Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why is it so hard to leave a narcissist?

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Why is it so hard to leave a narcissist? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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So how long or how many times does it take to leave a
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narcissist or to leave an abusive, toxic relationship?
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That's what we're talking about today.
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Yeah. That's the question that we're
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hammering away at this morning because I get, I get this
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question a lot, actually get a variation, this exact question
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or a variation of it. A lot of times in my comment
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section, a lot of people ask me like, well, Lee, how long does
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it take to leave? I've left three times.
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Lee, how long does it take to leave?
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I've left eight times. How long does it take to leave?
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I left 10 times. I was like, first of all, it
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takes as long as it takes. But statistically they've done,
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they yeah, they've done, they've calculated, they've done numbers
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on this. It takes on average, a survivor
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of domestic violence or toxic relationship dynamics takes them
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seven times to leave 77. It takes them seven times to get
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on up out of there for good, right?
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And again, that's the average and on average of seven times.
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So y'all know how we get averages?
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Even when I gave y'all the the comments I gave you a way to get
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to the average. I said three times, I said 8
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times, I said 10 times in total. That's 21 times.
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You divide that 21 by three, you get an average of room 7 seven
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times so that it takes every look and that seven times can be
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stretched over a can be stretched, it can be stretched
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out. It does not have to be today,
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tomorrow, 7 times and the same day.
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It can be 7 * / a course of years, decades even, right?
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And again, for some people it's one and done.
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For some people, it's some people it's one and done.
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You, you, you lead that first time you had you, you've had
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enough. You like, you know what I'm out
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of here, right? And for some people it might
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take you 13 * 13 + 1 is 14 / 2 is 7.
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So I know, I know most people want to be on the average on, on
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the lower end, right? You don't want to be at, you
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don't want, you don't want to be the one of the ones that raise
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the average, right? Because it takes some people a
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very, very long time to get out of this types of relationship.
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Like some people it takes them a very long time.
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Like like Miss Katz said, it took me about four times to
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leave. I left three times and came
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back. I left the 4th time and never
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returned. It is absolutely horrifying to
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live under the roof of a narcissist.
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Yeah, it can. It absolutely can be.
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You know, it absolutely can be. And you're welcome.
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It absolutely can be like So Miss Katz said it took her seven
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times. Our next person, Megan Rose says
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I have stayed away for three years, but I have been planning
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throughout the five years while I was in the touch relationship
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to get out, especially once he put his hands on me.
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So she was planning on leaving for a while.
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So that's seven times right there, right?
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Can take a long time or it could take one good time, right?
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It could take a, we could take one good concentrated effort in
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order to make it happen. One good concentrated effort.
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And sometimes that will that will be all that is needed right
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there. You know what I mean.
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What's going on April morning? Sometimes your body leaves
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before your heart and your mind Be strong.
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It took me one time because the mental abuse was that bad. 25
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year friendship going after two years of dating.
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Good riddance. Oh I'm I can do a longer video
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on it right there. You put me.
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I was in a friend zone for 25 years.
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You'll get a very toxic, narcissistic person if they feel
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like you looked over them for two 2 1/2 decades, they got
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something for you. They got something mixed up nice
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and they they got some mixed up nice and nice and warm for you.
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And it ain't a pot of grits. It's not a pot of grits.
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So like she just said, took her two years overtime.
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It took somebody, it can take somebody else one time.
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Oh, after 20 years, after 30 years, I've had people tell me,
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Lee, I've never tried to leave before.
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I've been married for 40 years, 40.
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It's hard. Yeah, 40 years.
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They got kids, grandkids, great grandkids.
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They Yeah, their lives are so intertwined.
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Even if they get divorced, they're still be, they'll still
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be connected. They got great grandkids.
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They've created generations. You said that they've created
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generations of people. They've created generations of
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their family. They're going to be around for a
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while. You know what I mean?
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That's the way it goes. But that's how it goes in a lot
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of these relationship dynamics. Yep, the friend turned lover is
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the worst. Yes, especially if they're
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narcissistic because how dare you put me in a friend zone for
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25 years. You overlooked me for 25 years
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and thank you. And you have the audacity to
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think that I'm going to treat you good.
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Really. That's serious.
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That's the mindset did you get with some toxic narcissistic
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people right there. So I, I feel like it takes as
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long as it takes. Don't rush the process.
