Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Christmas Carol: The Movie

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Christmas Carol: The Movie · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:01
Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Welcome back, Shay. Four
0:25
-timers club. Look at you. Starting off. Thanks,
0:29
guys. One more time, you get a jacket. Yeah,
0:31
that's right. I should make cage match jackets.
0:35
Wood wear. Yeah. I mean, if we get a really good
0:38
one, like quality stitching of his face on a
0:41
jacket. Fuck yeah. I'm into that. I would advertise
0:44
the fuck out of this podcast by wearing that
0:47
jacket all year round. I still think about that
0:50
guy at the Rilo Kylie concert who had the face
0:53
off shorts. Oh, yeah. one face on each cheek
0:58
it's a perfect divide at the uh at the line but
1:02
it was on front and back yeah i feel like you
1:06
would get weird bulging with their nose and mouth
1:10
zone on the front you're maybe i'm being too
1:13
generous for myself Shay, if you did not get
1:20
a message from me because I don't remember if
1:21
I told you about it, we are watching the movie
1:23
Mandy in the theater that we rented out for the
1:26
finale on the 23rd. It's a Thursday night. OK,
1:29
which probably not the best for your drive, but
1:32
OK, cool. And if you haven't seen Mandy, it's
1:35
a fucking trip. I don't think I have. So I probably
1:40
I can't tell if it's up your alley or not. Like,
1:43
how do you feel about gross horror adjacent?
1:47
cult movies it really depends i it honestly some
1:51
of them i can stand and some of them i'm like
1:54
why have i lost two hours of my life how do you
1:58
feel about cult leader penises and bathrobes
2:02
oh sorry kimonos yeah it is a kimono body parts
2:05
in general don't freak me out so oh no wait this
2:09
is yeah like it's not like willem dafoe's penis
2:13
no which was apparently terrifying wait Speaking
2:17
of scary penises, here's what happened to me
2:19
yesterday. Yes. Oh, yeah. Go on, please. So I
2:23
have I printed a xenomorph chestburster for my
2:27
friend who's pregnant for a Halloween costume.
2:30
And it just it's this. Big phallic thing, and
2:35
I was on a call with my therapist yesterday and
2:39
didn't realize that it was just sitting right
2:41
here, so it looked like there was just a big
2:43
red dildo behind me the entire call. And then
2:47
I saw it and realized I've had several work meetings
2:50
today. Fucking awesome. Good call. Good cock.
2:55
Yeah, yeah. Someone's calling HR right now. Yeah,
2:58
exactly. Those cowards. I have not heard anything
3:01
yet. Well, you've removed it now, so maybe. The
3:05
next meeting. OK, crafting those emails generally
3:08
take a little bit of time to like HR is not going
3:11
to like have a blanket dildo in the background.
3:15
I say you beat him to the punch and you just
3:17
write an email back and be like, so regarding
3:19
the dick in my background, it wasn't. And then
3:24
direct them to the Xenomorph Wikipedia page.
3:26
It's just subject line. Ari, my wang. My wang.
3:31
Wang. Wang. Ah, Peggy Sue. What a fucking stupid
3:37
movie. Indeed. It's the lovely month of October
3:42
and the perfect time for a Christmas movie. It
3:45
comes earlier and earlier every year. Before
3:47
we get into that, welcome back to Cage Match,
3:49
calling around about Wave Media, Nicholas Cage.
3:50
I'm your host, Sean, here with my co -host. Nick.
3:53
And our producer. Hello, Peter. I'm here. What?
3:57
First time returning guest. Shay. Welcome back.
4:01
Welcome back. hey hey y 'all and your second
4:03
animated uh review yeah you you've made um you've
4:08
forced me at at you forced me to watch some interesting
4:13
things Listen, the Boom Boom Pow still fucking
4:17
hits. This movie could have used some Boom Boom
4:19
Pow. Yeah, this movie could have used some Black
4:21
Eyed Peas. Yeah. And more Tracy Morgan. Oh, okay.
4:25
So speaking of the music of it, though, holy
4:27
fuck. The music at the end, Kate Winslet singing
4:30
that song. What the fuck? That started rolling
4:34
and we were just like, I'm done. Yeah, nope.
4:36
I think. For context to our listeners, we're
4:38
discussing Christmas Carol, colon, the movie
4:40
from 2003. 2001, which most people would probably
4:46
assume was that Robert Zemeckis like hot piece
4:48
of shit. I did. Most people do. This is a British
4:52
movie that came out and to no fanfare after a
4:56
six million pound budget. It made like no money.
5:02
Every pound that went into it. And every pound
5:08
that was excluded from it. So so part of the
5:13
challenge of this movie was definitely fucking
5:15
finding it. Right. Yeah. It was not on any services
5:19
that I could. Dug it up on the Internet Archive.
5:24
Did you find it somewhere? I rented it on Amazon
5:28
for two bucks. Did it look as dog shit as the
5:31
version I found for everyone? Probably. I was
5:33
looking for the version you sent. I couldn't
5:35
I couldn't find it. So I'm like, I'll just rent
5:37
it. Wow. OK. It did not look good. I believe
5:41
I texted you. that this movie looks like shit
5:44
yeah i think i said the same thing to peter but
5:47
i was like it's not because of the video quality
5:50
if you know what i mean right the video quality
5:51
actually does it a service in blocking us from
5:54
having to see it so much like i've never been
5:57
so so thankful for pixels yeah i i got like i
6:02
always get like a cascade of texts from everybody
6:04
who's watching these movies and this was like
6:06
very consistent messaging coming across Can I
6:11
just say three things at the top? Yes. One, how
6:14
dare you make me watch a Christmas movie in October?
6:18
Two, how dare you make me watch this movie at
6:24
all? Ever. Ever. Three, I liked the mice. Okay.
