Latest / Libido Lounge / Why You Can't Tell Your Husband What You Want Part 1 with James Bullard

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Why You Can't Tell Your Husband What You Want Part 1 with James Bullard · Libido Lounge

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Communication is always such a tricky topic to try to navigate.
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It's so much easier to say no because that's a wall.
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Whenever you say yes and you invite something in, that is inviting the vulnerability that
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comes with it.
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There is an element of risk that can be very scary and the human brain is wired for
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familiarity and safety.
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So what is the opposite of the thing you don't like?
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Conflict is communication.
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It doesn't have to be a fight.
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Hi, everyone.
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Welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge.
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I have a special treat for you today because one of the things that we find so much in love,
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in relationships, in intimacy, and especially in our long term relationships, is that we're
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creatures of habit.
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And so many times we go through the days, the weeks, the months, the years, doing the same
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thing over and over again, kind of on autopilot, and we become really familiar with
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what we don't want, what we don't like.
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And oftentimes, we express these things to ourselves, to our friends, to our partner over
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and over again.
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But what's really interesting, and this comes up a lot in how to maintain a healthy
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relationship, how to fell deeply in love with your partner again, and and with many of the
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topics that come up on this show, one of the root things that that we see is that it's
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difficult for people to oftentimes name, even identify what they do want in their own lives,
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in their relationships, and more.
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And that's why I invited James Bullard over at the Radical Joy podcast to come and join me
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today.
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I did a great episode with him recently and just absolutely love what he's doing over
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there.
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So I invited him to talk to us today about a lot of things, but but primarily, how do we
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really begin to know deeply, especially when our wants change over time, how do we begin to
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know what we really want?
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Our dreams change, our desires change, and how do we begin to bring this into our
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relationships where we can start talking about it in a way that helps us navigate what we want
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and helps us in relationship get more of what we both want in a way that doesn't make the
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other person feel bad or like they're doing something wrong or that kind of thing for not
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giving us what we say have wanted maybe for a long time.
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So James, thank you so much for being with here being here with me today on the lounge.
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Absolutely.
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I was very excited for the opportunity, especially to cover a topic like this.
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This is always so fascinating to me to watch.
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Communication is always such a tricky topic to try to navigate.
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And the more we know about it and the more direct we can be with kindness and candor, I
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think the better off we'll all be moving forward.
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Oh, absolutely.
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And it's a really interesting topic to get into, right?
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Because I feel like, you know, it's kind of like in medicine, one of the things that comes
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up in medicine is stress and cortisol, and it's one of these things that high level people
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know, stress is bad, communication is good.
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So the idea that communication is necessary and that we need to oftentimes ask what we want,
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these aren't hard concepts, but sometimes the hardest things are actually the least
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complicated.
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So Yes.
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Tell us a little bit about your background and what made you focus so much on joy, on
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communication, on everything we're gonna talk about today.
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Sure.
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I have a huge background in performance.
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I lived in New York for almost twenty years and I did a lot of performing there, touring all
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over the world with my band, having a really nice time with that.
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And we were sort of facilitators of joy and it wasn't just about the performance, it wasn't
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just about what we could do on the stage, was about meeting the people afterwards and finding
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out more about who they are and what made them tick and the more we got to sort of connect the
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more I realized like okay, this is really something everyone could benefit from doing.
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So I started sort of focusing more on speaking and leadership, creativity and connection and
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now I do a lot more of that in both the corporate and the personal spheres because that
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is something that everyone seems to want and crave so deeply and it seems such a natural
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process that people don't understand that sometimes it needs just a little bit of finesse
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to sort of get it to a place where it feels comfortable and healthy and so we work on those
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kinds of things together so we can communicate more clearly, make those connections, and make
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that communication more, I don't know, facilitating for the dynamics that we've built
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between each other, whether it's in professional or personal basis.
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So with everything that you've studied and everything that you've seen on stage, off
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stage, let's kinda go to the root of why this happens.
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Why do we become so fluent in what we don't want, and not oftentimes as fluent in what we
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do?
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Can you kinda drop us into the why this even happens?
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Sure.
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From everything that I've seen and everything that I've experienced, it's so much easier to
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say no because that's a wall.
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Whenever you say yes and you invite something in, that is inviting the vulnerability that
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comes with it.
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Whenever you make a border or a boundary, that protects you from whatever is on the outside of
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it.
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Whenever you express a desire, a want, a need, something that you know or are very curious to
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see what changes whenever you invite something new or different into that, there is an element
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of risk that can be very scary and the human brain is wired for familiarity and safety.
