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People Who Get Under Your Skin and What To Do About It With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Everyone, it's Carli here and welcome to you this week's
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Mojo Monday. So some people have a way of getting
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: under your skin. Might be a work colleague, family member,
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  Speaker 1: someone who without fail says something that leaves you feeling
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: kind of off. So it could be like a little dig,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: a subtle comment, nothing that you can quite call out
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: in the moment, but enough to shift your mood completely
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: and suddenly you've gone from my feeling pretty good to
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: replaying that one comment over and over and over in
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: your head. So here's the first thing to understand. It's
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: not just what they said, it's it's the pattern, or
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: it could be a pattern. It's the fact that it
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: catches you off guard, that you don't respond in the moment,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: and so it is kind of unresolved. And that's where
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: most people go wrong because they think the goal is
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: not to feel it, but it's actually not. You don't
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: control the first emotional reaction that you have, that's automatic.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: What you do control is what happens next. Because right
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: now that person isn't just making one comment. You're letting
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: them stay in your head for hours or sometimes days.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: They've made a passing comment and you've turned it into
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  Speaker 1: a full length length feature film. So what can you do?
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  Speaker 1: First of all, expect it if someone has a pattern
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: of making digs or making these passing comments, stop being
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: so surprised by it. Walk into the interaction thinking ah,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: this might happen. It gets you prepared and it also
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: immediately takes the sting out of it. The second thing
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: is to name it, not out loud necessarily, but internally.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: There's one of their comments. It's short, it's neutral, there's
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  Speaker 1: no story because the moment you start analyzing, well, why
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: would they say that, or did it they mean it
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: like that? Or how dare they say that to me?
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Or that really hurt you're hooked. And third, and this
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  Speaker 1: is really important, you've got to close the loop. You
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: can say nothing and accept that, So that's one of
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: your options. You can lightly call it out. You can
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: say something like, well that felt a bit unnecessary, or
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  Speaker 1: you could redirect it. So a good one is to
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: start a sentence with anyway and you change the subject,
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: or if needed, you can be really clear. You could
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: say I'm not engaging with comments like that, and that
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  Speaker 1: kind of means there's no drama, no lecture, You're just
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: it's just kind of calm, clarity, and finally, do not
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: let them live rent free in your head after the interaction,
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: remind yourself this is about them, not me, and then
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: move on put your attention onto other more important things.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Because the real problem isn't that comment. The real problem
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: is really how long you carry it. And there's one
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: more piece to this. And sometimes we keep showing up
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: to people and places that don't feel good, not because
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: we don't have a choice, but because we actually have value.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: So whether it's family or loyalty or history, and that matters,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: because how do you stay without losing yourself in the process.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Because it isn't about cutting people off the moment things
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable. It's about recognizing that you can care about
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: somebody and still protect your own energy. You can stay
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: connected and change how you engage, and you can be
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: present without absorbing everything that it's been said. So instead
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: of asking should I walk away or saying to yourself, right,
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  Speaker 1: that's it, I'm walking away, I'm never seeing them again,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: ask how do I show up here in a way
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: that I respect myself? And that might mean not reacting,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: It might be mean managing your overthinking, not taking on
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: what isn't yours to carry because the goal isn't to
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: control them, it's to make sure that they don't control you.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: Relationships can be really difficult, they can be hard, and
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: if you're not in a position where you want to
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: walk away or whether you can walk away, then I
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: think it's about intentionally managing that relationship, but also managing
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: how you respond to the challenges that it brings. So
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining me this week, and
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  Speaker 1: I will catch you next week. See Y