Latest / Unlearning Beautiful / Ep. 31 What Grief Taught Me About Body Peace
Transcript
- Kristina Bruce: Lately I've been going through something that's brought up a lot of grief. I'm not gonna share all the details because it's still unfolding. But what I've been learning has changed the way that I think about grief, body image, and even healing itself. Because I realized something I'd never seen so clearly before. The hardest part of grief isn't the loss itself, but rather the stories our mind create about what that loss means. The beliefs that say this was the best part of my life or things will never be that good again, or this isn't how it was supposed to go. And the more I've sat with this, the more I've realized that this isn't just true when we're grieving people or life changes. It's exactly what happens when our bodies change. We aren't only grieving a body, we're grieving an identity, a future we imagined, an idea of how life was supposed to be. So today I want to share what grief has been teaching me. Not just about loss, but also attachment, healing, and why learning to trust your body might actually begin with learning how to let go. Welcome to Unlearning Beautiful, a podcast for women tired of trying to look good enough and ready to feel good from within. I'm your host, Christina Bruce, here to help you let go of the pressure to look right or do it all right, and reconnect with your inner guidance, your natural work. And what truly makes you feel fulfilled. Because the freedom you're craving was never in how you look. Within a very short period of time, a lot of things in my life are changing. And that has meant a lot of loss. And I can't help but see the relationship to how we relate to our bodies as well. Something that I heard Lee Harris say, he's ⁓ an energy intuitive. He was talking about how grief is really the way that we recycle energy in our body. And that felt really true to me. As I've been going through this grieving process. A lot of big emotion has been coming up through me. Waterfalls of tears, just uncontrollable waves of emotion. And I can see that being a very natural letting-go process, the way that my body is starting to detach from what has been, to be able to bring that energy back into and available for. what is to come and what will be. And when I saw it that way, I thought this is makes so much sense. When we are trying to control and manage our bodies, we override the natural signals of our bodies. We don't usually allow the natural processing to happen because we've learned we need to shut those signals off. We need to override what our body naturally wants to do or needs. In favor of what our mind says how it should be. So it really brought me through to the connection of how important making peace with your body is and moving out of the dieting and control mentality because it really opens us up to become more embodied and fully immersed in our life and in harmony and connection with that deeper wisdom that's within us. It knows what to do. And When we see that that's what's happening and we allow the process to happen, it just moves through more easily. And it usually shows up as crying, ⁓ you know, emotion moving, process change. And that can feel intense. I mean, sadness feels sad. That's its nature. We can't expect sadness to feel happy, but sadness in and of itself isn't suffering. We can feel sadness and not suffer through it. What I became acutely aware of during these intense episodes of grief is that the suffering I was experiencing in those moments was 100% about what the mind was making it mean and the stories that my mind was telling me. Things like, this shouldn't be happening, everything is ruined, it's never gonna be this good again. I was really starting to notice these stories and it's all mind-generated. When we're not in it, we can say, Well, that's silly. This can't be the end of you ever feeling happiness again. But when you're in the middle of it, it's really good at convincing us of that. It was making it so much worse because it wasn't allowing me to just move. Without the story, I'm like, okay, life is moving me now to the next chapter. And I don't know what that's going to be, but I do believe that this is for the best. I just Can't see it yet. And so without the story, it became much easier to just be present and be okay and then focus on what it was that was being asked of me that needed to be done in the moment. And when we think about our body changing, particularly when we're making an active choice to say, I don't want to be. continuing to manage and control my body size, or I'm gonna let go of keep trying to live up to these expectations of how my my body should be, fear comes up because we're often grieving this idea of who we thought we would be, because we know that We hold this goal of having this ideal body, or when I lose X pounds, or when I look this way, my life is going to be like this. And we know that we might have moments of it. Is it people complimenting you? Is it feeling really alive and vibrant of your in your body? Those things can happen, but they're often accompanied with its own kind of stress and suffering too, when you need to keep everything that way. We don't often have the experience of just noticing and being present. in our body as it is. I loved this when I was in a small group coaching session the other day and I was working with one of the members of the group. She really saw this. She was explaining to me and said, wow, I really had this moment of where I could see that there was this idea of me, this created self of who I am and my life and what I think I am. And then there was like a me kind of in the background watching this other me. It's like there's two people. And yet there is another me, there is a second you that can watch that. And so when I'm working with my clients, and it's my path of what I work with with myself is to cultivate the awareness of that second you. It's this other part that says, ⁓ I'm watching the story that my mind is making this mean. So When I would pop out of the stories that was creating so much fear and suffering in my mind, which made the grieving so much worse, I could see, ⁓ yeah, like look at the story my mind is telling me about how terrible this is going to be. ⁓ I can just be watching that and see that actually I'm okay right now, that I can't know what's going to happen. There is no way I know what the future is going to be. The mind can guess and sometimes it's right, but it's only ever a guess. And so when I stepped back and was able to just be present and watching, that's where I was able to feel more grounded, to feel more peace. And then it just became okay, well, what's the next action that I need to take right now? That's the same way that we can be with our bodies. This is what I talk about when it comes to caring for your body and health, because the mind says, well, in order to care for myself and be healthy. I need to eat this certain way. I need to exercise this way. I need to