Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 274. Flashback Friday - How to Have Hard Conversations Without Losing Your Cool

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274. Flashback Friday - How to Have Hard Conversations Without Losing Your Cool · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appogiae Production.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: This podcast is.
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  Speaker 3: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: All right, let's get straight into it. So we're going
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: to talk about how to deal with conflict. Like I
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: said before, this is something all of us have to
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: deal with, whether it's with your partner, friendships, co workers,
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: people on the street, literally anyone. So I want to
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: talk about a podcast I listened to the other day
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  Speaker 2: with Stephen Bartlett. And his name was Jefferson Fisher, and
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: he is a lawyer, and his dad was a lawyer,
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: and his grandpa was a lawyer, and they've really hard
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: to learn how to communicate because a court battle you
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: have to know how to communicate properly in effect, and
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: be quick on your feet and understand other humans and
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: human psychology and read body language. And he was really
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: really great, but he said just one thing that really
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: stood out for me, and it was like a three
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: step process when someone attacks you. So someone's color at you. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: it was really really powerful. So the first step is
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: so say something nasty to me, really nasty, you're a bitch? Sorry?
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  Speaker 2: Can you just repeat that for me?
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  Speaker 3: You're a bitch?
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  Speaker 2: Thank you thanks to letting me know that. So the
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: first step is to breathe, because when you breathe one,
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: you're calming down your nervous system. It's telling your body
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  Speaker 2: that it's safe. It's just words. A tiger's not going
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: to attack you. It also allows space for it to land,
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: So it allows space for the person's attacked you to
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  Speaker 2: realize what they've said.
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  Speaker 3: Holy fuck.
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  Speaker 2: If I just said that and then asking them to
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: repeat it, they don't want to say it again. No,
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  Speaker 2: they fucking know what they're saying is not right, not nice.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: So getting them to say it again, he said, a
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: lot of the time they go, oh, I didn't mean
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  Speaker 2: to say that, or you're a bitch. If they say
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: it again with ease, you're thanking them. You're thanking them
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  Speaker 2: for showing you who they are, where they're at, and
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  Speaker 2: how little respect they have for you. Oh shit, you're
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: not going to give time and energy trying to have
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: a conversation with someone that has made up their mind
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: about you and that does not know how to have
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  Speaker 2: an effective conversation. Wow, So it's breathe, let it land,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: allow it to be there, ask them to repeat it,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: and then thank them.
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  Speaker 1: Wow. That at the end of the episode, that's all
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  Speaker 1: you need.
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  Speaker 2: So powerful. Whereas most of the time if someone attacks us,
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: our nervous system thinks we're getting attacked and we have
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: to run or react and bite back, and then we
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: normally say something we don't mean. It's just this back
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: and forth fight that we get into that doesn't solve anything.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: But that big breath is just so powerful, and we
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: forget to breathe when we're in that heightened state. It's true,
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: and then it ends up blowing up. I'm like, what
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: the fuck are you fighting about?
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  Speaker 3: Is this worth it?
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  Speaker 2: Or if you just think there's no way to resolve
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: with that person, then you thank them, you walk away.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: You have your boundary there on standard of how you're
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: going to be treated and what you're going to allow
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  Speaker 2: into your space. No, I won't allow that in my
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: space anymore. I'm not going to entertain that you know.
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: What a powerful and like simple process. Right, Oh god,
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  Speaker 3: so good. Even when you said like say something, I
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: was like, you're a bitch, and then you like, say
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: it again. I had this internal resistance. I was like, yeah, no,
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: I know that this is happening in a role play.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, I don't want to say it again. No,
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: it's so interesting the response that I had. Yeah, and
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: you like, can you say that again? I was like,
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  Speaker 3: oh shit.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure if everyone just took a moment, even if
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: you pause this podcast now and think of a moment
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  Speaker 2: that you've done that or someone's come at you, if
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: you had to ask them to repeat it, they probably wouldn't,
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  Speaker 2: or if they did, then it's an easy cut of like,
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  Speaker 2: we're not going to I'm not going to engage in this. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: when you're speaking to me like that and you're throwing
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: those attacks at me so easily that you think it's
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  Speaker 2: okay and acceptable, yeah, no, you don't even have to
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  Speaker 2: explain that, just thanking thems enough and then you walk
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  Speaker 2: away what you said.
