Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Figure Out Your Actual Worth In The Dating Marketplace... And Why You May Not Be Doing Well

Transcript

Figure Out Your Actual Worth In The Dating Marketplace... And Why You May Not Be Doing Well · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today, we're going to be talking about how
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  you can figure out what you're actually worth in the dating
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  market place. And before we do that please do
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  subscribe, my most recent subscriber episode was why
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  wanting a dominant or Alpha man or a highly sexual woman
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  something that the respective opposite gender always idealizes
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  each of those things may not be what you specifically really
• 0:32
  actually want if you Take a wider perspective, but then
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  again, maybe it is. But there's downsides to
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  everything and you learn about those in yesterday's subscriber
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  episode. So please do subscribe.
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  also join. That's growing rapidly.
• 0:49
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• 0:51
  The more people join so that is separate.
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  That's four ninety-nine a month. If you'd like to meet up with
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  and discuss life with people who think I'm funny seems to be what
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  the commonality is and are in. Stood in the things that I
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  discussed. Anyway, so figure out your
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  actual worth. So obviously all human beings
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  have worth. They all have value.
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  What I'm talking about is, you know, some people appeal to more
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  people than other people do. This is just basic economics,
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  right? I mean there are some products
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  that are going to appeal to a wider consumer base and
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  therefore, you know, more people want them.
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  You know what if more people want you then you can be
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  pickier. And if not, Not more people want
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  you, then you have to be less pickier, you should never end up
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  with somebody. That's terrible.
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  But what what I mean is this like, so, for example, sometimes
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  and these are like, the major things, I talked about what is
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  the way to make you more worthwhile that was in the
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  description, not worthwhile, but you see my point more, more
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  appealing to the mainstream, right?
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  So for man, everybody says all right, they got to beat all,
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  they got to have money. Alright?
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  Sure. Women like tall women like
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  money. Whatever.
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  Plenty of men who are short get laid quite a bit, get married
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  etcetera. That's why there continue to be
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  short men, right? Because the short men or having
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  kids like obviously and men do not need a lot of money to have
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  wives, as I see frequently in my practice, as I've said, more and
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  more women become the primary Breadwinner over time, I see
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  more and more women who are the primary Breadwinner.
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  But anyway, a main effect is that of men, you know, No.
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  What makes them attractive is taller men, man, with more
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  money. Man with more prestigious jobs.
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  These are all things that make you have more worth than the
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  dating Market plays. You can't change those things
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  though. I mean you know you can't change
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  your height, you can't really change your net worth you can
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  but you know you can't buy tomorrow.
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  What you really can change though is your open-mindedness
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  and your basically your your openness, you know, just really
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  being open and Being not too difficult or two ways that you
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  immediately increase your value in the dating market place.
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  Because you may not realize that you have a chip on your shoulder
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  and you do. So if you've ever heard that
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  your difficult or that you have a chip on your shoulder, you're
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  making yourself like 1 million times, less attractive, and
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  people don't really realize this at all, you know?
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  Because if you do have a chip on your shoulder or your difficult,
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  that you were raised by at least one.
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  Parent, who is difficult and they usually act like there's a
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  real benefit to being difficult, you know, like that.
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  It makes means you're Savvy or you're smart or you are, you
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  know, just really those two that you're Savvy and smart.
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  You're not just like the average idiot, you know, but in reality,
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  people hate people who act difficult and, and who are hard
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  to deal with. And I see a lot of exchanges in
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  online dating because I have a lot of Clients and people share
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  with me what these messages look like, and there's people that
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  you just don't want to get to know because they're just
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  difficult. And so let me get to the female
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  1. So obviously I've done podcast
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  about how men. Don't only want supermodels and
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  it's only the most cynical women who have had prior bad
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  experiences and their family of origin as well as in dating.
