Latest / The Beth B Shift / Narcissism, or a Bad Moment
Transcript
- Narcissism, or a Bad Moment: Welcome back to the Beth Bee Effect, where the vibe is unmuted, unafraid, and unapologetic. And today I want to have a conversation that a lot of people are having right now. But it's a conversation that a lot of people don't understand. So, like, let's be honest for a second. Everybody's calling everybody a narcissist. Like, right now, your ex is a narcissist, your boss is a narcissist, a friend that switched up on you is a narcissist. And at some point, like we have to pause and ask ourselves like, do we even know what? Like our narcissist is. Because if everything is narcissism, then nothing is. And when nothing is, we miss the opportunity to see what really matters and what a narcissist truly is. Like hear me and steer me clear. I'm not against the word narcissist. I believe that the word actually exists. I believe that there are some true narcissists in this world. And I believe that a lot of us have suffered from narcissistic abuse. I actually use it myself, but I use it with understanding, right? Because the goal is not to throw the word around. Cause if we're giving everybody the label, who's mean? Who's not? Cause everything that hurts you is is really not narcissism. And if we don't understand the difference, we're gonna keep mislabeling people and misunderstanding our experiences. So like Let's chat about why this word is everywhere. People are trying to make sense of what they're going through. They're trying to explain confusion. They're trying to explain emotional exhaustion, trying to explain why something didn't feel right, even when they couldn't prove it. So they reach for language, right? We we sometimes reach for language. And then when someone says it, we think we have an understanding of it, and it's like, Okay, narcissist is that language. It's like right now, narcissist is that language. Narcissist kind of fits the profile. But here's the problem, right? A label without understanding will keep you stuck. And you can call it whatever you want. But if you don't understand pattern, right? That's the difference. You'll keep responding the same way. So let's get into like traits versus the disorder, right? Let's slow this all the way down. Because there is where a lot of people are confused. Because there is a difference. There's a difference between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder. That difference matters more than people realize. Because traits are behaviors. I'm not saying that they're good, right? But they're behaviors. They can show up at any moment. Somebody can tick you off, somebody cut you off, you get road rage. Those behaviors, right? Sometimes they look like What narcissism is. Sometimes they look like it. They can mirror it because it's it's a trait. Like someone has the right to be selfish. Someone can want attention. Someone can fail to show up for you emotionally. But that doesn't automatically make them a narcissist. Now the disorder, that's not occasional. And that's where we need to hone, we need to hone in on those patterns because those patterns, right? The patterns of a narcissist. That is how someone constantly operates across all situations, all relationships, all the time. There's no respective person. Everybody gets it the same way. Now let's talk about what that looks like, right? The pattern. What is a pattern? When something looks the same or acts the same or moves the same way all the time. There's no change. Doesn't deviate. And when it does. There's a reason. Those patterns, constant lack of empathy, a repeated need for control. Manipulation as a pattern and not an accident, right? Not an accident. You know the difference between somebody saying, Hey buddy, you got a quarter and the s the other person who's like, Yeah, man, I left my wallet at home. And I'm not saying everyone who leaves their wallets at home, but there's a pattern with manipulation as a pattern, not an accident. The inability or refusal to take accountability. You ever talk to someone and every time you guys like piece it up or make up or get back together, they never apologize. Now I'm not saying people who don't apologize don't apologize and they're automatically a narcissist. No, we could be wrong in some situations. And in that situation, the onus is on us to take accountability. But you know who I'm talking about. You know the person that never says I'm sorry. You know the person that always finds a way to say, Well, I only did that because you did this. Or, well, what did you expect? Or you're being too sensitive. Not everyone who hurts you is a narcissist. We have to accept the fact that some people are just immature. We have to also understand the fact that some people are just emotionally unavailable. Some people did not have the capacity to meet you where you were. There are situations where something deeper is happening, but just because the behaviors look like the disorder, we have to get down to the bottom of it. We have to get to the nitty gritty and say, okay, maybe the response for that situation was because of the circumstance. That person flew off the handle because they had had enough, right? They were at their boiling point. But I'm not talking about that person. I'm talking about the tick tick boom, the temperamental one. You know, the one that everybody says, don't say nothing of that. No s don't say it 'cause you know you don't want we don't want them we don't want them. You say the wrong thing. You know, the one that's really sensitive. No pun. But that person. That that's who we who we need to kinda investigate. Get into those patterns, the patterns of certain behaviors. And when we get that understanding, we'll have a c better conclusion on how to utilize the words. Now, I'm not here to diagnose anyone. That's not what this is. But I love bringing awareness, right? That's what the Beth B Effect is all about. Bringing awareness on any topic. It could be this. Next week it'll be how to make an umbrella. But it it's an understanding. It's an awareness. And in this situation, I want to bring awareness to the fact that we have to use words correctly. So when when we encounter a narcissist, we know how to move forward. We know how. To respond, we've realized there's no way to appease love or handle a person with certain patterns. There just isn't. Again, I'm just here to help us understand patterns. And here's the danger, right? When when you misunderstand narcissism, you mishandle your decisions. You ever talk to somebody, and every time you ask them a question, they either answer the question with a question. They respond like sarcastic, cynical. And I'm not talking about