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  Speaker 3: The lack of respect part really hit home is like
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  Speaker 3: if someone is willing to say that to you again
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  Speaker 3: and be willing to stand in that without correcting themselves.
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  Speaker 3: It really does highlight to you where they're at and
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  Speaker 3: how they feel about.
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  Speaker 2: You literally, and then it leads into if you're wanting
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: to resolve conflict and have a an effective kind conversation
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  Speaker 2: and you ask them to repeat it and they can't,
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  Speaker 2: then it's like, okay, let's get into really how you're feeling.
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  Speaker 2: What's underneath that first initial comment I've upset you? Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: can you please help me understand how I've upset you?
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  Speaker 2: And get them to talk, get them to explain it,
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  Speaker 2: go deeper than the surface level reaction.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, what caused you to feel that way?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so that's kind of how I'm trying to deal
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  Speaker 2: with conflict these days. Yeah, that's really powerful. And I
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  Speaker 2: think before you go into any conversation that could be
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  Speaker 2: conflict and hard and the other person's disregulated or you're justsregulated,
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  Speaker 2: that's the first thing to do is like check where
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  Speaker 2: you're actually at. Yeah, don't go into a heavy conversation
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  Speaker 2: if you're dysregulated. You can be nervous. Of course you're
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: going to be a little bit like off center because
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  Speaker 2: it's unc comfortable, But take some big breaths, going with
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  Speaker 2: your facts, going with clear clarity of what you're going
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  Speaker 2: in there for your intentions, the outcome that you want,
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  Speaker 2: and making sure that you're allowing both people to be heard.
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  Speaker 2: That's my intention when I go into a hard conversation,
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  Speaker 2: it's not about being right. Is that resolving this and
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  Speaker 2: both of us being heard so we can walk away
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  Speaker 2: feeling we've either made a compromise or we've reconnected even
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  Speaker 2: if we can't agree or come to a solution. There's
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: no attacking, there's no point in the finger, there's no
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  Speaker 2: escalating it where it's going to break out relationship or
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  Speaker 2: bond or trust. But yeah, it's obviously easier than done.
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  Speaker 2: But I feel like hearing this and having that awareness
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  Speaker 2: you can go in and do better. And the more
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  Speaker 2: you practice this, the easier it does get. Yeah, the
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  Speaker 2: more normal it feels. There's a lot of us.
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  Speaker 3: I know.
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  Speaker 2: For me growing up, it was just in a household yelling. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: so I felt normal to yell. And then I got
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: to a point I was like, this doesn't feel nice
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  Speaker 2: and I want to have conflict like this. It can
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  Speaker 2: be done differently. So that's my take on it.
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  Speaker 3: So good.
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  Speaker 2: I love that.
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  Speaker 3: I think there will be a lot of people who
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  Speaker 3: be able to take that away and go, wow, this
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  Speaker 3: is something I can actually implement time I can get
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  Speaker 3: really good at.
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  Speaker 2: Go write it down like that three step process and
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  Speaker 2: just remembering to have clarity and an intention behind the
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  Speaker 2: conversation really important.
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  Speaker 3: It's a huge thing, isn't it. Conflict is an interesting thing.
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  Speaker 3: It can be such a challenging thing to want to face.
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  Speaker 3: And I know a lot of us tend to like
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  Speaker 3: avoid shy away from run and just like really don't enjoy. Yes,
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  Speaker 3: we really don't enjoy the discomfort that comes up with
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: having to confront someone. And I know, like a lot
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  Speaker 3: of the times it does stem from you know, wanting
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: to preserve that relationship.
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  Speaker 2: Soon be abandoned, you know.
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  Speaker 3: And this is something we even spoke about earlier this morning,
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  Speaker 3: where it was like it's really important to get clear
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  Speaker 3: on what your goal is with your relationship, Like it
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  Speaker 3: doesn't matter whether it's conflict, a fight, or something that
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  Speaker 3: you're not okay with. This is how I like to
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  Speaker 3: do it, is to like think about what your actual
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: goal and intention is for the friendship or the relationship
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  Speaker 3: and then go, Okay, what's my best case scenario outcome?
