Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Weaponized Confusion

Transcript

Weaponized Confusion · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about my new
• 0:10
  favorite term that I made up weaponized, confusion.
• 0:14
  And before we get to that, I am going to of course tell you to
• 0:17
  subscribe. I have the one on men who say
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  they only work for their wives. And if you are in this
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  situation, by the way, where you really literally only work in
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  your job, because your wife wants you to stop, stop doing
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  that. Like that's not the way to live
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  your life. I don't personally, see, a lot
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  of people who do that again. I work with real high-achieving.
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  People generally that are in careers that they've trained a
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  long time for and that they are generally passionate about,
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  although can upset them at times, you know, but if you are
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  in some shitty job because your wife says, that's the only job
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  she would allow you to be in. Get out of that quick.
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  You know, I mean what? Like don't do that?
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  That's terrible. Like, reach out to me or another
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  therapist and we can Help you understand why that is a bad
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  move for the rest of your life, you know?
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  But getting back to the topic at hand here, weaponized confusion.
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  So, this is a term that I made up when people are real passive
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  aggressive. This is a passive aggressive
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  style and they act like they don't understand what you're
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  saying. So here's like a good example.
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  So guy will be like, you know, listen so my podcasts, he
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  finally gets up his courage. He says to his wife, you know,
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  I've maybe not articulated this well before, but for me, sex is
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  really about love. And so And when we don't have
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  sex and I don't feel like I'm able to express love and to
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  receive it from you. That's really My love language.
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  Physical touch, and the fact that we haven't had sex in x
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  amount of weeks, it can be very difficult for me.
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  And it's really not just about the orgasm at all.
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  And maybe this is what you thought, but but it really is a
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  way that I express love. So then listen, if it's the
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  first time she may be like genuinely I don't understand.
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  Can you tell me more? But so let's say he tells him
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  more. So he tells her for like an
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  hour, you know, which is not unusual and then she's like, I
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  don't understand. So I don't understand what
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  you're telling me is that like sex like us having sex?
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  That's what makes you feel loved.
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  Oh, cuz like, I mean, I just like, I'm just like confused
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  because I just don't like, get that, like, I hear what you're
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  saying, but like, I don't really get that.
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  So what does that sound like? It sounds like the me.
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  Kids in middle school, right? Or high school where they're
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  like, wait, I don't understand. You thought that was cool to
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  wear. Like you thought that t-shirt?
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  Like, I don't know, I just don't understand like you like that
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  t-shirt. So you like that band, you like
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  that band. Wait, I don't get it.
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  So weaponize confusion is a way for somebody to shame you for
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  your beliefs when they actually do understand.
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  If they got a million dollars, the woman in that situation
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  would be able to explain what sex means to her husband for
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  probably like five bucks. Never remind a million and of
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  Not only women do this man can be super passive-aggressive as
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  well. So what woman that says, it
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  really bothers me when there's dishes in the sink overnight, it
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  really really bothers me. Clutter, I can't stand.
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  Clutter reminds me of my house, growing up was always a mess.
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  I really want us both to be focused on that, you know,
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  getting the dishes out of the sink, please.
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  And he's, like, I don't understand with.
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  So wait, like I work a whole day and the important thing is that
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  the dishes are well, you know, we don't sleep in the kitchen.
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  Like we're in our bedroom so we don't even see the dishes.
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  So like I don't really get it. I don't really understand what
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  you're saying about how the dishes would be important when
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  we're not looking at the dishes. Like, fuck you.
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  Yes, you do. Stop lying.
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  You know what you you again? If you got a million dollars for
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  describing it all of a sudden, you would be quite loquacious
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  about it, you know? Oh, well, clutter really bothers
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  her. It really reminds her of her
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  upbringing, right? For a million dollars, you could
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  say it, but you're not saying it now because you don't want to do
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  it. So, you're like, using this faux
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  confusion, this weaponized, confusion that then like the boy
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  who cried wolf when you actually do, have something that you're
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  confused about your partner is going to believe you, they're
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  going to be like, there they go. Being a dick again, you know,
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  pretending that they don't understand one, of course they
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  do. And so when you really do not
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  understand something, you know, they're not even going to
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  believe you. So then people have said, like,
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  what should you do? If you really still don't
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  understand? Well, there's a couple of things
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  you could do, you can use a different tone of.
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  Oh, In and warm curiosity, like, oh really.
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  So like tell me more about that because it's really not how I
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  operate. So it's hard for me to
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  understand. You can also say that you'll do
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  the thing and then ask the questions about it, which
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  already relaxes them because there's buy-in.
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  So, like, for example, the husband could be like, okay,
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  I'll get the dishes out of the sink, you know?
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  I understand it really upsets you, but like, just so that I
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  don't do anything else like this or just so we can kind of
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  understand why we don't keep getting along about this.
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  Can you explain it? To me again about the Clutter
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  that's like totally different. And that's stuff that we would
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  do in therapy, is trying to help each side, genuinely understand
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  and empathize with the other side, the opposite of this
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  weaponized, confusion, Mutual warm, and respectful
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  understanding. Now, why would people do this?
