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The Psychology of Control. Family Dynamics Shape A Child’s Personality · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: How I'm Kimley, child and adolescent psychotherapist, and you are listening to the series, the overarching series, entitled From Inside the Consulting Room.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And there goes my phone.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: This episode, though, has to do with the series that I'm in the process of, which is to do with the psychology of control.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And in this episode, I want to look at what happens with children who grow up inside environments where different forms of control, unhealthy forms, are the backdrop.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people say to me that children adapt.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I suppose at one level, it's quite remarkable that they do.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: But it's also one of the saddest.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because a child can grow up in an atmosphere of tension, unpredictability, emotional instability, silence, manipulation, and divided loyalties or fear, and still learn how to function just about inside it.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: They learn when to speak, when to stay quiet, when to disappear emotionally, when to soothe, when to avoid and when to become useful.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And because these adaptations help them survive psychologically, they often become mistaken for personality.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: They become the quiet child or the difficult child or the mature child or the angry child or the independent child.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the only word in each of those five descriptions that is most relevant is the word child.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: But very often they're not personality traits at all.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: They're survival strategies.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when we think about a child that is controlled, we're not necessarily talking about a child who is overtly dominated, but a child whose developmental state becomes organized and adapt to the emotional needs and tensions and psychological structures within the family system.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because children don't simply grow inside families, they adapt to them.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when the emotional environment becomes psychologically unsafe, the adaptation can be profound.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: A child's nervous system is constantly asking, Am I safe here?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not only physically, but emotionally, psychologically, relationally.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if safety feels inconsistent, the child starts adjusting accordingly without even knowing.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Some children become hyper-vigilant, excessively compliant, emotionally overtuned, or even parentally protective.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Others become aggressive, oppositional, emotionally shut down, or behave chaotically.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is particularly true when we see children who are caught between opposing parents and the psychological pressure that is created and how that pressure finds adaptive or oppositional behavior.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: But underneath both sets of responses lies the same thing, and that is adaptation to emotional instability.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the most psychologically damaging dynamics occur is when a child becomes emotionally responsible for the environment around them.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: The child learns not to upset mum, not to provoke dad, not to increase tension, not to threaten emotional equilibrium.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And in the case that I spoke about recently, where a family really who had exercised control through denial, we saw that the children aligned themselves and allied themselves to the other parent.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So one child with one parent, one child with another, and a bit more complex than that.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: But that put the children in opposition.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: But what was interesting is that one took the compliant or the largely compliant, helpful child position who is attuned to and alert to her environment.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: The other was oppositional, aggressive, and in a in a terrible state.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: So gradually, children stop developing freely because too much psychological energy is being directed towards emotional management.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: The child becomes careful, watchful, burdened, and prematurely just psychologically organized around others.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: They stop being themselves and they start adapting as best they can.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes this develops into what we call parentification, where the child functions emotionally as though they're responsible for the parent.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: They're listening to adult distress, managing emotional and behavioral crises, absorbing anxiety, acting as confidant, mediator, or stabilizer.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And outwardly, these children often appear mature.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: People say they're so grown up, they're wise beyond their years, they're incredibly thoughtful, and I think, oh my God.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I wonder how they learned that it was a case that they needed to be that way.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: But psychologically, something developmentally costly may be occurring.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because children aren't meant to carry emotional burdens.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Other children adapt quite differently.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Some become angry, very angry, defiant, oppositional, explosive, aggressive, violent.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And these children are misunderstood most severely because behavior becomes the focus, not the emotional system underneath it.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I know people will be tired of hearing me say this, but I won't stop because behavior is the signal.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: We have to read signals.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're like headlines, but they don't tell the story.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Anger in children has meaning, especially chronic anger.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it reflects helplessness, divided loyalties, emotional invalidation, instability, or the impossibility of safely expressing distress.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: When I see the children when I see children in my consulting room, those children who are described as you know, the meltdown kids, the ones who are oppositional, aggressive, and these things don't happen in isolation.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's being described to me is an episode which is the final part of a long sequence, some of it invisible.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: When I talk with children about, and I might say things like, Well, tell me what happened.