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  Speaker 3: What do I want for this. Do I want to prison?
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  Speaker 3: Do I want to build? Do I want to keep
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  Speaker 3: this friendship really close and type or this relationship and
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  Speaker 3: nurture it, Because that's when you'll get your answer, because
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  Speaker 3: when you want to do those things, you've got to
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  Speaker 3: be willing to have hard conversations in order to nurture it.
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  Speaker 3: Do people actually have the opposite perspective? People think if
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  Speaker 3: I bring this up to them, I'm going to push
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  Speaker 3: them away. And it's not to say that it doesn't happen,
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  Speaker 3: because it does. Some people can't hold you in it.
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  Speaker 3: But there are going to be times with the right
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  Speaker 3: people who when you bring things in it's going to
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  Speaker 3: bring you closer. And so you've got to be willing
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  Speaker 3: to check with yourself around what your intention is and
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  Speaker 3: whether you know this potential little tif that you're about
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  Speaker 3: to have is worth you being able to create deeper
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  Speaker 3: connection in the future, which the ninety nine point nine
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  Speaker 3: percent of the time it always is. And I think
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  Speaker 3: that's something to just keep in mind.
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  Speaker 2: I love that. Another thing I learned a couple of
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  Speaker 2: weeks ago from Steve was there was something that happened
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: that fell back on my name even though I had
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: nothing to do with And I really was expecting and
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  Speaker 2: hoping this person would come to me and apologize because
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  Speaker 2: I kind of had to take the flack of it. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: And I didn't want to go in asking for that.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't want to go in to feel attacked, so
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  Speaker 2: I just decided to avoid and sweet and Steve was like,
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  Speaker 2: why don't you lead in there with curiosity? I was like,
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: but how He's like, well, I would personally go and
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  Speaker 2: be like, oh my gosh, how are you da, da,
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  Speaker 2: how's about that thing that happened? How did you feel?
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  Speaker 2: Because I haven't had the chance to speak to you
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  Speaker 2: about it yet? And I was like, wow, that is
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: such an easy solution, genius, because I'm like, you're not
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: going in there attacking, You're not going there demanding or criticizing.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: You're saying, hey, what came up for you? And it
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  Speaker 2: just opens the conversation to have this conversation of like,
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: holy shit, yeah shit went down, Yeah fuck, I'm sorry
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  Speaker 2: about that. Oh gosh, I don't know how I feel
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: about it. And you can see where they're at and
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: you'll be able to gauge and then lead the conversation
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: from there. I was like, Wow, that's really cool. Have
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: I had the conversation yet, Not yet, but I will
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  Speaker 2: get to that.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: It was a great idea. It was a great idea. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: this is yes, and I'm going to put out the
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  Speaker 1: bottom of my to do list.
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  Speaker 2: It's like, you know, it's amazing and I would definitely
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: use that. And now it's me being brave enough to
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: lean in and actually have that conversation. I did it
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: yesterday's too. You put me up to something. Yeah, You're like,
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: you're avoiding, you're avoiding. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I know,
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  Speaker 2: but it's done on the person feeling I'm comfortable and
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: I don't want them feeling stressed about this. And da
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: no D You're like, yeah, but you're avoiding it. Yeah,
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: it's not the point of it. You need to go
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  Speaker 2: in and you love this person, you have respect for them,
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  Speaker 2: and you want to preserve that relationship. You value transparency,
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  Speaker 2: do the thing.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I did it last night. It was as scary as
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: what it was. And we have to also look within
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: of why we're doing that. So for me, it's I'm
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: scared of being abandoned. I want to give and provide
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: and save and do all these things because I think
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: that that's how people love me, and it's a passion
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: of mine. So I get scared if I speak up
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: or I don't provide or I don't do something like that,
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: that they're going to leave or they're not going to
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: love me. I know it's not the truth, but it's
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: rewinding my brain and having the experiences and evidence that
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: it's safe to speak up and have those conversations. And
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: it's also good practice for me because it's how I
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: delivered the conversation is where it's gonna matter. Yeah, you
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: know it's a big part of it.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, it's a cool thing that the delivery is the
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: big part because it's like, because we make it such
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: a big thing in our heads, we go, oh, this
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: has to be such a huge conversation. You need to
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: sit down for two and a half hours and unpack
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: this and dissect it as opposed to something that's really
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: benefited me. And like, I could never have hard conversations
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: before I was the biggest people pleaser. I would avoid everything.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: And then it got to a point where I'm like, Okay,
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: how can I have this conversation in the most casual
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: way possible? Yes? How can I keep it light? Yeah?
