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How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Reduce High-Functioning Codependency · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcasts or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening when you're tuning in, I want to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And today's topic that I wanted to broach was this idea of high-functioning codependency and the importance of setting boundaries.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: So the line between care and kindness and codependency can honestly feel blurred or just seem like it's it's gray and it's really hard to tell the difference.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: So while it's normal to be invested in the lives of those that we care about, how do we actually know when we're overly invested?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: How do we know when we are starting to overfunction, overgive, and create that semblance of high function codependency?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: How do we know whether the relationships are reciprocal or whether we are actually showing up and doing more than our share, or if that we are being overly kind and overly caring, uh, you know, deeply invested in others' emotions, experiences, and their life choices?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh you can ask yourself, am I always the one available to help, often doing things for others, fixing their problems, even if they don't ask me to?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Do you sometimes put in extra hours at work at week and weekends, um, extra hours at work on the weekends or at nights to cover for your colleagues?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Do you sometimes have trouble saying no even to the most obviously unreasonable requests?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe your exaggerated interest in others' well-being, empathy, and care are manifestations of this term called high functioning codependency.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: So, what is high functioning codependency?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: High functioning codependency is a behavior characterized by blurred boundaries and an imbalance in relationships.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: In highly functioning codependent relationships, one person finds that they're taking responsibility for fulfilling the other person's needs and trying to control all aspects, all the aspects of the relationship.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are more invested in the relationship, ultimately this may take a toll on your own mental health and well-being.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Terry Cole, who is a psychotherapist and has a great book, um, it's called Boundary Boss, uh, actually coined the term high function codependency, and she describes the difference between traditionally understood codependency and high function and codependency.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: According to her, we all fall somewhere on the codependency spectrum because codependency is somewhat of a shared part of a shared human experience.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: However, codependency is often more present in women.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I'm saying this with the caveat that yes, it men can feel can have this tendency as well, but it often is more present in women just because of the social roles that they end up playing.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: So a woman is traditionally seen as someone who nurtures, fixes, and cares.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so when women internalize this social structure and this social role while growing up, they can become codependent people pleasers.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: So how does how how does um this functioning codependent high functioning codependency differ from regular codependency?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, traditional understanding of codependency means that uh one is being involved in an unhealthy relationship, maybe with an addict of some kind and enabling their addictive behavior.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's kind of the traditional way or the the way that this term codependency has uh for a long time been coined with and in relation to.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: On the other hand, the persons in these high-functioning codependent relationships, uh, everything looks just fine on the surface.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: They seem to have it all together.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Successful professionals, high achievers, maybe they're perfect mothers, perfect fathers, partners, friends.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, truly, they're they seem to have their stuff together.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Everything is working, they're getting things done, everything looks easy, and they don't really recognize themselves as codependent.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: However, these people have a strong need to control others or maybe fix others' behaviors or fix their issues or their problems, take care of someone else's needs, and really lose sight of their own needs.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so what they're actually doing is they're taking care of others, making sure that they're over like that they're giving and that they're they're they are so concerned with the other people and the other relationships that they have that they actually do it at the own expense of their own well-being.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: So highly functioning codependent people typically will eventually start to feel resentment, exhaustion, or burnout because they're neglecting their own self-care, their own needs, their own wants, and their own desires.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: So, what are eight signs of high functioning codependency?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: High functioning codependency does stem from a person's maybe their need to control.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we really see this in people pleasers, uh, we see it in um high achievers for sure, but here are eight signs.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: So you aren't aware of your own needs.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: High functioning codependent people are generally managing everyone else's needs, ensuring that those needs are being met, but they're not taking ownership of their own.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: So this lack of awareness of what they truly need and neglecting that self-care is what presents them from actually functioning optimally in their own life.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Secondly, overdoing overdoing or giving too much.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're a highly functioning, codependent person, you may find yourself investing much more in the relationships that than you get in return.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: You're the one in your relationships who's always there to listen, always give advice, try to find a solution, do what this other person needs, and you make sure everyone is okay before you take care of yourself.