Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Don't "Try To Be More Interesting" To Make People Interested In You

Transcript

Don't "Try To Be More Interesting" To Make People Interested In You · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today I'm going to talk about why you should not try to make
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  yourself more interesting for any reason except that you
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  yourself want to do something. Certainly not for some other
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  person on the Internet to think that they want to date you, or
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  for your wife to be interested in you, or your girlfriend or
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  your boyfriend or anything like that.
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  We'll talk about that as soon as I tell you to subscribe.
• 0:32
  Most recent subscriber episode was on the idea that porn the
• 0:36
  the some people think porn does not exacerbate exacerbate
• 0:42
  masturbation. And they are wrong.
• 0:46
  Porn can certainly make you want to masturbate more like why
• 0:50
  should this even be something where like that isn't known?
• 0:53
  Obviously if you smell food don't you want to eat?
• 0:57
  But anyway, if you need a more in depth explanation for that,
• 1:00
  or a better way to frame it to your husband who spends multiple
• 1:04
  hours a day masturbating, then you should subscribe and listen
• 1:07
  to that. OK, so this, as many of my
• 1:11
  topics do, comes from the secret group and you should join the
• 1:14
  Facebook secret group, blue subscribe button, et cetera on
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  the Facebook page. And somebody was saying they
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  wanted more hobbies to make themselves more interesting to
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  other people. No, no, no, no.
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  Like, on on, like dating apps and stuff.
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  Like, because people say, oh, what do you do for fun?
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  And they just parent and work like, you know, like me, like
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  everyone, like every, like every woman, certainly almost every
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  woman. You know, when I talk about
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  this, I have literally a podcast that says why not to tell your
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  wife to get a hobby. OK, so like, there's two things
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  that are so absurd. The first one is like thinking
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  that men are saying that for any reason besides to make
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  conversation. Like unless somebody such a
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  fitness nut or like I don't even know what, like a a travel nut
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  or like a nut like just an obsessive person, then they do
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  not care if their partner shares their specific hobby.
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  Even if they're a fitness not, they just want somebody who does
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  fitness. They don't necessarily want
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  somebody who does the specific type of fitness they do unless
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  they really are, you know, this is a core, core part of their
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  personality. Like, you know, like a guy loves
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  to do triathlons and is and he just really wants a woman who
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  does triathlons. Well, I'll tell you, you can't
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  just become a triathlete to attract that man that you know
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  that would have to be who you are.
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  Otherwise, you know you're not going to date for more than
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  like, I don't know, three weeks before like that comes to light
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  that you don't. I really like to do that.
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  But anyway, guys don't care. They don't care if you have a
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  hobby. Most women with kids don't have
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  hobbies. They only have things that like
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  double dip as productive, like exercise is like to keep
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  yourself in good health. Plus, it's I guess a hobby.
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  Reading is to relax, to relax or to learn things.
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  And then I guess it's a hobby cooking.
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  Well, everybody has to eat, right?
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  So, like, you know, got to cook, you know, whatever.
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  I just don't know a lot of women who have like hobbies at the
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  level that men do because as I always say, go back to the show
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  chimp empire. The men play and they are
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  competitive and they have fake fights and and real fights and
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  the women take care of the kids and like basically hang out and
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  groom each other And that's literally what is like reality
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  for mammals especially mammals that are human esque or human.
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  So point being is that you should never be a woman who gets
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  like a hobby. Because think about it, what's
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  your hobby going to be? It's like a woman hobby.
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  It's like like the hobby I most recently liked was like a glass
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  making class that I took with not glass making.
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  It was like glass jewelry making.
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  And I learned how to cut the glass and then we made it into
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  earrings. What do you think that's going
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  to like attract a man. It's certainly not going to be
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  like a man, a tractor to have like a jewelry making hobby.
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  And that's the kind of hobby that would be real, you know,
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  like if I had more time and I wasn't doing shit like doctor
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  psych mom, then maybe I would do a whole bunch of glass jewelry
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  making. Maybe that's what I'll do in my
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  retirement. But either way, that is not like
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  the sort of hobby that I met. Like like, what would be the
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  conversation? He would like ask about it.