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: Just a casual conversation. And I think something that's really
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: helped me, which was really hard thing to do it first,
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: actually was to think about the other person first in
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: any given situation. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: to this by any maintance. My last relationship I really
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: struggled with this, but in friendships and stuff like that,
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: I think immediately hearing, validating and acknowledging what the other
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: person is feeling or going through immediately creates connection and
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: safety because you're like, hey, fucking here for you, in
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: this with you, and regardless of how I'm feeling right now,
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: like I just want you to know I see you.
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  Speaker 2: Yes.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that in itself creates this. I can
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: like breathe an exhale and relax and then immediately you
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: get the best of them because you've given the best
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: of you. And I think so that kind of like
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: that selfless act in that moment to go, yeah, I'm
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: going to lean into you first instead of expecting you
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: to lean into me. Then we will create the cycle
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: of creating that safety for each other.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Oh, I absolutely love that.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: There's actually a really good book that I would recommend.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: It's called nonviolent communication. I'm not actually sure who it's by,
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: but if you type it up, it'll come up. This
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: helped me find a really simple framework of being able
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: to have nonviolent communication in any high conflict situation.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: Or I love a good framework.
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: And so it was like a simple three step process
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: something like fact, feeling, and resolution. So what did that before? Yeah,
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: I made my own kind of of it. It's like
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: a five step process. It has those in it, but
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: in my own way and added steps I think are
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: really beneficial that have really helped my clients. But this
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: simple process is whenever you're going into a situation, before
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: you communicate, go in with a plan. Never go in
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: on an emotional high, when you're dysregulated and your guns
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: are blazing and you're ready to throw hands. Right, write
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: it down on a piece of paper, what the facts
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: are of the situation. So what specifically happened for this
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: to create this problem?
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: Not how you feel, but what happened this person didn't
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: do the dishes? And then you go into kate. Once
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: you've got the facts, you then go into the feeling.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: How did when XYZ happen? How did that make me feel?
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  Speaker 3: And not I feel xyz because he did blah blah blah.
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: It's in that moment. I felt unsafe in that moment,
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: I felt disrespected. In that moment, I felt dismissed. Those
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: would be good examples, and then you go into resolution
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: instead intead of saying to the other person, why didn't
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: you fucking do x y Z? You made me feel this,
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: you're saying, next time when something like this happens, do
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: you think that I could request a view to show
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: up as XYZ, so instead of you sitting on the
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: lounge and not doing the dishes when you've promised me
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: that you would, would you mind next time making sure
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: that the dishes are done before I'm home. What you're
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: doing is you're looking for the solution, and you're immediately
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: going to the solution, as opposed to saying stuck in
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: the problem. Oh, I love that.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: That's really cool. I also love what you said before
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: about how to make things really casual. Yeah, I remember
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: Brian Rees, our first relationship coach. He said, a good
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: way to approach, especially a man that is really uncomfortable
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: having hard conversations. I suppose anyone who doesn't like hard
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: conversations is doing it in the car when they're driving.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, because sometimes when you sit someone down, I've
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: got to have a conversation with you, it's immediately wards
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: are up, or immediately they're scared, immediately they've shut down
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: because I feel like you're going to criticize them they're
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: a trouble or what interview it feels like that, or
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: in interrogations when you're casually driving, it was like, hey, gosh,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: remember that thing that happened the other day. I don't know,
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: I'm just not really sad about that. Do you think
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: I'm up for you? And because they're driving, they know
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: you're there, they're present because they're driving, But it just
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: takes away that intensity. Yes, it allows it to be
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: more a casual, flowy conversation. You'll find the person will
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: open up a lot more. And I use this technique
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: with Steve for a little while. He's a lot better
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: just approaching and having conversations with these days, but back
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: when he wasn't, it was a really good tool that
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: I could just use.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah,