Latest / Jess Ask / Boundaries vs. Walls: How to Protect Yourself Without Shutting Down | EP145

Transcript

Boundaries vs. Walls: How to Protect Yourself Without Shutting Down | EP145 · Jess Ask

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Yo, it's your girl Jessica and Smith, and you already
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: know that you've entered the safe space for influencers to decompress,
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: have fun and just ask God for another do you
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: already know what it is?
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: And then you know it's about to get real.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: To be sure to show your girl the love and like,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: come in subscribe God.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: For another day?
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Hey, hey, I know we could be another way?
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Yo, yo, yo, is your girl Jessica and Smith, and
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: you have entered the safe space where influencers decompress, have
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: fun and gets what just as as yes? And you
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: know that I do nothing without my girl? Does a righty?
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: Does does a rate? There's a rape? Does a rate?
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Does a rate? Does a rate? Who happens to have
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: her shoulders out today? While you got your shoulders up?
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: While you why are you trying? Why are you trying
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: to be these eggs? That's how the shirt mane. It's
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: just it's a long sleeve shirt. Does the straps come
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: with the shirts? So you put that under the that's
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: your top top, okay, but your shoulders it's like your
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: chest area. If you can't see it on the audible version,
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: her chest is her skin is skinny. It looked like
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: she puts some wool. I'm glad you lotioned up. I'm
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: glad you're not asked because and uh, you know, it's
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: in a dry season outside out in the physical in
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: the outside with the weather. We're not in the dry seat.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: We don't claim that. You know, when you outside the
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: environment outside cold, it's a little cold, you know, the
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: abby a little dry, so it make your skin and
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: your have LIGs to dry, so you gotta steak. It
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: looked like you know you ain't got no fat up.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: There was good. You look wonderful. I know, I know
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: your Man of God like Crystal Crystal. You know Crystal
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: beginnings together, Crystal. Oh yes, shout out to Crook. Shout
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: out to Crystal, because she she this past week. I
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: wanted to. I wanted to give her every word outside
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: of the will of the Lord, because them arms, she
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: seemed like she was just very much so targeted on
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: making sure we got them the wings together, the arm.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: I think, if you don't got a good cuts out
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: in your spirit, you mean, ain't none happening, Ain't nothing happening.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: But I really wanted to go off on her because
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: I don't like working out my arms, but I need
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: to that's the part of our avoid because the leg workout.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: I'm getting it in. You know, the legs are legging,
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: but the arms are a little still flabby. But we're
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: working on that. We're working on that. I think it's
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: just naturally like women, we naturally go to the bottom,
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: you know. One we want to get that duke. Du Yeah,
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: because the duke. But you know, like upper bodies sometimes
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: don't be strong. Yeah, So it's a little bit. We're
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: just worried about, like not to be in fat, but
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: like tone or whatever, because like even in the chest area,
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: Like I didn't know that that was a muscle, that's
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: a whole muscle. Ba baby, I didn't know how much
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: fat was on now until I started losing it. You
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. You really you think you were
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: a triple D, but you really not. It's just fat.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: It's just extra fat. Just get it together, men and
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: women of God. Okay, does a real I don't want
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: to talk about this today? Why are you Jessica? Were
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: talking about boundaries today? We are talking about and apparently
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: this this conversation and this topic subject puts Jessica has
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: just cutting her feelings a little bit. It's because, okay,
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: let's start with this. I don't see a problem with
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: your with people's boundaries or whatever. I'm wanting to honor boundaries.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: I think that this has been a challenging space and
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: how this and how this conversation is coming up is
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: the most irritating. It's most irritating because it keeps repeating
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: itself in different forms. Mostly I'll just be direct different people.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: And the disappointment that comes with dealing with this, I
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: think I'm gonna take my glasses off right now. But
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: the disappointment that comes with the lack of boundaries has
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: I don't know, it has me in question, you know
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying, like why does this keep happening to me?
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: Or why does this like why do I have to
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: set up parameters because other folks don't know how to
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: act right or other people don't know how to handle me,
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: or other people don't know how to honor me? And
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: I think that relationally, I thought it was just, you know,
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: maybe I didn't do well with manager boundary boundaries or
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: parameters with men, But quick I recently found out that
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: I don't do well with the women either, you know,
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: And that hurts me, does a ray because or it's
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: frustrating for me because I when I I thought I had,
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: like when I had my wall up regarding like, uh,
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: women being in my life and me not being free
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: enough to just indulge fully. It came from a place
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: of I've been tried here already, and I just brought
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: my boundary, like I just brought this wall down, and
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: now I feel like I have to put a wall
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: back up, not a boundary, but a wall, and I'm
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: struggling with that. I think you I'm glad you kind
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: of differentiated those two. I think you know we give
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: boundary gets a negative connotation because we equate boundary in
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: wall as the same thing. And it's not. Boundaries are healthy.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: They're meant to be safeguards around things, places, relationships and
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: things like that, whether they're you know, friendships, whether they're
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: romantic relationships. Boundaries, I believe are are necessary. Where we
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: get it twisted sometimes is because we've been hurt before.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: Now we are guarded by walls. So I'm s I
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: I I think of a wall as like a almost
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: like an impenetrable space. Even if I put a nail
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: in this, we put a nail in the wall, like
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: the wall is still there. I think boundaries give give
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: us a flexibility. It's still it's It gives us safeguards,
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: but it also gives us flexibility to flow in and
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: out of uh relationship. Like I get to choose whether
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: I can keep this boundary here, I can move the
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: boundary back, I can push the boundary forward. But I
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: need this boundary because this is what keeps me safe. Yeah.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: So a boundary definition by Oxford Language, you know, it
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: says it's a noun a line that marks the limits
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: of an area, a dividing line. And so in preparation,
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: so let me just give you all a backstory, not
