Latest / Enough & Evolving / Why You Care So Much What People Think
Transcript
- Tyona Vallejo: Hello and welcome to Enough In Evolving Podcast. I'm your host, Tyona Vallejo, master certified life coach and mindfulness expert, you reclaim confidence, break through unhelpful patterns and manifest the relationships and life you desire. Now let's get started. If you're listening to this and you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, this is exactly the work I do inside my coaching. This isn't something you have to figure out alone. If you're ready to feel more confident, grounded, and self-trusting, I'd love to support you. Check out the show notes to book a consultation coaching call today. Hello, hello. Welcome back to the podcast. is 16. Why you so much what people think. my goodness, this is a question I get ⁓ all the time from so many my clients. And it's also something that I've been reflecting on lately is the weight of other people's expectations and how much of our lives can quietly be shaped. So today we're taking a deeper look at people pleasing, why we struggle with other people's expectations and what we can do to heal from people pleasing tendencies. And I'm going to give you ⁓ four simple questions that you can ask yourself to reduce any fears around people's expectations. So let's get rolling. of all, one of the things that I've been noticing about my own with people pleasing is how ⁓ the that carry the most weight are usually from the people that are closest to me. by trying not to disappoint others. feeling that? Yeah, specifically my kids, my husband, clients, other people that hire me. And I'm sure that if you think about yourself and your people pleasing tendencies, you might find the same, that the people who you are most ⁓ emotionally invested with, those are the that you're feeling the most weight around or fears around ⁓ disappointing them. it's not necessarily strangers that shape us ⁓ deeply. It's the people whose ⁓ would emotionally hurt. And the reason that is, is because of human evolution, ⁓ our need to belong. And so ⁓ we ⁓ ⁓ people pleasing a whole, we can see that the desire to connect is not wrong. We are wired for connection. We are relational beings. And psychologists have found that early humans relied ⁓ on groups for survival. Being rejected or isolated was considered a major threat in life. We've even been able to scientifically find evidence that shows that the same parts of our brain that are triggered in pain are same areas that get triggered when we experience rejection. What does that tell us? That tells us why we ⁓ are not risk rejection. So our fear of rejection or our need for belonging and our tendency to people-place is actually human biology. It's not a character flaw. So first of all, get that straight in your head that there's nothing wrong with you because you have this tendency people-place. We can also see that people-placing often ⁓ as As children, most of us were naturally conditioned to seek approval outside of ourselves, right? We look to our parents to us when want to ⁓ feel about ourselves ⁓ or we're afraid ⁓ being we're definitely ⁓ conditioned to act in a way that's pleasing to someone else outside of us. again, we have been programmed to please our mentors, elders, our parents, other people outside of us. That is the message that we received in our subconscious mind, which then created this behavior of suppressing parts of ourselves to stay emotionally safe. I also believe that in a world that increasingly disconnected, that empathy connection and wanting to please others isn't a bad thing, y'all. So just Be aware that topic of people pleasing isn't ⁓ bad. There definitely proof of why we have been hardwired for connection because if we were back in the day in our ancient times, if we thrown out of the tribe, then that ⁓ risked ⁓ our So of course we've been conditioned in our DNA to want to connect. And we've been conditioned in ⁓ our to perform externally for others. That's how we've been raised. And finally, like I said, this isn't necessarily, I think all bad because We are in need of more connection than ever. We are in need of more empathy and by wanting to connect, wanting to please others, I don't think that's all intrinsically bad or good, right? So here's where the problem begins to arise. When ⁓ start to disconnect from ourselves, when approval becomes identity. So for instance, when let's say you're a parent, you're a mom, and you're thinking that in order for me to be a good mom, my kids always need to be happy with me. They need to show that they love me all the time. Otherwise, this means something negative about me as a mom. And that's not true. That's simply you assigning your own identity to perception. ⁓ And the other part where this can to a problem is when you filter ⁓ your authenticity just to fit or be accepted. Again, we're kind of trained that way, right? As we grow up. but it's so essential as we mature to really understand where it's starting to diminish your self your connection to yourself. I a lot ⁓ of Brené Brown ⁓ talks if you have ⁓ never ⁓ heard Brené she is an incredible world-renowned speaker, author, and she talks a lot about shame and ⁓ connection. she states that you cannot genuinely belong to group or community unless you first belong to yourself. She talks about self belonging, meaning you have the courage to stand alone, speak your truth and show up authentically, even if it risks disconnection from others. I love how she distinguishes specifically between belonging and fitting in. Fitting in, she says, is assessing what others want you to be. and changing yourself to be accepted. This is bringing up so many things about my childhood. you don't know my story, I moved around a lot as a young child. And so I got really good at fitting in. ⁓ ⁓ is exactly what she's referring to. ⁓ is a performance. based on external expectations requiring self betrayal and leaving you feeling hollow. ⁓ ⁓ recall feeling a lot of times ⁓ the fear of not fitting in but also this like ⁓ slight ⁓ of self betrayal I didn't really have the language for. ⁓ was just this kind of empty ⁓ ⁓ you trying to connect with these people that I felt were maybe the in