6:29
Yeah, that's one of my bullet points. We're going
6:32
to get there. Yeah, I just needed to just get
6:34
my three. I do. I do want to share my initial
6:37
text to Peter. I just from my from my couch with
6:40
my phone, just took a photo of a still of the
6:43
character Joe when he's first introduced to with
6:46
the caption. I found a gear heart in this movie.
6:49
Which one's Joe? Joe is the guy who's shaking
6:51
people down for money. Oh, Joe fucking rock.
6:54
See? Yeah, he was the best part of this movie.
6:56
I agree. So it's a Christmas carol. We all know
7:00
the story. We don't need to recap it because
7:01
they don't. change it at all except they add
7:03
cartoon mice because it's a cartoon well they
7:06
also have the sandwiching of charles dickens
7:08
reading it to a crowd of people yeah so there's
7:12
the live action intro and outro yeah depending
7:14
on which version you got yeah which version you
7:16
get because they cut that out for dvd release
7:18
but it added so much quality it was so worth
7:23
it uh but here's my question just about the christmas
7:26
carol story in general what the fuck does bob
7:29
not bob cratchit uh fucking tiny tim's dad yeah
7:32
crash it what does it do yeah i don't know he's
7:35
like a book tallier he's like yeah he's just
7:39
like he just writes in a book he keeps the books
7:43
he's the accountant he's an excel spreadsheet
7:46
yeah yeah but he doesn't he's not looking at
7:49
anything he's not talking anybody he's just writing
7:51
in a book i don't know He's got it all in his
7:55
head, okay? Yeah, he's got a very talented brain.
7:57
How dare you? It's a beautiful mind. Do you know
8:00
how many more pounds they would have had to pay
8:02
to animate pages next to him that he shuffles
8:05
through aimlessly looking for receipts? They
8:07
spent a large amount of their budget on the animated
8:09
3D mice at the beginning and end. Yeah. I did
8:14
like the transition from 3D mouse to 2D mouse.
8:16
Yeah, I will say, though, that 3D mouse, you
8:20
remember that movie? way in the 80s i think it
8:24
was released and it had the little live action
8:27
but animated little mouse in a car driving around
8:31
god what is it like a stewart little kind of
8:33
thing or kind of but it wasn't that it was like
8:36
no was richard gear in it no i'll was it in richard
8:41
gear i'll think about it was it in richard gear
8:43
yeah that's an important question which small
8:46
rodent was in richard Anyway, it reminded me
8:50
of the 80s. OK, when you remember, just yell
8:52
it out randomly, no matter who's talking, just
8:55
so we can have it for later. You're maybe our
8:57
most podcast guest ever. So you know how this
9:01
works and we know you. One of the things that
9:04
I was sort of realizing because I looked at this
9:06
is like the last movie we reviewed was Deadfall
9:08
1993. This movie is September 15th, 2001. And
9:13
it's like that's a big gap right there. But it's
9:16
a testament to the shit that he was doing. successfully
9:19
in that window of time between 93 and 2001 because
9:23
we hit all of those movies. This seems like a
9:27
weirdly small role for him at this point in his
9:29
career. I don't understand why he did this based
9:33
on the enthusiasm of his performance. I don't
9:37
know that he did do this. I think they just caught
9:39
him like sleep talking. And he just knew the
9:43
lines. He didn't even attempt the accent. Like,
9:46
he could have slaughtered a British accent. No
9:48
accent. No, like, ghost noises. It was just like,
9:52
I am Marley. Oh, you thought that was a British
9:55
accent? I thought he was attempting. I thought
9:58
there was some, like, dropped R's, you know?
10:01
Because I was trying to tune in on that as well.
10:06
But it was only like, it was like three words.
10:09
I felt like he was. Trying to slide in there,
10:12
but again, only attempting and it was horrible.
10:16
It's pretty bad. Yeah. Maybe he's only got three
10:19
British words and he tries to slide those in,
10:21
but the rest is like Boston Cop. Oh, the mouse
10:27
and the motorcycle. Oh, I do remember that. But
10:31
that mouse was better and that was 1987. That's
10:34
all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. See, Shay,
10:37
this is why we couldn't figure it out. You said
10:39
car. I did say car. I did say car. My brain,
10:42
it turned it into a car in my mind, in my mind's
10:45
eye. I mean, a motorcycle is just half of a car.
10:48
I knew it was a vehicle. I mean, a car is just
10:50
two motorcycles with a little house in the middle.
10:53
Right. Yeah. You understand how this works. Yeah.
10:55
I'm on IMDb right now. This was like so the director
10:59
of this movie, Jimmy T. Murakami. This was his
11:03
final like film. Well, his final like important
11:06
film is like biggest one. He did a music, a Kate
11:10
Bush music video after this. Yeah. This was his
11:13
last like film, like feature film. I hadn't realized
11:16
that I actually knew this director when we were
11:18
watching this. And one of the things that kind
11:20
of came across to me when. they're doing the
11:22
ghost of Christmas present, right? Where he's
11:25
like flying around the city and it's very, you
11:27
know, swirly animation. And it's like, Oh, this
11:29
is actually kind of well done. And it, it reminded
11:33
me of this old short called the snowman that
11:36
I saw when I was younger, which is like sort
11:38
of a, they made a book about, you know, exactly
11:40
what I'm talking about with that one theme, the
11:42
music. Yeah. You know exactly what I'm talking
11:44
about. yeah no i know i wish i could so rachel
11:49
hates that movie because she's like that music
11:50
makes me like sad immediately when i hear it
11:52
because you know the snowman ultimately like
11:54
melts or some shit you know whatever it's not
11:56
yeah um but it's the same director oh So that
12:00
was one of his early movies. And then he used
12:03
a lot of that same technique for this one. So
12:05
like some of that, because that movie is kind
12:06
of trippy in its visuals. And a lot of that flying
12:09
scene feels sort of like magic trip, you know,
12:12
and I was like, ah, this is why this feels so
12:15
fucking familiar. It's one of the only scenes
12:18
that has any real kind of like art direction
12:21
behind it. They kind of try and do something
12:24
different also with the ghost of Christmas future
12:27
where. It's more of a still and very rough. Maybe
12:33
the budget ran out at that point. I don't know.