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: You end up being physically and emotionally exhausted, frustrated, and sometimes resentful because at the end of the day you feel like you've given all you've got and you're left feeling like, well, what is anybody gonna able to give to me?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Third, you always cover for others.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: So you were probably the friend that had covered for everyone else with their parents and teachers in high school, or maybe you're juggling too much of the work at the office covering for your colleagues.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Which again can lead to resentment and anger and frustration because at the end of the day, you just don't know how to say no.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Another sign, you do more than what's asked of you.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're an overgiver or an overdoer, it's really just constantly and consistently doing going above and beyond to meet what people need or maybe even your assumption of what it is that they want.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Another one, you need to be needed by others.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: It feels really good when you know that you're needed.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: But because of your deeply rooted need to control everything, you feel good about yourself only when others cannot function without you.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: So it's this concept of needing to be needed that can be a sign of this high function codependency.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Another sign is you feel like you must solve everyone else's problems.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: You're stretching yourself to the limits, and you're stretching yourself to the limits in order to help people, and you you really truly are the one that people go to for advice, and you love giving advice, and it feels good to solve their problems, but sometimes there are moments when people need to solve their own problems and have the autonomy to make their own choices.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: But as a high-function codependent, it's like this this I idea or this um autopilot mentality of I've gotta help them fix their problems because I have to ensure that they're gonna be okay.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Another sign is you feel like you can't be loved if you're not useful, and this is a really important one.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Your self- your set sense of self-esteem and value depends on how useful you are to the other to others.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: This is really rooted in I'm not good enough.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's really the main false belief there.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: But what ends up happening is it's this there's a spin-off of I'm only I'm only good enough and valuable if I can make sure that others are taken care of.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: So when there is this idea that I can't be loved unless I'm useful, it's really that you feel that you you always need to be of service to others in order to deserve their attention and appreciation.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then finally, and the last um sign that I wanted to talk about was you feel used and underappreciated.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you feel used after all you've done, you are often overwhelmed and you feel overwhelmed and resentful and disappointed because people don't appreciate your efforts, it's a good sign that you might really be in the throes of a high function codependent relationship.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do we deal with this?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, honestly, this comes down to setting boundaries.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Setting boundaries is a way that we can start to break free from this high functioning codependency.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: So, what really is at the crux of that relationship is really blurry, disordered boundaries.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: So when people with that high function codependency are not able to set those boundaries and maintain the boundaries and have those healthy boundaries, what truly happens is people mirror that back to us.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so it just keeps that merry-go-round of codependency going.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do we how do we become this boundary boss as Terry Cole's book is called Boundary Boss?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: How do you become your own boundary boss?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it really does mean learn, it's about learning to say no without feeling guilty, or learning to say no without including additional explanations or defenses.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's allowing yourself to make mistakes and to learn from them.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Setting boundaries is about accepting accountability for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the key: it's about accepting responsibility for yours and allowing other people to accept responsibility for theirs.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: It means that you're ready to communicate your needs and feelings.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: So part of this is about getting really clear what are my needs, what are my feelings, what are my desires, and really realigning with those and then starting to communicate those and hold boundaries around those.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because when we don't do that and we don't presence ourselves in those relationships, that is truly when we start to lose our identity and codependency takes hold.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: So understanding that healthy boundaries is a way that we can make the we can start breaking free from this idea of high function and codependency.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Coaching truly can be a help when dealing with codependent behaviors because a lot of the times it's about old mindsets, false beliefs, and when you when you are able to engage with a coach that can really truly hold space for you in that regard, you're able to start working through what are some of those beliefs and how can I start shifting from one way of showing up and into a new way of showing up.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the truth is when you're in a highly functioning codependent relationship, there is so um, there's such a lack of self, and eventually it does lead to a lot of resentment or just feeling completely unhappy or just on autopilot in your life.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: If you'd like to talk about this or anything else where you might be feeling stuck, wanting to get a sense of clarity for yourself in order to start moving forward, feel free to reach out to me at any time.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: You can book a call with me at chatwithcomedy.com.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, take care of yourself.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit our website at www.comedywood.com.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.