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: on what happened, but on what keeps presenting like itself.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: And y'all know I'm in therapy, right, and I told
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: y'all that I've been in therapy for about two years now. Yeah,
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: and it's working. And when you the thing about therapy
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: is that when you think you're done with therapy and
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: you're like, oh, I'm gonna graduate, something else comes up. Okay,
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: something comes up, and it's like, dang, I thought I
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: was finna be graduated. No, this process two years now,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: two years we're gonna say two. Okay, this process has
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: been interesting. It's been a roller coaster. I thought the
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: biggest hump I had to get over was that man
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: that I was dealing with. You know what I'm saying,
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: Let's just be quite frank, because you know he tried
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: it this week. But anyway, I thought that was the
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: biggest hump I had to get over. But the biggest
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: hump I've had to get over is myself. Like I'm
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: thirty four years old, and I have thirty four years
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: of experiences that haven't been dealt with or properly dealt with,
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. And so that's also what
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I'm learning. Shout out to my therapist. If you see
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: this girl, I love you because you know the algorithm.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: She has come for me past the past several sessions.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: She has come for me and asked the same question
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: at the end, and she's always asking something that's centered
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: around Jessica. What do you see here that looks like
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: other things? Right? And so this past week I had
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: an emergency I call them emergency therapy sessions, uh huh,
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: because Jessica Jessica was gonna reveal her middle name okay,
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: and that that's the web side. But y'all say I'm
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: from a web side. But I was gonna show it, okay,
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: So I had I test my therapis and said, I'm
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: about to lose it. I can't wait the monday. She
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: was like, okay, I got time this day, and I
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: made time for it, and in that at the end
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: of everything, she asked me. She was very intentionally. She said,
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: I don't know if you've been paying attention. I left
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: several sessions, but I asked you something correlated to patterns,
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: and I really want you. It's just like, although these
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: things have been done to you and these people are
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: wrong and it's not fair for certain things to happen,
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: I need you to look at what you've been allowing
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: and what you keep what the pattern that keeps happening.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Because at first I was like, yes, you know, every
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: time I get you know, vulnerable with you know, women,
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: I have this problem. This is why I didn't think
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: I was called the women. This is why I didn't
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: think I I would do relationships women. This is why
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: I always say, you know, I only have male relationships
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: because X, Y and Z. But obviously the male relationships
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: have been working out too well either. But there's multiple
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: things that have happened in this year alone, in the
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: year just got started, were in the first quarter of
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: the year, and things male and female have happened. And
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: so it's like, no, it's not a species issue. Know,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: it's not this. This is an issue that keeps presenting
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: itself and you're not getting it, Jessica, you're not getting it.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: And so she asks me, challenged me on my boundaries.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: He challenged me on she said, I know this is
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: not you know this word. She's like from people that
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: you really love and care about to people that you
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: don't know. And I think that for me, when I'm
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: evaluating boundaries, I evaluate boundaries to a point where people
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: that I don't know. I managed that pretty well. Like
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: I'm like, you know, this is what I'm not gonna do.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: This is what I'm not gonna I'm not gonna tolerate this.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: You're not gonna do that because there's no connector. But
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: as soon as I feel a connection, as soon as
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: I get time with people, as soon as I can
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: see the potential of a person, and as soon as
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I do that, that's when my heart gets broken. And
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: I was like I genuinely asked her. I was like,
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: how do I how do I navigate building these boundaries
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: with people I'm supposed to be able to be free with?
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: How do I be? How am I free? But I'm
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: have this boundary like it for me? It doesn't the correlate.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: I'm missing it. So desil Ray has already also talked
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: to me about this. So this is a Desilt Ray court.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: This is like a sister's sister conversation that I'm having
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: openingly because I feel like I'm not the only person
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: that struggles with it. So boundaries, boundaries. When you think
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: about boundaries, does a ray You've already told us your
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: definition of it. But when it comes to me, you
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: can put me on the on the on the chopping board.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: When it comes to me, what do you feel like
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: I'm missing when it comes to boundaries, I think, like
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: you said, I do believe that it's easy. It's easier
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: to set parameters around for people that you don't know, right,
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: But it's when you get to a level of comfort
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: and vulnerability, like when you get into a space where
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: it's like, oh man, okay, like we're good. I can
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: I feel like I can be vulnerable in this area
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: with people. Do I just believe that you're you love hard? Okay? Right,
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: I believe you love hard? And I think also, and
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: the word boundary just has to become more positive like
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: we have even if we don't put language to it.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: The truth of the matter is we have boundaries me and you. Yes, Okay,
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: can you give me a sample because I was sitting
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: here thinking like, do we have boundaries in our relationship?
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: What does that look like in our relationship? So I
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: think they may not. In honestly, they may be unspoken.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: You know, there's boundaries that can be spoken and unspoken. Okay,
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: So let's say, hold on telephone. Okay, what about the telephone, right,
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: I think you there's a time, there's certain days that
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: you know where I'm in certain places, right, and you
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: won't call. But if you do, if I if I
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: see my phone ring and you call me, I'm gonna
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: automatically think that something's wrong, right because in that space
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: I don't necessarily but I'm talking about this line, right,
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: So man, in the salon, I don't necessarily I don't
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: answer my phone because I respect the people's time that's there, right,
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: the people that are around me that know me know that.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: So if they're calling, I'm thinking that it's an emergency
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: and it's something needs to be handled. So I called them,
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: called them right back. So even though it's something as
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: small as that, that's still a boundary, you know. Was it, hey,
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: don't call me during this time? Is we've had you do?
