Latest / Libido Lounge / Why Great Sex Dies When You Stop Talking To Your Partner with Blair Dunkley

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Why Great Sex Dies When You Stop Talking To Your Partner with Blair Dunkley · Libido Lounge

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Language based profiling, every utterance out of your mouth is filtered through one of six
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question concepts.
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A who, what, when, where, why, and how.
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These are all behaviors that I can try on and see if they work for me or not.
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Hopes, dreams, and desires are nothing without behaviors.
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It's the concepts and that is four columns of information in the six questions and that gives
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you exactly how that person is processing it in their brain.
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So let's figure out your big what's.
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You know, big, hairy, audacious goals of what you want to achieve.
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And what if you took your BHAG, big, hairy, audacious goal, and put that into your
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relationship.
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Yeah.
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Oh my god.
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Intimacy almost well, not almost, can only happen in the present.
1:04
We have two clear ways, probably three, but two clear ways.
1:09
Number one
1:14
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2:15
Now back to our show.
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Hey, everybody.
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Welcome back to another episode on the Libido Lounge.
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I'm your host, board certified sexologist, doctor Diane Mueller, and I have a special
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guest with me today.
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I have with me Blair Dunkley.
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Blair is gonna talk to us a lot about this this thing he has developed, which is which is
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language based profiling.
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We're gonna talk about his work on the mind, with his work on psychology, communication, his
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work on understanding your partner, and so much more, and how all of this intertwines with
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having great and deep intimacy, having great, deep, and wonderful passionate sex, and so much
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more, because so much of this does begin with the way we are interrelating, the way our mind
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is perceiving things, the stories we tell and so much more.
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So that's what we're gonna get into today.
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Welcome to the lounge.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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Thank you for being here.
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So this is a new term for a lot of us, right, this language based profiling?
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So I wanna start there because I know this is something that, as part of your lifelong work,
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is putting together this model.
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So can you tell us a little bit about, like, what this is and why this is important in terms
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of communication and relationships?
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Man, that's huge.
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Sorry.
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That's a lot to unpack.
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That that could take me forty years.
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So, anyway, but I'll try and tighten it up to a few minutes.
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So the the long and short of it is language based profiling, every utterance out of your
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mouth is filtered through one of six question concepts of who, what, when, where, why, and
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how.
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Those are the only functional six question concepts I've been able to find.
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Now if you talk to people in computer research and, you know, NLP, natural language
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processing, they say there's eight, and I beg to differ strongly because their fundamentals,
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they don't know what the fundamental concepts are that drive a who, what, when, where, why,
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and how.
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And I researched that for six years.
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That has a great deal to do with how you perceive your partner, yourself, your intimacy,
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including your confidence and self confidence, which are again not the same thing.
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And I figured that out because of language based profiling.
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Okay.
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So my question here on this is sometimes I've heard people say, and I agree with what I'm
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about to say in many ways, that life is about the questions we ask ourselves.
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And so people sometimes ask themselves questions like an example could be like, why do
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I look like crap today?
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Well, if we ask ourselves a question like that, we're gonna get a whole list of answers of the
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brain being like, well, you didn't brush your hair right, yada yada yada.
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Okay.
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Can
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I break down this stuff?
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Sure.
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Sure.
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Sure.
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Let me let me see.
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So right there, you went why initially
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Mhmm.
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And you processed that through a true why.
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It wasn't a disguised question or concept.
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It wasn't a disguised what.
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It was a a true why, which gives you reasons only can give you reasons, excuses,
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rationalizations, and justifications.
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That's all that a why can do.
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It's very creative in that.
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Now it can also only when you say, Why do I look this way?
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And then you said, Because I didn't brush I didn't brush my hair.
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Well, that simple didn't refers to the past.
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Wise 100% of the time lock you in your past.
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They you cannot be present and the only place where change can be is in the present.
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So you're locked in your past and all you can do is load emotion first because wise, load
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emotion before information in your brain.
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So technically, that's not accurate if you really wanna get nerdy science y here.
