Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Your Partner Will Change Over Time, Sexually and Overall

Transcript

Your Partner Will Change Over Time, Sexually and Overall · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today I'm going to be expanding more on the idea
• 0:12
  about what if a partner did something with a previous
• 0:15
  partner that she didn't do with you.
• 0:17
  And a lot of guys think that this is like the worst thing is
• 0:23
  if a woman did something in bed with another man that she didn't
• 0:26
  do with you and that this means she thinks you're less of a man
• 0:29
  or less attractive or like a lot of shit that it doesn't really
• 0:32
  mean. So I wanted to Clear that up.
• 0:36
  I also want to tell you to subscribe but instead of
• 0:39
  subscribing today and only today you can follow me on Tick-Tock
• 0:43
  instead but also please subscribe because I'm trying to
• 0:47
  grow my Tick Tock there. So if you want to get in on the
• 0:50
  ground floor of something that's going to be huge or really just
• 0:55
  moderately small, then you could just start following me on Tick
• 0:59
  Tock now okay, so let us get to the topic at hand so it My
• 1:05
  Facebook group which you should be in, if you care about
• 1:07
  psychology and related topics and all the stuff I talked about
• 1:11
  and want more engagement and interaction with me then, um,
• 1:16
  you know, you should join. But we were talking about the
• 1:18
  whole idea of a few find out that your wife, you know, did
• 1:23
  something with somebody else that she no longer likes to do,
• 1:26
  and let's say blow job, right? So she used to give blowjobs to
• 1:30
  her ex 20 years ago every day and now she doesn't like blow
• 1:34
  jobs. Because she doesn't like blow
• 1:37
  jobs anymore. She's like 45 and she just kind
• 1:40
  of really doesn't like them. She'll do him sometimes but she
• 1:42
  certainly is going to be doing it every day.
• 1:44
  And guys might think, oh, and this is not the situation where
• 1:48
  she's lied where she was like, oh no, I never did gave a
• 1:50
  blowjob and then I don't know what you were.
• 1:53
  Like stalking her ex on Facebook and you saw that he wrote a
• 1:56
  sonnet to her blow jobs and you found out that she had been
• 2:01
  lying to you. I mean, I'm not talking about
• 2:03
  the situation. I'm talking about the Creation,
• 2:05
  which you're talking openly and honestly about the things that
• 2:07
  you like and she says something like, you know, yeah.
• 2:11
  Like I used to do that more. I, you know, you still have a
• 2:14
  lot of different, have a sex drive, to be honest.
• 2:17
  And now I don't do it that much. It's kind of one of those things
• 2:21
  and so of course, you're well within your rights to just up
• 2:26
  and leave most men aren't going to do that because contrary to
• 2:29
  popular belief guys, don't just think with their dicks.
• 2:32
  They you might actually like the person, you know and An actual
• 2:35
  connection with the person who after all is not telling you to
• 2:39
  be celibate, but is rather saying that she has changed and
• 2:42
  no longer has the same preferences that she did when
• 2:45
  she was 20. Like she doesn't have any other
• 2:48
  preferences that she had when she was 20.
• 2:49
  Probably like, literally no, not foreclosed, not for music, not
• 2:53
  for TV, not for what she does on the weekends and not for this
• 2:57
  either. So, most guys will still work on
• 3:01
  it, but some guys will or not even work on it.
• 3:05
  Most guys will just be like okay, and, you know, think that
• 3:09
  well if there's not most got so securely, attached guys will
• 3:12
  probably be like okay cost-benefit analysis here.
• 3:16
  I think I could love this person.
• 3:17
  We're in a new relationship and she just doesn't like doing one
• 3:20
  thing that I like, how the hell am I ever going to find somebody
• 3:23
  that likes to do everything that I like?
• 3:24
  I'm not, because that's not reality.
• 3:27
  So I'm just going to see what happens with this, you know, but
• 3:31
  guys who are have previous bad. Relationships or who developed
• 3:37
  an insecure attachment style to a caregiver will frequently then
• 3:41
  become obsessed with this and B and say that this is because all
• 3:45
  women are the same in your never thought of as the one who women,
• 3:49
  find sexy, and women will do all sorts of things with other
• 3:51
  people that they don't do with you.
• 3:53
  And it's all about you, and it's all about you, and it's all
• 3:55
  about you and then you'll ruin the relationship.
• 3:57
  So how do you not be this person?
• 3:59
  And so it's interesting because there was the analogy made that.
• 4:03
  Like what if a man said Odd that he used to like write all these
• 4:06
  love poems to women like to his high school girlfriend, but like
• 4:10
  now he just doesn't feel like doing that anymore and that was
• 4:14
  like, such a great analogy to it's like oh, that like happens.
