Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 60: Find Out What You Are Capable Of - with Sy Bee

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60: Find Out What You Are Capable Of - with Sy Bee · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey everybody, I got a question for you.
• 0:02
  Let's think about this if your emotions have led you into some
• 0:05
  type of hiding or betrayal. Or.
• 0:08
  I don't know shame. How can you trust that they're
• 0:11
  going to lead you toward truth? Today we're going to be asking a
• 0:15
  tough but a really critical question.
• 0:17
  How do people in recovery define their values when their emotions
• 0:22
  can't be trusted because their emotions have gotten them in
• 0:24
  trouble before and made them make unwise decisions?
• 0:27
  So we're going to join with Sai in this conversation, and I'm
• 0:31
  looking forward to it. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
• 0:38
  podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
• 0:41
  I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
• 0:43
  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
• 0:46
  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
• 0:49
  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
• 0:51
  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
• 0:54
  commitment to self that reveals a rich connection and meaning
• 0:57
  that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
• 1:00
  time tuning in or you're a regular listener and know this,
• 1:03
  what you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
• 1:06
  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
• 1:09
  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
• 1:12
  Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
• 1:14
  immeasurable. So welcome to be on the facade.
• 1:17
  Let's get started. All right, everybody, welcome to
• 1:21
  our podcast. I am excited sighs back here.
• 1:24
  Is this your second time? Sigh.
• 1:25
  Or is this your third time being this podcast?
• 1:27
  Second time. Second time.
• 1:29
  So for those, because I know it's been quite a few podcast to
• 1:32
  go. Will you for?
• 1:34
  Somebody that hasn't already listened to that, do you mind
• 1:36
  sharing who you are and what you do here?
• 1:38
  Sure. So.
• 1:40
  I am one of the coaches for cheese recovery services.
• 1:43
  I have been here for quite a few, not quite a few for a few
• 1:47
  years working with the team. And I as well came from a
• 1:53
  background with addiction and sexual addiction.
• 1:57
  And so with that I have been on the journey of recovery and I've
• 2:03
  been working on not only my own recovery, but couples recovery
• 2:07
  with my wife. So as well as helping other men
• 2:11
  in that journey as well, which is something I really am, I
• 2:14
  really love to do. Yeah, that's me.
• 2:17
  And I just want to speak to you a little bit if and if you've
• 2:19
  already heard this before, just bear with me.
• 2:21
  Choose Recovery services traditionally has been an
• 2:23
  organization where the people that we work with have gone
• 2:26
  through this journey. So sighs one of those people.
• 2:28
  So hopefully get a chance to spend some time with them.
• 2:31
  Funny side note about sigh, and maybe I shouldn't say this
• 2:34
  because many of you won't go work with them.
• 2:36
  He tends to have people engage in physical and physical
• 2:40
  exercise as part of their recovery.
• 2:42
  And I can't tell you how many times that I send a guy to sigh
• 2:45
  and then he's got him, like running some race or some
• 2:47
  marathon. The part of their recovery, it's
• 2:49
  fantastic. You get people in the shake
• 2:51
  physically and mentally and emotionally holy.
• 2:53
  I tried to. That's true.
• 2:55
  You were in a race not too long ago, right?
• 2:56
  I did, yeah. Wait, why did you go run a race?
• 3:00
  That's a good question. I did it because I wanted to
• 3:05
  connect with myself in ways that I never done it before, and it
• 3:08
  felt really good to it felt important to tackle a part of my
• 3:12
  life that I didn't feel like I could tackle, and I had.
• 3:15
  So that's a really high that's like a thousandth of you.
• 3:19
  It's way more detailed than that.
• 3:20
  Yeah, obviously I'd one thing to point out with that right is you
• 3:25
  did something hard. Now, how do you feel about
• 3:28
  yourself now you did that? You said it.
• 3:31
  I went to breakfast with you on time and I didn't know what you
• 3:35
  were talking about. And I told you this a million
• 3:36
  times. You said to me you're like you,
• 3:38
  you ran AI Think an ultra marathon, right?
• 3:41
  Like 100 miles a. 100 miles, yeah.
• 3:43
  And you finished your first one and you said, and I thought you
• 3:47
  were just being critical of yourself, should have known this
• 3:49
  better knowing you. But he said, you know what?
• 3:52
  I don't, I don't even know what I'm capable of doing or
• 3:55
  something like that. And I thought you were saying I
• 3:57
  can run it faster. And I thought it was cool.
