Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 365: You Can Heal After Trauma: PTSD, Self-Compassion & Finding Yourself Again with Rachel Buckmaster

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E 365: You Can Heal After Trauma: PTSD, Self-Compassion & Finding Yourself Again with Rachel Buckmaster · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:02
  Well, hello everybody.
• 0:02
  Welcome back to another episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction.
• 0:05
  Today we have with us Rachel Buckmaster.
• 0:09
  She has quite a lot of stories and great things to talk about, but she also had to climb some mountains, and despite those mountains, Rachel has made it to where she wants to be in life.
• 0:19
  She wants to talk to the wounded and give them hope.
• 0:22
  How simple is that, right?
• 0:24
  Talk to the wounded and give them hope.
• 0:26
  I love it.
• 0:26
  Thank you, Rachel.
• 0:28
  yeah.
• 0:29
  I got diagnosed with PTSD when I was 18.
• 0:34
  Now 32.
• 0:36
  I've been in and out of therapy for about 10 years, and I'm actually currently going through EMDR, so that's quite new.
• 0:47
  and I've had a lot of moments in my life where You get so many hiccups, and you kind of beat yourself up, and it gets really hard.
• 0:58
  And the really strange thing is actually, when I found out that when you're easy on yourself, it actually makes things a lot easier.
• 1:10
  when you let yourself be unhappy, and you take that pressure off, and you go, "Actually, I'm allowed to feel this way.
• 1:19
  I don't have to be on form 24/7," that is the sweet spot when I found myself getting more productive in the long run.
• 1:29
  'Cause you're not working yourself to burnout.
• 1:33
  You recognize those cues and you go, "Okay, no, I need a break.
• 1:37
  You're okay.
• 1:38
  You're good enough.
• 1:39
  You don't need to prove anything."
• 1:42
  Right.
• 1:42
  And I don't know what it's like in the UK, but I know in the United States, it's like women especially wear this badge of honor, like- Mm-hmm "I'm the busiest.
• 1:50
  I'm the most productive.
• 1:51
  I do the most things.
• 1:52
  I chair the most committees.
• 1:55
  I do, I do, I do, I do."
• 1:57
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:57
  Where it does lead to burnout.
• 2:00
  Yeah.
• 2:00
  And we are our own worst critics, so it's like all of a sudden you take one thing off that plate, and all of a sudden in your mind, you're not doing enough.
• 2:08
  Yeah.
• 2:08
  You're not doing enough.
• 2:09
  And I think I agree with you.
• 2:11
  I think it's so important that we understand that we can't do it all.
• 2:15
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:15
  And to...
• 2:16
  It's stronger and harder and more difficult to actually just say, "Ugh, I need a break."
• 2:22
  that's the hard thing to do, but it's the best thing for your mental health ever.
• 2:26
  Yeah, yeah, definitely.
• 2:28
  I, I really do struggle with, sitting still, 'cause I've got a full-time job.
• 2:35
  I've got my business.
• 2:36
  I'm also writing a book as well.
• 2:40
  So I just, really struggle.
• 2:41
  And, in one of my therapy lessons, she actually taught me of kind of recognizing your emotions and saying them out loud, and giving them a name gives it less power.
• 2:55
  Because then you're in the known, You're not dealing with this, "Oh, is it me or not?"
• 3:00
  You validate yourself in that way.
• 3:02
  Right.
• 3:04
  Yeah.
• 3:04
  And it just feels refreshing, to be fair.
• 3:09
  Oh, honestly.
• 3:10
  And the first couple times you do it, it's kinda scary.
• 3:12
  Sometimes you don't even know what those emotions are.
• 3:15
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:15
  because we're so used to just stuffing them.
• 3:17
  I don't know if you did- Yeah but the way I grew up, we stuffed.
• 3:20
  We didn't- Mm feel.
• 3:22
  We didn't express.
• 3:23
  We didn't acknowledge even emotions.
• 3:26
  They just kinda were.
• 3:28
  Yeah, yeah.
• 3:30
  And you talk about going through EMDR and as that being a big part of your trauma healing and- Mm-hmm PTSD healing.