• 4:18
  Like that's that's called life. Like when guys are like 16 or 17
• 4:22
  years old, they do a lot of crazy ass romantic shit because
• 4:26
  their hormones are going nuts and they even get women like you
• 4:30
  like names, tattooed on them and like all sorts of stuff because
• 4:35
  We are have different hormones. There was another example.
• 4:38
  Like what if he's to take off early from work all the time and
• 4:42
  and hang out with his ex-girlfriend but he didn't do
• 4:44
  that with you. Well, I mean, you know the guys
• 4:48
  probably like a fucking partner at a law firm now and then he
• 4:51
  was working at Wendy's. So like you know, taken off the
• 4:54
  afternoon, wasn't such a big fucking deal because he was
• 4:57
  making minimum wage and now people are going to be blowing
• 5:00
  up his phone. He's supporting your whole
• 5:02
  family, it's like not the same thing.
• 5:05
  So it's a real as a really good analogy because like the idea
• 5:08
  was not the way that I'm saying it, but the idea was that a
• 5:11
  woman would be within her rights to say.
• 5:13
  Well, if you used to write love poems, when you were 16 to your
• 5:16
  girlfriend and then, when you are in your 20s working at
• 5:18
  Wendy's and trying to find yourself before law school, you
• 5:21
  took off, you know, weeks at a time to just you know shoot the
• 5:24
  shit lay around and smoke weed and fuck with your girlfriend of
• 5:27
  the time then y'all to do that. Now when you're fucking 50 years
• 5:30
  old and you have like probably like a home, a bonus home, I
• 5:34
  heard that term. simply and like a fucking College to pay for no,
• 5:39
  you're not going to be taken off two weeks ago, on a bender with
• 5:43
  you or with anybody and most women would not make with maybe
• 5:47
  some women, some more preoccupied attachment women
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  would then say, that's because I'm the woman who never gets
• 5:53
  treated romantically and this just is just how it's always
• 5:56
  going to go for me and my life and the sucks, but many women
• 5:59
  would be like oh well that's because like that was then and
• 6:02
  this is now so that's like a really Lee good kind of Mantra
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  if you're somebody who struggles with what a partner was like
• 6:09
  before you. And if you're somebody who
• 6:11
  struggles with fear of what a partner is going to change into
• 6:15
  overtime because let me tell you, everybody gets older.
• 6:19
  And there are very visceral physical changes that can happen
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  physiological. Hormonal biological changes that
• 6:27
  happen to women sexually and physically and two men as well.
• 6:32
  So it's like so let's say this Situation, let's say like a guy,
• 6:38
  he doesn't get as hard anymore and he's really not that into
• 6:42
  sex anymore. But he says, for the sake of his
• 6:45
  wife, he will go get a Viagra prescription and I was like,
• 6:48
  seven years old as if I Agra prescription.
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  The the doctor says, you know, he might get heart attack and
• 6:53
  die. If you use this too much.
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  And so he says to his wife, you know, we could do this like once
• 6:58
  a week. I'm kind of anxious about doing
• 6:59
  it more than that. So they said, I could die and
• 7:01
  the woman's like fuck you when you were 45.
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  And we first met second marriage.
• 7:08
  Let's just say we used to fuck all the time like rabbits.
• 7:13
  And so now I expect you to be taking Viagra eight times a
• 7:16
  week, like what the fuck man? Look, he's trying, you know,
• 7:20
  like whatever and like meet him where he's at being.
• 7:24
  So inflexible is not what's going to help you.
• 7:28
  Have a good marriage. It's going to destroy your
• 7:31
  marriage. So similarly if a woman is like,
• 7:34
  you know, I used to I feel a lot different about sex when I had
• 7:38
  estrogen in my system, you know, and testosterone and
• 7:42
  progesterone and much different amounts than I do.
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  Now at age, let's say 55 3 years post, the average age of
• 7:48
  menopause added this point kind of things, smell different,
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  tastes different feel different. I don't have the same quality of
• 7:55
  desire and frequently. It's not just an absence of
• 7:59
  Desire. Like that's like what people
• 8:01
  forget. It's just an absence of Desire,
• 8:02
  it's discussed because As I frequently make my favorite
• 8:06
  analogy here is like okay so you're a guys you really want to
• 8:09
  blow job, right? Your straight guy.
