Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Don't Tell Your Husband You're A Good Wife To Him When You Mean You're A Good Mother To The Kids

Transcript

Don't Tell Your Husband You're A Good Wife To Him When You Mean You're A Good Mother To The Kids · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about when women
• 0:11
  say that they're being a good wife but what they really mean
• 0:13
  is there being a good mom and before we get to that and I will
• 0:17
  explain what I mean. But before please do subscribe,
• 0:21
  my most recent episode was on what I call the stupid man cold
• 0:25
  idea and how it's pretty sexist and in fact science backs me up
• 0:30
  on on that it's not a fair thing to say so you'll probably want
• 0:34
  to listen to that because really a big part of why I do this
• 0:38
  podcast and my pose and everything is to help people
• 0:42
  interrogate their cognitive distortions.
• 0:45
  And one area of cognitive distortions is frequently gender
• 0:48
  bias. And certainly I wouldn't want
• 0:51
  men to go around saying that women are terrible.
• 0:54
  But also women going around saying that men are terrible,
• 0:56
  which is unfortunately, socially condoned more nowadays.
• 1:00
  That's also not good, you know? I mean that that's also unfair
• 1:03
  and it's Pretty fucked up, really?
• 1:06
  So that's why I do that. Okay, so what do I mean by, when
• 1:11
  women say that they are a good wife through?
• 1:13
  Really mean that they're a good mother.
• 1:14
  This is not all women obviously, but frequently in couples
• 1:17
  counseling. I mean, all the time in couples
• 1:20
  counseling, both people are trying to work on being better,
• 1:23
  spouses, sometimes that's because there's resentment.
• 1:26
  That's built up that prevents them from being a good spouse,
• 1:29
  sometimes, they are, they just never really learned what it's
• 1:33
  like to be in a Healthy relationship because of how they
• 1:36
  grew up. That's very frequent.
• 1:38
  I almost never see people in couples counseling where people
• 1:41
  had real healthy Role Models because otherwise would be a
• 1:44
  hell of a lot easier for them to be married, you know?
• 1:48
  And so a lot of times women say, I am a good wife to him and he's
• 1:54
  not a good husband to me. And when they have, when they
• 1:58
  give examples, the examples are not really being a good wife.
• 2:03
  They're being a good mother. And so there's a lot of women
• 2:07
  that say things like. Well, I do all the emotional
• 2:09
  labor. You guys know what I think of
• 2:11
  emotional labor? This is not even, I mean, I've
• 2:14
  discussed this a lot, but I mean, emotional labor was never
• 2:17
  meant to be to mean what it does.
• 2:20
  Now it was like, people like stewardesses and bartenders that
• 2:24
  have to be nice and happy as part of their job.
• 2:28
  That is emotional labor, but now it means doing the Christmas
• 2:32
  cards for your family, which thankfully I think is on its way
• 2:34
  out. A out.
• 2:35
  People don't say it as much anymore.
• 2:37
  But anyway, I deeply dislike it and I talked about why you could
• 2:42
  just go to dr. Psych mom.com.
• 2:44
  And look up emotional labor. I think I've liked for articles
• 2:48
  on it and I think a podcast to. But anyway, so they say, well,
• 2:52
  I'm the one who organizes holidays.
• 2:54
  I buy gifts for your mother, I make dinner and that nowadays,
• 3:00
  it's rare that the woman makes dinner all the time, but if she
• 3:02
  makes dinner, she makes dinner I do the various Camp forms, I
• 3:08
  signed the kids up for extracurriculars and on top of
• 3:11
  that like once a week you get to go do your hobby.
• 3:14
  And I don't even do that. I don't even have a hobby.
• 3:18
  So this is ways that I'm a good wife and you don't see what you
• 3:22
  see what's missing from the list, right?
• 3:24
  Is the number one thing that men want, which is physical touch
• 3:26
  and sex. So, but she says, look, I'm a
• 3:30
  good wife and all these other ways.