12:35
The ghosts are the only mildly interesting thing
12:37
to look at in this movie. Yeah, mildly. Very
12:40
mildly. Do y 'all watch King of the Hills? Are
12:45
you pretty familiar with it? Yes, I'm pretty
12:48
familiar. Is this snowman music? Yeah. So like
13:06
Enya is just doing snowman music? Pretty much.
13:10
Cool. You know what? I completely lost. I'm going
13:15
to put that on the speaker out in my Halloween
13:19
display now. Fantastic. It just really confused
13:21
everyone. What were you saying? I don't even
13:23
remember. Oh, I said something about King of
13:25
the Hill. Oh yeah, King of the Hill. You were
13:27
familiar with it. And there's one episode. I
13:29
have it on DVD. So I've seen. I think like the
13:32
first season and the second season, like a million
13:34
times. And there's an old woman in one episode
13:38
where there's a tornado at the trailer park and
13:42
they're all like going down into the cellar.
13:44
And she's like, get in the Frady hole. And it's
13:47
like trying to get down there. The ghost of Christmas
13:51
past. was so that woman was so that when she
13:57
was in the old mode like old decrepit mode i
14:00
was like get in the frady hole in my mind i can't
14:05
stop i can't stop your listeners have now i've
14:09
lost them all i'm sorry no no i think there's
14:11
a good over overlap of our listeners that also
14:13
are interested in king of the hill anyway and
14:17
frady holes for sure that's okay the ghost of
14:24
christmas house was like of all this was just
14:26
the hardest thing to look at because it was so
14:29
blown out to every other like thing on screen
14:33
sure yeah the vibrancy of color for that oh sure
14:37
yeah no one wants a blown out frady hole yeah
14:46
yeah i don't i don't really know what to say
14:47
about this film it's because it is just a christmas
14:50
carol they didn't do anything with it so like
14:53
cookie cutter like josie kept mentioning like
14:57
hey did they just rip this off from the muppets
15:00
christmas carol because like even the character
15:02
design was the same some actions and stuff were
15:04
done the same it's always kind of the same i
15:07
mean yeah i was thinking of the scrooge mcduck
15:10
christmas carol where like pete's the best one
15:16
is with michael cain right like the uh is that
15:19
like is that his name the best one is the racist
15:22
one Wait, what's the racist one? Oh, that is
15:24
the one. That is Muppets. You're thinking of
15:26
White Christmas. Oh, yeah. I was thinking of
15:29
Muppets because the only thing that's not a Muppet
15:31
is Michael Caine. Yeah, and that one is good.
15:35
Yeah, that is the best one because the Muppets
15:36
fucking rock. Right. But so this one did have
15:39
something that I thought was like, where is this
15:42
story from? Because I had not seen it because
15:45
usually the Christmas carol ends after he's like.
15:49
yay everyone merry christmas merry christmas
15:52
and then it's done but like you said there was
15:55
like this song that that happens with with bell
16:00
and and a whole story about a hospital and i
16:04
don't remember oh yeah any of that there was
16:07
a lot more like tiny tim oh yeah like attention
16:11
this is the one version of this story where like
16:16
it has a happy anywhere tiny in there because
16:19
at the end they're like and tiny tim was fine
16:20
i'm like no that's not how that story goes yeah
16:24
tiny team has black lung like that's it kids
16:28
love working in factories shut up that's true
16:31
they've got small hands they have tasks to do
16:33
tiny tim is tiny tim is canonically 33 at this
16:37
point in his life yeah i did enjoy when tiny
16:40
tim got bucket of water thrown on him while he
16:44
was caroling that was nice scrooge is a big fuck
16:46
i was like fuck that kid though yeah fair enough
16:50
carol's suck also wouldn't it be funny if that
16:53
wasn't a bucket of water but it was just like
16:55
a waste bucket yeah he throws out his uh chamber
17:00
pot on him yep there you go just frozen turds
17:04
and little timmy's hair suck it dickhead okay
17:08
so i mean we watched this movie because nicholas
17:10
cage does the voice of joseph marley it kept
17:13
throwing me off though it kept throwing me off
17:17
though that the scrooge character design kind
17:19
of looks like a caricature of nick cage oh yeah
17:21
for sure yeah yes has that very oval face yeah
17:27
certainly had he never gotten the hair plugs
17:30
a future version yeah so the bell story i mean
17:34
okay That is, like, a piece of it. Because other
17:38
iterations do it and play it up differently.
17:41
This one, like, hit it harder. But the thing
17:43
that has never made any sense to me... There's
17:45
just more of it, I felt. He's, like, always painted...
17:48
And in particular, this Zemeckis one, where he's,
17:50
like, a really old piece of shit. Like, he looks
17:53
like shit. He is a shit. Right, his skin tone
17:55
is, like... And he has this, like, beautiful
17:56
woman that also had fallen in love with him because
17:59
of a dance at fucking Fezziwigs. I'm like, none
18:01
of this makes any fucking sense. Like... This
18:04
one maybe played it a little bit better where
18:06
he was like young and almost charming for a period
18:09
of time. Yeah, they kind of gave him a better
18:13
youth story. I feel like he was actually kind
18:18
of decent. Has anyone ever actually read the
18:21
story? I never have. I don't like books. I've
18:25
only ever seen adaptations of it. I've done a
18:28
stage show of it, and I've seen the Muppet Christmas
18:32
Carol and maybe one other Christmas Carol. And
18:34
who were you? A stagehand. Oh. As God intended.
18:41
I'm not going to go read it, but I am curious
18:45
if this is maybe more of an accurate depiction
18:47
than we're used to seeing by a Muppet. Yeah.