a person that we would probably refer to as a jerk, right? Not that guy. Not the funny guy that's always saying something out of the way. His responses are a little humorous or dry humorous. Not that guy. I'm talking about the purse you can never get a straight answer out of. Hey, where you going? Hey, where you going? Hey, what time are you coming back? When I get ready. Hey, did you stop by so and so's house? Yeah, on my way. Wow, what's up? Nothing I just asking. What you asking for? Like you the conversation is always convoluted. It's it's it's loaded. You never get a full understanding. But then there's a time when they're really s sweet and nice, right? They're charming, less condescending, charismatic. And when you're in those situations and you misunderstand what narcissism actually looks like, you stay longer than you should. In most cases you you explain yourself more than they do. You know nothing about this person. What they do share is the truth and a lie all at the same time. So it sounds like the truth. It confuses you. You're always in a state of confusion when you speak to a person with the patterns of certain behaviors that we could link to narcissism. You're always explaining yourself, you're always trying to fix something. You're always talking to someone who refuses to respond to you. And that's the conditioning part. That's where we start to react and respond to the behaviors. You know not to say this to that guy because he's a ticking time bomb. He'll go off. And he could be something simple, he'll go off. It could look like you're minding his business or her business. He'll go off. You can say something that makes them uncomfortable or exposes vulnerability. They stop talking. And you're left to have a conversation by yourself. And when you're having that conversation, you don't get responses. So again, you're left even more confused than you were when you started. And let's be clear, I'm not talking about having a conversation with someone where I'm being antagonistic, where I'm turning the person off and forcing them into quiet mode. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about simple conversations. Hey, did you tie your shoes today? Which why? What are you asking for? And that might not even be a great example. I promise I'll come up with better. Because I have tons of them. I'm not referring to the person who doesn't have patterns. It's the patterns that makes the distinct difference. The patterns, patterns of consistent behaviors. Everyone gets them all across the board. People who have similar characteristics that could be described. Like narcissism treat their mother the same way if she says the wrong thing, their pastor the same way if she says the wrong thing, has a lack of respect for their spouse, tricks the children. There's certain patterns that this narcissist has. Be they're charming. They're always looking like the good guy. There's a mask, and in in the right situation, the mask can slip, right? It doesn't come completely off all the time. Sometimes it slips that starts the conditioning process. But we'll talk about that later. Right now we need to understand the patterns. And in other episodes to come, this is gonna be a part series, because there's no way to fully explain the behaviors in one episode. So you gotta stay tuned. Because we're definitely gonna discuss the other types of narcissists, right? But right now we want to understand the behavior of narcissism. So let me ask you something. Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you walked in feeling clear, right? You had a clear idea on what it was that you wanted to discuss. You knew what questions you wanted to ask because you want to get an understanding about what's actually going on, right? And in this conversation, you present your ideas, you present your questions, and then the mood becomes hostile. Or you decide the conversation is over because you're really not getting anywhere. And then you walk out feeling unsure of yourself. You're just as confused as you were going in, coming out. And like you knew what you meant. Like you stayed on track, but you can't you don't get anywhere. You can't get anywhere with the conversation. They either shut down or answer questions with a question. You never get the full answer you're looking for. It's not like having a conversation with a person who came prepared to talk. You said things calmly, you weren't disrespectful, but somehow the conversation shifts, right? It's like you go in and the whole thing changes. In some cases, you're not even sure why you started the conversation in the first place. Even like small talk, small jokes, little questions to kinda like change the mood, bring up the environment. And then in cases where you feel like you walked away. This is confused as you were before you started the conversation. Again, you're the sensitive one. My favorite is you're doing too much. And I'm not saying that I don't. I probably do. In some cases, I probably do do too much. But not in every case where there's a pattern and a behavior where it's easily recognized that some people don't want you to talk to them until they need you, right? Or they or they need something from you. Because where you want to have a conversation. In an environment where people have conversations, that person never wants to have a conversation. And then he can only converse with you when they want something. And you gotta watch the charm. It's the charm. It's the charisma. It's the soft face. Not the blurred eyes, like, what do you want? It's the soft face. It's the mild confusion face. It's the puppy sweet lip face. Yeah, I was I was thinking about that. Yeah, I yeah, you know, but any other time it's like. Like why are you talking to me? Gotta watch the patterns. Because pattern A says, I don't want to be bothered with you at all at any time. You're invading my space. I want my peace. Where's my peace? I just want my peace. And you talking to me even about the smallest thing is annoying. But then when I need you, right, pattern B or C is let me turn it hard face off because I wanna come clear that I'm waving a white flag. I'm I mean peace. I'm coming in with in peace. But only because I want something. And in those cases, in that space, you're like, wait, what just happened? In some cases, it turns into an argument and you can't get a word in. In other cases, it turns into they're not talking anymore. So let me say this plainly. It's not just communic it's not just miscommunication. Miscommunication can sometimes look like this person's talking, that person's talking, no one's listening, right? No one's listening. Because everybody wants to get the word out. That's one