Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What Do I Think About "Inspiring Dread" Or "Being A Man Of Mystery"?

Transcript

What Do I Think About "Inspiring Dread" Or "Being A Man Of Mystery"? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi, guys, and welcome to the dr. Psych mom, show today.
0:09
I am going to be poking a little bit of fun.
0:12
Add a male written piece of advice literature from the
0:19
internet in similar, in a similar vein to what I did with
0:23
Fairplay. Remember, my podcast on that
0:26
because these things are really similar.
0:29
They don't seem similar at first, but a lot of stuff that
0:32
men's forms tell you to do, or Just as ridiculous as shit that
0:36
woman's forms, tell women to do. So, before I get to that, please
0:41
do subscribe. I've probably seventy six
0:44
episodes or more that are subscriber, only lots of stuff
0:47
on boundaries, relationships, sex how to get your wife to have
0:52
sex with you, how to get your husband to, you know, do
0:55
whatever it is. You want him to do, be more,
0:57
empathic loads and loads of podcasts.
1:00
Okay. So moving on.
1:02
So, why do I I say, so fair play, you can go back to my
1:06
fair. Play podcast is written by a
1:09
woman who's like, basically the cured.
1:11
Your marital problems is making basically this crazy Excel
1:15
spreadsheet with cards and like, all this crazy shit and dividing
1:19
all the housework, straight down the middle and making sure that
1:22
you each know exactly what you're doing and that you follow
1:26
the task from beginning to end and only in this way.
1:29
Apparently, can you have a loving and passionate marriage?
1:31
So, I don't know, man, doesn't exist.
1:34
Actually sound right to me. Sounds more like a little
1:37
business, and the way that women talk about this sort of thing,
1:42
as those splitting housework down the middle, is going to
1:45
change your marriage is real similar to how things are in the
1:49
manosphere, talk about different ways to manipulate women.
1:53
So this book is about manipulating men.
1:55
The Fairplay one is manipulating men into doing more around the
2:00
house. When I think it gives pretty
2:03
short shrift to things that They may already be doing, you know,
2:06
including possibly, in many cases being the sole or primary
2:10
Breadwinner, but it anyhow. So it's basically how to talk to
2:14
your husband in a different sort of way that.
2:17
And the end goal would be this Fantastical thing where like the
2:23
woman even talks about that. Their marriage is so much
2:26
better. The husband finally understands
2:28
how much she does. And like, you know, when women
2:31
talk about this on the internet, they're like, yes, my husband
2:34
had enough. Tiffany about it.
2:36
Girl, I don't think your husband had an epiphany.
2:38
I think he's like, holy shit. She's gonna divorce me over this
2:41
shit. I gotta sit down with the cards.
2:43
Okay, okay. Oh, I guess I should do some
2:45
more even if I'm already doing a lot.
2:48
Alright, okay, good. Good, you know, and if the man
2:51
is a good actor and he prioritizes his marriage, then
2:54
he'll make the woman think that this fair play things.
2:56
Amazing, right? Similarly, women, who here, who
3:01
are married to the guys that are in the men's group.
3:04
We understand that their role is to make the man think that the
3:08
stuff that he's doing is really great.
3:10
So what do I mean? I mean that I've talked about
3:12
this before and my podcast on why working out and acting.
3:16
Arrogant isn't getting you laid more.
3:17
So I work with a lot of women, whose husbands are preoccupied
3:21
attachment. And these guys are the ones who
3:24
go to the men's groups on the internet, and they try to find
3:27
out why their wife isn't having sex with them enough instead of
3:30
frequently going into therapy and saying why am I obsessed
3:33
with my And why did I pick somebody?
3:36
That doesn't want to have sex with me and really never did,
3:40
which is what? Really the goal is of therapy.
3:42
So if you come to the end and and listen, men's and women's
3:46
groups are very helpful, especially when you want people
3:49
to agree with you, which is what a support group is.
3:52
But if you want to think deeply about why you got into a deeply
3:57
frustrating situation, which as I discussed in my podcasts, you
4:00
can get laid one more time per week and it ain't going to
4:02
change much, well, you Can and it won't.