18:51
Or Zemeckis. Unless with the live action. charles
18:56
dickens character set at the end he's like i
18:58
know this is a different version it's true than
19:01
i've written before that's my weird british that's
19:05
such a good british accent no i was so confused
19:08
when that when it started with the live action
19:10
thing because that same actor in the same makeup
19:13
plays charles dickens in season one of the new
19:17
doctor who that's right so i like i turn this
19:20
on and like the opening is kind of the same and
19:22
i'm like Am I watching Doctor Who? Because if
19:25
I am, that's what I'm doing for this week's podcast.
19:28
Yeah, you would have had a better time, I'm sure.
19:30
It would be weird if this movie was just a special
19:34
like Christmas episode of Doctor Who. There was
19:37
like an animated doctor in it. And see, this
19:41
is already better. Yeah. And I don't even care
19:43
for Doctor Who, but it would be better. I also
19:46
like when Charles Dickens gets out of the cart
19:48
and he's greeted by. the theater manager is like
19:51
do you have snow in england did you not read
19:54
the book yeah right it's cold as shit there no
19:58
how cool was joe i was just gonna say let's talk
20:02
about joe yeah i love anybody who has like cut
20:06
off glove hands oh yeah that's like a certain
20:08
vibe and he was just like a slab of meat he was
20:12
a big old thick one he was good just shaking
20:15
people down for all their hard -earned money
20:17
putting people in debtors prison oh well i mean
20:19
the cops did that fuck the cops yeah that was
20:21
such like a cheery scene too it's like everyone
20:24
having a horrible time getting thrown in debtors
20:26
prison yeah like scrooge is just sort of like
20:28
i'm gonna put a log on the fire well and there
20:31
okay so there's the thing like in every animated
20:33
version of this i've ever seen any version of
20:35
the story i've ever scene it's just like they
20:38
always just depict scrooge like he's a skinflint
20:40
he's just cheap he's just a cheap guy who is
20:43
what was the term skinflint isn't that a good
20:45
one that is a good one i've never heard skinflint
20:48
before and flute what skinflute is a different
20:50
thing is it like a flint and steel where with
20:53
like enough rubbing it starts a fire the old
20:55
skinflint but he's like he's always just basically
20:58
as a really hard steel though who's just mean
21:02
like right people hate him just because he's
21:05
mean whereas in this he's like no he is buying
21:08
debts from the bank and throw and having people
21:10
thrown in debtor's prison so all of their earthly
21:13
belongings could be sold and he could get what
21:16
little money he can from it yeah he's like sally
21:18
may genuinely a horrid like character in this
21:23
one and i'm like okay this makes more sense why
21:25
everyone hates him Cause I'm shitty and people
21:29
tend to like me. I think this is the big, like
21:32
beef that I have with the entire Christmas Carol
21:35
story in general is that like, it's about this
21:38
guy who's a piece of shit, right? He sucks. He's
21:40
a miser. He's a skin Flint, whatever. He plays
21:43
the skin flute all the time. Yeah. It's like,
21:47
and he just sucks and he sucks so bad. And then
21:50
magically someone's like, Hey bitch, you're going
21:53
to die soon. Or maybe not even soon. You're going
21:55
to die. And he's like, No! Oh, yeah. The concept
22:01
of mortality never crossed his mind. And that's
22:03
it. And then he's like, fuck, I'm giving all
22:05
my money to the poor. Like, you, street urchin,
22:07
poor, here, have money, whatever. I don't give
22:10
a fuck. Buy a turkey. I don't care if you steal
22:12
from me. It's like, there's no chance that a
22:14
rich person is ever going to do that. ever ever
22:16
ever i'm gonna i will say this is i will give
22:19
credit to this movie in one respect also at the
22:22
end when he wakes up from uh the night and he's
22:25
having his like what day is it moment he's still
22:27
kind of shitty and then he's like no be better
22:29
and he like apologizes to the kid but then he
22:32
goes back into his apartment and starts getting
22:33
ready and then he starts like having his normal
22:36
horrible thoughts and he has to remind himself
22:38
like no we're going to be better and i actually
22:41
kind of appreciated that he's not instantly better
22:44
he just knows he has to try harder that's true
22:47
i noticed that as well i suppose i appreciated
22:49
that aspect of this uh this rendition yeah that
22:53
was definitely different from other iterations
22:55
but yeah Like, could you imagine there's that
22:58
CEO who's like taking his son's blood or whatever
23:01
to try and get younger? Oh, for the fucking.
23:05
I don't remember what company he works for, but
23:06
it doesn't matter. You know who I'm talking about?
23:09
Brian something. Brian Johnson or something like
23:12
that. He's like getting his son's blood infusions
23:15
and they have like come masturbation competitions
23:18
together. Yeah. That dude is never. It doesn't
23:23
matter how many fucking ghosts come to him and
23:25
are like, hey, bitch, you're going to die. He's
23:27
going to be like, whatever, I'm living forever.
23:28
Yeah, he's taking all my money. He knows that
23:32
he's like, well, yeah, that's why I'm a man.
23:34
That's why I'm doing as much of this shit as
23:36
I carry me with my money. Yeah, that's why I'm
23:40
living it. In fact, stuff my body with money.
