Latest / Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design / Ep. 57 Cultivating Financial Wellbeing Through Self-Compassion (with special guest Jennifer Erwin)

Transcript

Ep. 57 Cultivating Financial Wellbeing Through Self-Compassion (with special guest Jennifer Erwin) · Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design

0:00
Erin Gray: You're listening to Generate a Life Well-Lived podcast.
0:03
Erin Gray: I'm your friend and confidant, erin Gray.
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Erin Gray: I'm a former certified financial planner, turned human design, financial mentor and guide to entrepreneurs.
0:10
Erin Gray: I believe our money and our business can only thrive at the level of our emotional wellbeing.
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Erin Gray: I empower entrepreneurs to feel confident with their money and in their business so that they can have fun now and in the future.
0:22
Erin Gray: On this podcast, we will explore all things money, business and self-development, including human design.
0:29
Erin Gray: I hope you enjoy the journey where I share everything that I know and am continuing to learn along the way, as I honor my heart's desires while inspiring and encouraging you to do the same.
0:38
Erin Gray: Hey, hey, my friends, how are we today?
0:40
Erin Gray: So I'm so excited to visit with you today.
0:43
Erin Gray: I've got Jennifer Irwin on the podcast today and she is a mindful self-compassion teacher and burnout coach, and we're going to talk about one of my favorite topics, which is self-compassion and how it applies to finances and kind of all of the misconceptions that I think a lot of us think when we think of self-compassion.
1:03
Erin Gray: And so I'm just really grateful, jennifer, that you're here to share your wealth and knowledge with us and and let's dive in- Perfect.
1:10
Jennifer Erwin: Thank you for having me.
1:11
Jennifer Erwin: This is my favorite topic.
1:13
Jennifer Erwin: I know that's how we've been started getting connected too, so I'm grateful to be here and talking about it.
1:19
Erin Gray: Yeah, so tell me about what is the relationship between self-compassion and financial wellbeing?
1:25
Erin Gray: Like, what do you see with your clients and, yeah, kind of how you teach that and things of that sort.
1:31
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, so I love this.
1:33
Jennifer Erwin: First, I think it's helpful to start with that definition of like.
1:36
Jennifer Erwin: What is self-compassion?
1:37
Jennifer Erwin: Right, and so self-compassion has these three components.
1:40
Jennifer Erwin: It's kind of being mindful of what's happening inside our bodies, aware of what it is, without getting lost in the story.
1:47
Jennifer Erwin: Right, the opposite is kind of losing that.
1:49
Jennifer Erwin: It's also being connected to the fact that we're human and imperfect, just like everyone else on the planet.
1:54
Jennifer Erwin: So being connected to this sense of common humanity and treating ourselves with a lot of kindness and care, like we would a friend and if you imagine what we do when we show up for a friend who's like having a problem, we would be really present with them, we wouldn't be lost in their emotionality, we'd be really there, we'd be understanding and we'd be really kind.
2:15
Jennifer Erwin: So it's really doing that U-turn and giving it to ourselves, which is really hard.
2:19
Jennifer Erwin: We're not taught how to do that, but that's really the essence of compassion is like really being present with whatever challenge or anything that's happening inside of us and maybe around us, and giving ourselves the same kind of care and compassion that we would to others, and acknowledging that of course we're like struggle is part of a life, part of life, and that we, as imperfect humans, like everyone else to, are to expect that struggle will come up and that there's nothing wrong, necessarily because we're experiencing struggle.
2:51
Jennifer Erwin: So that's the essence of being able to be with ourselves in a relationship like we would one of our friends, because we're often way harder on ourselves than we are with anyone else Um, so, really being able to hold that relationship and so, looking at it from like, okay, if we're able to do that for ourselves, how does that relate to finances?
3:12
Jennifer Erwin: So how I've been kind of thinking about financial wellbeing is about being able to take care of ourselves financially in the short and long term, being able to take actions in that place and also have this sense of like security, about being able to take care of ourselves and like a confidence in how do we relate to money.
3:31
Jennifer Erwin: I also think about it as having a positive relationship with money, and when I was thinking about this, I was like, well, oftentimes our relationships with money have a lot of mirrors with our relationship with ourselves, because there's shame and guilt and all these things.
3:46
Jennifer Erwin: We can be really critical of money, critical of ourselves with money, and so I think it intersects here of if we learn how to hold all these parts of ourselves and to relate to ourselves in this friendly way that bleeds over into every.
4:02
Jennifer Erwin: I mean you and I know both know this it bleeds over into every area of your life.
4:06
Jennifer Erwin: But I think, specifically because finances brings up so much stuff, it can really help support and bleed over into that area, not only by reducing some of the stress that we feel naturally when we practice self-compassion and then often we feel around finances, but also helping us kind of shift, like how can we have a more compassionate relationship with money itself, how can we relate in behaviors in a more compassionate way?
4:32
Jennifer Erwin: So that's kind of what I think of, and I don't know what your take on that is in terms of financial wellbeing, what else you might include and where you might already see some bleed through.
4:42
Erin Gray: Yeah, I wrote down mirror, right, like it.
4:44
Erin Gray: Money is a mirror for ourselves and I think that you, you nailed it, like when, before self-compassion, right, I used to look at money and be like it's not enough, it's not good enough, it's, you know, just so much lack of appreciation which, when I look at how I was with myself, it was the same way, right, like I wasn't ever celebrating myself, I wasn't ever celebrating where we had come from a financial standpoint, like there was so much of the parallels, like you say, of like was I talking down to money and myself all the time, right, and so, like you said, I think that when we learn to really have compassion for ourselves, we start to, and I think compassion I don't know what your take on this is like compassion and gratitude, kind of I don't want to say go hand in hand, but it's easier to find the gratitude because the tenderness and the softness is there, um, and so the for me, it was really when I started to look at like what is my relationship like with money.