• 3:31
  And so, then that stops her from working on and really looking
• 3:35
  clearly at the things that she is not doing which are really
• 3:39
  the only things that matter to the guy.
• 3:42
  Because I, as I've talked about many times guys don't really
• 3:45
  care about acts of service. And if you look at it though,
• 3:48
  there's none of these acts of service that are really for him
• 3:50
  at all, therefore, the children. So my Criterion for something
• 3:54
  that makes you a good spouse is, you can't say that it makes you
• 3:59
  a good spouse if you would also do it after divorce, right?
• 4:02
  I mean like, that seems logical if You know, if you think about
• 4:05
  it like that, if you would do the thing after you divorced,
• 4:09
  then it can't be the exemplification of being a good
• 4:12
  spouse definitionally, right? So for for example, there is
• 4:17
  many women that complain about the emotional labor of picking
• 4:21
  the kids extracurriculars, right after divorce, the large
• 4:24
  majority of them become very upset.
• 4:27
  If they're not allowed to pick the extracurriculars and it
• 4:29
  becomes a positive, you know, because they always wanted to
• 4:33
  pick the extracurriculars And that maybe they didn't want to
• 4:36
  do the forms, but they'll pick doing the forms.
• 4:38
  If they also get to pick the extracurriculars, you know, and
• 4:42
  it's a or like vacation like they would plan a vacation for
• 4:47
  the family but they do that after divorce for them and the
• 4:50
  kids, you know, I mean so like it didn't really have to do with
• 4:54
  anything related to the man. In fact, if he died never even
• 4:57
  mind divorce but if he died she would do all these same things
• 5:00
  so then therefore can't really make her a good wife.
• 5:02
  So rarely do I see like Woman anymore, who cooks like, what
• 5:06
  are husband most likes for dinner?
• 5:08
  Even if it's not the kids, favor, in this case, and if he
• 5:11
  very much values food and used to get taken care of at home, by
• 5:15
  his mother cooking for him, and he very much values it and
• 5:17
  you're always making his favorites then cool.
• 5:20
  Maybe that is, you know, being a good wife, I rarely rarely see
• 5:25
  this. And, of course, it's a very
• 5:26
  different world. Now, there's doordash, there's
• 5:28
  all sorts of shit, you know, people eat out all the time men,
• 5:31
  cook much more frequently. I see I mean, I can't give
• 5:36
  numbers but it'll at least, I would say, half the time, if not
• 5:39
  more, the men in my office are the ones who are cooking for the
• 5:42
  family at least half the time if not more.
• 5:45
  So I mean that one all right. I guess, you know, if you're
• 5:49
  always if this is like a special thing between you guys and
• 5:52
  you're always making his favorite food, that's nice, you
• 5:55
  know, but you would here's another Criterion.
• 5:58
  He has some value with more than other things that he says that
• 6:02
  he actually values. So if you don't have Sex with
• 6:05
  him, but you're always making his favorite foods.
• 6:08
  If you ask him, directly do you. Would you rather the favorite
• 6:12
  foods or would you rather sex and he says food?
• 6:14
  Well, good, you're good to go. Unless, of course you, you know,
• 6:18
  cried and emotionally blackmailed him kind of saying,
• 6:21
  like, wouldn't you miss all these wonderful things that I
• 6:23
  make for you? And isn't that more important
• 6:25
  than just sex? And then he feels bad and
• 6:28
  whatever. And then he says, oh yeah yeah
• 6:30
  but like if you just outright ask him you know like would you
• 6:34
  rather Either I have the energy for more physical contact, or I
• 6:37
  really work on that or I go to therapy to address.
• 6:40
  Why I hate sex or whatever the case may be.
• 6:43
  Would you rather that or that I make all your favorite lunches?