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  Then he'd be like, oh, that stuff looks nice and then that
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  would be that. So you do not ever need a hobby
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  to attract a man. Now on the other side, it's
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  equally stupid. Like like women want you to be
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  in good shape. Sure, not like a bodybuilder,
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  but certainly somebody could walk and you know, like without
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  losing their breath and whatever be in like good shape, good
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  health. But do you think they want to
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  hear about your sports? Like, why?
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  Why would they want to do that unless they share the same exact
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  interest of sport? So if you play tennis and she
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  plays tennis, y'all could talk about tennis, you could play
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  tennis, That's good. But there's still no man or
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  woman in the world, really, unless they're a top level elite
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  tennis player who's going to not date somebody, say don't play
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  tennis, it could be a deal breaker to not be athletic at
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  all. But then again, like, do you
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  want to fake be athletic for like years of your life because
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  you lied to somebody on your dating profile that you were
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  athletic when you're really not athletic?
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  I mean, it's just doesn't make any sense.
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  The point is, is that nobody wants to hear about hobbies
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  unless they share the exact same one because it's boring as shit.
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  It's like hearing about people's dreams.
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  So like, no one ever wants to hear about that.
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  Travel stories people only pretend to like to hear unless
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  they've traveled to the same place and they're like a fellow
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  small talk aficionado. And they're just relieved that
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  the conversation is going no deeper than talking about what
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  you each did in Rome. You know, I guess, I mean, I
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  don't know, like maybe I'm the wrong person to ask about this,
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  but I mean, shit is, if you are somebody who listens to the
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  Doctor psych mom show, it is obvious then that you.
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  I mean, there is no video to this.
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  There's nothing cool about it. It's literally me talking about
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  my deep thoughts about human interactions.
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  So it's probably a good bet that you're probably a deep thinker.
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  Do you really, like, give a shit if somebody has a specific hobby
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  or travel to a certain destination?
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  Who cares? You know, A dream in fact would
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  be more interesting. So at least that reflects their
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  subconscious. But I guess where they travel
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  could reflect their subconscious.
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  But we all know that travel stories don't actually get that
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  deep point, being that guys in their 20s and women in their 30s
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  and 40s seem to think that they need to be more interesting.
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  You don't need to be more interesting.
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  You yourself are interesting. If you struggle with not
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  thinking, you're interesting, That's a self esteem issue.
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  You should be in therapy and figure out why you think that.
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  Probably you had a critical, dismissive parent who didn't
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  think that you were that interesting, you know?
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  And that's how you ended up thinking.
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  You're not that interesting because you and I come back to
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  this all the time because it's such a good point.
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  Men in prison have girlfriends. Why do you think they're doing
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  something exciting every day to talk about in their letters?
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  No, they're in prison. So why do women talk to them?
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  Why do women have prison husbands and prison boyfriends
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  'cause they write loving emails and letters and phone calls
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  where they ask all about the woman.
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  They say how much they love her and they miss her and how hot
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  she is in her latest picture or her latest visit.
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  They're not doing anything all day.
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  Literally watch the show Prison wives.
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  I mean, it could be really an eye opener.
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  So guys may like to have hobbies if they do have it.
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  Certainly don't think it makes you more interesting to a woman.
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  And if you're a woman, you want a hobby?
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  Have it. Don't think it'll make you more
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  interesting to a man. But if you don't have hobbies,
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  that fuck it, right? Don't.
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  Also, don't read books thinking they're going to make you more
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  interesting to another person. Read a book that you like.
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  You only have one life. You have a limited, limited
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  amount of time. I just read the book. 4000
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  weeks. That's how many weeks we have on
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  this planet. Do not do stuff just so that
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  other people find you less abhorrent.