• 3:37
  talk about your experience with that a little bit for, explain even to the people, I know I use the term EMDR a lot on our podcast.
• 3:43
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:44
  And if you could explain it in layman's terms, like, so people could kinda get a grasp of what you think it, what it looks like to you.
• 3:51
  If you could do that, that'd be awesome.
• 3:54
  Yeah.
• 3:55
  So, just actually what you just said, you tend to box things, and it goes into a part of your brain.
• 4:00
  You can't access it.
• 4:02
  You don't think or feel anything about it, and that's it.
• 4:05
  And EMDR works on getting that back.
• 4:10
  and you're kind of working with the memory, but you don't necessarily have to talk about it.
• 4:15
  You just have to hold it in your mind.
• 4:18
  and that can actually seem a little bit less scary, 'cause when you talk about it, it makes it real, and you'll hold that memory, and you'll follow the, the finger movements from left to right.
• 4:31
  And your body just reacts.
• 4:34
  I can't...
• 4:35
  There's no other way to explain it.
• 4:37
  And then you kinda talk about the thoughts and feelings that come with that, and then you do that same left to right process again.
• 4:45
  And, it's called bilateral movement, and it just, it makes your brain process it and, like, unpack it in a less confrontational way.
• 4:57
  Yeah.
• 4:57
  That is a great way to put it.
• 4:59
  And for those of you listening that are still like, "Okay, I don't get it," EMDR is eye movement rapid desensitiz- Mm-hmm atization, and I can never say that last word.
• 5:08
  But you do.
• 5:08
  You're literally just following, going back and forth with left and right, and there's a lot of science behind- Mm when you do that, that bilateral stimulation.
• 5:17
  It's the same thing when they say, when I tell people when they have anxiety or stress- Mm-hmm give yourself, do the butterfly hug- Yeah where you just hug yourself, and then you tap one side then the other and
• 5:27
  just keep going back and forth.
• 5:28
  It's why walking works.
• 5:30
  Left, right, left, right, left, r- Mm It's all of those bilateral movements stimulate both sides of your brain, and it opens things up, I guess you could say.
• 5:40
  Yeah.
• 5:42
  And well, and that's great because, so many people, they're curious about that, and they, I get- Mm questions all the time about EMDR, and it is a very effective method- Mm modality.
• 5:53
  it's not like I, if I've never been to therapy, if I've never done anything, I wouldn't run out and just purchase some EMDR sessions.
• 6:01
  Yeah.
• 6:01
  I'm not saying that.
• 6:02
  to me it went along with therapy.
• 6:04
  It went along- Mm as a, a backup kind of just, it gets deep.
• 6:09
  It gets very deep.
• 6:10
  Yeah.
• 6:11
  And it's very helpful.
• 6:13
  But PTSD is something that a lot of people, they really don't grasp it, and I don't...
• 6:19
  Do you remember the first time that you, your first experience where you finally understood what PTSD was?
• 6:29
  I think it was the ball drop.
• 6:31
  So I was in therapy, and I just kept having the same thoughts and feelings.
• 6:37
  It wasn't necessarily flashbacks, and it was almost like I was just stuck in this limbo of emotion.
• 6:46
  And then my therapist was talking me through, and she actually came up with this really good analogy.
• 6:52
  She said that, trauma is like you have a mirror in front of you, and then you smash it, and you've gotta put the mirror back into its original order to then get a full representative image of yourself.
• 7:07
  And I was like, "Oh, damn."
• 7:09
  Like, I get it now, Oh, I had never heard that.
• 7:12
  no, and it made so much sense, and it just kinda made me realize that actually these recurring thoughts and feelings were actually a part of the PTSD, and feeling stuck and not being able to move on.
• 7:27
  Yeah.
• 7:28
  No, it makes sense.
• 7:29
  So you didn't have any drastic, like, where you all of a sudden were like, "I get it."
• 7:33
  Because, my dad went to, my dad was in Vietnam.
• 7:36
  Yeah.
• 7:37
  I knew he had severe PTSD.
• 7:39
  He would sleep at night, and he would yell out in his sleep, and cuss- Mm and cry, and, he never expressed anything, never went to therapy, so I knew he had PTSD.