• 6:46
  I mean he's going to say sex, you know in like 80% of the
• 6:49
  time, if not like 99% of the time I'm just being
• 6:53
  conservative. They are because whatever
• 6:57
  statistics I could find indicate that 20% of the time women are
• 7:00
  the higher libido partner. So in those cases may be the man
• 7:03
  really values the Food or whatever, you know, other things
• 7:07
  but it's got to be for him at all and this is like where it
• 7:11
  goes awry where the women say that something they're doing
• 7:13
  quote for the family is for him. No, it's something you would do.
• 7:17
  Even if he wasn't there, if you divorce you would be making the
• 7:21
  food for the kids during your night.
• 7:22
  So that would be half the time. You would be usually begging for
• 7:26
  more time really a majority you know of women that I interact
• 7:30
  with will always take the kids for an extra night after divorce
• 7:33
  and want them for Or more of the time than 50/50, even if that's
• 7:37
  what they have to have. So if you would want this and
• 7:41
  look forward to this and if you didn't look forward to coking,
• 7:44
  you would order out or whatever and you would keep your home
• 7:48
  nicely or clean or however you would do that after divorce.
• 7:51
  And you would obviously, as I said, try to pick out the
• 7:55
  extracurriculars or if not, you know, how they would have no
• 7:58
  extracurriculars, whatever you would do after divorce for the
• 8:01
  children, definitionally cannot be.
• 8:03
  You being a good one. So then there's a big one, which
• 8:06
  women put in that says, what about that?
• 8:08
  I maintain contact with your relatives and I send them
• 8:11
  present almost to a man, every man that's allowed to have an
• 8:15
  opinion. And of course, Every Man's
• 8:17
  allowed to have an opinion, right?
• 8:18
  Because some men struggle with passivity low self-esteem.
• 8:21
  They can assert themselves. So that's what I mean by not
• 8:23
  allowed. So I should really say in a
• 8:25
  dynamic where he is like we're it's not okay for him to talk
• 8:30
  which is co-created by him. For sure.
• 8:32
  There's no women that unless she has a gun to your head, you I
• 8:34
  can talk, right? But in some Dynamics it's not
• 8:37
  really like acceptable. That's just not what's done.
• 8:40
  So in all the Dynamics were the man's allowed to be honest.
• 8:42
  He says, don't do it. I never said, flowers to my
• 8:45
  mother on her birthday before I met you.
• 8:47
  I don't need to be sending him now.
• 8:48
  It's a nice thing you do, but it's between you and my mother.
• 8:51
  You don't want to do it, don't do it and of course post-divorce
• 8:54
  she would no longer do it, you know, in most cases but in some
• 8:58
  cases she's real close to the woman and you know they would
• 9:00
  send flowers back and forth to each other still, but it doesn't
• 9:03
  have anything to do with the guy.
• 9:04
  He doesn't want it, he didn't do it before.
• 9:06
  You know, he didn't value it. And when he was a teenage boy,
• 9:10
  you know he didn't think I really want a girlfriend so she
• 9:12
  could send flowers to my mother. You know what he thought was?
• 9:15
  I really want a girlfriend because we're going to do all
• 9:17
  these wonderful things in bed. She's gonna hug me and kiss me.
• 9:20
  She's going to look at me. Like she loves me.
• 9:21
  She's going to laugh at my jokes.
• 9:23
  She's gonna say nice things. She'll be encouraging and
• 9:25
  supportive. She'll be somebody, you know,
• 9:28
  smart and interesting and talented and whatever the case
• 9:32
  may be those, you know, like as he thinks Us more clearly, as he
• 9:35
  grows into an actual, man, most men value a woman who is, you
• 9:41
  know, obviously fascinating and interesting to them physically
• 9:45
  attractive and warm and loving physically.
• 9:48
  And this is pretty much it. So, I mean, if you're doing
• 9:51
  things that that aren't in that very traditional men, do want a
• 9:55
  woman who can keep a home nicely, but again, you've got to
• 9:58
  think about how you would keep the home without the man around,
• 10:02
  you know, if you would like to devolve into Off and you know,
• 10:06
  then then then do that. You know.