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  Instead think about why you have a deep seated fear that other
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  people do find you abhorrent, or at the very least extremely
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  boring. And that usually originates in
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  family of origin. And basically being told that
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  you weren't that interesting implicitly by a parent not
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  paying much attention to you. Which then you may have
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  interpreted because people don't say, oh you know, at five years
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  old. They don't say, oh Gee, Mom has
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  an unlimited emotional bandwidth.
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  Probably was due to her own emotional neglect as a child.
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  I guess that's why she never asks much about my day.
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  No, you just conclude that you must kind of be boring, you
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  know, because there's like all the other kids whose moms are
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  asking about their day and yours isn't.
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  So whether or not you have the conscious thought about it at
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  the time, you emerge into the world with the idea that you are
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  less interesting and less lovable than other people.
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  And that's what this hunt to be more interesting is, is it's
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  really a hunt to be more lovable.
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  The only reason you would think you need to be more lovable is
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  if you didn't feel loved enough as a kid, right?
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  And that wasn't your parents fault.
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  They did the best they could. Their life was probably much
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  worse than yours when they were a kid, you know?
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  And everybody tries to improve. But the point being is that
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  doesn't really matter the intentions, accepting as much as
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  it can help you understand and not be angry if that's your
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  goal. But the the point is, is that
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  somewhere you learned that you were boring and that you needed
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  to like have party tricks. You know, like juggle on a
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  unicycle to make people think that you're interesting and you
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  don't if you are dating or if you're trying to keep your wife
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  interested, for Christ sake, more hobbies.
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  I mean, it's just so funny that and and people do say it to me
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  like I'm interesting. I don't know why my wife doesn't
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  think I'm interesting because like I have all these hobbies
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  that other people think are interesting, first of all, you
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  know, and let you. They think they're interesting
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  because the only people people talk about hobbies with are the
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  other people doing the hobbies. So yes, of course a fellow, you
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  know golfer thinks that golf is an interesting topic.
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  But the reason your wife may act like you're not interesting is
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  because you married a woman that confirmed the way that you
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  thought about the world, which is that you're not interesting,
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  so you're a preoccupied attachment person.
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  These are the only people that worry about being more
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  interesting, getting more hobbies, whatever, or a
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  preoccupied attachment. People who are drawn to avoidant
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  people and avoiding people find it very difficult to be close.
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  And one way that is difficult for them is to kind of express
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  enthusiasm and interest so they're not expressing
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  enthusiasm and interest and that and instead of you thinking
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  that's a them problem and not even particularly choosing them
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  to marry in the 1st place, you know you think it's a you
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  problem. So for example, like, if you had
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  more confidence, first, you, I mean so much.
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  But like, so if you had more confidence, you would just talk
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  about just shit that happened to you at work.
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  But here's the thing. I have a podcast too.
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  Why do dates find you boring? And the reason that people may
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  actually find you boring has, like, nothing to do with the
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  shit that you do during the day or don't do during the day.
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  It's that you don't ever talk about feelings.
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  You don't ever talk about what anything means to you.
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  Like, remember that scene in office space where, like he's,
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  you know, he's been hypnotized already and so he's more
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  confident. And then they ask him what do
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  you do all day? And he's like, you know, I come
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  in at, like, you know, night and that I sit there for like 45
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  minutes and I do nothing. Whatever.
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  The way that he was talking made that a funny, like, you know, a
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  compelling story. And he was talking about doing
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  nothing. And like, if you were to talk
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  about that, like, man, my job is actually terrible right now.
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  Honestly, it's extremely boring. I do nothing a great portion of
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  the time or stuff that it might as well be nothing, you know?
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  And I really don't know what I'm going to do next.
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  But I look at the ads and I, I can't really think of a next
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  direction. But, you know, this is well
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  paying. But then again, I feel stifled.
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  Even though you're not talking about anything you did during
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  the day, women would be interested in that story.
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  That's a man who's reflecting. That's a man who's thinking,
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  that's a man who's vulnerable. Cause a lot of times guys are
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  like, what does this vulnerability really look like?
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  Like women hate when you share feelings.