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  That think that men just want, you know, skinny women with D
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  cup breasts that are have the face of an Angel like they
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  don't, you know, I mean they All sorts of women and still yet
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  again. What's the number one thing that
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  they really want when push comes to shove after, you know, of
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  course, somebody has to look at you and find you attractive
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  enough to swipe. But after that so many
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  conversations Peter out. So what I'm helping you worth
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  with is increasing the amount of people you can appeal to, after
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  the initial swipe can't do anything about how you look.
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  Some people are just more attractive than other people and
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  if you want to work on that, I'm not the person.
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  I am not a makeup. Up artist or a, you know, a
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  stylist of any sort Bora photographer.
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  But what I can help you with is not to be one of the people that
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  ends up having these conversations that go nowhere or
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  a few dates that then go to nothing.
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  And the reason that people after they passed, this initial looks
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  or hide or whatever test. The reason that they don't end
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  up, getting pursued by whoever, they're talking to is generally
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  this because they're difficult, the women can be difficult.
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  The men can be difficult, it could be difficult in different
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  ways. So, with the women, the most
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  frequent way that they are closed minded and that they can
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  grow more open mind, it is sexually and physically.
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  So, if you are expecting that a man in his 40s, let's say, is
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  going to be interested in some endless Chase where it's going
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  to be three, four dates. And, for some reason, you
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  haven't had sex yet, he's not if you don't like sex, though, or
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  you really, really, really need to Wait until you know, somebody
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  that's like a core facet of your identity that you've explored
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  and this is like your deepest value is like not to have sex
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  before you've known somebody for like some arbitrary number of
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  dates. Well then you do you but what
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  you have to understand is you're obviously limiting the number
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  guys who are going to enjoy being with you now frequently.
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  Women say no, no, they're just going to sleep with you, they're
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  never going to call you again. Let me tell you something.
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  That isn't really, what happens? What really happens.
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  Is it is a man sleeps with you and he enjoys sleeping with you.
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  He feels even closer to you, could he loves it?
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  It was a great experience. You think he only wants to do
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  that one time? What the hell?
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  Why I mean like, you know, if somebody likes riding a roller
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  coaster, aren't they going to go get back on the road, closer?
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  They're not like, yeah, and I went on that, you know, it was
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  like the most awesome experience in my life, never want to do it
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  again. And that doesn't even make any
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  sense. So again, what I'm trying to do
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  is to dispel Illusions that's like, kind of my my Subtitle of
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  the podcast, you know, dr. Psych mom, show.
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  I dispel Illusions. And one of these Illusions is
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  this, that people are going to want to deal with a lot of
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  Hoops. People don't like to deal with a
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  lot of Hoops. They find those people
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  difficult. If your core identity is being
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  difficult, you are going to have fewer people that want to be
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  with you. Maybe those people will end up
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  more compatible or maybe you want to look internally and say,
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  am I too close? Minded is the reason that I do
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  not have the relationship that I want, because I am very
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  difficult to deal with, in whatever way the opposite sex.
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  If I'm dating the opposite sex or really just Humanity, things
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  would be difficult. So there are, I see so many like
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  messages or people tell me about messages or exchanges where it's
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  like, there's like a problem like right away.
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  You know, like, oh, II don't like this kind of food.
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  I don't like driving there. I don't like this.
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  I don't like that now. Who wants to deal with that?
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  Nobody wants to deal with that, you know?
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  And it also then there becomes like these sexual negotiations,
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  like he wanted to go home with me.
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  I didn't want to go with go home with him.
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  Okay. Do you like him all?
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  I do like him. Are you tracked it to him?
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  I am attracted to him. Why didn't you want to go home
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  with him? Oh, I don't do that.
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  But why not? Why don't you do that?
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  I'm talking somebody's like a 50 year old woman.
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  You not a virgin anymore. You do like you, you like the
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  guy you're attracted to the guy like like what stops you then
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  you know from going home with him if you want to?