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They both load virtually simultaneously but the amount that, your prefrontal cortex, your
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cognitive domain, actually fires is far less percentage wise than the area in your limbic
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system and emotional area.
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And it's not purely limbic, but I'm I'm going to slur the science on this a little bit.
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I'm just for time's sake.
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I don't wanna get into details here that most people won't be interested in.
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But the bottom line here is more of your lizard brain area will and emotional center will light
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up percentage wise because you're talking in y.
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And y will drive that more base emotional drivers.
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Okay, but my question, so thank you for that.
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My question here is that I, that was basically like, okay, well, it's about, say, the
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questions we ask.
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So I'm trying to understand this model.
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So like the example, the second example I was gonna give here was like or I could give myself
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the question, why I look beautiful today.
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So that I hear you around, okay, well, why is in the past, maybe this is more like lizard
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type of brain, But my curiosity is with, like, understanding this is like is like, okay, well,
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how like, where is the utility in this from, hey, I have why of, hey, I'm asking myself this
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question that my brain is gonna naturally find answers to, and these answers could be
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problematic and not helpful to me, or they could be helpful, but in many ways not helpful.
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Or I could ask myself a different question, why am I so beautiful today?
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And then I can have all of these different answers that are probably gonna be a lot more
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positive in nature.
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Like, is there an element of, like, within the context of your six questions here where it's
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not just about the questions, it's also about, like, the way we ask the question that you find
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important?
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That is so, so true.
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Now your second why question here is not could do do you mind before I actually explain this
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so I don't lead you into anything?
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Just tell me the answer to why are you so beautiful today?
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Well, I got up and I crimped my hair, I washed my face, I took a great walk, I did my
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meditation so I could get in the right vibe for the day.
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I'll leave it at that.
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Okay.
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Great.
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Now, yes, those are past, but how do you view yourself connected to that information in the
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past, present, or future?
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I would say there's an element of past but also present.
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Correct.
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And which percentage is higher, past or present?
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Probably more in the present.
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Correct.
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That means that you're in a what, why language pattern because the why of it, although you
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used the word, it was not the main driver.
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What is the main driver?
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And as I shared before we got on here that the whole area, there are two fundamental types of
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emotions we deal with all the time.
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We well, we deal with why emotions, which is the self judgment, the self recrimination.
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You beat yourself up, and you stack all kinds of stuff that was there.
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But did you notice that the past stuff was generalized and the more present stuff was more
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specific.
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I crimped my hair.
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I did this.
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I did that.
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You know, it's all things that you did, but it references the present of where you are now.
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That doesn't make sense to me.
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So so can you clarify this listeners?
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Because Please.
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When we were talking about like the first why, like why do I not look as good today or however
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I framed it, the specific thing I said was I didn't brush my hair.
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Right?
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And that to me, I don't understand how it's like specific versus not because to me that was
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a specific thing I said.
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It is.
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However, if we had a chance to do a deeper dive, what I would go is so do you when you
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view yourself as unattractive, what are the situations that you see, and how do you frame
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that in your mind?
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Most people who see themselves as unattractive will frame it as a generalization that they
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didn't do their their thing, and they don't have a ritual to do that.
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You framed your your second situation as though it's nearly a ritual for you to crimp your
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hair, do everything that you said, and turn that into something that gets you into a state
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in the present that you can then carry forward for the rest of the day.
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Okay.
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So as we're getting pretty meta here, I wanna make sure that we're bringing it down to the
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practical.
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So, like, give, like give me an example, like, real world, if you would, for our listeners to
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help understand.
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So these concepts of, like, these questions.
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Right?
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So I hear you and your work.
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There's these questions, and then they deliver different things, it sounds like, to the
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conversation.
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Can you kinda set a little bit of a foundation too for us from a standpoint of your
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methodology and these questions and how these questions actually help with communication and
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intimacy so we understand kind of the purpose here a little bit.
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Sure.
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So let me ask you a question.
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Where does change happen?
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Past, present, or future?
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Present.
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Can you change your past?
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You can change your relationship and how you view your past, your memory of your past, those
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kind of things.
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Can you change your future?
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You can make take actions today that could impact your future.
