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How Desire Comes Back in Midlife · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: My sexy menopause body.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to break.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's something to own with strength.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: It means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Most women think something is wrong with them when the desire fades.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: The real problem, it isn't your body.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's that no one ever told you how desire actually returns.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hey beautiful people, it's Kim and welcome back to my sexy menopause body.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: This is the place where we talk honestly about what's happened in our bodies in midlife without shame, without fixing, and without uh pretending we're supposed to feel the same way we did 20 years ago.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: So today's episode is for the woman who's been quietly wondering why don't I feel that part of me anymore?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Where is that desire?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe even worrying that it's gone for good.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what I want you to know right away.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Desire doesn't disappear in midlife, it just comes back differently.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps slower, perhaps quieter, and often in ways we don't recognize because we're waiting for that old version, that old version from 20 years ago.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: So today I'm excited about this, but today I'm going to show you what's really happening when desire fades and how your nervous system brings it back online and what to watch for so you don't miss those signs that's already returning.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: So there's nothing you need to force, let's start there.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing you need to fix, start there.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just something you need to understand.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: So let's take a deep breath in, settle in, and let's talk about it.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: So when desire comes back slowly, it doesn't knock on the door.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's the first thing.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's going to slip in sideways.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of asking yourself, do I feel desire yet?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to start asking different questions.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, questions like, well, do I feel a little more present in my body lately?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Think about that one.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Or how about, am I a little less numb than I was six months ago?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Or do I enjoy certain moments more than I used to?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's not nothing.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Those answers are not nothing.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Those answers are everything.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Those answers, it's desire often showing up as first as kind of aliveness, if you will, not arousal.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And let me say that again.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's going to show up as aliveness, not arousal.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: It might be the way music hits you differently.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: If you haven't danced in a while and all of a sudden you hear a song and your body feels like it wants to dance, ah, guess what?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's desire.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's desire coming back.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's aliveness coming back.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Or how about the way you suddenly want the lights on instead of shutting them off?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Or the fact that you care again about how you feel in your clothes, or how your body moves through space.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: These are signs your nervous system is thawing.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: And here's something important.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: If you rush this part, you're going to shut it down.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: So desire doesn't respond to pressure.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: It responds to safety.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: So don't rush it.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And otherwise you're going to shut it down.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: So when you notice even the smallest flicker, whether it's curiosity, warmth, openness, uh, your your job is not to interrogate it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Your job is to protect it.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: That means you don't say, why don't I feel this time?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't I feel this way all the time?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Or you know, you don't want to say, also, what's wrong with me?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what's wrong?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Why isn't my desire stronger than this?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't want to say, I should be further along on this than I am right now.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Instead, I want you to say something quietly and internally.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: When you feel those little flickers, you know what I want?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to say, Oh, there you are.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: I've been looking for you, looking for you for a very long time.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: And sit in that moment, and then I want you to support that moment.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to recognize all of your body symptoms at that time.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then ask yourself, what was it that triggered it?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, support may look like, you know, staying in the moment instead of just rushing ahead.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: It might mean letting, you know, a hug last a few seconds longer.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: We talked about that in one of the previous podcasts.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: How hanging on to that hug a little longer is such a beautiful, beautiful feeling.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or it might mean choosing comfort over performance.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop asking desire to prove itself.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just let it come.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about how to work with your body and not against it.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: So the first one, obviously, we just talked about is recognition, notice of when it happens.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I want you to say this clearly: you cannot think your way back into desire.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot go back 20 years and start evaluating the way your life was.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: So you cannot think your way back into desire.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Let it go.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's over.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's time to move on.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: You have to experience your way back.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: And what do I mean by that?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: That means like letting your body lead.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Your body will be triggered by different things today.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: If your body wants slow, give it slow.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: If your body wants laughter, follow that.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: If your body wants rest, honor that.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: So you see, desire comes back fastest when it doesn't feel like a job, when you don't make it such a big deal.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just recognize the smaller signs and it will grow.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: One woman told me that uh her turning point wasn't a romantic moment at all.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: It was when she stopped apologizing for needing space and started trusting her timing.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: So that's when her body began to relax or feel good again or feel enough again.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: So let me offer you something simple to try.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Not as homework, but as curiosity.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: So for the next week, I don't want you to look for desire.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I want you to look for?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to look for comfort.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I want you to notice when do I feel most at ease with my body?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Is it in the morning?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Is it after I take a shower?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Is it at the end of the day?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: What moments do I feel nourishing instead of feeling completely drained?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Those are important moments.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: So what are your nourishing moments?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: What is when is your body saying, hmm, I feel really good right now?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: And also ask yourself, who do I feel the safest around?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what are those moments?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Not only who, but when are those moments?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: What are you doing at those moments?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'll tell you what, something I have recognized is that comfort really is kind of the soil.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Desire grows up from that.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: And if you want one tiny little experiment this week, once a day, I want you to place your hands somewhere on your body, whether it's your chest, your arm, your leg, and just stay there for a breath or two.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: No agenda, no fixing, just presence.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: That alone tells your nervous system, hey, guess what?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm listening.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're thinking and listening, and I I still don't feel desire like I used to, I want you to reframe that question or that statement immediately instead of asking when will it come back?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Ask what is already returning.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because desire doesn't come back in as fireworks, not like it did in your 20s.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know what it comes back in?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: It comes back in as trust, as warmth, as willingness, as the courage to feel good again.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that means you're not behind, you're exactly where you're supposed to be today.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Your body, I know we've heard this a million times.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Your body's not broken, it's just rebuilding, and that should feel so good.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: So we're all in the same boat right now.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Our body is rebuilding, and if you let it move at its own pace, without pressure, without shame, desire will meet you there.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so before we end today, I want to leave you with this.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you've been waiting to feel desire again, please stop waiting for it to arrive as something dramatic or obvious.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Stop measuring yourself against your old version of, you know, that you lived in in a different season 20 years ago, whatever it is.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Stop measuring yourself against your body today as your body 20 years ago.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Your nervous system is different today than it was also 20 years ago.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of instead of all these things, I want you to start noticing what is returning.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: What are those moments you feel a little more present in the moment?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: The moment you feel comfort instead of tension, when do your shoulders start to relax?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: When do you start to feel just totally, completely happy with in your present moment?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: What are those moments?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And the moment you laugh more easily or stay in that longer hug a little bit longer, those are those small moments that come back that that fuel or that feed that desire.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because guess what?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: All those are not nothing.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's what your body's doing, it's rebuilding trust.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: And here's what I want you to try this week.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Again, not as homework, not as pressure, just as awareness.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I want you to pay attention to when your body feels the safest, like I said, when you feel most at ease.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: And even when you catch that smallest flicker of warmth or curiosity, don't question it, don't rush it, just be there.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because you know what?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Desire, like I said, doesn't respond to force, it responds to patience, kindness, and safety.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, even if right now, if you're thinking to yourself as you're listening to this, well, I'm not there yet, please hear me clearly.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: You're not behind.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: You're in the middle of a very human return.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't come back.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: Desire doesn't come back like it does in the movies.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Movies sometimes can ruin our lives, can't they?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: It will come back, but like I said, it comes back as trust slowly and quietly and right on time.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: So, thank you so much for being here with me today on my sexy menopause body.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: And again, if this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: You never know who needs permission to slow down and feel great again.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll see you next time.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Until then, be gentle with yourself because guess what?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Your body is listening.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't the beginning.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's a whole new beginning.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to own your hour.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite the rules.