crowd, but not really feeling like I was being myself or I could be myself in this crowd. And then she also talks about the difference of belonging versus that fitting in and belonging she says is it requires no change to who you are. It actually means being accepted and accepting yourself for exactly who you are, flaws and all. And I just love this so much. think this is a beautiful description of how we often abandon ourselves and try to fit in instead of ⁓ really understanding it feels like to belong to ourselves. And people pleasing becomes painful when have to betray yourself in order to maintain connection. So let's take a deeper look. maybe some of those hidden costs ⁓ people pleasing. Here's what I found is true. Self abandonment creates internal disconnection. here's a few signs that you may be ⁓ if you're in a pattern of self abandonment. I know I had found myself in these exact experiences and that is ⁓ resentment, indecision, overthinking. anxiety, losing confidence, Inability to hear your own intuition, constantly needing reassurance, shape shifting around others, exactly what I just about as a young child moving around a lot, fear of being misunderstood, or fear disappointing others. If you've any of those recently, please know that you're not alone. This is most people. This is definitely something that is a human experience. Hey, if this episode is resonating deeply with you and you're recognizing how much fear, self-doubt, or people-pleasing has been shaping your life, I want to invite you personally into my signature program, 12 Weeks to Transformation, where we work on nervous system safety, emotional regulation, self-trust, confidence, and helping you reconnect with the most authentic version of yourself. so you can stop abandoning yourself and start fully living your life. If you're ready to step into this transformation, click the work with me link in the show notes and schedule your first call today. Now, you constantly prioritize what everyone else thinks over what you think, your own self-trust slowly erodes. Ask me how I know. This is where I found myself when found coaching. I was looking of me for ⁓ all the answers. ⁓ and I wasn't trusting myself. But what I wouldn't change that experience that led me to coaching, finding myself up against a wall, feeling like I was so exhausted, resentful of my husband, ⁓ like I was lost and didn't know ⁓ who I was anymore. Definitely feeling a lack of confidence ⁓ looking for reassurance from other people outside of me. I wouldn't change any of it because it brought me to the greatest awakening of my life. Learning to accept who I am. Now healing starts when you learn to shift validation inward and you stop making other people the authority over who you are. Self-acceptance is really the practice of no longer abandoning yourself. Instead, you learn to validate your own emotions, allow your truths to be present, become aware of your own thoughts, without making them mean something negative about you. You learn to observe self judgment without buying into it. You begin questioning your internal narratives with compassionate curiosity. This first step towards self acceptance ⁓ awareness. If you increase your awareness of yourself from a neutral lens, you are on the path towards self-acceptance. You cannot accept parts of yourself you're unwilling to look at. Many of us are trying to fix ourselves before really understanding ourselves. So if this sounds like you, here are a few questions that will provoke some compassionate curiosity around other people's expectations of you. The first question is, what am I choosing to believe about their expectations of me? The second question, what am I making their opinion mean about me? The third, what part of me is seeking safety through approval? and the fourth, what would happen if I approved of myself first? Now hopefully these questions will allow you to become aware of some things that you may not have been aware of that start to loosen up some of that fear around other people's expectations and your immediate of people pleasing. Let me be clear here. Self-acceptance doesn't mean you give up on evolving yourself. It means you stop hating yourself while you grow. What's important to remember is you can care about others without abandoning yourself. Now this isn't about becoming cold, selfish or disconnected. It's about learning how to stay connected to others while remaining connected to yourself, which will lead to healthy discernment, emotional autonomy, allowing disagreements. Yes, that is something that definitely is possible that I didn't even realize. looking back that I was really suppressing a lot of my authenticity so that ⁓ I could quote not rock the boat and really create an agreeable environment. ⁓ But I'm understanding the importance of not abandoning my authenticity, not abandoning myself and disagreeing from a more mature standpoint. In addition, I believe that learning to stay connected and remaining connected to yourself also leads to tolerating rejection, not making it mean something about you, which then improves your nervous system capacity for discomfort, for you to actually yourself there risk that rejection to risk feeling disappointment around taking action, courageous action towards your dreams. It is possible that you can disappoint someone and still be a good person. Other people's expectations are not meant to become your identity. At the end of the day, I think many of us are just trying to feel loved, accepted, chosen and safe. But the more we cultivate that relationship with ourselves, the less we need to abandon ourselves to receive it from others. This week, I invite you to notice where you are filtering your authenticity for approval. Notice where you silence yourself, shrink yourself, over explain or betray your to maintain connection. And instead of judging yourself for it, meet yourself with compassionate curiosity. Because awareness is the beginning. of freedom. Thanks for listening to today's podcast. Thanks for spending this time with me. As always, I appreciate any of your feedback. I love your five star reviews. It helps so much. Thank you again. And remember, you are always evolving and you are always enough.