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  And I've dispelled that in multiple podcasts.
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  How? Like that's completely wrong.
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  But like, that's an example that has nothing to do with like,
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  feelings about relationships, but that's called vulnerability.
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  One thing, and this is going to be interesting to some of you, I
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  think, is that women hate in my, in my in therapy is a
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  preoccupied woman with an avoidant man.
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  And she said to him, did you ever think of going into a
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  different line of work? And he says no, never like.
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  And then it's like enraging to her.
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  It's like enraging to like a preoccupied person or a deeper
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  thinker or an anxious person that there could be somebody
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  who, like, literally never reflects on alternate life paths
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  because they just do whatever, you know?
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  Like they pick a path and they just never care to look back.
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  And they can't imagine being wrong.
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  They can't be wrong. So then they never even consider
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  an option, you know, a different path.
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  And some of you would be thinking, well, what's wrong
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  with somebody who likes his career?
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  It's not that. It's the idea that somebody
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  cannot even envision a different life path, 'cause they are on a
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  very deep level, so insecure that that would by by thinking
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  of an alternate path, they would basically be saying that
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  something's wrong with their current path.
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  And like, they can't even do that because it's so hard for
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  them to be vulnerable. So it's just kind of an
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  interesting example of like the most boring possible person is a
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  person who does not share any feelings, any vulnerability, any
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  ambivalence and just matters on about their hobbies and their,
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  you know what they literally did with their body.
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  You know, this is what I talk about is if if it could be shown
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  on videotape, it's not a good story.
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  You know what you have to do. And even like stories about
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  literally getting like almost eaten by a bear, there's like
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  these survivor type of stories that they do documentaries on.
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  What do they do? They interview the person in
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  between re enacting it with a bear or whatever.
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  You know, they interview the person.
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  What were you feeling right then?
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  What were you feeling? That's the interesting part.
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  That's what makes you be in in the moment, Empathize.
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  Be like in the head of somebody who's almost gotten eaten by a
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  bear. You know, if you could videotape
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  something like a hobby or like, you, you know, engaging in, you
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  know, different career or moving your body from one place to
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  another in a plane, if if you could observe that on a
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  videotape, it's not a good story.
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  It's not going to make you connect with anybody.
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  It's all the internal stuff, what you're thinking and
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  feeling, which you don't really need to do a lot of stuff in
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  order to have thoughts and feelings.
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  But if you were raised in a very emotionally neglectful home
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  where your emotions were never discussed, you should first of
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  all read the book Running on Empty by Jonice Webb.
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  JONICE Webb, Webb. And you should also think, I
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  never learned how to talk about feelings.
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  And that's something good to work on in therapy, you know, or
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  coaching or anything, because then you can really access your
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  feelings and then you can engage your partner.
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  Even if they're avoidant, they're going to be engaged more
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  in a story that has to do with your feelings then one where
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  there are no feelings to be seen.
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  Which is like it's like reading a fucking manual for your
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  microwave to listen to a story like that you know.
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  So anyway, TLDR this, hope you found this interesting overall,
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  but do not go like a mass extra hobbies or travel to different
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  places unless you really want to.
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  If you want to live your best life, truly live your best life.
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  I think everybody should live their best life down to the fact
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  that I literally, that's what I named my group practice best
• 15:41
  life, Behavioral health. I think everybody should try to
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  live their best life. We have one life on this planet.
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  It's very short. So if you want to travel, if you
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  want a hobby, whatever, cool. But if you're doing it to
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  impress somebody else, fuck that person.
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  You got to think instead about why you think that your natural
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  state is not impressive as is. And this always goes back to
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  family of origin. So I hope this was an epiphany
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  for at least some of you. And please do subscribe and I
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  will talk to y'all soon. Thanks so much guys.
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  Oh, and you will have heard this later than it actually happened.
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  But I did in February get to 1,000,000 lessons of this
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  podcast, which is awesome. So thanks so much guys.
• 16:20
  Bye. Bye.