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So both of your answers, your past and your future, are only present things that you can do
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to impact those.
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So can you actually change your present?
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Well, first I at first I said, like, change happens in the present, but then you could then
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you challenged me.
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So I thought I got the answer wrong.
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So did I No.
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No.
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No.
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Yeah.
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You got the answer perfectly correctly.
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K.
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But then I went in and I do challenge people on this because then they try and fudge it in
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their brain trying to make their past adjustable into their present or have their
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present influence their future so that that future condition is now, which just messes up
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their brain.
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And when we have fantasy in relationships, we are projecting into the future and sometimes we
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cannot specify it and find out and communicate exactly how we're feeling in the moment to be
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able to bring that to the present so that whole past stuff and whole future stuff gets
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collapsed into a present moment.
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And when you have a past future and no ability to describe it, you have some form of
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frustration or anxiety or fear or I can't talk about this or I'm not understood or something
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that is reflecting on either the past or the future but isn't dealt with in the present.
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So So what's saying then is then in context of, say, communication from an intimacy standpoint,
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part of the problem that you're seeing, and and this is me paraphrasing trying to Yes.
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Please.
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Go ahead.
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So part of the problem is that people are projecting into the past or the future and
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they're not staying present in the moment with what's actually happened.
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Is that what I hear?
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Absolutely.
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Okay.
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And that is a huge part of intimacy.
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That intimacy almost well, not almost, can only happen in the present.
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So what about and I'm gonna challenge you now.
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Respectfully.
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Yeah.
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No.
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No.
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That please.
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What
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about then the idea of, like, visualization for future, for, like, okay, let's visualize our
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hopes and dreams and what we're trying to create together.
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Or even people that, like, visualize, hey, we wanna create this, like, this fantasy in our
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physical, mental, or or sexual realities.
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You know, fantasies are oftentimes projections into the future.
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Visualizations are projections into the future.
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And where does that fit into this idea of, hey, we need to be in the present in order to
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communicate well and that sort of thing.
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Well, you know what?
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I've been I came up with a quote, sort of, I hope this sort of summarizes it.
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Hopes, dreams, and desires without behavior change nothing.
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Mhmm.
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So all of the visualizations that you do don't change anything until you can attach that to a
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behavior.
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And the first behavior that I found when I was doing my marriage counseling was quite
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literally having people talk about their hopes, dreams, and desires to find out from their
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partner.
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Is that something that they'd like to explore?
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And when the answer is yes or no, doesn't matter, it creates an openness to discuss more,
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and that's in the present.
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So we take from the future or take from the past and their hopes, dreams, and desires for
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having a better relationship.
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But if we judge that and hold on to the emotional outcome of the answer as opposed to
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taking that as information that we can adjust our behavior in the moment.
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That's where the fun lies is making these adjustments, is figuring out how can I find a
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way to communicate and make some of these hopes, dreams, and desires some form of reality
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and become resourceful rather than set an expectation to have just what I want the way I
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want when I want?
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And that unfortunately is generally not the way that healthy relationships work.
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It's very mutual.
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It's great communication.
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It plays together.
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And somebody says, oh, I like that.
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And somebody goes, I like doing that.
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Well, let's do more of that.
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Great.
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So that actually I call it it's a really intimate, sexy way of being able to communicate
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because you get to find out from your partner and with yourself what you're prepared
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behaviorally to do.
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So the seed is our hopes, dreams, and desires, or you can call them visualizations.
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I have seen a lot of studies on visualizations, done a few myself.
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And the problem that I have with visualization is when people have no experience on
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visualizations, the functionality of visualization drops dramatically.
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There's one that's the whole basketball.
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Do you know the basketball thing
17:57
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Now let's get back to our episode.
18:52
We have two clear ways, probably three, but two clear ways.
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Number one is just by turning around and getting curious and saying, what does cute mean
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to you when you're telling me?
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Please be specific.
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And initially, when I tried that back in the day, I did not have the skills that I currently
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have.
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So, you know, I screw I I did that, and she said, well, you're very cute.
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You're just a cute man.