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It is very much if this is not familiar, this is clearly a threat which is from thousands and
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thousands of years ago.
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We experience very few dangers in day to day life especially when it comes to these dynamics
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between person, know, these interpersonal moments and so it is far easier to say, well I
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don't like that.
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Great, so what is it you do like?
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Well I know I don't like that.
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Okay, great.
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So it's a great starting point.
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What I do with my point of view is usually write down as many x as you could possibly
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imagine and then as a starting point and then our square two is we flip every single one of
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those a 180.
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Okay great, so what is the opposite of the thing you don't like?
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And so when you just start looking at the opposites of it, now that is not even close to
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the final product but what it does is it turns it on its head so you can look at it a little
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bit more closely, a little bit more neutrally because you haven't told me what you've liked,
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you haven't said what you wanna try, what you said is the opposite of what you know you
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don't.
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And so we've presented it in a framework that still makes it feel safe because it's just on
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the other side of that coin of don't want, it's on the other side of a block instead of a gate
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that lets something in that could potentially be unfamiliar.
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Okay.
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So let's break this down a little bit more.
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If I'm in, you know, I'm with my partner, right, or if anybody's with their partner, and
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they're gonna do this exercise, and they're gonna say, okay, well, you know, when it comes
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to their relationship, what do they not like?
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And maybe they don't like that their partner snores, or maybe they don't like that their
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partner wakes up so early, or stays up so late, or maybe they don't like that their partner
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chews with their mouth open, or whatever it is.
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Right?
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So they write down their I don't likes.
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And then so are you saying, like, let's say if it's like, oh, I don't like that my partner
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snores, then on the like quadrant, then they would write what?
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I like sleeping without snoring?
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I love sleeping without snoring.
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I like my partner when he uses a CPAP, when he puts one of those clips on his nose to make
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sure that he gets enough air coming through his passageways.
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I like occasionally asking him to sleep on the sofa or I sleep on the sofa.
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It's finding the point where we can all be okay with it.
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Because this is not something you can bring up to someone because you're afraid of hurting
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feelings, you're afraid of crossing a boundary, or you're afraid of asking something of someone
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that is simply not possible.
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Snoring is one of those things where this is a deeper issue, this is a physiological
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something, this could be apnea, this could be a condition, and that's not something that's like
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a habit, it's something that is part of your partner and you have to find a way to either
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move past it or figure out what it is in the realm of compromise that we can both reach.
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So then what I hear you saying, and like and stop me if I'm wrong here, is that are you
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differentiating the word like from the word want?
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Where it's like, okay, if you were saying something like, Well, I like my partner when he
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sleeps on the couch sometimes, or She sleeps on the couch sometimes.
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In that scenario, are we saying that's different than want, and then we would take it
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a step further, or where are we getting into the want?
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Can you
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walk I think through we can literally walk it through every single one of these steps.
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What is a deal breaker?
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What is a preference?
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What is this thing that's just annoying just because I've had too much coffee today and I
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wanna throw them into traffic?
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You have to make these levels and discernments.
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Because some of these things are just like, if you do this one more time, this is going to be
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a situation where we're going to have to have a very serious conversation, one I don't want to
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have.
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But it has gotten to a point where I simply cannot deal with it anymore.
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Snoring is one of those things, yeah, it's not pleasant, but there are so many solutions for
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that.
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Whether it's an appliance or an apparatus or somebody wears earplugs or somebody you get a
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bigger bed.
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You get a better mattress or a different, like, pillow.
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There are solutions here.
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It's not a deal breaker until this is something that has no path forward.
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Great.
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There are so many things we can try with this.
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We can speak to professionals, we can talk to medicals, like there are a million ways that we
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can do it.
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Snoring is a great example because there are a million ways that you can approach that.
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That is a river that has a million ways over, across, around, and through.
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Something that is like, I don't love it when you say disrespectful things to me in public.
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I don't like it whenever you come home with something for me that is the same gift you've
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gotten me for the last fifteen years for an anniversary or a birthday.
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I don't like that you're not a babysitter for the child, you are a parent.
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This is the kind of thing that comes across as very specific and needs a very direct line of
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communication because this is Conflict is communication.
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It doesn't have to be a fight.
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It just needs to be one of these things that this is a non negotiable.
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I have reached a point where I can no longer stomach this and I need us to talk about this
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as two adults who want to find a solution that is equitable for all, and that we can all
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benefit from something different happening.
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So one of the things when we were talking a little bit and emailing back and forth offline
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that you had mentioned was that most people spend absolutely no time analyzing what they
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want out of a relationship.