• 4:00
  Listen to you talk about that. And I really didn't know what
• 4:02
  you were saying, which is humans have no idea what they're
• 4:06
  capable of, what they can actually accomplish.
• 4:08
  The. Limits they can put themselves
• 4:10
  to. OK, now I'm paraphrasing what
• 4:12
  you said. What did you actually say?
• 4:14
  No, you said it pretty good, right?
• 4:16
  So my first time all raised the Arkansas tribe there 100, right
• 4:20
  that I've finished. I finished it and my wife looks
• 4:24
  at me. It's like, how do you feel?
• 4:26
  I feel like I could have gone harder.
• 4:30
  Felt great that I finished something I've been working
• 4:32
  really hard to for almost 2 years at that point.
• 4:37
  High, really, really big. Can't even explain unless you've
• 4:40
  done it. You don't know what it feels
• 4:41
  like when you cross the finish line.
• 4:42
  You have a very good strong sense of it because you finished
• 4:46
  the you finished the race. A big race for you, right?
• 4:49
  But that big high, but also looking back as you analyze it,
• 4:53
  like, wow, I could have gone harder.
• 4:55
  And it was an uplifting statement, wasn't that wasn't
• 4:59
  being critical myself. So like, wow, I can do a lot
• 5:01
  more. And it felt very empowering to
• 5:04
  know, hey, yeah, I finished this, but I could have done
• 5:07
  better and they could do harder things.
• 5:11
  I think you said I had no, I have no idea what I'm capable.
• 5:13
  Of Yep, I have no idea what I'm capable of.
• 5:16
  And I think that's like in recovery, that's an empowering
• 5:20
  thing to hear somebody that's farther along the journey than I
• 5:22
  am to say because I feel like what I'm going through is just
• 5:26
  about to kill me. Like it just don't.
• 5:29
  My shoulders aren't this wide, they're not this big.
• 5:32
  And I don't know if I can make it.
• 5:34
  And I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I can't put 1 foot
• 5:36
  in front of the other. And and then I go around that
• 5:39
  corner and I realize I'm way stronger than I think I am.
• 5:43
  It's amazing you are a so to kind of highlight that, right,
• 5:47
  Luke, we think we are done with something long before we were
• 5:51
  actually done with it, right? Our brain is very wired to say,
• 5:55
  hey, you're not going to make it through this.
• 5:57
  You need to tap out long before you were ever at your limits and
• 6:03
  kind of throw that into recovery room.
• 6:05
  Because I think this is important.
• 6:07
  No, right. As a betrayer to the betrayed
• 6:13
  partner, there'll be some really rough times and we'll be like,
• 6:16
  hey, I got to tap out. Like I, I don't know if I can do
• 6:19
  this anymore. This is really hard.
• 6:20
  Her pain's too strong. But what's interesting is we
• 6:23
  usually start saying that long before we're ever actually kick,
• 6:27
  actually ever hit what we're capable of.
• 6:30
  And you can do harder things in the way you think you care.
• 6:34
  So that's one thing that's training for altars has really
• 6:37
  helped me learn that like, yeah, this is a scary moment, but it's
• 6:42
  not going to kill me. And I don't have to run from
• 6:46
  this. So I can run to.
• 6:48
  It makes a big difference, yeah. So, OK, so sorry, I have a
• 6:53
  question for you. Why do you, is this on?
• 6:56
  Is this intentional? Why are you having so many of
• 6:59
  the men that you work with engage with their bodies in the
• 7:02
  way that you are? And I don't even know the
• 7:03
  methods you use. I just, I get a chance to hear
• 7:05
  about it. I'll be like, hey, I went to the
• 7:07
  size groups and he's making us do push ups and I'm like, oh.
• 7:10
  Yeah. You're doing push ups in your
• 7:11
  groups or hey, I've signed up for a I've signed up for a
• 7:14
  marathon and it's size fault, you know, and they're laughing
• 7:17
  and they're smiling. It's love that they're saying it
• 7:18
  with their appreciation and guys, it's the men that are
• 7:22
  doing the work. It's not side doing the work,
• 7:24
  but he's an excellent coach to help men go in the right
• 7:26
  direction. But why?
• 7:28
  Why are you having men engaged the way that?