4:06
And when you come to that conclusion, you may want to go
4:08
deeper into why you constantly feel wracked with insecurity,
4:13
right? But anyway, so this is kind of
4:16
funny. So in my Facebook group and I
4:18
was like what do I think about the ideas in the men's groups
4:21
about inspiring anxiety in Your Wife by you know, taking her by
4:27
surprise and like working out all the time and kind of like
4:30
doing your own thing and kind of keeping her on edge.
4:34
So that She gets pretty much the ideas that she gets anxious
4:37
about you leaving her and she has more sex with you.
4:42
What the hell does that sound? Like, it sounds like a bunch of
4:44
game playing men are always saying women are game players
4:47
but what is this? If not game playing right
4:49
pretending and manipulating and handling so that you make your
4:53
wife anxious, only the most insecure, women are going to
4:59
respond to this, right? Because here I'll read you, this
5:03
is hilarious. So if you go back, To my
5:04
favorite plaything, I did some reading on it.
5:06
Here I want to this is just right for married, red pill,
5:09
which is a forum about about, you know, basically how to get
5:14
your wife to have more sex with you.
5:16
So wait, hold on. This is great.
5:19
Be mysterious when guys give the advice to just get out and go
5:24
somewhere alone. I think some people think it is
5:26
as complex Rubik's cube of advice.
5:28
This is a man, a husband writing who has apparently made his his
5:33
marriage wonderful with these things.
5:37
Men, do women talk, let the women, Ponder all the
5:41
ramifications. You can just do so, don't
5:43
overthink it like a woman. Do, what go?
5:45
Where do I tell her Etc. I will just leave and do
5:49
anything randomly, the kids. Go to bed or some other
5:52
opportunity when, you know you aren't needed.
5:54
She goes something that roughly follows this outline, man.
5:58
Hey babe, I'm heading out. I'll be back in like an hour.
6:02
Woman, where are you going? Hold on.
6:07
I got a scroll man out. Who knows?
6:15
I'll figure it out when I get there and he's giving more fun
6:19
examples, / to slay dragons / to pick up a hooker.
6:23
Etc, woman, hamster, hamster, hamster.
6:26
Now there's this conceit that women's Brains are like hamsters
6:29
on a wheel. I mean, the rampant misogyny and
6:31
the stuff is like As I'm English to shelve it, because there is
6:34
like misandry in the women's groups, right?
6:37
I mean saying, like all men are stupid or whatever.
6:39
So, just like, each gender hating, the other is an
6:42
unfortunate thing that we would just have to cancel out from,
6:45
like, both same-sex groups. But anyway, and then he
6:49
continues. It doesn't matter.
6:50
If you fucking drive to the closest parking lot and read a
6:53
book, or you go to the bar or you get a hotel room and call an
6:56
escort, you do whatever you need to do to ensure that you're
6:59
making time for you. It's Healthy and it allows your
7:03
wife time to miss you. Your wife needs to miss you and
7:06
more importantly you need to have an aspect to who you are as
7:08
a man. Capital M man, that she is not
7:11
involved in if she isn't involved and you aren't spewing
7:14
your life to her daily. Then there's an element to you
7:16
that she doesn't know and that is a good thing, mystery
7:19
Fosters, the growth of tingles now, listen.
7:23
Now, I mean, like, like lizard. Like it's so funny.
7:26
Right. So okay, so there's different
7:29
women. First of all of them.
7:32
That you're reading shit on the Internet and try to add
7:35
different. Women are not stupid.
7:37
They're not stupid. If you come home acting like
7:39
Fonzie, you know, like there they understand that you're
7:43
trying something new because this was always before it was
7:47
like years and years of preoccupied, attachment
7:50
Behavior. This isn't like James Bond from
7:52
the Inception. This is the guy following them
7:54
around, trying to grope their boobs.
7:56
And then who all of a sudden is like I'm going out, right?
7:59
So, so the woman know she has like, Two responses, right?
8:04
One response is that's absolutely ridiculous.
8:07
I don't not tell you where I'm going ever like.