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  Well, he'll only hurt me. So this is a closed minded
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  anxious person, right? This is a person who is
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  experiencing desire who might have had a wonderful experience,
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  you know, but is closing herself off from it because of certain
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  Interrogated. Diocese about the world.
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  Particularly biases that are relevant to.
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  This case would be that men are bad.
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  Men will hurt you. So Mendel one deal with that
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  shit you know they could smell it on you a mile away especially
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  if it's their second marriage. They don't want anybody who
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  remotely thinks that men are pieces of shit, right.
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  IMA make sense. Right?
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  So when the inverse makes sense to, so the man who's like, now I
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  can't do Tuesday because I have CrossFit well motherfucker.
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  Like if you liked the Abandon right?
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  They do you don't go to CrossFit.
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  Maybe that day. You just take a run, right?
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  I mean, shit, like your, you a fitness model?
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  Or are you, man has trying to get a deep with like the most
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  attractive in every way possible woman because such a woman isn't
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  going to last through a lot of Hoops, you know, and
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  difficulties on rescheduling this, you know, it's bad enough
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  when people have kids and they can't move their kids schedule.
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  But if it's like impossible for you as a man to make a date,
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  Because of your your exercise class and then your work meeting
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  and then you know you can't even change like the random ass shit,
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  you know, like like that. You said you oh well I go to the
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  grocery store on Wednesdays. Well, guess what?
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  Don't go to the grocery store on Wednesday is going said to the
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  grocery store on Thursday, you know, or whatever.
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  So, when you're very closed-minded about change about
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  growth, about openness about new ideas about new people.
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  And so, do you know why men do that?
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  I mean, what's relevant. It's the exact same reason, so
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  guys, who are very difficult to get, like to kind of have that
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  initial date with who have some sort of issue, or problem, or
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  constant scheduling issues or whatever, they fear and dislike
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  women from experiences that they've had, which is similar to
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  what the met the women feel about not going home with a Man,
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  Too Soon. They feel like, then the man
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  will hurt them. So, these men usually feel the
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  same thing. When you dig underneath, it's
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  not just the too difficult, they think women are out.
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  To manipulate and they are selfish and they just try to get
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  it their way. So then subconsciously, or
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  possibly even consciously, demanded saying it's not going
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  to go your way honey. Because I'm not going to go to
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  the Chinese restaurant on the night that you suggested it and
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  it's like, okay what do you win? You win.
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  Not being with that woman, you know, or any woman that is, you
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  know, wants to go to Chinese food on a Wednesday.
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  So you have to be open-minded if you want to increase your worth
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  in the dating market and be more.
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  Dude, by more people that are of a wider variety and thus,
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  including ones who you might find more appealing, and more
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  attractive than whoever you're currently interacting with.
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  You got to open your mind and be as flexible and and open really.
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  I mean, there's not too many, so many synonyms.
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  I could say the word is open. You got to be open on The Dating
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  Market especially after divorce. So many people get divorced
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  because the partner has been difficult.
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  So if you in any way appear to Be difficult.
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  It's not going to work. Now you might say if you're like
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  a master dr. Cyclops show Aficionado, you
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  might say, but what about that? You say that women who want to
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  get taken care of should not. For example, split the check on
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  the first date, isn't that? Not being very open and generous
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  listen, you're allowed to have preferences, just like, I'm
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  telling the guys don't don't keep waiting past a few dates
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  for the woman to sleep with you. If you like sex, she should
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  sleep with you. So it's the same.
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  If you like to get taken care of, he should pay for the date.
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  I mean like of course you want to see that he's going to want
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  to take care of you, that it isn't going to be this business
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  like cold arrangement. Of course, after the first few
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  dates, if you're in a relationship, then most people
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  start splitting, you know, be core.
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  It doesn't matter. Like you pay one.
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  I pay one, you know, never don't date.
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  Somebody just based on money and less.
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  Truly, your value is, is to be with a rich person.
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  I mean, that's not very deep but, you know, whatever you do.