• 7:29
  You are there is something to be said about learning to do
• 7:34
  something hard and being consistent in your daily
• 7:37
  activities that allow you to feel confident about who you
• 7:42
  are, right, Because when you go out and you just, you go do
• 7:47
  something hard, you exercise, you can get your body moving,
• 7:50
  you feel alive, you feel better about yourself to start with.
• 7:53
  And something that in addition we get caught up in, right Luke
• 7:58
  is we feel like crap, like we, we have no self-confidence.
• 8:03
  We don't believe in ourselves. We believe we are the scum of
• 8:06
  the earth and there's no hope for us.
• 8:10
  What? Moving and getting out and doing
• 8:12
  something hard. And I tell guys this all the
• 8:14
  time. So don't think that.
• 8:15
  I just tell people, hey, you got to go out and run and you have
• 8:19
  to go run a marathon or an ultra marathon.
• 8:22
  Go do something harm, right? And we start sometimes I don't
• 8:26
  do this every ever in groups. So you might play Russian
• 8:29
  roulette when you come to my group.
• 8:30
  You don't know if you're going to do push ups at the beginning
• 8:32
  or not, right? But to highlight, we do push ups
• 8:36
  at the beginning of group. One thing I've noticed,
• 8:39
  everybody's emotions change when we start the emotion checking,
• 8:44
  right, you can see people's faces.
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  We get conversation going. Some people feel pretty down
• 8:50
  coming into groups sometimes and they're like, life sucks.
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  But then when they do 10 push ups really fast to see who's the
• 8:55
  first one to do and be back on the screen.
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  I've only had one person beat me so far.
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  So you when they all get back, they feel humped, they're
• 9:05
  excited. And then when we do check in,
• 9:07
  they're like, wow, what I was experiencing before I started
• 9:12
  this group, before we did push ups, I was coming in pretty like
• 9:16
  miserable and felt defeated. But when I just did these push
• 9:20
  ups, I felt alive, felt excited, excitement, I felt ready to go,
• 9:26
  felt like I could keep going. And what's amazing is when you
• 9:29
  just go out and start doing push ups, you go out and do a run,
• 9:33
  you come back, you feel better about yourself, you feel more
• 9:37
  excited about life. And if you're not consistently
• 9:40
  working out, my own personal opinion, you're not in recovery,
• 9:45
  right? I know there's different forms
• 9:47
  in recovery and people reach recovery without exercise, but
• 9:52
  it'll be a lot more fulfilling when you're doing something hard
• 9:54
  and you'll move through moving to recovery faster when you're
• 9:58
  actually exercising. I've heard therapist, right.
• 10:01
  They won't even meet with clients who are doing 30 minutes
• 10:04
  of exercise a day. Jodie.
• 10:07
  Yeah, one of them. If you got to do a 30 minutes of
• 10:10
  exercise a day, they won't meet with you.
• 10:11
  There's a reason. And so when you go out and do
• 10:15
  something and accomplish something, you may have said you
• 10:18
  never want to like Luke. Did you ever think of running a
• 10:21
  marathon before? Might have thought about it but
• 10:24
  never took it seriously. Yeah, now that you're working
• 10:28
  towards running further right, you did 1/2 right.
• 10:31
  That's the life you went. Yeah, right.
• 10:34
  Half. You did a half something you
• 10:37
  never really like. I'd never knew you to be someone
• 10:39
  or exercise. Right now you've done 1/2.
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  How do you feel about yourself? Proud of myself.
• 10:46
  Proud you can't take that away from you.
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  You know you've done something and that's what exercise going
• 10:54
  out and doing so the hard does is it just creates a feeling
• 10:58
  inside of you that can't be taken away.
• 11:02
  You know you could do something hard.
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  That's why if you can build self-confidence in someone,
• 11:07
  they're excited about who they are when they're able to go and
• 11:12
  then they're able to turn around and have a conversation about
• 11:17
  the things they've done in the past with their spouse.
• 11:20
  There was spouse starts in the trail trauma.
• 11:24
  They start saying you're a piece of crap.
• 11:26
  The guy can stand there and listen to them, be like, I hear
• 11:29
  you, I understand what you're saying.
• 11:32
  But in his own brain, he's like, I can understand what you're
• 11:35
  saying, but I know I'm not a piece of crap.
• 11:37
  I have things to prove that I'm not a piece of crap rather than,
• 11:41
  yeah, I did those things and I am a piece of crap.
• 11:43
  Well, actually I did those things, but I know I am changing
• 11:48
  and I am not a piece of crap. And that's where that really
• 11:52
  ultimately comes to is you're able to sit in a conversation
• 11:56
  and know that you are not crap. You like you were worth
• 12:00
  something and you are able to do things.
