Latest / Questionable Detour / Santa is flying a B-52 bomber, making a grown man your baby, and giving crab facts to women.

Transcript

Santa is flying a B-52 bomber, making a grown man your baby, and giving crab facts to women. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:24
  Do you normally not wear pants to these things?
• 0:27
  You haven't noticed?
• 0:28
  I haven't noticed, I don't look down.
• 0:30
  Every podcast, I'm in my own home, I don't feel compelled to wear pants.
• 0:34
  You do realize we're coming into your home though, so I feel like you should put on pants.
• 0:39
  I don't think that it's really on me to put on pants just because you want to come into my house.
• 0:45
  The responsibility is not on you, nor are the pants.
• 0:48
  Exactly.
• 0:48
  Do I need to take off my pants?
• 0:50
  I think it's only respectful.
• 0:51
  So you don't really, you take hospitality to like a whole other level then.
• 0:56
  Most people are just like, can I get you a drink?
• 0:58
  They're like, can I take your pants off?
• 1:00
  Yeah, I try to.
• 1:01
  Yeah, I try to be as cordial with you.
• 1:02
  Hello, I am Ukrainian Santa.
• 1:04
  Jesus Christ, what?
• 1:06
  How long have you been in here?
• 1:07
  Where is Alan?
• 1:08
  He also doesn't have pants on.
• 1:11
  I missed the memo with the whole pants thing.
• 1:13
  For the people that don't know, this is Ukrainian Santa.
• 1:15
  Hello, I am Ukrainian Santa.
• 1:17
  Yeah, he says his name a lot, that's just kind of his catchphrase.
• 1:20
  Alan's not here yet, he's running late and the Ukrainian Santa is here.
• 1:25
  And if you don't know who the Ukrainian Santa was,
• 1:26
  we played a clip of him on a previous episode during the QDNPR
• 1:30
  where he spoke about reindeer fighting for Russia to take over his country.
• 1:35
  I guess welcome, Ukrainian Santa.
• 1:37
  You've come a long way, it looks like.
• 1:39
  Thank you for having me, gentlemen.
• 1:40
  Yes, it is true, Alan has called me and he said to me,
• 1:44
  come to podcast and and riff for a bit until I get there.
• 1:49
  How do you know Alan?
• 1:50
  We play online games together.
• 1:53
  What kind of games?
• 1:54
  Yeah, what kind of games do you all play?
• 1:55
  We play, we play Farmville together.
• 1:58
  Farmville? You mean the game 10 years ago on Facebook?
• 2:01
  We still keep it up.
• 2:03
  You poke each other?
• 2:04
  We poke each other, yes.
• 2:05
  Send pokes back and forth, yeah.
• 2:06
  That's how I let him know it's his move.
• 2:10
  How long have you and Alan been doing this?
• 2:12
  It has probably been, I don't know, maybe eight to 10 years.
• 2:17
  It's a day in the life of Ukrainian Santa.
• 2:19
  Yeah, that's a good question. What's it like over in Ukraine?
• 2:22
  The morning starts at 3 a.m.
• 2:26
  We go to work in factory.
• 2:28
  That is where we make all toys for children.
• 2:30
  What toys do you normally give out to children?
• 2:32
  We make them rocks.
• 2:35
  You make rocks?
• 2:36
  We make them rocks.
• 2:37
  We make them pipe fittings.
• 2:41
  And we give them candy.
• 2:43
  Oh, OK, that's actually kind of nice.
• 2:44
  Kids love candy. What kind of candy?
• 2:46
  We just give them rock with sugar.
• 2:48
  That's it.
• 2:49
  They just lick it like a salt lick.
• 2:50
  They lick rock, yes.
• 2:53
  And they enjoy this?
• 2:54
  They have nothing else to enjoy in Ukraine.
• 2:57
  It's better than the Gulag, I guess.
• 2:59
  It is either that or they fight in war.
• 3:02
  I feel like they had to fight in war anyway.
• 3:04
  Well, you win some, you lose some.
• 3:07
  So you wake up at 3 a.m.
• 3:09
  Do you wake up to a normal alarm clock?
• 3:11
  Is it like an internal clock situation?
• 3:13
  How does the Ukrainian Santa normally wake up?
• 3:15
  We wake up to village caller.
• 3:17
  He calls out in the morning at 3 a.m. and says, wake time to work.
• 3:23
  Says these conveyor belts are not going to power themselves
• 3:26
  and also all of the other things.
• 3:29
  Wait, how do the conveyor belts power then?
• 3:31
  We ride on the bicycles to power the conveyor belts.
• 3:35
  We do not use motors or anything.
• 3:38
  So how did you get the job as Ukrainian Santa?
• 3:41
  Because it does seem like from your own accounts,
• 3:43
  it seems like most people work in a factory.
• 3:46
  They have a very blue collar job, if that makes sense.
• 3:49
  How did you get the job of Ukrainian Santa?
• 3:51
  I get job for Ukrainian Santa from my grandfather.
• 3:56
  He gave me job when he died.
• 3:58
  How did your grandfather die?
• 3:59
  He was impaled on spikes.
• 4:03
  Like accidentally or like an execution type thing?
• 4:06
  As punishment, as punishment.
• 4:07
  What did he do?
• 4:09
  He woke up late and when you wake up late in Ukraine,
• 4:12
  that is the last time that you wake up.
• 4:17
  Man, Ukraine sounds like a holiday.
• 4:19
  It sounds like a vacation.
• 4:21
  You enjoy it over there.
• 4:22
  Love Ukraine.
• 4:23
  Very nice place.
• 4:24
  What do you think of the United States?
• 4:25
  Too much sunshine and happiness.
• 4:28
  Too many smiles, right?
• 4:29
  When the children play, they look to enjoy it.
• 4:32
  And I don't like that.
• 4:35
  If you could bring one thing from Ukraine over to America
• 4:38
  and instill that here, what would that be?
• 4:39
  A work ethic.
• 4:40
  What do you think about Alan?
• 4:43
  Like, does he have a work ethic?
• 4:44
  Does he get up early enough for you?
• 4:46
  Like you seem to be friends with him,
• 4:47
  so you must have some general respect for him.
• 4:50
  He does not get up as early as I would like.
• 4:53
  When I get on the Farmville on the Facebook.com,
• 4:56
  I see that he is not usually on till about, I don't know,
• 5:00
  maybe like 6.30, 6.45.
• 5:03
  Alan's getting up at 6.30 in the morning playing Farmville.
• 5:06
  That seems like Alan.
• 5:10
  I know to the Ukrainian Santa that might be late,
• 5:13
  but over here, Ukrainian Santa,
• 5:14
  that is an insane thing to do at 6.30 in the morning.
• 5:16
  How long does Alan stay on Farmville after his 6.30 start time?
• 5:20
  He stays logged in for rest of day.
• 5:23
  The first thing he does when he wakes up,
• 5:25
  gets his power button on his coffee pot.
• 5:27
  Yeah.
• 5:27
  Then he hits the power button on his PC.
• 5:29
  He says, let me boot up that Farmville.
• 5:31
  The sun isn't up yet, but.
• 5:32
  But Farmville is.
• 5:33
  Farmville is always up.
• 5:35
  And the Ukrainian Santa has just been on there for three hours.
• 5:38
  I've been turning away Farmville things for like three hours.
• 5:42
  So you like Farmville because you don't get enough
• 5:44
  physical labor in your real world.
• 5:46
  You also need to get virtual physical labor.
• 5:48
  In Ukraine, we are trained that physical labor is fun.
• 5:53
  You have too much fun in your regular job,
• 5:55
  so you have to come and toil on Farmville.
• 5:57
  That is correct.
• 5:58
  You know, here in the United States, the American Santa, I guess,
• 6:01
  gets around with a reindeer, like you've said you do,
• 6:04
  and a sled.
• 6:05
  What do you get around in as Ukrainian Santa?
• 6:09
  Ukrainian Santa uses old B-52 bomber.
• 6:14
  How many reindeers does it take to move that big?
• 6:16
  None at all.
• 6:18
  Ukrainian Santa is also an amateur pilot.
• 6:21
  OK, it's a working, it's a working.
• 6:23
  It is a working plane.
• 6:26
  Takes one reindeer named Diesel.
• 6:30
  And when it's, you know, December 25th,
• 6:33
  I assume Christmas is the same day here,
• 6:35
  you're just flying over your villages and just dropping
• 6:39
  assortments of gifts from the B-52 bomber.