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  You but like, if your value is to be with a man, who wants to
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  be romantic and to take care of you, at least in the generation
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  of people that I'm speaking to that is signified by the man
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  paying in the first date, maybe not gen.
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  Z coming up, maybe it's going to be totally different.
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  But you know, if you are even in your, you know, mid 30s and up.
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  Usually it means that the man pays on the first date,
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  indicates that he is a romantic and wants to take care of a
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  woman. Just like, if the woman wants to
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  be intimate with in the Few dates, she's a highly sexual
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  person. So if you're looking for highly
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  sexual person, never compromise on what's deeply deeply
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  important to you but it seems like many people think that
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  somehow they're going to get the same caliber of person.
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  No matter what you're not, you're not going to get the same
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  caliber of person, no matter what, because there are women,
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  who are really shooting themselves in the foot here
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  saying that they want an alpha confident man, but then they're
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  not going to sleep with him until like, you know, a couple
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  months into it. What the hell?
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  What kind Kind of alpha confident man that wants sex
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  that enjoy sex is going to wait that long when he's not 16 or 18
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  years old. None not.
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  So then what you end up with? Who will await that long?
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  Are the low sex drive man? You know, who maybe you're not
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  as Alpha and who may be a little depressed or have low T because
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  it is unusual for a man to have low sex drive specially in
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  dating such that there needs to be a problem.
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  Usually some people just have low sex drive, but I never heard
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  a woman say that what they want in a partner.
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  Carlos extra. That's funny.
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  Right, because it's not very funny but it's ironic because a
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  lot of them don't want to have sex later but every woman
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  instinctively kind of knows that the more confident active
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  interesting attractive men, generally, you know, our have a
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  normal sex drive if normal levels of testosterone.
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  So either way, you're not going to get the same person being
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  closed-minded as you are being open-minded.
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  Now, if you're again, like if you're like, no way, no.
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  How I'm totally not comfortable, you know, not going across fit
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  on Wednesdays. I'm totally not comfortable with
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  having sex on the fourth date, or whatever, then cool.
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  But you then don't complain and kind of acknowledge that what
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  you're doing is you're getting a very much smaller subset of the
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  available people out there and that is usually enough to start
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  to interrogate, why am I the sweat?
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  Is it out of fear? Is it out of Fear is the key
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  question because you don't want fear to be a main driver of how
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  you interact. That's never a good thing.
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  So, if fear it, fear of getting hurt, fear of getting taken
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  advantage of fear of being exploited.
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  If these are your drivers in terms of how you operate in the
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  dating market, then it is really highly likely that it's a
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  self-fulfilling prophecy and that with all of the
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  superstitious waiting till sex and waiting until, you know, the
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  woman shows that she will capitulate on the choice of
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  restaurant. All this stuff, it's you're
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  going to somehow end up 100%. I guarantee with somebody that
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  makes you unhappy, because your your self fulfilling prophecy.
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  Here is that the opposite sex is out to hurt me.
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  So in that case, as I've discussed numerous times, you
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  end up drawn to what's familiar. So in this case, if you realize
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  that fear is a big driver for you, when dating therapy can
• 16:29
  really help, you understand why. And Work through it so that you
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  can date with an open mind. No matter what you decide to do
• 16:36
  about sex scheduling paying anything else you this the
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  overarching idea behind this is you want to recognize if fear
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  and insecurity and scarcity and fear of exploitation are your
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  your main ah you know, philosophical underpinnings to
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  your dating life. And if so you really need to
• 16:59
  work on that before you can truly Ali.
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  Get up to what your full potential is, in terms of how
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  much you could be enjoying yourself.
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  All the people. You could be meeting and how you
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  could be, you know, possibly finding an intimate
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  relationship, which is generally the goal of dating.
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  Alright. Hope, this was useful and
• 17:17
  interesting and please do subscribe and I'll talk to you
• 17:20
  all soon.