• 7:47
  And I kinda was always like, I felt for him, but I never- Mm really understood it.
• 7:51
  And then it was like, my husband and I were just talking about this yesterday, as a matter of fact.
• 7:55
  I had an experience with my mother when when I was four and five for like a year, and she would listen to the soap opera while I was in preschool every day, listen to this one soap opera, and
• 8:06
  make me soft-boiled eggs.
• 8:08
  Now, she couldn't cook.
• 8:09
  they were horrible.
• 8:09
  They tasted bad.
• 8:11
  Mm.
• 8:11
  And every day it was something different.
• 8:13
  It was a different kind of fight.
• 8:14
  So either- Mm they'd get stuffed down my throat, or I'd get locked in a closet, or I'd get spanked, or I would just sometimes eat them 'cause I didn't feel like the fight.
• 8:21
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:22
  But it was literally, oh my gosh, that was when I was four or five years old, so that was 53 years ago.
• 8:29
  But 30 years later I was sitting at my table talking to my kids, just hanging out, doing whatever.
• 8:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:37
  And all of a sudden I vomited on the table.
• 8:39
  Oh, wow.
• 8:39
  had no idea why.
• 8:41
  Yeah.
• 8:41
  Like it just blugh.
• 8:41
  Ugh.
• 8:42
  And I stopped, and of course I had been in therapy for a long time at this point, so I was like, "Okay, Tammy, focus.
• 8:47
  Figure out why."
• 8:48
  Mm.
• 8:49
  And that soap opera had come on in the other room.
• 8:53
  Oh, wow.
• 8:54
  And it was a visceral response to hearing- Mm that noise.
• 8:59
  So you're talking if my kids were teenagers, 16, 26, 36, I was 44 years old probably.
• 9:05
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:05
  So this is 40 years later.
• 9:09
  Yeah.
• 9:09
  I hear a sound and it makes me vomit on a table.
• 9:12
  Wow.
• 9:13
  And that is when I truly, truly understood the magnitude and the depth of PTSD.
• 9:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:23
  Yeah, definitely.
• 9:23
  Because I, and then I started really being aware and I'm like, "Oh, that makes sense.
• 9:27
  why I don't like the smell of leather," because something bad happened- Mm-hmm and it was involving leather.
• 9:32
  Like, so talk about how having, how this has impacted your life, the PTSD.
• 9:42
  So there's certain things like, I'm not a fan of walking in the public on my own.
• 9:50
  Even if it's a nice sunny day, I'd rather not do it.
• 9:54
  and the sense of shame has made me into a bit of a workaholic, to be honest.
• 10:00
  like with my job, I'm always taking overtime.
• 10:04
  and then we've just started Slay Bay.
• 10:07
  and it's just that constant motor, I guess, to prove myself that I am good enough and I am worthy and I am this amazing person that I think that I should be, Right.
• 10:25
  And it's taken probably about 10 years for me to fully understand why I do the things that I do.
• 10:32
  and I've almost developed, like, a sixth sense.
• 10:35
  It's really strange.
• 10:36
  Like, if any of my friends are sad, I'll be like, I'll I can pick it up immediately.
• 10:43
  And I'll be like, what's wrong?
• 10:44
  your energy has shifted."
• 10:45
  And they're like, "How do you do this?"
• 10:48
  Right.
• 10:49
  Yeah.
• 10:51
  Well, it's funny- Mm-hmm 'cause I think I have the belief that we are born all-knowing, all-powerful, like- Mm-hmm in the image of God, knowing everything, with our intuition- Mm-hmm with our instinct, with our gut.
• 11:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:01
  And then as life happens and people make you ignore that, I feel like you tend to get away from that.
• 11:07
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:07
  So you stop trusting your instinct, stop trusting your gut.
• 11:10
  Mm.
• 11:10
  But it sounds like, like to me, when I started healing and started really learning to trust myself again- Mm-hmm that included my intuition and my- Yeah intuitive sense.
• 11:20
  And I think that's why so many people that go through those traumas and- I think that's why they become healers almost, 'cause it does Yeah it's like you were probably always the the free mentor, The person- Mm-hmm everybody
• 11:34
  went to when they had a problem because you understood.