• 6:42
  The children love the rocks.
• 6:43
  We drop the rocks from the plane.
• 6:46
  So these rocks are going terminal velocity.
• 6:49
  Not a lot of windows.
• 6:51
  Not a lot of windows in Ukraine.
• 6:53
  Ukrainian Santa does not follow up after gifts are given.
• 6:57
  Maybe Russia didn't start the war.
• 6:59
  Maybe it was Ukrainian Santa.
• 7:01
  They just mistook it for rocks flying through their roofs for.
• 7:05
  I will not stand for these allegations.
• 7:09
  It's calm down, Evan.
• 7:10
  There's a little war here.
• 7:12
  I'm just planting the seed in everybody's mind, you know?
• 7:15
  Ukrainian Santa is victim.
• 7:16
  Great.
• 7:17
  As a victim mentality.
• 7:19
  Let me just play this victim card that I brought right here.
• 7:22
  I'm going to put it on the table.
• 7:23
  You don't have any pants on.
• 7:24
  Where'd you pull that from?
• 7:25
  Wouldn't you like to know?
• 7:27
  Ukrainian pocket.
• 7:28
  What are your feelings on normal Santa?
• 7:32
  You have a good relationship?
• 7:33
  Do you know each other at all?
• 7:34
  Do you all go to Santa conventions?
• 7:37
  Do not know regular Santa.
• 7:39
  I have no need to know regular Santa.
• 7:42
  Black Santa, though.
• 7:43
  Oh.
• 7:44
  Good guy.
• 7:45
  Very good guy.
• 7:47
  He seems more like my kind of Santa anyway.
• 7:49
  He is.
• 7:51
  So how long are you in the States there, Ukrainian Santa?
• 7:56
  I will be leaving as soon as Alan gets here.
• 7:58
  I fly over just to do podcasts and then I leave.
• 8:03
  I go back to home.
• 8:04
  So it seems like a good use of time.
• 8:06
  We're very appreciative to have you.
• 8:08
  Did you pay for the digger or did Alan fly you out?
• 8:11
  I flew in a B-52 bomber.
• 8:13
  Oh, that's right.
• 8:13
  I forgot you had a B-52 bomber.
• 8:15
  That's why there's no more trees left on my street.
• 8:19
  It is parked on your street, but it is parallel parked on your street.
• 8:23
  Great.
• 8:23
  So it's taking up the whole road lengthwise.
• 8:27
  One of the wings is sticking into your neighbor's house right now.
• 8:30
  Yeah, that's fine.
• 8:31
  Who used to drive red pickup?
• 8:34
  Oh, no.
• 8:35
  Evan.
• 8:36
  I had a red pickup.
• 8:38
  Is it how you say insured?
• 8:40
  For acts of God, yeah, I'm sure.
• 8:43
  That's what this seems to fall under.
• 8:44
  Act of Santa.
• 8:48
  Those two things are the same in Ukraine.
• 8:50
  Santa and God, I think it might be on right there.
• 8:55
  Ukrainian Santa.
• 8:56
  Oh, there he is.
• 8:57
  Hello, Alan.
• 8:58
  How are you doing?
• 8:59
  Hello, Alan.
• 9:00
  We have been talking with Ukrainian Santa for the past 10 minutes.
• 9:03
  Oh, how was that?
• 9:05
  Get off his lap.
• 9:06
  Go to the other microphone.
• 9:13
  Yeah, you create.
• 9:13
  Yeah, he's been good.
• 9:15
  He's been talking about how you have an addiction to Farmville.
• 9:18
  I don't know what that is.
• 9:20
  Yeah, covering up.
• 9:23
  He said you wake up at 630 in the morning before the sun shine.
• 9:26
  Yeah, that doesn't sound like me.
• 9:28
  Ukrainian Santa, what do you he's denying it?
• 9:31
  He's normal American liar.
• 9:35
  Only good American is Joe Biden who give us money.
• 9:40
  Alan, Ukrainian Santa, you said he flew out just for the 10 minute segment here.
• 9:45
  He's going to fly the 17 hours back right after.
• 9:48
  Yeah, I don't think he has a lot going on.
• 9:51
  When you pulled up, did you see his B-52 bomber sitting out parallel parked on the street?
• 9:57
  Yeah, it's kind of hard to miss.
• 9:58
  Yeah, I think he has like 140 foot wingspan.
• 10:01
  Yeah, it's a block.
• 10:05
  Many a chimney down the road.
• 10:07
  There are a few less trees lining the street today.
• 10:10
  Well, you created intended.
• 10:12
  Thank you for being here.
• 10:13
  Maybe we'll have a yawn in the future.
• 10:14
  But, you know, I'm sure your life expectancy probably isn't fantastic.
• 10:19
  It is pleasure to be here.
• 10:20
  I will be back whenever whenever you need a Ukrainian Santa.
• 10:24
  I don't know when that will be, but
• 10:27
  the need comes up often a little more than you think.
• 10:31
  It's great to have.
• 10:32
  I don't think we needed you today, but you just kind of showed up.
• 10:34
  So now I'm just going to spend on time for once.
• 10:39
  Thank you, Ukrainian Santa.
• 10:41
  And for everybody else, welcome to questionable detour.
• 10:43
  Let's jump into some hypotheticals.
• 10:45
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 10:50
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 10:53
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 10:56
  Today's hypothetical, which Evan experienced here recently,
• 10:59
  is how would y'all handle taking a test drive with the vehicle salesman in the car?
• 11:05
  You know, it's a one-on-one situation, close quarters in a vehicle.
• 11:09
  How would y'all go about maybe making him comfortable
• 11:13
  and getting the most out of the test driving experience for me?
• 11:16
  I want to know what this vehicle is going to do for me.
• 11:19
  Absolutely.
• 11:19
  And kind of push it to its limits.
• 11:21
  Test drive.
• 11:22
  Test. Yeah, you really want to drive that vehicle.
• 11:24
  So kind of what I like to do is get the salesman in the back seat,
• 11:28
  me and my wife up front.
• 11:29
  So, you know, we're kind of in command of the vehicle.
• 11:31
  So we're driving.
• 11:33
  Yeah.
• 11:33
  So we're in command.
• 11:34
  And then you wear a sailor's uniform like a captain.
• 11:36
  I try to when I when I can.
• 11:39
  If it's at the laundromat, then I really I can't.
• 11:41
  It's dry clean.
• 11:42
  You know, you wear it a lot.
• 11:43
  And so yeah, it's dry clean only.
• 11:45
  So I don't have it for every occasion.
• 11:48
  But I do like to wear that and, you know, act like I'm a captain at the helm.
• 11:53
  You know, and I say, land ho.
• 11:55
  And then I kind of drive forward.
• 11:58
  You're driving on the land, but you're pointing out the land you're going.
• 12:02
  Yeah, there's more in front of me.
• 12:03
  So I'm going to keep going on it.
• 12:05
  Do you call women just land hoes?
• 12:08
  A mermaid to be like, yeah, that's what I'm trying to think.
• 12:10
  Yeah, I'm trying to think of like what I guess a normal person would be a land ho.
• 12:14
  Yeah, just like, yeah, normal person is just a land ho to me.
• 12:17
  And I like to drive at them.
• 12:19
  I guess.
• 12:21
  No, I just like to point at them and say, hey, land ho.
• 12:23
  Yeah, you just you just calling out facts.
• 12:25
  Yeah.
• 12:25
  So when you say you're in control and captain of the vehicle,
• 12:28
  you're more of a pirate captain rather than like a cruise liner captain.
• 12:31
  Yeah.
• 12:32
  And we're always in search of gold.
• 12:35
  And hoes.
• 12:36
  Well, land hoes.
• 12:37
  The next piece of that is we actually like to kind of really test drive the vehicle
• 12:42
  and pretend like the salesman in the back is a future kid that we may have
• 12:46
  that may have to be.
• 12:52
  So not only are you test driving a vehicle, you're test driving parenthood.
• 12:56
  Yeah.
• 12:57
  Once you once you do it one time, you kind of get a taste for it and you're like.
• 13:02
  So you in the moment, they were fine with it.
• 13:03
  You and Savannah, your wife, get into the vehicle.
• 13:06
  You are maybe dressed as a pirate.