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  Well, why do they do anything? Because it's what they grew up
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  with. So, obviously, like, you know,
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  we learn from our surroundings as everybody believes about
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  their own kids, but minimizes and responds to themselves.
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  So if you go around acting like a In front of your kids, you're
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  not going to doubt that they're going to pick it up.
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  But then people are like, oh yeah, sure.
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  I know my parents are assholes and I act totally different.
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  Really. How, what was your competing
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  template? You know, it's extremely hard
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  not to pick up the stuff that you're brought up with.
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  So likely you had a parent who's very passive-aggressive was,
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  like I don't understand so you don't want to do your piano
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  lessons anymore because I don't really understand that because
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  piano I thought we understood the piano is really good for you
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  and so I just Don't understand. Fuck you.
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  Yeah, you understand, but but you're just pretending you
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  don't. So if you grew up with a lot of
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  passive aggression, in your family of origin, then this
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  communication style is going to be very natural for you.
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  Now, would you do if you are faced with this?
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  If every time you say something, your partner is like, doesn't
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  understand. Well, you can say at some point,
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  you don't really seem to understand me a lot.
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  So I really feel like we ought to go into counseling because I
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  obviously can't explain it. There's no I'm explaining it
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  that's working out. So what we really need to do is
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  to, you know, get us into an environment where maybe somebody
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  else could explain it. Of course, what people tend to
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  do, if they have lower self-esteem is to somehow think
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  that they are, that their whole vision of the world is wrong and
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  crazy, because they've allowed themselves to be shamed.
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  And that's not what you should do.
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  So when somebody tries to shame you into saying that you what
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  you think is invalid, then you got to stand up for yourself and
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  be like, no, I know that the dishes bother me, maybe they
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  bother me too much, you know, who knows?
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  But I am willing to go to therapy to talk about it because
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  obviously, we are not communicating well on this.
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  So be open-minded be like, you know, Perhaps Perhaps you don't
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  like my perspective because something about my perspective
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  is dysfunctional. That's possible.
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  I find it hard to believe that. You cannot understand what I'm
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  communicating but possibly, you can't in that case.
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  I might need somebody to explain it for me and Nicely.
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  Usually, the person that's passive aggressive.
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  Really does not want to go to counseling because they know
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  they're being a dick. And they know the therapist
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  probably going to call them out on it.
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  So all of a sudden, you know, the the light will open up into
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  Plato's Cave and all of a sudden, they're going to
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  understand you, what a miracle from heaven.
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  But if not, then good because you get to go to couples
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  counseling, which is probably going to help you develop more
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  effective and healthy communication Styles than just a
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  sniping at one another in a passive aggressive way that
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  involves a lot of lying. To both yourself into the other
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  person. So if you are like deadlocked
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  and the sort of communication impasse where you both, quote
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  don't understand. Each other also do a lot of
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  introspection into yourself. Do you really not understand the
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  things that you're telling your partner that you don't
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  understand? Or are you bullshitting because
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  you don't want to have to deal with them?
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  So, in the case of the sex thing when women are like I just don't
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  understand. So like you're seeing like oral
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  sex is like so exciting. So I don't get that.
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  Like, I just don't really get Because like for example, like
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  you know, you can masturbate to like if it was like I just don't
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  really get like you're not trying to get it, you know, like
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  you're not trying to get it, you just keep going back to your
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  thing which for women and the situation is frequently.
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  Just go jerk off, you know? And so like they're trying to
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  push their perspective and say that they don't understand the
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  other person's perspective in the subconscious hope this is
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  not intentional, Nobody Does this intentionally like a
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  psychopath, you know? But He's done unintentionally
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  because you're so uncomfortable with what the other person is
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  saying. That would be so much easier and
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  more convenient. If they were just incredibly
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  stupid like in that would like, that would be better for your
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  side. You know, if you were to somehow
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  just be able to prove that they were just wrong and stupid, then
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  that would be a lot easier. You wouldn't have to get outside
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  your comfort zone. So like, the the subconscious
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  fantasy of the people that are doing this, is that the other
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  person is like my God, you're right, I don't have a leg to
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  stand on. Like sex after all, you know,
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  which is like nuts. But you know that is the
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  subconscious fantasy. Is that the person just just
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  gives up because somehow you have proved to them that they
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  don't have a leg to stand on and this is done not because you
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  hate your partner or you just want them to suffer but because
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  you're so so rigid about what the way that you view the world
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  that you don't want to even think about your anxious.
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  And you don't want to even tolerate the idea that another
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  person could Think so differently than you, and that
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  it could be a close person to you.
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  That idea. So threatening and makes you
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  feel like, the whole relationship is under attack and
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  also that you may have to change your perspective, which for
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  anxious or rigid. People is like the worst to
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  think that they may have to change their perspective causes
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  like them to be filled with tension and anxiety because they
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  like to stay in their comfort zone.
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  They like to pick one way to view the world.
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  And so, so in this This would be the way of viewing.