5:49
Erin Gray: It was, like you said, very similar to like what my relationship was towards myself, like lots of not good enough, lots of, you know, shoulds, lots of just harshness is the word that comes to mind of how I was with my money and also with myself.
6:03
Erin Gray: And I will say, a practice that each of you that are listening can do is I learned this at a retreat is like how you talk to yourself, write all of that down and then ask yourself would you tell that to a friend?
6:15
Erin Gray: Right, and the answer most times is like no way, I would never do that.
6:20
Erin Gray: And so, really, you know, sitting with or like why do I choose?
6:26
Erin Gray: Cause it is a choice, right, like it is a practice, it is something that we haven't probably been taught right From our parents or our caregivers and just the world around us.
6:35
Erin Gray: Right, like we're, um, and it is a choice and a practice of like keeping to come back to okay, how do I want to be with myself, and it's going to feel kind of weird, right, in the beginning, like anything that we do in that we haven't done before consistently, it feels weird in the beginning.
6:52
Erin Gray: So, really starting to allow that like uncomfortableness.
6:57
Erin Gray: You know, I remember asking like well, what do you mean?
6:59
Erin Gray: Like, how am I supposed to do this?
7:01
Erin Gray: Right, and so allowing, allowing the uncomfortableness to be there, but but starting to talk to yourself as well as talking to your money, right?
7:09
Erin Gray: Like I'm so grateful for all that you have provided for me up until this point, right?
7:14
Erin Gray: Um, and so, yeah, I think that they are totally married and like parallel, absolutely.
7:20
Erin Gray: Um, tell me, how do you, how do you use self-compassion for, or or suggest self-compassion?
7:29
Erin Gray: Because I talk to my clients a lot about this, like making decisions, and you know, a lot of times I think people think self-compassion equals condoning right, and that that isn't the same thing.
7:40
Erin Gray: So when we are, you know, dealing with our finances and also holding those boundaries and that, that self-love for ourselves of what do we want to create in our goals, and also not like letting ourselves off the hook- yeah, and that is.
7:57
Jennifer Erwin: It's such an interesting thing because we have all these misconceptions when we hear the word compassion.
8:02
Jennifer Erwin: And then there's the likes.
8:03
Jennifer Erwin: They're not quite synonyms because they they're different.
8:05
Jennifer Erwin: Self love is different than self compassion, self kindness.
8:08
Jennifer Erwin: You know, they all have little different nuances, but when we think about them they're like, oh, that's so touchy, feely, that's like we have ideas that it's weak, that it's, you know, because we have these conceptions in our culture, that soft tenderness is also weak.
8:23
Jennifer Erwin: And so Kristen Neff, who's one of the founders of Mindful Self-Compassion, talks a lot about both sides.
8:30
Jennifer Erwin: She calls it the yin and yang.
8:31
Jennifer Erwin: The yin side is that tender, welcoming, open.
8:36
Jennifer Erwin: It's the thing we think of when we think of like, oh, that's touchy-feely, and it's very necessary because I think in our culture we don't value that enough.
8:46
Jennifer Erwin: And so that's an important piece of it that we have to turn towards these, like you named, it's often young parts that are hurting from all sorts of things but can come up really strong when we're talking about finances, and so we need to have that like tender, loving space to turn towards those parts so they feel safe enough, yeah, to grow, to grow out of those old patterns.
9:09
Jennifer Erwin: And alongside that, we don't want to negate the fact that self-compassion is also fierce and we often have to take kind of fierce action in order to take care of ourselves.
9:22
Jennifer Erwin: And kristen neff likens it to like that mama bear kind of feeling.
9:26
Jennifer Erwin: So any of the parents out there, that kind of fierce protective energy around your kids and when you're in your best parenting you're holding boundaries, you're firm and kind, you're not letting your kids off the hook, but you're also not like berating them either.
9:42
Jennifer Erwin: Like if your kid comes home with a bad grade on a test, you're going to offer empathy, you're going to offer that tenderness and understanding.
9:50
Jennifer Erwin: And if you're being that great parent, you're going to be like and what could we do better next time?
9:55
Jennifer Erwin: Like this isn't what we want to do, what can we do?
9:58
Jennifer Erwin: And how can we make a plan, no-transcript and that keeps us in a stress loop and actually doesn't open us up to the creative problem solving part of our brain that comes online when we're not stressed.
10:21
Jennifer Erwin: That can be like huh, how could I change this pattern?
10:24
Jennifer Erwin: How could I shift this behavior?
10:25
Jennifer Erwin: How could I shift this behavior?
10:26
Jennifer Erwin: How could I get motivated to look at my finances?
10:29
Jennifer Erwin: Like all that creative, energizing energy gets lost if we stay trapped in this place of like oh I should have known better and I should do better and I'm not enough, or all of that.
10:40
Jennifer Erwin: There's no room to actually create reasonable goals and take and find the energy to move forward with them in a way that is actually possible in our lives.
10:53
Erin Gray: Yeah, I always say, like you know, if we're not looking at our books or we're not, you know, calling our CPA, or we're not doing some of the things that you know the business owner it requires for us to do, it's like, first of all, acknowledging like maybe there is something deeper there, right.
11:09
Erin Gray: Like I always think that there's a reason why we're feeling resistance, right.
11:12
Erin Gray: And so if we can look at it from a compassionate place and a, like you say, a curiosity versus judgment, right, then we are in that creative way of thinking of like okay, what is going on here?
11:25
Erin Gray: Right.
11:25
Erin Gray: And then asking yourself, like with the, with the boundaries, and that's like, yeah, but the, the business owner that you want to become, they do that, right.
11:35
Erin Gray: Like that is something that they value and that they do, and it's not a problem that you aren't doing it right now and also recognizing that is something that you want to work towards, right.