• 13:08
  I'm not sure where we landed on that.
• 13:10
  I was thinking it was more of like a old sailors uniform, maybe military,
• 13:14
  not necessarily pirate.
• 13:15
  OK, it's actually more of a sailor moon.
• 13:19
  And make.
• 13:19
  Wow.
• 13:19
  Yeah.
• 13:20
  OK, very.
• 13:21
  It's very tough.
• 13:23
  Really leggy, isn't it?
• 13:27
  So you get in there in a sailor moon costume, your wife, I'm sure,
• 13:31
  is rolling her eyes and sighing a lot.
• 13:33
  And you treat the salesman as a child, as a child.
• 13:37
  OK, where does it go from there?
• 13:38
  Well, wherever the road takes me.
• 13:41
  And I like to kind of just go down the road and the driver,
• 13:47
  I want to see him out of my rear view and be like, hey, you OK back there, champ?
• 13:50
  Yeah, you know, checking on your child.
• 13:52
  You're checking on being a parent.
• 13:53
  Yeah.
• 13:54
  And we'll get him a little phone and kind of put it up there so we can watch something
• 13:57
  while we're driving.
• 13:59
  Do you fit them in a car seat that you have like a car seat?
• 14:02
  You go you go sit in that.
• 14:03
  Or is he like a big a big boy so he doesn't have to use one anymore?
• 14:06
  Well, he's a big boy.
• 14:07
  He grew out of that.
• 14:08
  It's only like 350 pounds.
• 14:09
  Well, yeah, he's too big for the seat.
• 14:12
  So we have to get a new seat.
• 14:14
  It's just the whole thing.
• 14:15
  But he's a he's a big boy and we like to, you know, make sure he's comfortable back there.
• 14:20
  And we like to check on him every now and then.
• 14:23
  What really kind of puts it over the top is when they do buy into the whole.
• 14:26
  Oh, gosh, I bet that's weird.
• 14:28
  And they're like, are we there yet?
• 14:30
  Are we there yet?
• 14:31
  Is that because you've been driving around in the car?
• 14:33
  You're test driving for 12 hours straight and they're literally saying,
• 14:36
  are we back at the dealership?
• 14:38
  Yeah, that's why we tried to get a hybrid so we could stay out there as long as we could.
• 14:41
  Good call.
• 14:42
  You go friendly and it kind of fits your M.O.
• 14:44
  Yeah, I like it.
• 14:46
  Yeah, and I like to swerve into traffic every now and then.
• 14:50
  Is that does that have to do with the baby thing or is it just.
• 14:53
  No, that's just test drive.
• 14:55
  That's just a test drive.
• 14:56
  You want to see how the car reacts to it.
• 14:58
  You want to see other people's cars react to it.
• 15:00
  Yeah, you want to see how every every car on the road is going to react to you.
• 15:03
  Because, you know, people only drive out of the way of other vehicles
• 15:06
  if they think that vehicle is nice.
• 15:07
  Exactly.
• 15:07
  If it's a clunker, they're heading right straight.
• 15:09
  Yeah, they're like, I want my insurance payment out of this one.
• 15:11
  That's right.
• 15:13
  But if it's a nice car, they're going to be like, whoa, don't want to mess that thing up too nice.
• 15:17
  How do you get all the baby supplies in the car?
• 15:19
  Because this is not your vehicle and you are creating an infant like person out of the salesman.
• 15:25
  Do you carry the pacifier and bonnet and maybe adult diapers into the car dealership with you?
• 15:32
  Yeah, well, we have them in a backpack and we carry our baby bag with us and put it in the car.
• 15:38
  And once he gets in, we kind of fasten him down, you know, put a seatbelt on for him.
• 15:41
  Kiss him on his forehead.
• 15:42
  Yeah, give him a little kiss on the forehead.
• 15:44
  Kind of if he's hungry, if he hasn't eaten in a while,
• 15:46
  we'll go ahead and feed him while we're driving.
• 15:48
  So Savannah will sit back there with them and kind of spoon feed him while.
• 15:52
  OK, he's done with the solid food.
• 15:54
  After he's done eating, do you do you kind of pick him up in your arms and sort of burp him a bit?
• 15:59
  Do you do it while driving?
• 16:01
  Yeah, Savannah will pass him up to me and.
• 16:05
  A 350 pound man.
• 16:09
  They are sweating by the end of that.
• 16:13
  It is half the reason I swerve into traffic because I just can't see past them.
• 16:19
  But it has to be done.
• 16:21
  That's what I would do with a real child.
• 16:22
  He'll get grumpy if you don't burp him.
• 16:24
  Exactly. He won't go to sleep.
• 16:26
  I bet your legs have fallen asleep after 10 minutes of having him on your lap.
• 16:31
  You're having trouble hitting the brake pedal and gas pedal because you can't feel your legs anymore.
• 16:36
  Yeah, so I'm thinking about getting a self-driving car just to kind of
• 16:41
  not have to worry about that.
• 16:42
  You don't have to be like a third parent.
• 16:43
  Yeah, I can burp my test drive baby anytime I want.
• 16:47
  How does the test drive end?
• 16:48
  Oh, we just pull back into the dealership, park the car and we all get out and go home.
• 16:51
  OK. OK.
• 16:52
  But you don't go home together.
• 16:55
  He just goes back to his job.
• 16:57
  He just goes to the next test drive.
• 16:59
  You have taken his mind, completely scrambled it thinking he's your child,
• 17:04
  and then 12 hours later you abandon him.
• 17:09
  This is just a test drive.
• 17:10
  He knows that going into it.
• 17:11
  This is just a test drive.
• 17:13
  So if at the end of the 12 hours...
• 17:15
  That's actually what he was screaming at you when he first got in
• 17:17
  and realized what you were doing is he was saying this is just a test drive.
• 17:22
  I bet it's an awkward jaunt back into the offices for him
• 17:27
  as he just spent 12 hours being fed, burped and treated like an infant.
• 17:32
  And he has to go back to his normal nine to five job.
• 17:34
  I bet he is just staring blankly at that computer.
• 17:39
  Right through that screen.
• 17:40
  Do you think he just goes and just lays down on the office floor and just poops?
• 17:44
  Just right in his pants.
• 17:49
  They're like, what are you doing, John?
• 17:51
  Don't worry.
• 17:52
  Somebody's going to be here to fix this.
• 17:55
  I got a daddy.
• 17:58
  There's a readjustment period for sure.
• 18:00
  And I'm not liable for that.
• 18:01
  He knew it was a test drive.
• 18:02
  Yeah, he's an adult.
• 18:04
  He's an adult.
• 18:04
  Despite how you treated him, he still is an adult.
• 18:07
  How many test kids do you have so far?
• 18:09
  Well, I mean, we've test driven about seven cars, so seven.
• 18:12
  Yeah, there are seven screwed up people in this world.
• 18:14
  Then at least there's no way they're assimilating back into life.
• 18:19
  Yeah, they got a lot to work on mentally after that.
• 18:23
  12 hours or however long that it must be a long test drive.
• 18:27
  Do you see the stages of Stockholm syndrome happening?
• 18:30
  Like, do you see the denial and the anger that they're being kidnapped?
• 18:34
  And then maybe you slowly start seeing them mold into the child that you want.
• 18:39
  Yeah.
• 18:40
  Well, it's really more evident in the way that at the beginning,
• 18:44
  they're trying to call the police.
• 18:45
  Sure.
• 18:46
  And by the end of it, they're kind of waving the police off, you know?
• 18:48
  They're like, hey, these guys aren't that bad.
• 18:50
  With the rattle in their head, I'm sure.
• 18:52
  Yeah.
• 18:52
  And he's like, these guys aren't bad.
• 18:53
  Yeah.
• 18:54
  I didn't mean to call you.
• 18:55
  It was a butt dial.
• 18:57
  They're like, you specifically said you're being kidnapped in a white Toyota Haunt.
• 19:02
  And then he's like, well, I'm baby.
• 19:03
  So what do I know?
• 19:05
  I'm just a baby.
• 19:06
  Babies can't call the police.
• 19:08
  They're like, the cops were like, OK.
• 19:10
  And they're like, I don't know what kind of fetish this is.
• 19:12
  My little test baby's like, hey, you want some of this applesauce?
• 19:18
  Stuff is good.
• 19:21
  Puts you right to sleep.
• 19:22
  Offers that nasty, mushy baby food.
