Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Women Have a Higher Sex Drive Than Their Husbands

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When Women Have a Higher Sex Drive Than Their Husbands · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hello, and welcome to the next episode of the doctor.
• 0:10
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about women who
• 0:15
  are in a relationship where they want more sex than their
• 0:18
  partner, their male partner. And this isn't what I usually
• 0:23
  talk about. Because as you are aware, if you
• 0:26
  follow my blog and if you are a person who exists in the world
• 0:30
  men, usually within long-term relationships have a higher sex
• 0:34
  drive than their wives. Do not know that this is what
• 0:38
  happens then I refer you to the entire doctor.
• 0:41
  So I gave Mom blog but in about 1/3 of my cases of the couples
• 0:46
  that I work with and my private practice, the woman has a higher
• 0:50
  sex drive than the man and this can be even more upsetting in
• 0:55
  many ways, then when the man has a higher sex drive than the
• 0:58
  woman, because all of popular media suggests that men are
• 1:04
  always chasing women around the table.
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  And Begging for sex and that the identity of an attractive woman
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  is somebody who is pursued by set sexually by men and with in
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  a monogamous relationship, the only one who's going to pursue
• 1:18
  you sexually. If you're looking to be
• 1:19
  faithful, is your husband. So when your husband does not
• 1:23
  pursue you for sex, women can feel even more unattractive,
• 1:28
  more lonely, more abandoned, and really more humiliated than men
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  in the same situation, who also I feel very bad but men kind of
• 1:39
  acknowledge that they are supposed to be the pursuer
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  generally so they're not expecting usually the woman to
• 1:45
  be the pursuer. So that's the difference.
• 1:48
  So when I work with clients in this situation, there are there.
• 1:52
  First of all, we have to iron out pragmatic reasons why this
• 1:57
  may be happening one. That is so obvious.
• 2:01
  But men don't really like to think about it because it's so
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  embarrassing. Is low testosterone as people
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  age. They their hormonal levels
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  decrease, this happens for women, that's what happens in
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  menopause and before perimenopause for women lasts
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  about a decade before actual menopause, which means they
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  start in their 40s with decreased levels of estrogen and
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  progesterone. Now, for men around the same
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  time to stas Turon. Starts to drop this can lead to
• 2:31
  tiredness weight, gain in ability, to do what you used to
• 2:36
  do. The gym can't lift as much.
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  You can't run as fast, you don't have energy and you don't have
• 2:42
  the same sex drive. You also may have erectile
• 2:44
  dysfunction and weight gain. If any of and depression
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  testosterone is really implicated in mood.
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  So if first thing to Iron Out is for a man to go to a functional
• 2:56
  medicine doctor and figure out why he what his levels are.
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  And if there is any hormonal reason that he has a low sex
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  drive, this is Particularly relevant for men that used to be
• 3:09
  the pursuer, the sexual pursuer and not much has changed with
• 3:12
  the relationship. It's not for example it.
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  So they have constant horrible marital conflict but they do not
• 3:20
  feel like pursuing their wife anymore or really anybody.
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  You talk deeply on a deeper level to these guys
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  individually. They really don't think about
• 3:28
  sex that much at all. So it's not like their wife
• 3:31
  doesn't look as cute to them so they don't want to have sex with
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  her but they're not looking at hot women on the The same way or
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  they're not looking at hot women at Starbucks in the same way
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  either. They just don't really have the
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  interest anymore. This usually indicates a lack of
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  testosterone. Sometimes it can also mean,
• 3:47
  depression. In general, untreated depression
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  can make people have a very low sex drive, ironically the same
• 3:55
  medications that treat depression, ssris, selective
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  serotonin reuptake Inhibitors like Prozac and Zoloft can lead
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  to sexual side effects, which is Lower sex drive, which is what
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  we're trying to treat their but also longer latency to orgasms.
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  So your hard for a long time but you can't come men.
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  Think women are going to like that side effect but they don't
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  because for the kind of same reason as I'm saying it because
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  women want to feel attractive to their husbands.