8:10
Is this like a marriage or is this some shit that you read off
8:13
the internet right or else you could be like okay babe right.
8:17
And then she goes and group text her friends.
8:20
He's trying to do that mysterious dude.
8:22
Thing again I don't know what the fuck.
8:23
I don't know how long this one's going to last probably as long
8:25
as the keto phase lasted. You know.
8:28
So like don't convince yourself. It's the same as fair play, will
8:32
you? Any guys wear that their wife
8:34
brings home, fair play Chore cards or like, oh my God, I had
8:38
a real Epiphany babe, you know, you really do so much.
8:42
They're like, holy shit. She's so upset, like fuck, okay,
8:47
all right, oh yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I didn't realize how
8:50
long the Christmas cards took you to do.
8:52
Oh totally totally right. And it's the same shit and I
8:57
talked and the reason that I know this is true as I talk to
8:59
women and they say like I have to say Ax when he says why he
9:03
says I'm going to the gym. I have to say, oh you look
9:06
really hot. He says I'm planning a surprise
9:08
vacation I'm supposed to say oh yeah instead of I don't fucking
9:11
want to go on vacation because we don't have enough money to go
9:14
on vacation. So like they understand if they
9:16
want to stay married, they have to say certain things.
9:18
But I'll tell you, anybody that is trying to act like James Bond
9:22
in that sort of ridiculous. Caricature is not getting honest
9:26
and authentic relationship. They're just not the few few few
9:30
women that was in a long-term. Relationship are going to get
9:34
anxious, they'll get anxious if you never did it before and
9:36
you're literally like I'm going out and I won't tell you where
9:39
they'll assume that you're somehow cheating, you know, and
9:42
if you're supposed to want them to think you're cheating, that's
9:46
not honest relationship. That's not going to get you
9:48
anywhere in the long run because the secure Confident Woman will
9:53
say, fuck you. You're going out.
9:56
Not telling me we're at night. If you are cheating I'm getting
10:00
my Affairs in order. What the fuck?
10:02
Is going on. Like, I'll leave you first.
10:04
So, this is what a lot of guys don't realize is that.
10:07
If the wife is not preoccupied attachment, it's very low
10:11
likelihood that she is because the man is by definition of
10:14
reading this stuff. The man is a preoccupied
10:17
attachment one, that's obsessing about the relationship as I've
10:19
taught you. Preoccupied attachment goes
10:21
along with avoidant attachment the avoidant attachment woman.
10:25
If you're going out at night, she's happy she gets some time
10:27
alone. If she supposed to say that, she
10:30
misses you so much because otherwise you A little fit then
10:34
she will. She learn to say that just like
10:36
the fair play guy, learns to say oh yeah the cards mean a lot to
10:39
me, you know, but it's not real. So what you're getting is either
10:44
an inauthentic relationship with a woman who's handling you truly
10:48
because she knows she has to respond a certain way to your
10:50
James Bond, new demeanor, or a secure woman, who's, who's been
10:56
kind of fed up with the way that the marriage is going in,
10:58
general will just be like, fuck this.
11:00
What is what is this new persona?
11:02
Now that I'm supposed to respond to that shit is ridiculous, you
11:05
know? And I hear women like this all
11:07
the time that are like I have to act like I'm turned on by X Y
11:12
and Z because otherwise he gets his feelings, really hurt.
11:15
And so they learn that in this sort of situation, you know.
11:19
She would be supposed to be like, oh my God, like I missed
11:21
you so much when you were gone and in reality, she's probably
11:24
shopping online the whole time, he was gone.
11:26
So another one that was very funny to me, which was in the
11:29
same vein and this It's so funny because you would have to
11:34
picture saying this to your wife, if you and your wife or in
11:37
any sort of egalitarian relationship.
11:40
So, so here here goal-setting /leading, you are the family
11:46
Alpha, the leader of your clan. How are they supposed to
11:50
flourish? They meaning women, your wife
11:52
under your guidance. If you are unwilling to set
11:54
aside time to their development, my wife is a preschool teacher.
11:58
She's very organized and has a solid understanding of Early
12:01
Childhood Delta And what she lacks is, the ability to set
12:04
goals for herself and take actions toward those goals.
12:07
She says she wants to weigh a certain weight run a certain
12:09
time, achieve a certain life goal.
12:10
But I when I ask how she's making progress toward those
12:12
goals as aimless actions, redundancy without progress.
12:16
Ice at my wife down, would grab a notebook and wrote down our
12:18
short-term goals. One of hers is to write a
12:20
children's book, so we'll use that as an example.
12:22
I then had to create a rough timeline / map toward her
12:26
achieving that. Now, she's well, on her way.
12:29
Your wife needs you to help her stay on the street.
12:32
Arrow. If she stagnant, don't come here
12:35
saying my wife is unmotivated sedentary Etc, because that's
12:38
your fault for not motivating her and if she doesn't give a
12:41
shit and has no passion for life.
12:43
What value is she bringing to yours?
12:45
If there isn't an answer to that question, then why are you
12:47
keeping her around now, would any man want a woman to think
12:52
about them like that? No, I mean it's almost hard to
12:57
read, you know? I mean it's so ridiculous if I
13:00
said to my husband, I have a goal.
13:02
All for, for my business, for the upcoming year and he
13:06
sketched me out a rough outline. I mean like I can't even imagine
13:10
the conversation. I mean I've been successful
13:13
business person, right? So like unless you are dealing
13:17
in a situation where I don't even know what either.
13:21
This woman has the self-esteem of a piece of carpet or else
13:25
like she is she's handling him by being like Oh my god.
13:31
Wow, look at that. That is sound so smart.
13:35
You big, man. I mean, so, like, either way,
13:38
it's not good right either? She is tremendously low,
13:41
self-esteem. If you have a wife with
13:43
tremendously low self-esteem, I guess you could trick her into
13:47
fucking you Irene this kind of gets into like a real bad kind
13:52
of evil sort of space though, like to take a woman with real
13:57
low self-esteem and like make her think that you're going out
14:00
to get hookers and like talking I'm down to her like she's a
14:03
complete moron and blaming her like inability to achieve her
14:09
goals on you, for not lead. I mean, the whole thing is like
14:12
nutso, right? But like or, or you're making
14:16
yourself ridiculous, which is how it is, in a large percent of
14:19
the cases that I see where I speak to him and individually
14:22
and they're like, yes yes, he's doing this Alpha thing now you
14:25
know and when he does this Alpha thing I have to respond in this
14:28
way and this is, you know, then what I have to act like this.
14:32
This Stupid this shit like from the 50s like how women were
14:35
taught to behave for your unfortunately, teaching your
14:39
wife that there's only one way to behave, which is saying what
14:41
a big strong man you are. I'll tell you something, you
14:44
know, you know what women who are more confident start to do
14:47
when the guy acts like a caricature, they start to wish
14:51
for a more authentic real human to have a relationship with
14:57
that's when they start thinking what would it be like to have a
14:59
true partner. The guy in this sense isn't
15:02
being a A true partner either he's being like kind of a
15:04
two-dimensional like James Bond dangerous, Alpha type that he
15:10
isn't. He's just a person.
15:12
He's a person and she's a person, you know.
15:15
So the sort of women that would respond to dread or low
15:20
self-esteem women who you should not be inciting dread and
15:23
because that isn't kind would you want your wife to say I'm
15:28
going out. I don't know when I'll be back
15:30
and I won't tell you what where I'm Owing.
15:33
No. Would you want her to come into
15:35
your office and say, you know what you've gained like 10
15:39
pounds. So I like Drew up this handy
15:41
little map of like what you can eat and not eat.
15:44
And that's how we're going to get you back to fighting weight
15:46
friend know you would like, you would have to stop yourself from
15:51
like yelling at her, you know, it's super condescending.
15:55
So fair play was pretty condescending toward men.
15:58
This type of stuff about inspiring dread and leading your
16:02
a woman. All this shit is also real
16:04
condescending. There are some, of course, good.
16:07
You know, there's good parts of fair play and which is like, you
16:10
know, basically female Alpha porn, you know?
16:14
And this is male Alpha porn, weird porn.