• 19:25
  Like just mashed peas.
• 19:27
  Yeah.
• 19:27
  We got peas and sweet potatoes.
• 19:31
  You want some mashed carrots?
• 19:32
  Get you a mouthful of this Gerber.
• 19:34
  Hey, Mr. Police man, you want a horse?
• 19:37
  A little smushed kale and blueberries?
• 19:40
  Because boy, do I have that puree for you.
• 19:44
  Yeah, it's a whole process.
• 19:46
  We just want to make sure we're getting the best car for us.
• 19:49
  Sure.
• 19:49
  For our situation.
• 19:49
  And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.
• 19:51
  That's all that matters.
• 19:52
  People are so worried about the salesman getting something over on them.
• 19:56
  You fail to realize that maybe it's that customer it's going to mess with.
• 20:02
  Maybe it's the customer you should be wary of.
• 20:04
  That's good.
• 20:04
  How did Sabin is in on this?
• 20:06
  Oh, yeah.
• 20:07
  Okay. You can ask her.
• 20:08
  Yes. That's an interesting tactic.
• 20:10
  You said interesting.
• 20:11
  It's an interesting tactic.
• 20:12
  Implies that you don't think it's good.
• 20:14
  I don't think it implies that I don't think it's good.
• 20:16
  I think it implies that I think it is interesting.
• 20:19
  It sounds like a man that's never treated another grown man as an infant.
• 20:24
  I think you need to go on a little test drive with me one time.
• 20:27
  I'm never getting in a car with you.
• 20:29
  Me and Sabin will treat you right.
• 20:30
  If I start opening the back door and you are just giving me some eyes, I'm like, never mind.
• 20:39
  Buddy, the child the child locks will be on.
• 20:41
  You won't be able to open that door.
• 20:42
  No, I'm not getting in.
• 20:45
  Listen, let me just put a little baby bib on you one time.
• 20:49
  Look, if they come up to that car salesman and they're like, we'll pay cash.
• 20:54
  They're in that backseat no matter what.
• 20:56
  There's nothing they can do to keep them out of that car.
• 20:58
  But okay, Alan, you go buy a new car, take it for a test drive.
• 21:03
  What do you do?
• 21:04
  What do you do with a new car?
• 21:05
  What do you do with the salesman that's taking a ride with you?
• 21:07
  What I do, I make sure it's just me and the salesman.
• 21:11
  I'm not inviting any friends along.
• 21:13
  I want this to be sort of intimate.
• 21:14
  We weren't asking.
• 21:17
  You guys are not invited.
• 21:18
  You don't even bring your wife?
• 21:19
  No, this is just me and the salesman.
• 21:21
  I really want to get to know this guy because I've got a lot of important things to talk to him about.
• 21:26
  Namely, my addictions.
• 21:29
  Nothing about the car.
• 21:31
  No, I actually don't care about the car.
• 21:34
  What I need is I need to get him in that car and we need to be moving so he can't get out.
• 21:39
  So he's forced to listen to what I have to say.
• 21:41
  So you're treating him as a kidnap therapist.
• 21:44
  Yes.
• 21:45
  Initially, I feel like, and this has happened with you guys,
• 21:48
  when I ask you to talk about my problems, you all just kind of like, oh, we can get out.
• 21:53
  You don't really want to do that.
• 21:54
  It's frightening.
• 21:55
  In your mind.
• 21:56
  Yeah.
• 21:56
  It is a frightening place.
• 21:57
  I really would rather stay away.
• 21:59
  Pandora's box.
• 22:00
  Yeah.
• 22:01
  Yeah.
• 22:01
  But that's not the case when you lock the car doors and drive 80 miles an hour down the interstate with somebody in your passenger seat.
• 22:08
  There's no, there's nowhere that they're going.
• 22:10
  Well, they're going.
• 22:11
  Except for wherever I'm going.
• 22:12
  Yeah.
• 22:14
  Walk us through how it normally goes for you.
• 22:17
  So you pull up the dealership, you talk to the salesman, you entice him with a high dollar car.
• 22:22
  Well, you don't, I mean, you know, car salesmen, you don't really have to entice them.
• 22:26
  They sit there on their golf carts, like buzzards, just waiting for you.
• 22:30
  They think they're going to pull a fast one on me.
• 22:33
  Boy, howdy.
• 22:35
  Were they wrong?
• 22:36
  Let me ask you this.
• 22:38
  So I know we established it's just you and him in the car, but does your wife come with you to the dealership and you kind of leave her at the dealership?
• 22:44
  No, she says, please go tell your problems to someone else.
• 22:47
  Oh, okay.
• 22:48
  She's the one that is.
• 22:50
  I'm kind of sick of this.
• 22:51
  You're going to need to talk to somebody else.
• 22:54
  Yeah.
• 22:55
  Those salesmen do not understand what they are about to get into when they come up with that big greasy smile asking, what are you looking for today?
• 23:03
  I'm looking for answers.
• 23:04
  I said an outlet.
• 23:06
  Help.
• 23:09
  And they think that I'm talking about an electric car.
• 23:12
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 23:13
  And so that's what they suggest.
• 23:16
  So that's what we get in.
• 23:17
  We ride around and I just unload all my problems on this therapist.
• 23:21
  Is your initial question to them?
• 23:23
  How, how many problems can this baby hold?
• 23:26
  That's right.
• 23:26
  I slap the hood and I say, what's the problem storage space in here?
• 23:31
  How many secrets can this one keep?
• 23:34
  Let's see.
• 23:35
  How many problems to the gallon does this get?
• 23:39
  He's like, I don't know, because that's not a thing.
• 23:41
  Yeah.
• 23:42
  You're like, we're about to find out.
• 23:43
  That's right.
• 23:44
  Everybody is always worried about that PPG.
• 23:49
  So you get in.
• 23:50
  Yeah, I'm sure he's very confused when you immediately lock the doors.
• 23:53
  Yeah, he's confused, but he's not confused for long because I immediately tell him my problem.
• 23:58
  I let him know that I'm addicted to melting butter and drinking it.
• 24:02
  That's gross.
• 24:04
  And I assume you don't have any segue into that admission.
• 24:08
  It's just a matter of fact.
• 24:09
  If you can come up with a segue to casually introduce that into a conversation, I'd love to hear it.
• 24:14
  Okay.
• 24:15
  Let me see if I can come up with a segue.
• 24:16
  Maybe my belly gurgles a little bit.
• 24:18
  You know, you pad it and look over to him and go, man, you know what I could use?
• 24:23
  A gallon of melted butter.
• 24:26
  And he's like, the crap is wrong with you.
• 24:29
  Then you explain your addiction.
• 24:32
  I'll tell you what's wrong with me.
• 24:34
  I have about two gallons of it a day.
• 24:37
  Boy, how do you my arteries clogged?
• 24:39
  I have a camelback strapped to me where I'm just, I've been drinking melted butter
• 24:44
  since we've been in this car.
• 24:46
  It's starting to congeal a little bit.
• 24:48
  It's clogging the pipes.
• 24:51
  This camelback.
• 24:52
  If I pass out, are you comfortable with taking the wheel?
• 24:55
  Don't drink my butter.
• 24:57
  So my question was, what is the time average from door closed to you spitting out?
• 25:04
  I'm addicted to drinking butter.
• 25:05
  If things go well, it's under a minute.
• 25:08
  Okay.
• 25:08
  That's more time than I thought.
• 25:10
  Yeah.
• 25:10
  I thought it was like, let him sit in silence for a second.
• 25:14
  Oh, we don't.
• 25:15
  Yeah. I don't say anything until I say that.
• 25:18
  Yeah. I thought it was just like, I'm addicted to eating butter.
• 25:23
  I let him sit here and give me car facts for about 45 seconds without me responding at all.
• 25:28
  I bet you're just heavy breathing.
• 25:30
  Understanding that you're about to unload all the mental crap that you got.
• 25:34
  And you just drop the butter bomb on him.
• 25:37
  So you admit your first addiction.
• 25:39
  What he probably is confused, but still.
• 25:42
  He'll do anything.
• 25:43
  He'll do anything to sell the car.
• 25:46
  He's met weird people before.
• 25:47
  Now what's the next thing you usually admit?
• 25:49
  I say, how many gallons of butter do you think the trunk can hold?
• 25:53
  And he says something along the lines of, I've never been asked that it's not water tight.