11:45
Erin Gray: And so there's and I always say, like it's not that having self-compassion is the right way to do it and not, and being critical of yourself is the wrong way, right, it's just like how does it feel in your body when you speak to yourself?
12:00
Erin Gray: How does it feel in your body when you look at it from a place of curiosity, versus judgment and shooting.
12:07
Erin Gray: And you know, I will say, like, anytime the shoulds come up right, like that is all head stuff of like that's.
12:14
Erin Gray: We don't like it.
12:15
Erin Gray: I don't.
12:16
Erin Gray: I don't know if anything ever air quotes good right, comes from shooting ourselves.
12:21
Erin Gray: Um, versus, like you say, being in that place of like but what would I want to do differently?
12:26
Erin Gray: And having that spaciousness and openness with ourselves in order to to look at something and see, okay, this is what we did do.
12:35
Erin Gray: Now, what do we want to do moving forward?
12:38
Erin Gray: Um, are there specific?
12:40
Erin Gray: Are there specific techniques or practices that you use with your clients?
12:44
Erin Gray: Um, I mean, there's some that I use, but I would love to hear, like, what, what do you use for your clients?
12:49
Erin Gray: Or, if someone's listening and they're like okay, this is great.
12:51
Erin Gray: And also, how do I start Right, like, if I'm?
12:55
Erin Gray: I mean, I remember I think it was 40 when I was like I've got like 40 years of like not talking so lovingly to myself, right, like, how am I supposed to just like what?
13:03
Jennifer Erwin: do I do yeah, yeah, and that is, I feel, like self-compassion.
13:08
Jennifer Erwin: What I love about it is that it's kind of the tool for all things, so like, even if you're feeling like I don't know how to be more self-compassionate, like self-compassion is the balm for that.
13:18
Jennifer Erwin: It's like you can use it to be, to just meet yourself where you are of like, oh my gosh, like so many people out there, we've just normalized it.
13:26
Jennifer Erwin: That's been true for me, worked on this.
13:28
Jennifer Erwin: I still sometimes I'm like how do I access self-compassion, even though I've been working on it?
13:32
Jennifer Erwin: It's just anything that's new and doesn't always feel natural and we have a lot of negativity bias in our brain.
13:38
Jennifer Erwin: But there's a lot of things you know and it's not a cultural norm.
13:41
Jennifer Erwin: So it's so understandable that it's not the go-to strategy, and that doesn't mean that it's impossible or can't happen.
13:48
Jennifer Erwin: But again, can we bring in that self-compassion even when we're struggling to find self-compassion, like we can just start with whatever layer?
13:56
Jennifer Erwin: So this is always where there's lots of different practices.
14:00
Jennifer Erwin: But I think having that foundation of those three components of it has been really helpful to me and I have a couple of different ways that I check in with myself.
14:09
Jennifer Erwin: But having a practice where you just get quiet.
14:12
Jennifer Erwin: It doesn't have to be meditation myself, but I having a practice where you just get quiet, it doesn't have to be meditation.
14:15
Jennifer Erwin: I'm a big proponent of meditation and I'm a big proponent of people choosing things that feel good to them.
14:20
Jennifer Erwin: And sometimes meditation doesn't feel good to people and that's perfectly okay.
14:24
Jennifer Erwin: I always find like find your doorway, find whatever.
14:27
Erin Gray: Start where you are.
14:28
Jennifer Erwin: Exactly so.
14:28
Jennifer Erwin: Presence, mindedness is different than meditation, so it's just getting present with yourself, like what am I feeling in my body?
14:35
Jennifer Erwin: Like what am I feeling, what am I needing?
14:39
Jennifer Erwin: Sometimes I do just a check in where I'm like, okay, deep breath, it's really quick, it's like less than 30 seconds, and I just turn towards myself and I say what am I feeling?
14:49
Jennifer Erwin: And I just validate it, I just name it and let it be there, and I feel like that's such a skill, because sometimes we're running away from it or pushing it away or not wanting to look at it.
15:02
Jennifer Erwin: But the more we can just be like, okay, I'm feeling scared, or I'm really stressed out, and there's research that shows, as soon as we name it, that they have the same.
15:12
Jennifer Erwin: You name it, you tame it, because it involves both sides of your brain, and so you can be like, oh yeah, I'm overwhelmed, and I usually just reflect it back and I say, oh, I see that you're so overwhelmed, just like I would when I would like empathizing with a friend or you know whatever words you need to hear, just naming that.
15:28
Jennifer Erwin: And once you get to that place of like what's going on, moving into that place of how is this so human, even just saying the phrase, how human of me all humans feel.
15:39
Jennifer Erwin: X Cause I can guarantee you that someone out there, in probably the moment that you're feeling it on the planet, is also feeling stress overall, probably about the same issue.
15:50
Jennifer Erwin: That you are right, and maybe your degree of struggle is different than someone else's or you know.
15:56
Jennifer Erwin: But just to know, like ah, this is part of being human, so you don't feel so alone, like, oh, yeah, that's right, this is part of the human experience.
16:06
Jennifer Erwin: And then, moving into that question of what do I need?
16:09
Jennifer Erwin: How can I care for myself in this moment?
16:13
Jennifer Erwin: What do I need?
16:13
Jennifer Erwin: How can I care for myself in this moment?
16:14
Jennifer Erwin: And really checking in, is there some words that I need to hear?
16:17
Jennifer Erwin: Do I need to just keep validating my feelings?
16:20
Jennifer Erwin: Do I need to take a break from whatever I'm doing?
16:27
Jennifer Erwin: Again, sometimes we're worried, that's indulgence, but sometimes we need to, like, go step outside or take a drink of water or, you know, stretch our body, move our bodies to like kind of shift.
16:35
Jennifer Erwin: Is there something I need to do to shift my physiology?
16:38
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, you know, like whatever, it is just really starting to practice, and you may not know yet, and that's okay.