• 8:10
  Let's say you really want to blow job but do you want a
• 8:13
  blowjob from a dude? Probably not but it doesn't
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  matter how horny you are because because it's not your sexual
• 8:19
  orientation that turns you off. It doesn't just like Snot, just
• 8:22
  like a neutral, it's just like, yeah, I really want one from a
• 8:25
  woman, but look at dudes. Okay, it's like it turns you off
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  because that's not your orientation.
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  So it feels the same for a woman who no longer has the same.
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  Those of hormones. Whether it's because she's
• 8:37
  nursing or she's perimenopausal, or she's menopausal or she's ill
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  or she's depressed, or she's on antidepressants or what have
• 8:44
  you, it's an actual turn off. So, in this situation, like if
• 8:48
  somebody's actively turned off by sex and responsive desire,
• 8:53
  doesn't really work the same way anymore.
• 8:56
  And of course, you could refer back to my responsive desire
• 8:58
  podcast, then it's like asking somebody to do something like
• 9:02
  this guy popping like a Viagra week that might Might kill him,
• 9:06
  you know like it's like asking somebody to make their life into
• 9:10
  a torture by consistently continually doing shit that they
• 9:15
  hate to do. And at that point, like one
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  might think, is there not anything Deeper Than Sex?
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  To a relationship of course. There should be.
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  Of course, there needs to be flexibility and Grace.
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  It would be as silly as a woman saying, to a man, you never
• 9:32
  allowed to retire. Don't matter how tired.
• 9:35
  You are doesn't matter how old you get, you're never allowed to
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  retire because when I married you you were working 60 hours a
• 9:41
  week. Well, shit, girl time.
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  Waits for no, man, he's not gonna be working 60 hours a week
• 9:45
  forever. Your asses are gonna be on
• 9:47
  Social Security soon. So, I mean, if you love somebody
• 9:51
  wouldn't matter which like if he has to retire, if he feels that
• 9:55
  he physically, physically and mentally is done with working,
• 9:59
  then he's going to retire, you know, and and that needs to be
• 10:03
  something that a lot. Loving wife would accept just as
• 10:07
  a loving husband would accept a deterioration of sexual drive
• 10:11
  over time. And so, if you are fixated on
• 10:16
  what somebody did with somebody, when they were 20, when now
• 10:18
  you're 40, or when they were 30, when now you're 45 or like,
• 10:22
  whatever the case may be, unless they literally tell you last
• 10:27
  week, I went down on this dude before our first date but at
• 10:30
  this very moment I realized I never want to do that again.
• 10:33
  Well, that's a manipulative person.
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  And you know, I mean that person, you know, did do it,
• 10:38
  they liked it apparently less. They say that I was forced and I
• 10:41
  never want to do it again. That's understandable.
• 10:43
  But yeah, I mean totally but when you're talking about things
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  that people did years ago before childbirth before major changes
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  in their vagina, in their body and their hormones.
• 10:58
  When you talk about anything that is pre kids post kids
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  premenopausal post-menopause preparing Menopause.
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  Which goes on for 10 years before menopause and post
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  perimenopause whatever the case. Maybe they're just a different
• 11:12
  person. It's just like, expecting the
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  guy who to be as romantic as he was in high school.
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  He can't be. He doesn't think of little poems
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  involving the woman's name and he doesn't think about how she
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  reminds him of a rock song that he's going to write because it's
• 11:27
  not the same High School guy anymore.
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  So it and it isn't fair to expect him to act like that.
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  Because he's not that and if you are the guy who remembers crazy
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  stupid romantic shit that you used to do when you're a high
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  schooler or a college student, and you just don't even
• 11:44
  recognize that boy anymore. Like, that's like a kid that
• 11:47
  reminds you of your son, you know, then you would see how
• 11:50
  unfair it would be to act ask a woman to act like she did years
• 11:54
  ago when the girl that she was years ago.
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  Even if it's just a few years ago like pre kids years ago,
• 12:01
  feels like a totally different person that she doesn't really
• 12:04
  have that much in common. And with, and that she has not
• 12:07
  g, you know, she doesn't really miss that person except that you
• 12:11
  would have liked that person which kind of makes her sad
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  because she's not that person. So, just like would make the guy
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  sad to think that his wife would have preferred, you know,
• 12:20
  college sophomore him over him. And now that would make them
• 12:23
  sad. You want to think that your
• 12:25
  loved one wants to be with you? You the real you that is now.
• 12:29
  So hopefully this gave you guys some different things to think
• 12:32
  about is just a little brief. Expands on a current one, a
• 12:37
  current podcast, so please do follow me.
• 12:39
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• 12:44
  media accounts on every fucking platform possible.
• 12:47
  I think, I mean, maybe there's some new ones now, and hope you
• 12:51
  have a great day. Talk to you all soon.