weigh this certain amount in order for me to feel okay about myself. I need to look this certain way. And it has all these rules and regulations and we keep spinning in that. When we don't realize that there's a second me here, that that's actually just thoughts and stories, then we will keep wrapped in it. We will keep suffering. It will prolong the grieving period when we just come and be present, be like, hey, the nature of life has changed. What did I think was going to happen? And we have this idea that I need to be feeling good all the time. Like nothing bad's supposed to happen. The whole goal here is to always be feeling good. But what I find makes me feel good and brings more peace is realizing that I'm not always supposed to be feeling good. Like to the human mind and self, I'm gonna experience these different emotions, especially in change. I'm gonna experience grief. Grief doesn't really feel good to me. But if I realize that I'm supposed to be feeling that because that's happening. And that's a part of life. Well, then I'm okay with that. When I can detach from that and see that there is a place I can sit in my awareness where I can witness that story happening, then that's where I'm kind of found my center. But there is what we would call witness consciousness. So if you've ever done meditation, they call it witness consciousness. It's you are here and you're aware. And then your mind creates a whole identity and story about you. And so our culture really trains us into living exclusively in the mind. And diet culture and how we're taught to be and live in our bodies is really good at that. And in fact, that's almost exclusively the information we're getting on how to care for our bodies comes from the mind. I need to eat the right foods or else. I need to work out this way. I need this number, like it's very calculated. And it doesn't leave very much room for allowing life. And it certainly doesn't leave any room for listening to your own wisdom. So that second you that observes you has access to a deeper intelligence, a deeper wisdom. But that wisdom only comes in the present. It does not come in the future, the past, and it does not come from your mind. The mind is also recycled information. It's stuff you already know when we have a break from that mind, when we actually are able to be still for a moment, when we're not thinking. Ideas will often come to you, fresh ideas, when you're not thinking about them. They just pop up. Well, where does that come from? It's not actually coming from your mind. It's coming from what is often referred to as the deeper intelligence of life. It's the intelligence that grows an acorn into an oak tree. I mean, how the heck does that happen? It's a freaking miracle and it's super intelligent. Well, that intelligence is part of us too, and we've been taught out of Connecting to it. And so the more that we are identified with the idea of who we should be, what's right and wrong or good or bad, especially about our bodies and ourselves, then we're not able to go with the flow of life and listen to that deeper intelligence as easily. Body peace and healing body image really is about coming back into trusting that your body is wise, that it knows what to do. What we really need to do is work with the mind. To actually start to see that we have a whole host of stories in here that's going on that's creating the suffering for ourselves. Because when we're experiencing loss, like a change in the body, our mind will often tell us that this is bad. But a parable that I often share with my own coaching clients, and I had to remind myself of it when I was going through the most intense feelings of grief was the Chinese farmer. story. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. There was this Chinese farmer and their horse ran away. And the neighbors are saying, ⁓ that's so terrible that your horse ran away. And the farmer says, maybe. And then a few days later the horse comes back, but with two other horses. And the neighbors come over and say, ⁓ what great fortune. Now you have three horses. And the farmer says, maybe. And then later his son was training one of the wild horses and got bucked off and broke his leg. And the neighbors come over and said, ⁓ my gosh, that's terrible. And the farmer said, Maybe. And then a week later, the army comes by and they don't take his son to war because he has a broken leg. And the neighbors say, What great fortune. ⁓ my and the farmer said, Maybe. And so it just reminded me of how as life changes, as our body changes, the mind will tell us all these stories about what's good or bad or right or wrong. But can we really know, especially when it's trying to predict a future? The thing that this sudden change and grieving period has brought up for me was the importance of presence and the importance of just really seeing what is here and now. And there's so much that's good here and now. And without the story that my mind makes about what does all this mean, I'm totally okay. Where when I was caught in the story of the loss and how sad this was. I couldn't see any of that. But I just realized that that grieving process was natural. I didn't need to make it wrong. I didn't need to fight it. I didn't need to avoid it. I could just let it come out, experience the letting go of the old so that I can start to make space and be open for the new. And the same can be said for your body. When we let go of the attachment to the story that our mind had about our body looking a certain way or how it how it operates, grieve that and then be proud. present and be open to, well, what now becomes available? What possibilities exist now in this new state? And what good can we find in the here and now? And in this present moment, what's the best action or inaction that we can take to care for ourselves? And that's what I love about making peace with your body. It goes so beyond just not dieting anymore and not stressing about what you're eating and hating yourself in photos. Those are all amazing. But it really opens us up to coming back into harmony with ourselves and with life. If this episode resonated with you today, and if you've realized that you've been caring a lot of stories about your body or your life or noticing that more suffering is there instead of peace, I have a free resource called The Guide to Body Peace. It's got simple practices in there that help you reconnect with your body and begin trusting yourself again. You can download that for free at the link below. Thanks so much for listening today and look forward to seeing you in the next episode. Thanks for listening to Unlearning Beautiful. If this episode resonated with you, follow the show and share it with another woman who's ready to see beauty and herself in a new way. And if you feel moved, leave a rating and review. It will help the show reach more women who need to hear it. Remember, you're already everything you've been trying to become: enough, worthy, and free. I'm Christina Bruce. Until next time.