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: You know? No? D? And I had to say, Hey,
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: I just don't answer the I don't answer the phone
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: during this time. That's a boundary, you know. It's not
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: like a hey, like don't ever call me da da da.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: It's like, during this time, I just respect blah blah blah.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: And that's a boundary that this wasn't necessarily this is
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: a boundary around this, but it's I expressed how I
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: choose to operate during this time. And because you love
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: me most of the time, you don't call unless it's
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: an emergency that you call. You know what I'm saying,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: that's a boundary. Yep, that's a boundary. But now I'm
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: sitting here thinking like, Okay, what I what boundary I
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: got for you? Like I don't know if I have
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: a boundary for you. I genuinely, I genuinely, and it
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: makes me on a cry because it's like, dog get now,
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: I'm sitting here thinking like, Okay, we have a healthy relationship,
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: Like we have a healthy but that's just showing you that,
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: like boundaries aren't bad. That's not like a hey, I
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: don't like you, like we can't do this. It's just
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: during this time and my mam and everybody knows that. Yeah,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: Like that's just a space because I have I'm serving
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: in this space of other people. I just respect that space.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: And I do believe that people understand that. So it's
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: not like, hey, we're not good or anything like that.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: It's just during this time. I think I've expressed I
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: just don't answer the phone any time. Yeah, And that's
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: a healthy bound it's a healthy boundary, and I get
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: that and I see that. But my issue right now
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: is that I'm thinking, like, what's my boundary with you?
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: Does a ray like we have a healthy relationship, what
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: is Jessica's boundary with DESI Ray like, or not even
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: just deser Ray. But because we're using this as an example,
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: like even though it's healthy, you've been able to say Jessica,
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: I love you, but this I'm not this, you know
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying, but I appreciate you honoring, but now
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: I'm seeing it like I don't know, I don't know
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: if I got a boundary for you. I can't think
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: of when I made the same boundary for myself for you,
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: Like I don't necessarily call you during today because I
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: know you're on the folks clock and when you on
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: when you're on the clock, like I know, like your
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: brain is like said, so that's why I text a
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: light person most of the time. Yeah, and I hate texting.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: I hate texting really bad. And so that's why I
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: choose to call just go ahead and say what I
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: need to say. All I say voice record is which
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: jose told me stop sending him podcast. So that hurts
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: my feelings right now because you don't have a boundary,
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: because I can't even think of one, and it's like
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: this is what this is what my therapist is talking about.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: And I really I don't know if in my mind
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: if I feel like there shouldn't be one, or if
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: I'm I don't know if I look at boundaries as
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: safeguards to where it keeps me away from people. But
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: if you're in that safe space, like if you're in
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: my safe space if you're I'm I'm doing life with you,
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: desil right, Like why am I thinking about a dog
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: on boundary? Like why am I thinking? The only boundary
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: I think I have right now and that I can
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: just speak to that's evident to me is like my calendar.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: If I put some on my calendar, I don't care
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: what it is, and something else come up, I'm like, hey,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: I got this, but if I need to do this,
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna have to figure out something, you know what
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: I'm saying. Or like even with my church, this was
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: a big thing. I had to make it very clear, Hey,
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: I ta before I moved here and before this was
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: a thing or this was offered, I committed to this.
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: This is what this is doing for me. I had
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: to say that several times. You know what I'm saying,
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: Like I know that you want me here, but I
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: commit it to this. I love you and I don't
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: have a problem with doing this, but I can't do
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: it because I commit it to this first. If something
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: get on my calendar or whatever and I have to
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: like navigate it, it's hard for me, you know what
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: I'm saying. So my calendar may be my boundary. Like
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: with my time. That's I guess that's the safeguard for me.
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: But as far as everything else, I genuinely can't think
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: I think you have. Like I said, I think it's
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: the word boundary is not necessarily attached to some of
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: the things that you have in place that you don't
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: probably realize there actually boundaries. There's probably certain spaces with
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: people friends that you may not share certain things with,
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: or certain areas about your life with certain people. That's
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: a boundary. So I ain't gonna lie. Some of it's
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: a wall. It's a wall. I'm gonna be honest about that.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: Some of it's a wall, and it's because folks then
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: miss them around and found out if I give okay,
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: this is very transparent, you know what I'm saying. I
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: want to get to a resolve. And I'm talking out
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: loud about this because there's a ray and I haven't
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: had this conversation about what me and my therapist talked about,
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: but it's real time. We just have this conversation, y'all.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: Just get to leave, y'all, just get to listen and
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: be a part of it. Like, I don't ever want
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: to come off as I'm not perfect. I am not perfect,
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: and I think this that's I'm sick of podcasts that
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: resolve around, oh, I'm perfect and I got an answer
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: for everything. Sometimes you just need to talk stuff through
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: and talk out loud about it. And I'm not gonna
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: leave you hanging, even if it's a second part of
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: this episode, right, But I genuinely I can think of
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: one person right now that I have probably you know,
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: taken a step back, because when certain situations happen and
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: you present yourself not once, but twice in a certain situation,
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: it's like, hold up, we're not gonna do is this.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: I don't like how I feel right here, So let
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: me just block you all together. And I know how
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: to keep it cute. That's I'm sorry. I get that
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: from my mom. My mom, baby, my mom. Shout out
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: to my mama. Okay, my mama knows how to keep
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: it cute. But when she's gone, she is dipping no
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: matter who what. When we're how okay, the thoughts like
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: on my dad's portion, I've also seen you know what
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: I'm saying, Like I've even found things out recently. They're like, Daddy,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: why are you even giving this person the energy or
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: the time of day. You get what I'm saying, like
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: what's going on? Like we not need to do that.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: I struggle also with the whole idea of living in righteousness, forgiveness,
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: doing things as a lord. I was reading this article
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: and I sent it to you, and it's a well,