• 12:03
  So let's we're running an exercise and doing hard things
• 12:06
  can really come into play. Is it build yourself worth
• 12:10
  yourself confidence and it won't be torn down as easily if you're
• 12:14
  moving forward in that way. Well, yeah, because you don't
• 12:17
  externalize it other people, right?
• 12:18
  It comes from literally comes from myself.
• 12:21
  I can do hard things and I don't need anybody else to acknowledge
• 12:24
  it. I can see it for myself.
• 12:26
  Yeah, from inside of me. Absolutely.
• 12:29
  We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
• 12:31
  I want to let you know of some things that we have coming up at
• 12:33
  Choose Recovery Services. Are you a woman carrying trauma
• 12:37
  in your body? Tension, discomfort, and that
• 12:40
  tightness that just won't quite release?
• 12:43
  This is Holly Roderick and I would like to invite you to join
• 12:45
  us this August 26th through 29th in Spanish Fork, UT for Revive
• 12:50
  and Fray, a four day somatic healing intensive designed
• 12:54
  exclusively for women ready to reclaim their bodies.
• 12:57
  Guided by expert therapist coaches and body based
• 13:00
  specialist, you'll learn to uncover where trauma lives in
• 13:03
  your body and gently release it through somatic practices like
• 13:07
  art therapy, breath work, brains, body energy healing,
• 13:11
  mindfulness practices, and therapeutic immersion in nature.
• 13:16
  It's more than just an intensive, it's a sacred
• 13:19
  sisterhood where you'll process emotions, rebuild resilience,
• 13:24
  and come home to yourself physically, emotionally, and
• 13:28
  spiritually. If you're ready to step fully
• 13:31
  back into your life with freedom and strength.
• 13:34
  Visit the show notes to learn more and to register.
• 13:38
  Let's get back to our episode. I have a client who ran a
• 13:43
  marathon and asking him if I were to go through the steps,
• 13:47
  I'm not going to say that the things he did back-to-back with
• 13:51
  that were all hard, really hard. But it ended with a marathon.
• 13:55
  And after he got done with the marathon, he's like, I feel
• 13:58
  amazing. He went through a lot of hard
• 14:00
  things, right? And then after he finished the
• 14:02
  marathon, he's like, I feel amazing.
• 14:06
  Top of the world right now. Even the last few weeks really
• 14:09
  are relationship wise and everything else.
• 14:12
  Like it was like he felt amazing.
• 14:14
  That's what running and exercise and doing hard things can do for
• 14:17
  you. So that's it is a big deal.
• 14:21
  I'm one of those people, whether you recognize it or not, if you
• 14:25
  work with me that I won't, I won't.
• 14:26
  If you're in phase one of recovery, I won't work with you
• 14:29
  unless you pull exercise, getting your heart rate up into
• 14:32
  your into your daily activities because the neuroscience speaks
• 14:36
  to your you can't live without dopamine.
• 14:39
  You can't live without reward. That's not a human that yeah,
• 14:42
  that's not possible. It's just the way you're used to
• 14:45
  living with a reward is through it really maladaptive, unhealthy
• 14:48
  ways. So let's fill that need with
• 14:51
  something that's healthy. And it's interesting because the
• 14:53
  men that seem to be ready for recovery hate the fact they're
• 14:57
  going to be exercising, but they are willing to go through pain
• 15:01
  because the other pain's so great and they start engaging
• 15:05
  with it and they they see value from it.
• 15:07
  Pretty quick. Absolutely.
• 15:09
  I have a client start with this. I have a saying OK that the
• 15:14
  devil can't run 8 miles. Oh really, If you go run it, if
• 15:19
  if you're having a really bad day and life just sucks,
• 15:23
  especially in relationship wise, right, It's just horrible.
• 15:26
  You can't do anything right. You go out and run 8 miles.
• 15:29
  Tell me how you feel afterwards. And so I have this client, love
• 15:34
  the guy. OK, He's like, he'll, he'll just
• 15:37
  start talking. He's like, and there all the
• 15:39
  problems just start weighing in. Like he gets in victim mode and
• 15:44
  I start resentment and all these different things.
• 15:46
  I was like, yeah, I'm ran in a while.
• 15:48
  Have you like, no. So like go run 8 miles and then
• 15:51
  we'll have a conversation and he'll text me later.