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  The world is that sex is shallow and within an intimate
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  relationship, sex is not important and we must both agree
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  on this in order for the marriage to survive because
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  otherwise everything that I've ever been raised to believe is
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  under threat. And yeah, I mean, that, that's
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  not a very good trait to have within an intimate relationship
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  because it keeps you stuck in the super inflexible corner
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  where you cannot allow yourself to understand your partner's
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  perspective, because it competes With your own and that causes
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  you to feel so much anxiety. So usually the people doing this
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  and engaging in any sort of passive aggression, tend to be
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  anxious rigid people who cannot tolerate discomfort and cannot
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  tolerate being pushed out of their comfort zone.
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  So that's generally who engages in passive aggressive manners,
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  sometimes even aggressive manners.
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  Because like they get so pushed into a corner, they feel by the
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  other person, having a competing perspective that in and of
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  itself is so scary that they just lash out.
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  Out like a cornered animal and they'll just say anything they
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  have to, in order to get out of the situation.
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  You know, like a woman who say, well, then you're an animal.
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  And then I want to leave you because that's that, that can't
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  be right. That, that isn't love, you know,
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  or just something like that or a man.
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  Who's like, well, I can't live like this, you know, I can't
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  leave the get the dishes out of the sink.
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  God, damn it, too rigid. And like, always, ironically.
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  It's so funny because when people call the other person
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  rigid within a relationship, you Usually nine times out of ten.
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  They themselves are equally rigid like that's why there's
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  problems, right? Because one person wants things
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  one way. The other person wants things.
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  The other way, neither one of them will move if the guy wasn't
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  rigid. So the guys saying that the
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  woman's rigid frequently in that situation that she wants the
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  stuff out of the sink is he not to being rigid as well for
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  wanting to keep the stuff in the seek?
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  Obviously, I mean that's just logic, but it's so much easier
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  to call the other person region in to act, like you are way, is
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  the only way that makes sense and is flexible.
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  All who is being flexible, zero, people are being flexible there.
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  One person wants an in the dishes.
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  In this dishes in the sink. One person wants out of the
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  sink. Is this like this is like a math
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  problem. It's like negative 1 positive 1
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  you know, that's absolute value, still 11 of rigidity so it's
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  obviously something to introspect.
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  If you have thought of yourself is this flexible partner that is
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  hamstrung by the rigid partner. Why are you so upset?
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  Then you know, flexible one. Yeah.
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  Yeah. What's the matter like?
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  Why? Like, of course, sometimes
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  somebody really has ocpd. I've done a podcast about this
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  there, really incredibly anxious and you have tried to do
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  everything. Not only, you get the dishes out
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  of the sink, but you clean up the whole goddamn kitchen.
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  You do every other thing that they ask you do 99 things out of
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  100. And then finally, you're like,
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  no, this other ones a bridge too far.
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  Yes, then you got one rigid one and one that's more flexible,
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  but you still don't have a happy marriage.
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  So in that situation, know Matter.
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  If you think that, yeah, in your situation, you really are the
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  flexible one. Well, that, that winning that
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  prize has not helped us far. So, in these cases, it is very
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  beneficial to get into couples counseling where you can get an
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  objective perspective on who, in fact is being rigid and whether
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  really both of you can stand to be more flexible, which spoiler
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  alert is usually what the couple's counselor will come out
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  with, is that both people need to compromise and move toward
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  one another on the spectrum of whatever the individual issue
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  is. Sore in aggregate.
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  What the issues are. So this weaponize confusion if
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  you're doing it, the point is stop acknowledge it and you can
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  even apologize. Your partner and be like, you
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  know what? I do understand your
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  perspective, but it's so difficult for me.
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  It's so hard for me because it's so opposite than mine that I try
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  to pretend that I don't because I wish I wish that I could just
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  say that your perspective was wrong, you know, but it's not
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  fair to you and I guess we do have to confront it and tackle
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  it no matter how unhappy it makes me to do so.
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  Their way, no matter what your partner will appreciate you
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  coming forward in that way. And being like, look, I do
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  understand at least. I understand that as well as I
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  think I can being somebody that things differently and and or
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  you can say I genuinely don't understand it, you know, and I
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  want to look at it more and I want to understand you.
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  So there's this warm benign curiosity and open-mindedness to
• 14:54
  hearing a competing perspective. Is the opposite of weaponized
• 14:57
  confusion while still being confused.
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  You And still be confused of course, without weaponizing it
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  because I really don't understand.
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  Can you please explain it to me more?
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  You know like and then the person may come forward and
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  explain it in new ways that they feel open to be able to do
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  finally because they feel relaxed.
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  Like you're not up there as in trying to to break them down and
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  to judge them they can finally maybe articulate things in a new
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  way feeling like you're actually there and genuinely want to
• 15:23
  understand the here them versus that your want you.
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  You're waiting for another way to act like what they're saying
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  is she I'm full of stupid so that would enhance your
• 15:32
  communication. Obviously, for one person to
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  think that the other person is not out to get them.
• 15:37
  All right, so hopefully you benefited from hearing this and
• 15:40
  if not, I don't really understand why not?
• 15:43
  No, I'm just kidding. All right, I'll talk to
• 15:46
  everybody soon. Bye, bye.