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: I think it's not necessarily even just the article. I
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: think it's in a book called the Journal of Biblical Counseling,
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: and it looks like it was released in two thousand
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: and four, so it's it's a little dated. But this
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: guy named Edward T. Welch wrote in this book it's
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: called Boundaries and Relationships, And I've been like, I'm seeking
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: out answers on how does Jessica set boundaries and not walls,
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: because they're very close. They're very close in nature. Boundaries,
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: like we said, is a line a wall? Is what
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: it is? It is a wall, Like you can't see
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: over it, you can't see through it or whatever, but
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: you know there's a line you can still see me.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: There's a level of transparency and maybe vulnerability. But this line,
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: if you cross it, you come into this territory that's
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: not for you, right, And so I get that in
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: my mind, I get that in my intellectual mind, but
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: making it practical it's hard for me. So I'm sitting
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: here like doing avid research ch on boundaries, and one
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: person that I know that does like talks about it
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: is also what's her name, Mel Robbins. She has that
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: book Letting the Help Them. I'm gonna have to reread
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: it for my soul because I read it. I read
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: it with my mind first, I need to read it
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: with my soul. But basically, Edward Welch was talking about
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: boundaries and relationships, but the way he came about it
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: it irritated me because the resolve for me, the result
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: for me was, hey, don't look at it like a boundary.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: You need to operate in love and discernment. And I'm like, okay,
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: so I ain't got discernment, you know what I'm saying,
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: Like I'm I'm like, you're giving this biblical approach to boundaries, saying,
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: you know, okay, God obviously made boundaries when he created.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: You know, if we go back to the beginning, when
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: you think about Adam and Eve and and saying hey,
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: there are two trees here. You can eat from this tree,
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: but don't eat from this tree. That would be a
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: technical bound because they can see the tree. They God
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: didn't put no wall over the tree. And then when
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: they crossed their boundaries, that was repercussions for that boundary.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: I get that, but how do I make that practical
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: for me? And you're just telling me, okay, love, have love.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: Don't look at it a boundary because boundaries were broken.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: He basically makes the argument that boundaries were broken when
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: Jesus entered the into the earth and die for our sins,
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: because the boundary of broken was broken to get to God.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: But there's still a standard there. I have to accept
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: Jesus as my Lord and savior. The word says no
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: one comes to the Father except through me. But that's
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: technically a line that's been drawn that if you don't
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: accept him, Hey, I can't. I can, I can love
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: my creation, I can do all this, but I can't
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: fully accept you until you accept me. You get what
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: I'm saying. And so he was basically saying, well, look,
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: you know you need to look at it through love
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: and discernment. I'm like, what am I missing? What am
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: I missing through love? And what am I missing through discernment?
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: That don't help me? And then the whole idea with
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: meil is she says let them, but also not just
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: let them, but let me. And to let me is
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: more so of an idea of I guess, since they
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: are doing this, this is how I digested and I
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: could be so wrong, y'all. I could be so wrong,
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: and I'm okay with that. The comments are open, Okay,
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: the comments are open, all right. The idea of let
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: me comes from Okay, not necessarily all the way, but
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: since this is what they decide to do, my response
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: has to be different, and I feel like maybe I'm
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: digesting that wrong. That's why I'm out of to reread
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: that book. But even just like the idea of embracing that,
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: it's okay not to give them all of myself. But
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm an all or nothing type of girl,
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: Like it makes me feel like I don't have I
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: don't I can't fully be me. That's probably what I'm
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: looking for, Like I can't fully be me. I was
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: gonna say, I think the idea of a boundary you
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: hear bondage, you know what I'm saying, Like as as
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: you're journeying in a space where you're learning to fully
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: like you're you're walking through freedom and healing. Right. So
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: I think because you're I think the idea of a boundary,
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: you're attaching it to the lack of freedom. You know
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying, because you just said, hey, I give
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: all or nothing. So if the idea of a boundary,
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: it's almost kind of like it's something that's holding you back.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: But I think if you if you think about what
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: your therapist said, she said, there's a pattern of something, right,
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: that doesn't mean your whole life has to be boundaried.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: That means there's an area that clearly we need to
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: examine to see why this particular pattern keeps coming up,
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: and maybe put some safeguards around this area so that
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: this pattern does not keep happening. Because obviously this pattern
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: keeps happening and it keeps leading you into a space
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: of hurt. So let's not let's be proactive about it, right.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: So that means, hey, if there's an area in my
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: life that I know, and this don't mean and this
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: don't mean you cannot be free. You can still be
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: your whole self. But this space right here until we
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: are able to I think, until I think the thing
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: is like people are not gonna respect the boundaries until
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: you respect the boundaries that you put in place. So
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: it's like, if there's a space that there's a pattern
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: that continues to happen, that's unsafe for you. So the
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: boundary is, Hey, I need to feel safe. I need
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: to make sure that I am able to be my
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: whole self in this space. And because of that, I'm
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: gonna have to put a couple of guardrails right here
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: in this particular area until I can figure out and
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: understand what's happening and then allow people to then respect
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: that space as well, because I do. But as I'm listening,
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: and it sounds like you're literally it like boundaries for
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: you means bondage, and you're and it's like, but I'm walking,
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: I'm walking this freedom thing out, you know what I'm saying.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: And I and I don't see how I can be
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: free if I have boundaries. But really freedom comes with
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: the boundaries. Boundaries come with the freedom. I can see
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: that I can agree with that. I can agree with that. Yeah,
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: because I fought I have fault to be this free.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: I have fault to be this free. I just I
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: think that I don't produce boundaries until pain until pain.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: So it's reactive and not and not proactive. So I
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: don't know how to proactive. That's I am genuinely like,
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: how do I proactively? Because how do I proactively create boundaries?