16:17
You know, like the fair play. What is, you know what woman
16:20
show him what you're doing, you're doing so much more than
16:23
him around the house. You don't even know it if he
16:25
did, he would cower with his tail between his legs.
16:28
If you would know that he's not equal to U.
16:30
And this is somehow a way to get Better marriage, which of course
16:34
how like that's not. And this is the same exact
16:37
thing. This is like make your wife like
16:39
never know where you are, like tell her what to do act smarter
16:44
than her. No no no no no don't don't don't
16:49
do that, you know, I mean, don't do that because anything that
16:52
leads to lack of authenticity between partners is overall.
16:56
Going to make both Partners eventually yearn for somebody.
16:59
They can have an authentic connection with when I do See
17:02
men remarry, they do, they do not remarry.
17:06
Somebody who looks up to them that is not or happily
17:09
remarried. Sorry, cuz I see some people who
17:12
are then in an unhappy second marriage, but the men who are
17:15
happily remarried, that I see, marry somebody who they met at
17:19
work. Usually.
17:20
Or somebody who is in a similar industry as them, somebody else
17:25
who's kind of like a partner that they would never have to
17:27
draw out a map of how this person should like achieve a
17:31
work. Unless of course, they were both
17:34
doing that for each other, which was if that was done, I was
17:37
conveniently left out of that retelling on the internet and
17:41
that they would never want to like fake like not like go to a
17:46
parking lot. Like in read a book so that you
17:49
are pretending to your wife that you're interesting and
17:52
unexpected and mysterious like that shit is crazy.
17:56
So when you are my kid has this class digital literacy and it's
18:01
like examine the source, examine the source of shit that you
18:05
read, you know, whether it's a book that's published and
18:09
peer-reviewed like fair play or whether it's the internet and
18:12
think about whether this is the way you would want to be
18:15
treated. While I'm a big proponent of
18:17
men, and women have biological differences.
18:20
Everybody wants to be treated with love and respect and
18:23
honesty. If there's ever any advice that
18:25
you get that it says anything less than being honest, don't
18:29
listen to it like seriously and Because you would not want
18:33
somebody to lie in bullshit you so they don't line bullshit that
18:36
don't try to make yourself seem like something that you're not
18:40
because it is certain point. Look in a worst-case scenario,
18:43
like some sort of Twilight Zone thing.
18:45
These men are going to be trapped having to be fake
18:48
two-dimensional, James Bond creatures.
18:50
That's even worse, honestly. Like, if your wife like like
18:54
gets into it and this is the only way you could fuck her, is
18:57
by talking like this like fake Clint Eastwood.
19:00
I mean, that isn't you. You either you know I mean so
19:04
then how are you going to tell her that you have a fantasy of
19:07
like you being the submissive sometimes?
19:09
I mean that shit ain't gonna fly.
19:11
You know and many guys want to like not many most all men want
19:16
to like show the true like fullness of their character and
19:22
the weak parts and the strong parts and all of the parts to
19:27
their spouse, just as women do so don't ever like get Into
19:32
being one sort of thing and having to play act as certain
19:36
thing. In order to make your spouse
19:38
respond to you, because you and your spouse are both going to
19:41
get tired of it and in cases where you're bullshitting your
19:44
spouse they what you're basically teaching them to do is
19:48
that they have to bullshit back to you in a certain way because
19:52
it's never that they don't know. You're bullshitting.
19:54
They've been with you for like 15 20 years.
19:56
You think that all of a sudden they don't know like that you
19:59
don't have anything to do at night, you know?
20:02
I'm Like, like, like really, and if you actually did get a
20:05
hooker, which I'm just saying is, I'm just going to assume
20:09
that he's like, joking around somehow that getting the hooker.
20:12
But I mean, is this really ever what you would want your spouse
20:16
to think? Do you think that the sex you
20:18
would get after that? Would last it doesn't, I'll tell
20:21
you it's hysterical. Bonding it happens in the
20:23
aftermath of infidelity as you heard on my infidelity podcast.
20:26
So if somebody thinks a spouse is cheating, or finds out that a
20:29
spouse did cheat, there can be this historical bonding time.