• 11:38
  Oh, yeah.
• 11:38
  Like, you had that feeling of being able to be, of having empathy, being able to stand in someone's shoes and understand what they're going through.
• 11:47
  Yeah, definitely, 100%.
• 11:49
  Yeah.
• 11:50
  Mm.
• 11:50
  Have you always considered yourself a resilient person?
• 11:55
  No.
• 11:58
  no.
• 11:59
  I had major, major struggles when I was late, early 20s.
• 12:04
  I ended actually having a breakdown of a full year.
• 12:08
  Everything was chaos, and it put me back about two or three years.
• 12:16
  for example, I went to university, and in my third year, I ended up failing.
• 12:22
  I had a year out, and then I had to go back and finish it.
• 12:27
  and like with my job, I really enjoy my job now, but I did struggle to keep that consistency.
• 12:35
  when you wake up and you you just don't wanna go, you really had to force yourself to be human.
• 12:44
  Right.
• 12:46
  and it's a lot of trial and error, and the main thing for me, personally, was just being easy on myself and not forcing myself to be perfect.
• 12:57
  Yeah.
• 12:58
  and then, yeah, it's definitely not a change overnight, No.
• 13:03
  Oh, gosh, no.
• 13:05
  it's a work in progress.
• 13:06
  And then now, some people do look at me, and they're like, "You're so high-functioning," like, "are you sure you struggle?"
• 13:13
  And I'm like, "Yes, I am sure- Oh that I struggle."
• 13:18
  No, but and that's the hardest thing, and that's why it's so hard for people that have everything suppressed.
• 13:25
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:25
  You look so good on the outside.
• 13:27
  Yeah.
• 13:28
  I was just telling my husband the other day, and I was like, "You didn't even know it.
• 13:31
  When my son was, like, seven or eight, I was, like, literally ready to tap out.
• 13:35
  Like, just- Mm-hmm check myself in somewhere and be like, 'I'm overwhelmed.
• 13:39
  I can't do this.
• 13:40
  I...'
• 13:40
  But on the outside I was working two jobs.
• 13:43
  I was taking the kids to soccer every day.
• 13:45
  I was 24/7 keeping myself- Mm-hmm busy because it kept me from dealing.
• 13:51
  Yeah.
• 13:51
  that's literally what I did.
• 13:53
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:53
  And, gosh, that was years ago.
• 13:56
  But yeah, people are just like, "Oh, you're so happy all the time.
• 13:59
  You look so good."
• 14:00
  "You get so much done.
• 14:01
  Like, how do you do it?
• 14:02
  You're like a supermom."
• 14:03
  And I'm like, "I am literally falling the hell apart on the inside."
• 14:06
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:07
  Falling apart.
• 14:08
  Falling apart.
• 14:09
  Yeah.
• 14:09
  And, it's finally when you can, like you said, give yourself that self-compassion and be like- Mm-hmm "I'm human.
• 14:17
  I'm human."
• 14:18
  Yeah.
• 14:18
  I tell my clients all the time, every time you hear that little critic and it's sitting on your shoulder telling you, "You're not good enough," or, "You should be able to do this," Mm-hmm don't should on yourself.
• 14:27
  Just- Yeah treat yourself like your own best friend.
• 14:31
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:33
  I'm sure you said you're somewhat of a workaholic.
• 14:35
  Most people are- Yeah that went through that stuff, because you're going to...
• 14:39
  it's a numbing.
• 14:40
  it's a distraction from having to face, and that is, you don't wanna be that way in the long run.
• 14:47
  No, yeah.
• 14:47
  It's good on a temporary kind of, "Okay, I'm just gonna work a little bit more and not have to deal with this," but it gets overwhelming.
• 14:54
  It absolutely does.
• 14:55
  Oh, 100%.
• 14:56
  Yeah.
• 14:57
  Yeah.
• 14:58
  So why did you now after all these years be like, "I'm gonna start talking about this"?
• 15:05
  I think it's very close to my heart.
• 15:09
  It's been a big, big struggle.
• 15:12
  I actually saw a video on social media the other day, and it was quite visual, and it did kind of touch my heart a little bit.