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: And this is frustrating to me because you just have
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: to start in the space that needs the boundary. We're
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: not you don't have to put your whole life on
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: guard right now, because that's not that's obviously not. There's
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: an area somewhere, there's an area that needs a safeguard,
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: and I think it's tapping into that space, whatever that
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: space is. And what does Jessica need in order to
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: make sure that she's safe in that space that this
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: continual pattern does not keep happening from whoever's happening from,
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: I don't care who it is. Yeah, yeah, okay. So well,
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: one boundary that we established resettling, well, I came up
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: with it after talking to my brother in law. My
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: brother in law is I mean on the phone with
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: him and he was just doing some encouraging and while
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: we were talking, I heard the Holy Spirit was telling
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: me to tell him that I was gonna utilize like
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: utilizing my people, like so before my freedom, I wasn't
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: even utilizing my people as far as like accountability and
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: stuff like that. And so I feel like I've gotten
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: better with the accountability and being naked and vulnerable even
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: when it's really really bad. And so it's kept me.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: I've still experienced pain, but it's kept me like not
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: digging myself into more pass that's that's that's a boundary. Yeah.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: So okay, So accountability is a type of boundary. You
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: would say that, Yeah, it's a it's a it's a
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: it's a it's a proactive boundary, if you know. That's
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying, Like, you just kind of gotta open
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: your mind to what a boundary is like if you know, hey,
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: there's areas that I don't need to be in my
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: own thoughts about the boundary is let me share with
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: somebody that I trust. Okay, Okay, that's safeguarding you. That's
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: helping you in that in that particular area. It's not
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: where we were we rewiring what boundaries are. So that
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: for you is a boundary. Hey, me being vulnerable and
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: accountable in this area is a boundary for me. That's
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: keeping me safe. Like I think you have to as
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: you're building these boundaries. We're gonna have to be a
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: little I'm gonna call it selfish in this in this space,
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: it's what does Jessica need in these areas to make
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: sure that Jessica is safe and can still walk out
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: her freedom in these spaces. So if if having a
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: level of accountability is a part of that that safety
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: in that guardrail, then that's a part of that's a
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: part of the boundary that we're gonna walk in. Yeah,
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: you just said something that's triggered me. What what does
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: Jessica need? Like the selfish word, because Jessica is typically selfless,
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: Like that's I think that's the problem, Like not not
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: a problem, but you love hard and love big, and
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: it's all like from a genuine space, but it's always
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: about the other person. So I think also a probalyg
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: frustration is that Jessica has to sit in like Jessica
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: needs to do what Jessica needs for herself, Like what
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: does Jessica need to feel safe? When you did that
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: for you, what that looked like? What you mean like
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: outside of just like your work and time, give me
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: another boundary that you feel like you have. And I
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: don't want you to say church either, because that's a
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: strong boundary for you too, Like I don't even when
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: folks asks me, can she do Sunday, No, if it's
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: between the hours of six am and two pm, she
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: probably not gonna do it because she at the church house.
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. I know that's a strong
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: boundary for you as well, but I don't what other boundary.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: How did you set this up for you? Like have
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: you always been like this progress? I started with what
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: I needed for me to feel safe and functional, right,
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: So my morning time it starts really early, right, but
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: my morning time is set aside for quiet time with
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: the Lord and for the gym. Right also, and like
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: I met, like on Wednesdays, particularly Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays,
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna start actually doing work, if possible, until
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: a certain time because I need the morning to be
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: able to like recuperate from working in salon ten twelve
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: hours a day on Mondays and Tuesdays. But that morning
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: time for me is needed in order for me to
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: that's every day, Like every day I'm waking up at
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: some point time early in the morning to spend time
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: with the Lord as like you know, people be like, oh,
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: you know, spend time with the Lord. No, I need that. Yeah,
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: I need that in order for me to function throughout
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: the day and be able to surrender my thoughts and
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: my ideas. I need to spend time with the Lord
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: in the morning, being vulnerable with him because I have
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: that's the issue for me sometimes, like as I'm talking about,
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: as we talked about me finding my voice and being
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: comfortable voice, I have to first start in the intimate,
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: in a quiet place with him, sharing the things that's
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: on my heart my mind that I either have kept
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: bottling in for a long time, or things that I
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: don't think I can share with other people. Sometimes I
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: have to release that off in the morning in order
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: for me to be functional. So during that time, the
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: phone is don't do not disturbed. And when I come
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: out of that space, if somebody has called or sent
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: a message or something like that, then I will respond back.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: But that's a boundary for me. I have to I
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: need that time for myself in order for me to
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: make sure that I'm good mentally spiritually. Okay, when you
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: said do not disturb, I do have that boundary, Okay,
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: I have. I have my phone on do not disturb
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: and there's been times where you'll be like, hey, I'm
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: turning my phone off. I know that mean hey, I'm
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: not gonna I'm not whenever she ready, but come back
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: to the world. Obviously she needed this space. That's cool,
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: And I don't feel I don't feel offended about he
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: or anything. I just know that's some time like and
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: you don't do it that often, but when you do,
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, that means she really needs this time
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: and that's okay, that's a boundary. Yeah, okay, all right.
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: I think I think I think the stressor is the
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: relational part. Yeah, the stressor. The stressor part is like, okay,
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: what does Because my my therapist gave me an example
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: where she c she didn't honor the boundaries with her
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: and just like even communicating and introducing herself to new relationship,
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: and she gave me an example, and I can just
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: generalize it basically, you know, meeting somebody new and giving
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: her phone number after the first conversation, that's a boundary
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: that she doesn't cross, like I don't. We don't just
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: meet and then all of a sudden we exchange numbers.