23:44
stuff my body with money if anybody wants my
23:47
money they'll have to get it from me national
23:50
treasure three that guy spends like five hours
23:53
a day in like an isolation chamber i just i can't
23:57
wait till the day he's told he's dying and he
24:00
has to just think back on the thousands of hours
24:03
he spent not doing anything i'm not gonna lie
24:09
if you told me that i could spend five hours
24:12
a day not being bothered by people i would be
24:15
like fuck yeah give me five hours of nothing
24:18
think how rejuvenating that would actually be
24:20
to have five hours of just dead ass peace yeah
24:23
i wouldn't have to worry about like work texts
24:25
or emails nothing nothing i could just hang out
24:29
like there's not even like a magnet that's a
24:31
like doing anything to your systems unless i
24:34
wanted it to maybe you do yeah it enhances the
24:37
isolation it just pulls on my prince albert just
24:42
right jesus i gotta balance it i mean if i'm
24:47
rich i'm definitely getting a dong piercing so
24:49
all right i mean i think the poors can get a
24:51
dong piercing too i don't know that they're that
24:53
expensive no well no the money if you need if
24:56
you really need that no but i need to have the
24:59
money to back it up in my 40s like like i need
25:04
to be able to be like yeah i've got a fucking
25:07
three ounces of steel hanging off my dick but
25:11
how many people do you are you planning on showing
25:14
this to where you need to i have a dick piercing
25:16
i'm gonna show everybody to all the people but
25:18
it's gonna be like the marley stuff where it's
25:20
just like chains and hanging boxes oh man yeah
25:23
yeah that's how you elongate i'll get I'll get
25:27
a like a Catholic, what are those things called?
25:30
A censor. I'll just be burning incense and dangling
25:33
it off my dick all day. I'll be conducting rites.
25:36
I'll be like, I'll have the little like broom
25:39
splashing water on people just being like, but
25:42
it's not water. It's never water. I've seen I've
25:46
seen this in 40K. Oh, man. Was anyone else like
25:51
underwhelmed by the amount of chains Marley had?
25:54
He just had like the one chain around his waist.
25:56
Yeah. And then he was like, can you sit down
26:00
or something like that? And he was like, yes,
26:02
I can. And he like throws the box over the chair.
26:06
I was like. What is this sassy nonsense that's
26:09
happening between them? Weirdly enough, that
26:09
is in most of the representations of this. Because
26:12
I watched three different versions of this movie.
26:16
In preparation for this? In preparation for this,
26:18
because I could only watch a little bit of this
26:20
before. I was like, this is so bad. I'm going
26:22
to watch the whole thing, and I'm going to do
26:23
something else with my time. A masochist. Well,
26:26
I needed something to talk about. Fuck. I just
26:29
planned on getting drunk. I mean, it's working
26:31
great. This is great content. I'm talking more
26:35
the more I drink, and that's fine. All right,
26:37
so we know Nick's midlife crisis is dong piercing.
26:42
What's someone else got planned? With an incense
26:43
attachment. I mean, I had two children, so I
26:46
think that's basically it. Yeah, do you feel
26:50
your mortality is more at ease? Listen, man,
26:55
they're going to have young blood that I can
26:57
infuse at some point and become youthful forever.
27:01
That's good. I don't know what my midlife crisis
27:03
is. Purchasing overalls? I'm not sure. Whoa.
27:06
Sick. Okay. Nice. Does it have like the bib pocket?
27:10
Yeah. Okay. Well, fuck yeah. What do you keep
27:12
in there? I mean, probably some weed. Yeah. A
27:16
weed pen. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. That's
27:18
where that goes. Sunglasses maybe. It's like
27:20
no tools. Nothing you actually need in there.
27:22
Well, sunglasses. Well, I'm sorry. Things you
27:23
need. Excuse me. And my weed pen. All right.
27:26
I recently got some overall shorts. their shorts
27:31
with overall yeah okay i got those two maybe
27:33
i had tip to marissa yeah that's probably we
27:35
did it all for her birthday it was like seven
27:38
of us got them i love it yeah i feel cute in
27:42
them so good what there you go you know what
27:44
i'm picturing it that's perfect i love it but
27:50
this movie um okay wait okay well you got to
27:54
bring us down no i wasn't gonna i wasn't gonna
27:56
bring it down because i was i was gonna bring
27:58
up another movie that it The reason why I actually
28:01
did kind of like the mice, even though the squeaks,
28:05
it was like, there was a lot of squeaks. Like
28:07
we didn't need, especially when they're not even
28:09
telling us what the mice are saying to each other.
28:12
It's just like, it's just like, yeah, a pantomime
28:16
of what they're trying to say. But it reminded
28:19
me a little bit of the secret of NIMH. the way
28:23
that they were they were drawn similarly looked
28:25
a little bit so that maybe i think gave me a
28:29
little bit of a nostalgic feel but also secret
28:32
and m better better animation better animation
28:36
also from the 80s this movie like the mice were
28:38
the only things that were like consistently well
28:41
animated like as opposed to all the people who
28:44
peter you said they looked like you know almost
28:48
rotoscoped yeah it's like bad rotoscoping yeah
28:52
yeah the animation of the people i loved when
28:55
perspective didn't match up with the action like
28:58
you're riding a horse and you're going like up
29:02
and to the left and it just looks like you're
29:05
the same animation being shrunk but like just
29:09
kind of dragged across and it's like that's not
29:12
how horses move their mouse and was just like
29:14
putting this here it was like select all push
29:18
screen record the animation was bad and i love
29:24
like there's it's bad the whole way through but
29:26
there are those little moments where like you
29:27
can see that they just They either ran out of
29:30
money or they stopped carrying the Fezziwick
29:32
dance scene because like it lasts all of like
29:35
four seconds. Like we need to loop this thing
29:37
for a solid minute. So you cut away and then
29:41
you cut back to the same like three jigs maneuvers
29:44
and then you cut away and then you play it backwards.
29:47
Ooh, reverse jig. I was trying to like watch
29:52
this and then I started. At the same time, finding
29:57
clips on YouTube of the other Christmas Carol.
30:01
The Zemeckis one? I only watched a couple of
30:04
clips because that's another one that like you
30:06
can't find anywhere. And I just didn't want to
30:08
pay. I didn't want to pay for it because I wasn't
30:10
going to watch another full. Which is a half
30:14
hour longer at least. This movie was already
30:17
too long. The Fezziwig scene is like fucking
30:19
15 minutes in that. I found a clip and I had
30:22
no idea what was going on. It was probably with
30:27
the, I think it was with the Ghost of Christmas
30:29
Present. And I can't even, he was in this like
30:33
empty room. Man, I don't even know. I don't know
30:38
what was happening. It was really weird and creepy.
