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Transcript

Going Out Sober in Recovery · Recovering Out Loud

• 0:00
  So I still remember this moment like it was yesterday.
• 0:02
  OK, one of my first times I went out sober.
• 0:05
  I love to party at clubs, I love to dance, I love techno music.
• 0:09
  And there's a club in Toronto that I used to go to a lot and
• 0:13
  do a lot of drugs at and do a lot of drinking at my first
• 0:16
  night out there. I went with a sober buddy of
• 0:18
  mine. We were pre drinking.
• 0:20
  Well, I was attending a pre drink with him.
• 0:22
  It was me, another sober guy and a bunch of other people at
• 0:25
  someone's condo doing a ton of drugs, secretly going in and
• 0:28
  out. You know, we know when people
• 0:29
  are and coke and other drugs, right?
• 0:31
  They're constantly disappearing. They're giving each other those,
• 0:34
  you know, eye winks and movements.
• 0:36
  And now you got the bag. I got the bag.
• 0:38
  And then they're going, right? It was extremely tough for me.
• 0:40
  I still remember like it was yesterday, You know, I felt this
• 0:43
  pit in my stomach, right? I felt this unease, this, you
• 0:48
  know, sweaty palms. There was music bumping, and I
• 0:51
  was riddled with anxiety and fear.
• 0:53
  I didn't want to relapse. I had just come back from four
• 0:55
  months of rehab in Minnesota. I was 23 years old.
• 0:59
  I didn't really want to go, but I pushed myself to do it because
• 1:01
  I knew that I could go out and enjoy things without alcohol and
• 1:05
  drugs. I know that today and I had a a
• 1:08
  counselor that was at the sober house with me.
• 1:11
  He taught me that I could go out dancing and do the things that I
• 1:14
  love without alcohol and drugs. So here's what I learned that
• 1:17
  night. I learned that one, I didn't
• 1:19
  need to have alcohol and drugs to have fun and I couldn't do
• 1:22
  the things that I like. I learned that I actually do
• 1:24
  enjoy techno music. I do enjoy dancing and I'm
• 1:27
  pretty good at it, or at least I think, I think, I don't know,
• 1:29
  ask my wife. But the important thing here is
• 1:32
  getting sober is not about avoiding alcohol, avoiding the
• 1:35
  world, avoiding triggers. It's not about any of that.
• 1:37
  It's about facing that shit and being the person you are, being
• 1:41
  authentic, showing up as yourself, You know, acting silly
• 1:43
  and crazy. If you're silly and crazy
• 1:45
  without alcohol and drugs. Once I figured out that I could
• 1:48
  go into these places that I actually wanted to go to, right?
• 1:52
  You got to make sure that you actually want to be there.
• 1:54
  Your motive is right. Everything changed.
• 1:56
  I learned that I could do hard things in sobriety.
• 1:58
  I could go to places that I wanted to.
• 2:00
  I could dance and, you know, let myself go a little bit and then
• 2:04
  wake up in the morning without a hangover and without regret,
• 2:07
  without having to start over again.
• 2:08
  It's the greatest feeling in the world.
• 2:10
  So in today's episode I'm going to break down how to go out
• 2:14
  without drinking and drugs, where there is probably going to
• 2:16
  be drinking and drugs or maybe just drinking.
• 2:19
  And this is timely for the holidays as well 'cause I know a
• 2:22
  lot of us have a lot of holiday parties, whether it be at work,
• 2:25
  family parties, there's a lot of things that involve alcohol
• 2:28
  where we might have to attend in early recovery or in recovery in
• 2:32
  general. So if you're sitting there
• 2:33
  thinking, how am I going to do this?
• 2:35
  How am I going to be in places where there's alcohol involved,
• 2:38
  people drinking, being stupid, how can I do it?
• 2:40
  I'm going to give you practical tools of how to go through step
• 2:43
  by step, what to do, what I do, what was taught to me and how to
• 2:47
  survive the night sober. How to wake up the next morning
• 2:49
  feeling proud of yourself and how to actually enjoy it
• 2:53
  without, you know, white knuckling it through the night.
• 2:56
  So first up, why the first night out feels so awkward, so
• 2:59
  uncomfortable, so intense for a lot of us.
• 3:02
  And I promise you, it does get easier with repetition.
• 3:05
  It does get easier the more you do it.
• 3:06
  So for me, going out used to be about, you know, it was very
• 3:10
  routine, like right, like pre drink club.