• 15:53
  He's like, I ran 8 miles. I don't need to work for
• 15:55
  anything anymore, OK? Right.
• 15:58
  Well, why 8? Well, so.
• 16:01
  The the devil can run 7.1. I'm just.
• 16:04
  Double check, Yeah. How do you get 8?
• 16:06
  So usually, usually I say 10, but most people only takes 8
• 16:10
  miles. OK, so I would usually say 10,
• 16:13
  but it's moved back to 8. And the reason a is you can run
• 16:17
  a 10 K 6.24 and it's it's, it's OK, right?
• 16:22
  It's not too hard that you can go out and do it and you can
• 16:25
  feel good about yourself. But to really change the emotion
• 16:29
  and to really start doing something that like it's just
• 16:32
  beyond what most people do because most people never go
• 16:35
  beyond a 10K, right? And so if you go do something
• 16:38
  beyond what most people do, which is 8, it's 1.76 miles
• 16:44
  further than a 10K, It's further than what most people do.
• 16:48
  And that little difference makes all the difference for how the
• 16:53
  emotions go. And when one adds any work into
• 16:57
  their life, removes the anxiety and stress.
• 17:00
  And just going that much further than other people also adds in a
• 17:03
  little bit of like, well, I can do hard things.
• 17:06
  This is something most people don't do.
• 17:08
  And I just did it, Yeah. I'd like to build into the
• 17:12
  conversation relationship with self running.
• 17:17
  Just the deeper, more intimate relationship with self.
• 17:20
  What have you noticed on your runs?
• 17:22
  Sigh. What's what exists now that
• 17:24
  didn't exist before? My ability to not give in to the
• 17:29
  talk of he just made to give up. Like it's too hard.
• 17:34
  My understanding that that voice is there to keep me safe from a
• 17:43
  Jaguar or a bearer or a Beaver. But it is also really quick to
• 17:49
  tell me to be lazy and tell me this is painful and I don't have
• 17:54
  to give in to those voices. Let's say, hey, this is too
• 17:57
  hard. You should just go sit on the
• 17:59
  couch. Hey, this is This is why are you
• 18:02
  doing this? This is Model 62.
• 18:05
  You just reached 100K and now you got to run over a 50K and
• 18:09
  over a marathon to finish a race.
• 18:11
  Why are you even doing this? And you can stop.
• 18:14
  And it's helped me be able to learn.
• 18:16
  I don't have to listen to those voices and I can choose what I
• 18:20
  think about relationship with self.
• 18:23
  Personally, I think learning to be able to choose what you think
• 18:28
  about makes a huge difference. Changes how you think about who
• 18:32
  you are versus just allowing your thoughts to dictate how you
• 18:36
  feel and what you think about yourself.
• 18:39
  Learning that you get to control what you think about on those
• 18:42
  phones rather than letting those thoughts control you.
• 18:46
  That make a huge difference in how you feel, make huge
• 18:49
  difference of who you think you are, and allows you to be able
• 18:53
  to stand in the pain of other people's emotions without
• 18:56
  running from them. Because you're not caught up in
• 18:58
  your own thoughts. You learn how to control those
• 19:01
  thoughts rather than let them control you.
• 19:04
  What do you say to the person that's tried over and over again
• 19:08
  to run, you know, and to get healthy physically, but it just
• 19:12
  failed over and over again? My first question is what was
• 19:16
  your bowl? OK, I'll give you a generic
• 19:19
  answer so you can answer the question, which is it felt
• 19:23
  important at the time, like my physical health.
• 19:27
  Maybe I didn't like the way that I looked or the way that I felt,
• 19:32
  but it didn't feel very important after a while.
• 19:35
  Then they'll probably ask Luke who was dictating how you felt
• 19:39
  about how you looked. Well, that's a good question.
• 19:45
  Yeah. Let me give you a normal what I
• 19:47
  feel like would be textbook answer that can fit is I don't
• 19:53
  know, I was just going through life and just looked in the
• 19:56
  mirror. Felt just gross about what I was
• 19:59
  seeing. Yeah, what about it was gross
• 20:03
  though? Just.
• 20:04
  The way that I felt like that I would look at a picture or just
• 20:08
  notice, like my energy to be able to tackle life just wasn't
• 20:11
  very good. OK, so how did you get there?
• 20:16
  How did I get where? The place where you looked in
• 20:19
  there and didn't feel like you felt like you were gross.