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: And when she crossed that boundary, it it went the
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: way that boundary crossing looks like. And so she was
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: trying to give me that example. And so I think
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: I'm just I guess in my mind because I am
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: in like protect juessca mode. I don't know how to
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: protect myself without walls. I don't even I can be honest.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: Right now, there's a relationship out there that I was hurt,
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: and there's a couple of them that I was hurting
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: in that I've been trying to personally navigate. Lord, do
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: I'm supposed to be in this relationship because I still
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: feel the wall. I still feel the wall based upon
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: what happened in the relationship. I'm scared to introduce myself
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: fully to them because they had me fully and mismanaged it.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: Or they looked at me. Let me not say that
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: word because it would give certain things away, but they
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: looked at me and saw me in a way that
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: I did not present myself. But they saw me in
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: this way. And I'm just like, no, if you knew it,
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: like for you to say, j Justic, you love hard,
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: you have a big hard. But then I get combated
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: and informed or treated as I'm not that person or
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: I was very selfless in the act or you know
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying, because some people I've been told before,
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: like I'm trying to be very careful with my words,
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: my language right now. I've been told before just almost
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: like the outgoing version of me is kind of overwhelming
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: for other people. And so I've even dimmed my what
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: you would consider dimming your lights. It's like, okay, well
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: you know, let me let me not move like this
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: around you let me know, and I you know, that's
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: basically trying to make people feel good, you know what
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: I'm saying. But when it's time to make Jessica feel
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: good or to do you know Anna Juska, It's like
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: these things come up and I'm like, dang, I like,
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: how did I miss that? And so I think what
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: I'm thinking about more so with boundaries is boundaries in
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: relationship and how can I safeguard myself and not to
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: because I do see people's potential. I do see what
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: people where, people are what God has called them to be,
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: even if they choose not to be there. You know
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying, I do see you know what I'm saying.
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: That's why supposed to all like you always giving, you
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: always a free because you know, I just I can
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: see and I want you to see it. You know
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying. That's why I've been in a lot
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: of broken relationships, you know what I'm saying as far
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: as the male species, because I can just see beyond
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: the point of view, you know what I'm saying. And
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: so my fear is is that I don't learn boundaries
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: and the boundary is really a wall. And I know
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: I can honestly say that, like I know how to
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: put a wall up, and then I make you feel like,
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: ain't no wall up. Ain't you ain't gonna feel the wall,
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: but I know the wall is there, you know what
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: I'm saying. So I don't know, DESI ray. I'm genuinely
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: interested in this process and I really want to fight
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: to be better. I also don't want to be played again,
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: and I don't know if a boundary is enough to
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: do it. If I can be very honest, if I
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: can be very transparent, I don't know if a boundary
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: if just like you said earlier, you said, well, I
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: don't call you either because I know you on the
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: folks clock. That's basically you saying because I under my
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: time and honor what I got going on. I'm gonna
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: honor you in the same way I expect to be honored.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: You get what I'm saying. Everybody ain't like that. And
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: that's the thing that we also have to realize, because
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: when you were talking, what came up was we don't fight.
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: We don't wrestle and fight against flesh and blood. We
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: could take that literal and it's literally and spiritual. Right.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: So when you think about people, like even if I
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: think about myself a lot of times, a lot of
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: the disappointment comes and when we're expecting ourselves from people, right,
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: And the truth of the matter is people are who
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: they are from whatever their own pain, experiences, traumas and
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: dramas that they've gone through that they may not healed through.
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: So that's how they see life a lot of times,
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: and a lot of times that you're reflected on the
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: people that they do life with. Unfortunately, so there's a
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: clash when you've been walking through healing, when you've been
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: walking through breaking free of these things, and I think
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: the hard part is that you are there are a
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: lot of areas that the Lord is freeing you from, right,
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: And the discernment when you talked about the guy was
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: talking about discernment is the discernment is you cannot ever
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: go into a space and not be who God called
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: you to be. Right, The discernment is, Okay, let me
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: discern what's happening, what's going on in the room. So
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: maybe I give you, know, give it like this and
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: not like this, right, but I'm still giving who I am.
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: Like you still don't get all of me, right, but
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: you may get a little paprika instead of like the
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: whole uh uh seasoning cabinet that does. That doesn't mean
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: that I'm not giving you who I am. I'm just
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: discerning what's needed in this space at this time, right.
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: And so I think as you move forward and you
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: and you continue to take a space in rooms, that's
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: a discernment. It's you. It's not you can't be Jessica. No,
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: you're your your call to be Jessica. You're responsible. Your
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: responsibility is to be Jessica in this space because you're
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: in this space for a reason. The responsibility on your
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: end is, Okay, Lord, what are we giving them today?
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: That's a boundary. That's what in the book. When the
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: guy was talking about the discernment and the love. That's
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: what that means. That don't mean Jessica can't be Jessica.
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: Jessica has to be Jessica because that's what the that's
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: what the spaces needed. They just may need, uh, this
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: part of Jessica and not this part of Jessica, you
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. I think about. Also, there's two
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: people that came up. I was think about Omarin. Remember
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: I text you and Omar said, so I did the
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: Content and Cash Challenge. Yeah, And there was the vi
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: P and then there was general Admissions. So I was
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: in the VIP session and I was just listening to
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: the guy. This guy was asking the questions that are
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: DA and then as he was just comment and he said,
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: I think he dropped the F bomb, right and and
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: and everybody just kept him just kind of kept going.
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: Omar said, hey, we're not gonna use profanity on this platform. Right.
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: First off, everybody knows if you follow Omar, you know
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: he's a man guy. He's a pastor. Like all his
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: teachings and his principals come from come from the Bible.
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: That don't mean like the guy couldn't be himself to me.