20:32
There's a lot more sex but that doesn't last the last for maybe
20:35
a month and then the person is mad at you.
20:38
There's like, why did I fuck you so much when you were fucking
20:40
somebody else you fucking asshole?
20:42
That's pretty much how it goes almost word for word.
20:45
And, you know, they hate you and you don't want your wife or your
20:49
husband to hate you. That's why I say that, if you're
20:53
having trouble couples counseling frequently, can help
20:57
you come to a place where you respect each other love each
21:01
other and nobody He has to lie there.
21:03
If there is any lying, or if one gender is put on a pedestal, no
21:08
no, no good. If it's the female gender.
21:11
Oh, we're so good at everything. We're so efficient were so
21:13
effective in men, just have their head up their ass.
21:15
No, no, that's crazy. How could a whole gender be
21:19
better than another doesn't make sense.
21:22
And the same thing, if it's like, men are all alphas and
21:25
women are sweet little, you know, likely dabble submissives,
21:30
know they have y'all ever met Like like women you know there's
21:34
like a normal distribution of women now I think what happens
21:36
on some of these sites is that these like more dominant males.
21:41
Get paired with these more submissive females sometimes and
21:44
then some of their shit works because they are kind of play
21:47
acting but it's like a play-acting that they're both
21:49
into. But for like the average woman,
21:53
if a man is like, grabbing them in the middle, and another piece
21:56
of advice was to like grab her in the middle of wall.
21:59
She's doing dishes and make out with her.
22:02
Us for a couple seconds and leave her dripping wet.
22:04
Now, man has no idea. A female anatomy is like, you
22:07
know, I mean that shit doesn't happen within three seconds for
22:11
like a woman after the age of 25 or within monogamy.
22:16
Unless she's like, I don't know ovulating and or thinking about
22:20
somebody else but the point is that's not going to work for
22:23
every woman. The majority of women are going
22:25
to be like, don't touch me. I'm doing the dishes and find
22:28
it, very disrespectful like if you were having your yearly.
22:32
Valuation for your bonus with your boss.
22:35
And that's the one day that she decided to give you blow job
22:38
during the zoom call. You'd be like, stop, literally
22:41
like I we need to get this money.
22:43
What are you doing? Stop literally.
22:45
You know I mean additive if you're the one guy who wouldn't
22:48
you're either 24 years old listening to this in which case
22:51
thank you. You're expanding.
22:52
The people who listen to me or, you know, you're out of your
22:55
mind because that's how women feel when they're even just
22:58
doing the dishes. The average anxious exhausted
23:01
woman at night. That was another one.
23:03
Pick her up, while she's doing the dishes, pick her up or she's
23:06
doing the dishes. Jesus Christ, you know, no,
23:08
don't pick her up when she's doing the dishes, if she wants
23:11
you to pick her up when she's doing the dishes.
23:13
She would have ever told you that she was into that type of
23:16
shit. The average woman, she's doing
23:18
the dishes, you're going to get laid a lot better.
23:20
If you guess what do the dishes, that would help a lot more than
23:23
picking her up and carrying her away from the dishes, which with
23:26
your monogamous husband would make most women.
23:27
Be like, what are you doing? Stop, you know, not the time.
23:32
And that's high libido. Women would feel like that, you
23:34
know. But anyway, so I hope that you
23:36
got a lot out of this. In terms of never ever.
23:39
Listen to any advice of tells you to be anything less than
23:42
completely authentic with your spouse.
23:44
I've seen too many people that are just basically bullshitting
23:48
each other in some like terrible irony, where the man's trying to
23:53
bullshit, the woman showing up like an alpha, and she's trying
23:56
to bullshit him back that she believes him, and she's losing
23:58
respect for him by the minute. And he's honestly losing respect
24:01
for her by the Minute for even believing it because that's the
24:04
funniest part is that if you can outthink your wife that much,
24:07
eventually start fantasizing about a woman that you can't out
24:10
think. So, I hope that y'all got
24:12
something out of this. Even just food for thought and
24:14
I'll talk to you all soon.