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Like, I like cute.
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Great.
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I that's nice.
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I internally, it's that's nice for you.
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It doesn't do anything for me, but I'm trying to please.
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And so that didn't have the effect that she was hoping for, let's put it that way.
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So now what I would do is I would go, so can you be very specific on what works for you
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around cute?
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Well, I like the look at your face.
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You're sort of ruggedly attractive to me.
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You've got this look.
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I like your great beard.
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I love your eyes.
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You know, the way that you look at me.
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When you're into me, I know it.
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And and they go, oh, okay.
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And then I try and get a smoldering look or get playful and and do something like that.
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And and in a silly sort of way, but very specifically, I'm trying to figure out how do I
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train myself to be the thing that she's there and determine whether or not that's a fit for
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me.
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I'm try it's like close.
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Okay.
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I have a black t shirt on.
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I I can go change it.
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You know, these are all behaviors that I can try on and see if they work for me or not and
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see if they work for her or not.
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And then I can go in and also ask, could you try calling me handsome if you figured this
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out?
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And that's what I actually wound up doing with a girlfriend that I had afterwards.
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And I said, with like, she went acute.
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I don't know what it was, but it got it triggered me.
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And so I wasn't interested.
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And I said, do you wanna not be interested, or do you want to resolve this?
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And I said, I wanna be I wanna resolve this.
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So I knew I'd stumbled across handsome, and I asked her do you find me handsome?
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And it was oh yeah like it was a very enthusiastic answer.
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I got lucky because she didn't want to call me handsome because she thought I'd have an ego
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about that.
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And I go, no.
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I have never found myself that attractive to women.
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I have never found myself as a good looking man.
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And all of a sudden, I got feedback.
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You're a very good looking man.
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And it needed to go on for months, literally, and from multiple sources.
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Also, I had another friend who happened to be female.
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And my girlfriend was talking with my friend who also is a woman, and they were saying, you
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know what?
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It's really a shame Blair doesn't see himself as an attractive man.
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And this is during that phase where I was trying to sort it through.
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And she went, yeah.
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And she suggested to my friend to have her tell me that I'm an I'm an attractive man.
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And I had it from two sources, very different sources.
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And they weren't trying to butter me up, especially the lost one who's just a friend.
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And I go, woah.
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I gotta reevaluate myself.
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And I needed to figure out what's my story I was telling myself.
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I have this little boy cute story that I ran in my head that it wasn't crystal clear, but it
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was definitely something that I saw myself as, you know, a pre pubescent boy being cute.
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No drive.
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And I go, okay.
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That's important because I'm a man now and these women are not never saw me as that child.
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Now they're seeing me as somebody who is masculine, who is manly, who is, you know,
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attractive, who looks good in their eyes.
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And I feel I can become way more self confident because self confidence is me self identifying
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my own effective use of skills, attitudes, and behaviors, and especially the behaviors.
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And then I can align my behaviors with my partner's desires.
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And OMG.
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Yeah.
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I see.
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I mean, I see, so I see the power of this, which is amazing.
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I think where I still feel a little confused on your methodology that I'd love you to speak a
24:22
little bit more is like, just like being more curious of like, is there more of like a system
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from a standpoint of like, oh, you're thinking this, okay, here are the set of questions that
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people need to ask themselves, here's kind of like, you know, more of them like that that,
24:37
like, understanding of the the methodology.
24:40
Like, are there are there a typical set of questions that really, like, that you would
24:45
recommend people ask themselves if like or, you know, people ask their partner?
24:49
Sorry.
24:50
Go ahead.
24:51
I have come up with lists of questions Mhmm.
24:53
Over the years.
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I have found that they are not as reliable as I would like
25:00
Mhmm.
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Because everybody is so unique.
25:05
Mhmm.
25:05
And their whole story.
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And when I came up with with questions to ask, some of those questions triggered one or both
25:13
parties into their past because I guarantee you, you know, 80% of the people out there have
25:20
some kind of trauma related to sexual encounters at some point.
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And they, they, that can rise up very, very quickly, completely triggered by questions.