• 3:13
  That's pretty much it to be honest.
• 3:16
  I was able to, you know, once I had a few in me, I was able to
• 3:20
  connect with the people around me.
• 3:21
  I was feeling more confident. I felt a part of, I felt like I
• 3:24
  didn't, you know, I wasn't on the outside.
• 3:26
  I was a part of the community, I was a part of the people that
• 3:29
  were around. So the reason it feels so weird,
• 3:32
  so uncomfortable is first of all, you're not used to it.
• 3:35
  Your body's like, where's the dopamine here, right?
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  I, I'm not getting enough dopamine from just being around
• 3:39
  these people. If anything, I feel more
• 3:41
  anxious, more left out, more on the outside.
• 3:44
  So you're not broken, you're just not used to it.
• 3:46
  Your ritual is like I said, you're used to all this partying
• 3:50
  and drugs and dopamine being flooded in at all times.
• 3:53
  There's usually like a 10 to 30 minute period where the anxiety
• 3:57
  is on level 10 out of 10 and you just got to push through it,
• 4:01
  right? You just got to, you know, call
• 4:02
  somebody if it gets really loud. But I'll get into all of that.
• 4:05
  So second, what I do now is I create a sober ritual that
• 4:09
  actually works, right? So for me, it's soda water.
• 4:11
  So grabbing a soda water, feeling like I have something in
• 4:13
  my hand, cracking it open if I need to pour it in a glass
• 4:17
  because I'm uncomfortable. People asking me why I'm not
• 4:19
  drinking with them, do that. Pour it in a glass, just have
• 4:22
  that in your hand. It feels safe.
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  That's the new signal, the new cue to your brain that
• 4:26
  everything is going to be OK. You're fitting in.
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  No one's looking at you. Don't worry about it.
• 4:31
  So then there's that moment when you walk into any party.
• 4:33
  I'm sure a lot of us can relate to this where you know, you can
• 4:36
  kind of cut the tension with a knife, right?
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  Everybody is still sober. You know, you got the loud
• 4:42
  people that are fitting in and and kind of the glue of the
• 4:45
  party. But there's that awkward moment
• 4:47
  where it's like, you know what's going on here.
• 4:49
  Everyone's kind of like assessing the situation.
• 4:51
  Do I know that person? Who do I know?
• 4:52
  Do I know that person? Who the fuck is that guy?
• 4:54
  Why is he here? Fuck, I haven't seen that guy in
• 4:56
  so long. Oh my God.
• 4:58
  And then there's that moment where your nervous system goes,
• 5:00
  bro, where's the fucking shots? Where's the alcohol?
• 5:02
  Where's that liquid shield, that liquid courage?
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  Acknowledge that. That's your old way of thinking.
• 5:08
  This is the new sober you. You're going to get through
• 5:10
  this. The alcohol was not confidence.
• 5:12
  The drugs were not confidence. It was amnesia.
• 5:15
  It was making you forget about all the feelings numbing the
• 5:18
  pain that you're experiencing wasn't helping you.
• 5:22
  Next, for the people that have been out already in sobriety,
• 5:25
  you will experience this the the classic hey, why aren't you
• 5:29
  drinking? Hey, want a beer?
• 5:31
  Hey, what are you doing? What?
• 5:32
  What is that? What's in your drink?
• 5:33
  What are you drinking? How do we handle that question?
• 5:36
  This will make or break your anxiety level for the next 20-30
• 5:40
  minutes, hour of the night, possibly the whole night.
• 5:43
  I remember one time my wife and I were at Real Sports Bar, which
• 5:45
  is a bar in Toronto with tons of TV's.
• 5:47
  It was before a Leaf game, a hockey game, and I had my soda
• 5:51
  water and my wife had this massive beer in her hand.
• 5:53
  She's not a huge drinker, right? But once in a while she'll like
• 5:55
  to have a beer. And there was a deal on these
• 5:57
  like massive pints of beer. And it looked hilarious in her
• 6:01
  little hand. She was holding it like this.
• 6:02
  And I'm carrying, holding this soda water, this fucking Hammer
• 6:05
  guy comes up to us and he just looks at me and he goes, bro,
• 6:09
  she's having that massive beer and you're drinking this water.
• 6:11
  Like what the fuck is wrong with that?
• 6:14
  Right? Wanted to knock him the fuck
• 6:16
  out. I didn't because I know where
• 6:17
  that leads me. Jail and into fights.
• 6:20
  And when you get into fights, no one wins.