• 10:08
  I haven't evolved it into filth if you want and I mean he'll
• 10:12
  probably stepped forward and clean it.
• 10:13
  The fuck up if he's a guy that really values it and or at that
• 10:17
  moment, he would say well I guess we should get a
• 10:18
  housekeeper or, you know, we should I should do more we
• 10:22
  should hire out more or whatever.
• 10:24
  But if that's what's stopping, you then stop doing it.
• 10:28
  If that's what's stopping you from being physically intimate
• 10:30
  or affectionate then stop doing all those things because Again,
• 10:35
  in the large majority of cases, the man would find that to be
• 10:38
  much, much better of a situation and would actually, then think
• 10:41
  you were being a good wife, this stuff, he doesn't think her a
• 10:44
  good wife who thinks you're a good mother and that's nice.
• 10:46
  But like, sometimes women are like, I'm doing this for your
• 10:49
  kids. It's your kids to right?
• 10:51
  And you would still be doing it. Of course, you know, it is.
• 10:56
  It's interesting because it actually is the converse
• 10:59
  situation that actually makes some sense.
• 11:01
  Because many men act very different as a Father for the
• 11:06
  woman versus how they would act after divorce.
• 11:09
  So there's many fewer women, I changed how they act after
• 11:12
  divorce toward the children than men men, change how they act
• 11:15
  after divorce, almost immediately, they stopped all
• 11:18
  what they considered bullshit rules that didn't matter on
• 11:21
  their time, they bedtime gets a little bit more loosey-goosey.
• 11:26
  They don't want the kids to grow up anxious.
• 11:27
  So they start doing a lot of more activities and sports and,
• 11:31
  you know, trips with physical, you know, like Skiing and
• 11:35
  snowboarding just all this shit, right?
• 11:37
  And great. You know, that's cool and so
• 11:41
  they parent a lot different. The house isn't always clean.
• 11:45
  Everything isn't always as regimented because as I
• 11:48
  discussed frequently, men, don't initiate divorce often, as often
• 11:51
  as women, but when they do one of the reasons, the few reasons
• 11:55
  that they do is that the women are too rigid or anxious.
• 11:59
  So then when they get to parent on their own after divorce, they
• 12:02
  really want to remediate that. And to provide this
• 12:05
  counterexample where they are super flexible and the children
• 12:10
  become, you know, they just do more stuff, they travel, they go
• 12:14
  places, they can roll with things.
• 12:16
  They don't always have to eat at a certain way in a certain
• 12:19
  style, you know. Like that's what men value is
• 12:21
  the ability to be flexible and to be in all situations easily
• 12:26
  and therefore to, you know, to roll with shit.
• 12:29
  But when they're married, the woman really does not want the
• 12:32
  kids to roll with shit. Usually.
• 12:34
  And they mother, prioritizes more of a schedule and a
• 12:37
  routine, you know. So in a best-case scenario that
• 12:42
  those things can work with each other, right?
• 12:44
  So the woman can push more for routine.
• 12:46
  The man pushes more for adventure and the children, get
• 12:49
  both in a divorce situation. Sometimes they get a little bit
• 12:52
  too much of one contrasted with little too much of the other.
• 12:55
  The maybe it evens out and you know, maybe not, who knows.
• 12:58
  But but either way, that's what would be a best case scenario.
• 13:02
  But the woman doesn't usually change how she After a divorce
• 13:06
  because she was not parenting for the man.
• 13:09
  Whereas, the man was frequently parenting for his wife.
• 13:12
  He was parenting in ways that made her happy.
• 13:15
  She would say. Why don't you put down your
• 13:16
  phone and spend more time with Jimmy?
• 13:17
  And so, he puts down his phone, he spends more time with Jimmy,
• 13:20
  even if he had an important work email, he still puts his phone
• 13:23
  down, and he spends time with Jimmy, because it's not worth a
• 13:25
  fight and he wants her to be happy.