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: The discernment is I know I'm on this platform, and
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: I know you know, I know he honors da da
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: da dah. Let me not, let me choose to use
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: a different word. And so because he didn't, he just
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: let him know. Hey, the boundary is, I want you
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: to be all yourself, ask your questions, and I'm gonna
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: give you all I got. But what we're not gonna
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: do is use these types of words. Why, he said,
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: because my daughter could be sitting right here, she could
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: be sitting here watching me work, and I don't want
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: to I don't want to expose her to that type
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: of language. But she's not used to that. Yeah, that's
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: a boundary that he set for himself, not saying that
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: he can't be who he is, not saying he hasn't
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: created a safe a safe environment for the people to
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: be who they are. It's just, Hey, we're gonna choose
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: to use language. That's that's an excellence. And he went
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: through this whole teaching about language and how like sometimes
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: with cursing, sometimes we choose to use that words because
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: we may not have different language to use. Blah blah blah.
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: That's a boundary. That's a very safe, healthy, boundary. That
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: don't mean that, like I said, the people can't be
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: who they are, they can, they just have to also
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: that he's bring them up to another level of Hey,
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: let me respect this man because of his boundaries and things.
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. So I don't again. I
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: think it's just a matter of giving boundaries a different
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: definition for you, Like a boundary is not lack of freedom,
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: is not bondage. It's literally a safeguard and you get
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: the opportunity to put boundaries in place to be proactive
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: and not reactive. And I think the bondage comes in
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: when you have to put things in place because something
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: has happened. Well, no, we're gonna put these in place
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: so that things don't happen. And if they do happen,
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: now it's like, okay, let me evaluate, is this boundary
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: still a good boundary? Do I need to move it back?
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: Don't need to move it up? Or do it's just
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: a safe space where I can let the boundary go.
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: Like there's some spaces you don't have to have boundaries
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: in with some people And that's okay, Yeah, that was good?
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: Does it ray? You showed your age? Yeah, showed you
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: had a little wisdom because your girl knocking on body door,
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: the dough is it's like, I mean, you're turning the knob.
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: I can see you. You put the key in. I
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: mean you've unlocked it. Now we're just gonna open the
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: door and we're gonna walk through it for forty Yeah,
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: we're having a big celebration, you guys for forty four deserts.
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: Oh well it won't. You'll know about it this time
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: because I'm trying to surprise you. Just stressed to start that.
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: The stressed me out. It's stressing. No, it didn't. I
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: mean during the time I was a little it was
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: a little weird, yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I enjoyed it, though,
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: y'all hope you did. It just wore me out, babe.
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: I would sleep by six o'clock. Yeah, we we you know.
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: And I was at the Chris Brown because your life.
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: I appreciate you though, I love you. I love you,
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: and I thank you for although I don't know my
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: boundaries fully, I under the fact that you are willing
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: to honor the boundaries and I haven't even created yet. Yeah,
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: I appreciate that. And you'll see, like the people that
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: the Lord has really called you to like they have
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: boundaries for you that you probably don't even know about,
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: and it's not and that's and that's out of respect.
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: It's not out of a negative thing. It's just out
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: of respect, like them knowing who you are and where
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: you're going, Like I respect that, and so there are
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: certain things that I'm gonna honor and I'm not gonna
• 45:27
  Speaker 2: do because I want her to be great in that space.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: I'm glad you said that because even if you're that,
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: since you're the fact that you're saying that just gives
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: me enantry of Like Okay, Jessica, truly before you got
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: fed up, what were the boundaries that weren't set before?
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: And like what irritated you that you didn't speak on
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: you just like Okay, I'm gonna this is who that
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: because I'm accepting I'm accepting of who people are. But
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: maybe I need to have an old my mom. It's like, hey,
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: you just did this it in this space while you
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: with me, I don't do that. I don't I don't
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: say these things or I don't indulge in this in
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: this territory Like this ain't it. So whatever you do
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: out there, they ain't gotta do with me. But right
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: here in this space, you not you know what I'm saying.
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: Even I think about Trician, Trician will be like, I'm
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: so sorry, cuse. And I guess just because I'm just like,
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: don't worry, maybe I need to be like, thank you
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: for apologizing for cursing, thank you for apologizing for Curson
• 46:34
  Speaker 2: on the platform. I'm like, you know, you've expressed yourself,
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: you know, like that's I'm not. I guess in my
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: mind is like not being judgmental but also honoring what
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: I believe in the standards that I have with myself,
• 46:51
  Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. So I don't know. I
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: think I have a lot to think. I not even
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: just think about, but just the plan I have to
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: be strategic, and one of the strategic things and just
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: saying this out loud is y'all can't book me directly
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: with me no more. I don't get booked without desiray
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: and shout out to Felicia, who's the ad man not
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: only for just As the podcast, but just Jessica is
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: Smith the brand. And I've made it very clear to
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: I think both of y'all, but mainly you Desiray. When
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: I was like I was saying, telling you, I was
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: talking to your man. I made it clear to him.
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I can't get booked by anybody,
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: and my price is my price, and the liss the
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: lord says, hell, just that or do this or do
• 47:40
  Speaker 2: this differently. That's what That's what that's gonna be. And
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: it's not because I'm mad in anybody that that is
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: just gonna show me, you know what I'm saying, who
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: values me and who's taking my my position seriously? To
• 47:55
  Speaker 2: the point where I had a friend somebody that knows that,
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: you know, I rock with them long way, Like we
• 48:01
  Speaker 2: might not talk every day, but that's my dog, you
• 48:03
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. She reached out to me and said, hey, Jessica,
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: how do I what's the formal way of booking you
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: to host this event? And I almost I was real
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: close to say, girl, whatever, don't worry is it? Are
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: you involved with I ain't even asked it. It was
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: so natural for me to say, girl, don't worry about it.