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And I go, okay, so how can you keep it so that it's most flexible for individuals?
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Well, what if we just gave them a process model?
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Mhmm.
25:44
And saying, if you're curious and you ask, you stay away from why based questions and you
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stick with what and how and keep your present your question as present as possible and
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directly forward facing, Then all of a sudden, when I did that with my clients back in the
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day, wow.
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A forward facing what now?
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And then I'd have them talk about what's forward facing to you, practice asking some
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questions.
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And the biggest challenge that they had was asking questions that actually were curious.
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Mhmm.
26:23
Because there's three things that three ways that you can ask a question.
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You can ask a question to prove, you can ask a question to position, or you can ask a question
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to build a process with.
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Mhmm.
26:34
I call it the three p's of questioning.
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And the process piece is the only one that requires curiosity at its root.
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Mhmm.
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And when you're curious, everything starts working magically, practically.
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And I hate that because I'm a behavioral scientist at heart, but I have no other way of
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describing it because you put that curiosity in and stuff pops out of people's head that sounds
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curious.
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That does not sound, I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm trying to prove it.
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Right.
27:07
Yeah.
27:07
Yeah.
27:07
That helps a lot.
27:08
Thank you for explaining that.
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And I think, like, what I'm gathering that then from, like, a take home for people is, like,
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and I hear this from a lot of, you know, therapists I talk to, and, you know, educators
27:19
and doctors and clinicians of all type, one of the most common things I see is like start with
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curiosity.
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You know, that's like a fundamental, talking to so many different experts, a fundamental thing
27:31
I hear over and over again, and I think, you know, this process of like, what I hear and
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what you're saying is like, hey, the why's a little bit dangerous because the why takes you
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away from the present.
27:42
It takes you down this road of the past, which is innately like like, we can change a
27:46
relationship to it, but we can't change it.
27:48
So what I hear is like really, you know, really focusing on the what and the how questions when
27:53
you're communicating about cute versus handsome, about what you wanna do in bed or
27:57
whatever it else Yes.
27:59
Is really the fundamental, like, we could focus more on those questions, the communication
28:04
effectiveness is gonna go through the roof.
28:06
Bingo.
28:07
Right?
28:07
Okay.
28:08
Absolutely.
28:09
Thank you, thank you for walking me through that.
28:10
I understand it so much, Bob.
28:11
My pleasure.
28:12
So then, what about one of the things that we talked about offline is what is the question
28:19
everybody asks that ultimately destroys relationships?
28:22
And I'm going to guess that it starts with why.
28:25
Am I correct?
28:26
So tell me about this question.
28:27
What is the question that everybody gets asked that actually destroys relationships?
28:32
Destroys or restores?
28:34
Destroys was what we had talked about out there.
28:36
About destroys, and that is it.
28:38
That's you're absolutely a 100% right because everybody wants to figure everybody's been told
28:45
through pop psychology, through mindset stuff, through everything and, you know, Simon Sinek's
28:54
Ask Why.
28:56
If, like, there's one way to take that out of our culture, it has wrecked so many things,
29:04
including I do business.
29:05
I do relationship coaching.
29:07
I do executive coaching.
29:08
And when executives take home, like, what is your big why?
29:15
I've seen relationships freaking blow up because a senior executive takes home and tries
29:22
to use that on his partner, and I get called in to try and resolve it.
29:30
And, I've been able to every single time so far when I'm called in quickly enough, number one.
29:38
Number two, I'm also able to restore it by getting the person out of their story and into
29:48
what it is that they want and how they can move forward.
29:53
So where we are now to where we want to go because we can't change your past.
30:01
Yeah.
30:01
Go ahead.
30:02
You go.
30:03
Well, because, you know, at the end of the day, we all have our past.
30:08
But the brain, the neuroscience of the brain, the more we practice on building strengths and
30:15
going towards what we want, the more natural pruning the brain will do on all of that
30:22
negative stuff, making it smaller and smaller and smaller.
30:25
And the felt sense that it's a big deal goes to you don't forget forget.