• 6:22
  But I have a clear mindset at this point.
• 6:24
  I had some time under me. I was like 7 years over at the
• 6:27
  time. I don't let those things bother
• 6:29
  me. The other thing too is whenever
• 6:31
  you're at a party and a intoxicated person comes up to
• 6:34
  you and starts communicating with you, it almost you're not
• 6:39
  dealing with a human at that point, right?
• 6:41
  Like I take it for what it's worth, I'm I'm very realistic
• 6:44
  about it. If I'm talking to somebody in
• 6:45
  their out of their mind, high off their ass, drunk off their
• 6:48
  ass, I take everything they're saying with a grain of salt.
• 6:50
  I give them a little more grace. Either I exit the conversation
• 6:54
  or I just let them ramble on. I don't take anything personally
• 6:57
  that they're saying because it's not them.
• 6:59
  It's not them talking. It's the alcohol or the drugs.
• 7:02
  So when that guy tried to embarrass me, presumably in
• 7:05
  front of my wife, I simply just laughed, laughed and said,
• 7:08
  actually, no, I I tried to embarrass him, to be honest with
• 7:11
  you, because yeah, he caught me off guard and I didn't snap at
• 7:14
  him. I didn't, you know, make a
• 7:15
  scene. But I did say like, Oh no, man,
• 7:18
  you know, when I drink, I smoke meth or something smart ass like
• 7:20
  that. You know, I'm in recovery,
• 7:22
  right? I don't recommend that because
• 7:23
  it doesn't make anyone feel good.
• 7:25
  You know, it, he, I was embarrassed.
• 7:26
  I was embarrassed. My wife laughed.
• 7:28
  But sometimes, sometimes those are warranted, right?
• 7:31
  You can put people in their place sometimes, but it
• 7:33
  generally doesn't end up, doesn't end up well for anybody.
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  So what do you say? It's as simple as this.
• 7:39
  Oh, I'm just not drinking. Oh, alcohol doesn't agree with
• 7:42
  me. Oh, I'm allergic to alcohol.
• 7:44
  And chances are people will leave that alone.
• 7:47
  But if they pry and they keep asking, maybe like I say, it's
• 7:50
  time to tell them the truth. Oh, I had to.
• 7:52
  You know, I really struggled with alcohol.
• 7:54
  I think you'll find in most scenarios, people will usually
• 7:56
  leave it alone. Some people will be, some people
• 7:59
  will pry and, you know, because they're uncomfortable, they're
• 8:02
  drinking. And then some people will
• 8:03
  actually open up to you. And then you have a moment to
• 8:05
  be, you know, to Share your story and your experience and
• 8:08
  maybe get a phone number and help them the next day if
• 8:10
  they're struggling. It's a beautiful thing, right?
• 8:12
  Speak your truth unless you're not comfortable doing so.
• 8:15
  It also depends who it is too. If it's some random stranger
• 8:18
  trying to embarrass you, don't pay them any attempt.
• 8:21
  Don't pay them any energy. Just I'm not drinking, simple as
• 8:24
  that. I'm currently not drinking.
• 8:25
  I just don't drink. Don't overcomplicate it.
• 8:28
  All right? Next, find your sober anchor.
• 8:30
  So a person that you trust where and if they're not currently at
• 8:34
  the party, get them on the phone.
• 8:35
  Right where everything starts to spin out.
• 8:37
  You start to feel like drinking. You're remembering the good old
• 8:40
  days. You're getting triggered left,
• 8:41
  right and center. There's cocaine on the table and
• 8:43
  you remember only the good times.
• 8:45
  Lean on that person, call them, talk to them, take a breath, go
• 8:49
  take a walk outside. You got to unload that feeling
• 8:53
  that trigger, you know? And if it doesn't happen in the
• 8:55
  moment, maybe you unload it later that night.
• 8:57
  But don't act on it. Just don't pick up that first
• 8:59
  one. It really is simple and stupid
• 9:02
  and annoying. That is the best advice I ever
• 9:04
  got in early recovery. Just don't pick up the first
• 9:06
  one. So whenever I, you know, I was
• 9:08
  in those situations, I remember one time I was in Jamaica on a
• 9:11
  beach and there was 4, there were four people holding up a
• 9:14
  funnel right to my face. I was two years, three years
• 9:17
  into sobriety. I did the, the meth joke a lot.
• 9:20
  That's kind of my, my go to. Oh, no, If I end up drinking
• 9:23
  that, I mean, in the moment I said, no, I don't drink.