• 15:21
  and it was about a woman in, like, barbed chains, like kind of pushing against it and trying to, like, crawl to freedom, and that is almost what it's like.
• 15:32
  And it's not just you who kind of goes through that, and it's okay to feel sad, and it's okay to still have bad days.
• 15:42
  And after experiencing a lot of bad things, it's just nice to put that word out of telling people that they're not alone, that there's always people out there, there's always someone willing to help.
• 15:57
  And sometimes you do feel completely isolated, and you don't wanna burden people, and You just kind of go in your shell and isolate yourself and get yourself into that cycle of, well, you wanna stay in.
• 16:14
  You don't wanna burden people, but you do wanna reach out, but then you don't wanna reach out, so you don't.
• 16:20
  And then it's just you're in this cycle, Well, and everybody thinks, we've all been through things, and everybody thinks, "Oh, nobody would understand," or, "This doesn't happen to anybody"- Mm-hmm or, "This has never happened to anybody else."
• 16:32
  And like you said, what they don't understand is there are millions of people out there that this has happened to.
• 16:38
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:38
  every time I post something on TikTok or Facebook or Instagram or whatever, it never fails, I have someone make the comment like, "Whoo, girl, you were talking to me," or, "Whoo"- Yeah "I felt that."
• 16:48
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:49
  And so yeah, we're not, it's not, like, trauma is actually and just honestly, like, I talk about people that grew up in dysfunctional families.
• 16:59
  That is more the norm- Mm-hmm than the exception to the rule now.
• 17:03
  Yeah.
• 17:03
  I don't know what it's like in the UK, but I know in the United States, one out of every four children is directly affected by at least one addicted parent.
• 17:14
  Wow.
• 17:15
  That's a huge number.
• 17:17
  Yeah.
• 17:17
  And you can, I always say you can have dysfunction without having addiction- Yeah but you can't have, like, you can have other kinds of dysfunction- Mm-hmm but you can't have any kind of addiction without having dysfunction in your
• 17:29
  life.
• 17:30
  Yeah.
• 17:30
  And if it's one in four, then that means it's one in four teachers, and it's one in four people in the workplace.
• 17:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:36
  And it's one in four of everybody walking around- Yeah that is walking around with these, and I don't I don't like to say, I don't even know how I like to word it, but I, of these characteristics that
• 17:48
  they've developed because of childhood.
• 17:51
  Yeah, yeah.
• 17:53
  And that's the easiest way to put it.
• 17:55
  I always say my childhood designed me, but it can't define me.
• 18:00
  Yeah.
• 18:00
  So I am a culmination of every single experience I had, but then once I become aware and I start doing the work and I start realizing, oh, this is why I act like a five-year-old- Mm-hmm sometimes when someone
• 18:12
  looks at me funny, or this is Yeah, yeah, 100%.
• 18:16
  Yeah, you do get mannerisms that you have no idea where they've come from.
• 18:21
  Mm-hmm.
• 18:21
  And as soon as you get that awareness, you're like, oh.
• 18:26
  'Cause yeah, 'cause, there was one, oh God, what, oh, I didn't like taxis.
• 18:30
  And for ages, they were like, "But why?"
• 18:33
  And I was like, "I have no idea."
• 18:37
  But just it makes me feel funny.
• 18:39
  Yeah.
• 18:40
  And it wasn't until I got into therapy, and I was like, wow, okay.
• 18:43
  Actually, no, talking about earlier, that would be my ball drop.
• 18:47
  Oh, okay.
• 18:48
  Yeah.
• 18:51
  But no, I I can't express more enough about the, the compassion, 'cause that is really what kind of turned it around for me personally.
• 18:59
  Yep.
• 19:00
  Yeah.
• 19:00
  I say that a lot.
• 19:01
  Gratitude and compassion are everything.
• 19:04
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:04
  And it's not just compassion for other people or the people that hurt you, it is compassion for yourself.
• 19:10
  Yeah.
• 19:10
  Yeah, definitely.
• 19:12
  Definitely.
• 19:13
  So talk about your new business, 'cause this is super exciting.
• 19:15
  First of all, what made you decide to start a new business?