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If you're not ready to leave. Sometimes you just not ready to
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leave. So sometimes if you're not ready
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to leave and then you leave only the knowing that you're pretty
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much going to go back. That means that that
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narcissistic person is not going to take you seriously.
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They're not going to take you seriously about leaving or, or
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they do. And when you come back, they
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treat you worse because they think you have one foot out the
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door right now because you've left before.
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I feel like you have one foot out the door.
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So I don't trust that you're going to be here with me.
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So I'm going to treat you as such.
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I'm going to treat you like you're going.
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I'm going to treat you like the possibility stands that you can
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leave me at any moment because you can't.
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You've left before, so I'm going to treat you like I'm going to
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have one foot in, one foot out the door.
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That's what happens to a lot of people like once you leave and
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if you do go back, they treat you differently yes, can
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sometimes they treat you good at first when you go back yes, some
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of them can treat you well if you go back because.
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But think about it like this. Anybody can behave for a short
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period of time. Anybody can be on their best
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behavior for a short period of time, right.
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So that's what I'm saying Sometimes when you go back it,
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it could be good for a little while, but eventually it's going
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to go back to what made you want to leave in the 1st place.
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Eventually it's going to make you want to stay.
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Take a step back and just realize that you should have
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left and not came back. That's what ends up happening in
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a lot of these relationship dynamics.
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Right, right. You can go back and they, they
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might treat you good. They might beg you to come back.
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Please, they'll be like please, please, lady of lust, please,
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please come back. I treat you, I treat you better
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than I ever have. Watch please, please, please,
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and you go back. They treat you good for a little
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while and then they right back to the same behaviors that made
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you want to leave in the 1st place.
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You see what I'm saying? That's what be going on, what's
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going on, what's going to go. But this what ends up going this
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what ends up happening to so many people.
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Don't feel ashamed because so many people go through it.
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I promise you. And also being realistic that
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shame sometimes can make you feel can make you stay longer
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because sometimes you stay long. You sometimes this when I'm
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doing my one on ones over Zoom, right.
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I talked to so many people who have so much shame.
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They stayed, right? That's so much shame.
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And what had happened and what had went down.
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They, they, they decided to stay in the relationship because of
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it. They were like, well, Lee, I've
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already been with this person for 30 years.
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It just looks stupid if I left now.
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I just feel silly. If I left now, Wow, I gave him
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30 years. Why would I leave?
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I gave him 40 years. I'll give him five years.
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It doesn't have to be that loan. I gave him five years.
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I'll give him 10 years. Why would I leave now?
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We have kids, we bought businesses, we've done this,
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we've done that. Like I just feel weird for
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leaving right now. Why would I leave right now?
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I don't have a reason to leave right now.
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I don't, I don't feel right. Leave it and so many people go
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through that right there. I promise you that's what ends
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up happening to so many people. That's what ends up going on in
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the minds of so many people that are dealing with these toxic,
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abusive people right, yes. What goes up must come down like
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the stock market. That's what ends up happening
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right there, y'all and then you so it's so right, right there,
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the sunk cause fallacy when so many people feel like you got so
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much time already spent in it. Well, I already got some.
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I already got five years in it. I can give them a little bit
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more time. I don't want to waste.
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I don't want to feel like I wasted 30 years.
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I'm going to stay, you know, I don't want to feel like I wasted
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354010 too. I don't Yeah, some people I I
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just feel like it's been 3 months.
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I don't want to waste my three months Like what?
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3 months? Like what?
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You don't want to waste 3 bucks? Like, come on now.
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What are we talking about 3 bucks?
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What's going on? Three, yeah.
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And that just shows you they know how to act, right?
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They just don't want to. That's absolutely true.
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Buxton Mermaid. That's absolutely true.
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If you leave them, right? If you want to leave a
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narcissistic person or just an abusive person overall, right?
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And they all of a sudden switch to being on their best behavior.
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Like if they switched, if they automatically switch to being on
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their best behavior without you having to tell them what to do,
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that does go to show you that they could have been behaving
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the entire time. They just chose not to.
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It goes to show you that they could have been acting right the
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entire time. They just chose not to.
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They were just treating you badly because they wanted to,
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right? And that should give you more.
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That should actually give you more reason to leave because
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they know how to behave. They just been choosing not to
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be. They just been choosing the
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opposite way. They've been choosing the wrong
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way because of it. You see what I'm saying It says
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I had my narcissist the husband served divorce papers in 20 in
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November 24 and he has drug it out not producing documents has
9:51
control of all finances. Yeah, there's because they heal
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me. How dare you.