16:45
Jennifer Erwin: Again, it's like starting where you are and just checking in, even asking the question is there anything I need?
16:50
Jennifer Erwin: If I was with a friend, what would I offer to that friend who, if they had the same struggle or same emotional experience that I'm having, what would I offer them?
17:01
Jennifer Erwin: And then try it and offer it to yourself and see if it lands?
17:04
Jennifer Erwin: You know, a lot of it is that experimentation of like.
17:07
Jennifer Erwin: You know, I'm getting to your.
17:10
Jennifer Erwin: We're tapping down down into something that we don't have usually we haven't been doing right, like, and so it is it to your.
17:15
Jennifer Erwin: We're tapping down down into something that we don't have Usually we haven't been doing right, like, and so it is.
17:18
Jennifer Erwin: It's your.
17:18
Jennifer Erwin: It's like you're getting to know someone for the first time and it's you know.
17:22
Jennifer Erwin: Whenever you think about like oh yeah, I'm making friends with someone and it just feels awkward and you're just getting to know someone else's rhythm, you're doing that for yourself and again, so it's like it's supposed to feel awkward again, if it feels awkward or you don't know, I would always say, within any of these practices, to be like it's okay.
17:41
Jennifer Erwin: It's not supposed to feel any other way than it feels right now.
17:45
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, and I sometimes I like to end my practice with um, there's a phrase and a lot of the mindful self-compassion classes of like, can I allow myself to be just the way I am right in this moment, if only just for a moment, cause I feel like a lot of times and I know personally spend a lot of time resisting whatever's happening because it's uncomfortable, because that's part of being human, and so to just like open up enough space to be like can I just let myself be like this even for a moment, and that builds up your tolerance and your capacity to be with yourself as you are, and it's amazing.
18:27
Jennifer Erwin: We're not doing it to shift the experience.
18:30
Jennifer Erwin: Self-compassion, it's very.
18:31
Jennifer Erwin: We're not doing self-compassion in order to get better.
18:34
Jennifer Erwin: We're doing self-compassion because, as a human who struggles, we deserve compassion.
18:40
Jennifer Erwin: That is like a core belief.
18:41
Jennifer Erwin: We're not giving ourselves compassion to fix anything.
18:44
Jennifer Erwin: We're giving ourselves compassion because we're already whole and it's hard to be human.
18:48
Jennifer Erwin: And so I think too, just coming from that place of like, can I just keep living into that reality and allowing it to be just as it is just for a moment, because that, ironically, not making it want to shift often has it shift.
19:03
Jennifer Erwin: It's one of those kind of hard things of like.
19:06
Jennifer Erwin: We can't make it shift, but oftentimes when we open up to compassion, it makes things easier.
19:12
Jennifer Erwin: That's not the reason we're doing it, but it often does, cause it's like oh, if I, if I let go of those layers of resistance and judgment about my emotions and why I'm feeling this way, we're just here, and then it's just what it is, instead of anything surrounding it.
19:29
Erin Gray: Yeah, I wrote down, you know, like you said, um, normalizing, right, like I think that we want to separate ourselves and be like I'm the only one that's experiencing it, and it's like even even just saying like I'm a human just like everyone else, and all humans experience emotions.
19:46
Erin Gray: Right, I think that for myself I don't know if this was for you too, jennifer, but like myself, I don't know if this was for you too, jennifer, but like it's almost like we, yeah, we separate ourselves and we think like we're the only ones that are going through this, and so it creates even almost like further separation right Versus like every human experiences emotion, and so you know, every person experiences, you know, feeling sad at times and just like, sometimes just talking to yourself and naming those things so that you create some, some distance between like the emotion and like it's almost kind of like you can be sometimes the watcher right Versus in the moment, feeling, like, thinking you are.
20:27
Erin Gray: Your emotions, um, one of the things too and I don't know if you talk about this with your clients or not is like naming that inner critic, like we all, and we have lots of inner critics, right?
20:37
Erin Gray: But like naming.
20:38
Erin Gray: Like it was helpful for me to be like that inner critic yes, she's a part of me because she's trying to protect me and also like the like.
20:48
Erin Gray: Naming her was like okay, she's, she's scared right now.
20:51
Erin Gray: Like when that, when that voice comes up and it starts to really, I would say like sometimes in the beginning it was really harsh, right, like as I was evolving, as I was really doing a lot of things outside my comfort zone, that's when I would hear a lot of that noise and I have been very frank and honest, like it would take me to my knees at times.
21:10
Erin Gray: Like it was so like you know, like so much crying, right, because we have, for a lot of us, we've listened to it for so long and we believed it for so long, right, and also understanding that she, he, whoever right, is a part of you and that comes from a place of trying to protect.
21:30
Erin Gray: Okay, I hear a lot of people sometimes be like you know, F your ego and this, and that it's like no, no, no, no, no, like I I hear a lot of people sometimes be like you know, f your ego and this, and that it's like no, no, no, no, no, like our ego is part of us.
21:38
Erin Gray: Right, like, and so allowing and naming, um, you know, your, your inner critic, because they're there to help you and to support you.
21:46
Erin Gray: Also, one of the things is, like, if you're thinking about sitting down and doing your finances, or you like kind of almost planning, like, okay, what are some things that I can support myself in the moment, right, what might come up Like you saying like, okay, I might, and like what is it that makes me feel safe and secure?
22:05
Erin Gray: Right, like, asking yourself some of these questions.
22:07
Erin Gray: Like, for me, it was like I love to have like a blanket, you know, like when I'm, when I'm really upset, right, like, I love to have like a warm blanket, or I love to have my iced tea, or just like what are some things that, even though they might be external, right, like, what are some things that you can do for yourself, that you can help regulate yourself in that moment?
22:25
Erin Gray: Um, because some of the stuff, as you're, as you're doing money, money, stuff, right Like it's.
22:31
Erin Gray: It's a lot for the nervous system.