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  So All right, so then let's say that you've gone to a functional
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  medicine doctor, and they say that your testosterone is low,
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  then you would get put on testosterone supplementation,
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  which makes a huge difference. If you go to an individual
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  therapist and they say that you're depressed, you can go on
• 4:43
  antidepressants. And that may make you Have it's
• 4:49
  hard because sometimes you'll want to have sex more because
• 4:51
  you'll be in a better mood, but then sex itself may not be as
• 4:55
  easy. Either way, you could try it, of
• 4:58
  course, individual therapy, which can treat depression.
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  Does not have any negative effects on your sex drive.
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  It's not a medication so you can always do that too.
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  So let's say that it is not either of those things.
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  And it is what I talked about pretty frequently which is a
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  mismatch in libido and it was evident In from the very
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  beginning. Well, a lot of people say, oh,
• 5:21
  look, it really wasn't. We were having sex a lot in the
• 5:23
  beginning. No, not really not, if you
• 5:26
  examine what you're saying, in-depth many people were not.
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  In fact, having a lot of sex at the beginning, the higher libido
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  partner, which in this show I'm talking about women the woman
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  who's in that case. She was always wanting more sex
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  than the man even when they were dating, she wanted more sex.
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  She just didn't know how to say it or maybe she thought that she
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  wasn't. Active enough to get it or maybe
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  she thought he was busy. That's a big one.
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  He's busy, he's tired when he gets a new job or whatever else
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  and we're going to be having more sex.
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  Well, spoiler alert that didn't happen or sometimes, the man is,
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  in fact, having a lot of sex with the woman at the very
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  beginning because of the adrenaline and the hormonal Rush
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  of the honeymoon phase. But even just a couple months
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  into it, he doesn't want sex anymore.
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  He'd rather go to Or watch TV or exercise or whatever else.
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  So in these cases there was a red flag.
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  Wasn't evident from day one but it was evident from a bad day,
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  60, which is not as good which is not good either rather.
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  So in these cases, there's usually a libidinal mismatched
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  where one person just has a higher need for sex and usually
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  also physical touch. The love language of physical
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  touch than her partner. Sometimes even just a man
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  understanding how this makes his wife.
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  Eel can be enough for him to try to change and it isn't very hard
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  to try to get into the mood more.
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  If you understand that that is something that a good partner
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  should be doing a lot of men, think and women to certainly a
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  lot of women think this that if you do not have desire, if
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  you're not looking at your partner and wanting to screw
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  their brains out, right, then then it's somehow inauthentic or
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  disingenuous or not organic to do or even Wrong somehow morally
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  to start to have sex with them. Of course, you should start
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  within the context of a loving relationship.
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  If you know that your partner wants to have sex, of course,
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  you should try to get outside of your comfort zone and start
• 7:32
  kissing them and start to see what happens for women who have
• 7:36
  responsive desire, meaning, they don't really experience desire
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  until they've already started being touched, it's often a
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  totally different ball game. Once they've started the
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  process, they don't Perience, any desire prior to touching?
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  But then they do a few minutes into it, and I will be the focus
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  of another episode, but if you want to read about it on my
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  blog, it's entitled, responsive desire, why it's okay when
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  you're never in the mood because that is biologically how women
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  work with in monogamy. But anyway, men to that have low
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  libidos can experience responsive desire, such that
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  when they start to have sex, they realize that this is pretty
• 8:14
  fun and that they want to be doing it.
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  They just have Get into the mind frame that it is.
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  Okay. And in fact makes them a good
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  partner to try to have sex when they are not already feeling it.
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  This is not forcing sex when you hate the person and you don't
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  want to touch them. No, this is within the context
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  of a loving marriage. People have to try to do things
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  that are good for the marriage and that the other partner likes
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  in all aspects, housework childcare sex anything.
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  Anyhow, if the if that still doesn't work, there are other
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  ways for people to think about this sex drive, disparity.
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  Some things are harder to talk about than others.