• 25:58
  So it'll probably leak.
• 26:00
  Not looking good for the sale of this car.
• 26:04
  He probably says butter's a big deal to you.
• 26:07
  Isn't it?
• 26:08
  I say butter is the only deal to me.
• 26:10
  So when I wake up in the morning and throw off my butter sheets,
• 26:18
  just sheets that have butter sticks printed on them.
• 26:21
  I thought it was like the wrapper from butter.
• 26:24
  You put them all together.
• 26:26
  That would be disgusting.
• 26:29
  When I wake up and I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth with a stick of butter,
• 26:33
  just to get the morning started, warming up a nice pipe and hot cup of melted butter.
• 26:38
  I don't know.
• 26:39
  What was the question?
• 26:41
  I'm just talking about butter now.
• 26:43
  He's sweating over there.
• 26:46
  Just heavy breathing, sweating.
• 26:51
  Sweats like congealing on his face.
• 26:54
  I bet you smell great if you consume that much butter.
• 26:58
  Okay.
• 26:58
  Well, is the whole car ride about butter or do you admit other addictions?
• 27:03
  No, I have other problems.
• 27:05
  I tell them about the time that for roughly six months,
• 27:08
  I thought that the farm goat was my dad.
• 27:13
  Was it your first six months or when was the six month period?
• 27:16
  It was age seven.
• 27:18
  Okay.
• 27:19
  Within your foundational years.
• 27:20
  Wait, you thought for six months when you were seven that a farm goat was your father?
• 27:24
  Yes.
• 27:24
  Why are you confused by that?
• 27:25
  I don't know.
• 27:26
  It seems pretty straightforward.
• 27:27
  Yeah. Is this the goat that's making the butter?
• 27:36
  Did you think you were eating your father's byproduct?
• 27:40
  What I saw was somebody providing for us and I thought that that was my dad.
• 27:47
  Oh my gosh.
• 27:48
  So gross.
• 27:49
  You unload that you love butter, unhealthily love butter.
• 27:53
  Then you unload that you have daddy problems,
• 27:55
  but not I'm going to become a stripper one day daddy problem.
• 27:58
  No, no.
• 27:59
  Daddy problems of I thought a farm animal was my father.
• 28:02
  Yeah, it was a rough time at age seven.
• 28:06
  I was going through quite a bit.
• 28:08
  My dad had left and he didn't leave for long.
• 28:10
  He came back within the hour, but I have such a,
• 28:14
  I have such severe abandonment issues that I latched onto the first thing that I saw
• 28:20
  and that was a goat.
• 28:21
  And you thought that for six months, even though he came back within an hour.
• 28:24
  He was there the whole time.
• 28:26
  It wasn't until six months later, the family finally got fed up
• 28:30
  of just the whole situation and they butchered the goat.
• 28:34
  Was that that ended the six months?
• 28:36
  It did.
• 28:36
  So you didn't, you didn't helpfully come out of this belief.
• 28:39
  They killed the goat in front of you, AKA your father.
• 28:42
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 28:44
  And, and as it's understood with fathers,
• 28:46
  the person that kills the father figure of your life is your father.
• 28:50
  I think everybody's aware of that.
• 28:52
  It's a pretty, pretty standard, uh, Genghis Khan's procedure.
• 28:56
  Yeah.
• 28:57
  So you don't go into this test drive with the salesman because we are still on a test drive.
• 29:01
  That's right.
• 29:02
  We're still here.
• 29:03
  Do you go into this test drive with a salesman thinking that he is then your father?
• 29:07
  Is it kind of one of those situations?
• 29:08
  What I'm kind of trying to see is maybe if he could be.
• 29:11
  Evan's test driving a family.
• 29:13
  Yeah.
• 29:13
  Test driving the family too.
• 29:15
  You know, I want him, I want him to first off as a therapist to see if he can,
• 29:19
  to see if he can just hear my problems and hear me out.
• 29:22
  And then if he does a good job at that, maybe he can be my dad.
• 29:26
  What a better place to find family than the Toyota on sales event.
• 29:31
  Ford truck month, really.
• 29:33
  A great, a great month long experience.
• 29:36
  So as you unload all of your, your demons on, on this person,
• 29:40
  what is his general reaction kind of by the end of it?
• 29:44
  I would assume he's crying more than you.
• 29:46
  First, he wants to get out and then he kind of realizes what he stumbled into.
• 29:51
  And he sees how vulnerable I am in this situation.
• 29:56
  Generally, he tries to take advantage of me.
• 29:58
  Not in a weird way.
• 30:02
  He basically says, well, if you buy this car, you and I are locked into an agreement.
• 30:07
  I can be that father figure you're looking for.
• 30:09
  So I'm willing to sign whatever he gives me.
• 30:12
  You got a father with a 9% interest rate.
• 30:17
  Yeah.
• 30:17
  Yeah.
• 30:19
  Locked in.
• 30:19
  Locked in.
• 30:21
  Five year loan is going to put your debt to income ratio.
• 30:24
  That's right.
• 30:25
  That's right.
• 30:25
  But at the end, my dad to income ratio, that's what we're focused on.
• 30:30
  Yeah.
• 30:30
  Good ratio at that point.
• 30:33
  You have a lot of cars in your driveway.
• 30:34
  How many dads you got?
• 30:36
  I was about to ask what happened to your regular dad?
• 30:39
  Regular dad's still here.
• 30:40
  I see him all the time.
• 30:41
  You just really needed another one.
• 30:43
  I like getting moral support from father figures.
• 30:45
  Okay.
• 30:45
  Okay.
• 30:46
  So you just want as much as you can.
• 30:47
  I want a father figure everywhere I go.
• 30:50
  He has daddy problems.
• 30:51
  No, I get it.
• 30:51
  I get it.
• 30:52
  When I go to a restaurant, I want that waiter to tell me I'm doing a good job.
• 30:56
  When I order, I want him to say, hey, that's a good choice, son.
• 31:01
  So my tactic with buying a new vehicle and taking a test drive is I want the salesman
• 31:07
  that is riding around with me to be as comfortable as possible.
• 31:10
  Right?
• 31:10
  Because I care about how they feel.
• 31:13
  I care about what they think.
• 31:14
  So I wanted them to be comfortable.
• 31:15
  So immediately when I get in, I tell them to take off their shoes.
• 31:18
  It's an immediate thing.
• 31:19
  Because when you're home in your house, what's what do you, you don't you take off your shoes.
• 31:22
  That's it.
• 31:23
  I don't.
• 31:24
  Most people do.
• 31:26
  But you know, I want him to be comfortable when you're in a comfortable location.
• 31:28
  You take off your shoes.
• 31:29
  I tell him to take off his shoes.
• 31:30
  It's a command.
• 31:31
  I yell it like aggressively.
• 31:34
  Do you have a pair of warm socks for him to put on after he takes them off?
• 31:38
  Warm to my own breath.
• 31:40
  You're breathing on just a minute.
• 31:41
  They'll be ready shortly.
• 31:46
  Yeah.
• 31:46
  Yeah.
• 31:46
  I self warm them.
• 31:48
  And then as we get to driving, kind of cruise and we're chatting about the vehicle.
• 31:52
  His feet are nice and warm.
• 31:54
  As we as we're driving, my friend, poor Greg comes from behind the seat.
• 31:58
  His name is poor Greg.
• 32:00
  Yeah.
• 32:00
  Poor Greg.
• 32:00
  First name poor, last name Greg.
• 32:02
  No, poor is his financial status.
• 32:04
  As it's kind of like from last week with the lumberjacks, like poor is his job.
• 32:08
  Greg is his name.
• 32:09
  Maybe I got that subliminal.
• 32:11
  The lumberjacks had a job.
• 32:12
  This is just, he doesn't have a lot of money in the bank.
• 32:14
  Poor Greg.
• 32:15
  Okay.
• 32:15
  It's poor Greg and he's, he snuck into the back and what poor Greg does at this point is
• 32:20
  lowers the seat back of the passenger seat where the salesman's sitting.
• 32:23
  What poor Greg does is starts giving him an old school 1930s haircut and shave.
• 32:29
  He starts lathering up his face, shaving cream and takes out that very long, sharp straight razor
• 32:36
  and starts hitting on that belt to sharpen it.
• 32:38
  Uh huh.