22:33
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, yeah, I think rewiring your nervous system so that when you're doing a specifically with finances but this works with anything that you're, you know, feel big in your life, but pairing something that has been challenging with something that's soothing and I feel like that's been something that's helpful for then you're associating something that's soothing with something that used to be stressful and allows you to kind of brainstorm.
22:58
Jennifer Erwin: I know, for my husband and I we went through some iterations of doing our taxes and we've started finding strategies of like how can we celebrate each step?
23:06
Jennifer Erwin: Like, how can we break it up into parts so that it makes it more feasible, instead of just feeling we were just getting lost in all the stress and the angst and now this is so hard?
23:16
Jennifer Erwin: And instead having those strategies of like, well, what could make this more fun?
23:21
Jennifer Erwin: And maybe there's nothing, but at least do make it doable how can we honor what we're working on?
23:27
Jennifer Erwin: You know, all of those things again come from that creative problem solving kind of place and so if you've already soothed your nervous system so you can get to that place or brainstorm in a time when you're not trying to in the midst of it, that can be really helpful.
23:42
Erin Gray: Yeah, and like breaking, like you're saying breaking it up, right, like some of us we will avoid things, right, like that is a symptom of right.
23:52
Erin Gray: You know I don't want to get into money trauma, but like the avoidance, right Is a symptom of that.
23:57
Erin Gray: And so sometimes we avoid things for so long and then it becomes like this huge thing, right, and so sometimes the compassionate thing to do is like just 10 minutes, you know, maybe once a week, Right, like I think, so often we, we think, and also in the self-development world, it's like we've got to go big or go home, right, versus, like what is just 1% for me, what's just 1% outside my comfort zone and what's 1% for me to, you know, um, do something different than I haven't done, in a different way with our money or with, you know, in inside my, my company, Um, because it's it's in that like celebration that I have found.
24:38
Erin Gray: It's in the celebration of those tiny, tiny things, right, um, and getting in the habit of that.
24:44
Erin Gray: There's a meditation and for some of you that aren't, you know, meditators, but I love it it's by Sarah Blondin.
24:49
Erin Gray: I don't know if you've ever listened to her or not, but she, I mean, I love all of her stuff, and.
24:56
Erin Gray: But there's one that says I love you, I'm listening.
24:58
Erin Gray: And if you're just starting out, that might be too far of a jump for you, but maybe you could say like I'm a human, I'm listening to you, right, and if you are at a place where it's like I love you, I'm listening, it's like such a tender place that we can be and turn to ourselves and like think of ourselves as children, right, like I love you, I'm listening, like what is coming up for you in this moment, and allowing yourself to speak.
25:23
Erin Gray: Right, because I think so many of us are in this culture of like, move, move, move, fast, fast, fast, versus slowing down and asking ourselves, like what do you need in this moment?
25:32
Erin Gray: And listening and honoring that.
25:36
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, yeah, there's so much stuff there because it is just naming the reality that I think a lot of times we avoid self-compassion is because it can feel painful.
25:46
Jennifer Erwin: There's a phrase in mindful self-compassion called backdraft, which is this it's a term from like a firefighting world where if there's a fire happening in, a firefighter opens the door, it puts oxygen in, which actually makes the fire go higher.
26:05
Jennifer Erwin: And that same idea happens that when we're turning towards these parts of ourselves that need love but have not received love, it's like opening that door and giving love to these parts, and a lot of pain that has not been felt sometimes does get felt, and so it can feel like that idea of it feeling harder before it feels easier.
26:24
Jennifer Erwin: So just naming that True story it's worth the work, but that there's nothing wrong.
26:31
Jennifer Erwin: And again, self-compassion is one of those things that you can also mitigate, that you don't have to like rip off the band-aid, Like you were just saying.
26:38
Jennifer Erwin: It can be that 1% is what's kind.
26:41
Jennifer Erwin: Again, we have this idea of like go all in or go home, like that there's a black and a white kind of like you're in or you're out, and that doesn't take account to like how life works, is that you know, I have done a practice.
26:56
Jennifer Erwin: It comes from Samantha Bennett, who's an amazing coach and she just talks about 15 minutes a day and if you can make that anything, and there's also like a whole philosophy around, like tiny habits and things like that and it is amazing how that has worked for me in my life because it makes it doable when, if you think, okay, I have to run for 45 minutes every day, you do it for two days and then you're sore and you're tired and you're like, oh, my gosh, I don't have the energy.
27:21
Jennifer Erwin: But if I'm like, okay, I'm just going to go for a 10 minute walk, that gets your body, it feels doable.
27:27
Jennifer Erwin: You're like, I can do this, I can do this even at the end of the day, like I don't have to gear up for it.
27:32
Jennifer Erwin: And that's the same with, like, looking at your budget.
27:37
Jennifer Erwin: If you're like, okay, I have to revamp everything in my financial life, it's like, oh, what if I could?
27:42
Jennifer Erwin: Just, you know, track one expense.
27:46
Jennifer Erwin: Yes, you know, and it just it gets you in the habit of tracking and it feels easy.
27:51
Jennifer Erwin: And you can be like, okay, every time I spend money on a coffee or a gas or whatever it is, just track it and it feels you have to get over the psychological hurdle that it feels like nothing.
28:02
Jennifer Erwin: But it really is everything establishing that first habit because then it's easier to habit stack and then you can increase if it feels right.
28:11
Jennifer Erwin: I I've exercised almost every day for the past two years by doing about 15 minutes of exercise.
28:17
Jennifer Erwin: Some days I do more, some days I do less, but I have showed up every day for the past two years by doing about 15 minutes of exercise.
28:18
Jennifer Erwin: Some days I do more, some days I do less, but I have showed up every day and I felt the like, mostly mental and emotional benefits.