• 20:24
  About the way that I looked or about because I feel like this
• 20:26
  is like a deep. This is a deep question.
• 20:29
  You look in the mirror and you look at yourself, right?
• 20:33
  What? Like, how did you get to the
• 20:35
  place where you felt gross? Just not take care of myself.
• 20:40
  Tell me more about that. Like what was the process of
• 20:43
  getting to a place and not taking care of yourself?
• 20:47
  Just what I prioritized and what was what felt like it was the
• 20:50
  most important just by gluttonous living of of just
• 20:54
  feeding knee jerk response desires.
• 20:58
  You know, like food. Just, you know, just, yeah, just
• 21:03
  responding impulsively to thousands of decisions.
• 21:07
  All right, so I'm going to rephrase what I hear you saying.
• 21:10
  He reacted to emotions and let those emotions dictate what
• 21:15
  happened in your life. Yeah, totally.
• 21:20
  When you start running and working out, because it's
• 21:22
  important at that time, then also that becomes important.
• 21:25
  What's driving your What's driving your behavior?
• 21:30
  What's important? What's important?
• 21:33
  The emotions, right? Because at the moment it's
• 21:36
  important to start running, but then your emotions say it's not
• 21:41
  that big of a deal. Even.
• 21:43
  Though, right, So when I talk about like from a mall 62 and
• 21:46
  it's like, why you even out here, right, learning to not
• 21:50
  given that emotion is important to you.
• 21:53
  So if you look at this, you have something that we teach about
• 21:57
  and actually choose your favorite and be on the facade.
• 22:01
  We teach about emotional reasoning, right?
• 22:04
  And you start letting your emotions dictate your choices.
• 22:08
  OK. And that's what I hear you
• 22:10
  talking about right there, right?
• 22:11
  You allow emotional reason to dictate your actions and not
• 22:15
  really actions, your reactions to your emotions.
• 22:19
  And thus you end up eating chips like I would used to and still
• 22:24
  do at times. Be honest, but then also you
• 22:29
  don't like how it makes you feel and look so therefore you start
• 22:33
  running, which is an emotional reasoning to make get yourself
• 22:36
  to run, which isn't a real reason to start running in the
• 22:39
  1st place. It's helpful and that's what
• 22:41
  we're told we need to do. So we react to how we feel.
• 22:45
  But then we feel like we've done enough work and we feel like oh,
• 22:48
  gone far enough, done 2 miles. That's more than I did
• 22:51
  yesterday. So I'm going to stop and walk
• 22:54
  home and eat a cheeseburger with chips and fries.
• 22:58
  So if I'm not going to make decisions off of how I feel,
• 23:02
  what am I going to make decisions off of?
• 23:04
  That's a great question. What are your values?
• 23:09
  What are my values? How do you make decisions in
• 23:13
  life right now? Around working out or.
• 23:18
  Decisions in general, How do you make decisions?
• 23:20
  Do you make decisions off of emotions or how do you make an
• 23:24
  actual decision in life? Yeah, the thousands and
• 23:27
  thousands that I make, right, who make decisions when they're
• 23:30
  not emotional. I'm going to go on a limb and
• 23:34
  say because of the conversation we're have, 99% of them are
• 23:37
  probably emotion. And I know you're role-playing,
• 23:40
  so I'm just throwing this out there.
• 23:41
  It's common, right? Yeah.
• 23:42
  And, and as a part of the role play, I'm going back to the time
• 23:46
  in my life when I didn't even know that there was this concept
• 23:51
  of I thought all decisions were in emotion.
• 23:54
  The thought of them being made in a different way made no sense
• 23:56
  to me. And maybe if somebody would have
• 23:59
  said it, which is where you're going, it would have, it would
• 24:02
  have changed. The change would change so much
• 24:04
  for me. The what I mean, what do I, you
• 24:06
  know, what would that, if it wasn't off emotion, what would I
• 24:10
  make it off of? Which is, I don't know.
• 24:11
  I guess what I want my life to look like.
• 24:14
  You know what I wanted to be like, what I want, my goals I
• 24:17
  want to accomplish, just that kind of stuff.
• 24:19
  So how do you know what your goals are?
• 24:22
  I get a pick. You get a pick, right?