• 9:25
  I don't drink it, it's OK. And then they left me alone.
• 9:28
  But that was really hard for me, right?
• 9:30
  I had to call somebody. I had to call somebody later
• 9:33
  that trip, and it ended up it was my sponsor at the time.
• 9:36
  I had to call him and tell him what happened, you know, because
• 9:39
  it was extremely tough. And if I let that sit in my
• 9:41
  head, I guarantee you I would have relapse on that trip.
• 9:43
  I was there for two weeks. I didn't have one drink.
• 9:46
  OK, If I can do it, anyone can do it.
• 9:48
  You need connection in sobriety. You need people to lean on that
• 9:51
  you can bounce things off of that.
• 9:52
  You can tell them what you're going through.
• 9:54
  You can't do this alone. If you haven't figured that out
• 9:56
  already, come on. I tried to do it on my own for
• 9:59
  so many years. It's not possible in my
• 10:01
  experience. So next after that, the freedom
• 10:04
  of leaving early, this is a blessing a lot of the time,
• 10:08
  right? There comes a point in every
• 10:09
  night where the vibe just shifts, right?
• 10:12
  You know what I'm talking about. When everybody is just past the
• 10:15
  point of no return, there's people that are sloppy, they're
• 10:19
  either falling along or they're coming up to you.
• 10:20
  And man, I love you so much and I'm so proud of you for being
• 10:23
  sober. If they know your story, it's OK
• 10:25
  to leave, right? It's usually in my experience,
• 10:28
  like towards the, you know, 1112, midnight, right, 1:00 AM,
• 10:34
  depending where you are, where the vibe just completely shifts
• 10:36
  and there is nothing for more for me to get out of that
• 10:40
  experience. I've gone, I've showed up, I've
• 10:43
  had good conversation, I've done what I needed to do, whether it
• 10:45
  was supporting a friend's birthday or going to Christmas.
• 10:48
  I said you can leave early. Just be honest about it.
• 10:52
  If it's somebody that you love, go up to them and tell them,
• 10:54
  hey, you know, thanks for having me.
• 10:56
  I'm going to go. Either I'm not feeling
• 10:58
  comfortable or I'm just going to go.
• 11:00
  You don't need to earn your exit.
• 11:02
  Just leave when the energy tells you to leave when it feels
• 11:05
  right. OK, next, the trick that makes
• 11:08
  going out fun again. So you got to find what you like
• 11:11
  doing. For me, it's dancing, good
• 11:13
  conversation. When I go to any party sober,
• 11:15
  those are the two things I go into it.
• 11:17
  I'm going to have good conversation with people
• 11:19
  interesting, you know, deep intellectual conversations or
• 11:22
  just meaningful debates or whatever things that I can learn
• 11:25
  out of. I'm going to learn from this
• 11:27
  experience. I'm going to bring positive
• 11:28
  energy, positive attitude. I'm going to dance, you know,
• 11:31
  enjoy the music, whatever it is for you.
• 11:33
  Find that thing and then go into every party with that intention.
• 11:37
  Set that intention before you go.
• 11:39
  And of course, you know, a lot of you are listening and saying
• 11:41
  dancing. I I need alcohol to dance.
• 11:44
  I need ecstasy to dance. Yeah, I was in that boat for a
• 11:46
  long time. It comes with practice, it comes
• 11:49
  with repetition. You gotta learn how to look like
• 11:51
  an idiot for a bit, or at least be comfortable with thinking
• 11:54
  that you look like an idiot. Most of the time people are too
• 11:56
  drunk to be. No ones watching you dance
• 11:58
  anyways, and if they are, it's their fucking problem.
• 12:01
  You do it enough times, it becomes easier.
• 12:03
  The moment you find fun without alcohol is when things will
• 12:07
  change for you. You just got to stick around
• 12:09
  long enough, ride out the waves and you will find that moment
• 12:13
  where you can just enjoy being you at a party, being with your
• 12:17
  friends. I don't need alcohol to have fun
• 12:20
  anymore. My priorities have changed.
• 12:22
  It all goes back to to like what?
• 12:24
  Your idea of fun maybe wasn't fun.
• 12:27
  Was it fun? You probably wouldn't have come
• 12:29
  into recovery if you were still having fun.
• 12:31
  So next, going home after the night is over.