30:42
And that kind of level, it's like for those listeners
30:45
who don't know, this is one that's really super
30:48
3D. It was meant to be an IMAX 3D movie. Right.
30:54
That kind of animation where it's almost real
30:57
really fucking creeps me out. And I can't do
31:01
it. It's horrible. I just can't do it. It's like
31:02
you're not a Polar Express guy. It doesn't it
31:06
doesn't matter. Like you're not going to hurt
31:07
my feelings because I don't like any Christmas
31:10
story. I understand people who appreciate the
31:12
story. But yeah, that kind of animation, it really
31:16
hurts my brain. It's repulsive. like zemeckis
31:19
went so hard in on this and i was telling peter
31:22
this that in like 2005 in an interview he was
31:26
talking about like his dream for this animation
31:29
style he's like i want to remake yellow submarine
31:31
with tom hanks but as all of the needles gross
31:34
it's the only time i've ever thought about like
31:37
honestly thought about murder So my quote, my
31:41
quote to Sean was the Zemeckis movie and tech.
31:45
It looks like hot, shiny diarrhea was extruded
31:48
directly into my eyes. It is. It's like it's
31:52
repulsive. It offends my eyes to look at that.
31:55
It's like I think about certain kids TV shows
31:57
that just like offend me because I have children.
32:00
Caillou doesn't bother me that much, but like
32:03
I don't want to watch that show. Sure. But the
32:05
art design of that isn't like repulsive. Oh,
32:07
sure. OK. The design of Peppa Pig looks terrible.
32:10
It's just badly drawn, even though the show is
32:13
not bad. It's cheap. Cocomelon is one of those
32:18
things that is like a horribly cheap animation
32:21
thing that just looks like shit. And this is
32:23
exactly that. It's like, why would you choose
32:26
to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on this
32:29
technology to like basically rotoscope Jim Carrey
32:32
as all the ghosts and Ebenezer just looking like.
32:36
hot diarrhea straight to the eyes like it just
32:39
looks like shit yeah it takes all the joy out
32:42
of animation and like he genuinely thought this
32:45
was like the future of filmmaking oh totally
32:47
okay and do you know why it was so bad do you
32:49
know why he he did this you know why he like
32:51
went down that rabbit hole money he made um skinflint
32:57
and tom hanks castaway he made castaway and he
33:00
between the island scenes where tom hanks is
33:03
really skinny and beforehand when he was like
33:05
a normal weight they had to like stop shooting
33:08
for eight months so tom hanks could lose all
33:09
the weight and gain hair so he filmed another
33:11
movie in that eight month period and he was just
33:14
like this sucks that i can't do what i want when
33:16
i want we're just gonna animate everything oh
33:19
that's why he did that oh i was gonna say so
33:22
he did this as a temper tantrum kind of That
33:26
sounds awful. Yes. It feels like it. It feels
33:29
like a child having a temper tantrum. He's like,
33:31
I want to do it my way. Yeah. He got to animate
33:34
a naked Angelina Jolie, though, so also kind
33:37
of just like a child. Wait, hold on. Back up.
33:39
Anyone could animate a naked anyone. Oh, okay.
33:42
She plays Grendel's mom. Oh, nice. Yeah. Grendel's
33:48
mom has got it going on. jesus fuck you sean
33:55
that shouldn't have made me laugh yeah that shouldn't
33:57
have made me laugh i'm not even drinking y 'all
34:00
that was just i don't know that was the most
34:03
unexpected shit okay so so what is if not the
34:07
best christmas carol movie like what is the best
34:10
christmas movie so like best christmas carol
34:13
movie jingle all the way I will hear no notes.
34:16
Is that a Christmas Carol movie or is that just
34:18
a Christmas movie? Oh, you said Christmas Carol
34:20
or Christmas movie. Jingle All The Way is the
34:23
best Christmas movie. Absolutely not. I'm still
34:26
a Gremlins guy. Die Hard's a pretty high up there
34:29
one. I love a rom -com personally, so I could
34:34
watch The Holiday probably like 30 ,000 times.
34:38
It's my guilty pleasure, but also... I don't
34:41
really feel all that guilty about it. You can
34:43
hear Jude Law say, hi, I'm daddy. And yes, and
34:47
I, exactly. I've never heard of this movie. Also
34:51
though, a movie with Kate Winslet, just tying
34:54
it back. It's true, tie it all in. Tying it back.
34:57
She doesn't sing either. She does not well. She
35:00
does say a screwedly do in that movie. That's
35:03
true. There is. There is. So it's got Scroodley
35:07
Doo and I Am Daddy. Okay. Can I just get like
35:11
an audio clip of Scroodley Doo added in somewhere?
35:15
Yeah, please. Because I want to hear that in
35:17
like a week. Yep. I won't look it up myself.
35:19
That'll be part of our outro. We'll get Shade
35:21
to just say Scroodley Doo. Okay, that movie is
35:30
actually pretty good. That's like... Also, it's
35:32
just cute. It's prime Jack Black for me where
35:34
he's not like way over the top, like, you know,
35:38
but he's still Jack Black. He's still Jack Black.
35:40
He's still giving himself. But it's it fits this
35:43
particular role, in my opinion. And it's I just
35:46
like feeling good sometimes and not thinking
35:50
about too much. plot or whatever it's a christmas
35:55
film the plot's pretty thin regardless it's basically
35:57
a wife swap christmas movie yeah that's it it's
35:59
so and it's so crazy wife swapping wasn't it
36:03
it's two friends who like it's a house swap you're
36:06
bringing me right back oh never mind that's right
36:09
they aren't partnered no that's why there's romance
36:12
and a rom -comery of it all right i kind of like
36:16
that no i'll just stick to porn hub that's fine
36:18
you do that Yeah, all kinds of good Christmas
36:21
stuff there, I'm sure. Yeah, they've got all
36:24
the holidays on Pornhub. Pornhub doesn't discriminate.