• 19:18
  Because you work full time- Yeah you said you pick up extra hours.
• 19:21
  Yeah.
• 19:21
  You're a busy woman.
• 19:23
  so it's a designer dress rental subscription service.
• 19:29
  So you pay a monthly fee.
• 19:31
  You'll get, a certain amount of credits, and then you use those to redeem designer dresses each month.
• 19:38
  you can keep them for as long as you want, as long as the subscription is active as well And there's two parts.
• 19:45
  So one is, well, especially when I was at uni, you're out all the time, you want new dresses, you don't wanna get seen in the same dress twice on social media.
• 19:57
  And it was just a constant drain on my finances.
• 20:02
  and this is a much more affordable kind of option.
• 20:06
  So for example, a House of CB dress, probably be about £300 here, but you can get it for £25, and the second half is, personally for me, one of my ways to cheer myself up is to get all
• 20:22
  glam.
• 20:24
  So if I'm feeling particularly blue, I'll just go to the bathroom and put some makeup on.
• 20:31
  I don't care if anyone's gonna see, like me with honor, Right.
• 20:34
  but it makes me feel good, So who cares?
• 20:38
  walking with a face full of makeup in my jammies with a dressing gown on.
• 20:44
  Right.
• 20:45
  but that also includes dressing up, So it means it, you've got access to those designer dresses and you're paying a fraction of the price, and it just makes you feel good.
• 20:57
  And I don't know if you mail them to other places in the world or if you just work in the UK, but it is a absolutely freaking brilliant business.
• 21:06
  Mm.
• 21:06
  Brilliant.
• 21:06
  Thank you.
• 21:07
  Because I think about it, I don't go very often out, I don't do a lot of stuff, but- Mm I'm sick of, I buy, if I go to a wedding, I buy a dress, and I don't wanna be
• 21:17
  that dress to be the dress that I'm seen at in every single wedding- Mm of every single family member.
• 21:21
  Yeah.
• 21:21
  So I'm like, I have these beautiful dresses.
• 21:23
  Like, I have nice stuff, but I'm like, I wear it once and then it either goes to- Mm the thrift shop or goes to Goodwill or something else.
• 21:29
  But yeah, I would love to be able to just, okay, I have three events this week.
• 21:33
  I have a speaking engagement, I have- Mm-hmm a dinner, and then I have a wedding.
• 21:37
  Like, let me just go find what I need for those and then I can return them.
• 21:40
  And I love it.
• 21:42
  I think it's brilliant.
• 21:42
  Yeah.
• 21:43
  Yeah.
• 21:44
  And, it's frustrating as well sometimes.
• 21:47
  Like, you you've got really nice dresses, but you feel like you can't wear them So it kind of takes that, resistance out as well.
• 21:55
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 21:57
  I think it's brilliant, but what- Thank you possessed you to start another business?
• 22:00
  Like, just be- you were like, "I have more time on my hands," or was it just, like, an epiphany that came to you and, you were like, "I'm just gonna do it"?
• 22:08
  so I actually run it with my business partner, and, she is absolutely fashion crazy.
• 22:16
  She follows all the trends.
• 22:18
  She absolutely loves it.
• 22:20
  And, we've been friends for, oh, God, probably coming up to maybe seven, eight years now.
• 22:29
  And, we actually ended up talking about an old university memory that I had where, I actually ran away from the photographer on one of my nights out, and I was like, "Don't take a picture of me.
• 22:42
  I wore this last weekend."
• 22:45
  Oh, that is funny.
• 22:48
  And, she was then complaining and saying, "Oh, yeah, I've got this, like, really nice dress," but the two weddings were linked 'cause they were all in the same friendship group, and she was absolutely gutted that she couldn't wear
• 23:01
  her favorite dress again.
• 23:04
  And then we were like, "Hang on."
• 23:07
  Light bulb.
• 23:09
  What if we done this together?
• 23:11
  And then, like, there's always give and take, and, she's got three kids, I'm pregnant.
• 23:19
  So there's, we can always, like, lean on each other, and we've known each other long enough that we can, like, support each other but emotionally as well.
• 23:27
  Right.