30:32
Well, sometimes you do, but usually it's so it's reduced to such a minor degree that it's,
30:38
ah, one of the things that you just remembered that happened in your life next.
30:42
And you have enough retention of that information to not go there again, which is
30:46
great.
30:47
Survival is great, but, you know, getting into a better life and building success.
30:53
That's huge.
30:55
And success in the bedroom, the success with a partner and the intimacy.
30:59
And being able to take that intimacy out of the bedroom and put it into your day to day life
31:06
just by giving the purse I described earlier here just the look.
31:12
Well, when you're in the kitchen or you're out on a on a, business meeting and your partner's
31:18
across the room and you can give her or him that look, your every all the energy changes
31:26
for you.
31:27
It's amazing.
31:28
Yeah.
31:29
Yeah.
31:29
It's interesting you even bringing in the, like, the corporate component of this is so
31:34
it's it's it's a point worth bringing up, because I feel like with any business coaching
31:40
or training that I've done, and I've done a substantial amount of this over the years, one
31:46
of the common things that comes up is know your why.
31:50
You know, like you mentioned Absolutely.
31:52
Why is one of the most common questions.
31:54
So it sounds like you in some ways would, you know, say, though it's not about knowing your
31:59
why, it's about knowing your what.
32:02
Well, technically, it is your what but it's your what paired with the how.
32:05
Because the list of what's, if you know your what, that's so that's good.
32:10
Yep.
32:11
But if you can't build behaviors on that what you're screwed.
32:15
Pardon my language but yeah you're completely screwed.
32:20
Yeah.
32:20
Because Action.
32:21
You it requires behavior.
32:23
As I said, hopes, dreams, and desire desires are nothing without behaviors.
32:29
Mhmm.
32:32
So then what about the question that you thought I asked which is, what is the question
32:36
everybody asks that actually repairs relationships?
32:39
So is that the what and the how then, or is there something else to add there?
32:43
You know what?
32:44
It is what's and how's, but you've gotta be able to ask the question with curiosity, with a
32:51
process in mind.
32:53
If you do if you're asking a static question of what did you do, past tense, it's a disguised
33:00
why.
33:00
Yeah.
33:01
Okay.
33:02
That means you're going back to the past.
33:04
You're forcing that person into justifying why they're they're doing their thing.
33:08
So it's not the words who, what, where, when, why, and how.
33:14
It's the concept, and that is four columns of information in the six questions and that gives
33:22
you exactly how that person is processing it in their brain.
33:27
Mhmm.
33:27
So that's literally you we talked briefly about profiling, language based profiling.
33:33
That is the piece that I use mid for the majority pairing that with seventeen and a half
33:38
years of research on beliefs and recognizing that beliefs cannot change, on an ongoing
33:50
basis, cannot turn into habits without behaviors.
33:56
So let's just start with making behavior change first.
34:01
And in Simon Sinek's main thing, there he has this thing called the golden circle.
34:08
And when he goes in there and talks about why, he immediately gives a I and let me define why.
34:18
It mean what it means is this.
34:21
What it means is this, what it means is this.
34:23
He uses three what's immediately to define the why.
34:28
Don't that's just the disguised what and three whys that are disguised once again.
34:34
He uses six whys.
34:37
The the word that he's trying to define is why, but he's doing it in terms of whats.
34:44
Yeah.
34:46
And it's messing up people and businesses like nobody's business and I've been called in to
34:51
fix companies that have gone through that and they can't seem to figure it out and that's
34:57
where I have gone in and straightened them out and helped them get clarity so that they don't
35:03
have a knowing your big why and and some of the things that I've I've heard you know if your if
35:10
your why isn't big enough that it makes you cry, it's not big enough.
35:15
And I go that's garbage.
35:18
Yeah.
35:19
That is so garbage.
35:21
So let's figure out your big what's.
35:25
You know, big hairy audacious goals Yeah.
35:29
Of what you want to achieve.
35:31
And what if you took your BHAG, big, hairy, audacious goal, and put that into your
35:38
relationship?
35:39
Yeah.
35:40
Oh my god.
35:43
And then had conversations about that.
35:47
Yeah.