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And they'll quite often get angry and defensive.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I say, Well, let's go back to before it started.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: What can you tell me?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: What do you remember?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And bit by bit the child will tell me, and I listen, and what I see is that the anger is most often an expression of hurt, being misunderstood, being treated in a way that anticipates that the child is going to be difficult, or in fact, is a reaction in the child which is to which is towards the parent's distress.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was the parent who was behaving angrily beforehand.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: The parent might say, Well, I just needed something to happen, or I needed something to stop.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and you might very well have escalated something without realizing it.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this is quite important, particularly with adolescents who are volatile.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Much of my work has to do with de-escalating with the child, helping them to learn how to de-escalate themselves, but also helping parents to see that whilst I understand what it is that they're doing and why, in fact, what's required is to de-escalate.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: In conflicted families, what we see is that one child aligns with one parent and another aligns elsewhere.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And now the child is no longer simply relating their positioning.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Love can become politicized, affection becomes loaded, and the child begins learning something deeply dangerous psychologically.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: The connection might just require choosing sides.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: The long-term effects really are quite tragic because these childhood adaptations don't just disappear automatically when the child enters adulthood because the nervous system remembers.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: The hyper-vigilant child may become the anxious father, the overfunctioning parent, the emotionally exhausted adult.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: The controlled child may become conflict avoidant, approval seeking, guilt-written, or unable to identify their own needs clearly.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And the angry child, well, that may continue, and they may continue to carry the rage that was never truly understood, so that it then becomes easily triggered.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: One of the deepest consequences of controlled and controlling family systems is confusion around identity itself.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: When adaptation becomes constant, the child may never fully develop a secure sense of preference, autonomy, emotional legitimacy, or psychological separateness.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, why do I say this?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's really quite simple.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Separating from a family and managing the world around you is going to require some skills.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Learning those skills, developing those skills, start long before the child separates from the family.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Children who have learned to adapt in that adaptive, reorganizing themselves kind of way tend not to do quite so well in the big wide world.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's harder for them.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know how to say no, they don't know how to experience a sense of self-validation.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: They're constantly alert to the possible judgments or actions of others.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: So those kinds of things inhibit autonomy.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And later in life, very often these individuals often ask themselves, I don't actually know who I am when I'm not adapting.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or they might say, I am happiest when I'm helping others.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, you may be.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And what about when you're not helping others?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: What's left then?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Controlled family systems often preserve themselves through narrative.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: The family may insist, we're close.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is fine.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: We've always been supportive.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that might not be what the child experiences.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: They may experience fear, confusion, emotional burden or instability.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And this creates a devastating split between external appearance and internal reality.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: And this leaves the child doubting their own emotional truth.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery begins with recognition, not blame, recognition.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: The adult begins to understand what I thought was personality, in fact, is adaptation.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the charged genuine self, and that can be painful, but also liberating, because once adaptation is recognized, choice begins to emerge.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: The individual can begin separating survival from identity and fear from responsibility and guilt from love and hypervigilance from connection.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And what children actually need isn't perfection, they need safety, predictability, truthful communication, boundaries, and repair after conflict, and the freedom to remain being a child.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing is they need their parents, the grown-ups, to behave like grown-ups.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And by that I mean people who are able to tolerate their own internal states or at least get the help they might need if they can't.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't, as a parent, if you cannot emotionally contain yourself, you certainly won't be able to contain your children.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it could end up that one or both children end up being your emotional container.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: No good.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: One of the saddest truths in psychotherapy is how many adults are still living according to emotional rules that they learned as children, still monitoring, adapting, fearing emotional consequences, still organizing themselves around the moods and unstability of others.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they're weak, but because at one time those were survival strategies.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Allowing the child to stop surviving in this kind of way enables them to begin living and living in a way that is healthy and autonomous.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: We are very privileged to be in a position where we can influence the trajectory of a child's life.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be back soon.