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: What you need because as my homegirl. But she saw
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: fit to say, hey, what's the proper protocol to get
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: you booked? And I had to, like, I think it
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: was even a test from God because I had just
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: said it earlier this week and I was like, y'all
• 48:38
  Speaker 2: have to book through my ad man. I had to
• 48:41
  Speaker 2: go back and honor my word. Hey, email my admin
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: at this you know what I'm saying. And so when
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: I sent it to Felicia, she just loved it. You know,
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: I think you were You loved it too, And I'm
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: proud of myself because who it was. I wanted to say, hey, girl,
• 49:00
  Speaker 2: what you need? You know what I'm saying, But what
• 49:04
  Speaker 2: I set up was Okay, let me send her this email.
• 49:10
  Speaker 2: That's good. So what you did is amazing and I'm
• 49:13
  Speaker 2: very proud that you said it and you stuck with it.
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: That's the same thing I learned when I was starting
• 49:18
  Speaker 2: to build my salon. Right. You know a lot of
• 49:21
  Speaker 2: people that I knew initially they had my personal number, right,
• 49:24
  Speaker 2: and so I began to set up online booking because
• 49:28
  Speaker 2: one I'm like, we're doing all this back and forth.
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: That's unnecessary. Like I could literally send you this calendar.
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: You can look to see what I have available and
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: compared to what you have available. Even when people that
• 49:38
  Speaker 2: I know ask about a hair appointment or whatever. I
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: still see them in the the link. Hey, here's my
• 49:43
  Speaker 2: here's the link to the calendar. Because at the end
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: of the day, I learned that people will treat you
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: how you allow them to treat you. And when you
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: just begin to set up boundaries and systems, the people
• 49:56
  Speaker 2: will begin to take you seriously. When when we begin
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: to take ourselves serious, and like you said, there are
• 50:04
  Speaker 2: space there are times when the Lord will be like, hey,
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: But that doesn't negate that there's still a process, there's
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: still a boundary in place. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Well,
• 50:16
  Speaker 2: I'm glad we had this conversation. I probably feel like
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: it an calm down now and I can like I
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: can be read just a little bit. But I'm proud
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: of you though, because there's boundaries is something that we
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: all probably deal with in some shape, form or fashion,
• 50:31
  Speaker 2: and I really feel like when we begin to look
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: at it in a proactive way, in a in a
• 50:36
  Speaker 2: in a way of safeguarding and not necessarily bondage, you know,
• 50:41
  Speaker 2: I think it will all be able to just be
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: freer in our relationships. Like I even think about like
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: like even in a marriage, you know, like the couple
• 50:50
  Speaker 2: will have things that, hey, we're not going to yell
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: at each other, We're not gonna those are Those are
• 50:56
  Speaker 2: healthy boundaries, you know what I'm saying. And that don't
• 50:59
  Speaker 2: mean how I don't love you. It just means because
• 51:01
  Speaker 2: I know me and I know you, we're not going
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: to even give space for the enemy to come in
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: in this territory. Yeah, that's a healthy, proactive boundary. And
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: I think all you you just have to look at this,
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: like I said, the spaces that have been disrespected on
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: multiple occasions and just begin to put healthy, loving boundaries
• 51:20
  Speaker 2: around those spaces. That's I think that's where you would start, okay,
• 51:23
  Speaker 2: and that's where you could start to That's where y'all start. Y'all,
• 51:27
  Speaker 2: this has been a great, healthy conversation. I don't mind
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: putting myself on the chopping block. I really don't. I
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: don't mind putting myself in position where you guys can
• 51:38
  Speaker 2: learn from my mishaps and my mistakes. That's why I
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: just try to put you know, the things. It's a
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: timing for everything. But I also believe that, you know,
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: I can't just have the responsibility of having this podcast
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: and just not sharing, you know, the real realness and
• 51:51
  Speaker 2: rawness because I haven't figured this out yet. Boundaries is
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: something I have not figured out yet. And I'm thirty
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: four years old, and it's okay. It's it's okay, and
• 52:01
  Speaker 2: I want y'all to know it's okay. I would love
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: to hear from you, guys and to chat up you
• 52:06
  Speaker 2: light it up, because I know I ain't the all
• 52:09
  Speaker 2: the one. I am not the only one that deals
• 52:12
  Speaker 2: with this. So if it doesn't raised age help you,
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: I mean wisdom, I'm screaming. If her wisdom helps you
• 52:21
  Speaker 2: in this space, just tell her out, shout out, please
• 52:23
  Speaker 2: at her because she does not look at the comments sometimes, y'all,
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: but please get it together. You got a notication on
• 52:30
  Speaker 2: the Gmail account. You got notifications on debts? Yeah, yeah,
• 52:35
  Speaker 2: try it again? Why she put she tried it again?
• 52:38
  Speaker 2: Because I guess I get there's notifications, do you? Yes?
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 52:43
  Speaker 2: See that's something wrong with your phone. We're gonna fix
• 52:46
  Speaker 2: that in a minute. Anyway, you guys, that's a boundary
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: I'm setting for you. Get all right, you guys, talk
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: to us in the comments. We love you. We appreciate
• 52:55
  Speaker 2: you until next week. Until next time, remember life could
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: be much more simple if you just.
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: Said piece y'all, thank you for tuning in to this
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: week's episode. Since you've made it this far, you might
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: as well connect with us on all social media platforms
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: at the Jessica S.
• 53:16
  Speaker 2: Smith.
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: I know I won't see you back until next week,
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: but until then, remember to love always yourself and always say.
• 53:27
  Speaker 3: Thank God for one another day. Hey, hey, I know
• 53:33
  Speaker 3: we could be another way. Hey, pray thank God for
• 53:39
  Speaker 3: another day. Hey hey, I'm just thankful another day. Hey, hey,
• 53:48
  Speaker 3: another day? Oh, another day wise, another day to get
• 53:52
  Speaker 3: it right, another day to rise up, another day living,
• 53:55
  Speaker 3: another day. We love ones. I always remember hold it
• 53:58
  Speaker 3: down for a ball one ye