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  For example, some men have a particular fetish or preference
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  and when they were younger, they were able to have sex.
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  No matter whether or not the fetish was indulged because they
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  had overall higher sex drive because they were young men.
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  But as they get older, they need something more specific, it
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  doesn't even have to be a Fetter.
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  So, Should be something like they're really into BDSM or
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  they're really into feet or lingerie or anything else or it
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  could just be that the man is not having sex that is erotic
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  enough. So if you go through my site or
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  you just Google erotic breakthrough quiz, you can get
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  to this quiz that they featured on Gwyneth, Paltrow's Show, sex,
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  love and goop is only slightly more popular than My podcast
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  here, and she talks about the different or the author, which
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  is not going to Paltrow talks about the different styles, and
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  there's five styles. And one of them that I think is
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  the most interesting to understand for my clients and
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  probably for people in general, with sexual issues, is sensual.
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  So, Central means a lot of touching bath massage, things
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  like that, if for play music. To get you in the mood.
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  A man may have used to and he was young.
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  Maybe he didn't need any of that stuff, but when he is older he
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  does need more touching more stroking, more caressing.
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  It's very hard for men to act vulnerable in our society, which
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  is unfortunate. So it may be hard for him to say
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  to his wife, things things happen.
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  So quickly, I can barely get an erection anymore without a lot
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  of touching. And therefore, it's hard for me
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  to enjoy sex and therefore, I don't want X plus when I don't
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  get hard as quick as I used to, I feel bad.
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  And so then that also turns me off having sex in the future
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  because I don't like to disappoint you which is a real
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  real common feeling in men. They don't want to disappoint
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  the woman's they'd rather not have sex at all.
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  If they think there's a possibility of disappointing
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  their partner So perhaps something that you can talk
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  about if you're in this situation with your partner is,
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  do you like the sex that we're having?
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  Is it enjoyable? What are your other fantasies?
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  Not fantasies. Like having sex you know have a
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  swinging or whatever but rather fantasies of an extended
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  experience, something more sensual, something more erotic a
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  lot of men want that but they don't know how to say it.
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  Also, there is, of course, the elephant in the room of your
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  husband. May not be that attracted to
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  you, if he no longer wants to have sex.
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  This is something men have a lot of trouble saying, nobody wants
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  to be the asshole that says that their wife's weight gain, is a
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  severe deterrent or her, not dressing, in sexy clothes, or
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  whatever else. But this happens for both
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  genders and quite honestly, it's better to save state.
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  It out loud, then not. If, if there is something that
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  your partner of either gender can Change to make you feel
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  better or to make you want to be close to them, then that needs
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  to be voiced. Also it's kind of gaslighting
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  somebody to never want to have sex but never tell them why.
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  If there's a real reason, of course, it would hurt their
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  feelings but it's better for them to know than not to know.
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  If there is any possibility at all, that it can be rectified.
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  Also there's porn when menus too much porn and they get used to
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  masturbating too much intercourse, does not feel like
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  masturbation. There are many men that get used
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  to the tightness of their own grip and a constant parade of
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  cavorting naked. Women doing anything that they
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  want on a screen. There is no way that one human
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  female can approximate the stimulation of all of that.
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  If you are having any sort of disparity and sex drive
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  problems, the most important thing to do is both people, That
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  masturbating, especially the one that has the lower sex drive.
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  I think in general, if you're not having a great sex life,
• 13:02
  masturbation needs to go by the wayside, they're the entirety of
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  the Sexual Energy focused on the partner can really be
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  transformative. If you are, if your sex drive is
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  finite, which it is, then if you're wasting it every day on
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  jerking off to porn, what is your wife really going to feel
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  about that if she knew Usually she doesn't know but you would
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  feel correctly very upset and there's a finite resource that
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  she really wants and instead it's going into another
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  Direction, just stopping masturbating for a week.
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  Can frequently increase sex drive so much that the person
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  that never initiate sex turns into somebody who does initiate
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  sex? If you struggle with being the
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  woman who wants more sex, or if you're a man, that's in this
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  situation, where your wife wants, more sex, it is essential
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  to talk about these issues and not just let this be a sensitive
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  topic that everybody is too scared to address.