• 32:39
  And then he just starts shaving, start shaving the salesman and doesn't move around as much
• 32:43
  as you think.
• 32:43
  Cause when you have a straight razor to your neck, not moving around a lot.
• 32:47
  It's poor Greg like while he's shaving his neck is he like, so what'd you say the price of this
• 32:51
  car was again?
• 32:53
  He might frighten them a little bit.
• 32:55
  Poor Greg cares about money cause he doesn't have a lot of it.
• 32:58
  Just a slight insinuation of.
• 33:00
  Are you and poor Greg going in together to buy this car?
• 33:03
  What, like what is his, what is his job here?
• 33:05
  Well, I'm getting to it.
• 33:06
  We, we have a direction.
• 33:08
  Okay.
• 33:08
  The vehicle, but with their tactics here, poor Greg, he just helped me out.
• 33:12
  He's a good friend.
• 33:13
  He's pouring money, but not pouring friendship.
• 33:15
  So he starts shaving and after the salesman gets a nice close shave, he, what happens is we, um,
• 33:22
  we want to feed him.
• 33:23
  We want to feed the salesman.
• 33:24
  So what we do is we break out a picnic basket.
• 33:26
  We set it on his lap and have a little picnic on his lap.
• 33:29
  Oh, Yogi bear style.
• 33:30
  Yeah.
• 33:30
  Oh, Yogi bear style.
• 33:31
  And he's all leaned back.
• 33:33
  So comfortable with warm socks.
• 33:34
  I bet he is.
• 33:35
  Sounds like people eating lunch off of it.
• 33:41
  An incoming meal.
• 33:43
  And, uh, I don't know.
• 33:44
  What do you normally guys, what do you guys normally have for a picnic?
• 33:47
  I, we, we, we have cereal.
• 33:49
  We have cereal, um, on this guy's lap.
• 33:53
  You know, we lay out the blanket and have the classic picnic basket.
• 33:57
  You have bowls.
• 33:58
  Do we have what?
• 33:59
  Do you have bowls?
• 34:00
  We do have bowls.
• 34:01
  Okay.
• 34:01
  Just making sure you weren't just eating it out of his lap.
• 34:04
  Literally.
• 34:04
  But you buy those big feed sacks of cereal.
• 34:08
  The Sam's club one.
• 34:09
  Yeah.
• 34:11
  And it's just one big bowl.
• 34:14
  We're all eating out of a community bowl and I'm not a great driver.
• 34:17
  I'm hitting the brakes and hitting potholes.
• 34:19
  So you're eating a punch bowl of cereal.
• 34:24
  And when I hit all those potholes and hitting the brakes, his crotch is soaked with milk.
• 34:29
  Yeah.
• 34:29
  It's just, it's a wet crotch, which very comfortable.
• 34:35
  You had me in the first two.
• 34:38
  But like a comfortable warm socks, clean shave, food in his belly, what every man wants.
• 34:43
  Well, I drug him.
• 34:44
  I realize that that is a common occurrence with me, but it, drugging people get, it solves a lot of problems.
• 34:50
  It had to come in there somewhere.
• 34:52
  Yeah.
• 34:52
  But it's not what you think.
• 34:53
  I'm not taking advantage of him.
• 34:55
  What I'm doing is I have written his resume for him and as he's asleep, I drive him around to different business establishments.
• 35:03
  I submit his resume to these different business establishments because he probably doesn't like his job, right?
• 35:08
  Sure.
• 35:09
  He's a car salesman.
• 35:09
  Yeah.
• 35:10
  I don't know him well.
• 35:11
  I just met the guy.
• 35:12
  So these resumes are just made up.
• 35:15
  It says he speaks Japanese.
• 35:18
  It says that he's a veteran, but I'm not sure what side.
• 35:21
  But you just met the guy.
• 35:23
  He can't blame you for, you know, things that you don't know about him.
• 35:26
  I mean, I'm just trying to help the guy out.
• 35:28
  Who cares if I put war crimes on his resume?
• 35:30
  Yeah.
• 35:31
  Who cares?
• 35:31
  But you know, I'm just, I'm taking it to different places.
• 35:33
  I'm taking it to the, the Jiffy Lube.
• 35:35
  I'm taking it to a McDonald's.
• 35:37
  I, if I run by a hospital, I'll submit his resume to be a surgeon.
• 35:40
  He's probably not qualified.
• 35:42
  Well, he's qualified because I made up the fact that he went to medical school.
• 35:45
  Yeah.
• 35:46
  All that very good resume.
• 35:47
  And again, you don't know the guy.
• 35:49
  So you're just throwing it at random places.
• 35:51
  Like the adult bookstore down the.
• 35:53
  Yeah.
• 35:55
  I look like a paper boy, just driving down the road and just tossing it out the window.
• 35:59
  Yeah.
• 36:00
  You have your 20s newsies hat on.
• 36:02
  Get your resumes here.
• 36:04
  Fresh resume off the press.
• 36:06
  I pull up through the drive-through and the poor minimum wage girl is trying to take my money.
• 36:12
  I'm just like, here, take this.
• 36:14
  It's more than money.
• 36:15
  And she looks into that car and it's just me, poor Greg and the salesman just passed.
• 36:20
  Passed out with a bowl of cereal on his lap.
• 36:24
  Do you think this is going to make poor Greg mad that he's so poor, doesn't have a job yet?
• 36:28
  You're trying to get a job for somebody else that already has one.
• 36:32
  I honestly forgot poor Greg was even there.
• 36:36
  Poor Greg is always, he's here right now with us.
• 36:38
  Oh God.
• 36:40
  It's him curled up on the floor like a dog under Zach.
• 36:44
  Yeah.
• 36:45
  No, poor Greg's happy being on a boy.
• 36:47
  Otherwise, how would he get to do things like this with me?
• 36:50
  He had a nine to five.
• 36:52
  Couldn't do that, right?
• 36:53
  No.
• 36:54
  Why do you keep touching my feet?
• 36:55
  Get down.
• 36:56
  Get out.
• 36:57
  Get great on.
• 36:58
  Get off my rug.
• 36:59
  Make it smell like wet dog.
• 37:01
  But then, you know, as, as the day goes on, he's still asleep.
• 37:05
  I did not dish out the medication well.
• 37:08
  He's knocked out.
• 37:09
  He's still alive.
• 37:10
  I checked his pulse, but he's knocked out.
• 37:11
  So then I go and do his job for him.
• 37:13
  I turned to the car salesman and then take people for test drives.
• 37:17
  And so when they get in the driver's seat, I'm sitting in the passenger seat.
• 37:20
  My butt's wet because of the milk and they turn around and they see poor Greg.
• 37:28
  And a man passed out with a very wet crotch.
• 37:31
  I'm sure that's a sight for anybody just to see poor Greg.
• 37:34
  Just Cheerios just coming out of his mouth.
• 37:39
  Poor Greg's still feeding him.
• 37:40
  He didn't finish.
• 37:41
  I thought you were talking about poor Greg.
• 37:43
  I'd cheerios coming out of his mouth.
• 37:45
  It's in his beard, you know, and I'm just sitting in that passenger seat smiling.
• 37:52
  I'm about to make a sale because you buy a car when you see that you don't trust the
• 37:57
  unhinged ness of that salesman.
• 37:59
  You're worried you could be next.
• 38:04
  But then, you know, we don't drive back to the dealership.
• 38:07
  The salesman just kind of wakes up in some cornfield 30 miles away.
• 38:11
  It's just an empty car.
• 38:12
  All the doors are open.
• 38:14
  The car battery is dead.
• 38:17
  You smell a fire somewhere.
• 38:20
  He didn't have a shirt.
• 38:23
  Point being, he got some sleep.
• 38:25
  He got food.
• 38:26
  He got his resume out to so many different jobs.
• 38:30
  He's comfortable.
• 38:31
  I do it for the people.
• 38:32
  He's never been more comfortable.
• 38:33
  I think that's good because, you know, you never see a well-rested car salesman.
• 38:38
  They always look like they're burning the candle at both ends.
• 38:44
  One lost cigarette away from a nervous breakdown.
• 38:47
  You know, you did this guy a favor, I think.
• 38:50
  I did.
• 38:51
  Absolutely.
• 38:52
  That's what I think, too.
• 38:53
  Me and poor Greg are out saving one life at a time.
• 38:55
  Not poor Greg's life.
• 38:57
  He hasn't really benefited much.