28:26
Jennifer Erwin: Physically I'm much stronger too, but it's amazing how those kinds of things you know and I did it because it's self-compassionate I'm like I can do 15 minutes and I'm showing up on the mat not because I'm like, oh well, I'm going to get you know, cause I have to look a certain way.
28:40
Jennifer Erwin: It's like, no, this is for me, this is the 15 minutes I'm devoting to me, and that's where I feel like, um, we were talking about different kinds of energy.
28:50
Jennifer Erwin: That self-criticism can feel energizing naming that, but I I kind of think of it and I hate this because it sounds judgmental, but it's like a dirty energy because it comes with pollution.
29:02
Jennifer Erwin: It comes with it's like side effects.
29:03
Jennifer Erwin: I think about it.
29:04
Jennifer Erwin: It's like, okay, it'll get you so far but you're gonna have the side effects of shame and guilt, the drag that comes from those, versus self-compassion, which does take some work putting in.
29:16
Jennifer Erwin: You know it's not as easy or as um natural for some of us as self, self-criticism, but it's a cleaner, long burning energy that sustains you long-term.
29:30
Jennifer Erwin: I know Kristen talks about like a coal power train versus an electric train, but I kind of think about it as dirty and clean energy of like what?
29:38
Jennifer Erwin: What are going to be the consequences that sometimes we can't see as clearly because everyone else is doing it right.
29:45
Jennifer Erwin: Everyone else is criticizing themselves and that's normal and it feels comfortable, but there's a high cost that we're not seeing versus the like upfront.
29:56
Jennifer Erwin: You know, learning self-compassion, but it's a long I.
30:00
Jennifer Erwin: It's just so much more sustainable in the longterm and it doesn't come with any of those side effects.
30:05
Jennifer Erwin: In fact it comes with benefits.
30:06
Jennifer Erwin: Like you know, your life just starts growing.
30:09
Jennifer Erwin: Instead of having all these side effects that are negative, you have side effects that are positive.
30:14
Erin Gray: Yeah, I want to go back to cause.
30:15
Erin Gray: I want to.
30:15
Erin Gray: I'm going to make a comment on that as well as like you know, it's like when you were talking about working out or whatever.
30:20
Erin Gray: It's like dropping the expectations.
30:22
Erin Gray: It's like we have so many attachments to goals.
30:24
Erin Gray: It's like what if our goals started to be like because it feels good in my body, because, you know, I like to move my body?
30:32
Erin Gray: Or you know, like if we're talking about financials, right, it's like, because I like to be the business owner that knows my numbers, because I like to be like we don't have to attach it to a monetary or a like, a, I call it like a 3d goal.
30:46
Erin Gray: Right, like working out, or like or making more money or something like that, but like it's like the person that you are being and becoming like that.
30:54
Erin Gray: That is the goal, right, like.
30:55
Erin Gray: And then the cherry on top is like oh, because I'm stronger or because I, you know, maybe look better, or you know I make more money, but like it's, it's the, it's those inherent things.
31:05
Erin Gray: That like is what's going to keep us going.
31:08
Erin Gray: You know, because there will be a time maybe in our business that you know we're maybe in a lull, or you know what I mean and it's.
31:14
Erin Gray: And so I think, like the dropping those expectations and what you said, of like I think, like zero to 1% is everything, because you're going from literally zero at a stop, right, inertia, you're having to create momentum.
31:26
Erin Gray: Um, versus, you know, once you think about like a plane, right, like a plane uses so much fuel to get off of the ground, but like, once they're in the air, they, they are gliding Right.
31:38
Erin Gray: And so I think I think of it like that as well.
31:41
Erin Gray: I wanted to go back to um, you know, when the inner critic and you were talking about um, that is like Dr Joe Dispenza talks a lot about this of like in our bodies, right, Like, our bodies are used to feeling certain emotions and they release certain chemicals, and so if we haven't felt that emotion in a while, those chemicals, right, dissipate and so guilt creates certain chemicals in our body.
32:09
Erin Gray: And so if we aren't, and we haven't felt that in a while, something will come up, right, like the emotion will come up or a thought will come up to trigger it to, because our bodies are like, hey, wait a second.
32:18
Erin Gray: Right, I haven't felt guilt in a while, right, like it's addictive, it is addictive, and so you know our body's addiction and so recognizing like where am I addicted to guilt, where am I addicted to shame?
32:29
Erin Gray: And not from a like shaming yourself or anything like that, but just like, yeah, like it it's.
32:34
Erin Gray: We haven't practiced feeling joy and peace and I'm like what's, what is the?
32:42
Erin Gray: What is the emotion of celebration?
32:44
Erin Gray: I think it's like proud satisfaction.
32:47
Erin Gray: I'm not sure you know what I mean.
32:48
Erin Gray: It's like we haven't practiced those emotions more consistently.
32:52
Erin Gray: So our body doesn't isn't craving those as much as it's craving the shame and the guilt.
32:58
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, yeah, I like to think about it in neural pathways.
33:01
Jennifer Erwin: It's just we don't have, you know, like we have this highway that our brains like it's just easy.
33:07
Jennifer Erwin: It's just easy to get on the highway and take that thought loop Right.
33:10
Jennifer Erwin: And if we're talking about building one, that's self-compassionate, it's like a forest in the jungle.
33:15
Jennifer Erwin: We're like hacking through with a machete and to just like give ourselves compassion, compassion of like yeah, we don't have a highway built, there's no highway, there's not even a path on the ground yet.
33:25
Jennifer Erwin: And so it's like, of course this is hard or of course this feels uncomfortable.
33:31
Jennifer Erwin: Again, it's like bringing the self-compassion to the self-compassion, learning, because it's like, oh yeah, this makes sense Again, normalizing it, like, yeah, and that's true of any neural circuit, for any type of skill that you want to learn, if you're picking up a new sport, if you're doing whatever you have to create, there's not much of a path usually there of you know, and that same with a feeling of emotion or thinking, a new thought loop Right, and just, anytime you get on the highway of the old way, starting to feel guilt again or shame, you can just be like, oh yeah, of course, I have so many exits in my mind to get on this highway.