• 23:28
  so it's- I love it yeah, much less daunting.
• 23:32
  But yeah, we're really, really glad that we did it.
• 23:35
  Yeah.
• 23:35
  No, and it just launched in, I believe, June.
• 23:37
  I was looking at, I looked up your Instagram or whatever- Mm your social media, and I was looking at it, and I was looking at all the outfits.
• 23:44
  And you can tell your partner has, like, 100% just- all in passion for what she's doing.
• 23:50
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:51
  Yeah.
• 23:51
  'Cause I love it, the different outfits.
• 23:52
  She's like, "Oh, I think..."
• 23:53
  And then I think you had other people, it looks like some of them were testimonials.
• 23:56
  I don't think it was all her.
• 23:57
  Yeah.
• 23:57
  I think there was other people wearing the, some of the gowns.
• 23:59
  And- Yeah absolutely amazing.
• 24:01
  And like you said, when you're feeling a little blue, a little down, a little just, nothing feels better than just putting on...
• 24:08
  even I don't wear makeup.
• 24:09
  I really don't.
• 24:10
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:11
  But sometimes just putting on lipstick.
• 24:12
  Yeah, yeah.
• 24:13
  Like, I wear very little makeup, but just if I put on lipstick, it's all of a sudden, like, I feel like I come alive.
• 24:19
  Or- Yeah if I have a I have a job, another job where I wear a uniform, and I just get out of there.
• 24:25
  I get those clothes off, and it's just- making yourself feel special because you are.
• 24:31
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:31
  Yeah.
• 24:32
  Exactly.
• 24:33
  Yeah.
• 24:34
  Absolutely.
• 24:34
  That's, that's amazing.
• 24:36
  So if you had to change one thing about your journey, what would it be?
• 24:42
  I think talking about it sooner.
• 24:46
  Okay.
• 24:46
  so before my diagnosis, I kept quiet for about six years.
• 24:54
  and I think it was the shame, and I didn't want to admit it or talk about it because then that would make it real, and there was all these sorts of unhelpful thoughts that I had.
• 25:10
  And, that's, yeah, I would definitely come forward sooner 'cause, the moment you realize that you're not alone and it's not just you, and you're not crazy, 'cause that's what I used to call myself.
• 25:24
  I was like, "No, I'm just being crazy."
• 25:26
  Right.
• 25:28
  and opening up as well.
• 25:31
  Yeah, it just opened a whole new different world for me.
• 25:35
  Yeah.
• 25:35
  And I encourage people, if you're kind of in that place and you're stuck and you're like, "Ugh," like, "I gotta get it out," just tell somebody.
• 25:44
  Tell- Mm-hmm a friend.
• 25:45
  Go join a group.
• 25:47
  Like there's literally groups for everything.
• 25:49
  Yeah.
• 25:50
  Let me tell you.
• 25:50
  There are literally groups for everything.
• 25:52
  If you had a strange relationship with your sibling growing up and you don't know how to deal with it, there are groups for that.
• 25:58
  If you- Mm-hmm anything that happened, there are groups for, and it's all people that understand.
• 26:04
  And, one of my biggest tips for people too is before you get into it, know...
• 26:08
  Well, first of all, just only be with people you trust- Yeah with that information obviously.
• 26:14
  And know that those are, that's your information, and you need to feel safe, 'cause that's one of the biggest things and why people don't come out and start talking about things- Mm is 'cause they don't feel safe in
• 26:25
  their body to discuss it.
• 26:28
  like you said- Mm there's that shame spiral and that guilt and that just icky feeling.
• 26:34
  Mm.
• 26:34
  But if you're with people that understand and you find the right people, they're not judging you.
• 26:39
  Like, so find people- No that are not judging you.
• 26:43
  And also, like we were talking about earlier, start looking at every feeling you have, every question you come up with, everything that as things start coming up, because more and more will come up as your safety bubble expands-
• 26:56
  Mm and leaves more room for more stuff to open up.
• 26:59
  Yeah.
• 26:59
  Just be curious and not judgmental with yourself.
• 27:02
  That is my biggest tip.
• 27:05
  It just, curiosity makes everything soft, softer.