• 38:59
  You will help anybody else but poor Greg.
• 39:01
  Listen, poor Greg lives better than any of us.
• 39:04
  He lives free.
• 39:05
  He's like a parasitic relationship.
• 39:08
  Yeah, I'm doing the world justice one car salesman at a time.
• 39:13
  All right, so our next segment is brought to you by our wonderful listeners.
• 39:18
  We have people sending in telegraphs, carrier pigeons, regular mail, you know.
• 39:27
  Sending in just requests for advice from the three wisest people that they know.
• 39:31
  Absolutely.
• 39:32
  A couple of old wise and sages.
• 39:34
  Yep.
• 39:35
  And so that's what we're going to do next.
• 39:36
  So let's hop into advice.
• 39:37
  How can I help?
• 39:38
  What can I do?
• 39:39
  I want to do a nice thing for you.
• 39:43
  I need help.
• 39:44
  All right.
• 39:45
  Our next advice comes from a listener named Tim.
• 39:49
  He says, today marks five days without alcohol for me.
• 39:53
  I love how I've been feeling, but today I was hit with the urge to have some whiskey
• 39:57
  or beers when that low feeling hit me.
• 40:00
  I'm on SSRIs that do help, but I just wanted to see if anyone who is sober has advice or
• 40:06
  can recommend things that they like to do when they're feeling a bit down to keep their
• 40:11
  mind occupied or distracted.
• 40:13
  First of all, congratulations.
• 40:14
  Five days sober.
• 40:15
  I'm sure they have a chip for that.
• 40:17
  So it's a barbecue lays.
• 40:20
  Cool ranch Doritos.
• 40:23
  Tim, here's what I do when I'm five days sober.
• 40:26
  I go out at night when it's dark.
• 40:28
  I take out the streetlights with a slingshot and rocks.
• 40:30
  I don't want any light being out there.
• 40:31
  What did I do?
• 40:32
  Is I go into people's crawl spaces and I crawl around in their vents and I answer their prayers.
• 40:39
  I crawl right over their bedroom and when they're praying, I speak back to them.
• 40:44
  I answer their prayers.
• 40:45
  And that gives back.
• 40:46
  If you ever feel like you need to feel better or if you ever feel depressed, help somebody
• 40:51
  else out.
• 40:52
  And that's what I do.
• 40:53
  I go and answer people's prayers with a soft, whispery voice coming from the intake vent.
• 40:59
  I give them something, some hope and some faith.
• 41:01
  That certainly is one way to go about it.
• 41:04
  Does anybody ever thank you for that, do you think?
• 41:07
  Oh yeah.
• 41:08
  And mostly they thank me after they go, please leave.
• 41:10
  And I go, okay.
• 41:12
  And they hear me just banging and stomping through their vents and leaving the house.
• 41:17
  Do you ever think you would celebrate with a drink after that?
• 41:20
  I was drinking the whole time in the vent.
• 41:23
  They were like, this house smells like alcohol.
• 41:26
  Why is it God keeps slurring his words?
• 41:29
  It's like a baseball stadium in here.
• 41:34
  And my version of God has a Hispanic accent.
• 41:36
  So it's very fun.
• 41:37
  It's very fun for him.
• 41:39
  Short and sweet.
• 41:40
  What do you all do?
• 41:41
  What would y'all give to Michael?
• 41:43
  I would say, Michael, you need something to fill your time.
• 41:46
  You've spent all this time being a drunk and just drinking nonstop.
• 41:51
  You're five days sober, but you're getting that itch.
• 41:54
  Start a cock fighting ring.
• 41:58
  It's going to take your time.
• 42:00
  You're going to have to organize it.
• 42:02
  You're going to have to find the roosters.
• 42:04
  You're going to have to find the location.
• 42:06
  Plus you might get your little addiction filled with a little bit of gambling.
• 42:10
  It's just going to be something to take up time.
• 42:13
  And you're not going to be thinking about the drink anymore.
• 42:16
  Listen, that's great advice.
• 42:17
  There's no better way to resolve an addiction than replacing it with another addiction.
• 42:23
  People don't realize how much work goes into illegal activities like cock fighting.
• 42:28
  I mean, people automatically assume if you're a cock fight ring master that you're some ne'er-do-well or slacker.
• 42:35
  Like you don't work, but it's a lot of effort that goes into organizing a cock fight.
• 42:39
  I think it's great advice.
• 42:40
  I think how did he get chickens?
• 42:42
  Like how do you think he should start?
• 42:43
  I would say just just go rob a chicken farm.
• 42:47
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 42:48
  I mean, I feel like if they've got a chicken farm, they probably have enough.
• 42:51
  What's one or two missing going to going to really do to their operation as a whole?
• 42:55
  But, you know, just just put those spurs on the end of those roosters.
• 42:59
  And when you just hear them cutting meat in the middle of a fight, you're going to think, man, I'm so glad I didn't didn't turn to the bottle.
• 43:08
  All right, Evan, what advice do you give to Tim?
• 43:11
  The number one way to stop thinking about drinking is you really need to frame drinking in a bad light so that in your mind, you know, when you think of that drink, you think of that sip from that bottle, it doesn't seem as enticing to you because you associate that alcohol with something bad.
• 43:28
  Now, what I think you should do in order to associate it in your mind with something bad is to draw pictures of beer just doing illegal activities.
• 43:37
  Draw a whiskey bottle holding up a bank trying to rob it.
• 43:42
  Draw a nice 12 pack of Bush light cold, cold.
• 43:47
  Just the mountains are just a crisp, crisp 12 pack of Natty light, just massacring a family, just gunning them down in daylight.
• 44:05
  And would you say he should tape them to the walls?
• 44:08
  Well, what I was going to suggest is you package those nice little drawings that you've obviously colored and made realistic.
• 44:16
  You package those up, put them in a piece of mail, mail those to your local politician.
• 44:24
  Maybe just towards the White House and just kind of let them know what you think about alcohol.
• 44:29
  So you can try to, you know, put it in a bad light in their minds, too, and start the cascading effect of getting a gun and for a new prohibition.
• 44:38
  Aren't you? Well, if I can't have it, no one can.
• 44:42
  That's right. That's right. That's I think that's the best way to attack this.
• 44:48
  Those those politicians will think you're trying to attack something. That's great.
• 44:51
  I think I don't know if that'll help them get rid of that. Thought of alcohol or only drive it further as he seems like he's a crazy person to do and taping the picture to his walls with strings going one for one picture to the other.
• 45:05
  And people walk into his house and are like, what? Who is this guy?
• 45:09
  A man drawing a handle of fireball lighting a children's playground on fire is not a thing a crazy person would do.
• 45:18
  It's a sane person. It shows how bad alcohol is.
• 45:21
  Yeah. Damage it does exactly. It frames it in a normal person's mind in a bad light.
• 45:26
  He is trying to stay sober, Zach. He has to get there somehow.
• 45:30
  I apologize. Oh, there you go, Tim.
• 45:33
  Three great pieces of advice to get to help you with your sobriety.
• 45:38
  I am sure that if you try any of them or all of them, you have to know you will drive everybody else to drinking, but you won't drink anymore.
• 45:46
  That's the point of your email. Your friends and family may may turn to the bottle, but you won't.
• 45:54
  All right. This last one is from Linux titled Where Should We Talk?
• 45:58
  Says this girl from Hinge hinted at a date by saying maybe you can take me without me mentioning anything about a date in her second message about recommending a restaurant.
• 46:08
  She isn't able to go the day I mentioned, so I asked her what other weekend would work out and let her pick the day.
• 46:14
  If she messages me back and picks a day, should I ask her what her number is and talk there or keep it on Hinge until we meet up?
• 46:21
  So basically asking prior to his date, should he get her number and text her or just keep talking to her on the dating app?
• 46:28
  Well, congratulations, Linux getting you a date. You should absolutely text her, get her number. Text her 45 times in 10 minutes.
• 46:36
  Just saying number question mark, number question mark, number question mark, number question mark, that for 10 minutes straight.
• 46:44
  As many texts as you can get in, right? She'll give you her number.
• 46:48
  And when she inevitably does because you have driven her insane, take her down to the docks, stay in the shadows, show her crab fishing traps.
• 47:01
  They're not yours, but show them to her. Start free handing crabs right out of that. Tell her facts about the crabs.