34:08
Jennifer Erwin: They've been built, like you said, over many, many years.
34:11
Jennifer Erwin: And so again, just like it's okay that it's hard and it's and it's worth creating those new neural pathways because we want that feeling like, whether our business succeeds or fails, wouldn't we want to be developing a feeling of wellbeing and satisfaction, no matter what life throws at us.
34:31
Jennifer Erwin: So those feeling goals or how we want to be in our bodies is ultimately what we're craving.
34:37
Jennifer Erwin: Anyway, like when we're saying I want to make a lot of money, usually it's connected to feeling secure, feeling successful, feeling proud what if you could just do that?
34:48
Jennifer Erwin: And sometimes we fight.
34:49
Jennifer Erwin: I know my brain's always like but you really want this thing.
34:51
Jennifer Erwin: It's still really attached sometimes to thinking that the 3D thing will give me the feeling.
34:57
Jennifer Erwin: But experience has taught me over and over again and I bet you all will know too that it's like we get the thing and it's like a little bit of a hit, a little bit of the dopamine, and then we go back to our normal set point and we start that whole process again.
35:11
Jennifer Erwin: But if we rewire and we start from this other place, we're like oh, I can experience joy, wellbeing, pride, you know all these things now, no matter what's going on, and that's like the ultimate power to be able to have that, and oftentimes when we feel that way, good things come to us.
35:30
Jennifer Erwin: So it's that bonus, like you said, the cherry on the top yeah, it's like Abraham has said, you know, like there's no.
35:36
Erin Gray: What does she say?
35:37
Erin Gray: There is no happy ending to an unhappy journey.
35:41
Erin Gray: And it's it.
35:42
Erin Gray: It's feels so true because, like I know for myself, right Like the 3d, right Like you think that that amount of money and you have that amount of money and you're like, hmm, not really any different, right, like it's not long-term.
35:54
Erin Gray: And so the other thing is, like you just get to feel that and I'm not saying when I say all the time, I'm not saying I don't feel sadness, I don't feel grief, I don't feel anger or frustration, right, but my baseline now is very different, right, I don't.
36:07
Erin Gray: It's almost like a with it's not very compassionate to withhold those higher vibration emotions from yourself until the very, very end.
36:16
Erin Gray: Right, like you get to experience it and have those feelings, like I, we, I believe we came here to earth to like have fun and have joy and experience that.
36:26
Erin Gray: Right, and so you get to have that all along the way.
36:28
Erin Gray: You don't have to withhold and restrict that from yourself up until the very end.
36:33
Erin Gray: You know, yeah.
36:34
Jennifer Erwin: And I think that's where, a lot of times, self-compassion you can start looking at those like limiting beliefs that you have about ourselves, cause so many of us have told ourselves I'm not enough as I am, I don't deserve those feelings.
36:45
Jennifer Erwin: That's sometimes why we think, well, I will deserve it when.
36:48
Jennifer Erwin: And so it really is about flipping it of like what if right now, just as I am imperfect human that I am, I already deserve compassion and, starting with that, a compassion in my struggle, and then you can be like I already deserve joy in my triumphs and my successes and joy in my everyday delights.
37:08
Jennifer Erwin: You know, all of those things start to open up when we just have a little bit more compassionate room to see things as they are.
37:16
Jennifer Erwin: You know, I feel like that's so much of what mindful self-compassion has given me.
37:20
Jennifer Erwin: It's just a little more space to name, like you said, name my inner critic as my inner critic and turn towards her with love but she's not in the driver's seat anymore.
37:29
Jennifer Erwin: I taught a whole class of like taming your inner critic and she was driving my life because she thought she knew best and instead kind of connecting to our own inner wisdom Again, if the more we can do that through some of these practices.
37:42
Jennifer Erwin: It helps us start to trust ourselves and we can be like honey, you sit here, you don't leave the car, you're a part of me, yeah, and I listen, but I'm the one who's driving, and it does.
37:54
Jennifer Erwin: It creates this empowering place where then we're like okay, I'm in the driver's seat of my life, I are always.
38:00
Jennifer Erwin: We'll have all these different parts of me that will have things.
38:03
Jennifer Erwin: I'll have the child part, I'll have the inner critic.
38:05
Jennifer Erwin: I'll have, you know, parts that we inherited from our parents and they're a part of us, but they're not.
38:10
Jennifer Erwin: You know, we have some space from them and we can name them for what they are and make a more responsive choice.
38:17
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, instead of a reactionary choice and that's, I think, with finances, gosh, we it's so embedded we react so much.
38:26
Jennifer Erwin: I know I used to.
38:27
Jennifer Erwin: Every time I'd feel stressed or kind of anxious.
38:29
Jennifer Erwin: I wanted to eat out and it was one of those things, and then I feel guilty for spending the money and I wasn't as happy.
38:34
Jennifer Erwin: And it was like being able to get some space and see from that pattern and have compassion for myself of oh, there's this part that so wants to have fun At that point in my life, my life was really stressful and it was like this part really believed that by spending money and going out and having a fun experience, that it would be better.
38:53
Jennifer Erwin: And it never was.
38:54
Jennifer Erwin: But this part really like hung on to this experience.
38:58
Jennifer Erwin: And so nowadays I can have more space when I feel that urge, because sometimes I might want to eat out, and that's okay, and sometimes I'm like you know what this is.
39:07
Jennifer Erwin: There's other ways that are actually going to serve me.
39:09
Jennifer Erwin: I can really get in touch with my needs and be like no, I actually feel like I'm in a good financial place, it feels okay to spend the money and to enjoy that and I'm going to be really present to that.
39:19
Jennifer Erwin: And other times where I'm like you know what, I would rather use that money in a different way.