• 12:34
  This is the greatest feeling. When you get home, you go to bed
• 12:37
  and just you have that feeling of like accomplishment right in
• 12:40
  your heart. You're like, I did the right
• 12:42
  thing. You know, nobody ever regrets
• 12:44
  waking up sober, right? Nobody ever regrets that,
• 12:47
  especially if you had a problem with drinking.
• 12:49
  Nobody ever regrets not drinking the night before.
• 12:51
  There is a stillness, a piece of freedom that comes with doing
• 12:55
  the right thing and staying sober and getting through hard
• 12:58
  things that you didn't think that you could do, pushing
• 13:01
  through perceived limits. It is a beautiful gift.
• 13:04
  I hope you get to experience that.
• 13:06
  Celebrate those wins. Give yourself a pat on the back.
• 13:09
  Hey, I got through that sober. Amazing.
• 13:11
  I can get through anything sober and I truly believe that.
• 13:14
  I've seen people in recovery get through death, divorce, breakup,
• 13:20
  illness, cancer diagnosis. I've seen it all and they don't
• 13:23
  need to pick up a drink. I still remember it like it was
• 13:27
  yesterday. Like I said in the beginning,
• 13:28
  those first nights out sober are really fucking hard.
• 13:32
  But if you can get through them, if you can find somebody that
• 13:35
  you trust to have your back through it, preferably sober or
• 13:39
  you know, not a heavy drinker, it makes it so much easier.
• 13:43
  Rely on other people. You can't do this alone, but you
• 13:46
  can do it. You can get through it.
• 13:48
  So just to recap, find your sober token, your sober ritual.
• 13:52
  For me, it's the soda water. Grab onto that early, you know,
• 13:55
  go with the right intention. Set your intention before you
• 13:58
  go. I'm gonna have fun, I'm gonna
• 13:59
  dance, I'm gonna have a good conversation, whatever that is
• 14:01
  for you. Find that, hold on to it.
• 14:03
  Find your person to stick around with to help you get through it.
• 14:06
  If things start to spiral out of control in your head, have your
• 14:10
  response prepared of I'm just not drinking.
• 14:12
  Keep it simple. Don't overcomplicate, don't over
• 14:13
  explain. You don't need to justify to
• 14:15
  anybody why you're not drinking or doing drugs and then just
• 14:18
  reward yourself. Be proud of yourself for getting
• 14:20
  through it. You can't.
• 14:21
  In my experience, I can't hide from alcohol.
• 14:23
  I can't hide from drugs. I need to go out and experience
• 14:25
  these things to find out who I really am without alcohol and
• 14:28
  drugs. It's a self searching process.
• 14:30
  The whole recovery thing is a self searching, self
• 14:33
  examination, honest self appraisal process.
• 14:36
  It takes time, but it is worth it.
• 14:39
  It's hard work, but it is worth it, I promise you.
• 14:42
  Just stick around long enough to experience that.
• 14:44
  Don't pick up the first one. Call someone before you pick up
• 14:47
  the first drink. May recovery be with you, may
• 14:50
  the force be with you. Whatever you want to use for
• 14:52
  that, find someone to rely on, to trust in.
• 14:56
  Keep in contact with them. Don't go through it alone.
• 14:59
  You know, If you do not feel uncomfortable with your family
• 15:01
  having alcohol drinking, tell them.
• 15:02
  Tell them you know it would be. I prefer if you guys didn't
• 15:06
  drink while I was there just for this time, just for this event,
• 15:10
  whether it's Christmas or any of the holiday that you're
• 15:13
  celebrating, work, party, show up.
• 15:15
  With the right intentions, you can get through it.
• 15:18
  Be honest with yourself. When it's uncomfortable, you can
• 15:21
  leave. If you found this helpful today,
• 15:24
  subscribe follow please. Like that is the best payment
• 15:28
  repayment you could give me. It is the best gift I could
• 15:32
  receive from you. All these tips, all these things
• 15:34
  I've learned have been passed down from the people that came
• 15:36
  before me. I don't claim to be a recovery
• 15:39
  guru or an expert. The only thing I'm an expert in
• 15:42
  is my own disease because I've studied it a long time.
• 15:45
  I've relapsed a lot of times. Become APHD in your addiction.
• 15:50
  That's her only job here. And then when you can be of
• 15:53
  service, be of service. Stay tuned for more episodes.
• 15:56
  Send me a message on something, a topic you'd like me to
• 15:59
  discuss, and then we'll go from there.
• 16:01
  Recovery is simple, not easy. Do not overcomplicate it.
• 16:05
  I love you all. Have a great 24.