• 24:25
  I get a pick. Are your goals based off the
• 24:29
  emotion you come up? You get exciting to have a goal
• 24:34
  to buy a nice new vehicle. Well, I realize, I realize that
• 24:40
  yeah, I can, but I don't want them to be off of emotion
• 24:43
  because I realize it's going to put me in back in the same spot
• 24:45
  again. So I want to be off something
• 24:47
  different. But side what's different?
• 24:49
  I don't know what's different than emotion.
• 24:51
  It's a good question, right? If we allow, if we don't make a
• 24:56
  filter, and I call this having a filter for your life, you run
• 25:01
  everything you do through a filter.
• 25:03
  So I love the phrase. I first heard this phrase from
• 25:06
  basic training. I probably have said, I probably
• 25:08
  said this for a while, that podcast, but I love it, right?
• 25:11
  Flow is smooth, smooth is fast, right?
• 25:14
  You take your time to make the choice that you want to make.
• 25:20
  You'll get further and in better places faster rather than just
• 25:25
  being like, hey, I want a truck, so I'm going to go buy it now.
• 25:28
  Take your time, figure it out, create a plan, move forward.
• 25:31
  Right, But how do you base that decision, whether it's a good
• 25:35
  decision or a bad decision? I personally, you have to be
• 25:39
  able to set up your values and your priorities in life, right?
• 25:43
  And if it's going to detract from your top 4 priorities, is
• 25:46
  it really worth doing? If it's not going to, it might
• 25:49
  be a good choice. Does it alive with my values?
• 25:52
  I don't think going in debt aligns with my values, so maybe
• 25:56
  I should just create a plan and therefore it really won't get
• 26:00
  tracked from my first priorities.
• 26:01
  I'll create a plan in which I can pay cash for it.
• 26:04
  It's just an example, but rather than running off of emotion like
• 26:08
  the other day, I was like, we really need a bigger truck,
• 26:11
  Suburban, so we can put stuff in the back rather than pile stuff
• 26:14
  on the back of the car on top of the kids so we can actually
• 26:17
  carry stuff home from the store, right?
• 26:19
  You know, I'm like, I need a Suburban, but if I allowed my
• 26:22
  emotions of frustration of not having a bigger car dictate what
• 26:27
  I did, I'd be $80,000 in debt right now that it doesn't help
• 26:32
  my family, which is my #2 priority, right?
• 26:35
  So question for you, when you picked your values, how was that
• 26:39
  not done out of emotion? Here, this is a great question.
• 26:44
  So one thing I heard from someone one time is it's a trial
• 26:50
  and error, OK? If you pick your values to be,
• 26:54
  let's say work and just going to pick three work, exercise, like
• 27:02
  health and friends, OK, but you find that you're not hitting any
• 27:08
  of those or you find that you're doing those, but you're still
• 27:11
  really frustrated. You might have one of your
• 27:13
  values off and it, it's can be a very big trial in there.
• 27:20
  But really a lot of times it's those values.
• 27:23
  We sometimes pick those from our childhood right where we grew
• 27:26
  up. And that you might not be the
• 27:28
  right choice either. And so personally, I, I see that
• 27:32
  it's something that can be changed and we can make it so as
• 27:36
  we go through things. It's not as frustrating if you
• 27:42
  were to ask me, what's your values, right?
• 27:44
  God, family, country, work. OK.
• 27:48
  They've aligned that way. And that to me creates more
• 27:52
  peace in my life than anything else.
• 27:55
  I've tried other values. Doesn't help me to feel peace,
• 27:59
  doesn't bring calmness into my life, brings chaos.
• 28:02
  And as long as I have those 4 values aligned with my
• 28:05
  priorities like it makes and makes everything a lot, makes my
• 28:10
  choices a lot easier. So how do you guide a guy to do
• 28:15
  values where, and I know you're talking about it, but how do you
• 28:17
  guide a guy to do values work? And when do you do that in
• 28:20
  recovery? I usually try to start that
• 28:23
  offer at the very beginning and I start implanting the thought
• 28:27
  in their end, hey, what are your values?
• 28:29
  So they're like, hey, art, I don't know if I can do this.
• 28:31
  I'm like, how does not doing this along with your values
• 28:35
  means I don't even know what my values are?
• 28:36
  So we get to start digging into it and I sometimes I'll give
• 28:41
  them a list if they really have no idea what their values are,
• 28:44
  We'll talk about what a value is.
• 28:46
  We'll talk about what priorities are and we'll start aligning
• 28:50
  that all up and having them really dig in and take time to
• 28:55
  really decide what the values are.