39:22
Jennifer Erwin: And again, that's not punishing, it's just coming from a value place.
39:27
Jennifer Erwin: You can be like okay, how can I give this part fun without having to go out to eat?
39:32
Jennifer Erwin: So that's just like you know, we just have a little more space to see things for what they are.
39:38
Erin Gray: Yeah, I love that you said that values, because it's really true, right, like everybody has different values, and so I think we want to look outside and be like, oh well, so-and-so says, you know, like financial gurus.
39:48
Erin Gray: Oh well, they say to do X, y, z or no on the lattes, or it's like what do you value?
39:53
Erin Gray: I think that's something that like really kind of doing that exercise of like, what do I value?
39:59
Erin Gray: I mean, I value travel, and so my and I don't really value, like my clothes, and it's not that I don't value it as like I don't care what I look like, it's just like I you probably will never see me wearing a $200 shirt, right, that's my value, right?
40:11
Erin Gray: That doesn't mean that if somebody else, right, wants to buy a $200 shirt, it's just like what are your values and are you?
40:17
Erin Gray: Are you using your money in a ways that are in alignment with your values?
40:22
Erin Gray: And the easiest way to do that is like to look at your credit card statement or to look at your bank statement, right, and here we go back to self-compassion and having self-compassion when you notice, okay, a value of mine might be, you know, um, eating really healthfully, but maybe you're going.
40:39
Erin Gray: Like, you're saying, like maybe you're going out to eat at restaurants that you're like you, it's like that quick, like we were just talking about, it's that quick fix of that dopamine in the moment.
40:47
Erin Gray: And then you're like it's not that lasting effect, right.
40:51
Erin Gray: And so being able to look at your finances, being able to look, you know whether it's personal and or in your business like am I using money in my business the way that is alignment with my values.
41:02
Erin Gray: Anything else that you want to add that maybe I haven't asked or haven't thought about, that you would want to share?
41:10
Jennifer Erwin: No, I think we touched on.
41:11
Jennifer Erwin: I think just the misconceptions about self-compassion are worth underscoring again.
41:16
Jennifer Erwin: Just because we think that it will, um, that being soft on ourselves can, you know, demotivate us.
41:25
Jennifer Erwin: And that's so strong we think, oh, it's letting ourselves off the hook.
41:28
Jennifer Erwin: It can demotivate us.
41:29
Jennifer Erwin: And I just want to put a plug for the research.
41:32
Jennifer Erwin: And the research shows that people who who score high on a measure, an objective measure of self-compassion, that they rate themselves as more self-compassionate and do that have better long-term, they're more resilient and they have more behaviors Like they're able to, you know, eat well and exercise, they're good about taking care of their health, and I'm sure I don't know if there's been research on finances, but so much of financial stuff is being able to pause and say will this short-term desire be in the best interest, like we were just talking about with values?
42:05
Jennifer Erwin: And so people who are self-compassionate have that spaciousness to be like huh, am I going to be responsible?
42:11
Jennifer Erwin: Is this the best thing for me long-term?
42:14
Jennifer Erwin: Because it's really easy in our really stressed out world to like want that quick fix because we're so, we want the dopamine.
42:21
Jennifer Erwin: So bad, and it's easy.
42:23
Jennifer Erwin: And so having more of a self-compassionate mindset just has been shown in research.
42:28
Jennifer Erwin: To help with that, building those long-term habits which so much of financial wellness, especially in the 3d world, but also in building a relationship long-term with money really has to do with being able to be reflective and think of the future self.
42:44
Jennifer Erwin: Who will I want to be 10 years from now?
42:46
Jennifer Erwin: What do I want that that part of me to have?
42:50
Erin Gray: Yeah, I love that.
42:50
Erin Gray: Where can I'll put all of this information that we talked about different teachers and authors and things of that sort in the show notes?
42:58
Erin Gray: Where can people find you?
42:59
Erin Gray: They want to reach out, they want to learn more about you, things of that sort.
43:02
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, I always love connecting with people and the best way to reach me is through my website and it's just my name, so Jennifer Irwin, and then coachingcom, and on there you're, you can peruse resources.
43:14
Jennifer Erwin: I have kind of, when we talked about inner critics, I have a little quiz on there of like who's creating your stress Cause we all have inner stressors.
43:20
Jennifer Erwin: That's kind of fun.
43:21
Jennifer Erwin: And then if, if, if, there's anything ever.
43:24
Jennifer Erwin: I love connecting with people, so don't be afraid to book a free call If that's what feels right.
43:28
Jennifer Erwin: There's never any pressure to sign up for further coaching.
43:30
Jennifer Erwin: I just again, I love these kinds of conversations and connecting with people and supporting people and even just being that touchstone, even if I'm just that leaping point to the next thing that you need know that that's.
43:41
Jennifer Erwin: That's part of my mission and joy in life.
43:44
Erin Gray: Yeah, perfect, I'll put all of your information in the show notes.
43:47
Erin Gray: I appreciate you, jennifer.
43:48
Erin Gray: Thanks for coming on and sharing your information and knowledge with us and for each of you that are listening.
43:53
Erin Gray: Thank you so much.
43:54
Jennifer Erwin: Yeah, thank you for having me.
43:55
Jennifer Erwin: Thank you, of course.
43:57
Erin Gray: Thank you for tuning in today.
43:58
Erin Gray: I appreciate you spending your time with me.
44:00
Erin Gray: I created grow the CEO cohort for the entrepreneur that wants to be in a community with other heart-based entrepreneurs.
44:07
Erin Gray: It's a place where we blend the 3d of money like understanding your bookkeeping and taxes and investing and how it applies to your business along with the 5d of money, like the energetics and the emotions that you feel with money.
44:21
Erin Gray: To learn more about growthy CEO cohort, you can head over to my website at generate a life well-livedcom and, as always, from my soul to yours.