35:48
Yeah.
35:48
So, so, so much there.
35:51
I really appreciate all of this, Blair.
35:53
I wanna make sure as our time is wrapping up here, one, I just thank you so much coming on.
35:59
I think there's so much value in understanding this, you know, and understanding that these
36:04
simple ways we frame questions can literally make or break relationships.
36:09
They can make or break our sexuality with our partner, our emotional intimacy, our marriages,
36:16
our long term relationships, and more.
36:17
So I think it's so important.
36:19
And I know you have a free master class that I wanna make sure everybody knows about, so
36:25
people, you can get this additional information for free from you.
36:29
And how do they find that?
36:30
Then we'll put it in the show notes as well, but if wanna tell us a little bit about that.
36:33
Absolutely.
36:33
Well, it's all about the three e's, which is the mind models, the three mind models that I
36:40
used repeatedly, with virtually everybody in every situation.
36:46
But the first mind model is effective versus ineffective.
36:49
Not good, bad, right, or wrong because that triggers the brain to go into a judgment.
36:55
Because as children, we were taught you're a good boy, you're a good girl.
37:00
You know, you're a bad boy, you're a bad girl.
37:02
Like, all of that good, bad, better, best, all that competitive crap doesn't allow you to
37:10
evaluate your behavior because everything that you do is you.
37:15
Well, that's not true.
37:17
This t shirt is not me.
37:19
You may not like it.
37:21
I can go change it.
37:22
But it's not me.
37:24
I can change my behavior.
37:26
It's not me.
37:27
It's just the behavior and I can change it.
37:29
And all of a sudden when I introduce that into effective versus ineffective people go, well,
37:36
wow, what if I ask my partner, what might I do more effectively?
37:41
Or what am I doing that's ineffective?
37:44
And ask them to just name and label it.
37:48
Not go into a story.
37:50
Just tell me what it is and then let me explore how I can adjust that behavior.
37:57
Great.
37:58
Okay.
37:59
So is that now when you explore it, is that now externally verifiable?
38:04
Which is the second of the three e's.
38:06
Externally versus internally verifiable.
38:09
Because if it's internally verifiable, you're gonna just take that in and go, yeah.
38:13
It's me.
38:14
I'm a piece of crap here.
38:15
It doesn't work well.
38:17
You know?
38:17
Yada yada.
38:18
And you just beat the crap out of yourself.
38:19
Or you hold it as, hey.
38:22
This is externally verifiable.
38:24
This is a behavior I can actually change.
38:27
And I can actually test something to see if my partner likes what I'm doing and get feedback
38:35
on is that better or worse.
38:37
And sure enough, you'll drop the stuff that's not working for them and do what is working for
38:44
them.
38:45
And that just makes you a better lover.
38:47
Okay?
38:48
And then finally is evaluation versus judgment.
38:52
All the crap that we do about self recrimination and judging how I'm not a very
38:57
good lover and my my partner doesn't think I'm a very good lover and yada yada yada.
39:02
Okay.
39:03
Well, wanna change that forever?
39:06
Literally.
39:07
Forever.
39:08
Start evaluating and look at it as an incremental improvement.
39:14
And if you made an one small improvement every day, a year later, you've made 352
39:24
improvements.
39:25
Hello.
39:26
You're gonna be great at whatever it is that you need to do.
39:30
So there's a hour and twenty minute masterclass in there as well.
39:36
Amazing.
39:37
Yeah.
39:38
So that's all in the free gift.
39:40
Awesome.
39:40
I love that so much.
39:41
And so everybody, we're gonna have that link to the masterclass on these three e's.
39:46
So much more, how to get a hold of, how to work with Blair, all in the show notes, so just look
39:51
for that there.
39:53
And that makes it a wrap for today, so thank you everybody for being here.
39:57
Thank you so much Blair for all of this wisdom and knowledge.
40:00
It's deeply appreciated, and I will see you all very soon on another episode of the Lounge.
40:04
Ciao for now.
40:08
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
40:11
Please don't keep me a secret.
40:12
Please share this with your friends.
40:14
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.