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How dare you serve me divorce papers when I control the
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finances. They're not going to make it
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easy, yo. Most of them won't make it easy
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on you. Some of them just like
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disappear, but most of them won't make it easy on you.
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So even if you're ready to leave, right, even if you're
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ready to leave you, even if you made that decision, then it only
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takes you one time to leave. They don't want you to leave.
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They don't make it. They're going to make it very
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difficult. They're going to make it, see.
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They're going to make it seem like it's easier to just stay
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with me than it is to leave. They're going to make you make
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the decision right there. It's easier to stay with me in
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this relationship than it would be to leave and try to find
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somebody else. I'm going to make your life a
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living hell, so you might as well.
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I'm going. If you leave me, I'm going to
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make your life a living hell where you don't know what's
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coming. But if you stay with me, I'm
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going to make your life is your life is already a living hell.
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Then at least you can predict my behaviors a little bit.
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At least you know what you're going to get.
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They want to exhaust you into giving up, into giving in,
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Right? I'm so sorry you're going
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through that. Yeah, I'm sorry too.
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It is tough. Me leaving and choosing myself
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over being abused, constantly humiliated demeanor, all kinds
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of stuff. Cost me my freedom.
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Get you locked up. Oh, no, that can happen too.
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I'm just telling you so many people about this is not me
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trying to say anything negative about you to go.
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I promise. But so many people in these
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relationships, you end up losing yourself and you end up doing
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things that you might not have ever done before in these
11:14
relationships to survive or to thrive or whatever the case may
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be. And that's what ends up going
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on. You know, you leave, you try to
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survive, and then they get you locked up.
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You, you, you, you react to something that they have done
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and they press charges. And you might look, the crazy
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thing about it is you might have been able to press charges so
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many times before in the past, but you chose not to or they
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talked you out of it. And then as soon as the shoe is
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on the other foot, they try to get your ass locked the hell up.
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They try to get you locked up. I leave.
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I have to leave in secret. The plan?
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Have a support. If you don't, if you don't go.
11:46
If you don't, you got to join Lead support group.
11:48
Oh, yay. Are you my support group?
11:49
You might have a different name on here.
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I do that. Yeah, I do have a support group.
11:54
You can find mysupportgroup@mentalillness.net.
11:58
I have to scroll across the bottom of the screen.
11:59
Mental illness.net. We do private Zoom meetings like
12:02
we're doing right now. A bunch of people, we do private
12:04
zoom meetings every week at least once or twice a week.
12:07
Y'all private zoom meetings that are not recorded.
12:10
You can get your questions answered.
12:11
You can meet people that are going through the exact same
12:13
thing you're going through literally the mental illness
12:16
group, the mental illness. He's got the mental healer show.
12:18
I have one on Facebook too. But like I said, I have AI have
12:21
a support group that's off of Facebook where we do private
12:24
zoom meetings and all kinds of stuff.
12:25
You get my e-mail address, talk to me personally.
12:27
We we do a lot of different things.
12:28
Y'all in the group. It's a great group.
12:31
So you might be in the group too.
12:31
You got a different name. I can't see a picture.
12:34
See, there you go right there. Oh, the mental illness podcast.
12:38
Thank you, April. I've recorded 4 episodes for the
12:41
mental illness podcast. Y'all, I've recorded 4 episodes
12:44
for the mental illness podcast. Actually, this channel, the
12:48
channel name is going to change from mental illness to the
12:50
mental illness podcast on YouTube.
12:52
So you're going to see the name switch up here pretty soon as
12:55
well, y'all. So the name is going to change
12:57
because I'm starting to do more interviews and share more
12:58
people's stories, people about how people are leaving the
13:01
touch, relationship dynamics, y'all like I'm, how can I do it
13:06
right here? I'm going to share my screen
13:07
with y'all right here so I can y'all this right here.
13:12
Y'all see this right here. This is literally the interviews
13:15
I've done so far. This is Thomas I talked to
13:17
Luella, Natalie and Taylor all sharing their stories about
13:23
survivor surviving and thriving. Talmage is a a coach.
13:27
He the amazing creator. Louella survived the toxic
13:30
relationship, very violent toxic relationship.
13:34
Natalie's story is wild. Taylor's story is you'll hear
13:39
Taylor's story. But what the hell.