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  It's terrible for both Partners to feel like there's this
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  horrible. Secret shameful part of their
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  connection, like for example, people frequently say they go
• 14:11
  out with other couples. The other couples are joking
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  around about having X and this couple feel so bad because they
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  have such terrible sex or they have no sex at all.
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  It seems like this horrible secret and that in it poisons,
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  the closeness in the relationship.
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  Overall, Sex Therapy can really help and so can couples therapy
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  as long as it's X+. Many couples counselors, do not
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  really ask about sex because they're only human.
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  They don't like to talk about it.
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  The same as other people don't like to talk about it but it is
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  really bad for couples counselors to only focus on
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  emotional. Nah, not to focus on sex.
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  If sex is any issue. And honestly, I've rarely seen a
• 14:49
  couple that does not have a sexual issue, if they have an
• 14:52
  emotional issue and vice versa, at least past the age of being
• 14:56
  in their 20s. So, what I hope that you get
• 15:00
  from this podcast is the idea from all of my podcasts and
• 15:04
  blogs that open communication is the key and is really a cake can
• 15:11
  be transformative, it's the key to a happy marriage, it can
• 15:14
  Transform your relationship, not just sexually, but in terms of
• 15:17
  feeling close and connected, this is a particularly sensitive
• 15:21
  issue. And if you are a woman in this
• 15:23
  situation, it is probable that your husband does not really
• 15:26
  understand how bad it makes you feel and how important it is to
• 15:30
  you and how much different your mood would be if you were having
• 15:34
  the sex life that you want to have or any approximation
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  thereof, people that require physical touch feel starved and
• 15:42
  angry when they don't get it, they feel free.
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  Antek and panic. So if that is you and you are,
• 15:47
  the person that isn't having sex anywhere near how much you want
• 15:50
  or being touched because those things go together.
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  Usually then you're likely more irritable, more rude, more mean,
• 15:57
  more quick to anger, everything that your partner doesn't want.
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  And it's unlikely that they really understand how more sex
• 16:04
  and More Physical touch could transform you in that way.
• 16:09
  I think that if more people were aware of how physical touch,
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  This is the same in adults and in children, nobody would think
• 16:19
  that. It's something that people
• 16:20
  should just get over. People.
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  Seem to think adults, should just get over the desire for
• 16:24
  physical touch, but would never say that to a child who wanted a
• 16:27
  hug. This is a common theme that I
• 16:29
  keep coming back to because it's such a good analogy.
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  It seems so cruel to think about denying a child, a hug, but
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  then, people will deny their adult partner a hug with
• 16:40
  impunity. So this can be a good starting.
• 16:44
  One for you and your partner to think about the different ways
• 16:48
  that you conceptualize sex and physical affection.
• 16:51
  And maybe even to get started on some ways of repairing, or
• 16:56
  working on this issue, including going to a doctor, going to a
• 17:00
  therapist going to a couple's counselor stopping masturbating,
• 17:04
  understanding the role of porn, understanding the role of of,
• 17:10
  really, just And open-mindedness is very important, the role of
• 17:16
  open-mindedness. If your husband can really hear
• 17:19
  what it feels to you, when he rejects you, he may decide to be
• 17:23
  more willing and to try more frequently to begin a sexual
• 17:27
  encounter that, then he may really end up enjoy it.
• 17:31
  So if you enjoyed this podcast, please let me know.
• 17:34
  Please suggest other podcast, topics and blog post topics.
• 17:40
  Follow me on Doctor, psych bomb.com, subscribe to this
• 17:45
  podcast, it's on Spotify so far and Stitcher and anchor, which
• 17:49
  hosts it. And I'm going to try to get it
• 17:52
  on Apple soon, so I enjoy making these.
• 17:56
  So please let me know what works for you and what topics you
• 17:59
  would like to hear. And have a great day guys.
• 18:03
  Bye.