36:26
That's my favorite thing about them. Oh, what's
36:28
their ID category like? Their what? ID. I'll
36:32
check it out. Yeah. I'll give you a report. I
36:36
didn't care for the mice. I'm just going to say
36:38
it. Oh, now we can fight. Good. Yeah, that part,
36:41
like I felt. It was so forced and it's like,
36:44
quit fucking cutting to mice. Oh, I just also
36:48
wanted the movie to end. Yeah. And the fact that
36:51
it was always like. Here's a thing that now we're
36:54
going to just interject into the scene. And why
36:57
was Ebenezer always nice to the mice? What was
37:00
up with that? Like he was giving them food. He
37:03
was like talking to them nicely. Like if Cratchit
37:06
had wanted a piece of cheese, he would be like,
37:08
get fucked Cratchit. Yeah. But meanwhile, he's
37:10
like, here's a fucking bowl of porridge. Fucking
37:12
chill. Share it with your rat friend. Yeah. Invite
37:16
more rats into my super nice house. I don't know
37:20
about anyone else, but sometimes I'm like animals
37:23
greater than people. That's all I'm saying. Yeah,
37:27
that's reasonable. If there is a movie, I could
37:30
watch a movie where a thousand people die, murdered,
37:33
it's violent. I'm just like, okay. You know,
37:38
and then I, if there's an animal that dies, I
37:41
will fast forward sometimes. I will walk out
37:44
of the room because I will cry. And that's just
37:47
not, so. In some regard, I didn't hate it, but
37:51
I was also like, why? Because that's not a part
37:53
of it. It's a why thing for me. It's like, why?
37:55
Why do we do this? Why is it doing it? I agree.
37:58
The mice, it was a gimmick, but I didn't like
38:01
it for the storyline that they added or didn't
38:05
add. I just like the animation. That's fine.
38:09
I was 20 minutes into this film and I'm texting
38:11
Peter. I'm like, I can't tell if there's one
38:13
or two mice in this film. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when
38:17
it became two mice, it kind of clarified and
38:19
like made it easier. But I also at the same time,
38:23
not easier. I liked it when one mouse got excluded
38:26
from the joy ride. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you couldn't
38:29
make it through the window. It was like, fuck
38:30
you, mouse. He has sin in his heart. Yeah. Rat
38:35
bastard. The whole mice like subplot did not
38:39
care for it, didn't add anything to it. I don't
38:41
think there's anything wrong with like showing
38:42
Scrooge has like a soft side for like. not people
38:47
like for him just being like oh here's this tiny
38:49
helpless animal that doesn't take anything so
38:53
like i'll give it cheese like showing he's not
38:55
a complete inhuman monster it's taking cheese
38:57
he's giving it cheese i i just think i think
39:01
scrooge providing charity to anybody is antithesis
39:06
to the character and i don't like it until like
39:10
the end well i don't like the end either i don't
39:11
like the movie but i don't like the beginning
39:15
it's just inconsistent i think it's just super
39:17
inconsistent and well yeah well they have that
39:21
shitty ass song i know yeah so this movie is
39:25
not good yeah um but let's let's get back to
39:28
the the core of what we're doing here which is
39:31
about nicholas cage let's talk about his his
39:34
three little vignettes that he gets because he
39:36
has well i guess four if you count him being
39:38
the door knocker or whatever but he wasn't the
39:41
door knocker oh he's is he not no that's that's
39:44
um wait yes never mind sorry marley yeah yeah
39:49
yeah okay sorry sorry so you have him being the
39:51
door knocker and then you have him door knocker
39:54
sounds like a slur and then you got up there
39:57
with skin flint actually talking to scrooge for
40:00
a period and then he has like two other little
40:02
bits that don't mean anything you know it's just
40:05
like reminder stuff about the chains and suffering
40:08
there was one background character that laughed
40:11
and it sounded a lot like nicholas cage in the
40:13
beginning i think it was in my head canon it
40:16
was they probably just caught him on on mike
40:19
laughing and they're like we're gonna put it
40:20
in put that in there just put hey we need some
40:23
laughter right here so i mean i guess i guess
40:25
we're at the point of like cage grid You know,
40:28
like bad movie, bad cage. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This
40:34
is rough. This is bottom left. It's bad movie,
40:37
bottom, bad cage. Yeah. He was like high on something
40:41
when he signed this contract. He was like, or
40:43
when he told his agent. Yeah. He was like, ah,
40:46
yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds good. Can I record
40:49
my lines on an on a plane? Yeah. I'm pretty confident
40:52
that he had watched the snowman and was like
40:55
Murakami, man, like artist. yeah that makes sense
40:59
i want to be i want to be in a murakami film
41:01
and this was this was the one i mean honestly
41:05
if i didn't know nick cage was in this i would
41:07
not have recognized his voice because not a chance
41:09
he's like again this is this is after like kind
41:13
of his peak time this is kind of on the down
41:15
slope and the performance really gives me like
41:18
late 80s cage like in terms of the voice the
41:22
projection like all of it just like this seems
41:24
like so much earlier in his career than it is
41:27
yeah it's a really flat line read the speech
41:30
was it was just weird it was just weird i don't
41:36
remember it ever being that bizarre it was but
41:40
it was also just bizarre i was like what is he
41:42
even saying i don't this was by far probably
41:45
the boringest marley that has ever been portrayed
41:49
there's no highs or lows it's just mid who plays
41:55
marley in the muppets it's two it's the is it
41:59
the old guys it's all guys yes it's the i can't
42:03
remember it's maybe marley and marley or something
42:06
like that we're marley and marley that's what
42:11
it is there you can use that one too i'll give
42:13
you free incredible free reign over that sound
42:15
soundbite too if you need it That's actually
42:20
part of the disclaimer. Thank you for releasing
42:22
all your rights. Enjoy the Shay AI bod. Thanks
42:28
for the consent, finally. We've been stealing
42:32
it for the last three, but this fourth one really
42:34
got locked in. I've been told consent matters,
42:38
so we need that from you. So, yeah, shit. I mean,
42:42
I don't know. Is there anything else to say about
42:44
this movie or the performances or Christmas in
42:47
October? Don't watch it, y 'all. Don't watch
42:49
it. Please don't. I mean, it's a ghost story,
42:52
but it's the boringest of ghost stories. It's
42:54
just prudes. It's like if you got haunted by
42:59
that fucking ant you didn't want to see at Thanksgiving.