• 13:27
  So, that's the more common situation that I see, whereas,
• 13:31
  after divorce, if he has a work email, he'll finish that.
• 13:34
  And then Then he'll take Jimmy out and play, you know, or he
• 13:37
  won't, you know, maybe Jimmy will just do the we at night and
• 13:40
  not play with him that night and Jimmy doesn't die.
• 13:43
  Because, you know, Jimmy doesn't.
• 13:45
  But either way, previously, he was in a environment where it
• 13:50
  was perceived that Jimmy, might, in fact, die, if he was not
• 13:52
  responded to contingently in the moment, and the husband went
• 13:56
  along with this because he wants to make the woman happy.
• 13:59
  So here's so, that's the parenting piece but just to zoom
• 14:03
  out if you Do it after divorce, it's not being a good spouse
• 14:08
  because I've just really proven that, you know, ask and it's can
• 14:13
  just seems, you know, kind of intuitive.
• 14:15
  And so if you really trying, then to be a good spouse, you
• 14:19
  got to do what the person actually says that they value
• 14:22
  and it's got to be for them. And I've discussed a lot about
• 14:27
  how physical touch and acts of service or the kind of
• 14:30
  diametrically opposed Love Languages.
• 14:32
  Gift is one also its kind of the the most distant that you could
• 14:35
  get. So what are the ones where you
• 14:37
  don't actually even have to be around the person, you know,
• 14:40
  words of affirmation a little bit, you know, I guess you could
• 14:43
  text them the words of affirmation but it is fairly
• 14:45
  intimate, you know, to compliment somebody and in a
• 14:47
  real sense but gifts, you know, I mean you could just stop by
• 14:51
  something, you know, you put it under the tree and yeah, maybe
• 14:55
  the guy likes it. Maybe he doesn't.
• 14:56
  And it's just there among the various gift, you know, and for
• 14:59
  example, for Christmas, I'm saying and a lot of women don't
• 15:02
  exactly by the guy. What he would like anyway
• 15:06
  because he don't like anything because men don't like things
• 15:09
  really, they like experiences and I see this happen all the
• 15:12
  time. Where the woman's like, oh, why
• 15:13
  do I even get him? What does he even like?
• 15:15
  Well he doesn't really like much.
• 15:16
  What he would really like, is more sex, more touch, more
• 15:19
  warmth, but that's not on offer instead.
• 15:22
  You're trying to buy something, you know, from Sharper Image.
• 15:24
  So he doesn't really give a shit because he could buy that
• 15:26
  himself. But the and acts of service to
• 15:29
  as I've discussed many times, this is a very, this is the only
• 15:32
  one you could hire out out of all of them.
• 15:34
  M. So definitionally.
• 15:36
  It's not as intimate because you could hire it out.
• 15:38
  So an act of service of making somebody a meal or cleaning the
• 15:43
  house or whatever. Unless they take this very, very
• 15:47
  personally, which most men do not, then, you know, it is, it
• 15:52
  is pretty impersonal and it's also something you don't even
• 15:54
  have to be around. You could take your wife's car
• 15:58
  in for an oil change. Well, you didn't even spend time
• 16:00
  with her so for many women, it is.
• 16:03
  So there's of course, Many women, married to emotionally
• 16:06
  avoided men that don't want to engage romantically in the ways
• 16:09
  that they want where there are physical touch women, you know,
• 16:13
  even if their sex drive isn't, as high as a sex, as a high sex
• 16:16
  drive man. They still love physical touch
• 16:19
  and words of affirmation and quality time.
• 16:21
  And there's many emotionally avoided men that are the
• 16:24
  parallel to the emotionally avoidant women and they too like
• 16:28
  gifts and active service better because it's a hell of a lot
• 16:31
  easier to buy her flowers or to take her car in.