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And that really hit me just because of how right on I think that is.
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It's so easy that we just, like, go into relationships.
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And and sometimes in relationships, like, coaching and these sorts of things, it's talked
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about, like, high level, like, okay, make sure you have value alignments.
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Right?
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Make sure that you want kids or you both don't want kids.
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And, you know, so there's things that are talked about like high level.
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And I think in a fairly good amount of people, if they're lucky, they at least talk through
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some of these things.
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Do we want kids?
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Do we not want kids?
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Do we wanna live by the beach?
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Do we wanna live by the mountains?
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And then other times, I'm sure that's not even discussed at all.
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So what I'm hearing and what you're saying is is a lot of this is talking like much more
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micro than people actually probably ever get into before and during their relationship about
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what they actually want out of the relationship.
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So, is this how people do that?
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Is this how they analyze their relationship?
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Are there other steps?
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Are we starting at the right point?
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That really the first step?
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Name what you don't want and then go from there?
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I want to take a quick break from my episode to say sometimes a simple trial of something novel
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goes haywire and can send havoc through the sexual relationship.
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It's really common to try things such as talking about a new sex toy or a new position
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or maybe even just talking about the fact that you haven't done it in a while, that you want
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something new.
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Maybe there's erectile dysfunction to work with.
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Maybe there's vaginal dryness to work with or pelvic pain.
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And you have that conversation and it doesn't go well.
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Many times when this happens, there's a sense of break in the relationship where it gets
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shoved under the rug never to talk about again.
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This is one of many examples of what we explore in my Hot Monogamy Society.
13:03
How to bring these conversations to the table so that it puts you back on the same team
13:09
again, helps you bring passion back, and helps you ultimately solve the sexual imbalance or
13:17
discrepancy or desire mismatch, whatever it is, so that you can be back on the same team with
13:22
your passion and your sexual and relationship life.
13:27
This is the only doctor led science backed program like this of its kind.
13:33
I hope you will join me in the Hot Monogamy Society.
13:36
See the link in the show notes of how to get started.
13:39
Now let's get back to our show.
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I don't think it's a first step, honestly.
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Think that whenever we begin relationships it's very much a primal situation.
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We find each other attractive, enough of our shared values match, this is great, moving
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forward we will continue to explore this and we will decide together how deeply we want to take
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it, how seriously I am in this for this goal, and I think that being very truthful in those
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questions is important as long as you are understanding on both sides that this is
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truthful for me right now as I see it.
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I think a lot of people are looking for an absolute truth from someone right away whenever
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there is still very much an elasticity to it.
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Where this is how I feel right now and I really honestly believe that what I'm telling you is
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the truth and the more we get to know one another and the deeper we go into this, that
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will continue to evolve.
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And I think flexibility on both sides of that partnership are very, that's a very important
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thing to carry with you.
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It's not that someone told you a story, it's not that someone wasn't being entirely
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truthful.
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They were telling you the truth as they saw it at that moment in the relationship and that
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will continue to grow and need space and grace as both of you learn more about each other and
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what you do and don't want from that very specific dynamic.
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I think it's a really important thing that you name.
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I'm even going back in my own mind as you say that to a relationship in my twenties where a
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boyfriend was frustrated with me because I had changed my mind about something.
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Right?
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But this was was like like the verbiage you're using is so perfect because to him, he was
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frustrated because he felt like I misled him.
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And to me, it was exactly what you were saying.
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It was like, what I said was very true in that moment, and now time has gone by, and this is
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also very true in this moment.
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And I think it's one of these things where, especially in long term relationships, can get
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into this point where we stop asking questions and we stop sharing because we just feel like,
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well, we've asked that question already and we should just know, versus there's so much
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richness that I think can come with these longevity of relationships if we are coming
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back and saying, oh, the you that I knew five or ten years ago, sometimes even one week ago,
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is not the same you as happening here today.
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Right?
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That's largely what we're saying is that we have to have a process for going back and re
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asking these questions over time.
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Yes.
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And being solid enough in the relationship at any given moment to understand that when you
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ask that question again it's not an accusation, it's not a gotcha or an moment of any kind.
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It is making sure that we're still on the page I think we're on.
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This is what I have in my mind, is this where you are?
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There is no wrong answer, I just am operating on what I think I remember from when we had
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this conversation before and if this has changed because the situation has changed,
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we've grown, we've changed as people together as well as individuals, is that still where we
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are?