43:02
Right. And if you need to watch a Christmas Carol,
43:05
you know which one to go to. That's all I'm saying.
43:08
You know which one? The Muppets. Always. Or possibly
43:12
Scrooged. Yeah, that one's pretty funny. I haven't
43:18
seen that in a hot minute. Yeah, it has its moments.
43:20
I guess Bill Murray had a really hard time with
43:23
the director of that one. But Carol Kane as the
43:26
ghost of Christmas present, I think is pretty
43:29
fucking funny. She's good. Her voice is so bad
43:32
and great. In everything. In everything. Just
43:36
always. Was she dead? Did she die yet? I hope
43:39
not. No. I mean, she's got to be pretty old now.
43:43
I don't think she died. She is not dead. I was
43:46
like, she did Kimmy Schmidt recently. She did
43:48
do Kimmy Schmidt. Yeah, I'm like, there's no
43:50
way she's not dead. She's 73 years old, in case
43:53
you're wondering. Alive and well. That's younger
43:55
than I thought. Kimmy Schmidt seems older. It
43:58
was a while ago. A while ago. Well, yeah, but...
44:00
That was pretty early Netflix, like, original
44:02
series. Yeah, I know it was a while ago. But
44:06
really, it wasn't. People die all the time. Literally
44:09
every day. But I'm glad that Carol Kane is still
44:12
alive in 73. Yeah. Well, Carol Kane. All right.
44:16
On that note. The best Carol that we've spoken
44:20
of today. The only Carol that matters. The only
44:24
one that matters. Yeah, well, fuck. I mean, I
44:27
think that's kind of it, right? Yeah, fuck this
44:29
movie. That sucks, and I'm actively angry that
44:33
I had to watch A Christmas Carol, colon, the
44:36
movie. What a stupid -ass title, too. Who puts
44:40
colons in the middle of their titles? Especially
44:43
to declare it's a movie, that you are going to
44:45
the movies to go watch a movie. Right. Yeah.
44:48
And that already is in movie form. Multiple times.
44:54
Multiple times. It's not like it's a new concept
44:57
for the story. the first time the movie just
45:02
put on by a bunch of fucking colonizers yeah
45:05
well I'm gonna go I need to go cleanse my my
45:09
eye palette and watch the muppet one now my eye
45:12
and ear palette really and all your watch that
45:16
one yeah i'll cleanse all my holes all holes
45:20
are important holes peter oh man all holes matter
45:24
good point so unfortunately next up we've got
45:28
the movie sunny which is starring james franco
45:31
boo um but Nick Cage does play a character named
45:36
Acid Yellow, who wears a fake nose. Once again,
45:39
there's a very consistent trend in the movies
45:43
in his back catalog that didn't make the 64.
45:45
He has a lot of fake noses. That's wild. And
45:49
it's got Harry Dean Stanton, too. Oh, OK. All
45:53
right. Is it a Christmas film? No, I think it's
45:56
about a male prostitute. Fuck yeah. Is Harry
45:58
Dean Stan playing another polygamist? Probably.
46:02
I don't know. Let's assume yes until proven otherwise.
46:08
Cool. Well, thanks for having me, y 'all. Yeah,
46:10
thanks for coming back for number four, Shane.
46:12
Next animated film. You're first on our docket.
46:15
Oh, yeah. Do you want to come back for Ant Bully?
46:17
Let me know. Yeah, sure. Why not? whatever you
46:21
need as long as it gets me my jacket or would
46:23
you prefer uh astro boy i'm genuinely i'm actually
46:30
kind of excited for astro boy my friend tiffany
46:31
talks it up a lot it's her she says it's her
46:33
favorite nick cage movie okay interesting as
46:36
somebody with kind of a natural astro boy like
46:39
hair swoop uh it appeals to me is that another
46:42
oddly like 3d animated style i mean it's a 3d
46:47
animation one but i don't think it's like trying
46:50
to be well crazy for anything i don't know i'm
46:53
weird about those movies but well i'll uh check
46:55
it out i'll let you know but yes good you're
47:00
our animation guru now because we have to have
47:04
somebody to balance out nick for just hating
47:05
every animation ever i don't hate every animation
47:09
ever it just happens to be that like spider verse
47:13
shit aside most of it is nicholas cage has not
47:16
put out a good animated film crudes and crudes
47:20
too it's amazing it's not amazing it's just mid
47:25
but it's good punch monkeys are good it's a mid
47:30
that you can enjoy yeah you that i can enjoy
47:34
yes more than this movie yeah well thank you
47:38
to everyone listening and making it through this
47:40
ride thank you to our sparkle buddies josh josie
47:44
matt adam bill stewart and willow and to our
47:46
cage dancers john freeman nathan and cameron
47:48
and to bill panks for our intro music um if you
47:52
guys want to come to watch mandy in a couple
47:55
of weeks uh it will be playing at the beacon
47:57
in seattle on the 23rd of october 7 30. Which
48:03
will be like a week after this comes out, so.
48:05
Yeah, so in one week. The song. Scroodly do me.
48:11
Scroodly do. Doodly do. Oh my god, we both said
48:15
scroodly. Yes. I'm holding Betty's hand.