• 27:09
  Yeah.
• 27:10
  Yeah.
• 27:11
  like you said, instead of saying, "I'm just crazy," be like, "Hmm, this is really interesting that I feel like I wake up in the morning and there's literally an elephant sitting on my chest every morning.
• 27:20
  What is that about?"
• 27:21
  instead of being like, "This isn't right.
• 27:23
  This isn't wrong.
• 27:24
  I need to make this go away," just start being curious, and I think that makes so much difference.
• 27:30
  100%, yeah.
• 27:32
  Yeah.
• 27:32
  Just being- Absolutely.
• 27:34
  But- open and gentle with yourself.
• 27:36
  Well, this has been super fun, Rachel.
• 27:37
  So if people- Yeah want to learn more about you, learn about your business, where is the best place for them to go?
• 27:44
  so it's www.slaybay.co.uk.
• 27:49
  or we're on TikTok, which is slaybayteam.
• 27:49
  Instagram is slaybayclub as well.
• 27:58
  Okay.
• 27:59
  And we will follow up, and I want you to follow up with me when your book comes out.
• 28:03
  You said you're writing a book?
• 28:05
  Yes.
• 28:06
  it's called Only Time Will Tell.
• 28:08
  It's a- Oh horror fantasy.
• 28:13
  I suppose you could call it a romance.
• 28:15
  it's around Stockholm syndrome.
• 28:17
  Oh, wow.
• 28:17
  Okay.
• 28:18
  Mm.
• 28:19
  Okay.
• 28:20
  So when your book- I'm trying to make it into...
• 28:22
  Sorry.
• 28:23
  No, go ahead.
• 28:23
  Go ahead.
• 28:24
  I'm trying to make it into a world, so there's, like, five different planes.
• 28:29
  So you've got the underworld, spirit, the light, and the neverborn realms, and each realm has its own, like, laws and ways of physics and...
• 28:41
  So yeah.
• 28:42
  Should be good.
• 28:43
  Interesting.
• 28:43
  Yeah.
• 28:43
  Yeah, interesting.
• 28:44
  Well, when it comes out, I want you to reach back out to me, so just put me down in your list of people that you're- Yeah gonna let know, and let us know about the book.
• 28:51
  I'd love to do another launch or talk to you about how things are going with- Yeah your business and everything, whether it's three months, six months, nine months, a year, whatever it is.
• 28:59
  So we're here.
• 29:00
  That would be amazing.
• 29:00
  Yeah.
• 29:00
  Thank you so much.
• 29:00
  You're very welcome.
• 29:03
  Now, before I leave you, or before you leave, everybody, first of all, thank you so much for coming on.
• 29:09
  And second, if you had to give the listeners some words of wisdom or something tangible or some big-picture idea- Mm-hmm what would it be today?
• 29:24
  I think The more you're easier on yourself, the more productive you are.
• 29:33
  Perfect.
• 29:34
  Mm.
• 29:35
  So true.
• 29:36
  You guys heard that.
• 29:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:37
  Everybody heard that, right?
• 29:38
  The more you are easier, the easier you are on yourself, the more productive you're going to be.
• 29:45
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:45
  It keeps you out of overwhelm.
• 29:46
  Perfection is a myth, my friends.
• 29:49
  Yeah.
• 29:49
  Perfection is, it's just a myth.
• 29:51
  You can't attain it, so don't try.
• 29:54
  Yeah.
• 29:54
  Know that we're human, and just be gentle and kind with yourself.
• 29:59
  100%.
• 30:00
  100%.
• 30:01
  Well, thanks again, Rachel.
• 30:02
  I appreciate you coming on.
• 30:04
  All right.
• 30:04
  Thank you.
• 30:05
  You're very welcome.
• 30:06
  For everybody else out there listening, you heard it.
• 30:08
  Just be kind and gentle to yourself, because you deserve it.
• 30:11
  And if you have anything, anything that you think is stuck inside of you that needs to get out, know that there are people out there that support you and love you.
• 30:21
  And if you can't find them, we'll help you find them.
• 30:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 30:25
  So you all have a most wonderful, blessed day, and we'll see you back.
• 30:28
  Love you all.