• 16:34
  In for an oil change than it is to hang out with her, which is
• 16:36
  what she really wants. And so physical touch is like
• 16:41
  the most intimate because you can only do that with your
• 16:43
  partner. You know, of course you can hire
• 16:46
  that out but it's not allowed in most marriages and that's not
• 16:49
  what people want. They don't want go to a
• 16:50
  prostitute then want to pay for a massage.
• 16:52
  Maybe they want to pay for a massage maybe supplement airily,
• 16:56
  but you know, you don't want to have to pay for touch and and
• 16:58
  it's actually illegal, you know, to do that in many places where
• 17:02
  as none of the other ones are, especially active service.
• 17:04
  But the pay for somebody to clean your house, that's
• 17:06
  consider that you're living the good life.
• 17:08
  There's like no no downside to that for most people.
• 17:12
  So, anyway, this is just kind of calling women out in the same
• 17:17
  ways. I call men out.
• 17:18
  In fact, I have a podcast that's titled all know, you don't only
• 17:22
  work to support your wife because that's a big one that I
• 17:25
  call out to. So like, yeah, I see a man.
• 17:27
  He's a lawyer, let's say he's wanted to be a lawyer since he
• 17:30
  was an argumentative little boy. And, you know, I did that, he
• 17:33
  decided to Be a lawyer and now he's a lawyer is corporate
• 17:36
  lawyer. Let's say or whatever kind of
• 17:38
  lawyer the only one I know really and and so I know it's
• 17:44
  states to that's another kind of lawyer but the point is so he
• 17:48
  always wanted to be a lawyer. So then if he says that he's a
• 17:50
  good husband for being a lawyer and having a lawyer salary that
• 17:54
  called bullshit, has that being a good husband?
• 17:56
  Yeah, you make money. You would also make money if you
• 17:58
  divorce or if she dropped dead you would still be a lawyer, you
• 18:02
  know, the same thing with a doctor.
• 18:04
  With any of these occupations, if there's a man that didn't
• 18:08
  work ever, and then he met his wife and decided to work at all.
• 18:14
  I've not met this person. I don't know how they would
• 18:16
  support themselves prior, you know?
• 18:18
  And there are some men I assume in the world, I don't know them
• 18:22
  who get a second job to only support the woman's clothes
• 18:25
  shopping habit. That sounds more like a
• 18:26
  caricature than anything else, but if these men exist, then
• 18:29
  certainly for them working is an exemplification of love, but for
• 18:34
  any Man, that would be working otherwise, the sun making you a
• 18:36
  good husband. You would do that shit.
• 18:38
  If you got divorced to, you'd still be working.
• 18:40
  So the point is like that could make you viable on The Dating
• 18:45
  Market because you have like a higher income but it doesn't
• 18:49
  mean that you're doing it for a woman that you didn't even meet
• 18:52
  yet, you know? And it's the same thing for
• 18:55
  women. You got to understand, are there
• 18:56
  things? You would be doing it anyway,
• 18:58
  even if your spouse didn't exist, well then you cannot
• 19:01
  double-dip and say that there's something that you're doing.
• 19:04
  For the spouse. So with the same for both
• 19:06
  genders, you cannot take something that you would be
• 19:08
  doing even if they drop dead or if they divorced you and then
• 19:13
  say that it's for them. You could say, it makes their
• 19:16
  life easier. But that is is secondary to the
• 19:20
  fact that you would be doing it anyway.
• 19:22
  So you can basically say I'm a good person to have in your
• 19:25
  life. I'm a pretty good roommate, but
• 19:28
  even in those cases, sometimes in fact, the things of the woman
• 19:31
  is doing that, she's saying make her a good wife actually make
• 19:34
  Her a worse wife and in the Man's eyes are worse mother and
• 19:37
  that's the interesting part. It's a lot of things are very
• 19:40
  rigid. Things have to go a certain way
• 19:42
  and like holidays or a huge Fiasco every year where she's
• 19:46
  like crying and she's exhausted and she just hit 25 different
• 19:49
  gifts. For each of the kids in every
• 19:51
  year, he's like, why do we have to do this?