13:40
So the mental illness podcast. I've already recorded 4 episodes
13:43
y'all, I'm just about to my editor is about to start working
13:45
on them to get them out. I haven't I haven't put I
13:48
haven't put it out yet. It says not not not Najiba.
13:50
I haven't put it out yet, but it is coming.
13:54
It is coming soon. Just so y'all know the mental on
13:56
this podcast is dropping soon. Just be ready for it.
14:01
If you want to. If you want to be on the podcast
14:03
and get interviewed, I'm going to drop the I can drop the link
14:06
right here in the comments right here.
14:08
Y'all, I'll drop the link right here in the comments, so you get
14:11
like I say, so you can apply for it tell you feel your story out
14:15
on here and whatnot and then, like I say, it looks like this.
14:17
You can feel your story out and I'll probably reach out to you
14:20
in a little bit. Like I haven't went through them
14:22
and I haven't went through them in a bit.
14:23
I had like I had 115 of them come through the last few days.
14:26
I'm going through them now. I saw somebody name come up
14:29
here, Stevie. I saw.
14:32
I see. I think you emailed me too.
14:34
I'll get back with you. I'll get up with you.
14:37
Yeah, check it out. Y'all gonna be on the Mitchell
14:38
Hill this podcast. It's not just about narcissistic
14:41
abuse, though. Y'all just being realistic.
14:43
It's not just about narcissistic abuse.
14:46
It's going to be about you and Share your story about dealing
14:48
with your own mental health, your own triumphs in life.
14:50
Like how much isn't talking about narcissistic abuse.
14:53
He's talking about toxic work environments.
14:56
He's talking about his own story of having suicidal ideations and
15:00
surviving it and thriving after that he did with his own mental
15:03
health and depression and things like that.
15:05
So it's not just about narcissism.
15:07
Now, there's survivor stories on there.
15:08
The other three people I talked to are telling survivor stories,
15:12
survivor surviving thriving stories, right, surviving
15:16
thriving stories. So we're going to do that right
15:18
there. I would really love to.
15:20
I'm in NC Monarch weird case. My my is an art weird case.
15:24
You in North Carolina. I'm doing hey, I'm I'm doing
15:26
them in in I'll I'm if you're in North Carolina, I'm doing in
15:29
person interviews here starting pretty soon in North Carolina in
15:34
in Hillsboro. I know I don't know what part
15:35
you're in. I'm in like Durham, Hillsborough
15:37
and whatnot. So if you're in that area, just
15:42
I'm doing in person stuff too. I got a camera, I got my lights,
15:44
I got everything you did. I was just ready to go.
15:47
I just had to get it, had to get it moving and whatnot.
15:53
Love that you're doing this. Yes, my story is crazy.
15:56
Appreciate it, appreciate it, appreciate y'all.
15:57
That's what I'm doing. I just want I want more because
15:59
I've been talking about narcissism for five years and
16:01
I've helped is it helped me reach millions of people.
16:04
But I think the next step, the next iteration of mental illness
16:07
is covering all mental health dynamics.
16:09
You know what I mean? Depression, anxiety, ADHD,
16:12
autism, borderline sociopath, sociopathy, psychopathy, any
16:18
type of mental health, bipolar, any type of mental health issue
16:23
and whatnot. Mental health struggle, not
16:26
issues, struggle. That's what I'm here for talk
16:28
about as well. Or you can tell you can Share
16:31
your story about surviving a toxic relationship dynamic.
16:33
It's all about it's about everything, you know, it's all
16:36
about everything and whatnot. So that's what's going to be
16:39
happening y'all. So Mitchell, the podcast is
16:41
coming soon. Anyway, I do need to hop off
16:45
here. Today's my recording day.
16:47
I have a I have a one-on-one. I got to hop on in the next few
16:49
minutes. But today's my recording day.
16:51
I have a bunch of videos I have to get recorded for my from
16:55
actually just for my podcast, my channel and stuff like that.
16:57
So again, y'all thank y'all for tuning in today, like I said,
17:00
mental illness.net and scrolling across the bottom of the screen,
17:03
mental illness.net for all things Lee hammock, everything
17:07
you want to know about Lee, everything you can find about
17:09
Lee mental illness.net. And yeah, shoot me an e-mail,
17:13
like shoot me an e-mail mentalillness.net.
17:16
Y'all be safe, take care of yourselves, take care of each
17:20
other, and as always, y'all, as always, the hill, this is out
17:23
peace. I'm super grateful for all of
17:25
y'all too. Y'all gratitude.