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Because a lot of times that can feel very abrasive, it can feel as though you're in a
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spotlight in the interrogation room and that's not it at all if you're in a healthy, loving,
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caring, kind relationship.
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It's just trying to make sure that if something has changed that I continue to stay current so
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I don't find myself in a place where I'm operating on an old OS.
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What I want to be is up to date so that I can continue making inferences and whenever things
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get a little friction, if I notice that, I can ask it without fear of upset, or anger, or a
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night on the sofa that has nothing to do with snoring.
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So I'm curious then when it comes to kind of the practicality of this, and I understand some
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of the methodologies you shared, and I know you have a whole process that is a much longer
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process than we can cover on the show today to really take people through.
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But I am curious, do you have a set of questions, for example, that you recommend
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people asking each other and asking themselves around these things.
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What do they want?
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What do they not want?
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And obviously, like you said, people tend to know what they don't want, so that one's pretty
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easy.
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But I'm wondering if there's a list of questions, and if so, also, how often in
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relationship do you recommend that people come back to checking in with each other on these
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types of things?
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I love to enter into a relationship with a lot of lightness, a lot of humor, because at the
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beginning it's all like fun and so exciting and all these kind of things and you wanna keep
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that emotion level high.
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Very positive, very light, very shiny.
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As that continues, get deeper and it becomes richer, it doesn't become darker, it just
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becomes richer with other inflections of the relationship and you continue to start
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deepening your questions as well.
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At first it's like, know, what's your star sign, what do you love to do on a date, da da
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da da, and it becomes things like children, or religion, or political leanings, or these kind
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of things.
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In a relationship it's so important to know these kinds of things because when you ask the
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question, how that person answers the question is almost as important as the content.
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You know if you're getting close to something sensitive or tender, you need to make sure that
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you continue fostering the sense of safety in the space so that they don't feel tentative
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about sharing those kinds of things with you.
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You also need to check-in yourself to see how you're responding to their their both their
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attitude and the content of their answers.
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Is this something that puts me off?
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Is this something that makes me feel a very specific kind of way?
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Instead of judging it, being curious about it, why do I feel like that?
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Why am I having this moment about it?
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And as that continues to deepen in the relationship, it's no longer an internal
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question that you ask yourself, but you can discuss that with your partner and further
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enrich that bond because this is the thought, this is the question that comes in my mind when
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you say that and how you say that and I'm trusting you with a lot of vulnerability right
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now because this is my entire process.
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Are you okay with that?
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Should I keep this to myself?
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I want to share that with you because I think it's important that you know exactly where I am
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when you say these kinds of things and how you respond, is that okay?
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You continue to check-in, it feels tedious, it feels repetitive, it feels untrusting and to me
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I would argue that perhaps it is exactly the opposite because at every moment you give them
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an opportunity to respond candidly to your process of what it is they're saying to you and
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how much importance you put on what they're saying.
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It really is a compliment to wanting to know more instead of just going through the motions.
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These are the questions I ask, this is why, this is what I'm thinking, this is what I'm
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feeling, this is how I'm processing it and I'm gonna go back and journal about one to three
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points later.
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Cool?
20:47
Okay, great.
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So my follow-up question is, and this is a follow-up question for the next episode, so
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everybody, we are going to continue this conversation with James here in part two.
21:00
And my follow-up question, though, that you will hear in the next episode is this, is what
21:05
if we are asking our partner like, a lot of what I'm hearing what you're saying is almost
21:09
like asking permission.
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Like, is it okay if I share this?
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Is it okay if we talk about this?
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And my curiosity is how do we respond with your methodology if our partner is like, no, that's
21:20
not okay.
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And what do we do to navigate that?
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So we're gonna talk about that in the next episode.
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I'm also going to ask James a lot about how his methodology applies to things like desire
21:32
mismatch, communication gaps, and a whole lot more.
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So we're gonna get into a little bit more in the intimate space here in episode number two.
21:41
So make sure you do subscribe in order to get that.
21:44
But before we go, James does have a free gift for you all.
21:47
He also has ways of working with him and supporting your communication, your your
21:52
desire, your ability to communicate and ask for what you want, and talk about this, all of that
21:58
and more.
21:58
So we're gonna let James talk about that.
22:00
But if you would, James, first tell us a little bit about sustainable audacity and your freebie
22:05
where people really are supported with helping to change their current system as we adapt and
22:11
change, and we find that, I have a new dream.
22:14
I have a new desire, and the current way, the current mode I am in is maybe not working
22:19
towards that anymore.
22:21
Tell us about that, if you would.
22:22
Of course.