• 19:53
  Let's let's just not do this so much and get the kids.
• 19:56
  Each it, one gift or two gifts and we're good, we're good.
• 19:58
  We don't have to get for extended family.
• 20:00
  Don't have to decorate the house like this, it's fine.
• 20:03
  And instead, He's pushing and pushing to do it.
• 20:05
  He acts that actually makes her a worse wife and then insult to
• 20:09
  injury. And even he feels the worst
• 20:11
  mother. Because of course, she's
• 20:12
  snapping at the kids in the interim and she's exhausted and
• 20:15
  then to have that thrown back in couples counseling.
• 20:17
  Is this is why I'm a good wife, because I make holiday so good.
• 20:20
  He doesn't think they're so good.
• 20:22
  He thinks that it's a, an artifact of anxiety.
• 20:24
  In fact. And for again, for men, anxious
• 20:27
  is like the worst, you know, because then prioritize being on
• 20:31
  constricted, feeling free, and feeling like, Like, you know,
• 20:36
  happy and like kind of an approach motivation.
• 20:40
  We call it versus an avoidance motivation.
• 20:42
  So, ideally healthy men, go into the world with an approach
• 20:47
  motivation. Oh, there's something over
• 20:48
  there. That's interesting.
• 20:49
  I'm going to go. Look at it.
• 20:51
  Oh, that's a problem. Maybe I'll try to solve it.
• 20:53
  Oh, that's a place. Maybe I would go visit it, you
• 20:56
  know? And so then when they are
• 20:57
  constructed from doing anything like that, because of the
• 21:00
  woman's fear of danger, AKA anxiety or rigidity.
• 21:04
  Then they feel in fact worse and they don't like their lives and
• 21:07
  they don't like their children being raised that way.
• 21:09
  So this is how the excessive planning and, you know,
• 21:13
  scheduling and all of this actually.
• 21:16
  It's not even just a neutral. In fact, many men think this
• 21:20
  makes the woman a worse wife and mother so it's even worse than
• 21:24
  that. It would be like the situation
• 21:26
  where a man says oh and of course I don't have time to be
• 21:30
  romantic or clothes because I work all the time.
• 21:31
  I have such a good salary so she should be so happy.
• 21:34
  Happy. I'm such a good provider.
• 21:35
  That makes me a good husband. And in fact, she's like, I've
• 21:37
  been begging you to take a different job by begging.
• 21:39
  You, we could do with much less money.
• 21:41
  Please get a different job. You know, I could go back to
• 21:45
  work, whatever it is and I want to have you around more.
• 21:48
  So in that situation, which is common, women are begging.
• 21:53
  The guy to not be a workaholic and instead he's gone all the
• 21:56
  time and insult to injury salt in the wound.
• 21:59
  He says, as though he hasn't heard any of her complaints
• 22:01
  about it. Oh, this makes me in.
• 22:04
  To good husband. No, it doesn't.
• 22:06
  It doesn't make you a good husband in her mind or a good
• 22:08
  father because although the children do have money they
• 22:10
  don't have them around. So that's how men feel about a
• 22:13
  very anxious, and constricted and regimented and overplay and,
• 22:18
  you know, parenting modality that their wife gets into.
• 22:22
  All right. Well I hope that this one opened
• 22:24
  up your eyes. This was a little longer than I
• 22:25
  usually do because I had a lot to say on the topic and it would
• 22:29
  be one that could you know, lead to a lot of self-awareness if
• 22:33
  you can listen. Anand offensively to it.
• 22:35
  And really, as it spoke about most both genders, it can lead
• 22:39
  to self awareness and really anybody listening.
• 22:41
  All right, guys, have a great day and I'll talk to you soon.