• 28:56
  If it is a quick reaction, you like money, I'll be like, hey,
• 29:01
  let's sit down and really think about it.
• 29:03
  Take a week, right? Come back, he still can't figure
• 29:05
  it out. We might talk, we'll spend
• 29:07
  another session over and I'll say take another week and figure
• 29:10
  it out, right. And sometimes we can call him
• 29:14
  out on things where like that doesn't feel like one of your
• 29:17
  values because we've for the last two months we've been
• 29:20
  working together. That has not been something you
• 29:24
  even brought up. So is that just them using
• 29:27
  somebody else's values? Yeah, yeah.
• 29:31
  So I just looked this up while you were talking and I was like,
• 29:34
  OK, emotional decisions versus blank decisions.
• 29:38
  And then like, what's the what's in the blank?
• 29:40
  Because I've heard emotional decision versus value based
• 29:43
  decisions. But then I was thinking about
• 29:45
  what if our values were just came from our emotions and I and
• 29:50
  I was like, OK, what, what's another word then besides
• 29:52
  emotional decision? So it gave me the option of
• 29:54
  emotional decision versus principled decisions, which it
• 29:59
  says emotional decisions are often reactive, driven by fear,
• 30:02
  anxiety, shame, or desire for immediate relief.
• 30:05
  Principal decisions are rooted in core values, long term goals
• 30:09
  and integrity, even when emotionally uncomfortable.
• 30:12
  So it's what you're talking about, right?
• 30:13
  Principal decisions, it gives differences between the two.
• 30:16
  So like other fitting options depending on it like emotional
• 30:20
  decisions versus those are like logic based versus rational
• 30:25
  based or you know, so that's it's interesting.
• 30:29
  Yeah, Yeah, it is. You know, if going back to mile
• 30:31
  62 to 6900 miles from marathon, right?
• 30:36
  Emotionally based, maybe fear I might get hurt, right.
• 30:41
  And this is too bored, painful. This is horrible.
• 30:45
  Why would I keep doing that? That's an emotional based
• 30:47
  decision if I were to quit, OK, value based decision.
• 30:52
  I value accomplishing what I set out to do, right?
• 30:55
  It's one of my values. I value completing and following
• 31:00
  through with something I decide to do.
• 31:03
  So I'm going to continue to do it.
• 31:05
  And having that and being a little from that emotional
• 31:09
  decision at that time, a lot harder than it is any other time
• 31:13
  in your life. I'll be a lot harder.
• 31:16
  A harder. Like I've been through a lot of
• 31:18
  different things in life. The hardest decision I've ever
• 31:21
  made was to continue going at Mall 69.
• 31:24
  The worst decision you ever made was to stop at Mall 69.
• 31:27
  Gotcha. Why did you stop?
• 31:30
  Well, that's that's a long story and probably too much
• 31:34
  information as far as other things too.
• 31:37
  Yeah, but. I feel like everybody on the
• 31:39
  podcast is going to be like, wait, why did he stop?
• 31:41
  Did he? That was an emotional based
• 31:43
  decision. It was an emotional based
• 31:45
  decision founded with logic that backed it up, but it made.
• 31:49
  But it in the end, I learned a lot from it.
• 31:53
  And I learned I quit long before I needed to stop.
• 31:58
  I just needed to take care of a few things and I would have been
• 32:01
  just fine. And that's something you learn
• 32:03
  as you do. And you learn, right?
• 32:05
  I did. I learned.
• 32:07
  And that's. Why?
• 32:07
  So? Did you fail myself up?
• 32:10
  Didn't you fail? I personally, yeah, I failed at
• 32:13
  completing that goal, but I learned from it and failures are
• 32:18
  good. Hey everybody, we're going to
• 32:21
  take a quick pause here and we're going to make a Part 2 of
• 32:24
  this episode because there's some really important stuff.
• 32:26
  And we're going to continue this on next week and keep the
• 32:29
  conversation going with Si because we recognize that this
• 32:32
  is this is a big part of our journey, which is learning, did
• 32:35
  I fail? What is failing?
• 32:37
  And I think Si's personal experience, this really matters.
• 32:40
  So anyway, looking forward to continue the conversation next
• 32:43
  week with Part 2. Hey, thanks for joining us
• 32:49
  today. If this is something that you
• 32:50
  connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
• 32:54
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
• 32:57
  check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
• 33:00
  conversation. Meet.
• 33:01
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
• 33:04
  unmask the authentic self.