22:23
Sustainable Audacity is literally just twenty minutes where we discuss about walking into a
22:28
room, owning it, being who you are, fully embracing it.
22:31
You get into the room and you're not going to be everyone's flavor.
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That's really the long and the short of it, and that is absolutely fine.
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The more specific you are, the more likely you are to draw those to you who have a very
22:43
similar color and frequency and if you rub someone the wrong way, if for whatever reason
22:48
you aren't gonna jive, they will know that right away as well and you can avoid wasting
22:53
any time trying to make a connection with someone who doesn't necessarily feel that
22:58
initially.
22:59
It's so important to make a great first impression, it's also really good to know your
23:03
people, not trying to chase anyone away, just making sure that your vibe is specific enough
23:08
so that if they're not sure it's a match, you can connect with your closest the most quickly.
23:15
It's literally twenty minutes of us just talking about what that means, what it is you
23:20
want out of your life.
23:21
People don't follow-up with themselves enough, they may be operating on a dream that they had
23:25
when they were in college and now they're twenty years later and they're still chasing
23:29
this and then we're like, why am I not more successful about it?
23:32
Well maybe you're not successful because your idea of success doesn't match the dream that
23:37
you made twenty years ago.
23:40
So we take a very close look at that and we look at where you are in your life, what your
23:44
dreams are now, goals.
23:46
We set up a desire scheme as well as systems in place and small discipline, small consistent
23:53
steps to move you closer to that to make sure that your daily actions are aligned with it, if
23:58
not completely running toward it, at least they're going parallel, so you continue to move
24:03
in that direction so that you feel more productive while you're moving toward this new
24:08
dream that is more aligned with who you are today than whenever you first made it when God
24:13
was a child.
24:15
Yeah, I love it.
24:16
I love it.
24:17
And I think there's so much to be said there about just like the confidence.
24:21
And I I get lot of hear what I hear in what you're saying is also efficiency, right, which
24:24
is one of my core values around my and I think it's so many of our core values because time is
24:29
really precious.
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It's like, none of us get it back.
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It the time goes so fast.
24:34
So there's a way to walk into the room and attract those who are your buddies, your, you
24:39
know, your people, and really know, like, oh, yeah.
24:42
This this is my tribe over here, and these other people are, you know, maybe wonderful
24:46
humans, but are just not my tribe.
24:48
That's a really great and efficient skill to be able to hone in on that and to tailor that and
24:55
up level your game with that.
24:56
So amazing, and that will be in the show notes, everybody, the freebie on that.
25:00
And then you also do coaching programs and that sort of thing too.
25:04
Right, James?
25:04
Yes, that's what the sustainable audacity leads into another course.
25:08
If what you see in that twenty minute freebie is something that you think you could love to
25:12
nurture with someone, accountability is so important, and I am an aggressive cheerleader.
25:18
I have a soul x-ray superpower.
25:21
I see through folks to know what it is that they're really trying to do with their lives.
25:25
I would be more humble about it if I hadn't done it a million times already.
25:30
People come to me saying a problem and we talk about it and I was like, well what I'm hearing
25:34
is this, have you ever thought of exploring this?
25:37
Not ignoring the initial problem that they brought but also adding this as a supplement.
25:43
This is the part that we could also work on side by side in tandem, it's sort of the
25:47
sidecar to your main sickle and we'll get to the center of it and figure out a way so that
25:53
all of these things can be addressed in short order, like you said efficiency is so important
25:57
because ain't nobody got the extra time to be spending too much on this.
26:00
We get to the crux of it.
26:02
We figure it out.
26:03
We make small consistent steps so that you can get to where you're going.
26:06
Beautiful.
26:07
So that's a wrap, everybody.
26:09
Please do look in the show notes for James' freebie, how to work with him, and more.
26:14
Please also look for how you find the next episode, which because this episode's coming
26:19
out first, the way to find the next episode is to make sure you are subscribed to the channel.
26:24
Remember, we're going into desire mismatch.
26:26
We're gonna talk about if you do a bid towards your partner and your partner doesn't respond
26:30
to that bid, and you say, I wanna share, and your partner's like, I don't really wanna hear
26:34
that.
26:35
How to respond, what to do, how to take care of yourself, how to take care of the relationship,
26:39
and so much more.
26:40
So make sure you subscribe, download James's freebie, and we will see you all again in
26:45
another episode of The Lounge.
26:47
Thank you, James, for being here with us.
26:48
Thank you, Doctor.
26:49
Diane.
26:52
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
26:54
Please don't keep me a secret.
26:56
Please share this with your friends.
26:58
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.