• 47:08
  Of course, you don't know anything about crabs because who does? Just make up some facts about the crabs.
• 47:12
  She'll be impressed by your knowledge. She'll be impressed that you seem to only stay in the dark and never come out in the light.
• 47:19
  But that is a great way to get girls. It's a great way to get girls. Never let them see your face.
• 47:25
  And girls just they love crab facts historically.
• 47:29
  I've heard they love all crustacean type facts. You can get a lobster fact in there every now and then.
• 47:35
  Whatever cage you pull up, it doesn't have to be crabs, I guess.
• 47:38
  Just start grabbing, yanking on ropes that are going down into the water and whatever comes up, just give facts about it.
• 47:44
  Who among us hasn't been in a situation where you want to talk to your significant other about something meaningful and important and she's like, no, no, tell me where horseshoe crabs live.
• 47:56
  Tell her that horseshoe crabs are the actual horseshoes and that's what they put on the bottom of horses.
• 48:01
  That's where they get them.
• 48:02
  Literally horseshoe crabs. Tell her that fact. That one's on me. Free for you, Lennox. You have a stupid name.
• 48:07
  I can't believe it's free. My goodness.
• 48:10
  It's so good.
• 48:11
  You know how much I charge for facts? Anyway, that's mine.
• 48:14
  What do you all think Lennox should do to get the girl's number and where should he take her?
• 48:20
  I think he shouldn't get her number. That seems very forward. Send her a note via courier service.
• 48:26
  Don't use the regular mail. You want it to get there fast. Send it via a bicycle messenger.
• 48:32
  When he arrives to her house, just sweaty, drenched in sweat, handing that damp letter to her, says, meet me at the Captain D's.
• 48:42
  Classy place.
• 48:44
  Because you want a place that's intimate and quiet. Nobody's in a Captain D's. There's not even really employees in a Captain D's.
• 48:53
  You've got the place to yourselves. Got just a variety of poorly fried seafood.
• 48:59
  And really, you'll know if she's interested, if she calls you back after that.
• 49:08
  Absolutely.
• 49:09
  Because things can only get better from Captain D's.
• 49:12
  I think Captain D's is a great place to also give crap facts.
• 49:15
  You can also give crap facts.
• 49:18
  Girls love crap facts.
• 49:19
  You say like, you know this thing about coconut crabs though. They actually used to be coconuts.
• 49:24
  When they fell from the tree and hit the ground, they gained sentience and pincers.
• 49:28
  And she's going to be thinking, well, my gosh, I've never heard of that before. She'll be happy to know you.
• 49:33
  Yeah.
• 49:34
  She'll be like, man, look at this guy giving me crap facts as he tears into a poorly fried piece of fish fillet and a hush puppy.
• 49:42
  That may or may not be actual fish.
• 49:44
  Tartar sauce is running down his mouth.
• 49:46
  Sweating. Trying to eat the Captain D's.
• 49:49
  Y'all went in after hours. There's no AC in that.
• 49:52
  No, no.
• 49:53
  I think that's great. I like how we disagreed on whether or not he should ask for a number, but we agreed on seafood's the way to go.
• 50:00
  Everything goes back to crabs.
• 50:03
  Nothing like giving a girl crabs. All right, Evan, what should you do?
• 50:06
  For me, this is a little tougher one, but you have a hard time with women.
• 50:09
  Well, I wouldn't say that. I just have a different thought process.
• 50:13
  OK, when it comes to this, then you do give you guys do.
• 50:16
  Yeah, I don't think a lot about crabs and fish with women.
• 50:20
  What I think about is will this woman make a good partner?
• 50:24
  Is this someone I want to spend my time with? Right?
• 50:26
  Deep, deep. Exactly. Yeah.
• 50:28
  Thank you. Very good.
• 50:31
  So in order to kind of figure that out and kind of on par with other things we've talked about that you want to take this relationship with a test drive.
• 50:39
  You want to test drive this relationship.
• 50:41
  So to do that, you sure you ask for her number.
• 50:44
  And then when you give your number back to her, you give one of your friend's numbers.
• 50:49
  You send her the address for the meetup and it's your friend's house.
• 50:54
  You hook her up with your friend to see if it's worth being in a relationship with her.
• 50:59
  So you kind of monitor their relationship. You put a camera in his house. Sure.
• 51:03
  And watch from bushes. Exactly.
• 51:06
  You see how they interact to see if, hey, is this some this woman someone I kind of want to be with?
• 51:12
  Yeah, go into their vents. Yeah. Answer their prayers. Answer some prayers.
• 51:16
  It's never a bad strategy, especially if you do have a Mexican accent.
• 51:20
  And once you're sure you kind of step in there, throw your friend in the closet, maybe lock them in cask of Amadeo women to the basement.
• 51:27
  You know, brick them up and then she's yours. Absolutely.
• 51:31
  Then then you can pursue her in a relationship that that doesn't seem unhinged at all.
• 51:37
  I told you my advice was way different than yours.
• 51:41
  Because we're all together in this podcast, we need to we need to all be kind of on the same page.
• 51:46
  What crab fact would you would you give when you enter in your friend's house like a superhero?
• 51:52
  Sending with your hands on your hips, you're like, it is me who is your soulmate.
• 51:56
  You need something to stand you apart from your friends. Absolutely.
• 51:59
  Yeah, yeah. I step in and I say, it is me who is your soulmate.
• 52:03
  Blue crabs are this way because when it rains, the blue sky makes them blue.
• 52:10
  That sounds factual, not made up at all. I don't know enough to correct it.
• 52:15
  There you go, Lennox. There's three great ways to win over that girl.
• 52:19
  You will have a wife in no time because you will be like, this is the mate.
• 52:23
  This is my soulmate. Never will you meet a guy that knows so many crap facts
• 52:28
  and takes you to nice restaurants like Captain D's and test drives you with his friends.
• 52:35
  There is some advice from the three wisest men on the planet.
• 52:39
  Listen, you don't have to. Wait, you do have to. You do.
• 52:42
  You do have to do this stuff. If you write in and we tell you advice, you have to do it.
• 52:46
  But it's all for the better. Your life's going to be better because of it.
• 52:49
  I want to clarify one thing on this. Do they have to do all three or do they only have to do one of them?
• 52:53
  I think the clause, not Ukrainian clause, but I think the clause says they have to do at least one.
• 52:59
  At least one. They are able to do all three.
• 53:02
  I think the way we specified is legally they have to do one, but the success rate is tripled when they do all three.
• 53:09
  Right. Yeah. Yeah. So it's in their best interest to do all three.
• 53:12
  It increases exponentially. OK, that makes more sense. I just want to make sure we're all clear on that.
• 53:16
  Yeah, you all have to do it now. So go ahead and write back in. Tell us what the outcome of it was.
• 53:22
  Which one did you pick or did you pick all three? Those are the only options.
• 53:26
  Send us your crab facts. Yeah, we want to hear at least one crab fact.
• 53:31
  Give us a crab fact. Everyone. But anyway, there you go.
• 53:33
  There's a great example of advice if you need advice or you have a hypothetical that you want us to answer.
• 53:40
  Write in. Question will detour podcast at gmail dot com.
• 53:43
  All right, guys, I know we just gave a bunch of wisdom out, but it is tradition to give one liner wisdom.
• 53:48
  And what one liner wisdom do you have? Eyes are the windows to the soul.
• 53:52
  And if you don't clean those bad boys, they get murky and dirty and get dirt all over them.
• 53:56
  Kind of some streaks over here every now and then.
• 53:59
  If you leave the blinds open, you'll get glares on your TV monitor.
• 54:02
  Yeah, I don't think that was wisdom as much as a stream of consciousness from Evan, which you did not want to be in that head.
• 54:10
  Just clean your windows. I guess that's my advice.
• 54:15
  All right, Alan, one liner wisdom.
• 54:19
  Not that anybody's going to top that stream of pure knowledge, but I'll give it a go.
• 54:27
  We all know that orange juice is good, but there are some cups you just shouldn't drink out of.
• 54:34
  Look out for the cups, I guess. Clean cups. Do your dishes, I guess.
• 54:41
  Oh, man. There you go. Wisdom. Wisdom all around. That whole that so much wisdom.
• 54:46
  There you go, guys. You want to be done? Yep.
• 54:50
  Cups like your crotch. That kind of cup.
• 54:55
  That didn't make sense at first, but now it makes sense.