thing. There could be other situations where someone's talking, right? But they're not prepared to listen. So I'm quiet. You're talking, but I'm geared to respond. I'm not prepared to listen to what you have to say. I'm geared to respond. And in that case, the last couple of words, I'm taking that in, and that's what I'm gonna fire back with. I'm not talking about that either. I'm talking about the person who Precludes you, stops you from speaking in their environment. Because their s responses to your simple good, bad, or indifferent questions condition you so that you know not to ever bother them again. not to talk until they're ready to speak. You know not to interrupt them while they're watching TV. You know not to interrupt them while they're on their cell phones playing a game. You know. Not to interrupt them or wake them up from their sleep. The house couldn't be on fire. And in that moment, you wake them up so that they can survive. And it'll be, why'd you wake me up? It'll take the burning flames for them to go, what happened? That's another episode too. But the patterns, if those behaviors happen every time, patterns, things that happen consistently the same way all the time. No deviation. None whatsoever. Same exact thing every time. And when that becomes a pattern, that's something we need to pay attention to. Because over time, that kind of interaction doesn't just confuse you. It reshapes how you respond. It sh reshapes you. You walk away with cloudy thoughts. In some cases you start thinking, why why am I even gonna bother having that conversation? I know where this is gonna go. But you're never clear. You never get the responses you're looking for. You're always confused in every Situation. It reshapes you. It forces you to become a different version of yourself because now you have to figure out when to talk, when not to talk, when to allow yourself to be exposed to the behaviors where you're not easily manipulated. See the charismatic facial expressions, see the charismatic smile, see the soft tone of voice. It's usually accompanied with, I need something. They don't like to ask. They like you to offer. If you're an empath, you're always offering. They love that. Cause that's the alley where they send that ball down and hit every pin that says, I'm soft, I love, I care. But here's the shift, right? Instead of like asking what's wrong with them, right? I want you to start asking, what pattern am I dealing with? Now I'm not telling anybody to go around and look at people and go, You're a narcissist, or You have patterns. I'm not saying that either. But I am saying pay attention. Cause it can be anyone. And once you see the pattern, you can't unsee the pattern, but then you stop taking everything personally, right? You realize you don't really know the person that that you're talking to. But when you notice these patterns, you stop over explaining. You stop spilling your guts. You stop telling everything. You stop explaining why you said something. You stop explaining why you didn't say something. You stop explaining why you didn't do something. You stop overextending your hand, you realize you're not getting anything from this person in return. They don't give anything. And if you're the supply, they take everything. And even when you can't manage it anymore and you have nothing else to give, they'll watch you crumble. That's just their nature. You even stop trying to force clarity, especially in situations that benefit from confusion. I'm gonna repeat that, and I want you to hear that, right? You'll stop. Trying to force clarity in situations that benefit from confusion. And that shift, that shift right there, that changes everything. Let's go a step further. Closure is not always something you get. Sometimes closure is what you accept because some people are not interested in understanding you. They are interested though in maintaining control of the narrative. They want to control everything, how you think. How you respond, how you react to them, what they can use their words and behaviors that will make you think maybe I should do that, that'll make them happy, or maybe I should do this. I did that last time. I'm gonna tweak it a little bit. Maybe I should do this and that. The next thing you know, you ever seen a bike on a front wheel and the back wheel is just spinning and the person's going nowhere because there's no traction. That's what serving up narcissism looks like. You're spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning. By the time you realize sometimes you're tired, you're all spent out, confused, you have no idea what to think, how to speak, what to wear, how to look, who to talk to. If you're loved, it can be a roller coaster. And people who want to control the narrative, they control the narrative from the beginning to the end. Every person involved. You like football? I like football. I'm not gonna tell you my team no. But I like football. If you needed to rig a game, I'm not saying games are rigged, but if you needed to rig a game, where would it start? Would you start with the players? Would you start with the coach? How about the referee? Or maybe the owner? Hmm. How about everybody? How about everybody? Especially if there's something to benefit from. Let that sink in. Remember, this podcast is for educational and personal insight purposes only. I am not diagnosing anyone. And if you need professional support, right? Or if you feel like some of these patterns have changed your behavior. Right, then maybe another conversation needs to be had with a professional. This episode is not about labeling people. It's not about pointing fingers. It's understanding the difference between the behaviors. A person can have behaviors, traits even, that look like narcissism. They have behaviors that look like someone we would refer to as mean, cold, distant. But that person Has a side of them that's loving and caring, but genuine. It's not for sale. It's not an exchange. It's not transactional. It's not a quid pro quo. They were mean for a moment and now they're back to being lovey-dovey. They're back to their regularly scheduled behaviors. I'm not talking about that person because that person can sometimes look like a narcissist. But a narcissist is always the same. They never change. Patterns are the same. Patterns do not change. The manipulation leaves you estranged from yourself. And to get this understanding, I feel like over the next couple of episodes, we're gonna break this down in layers. I love to break it down, right? I like to get to the bottom of it. We're gonna talk about the overt narcissist. You know, the obvious one, the one everybody's like, Yeah, you I don't even bother. The covert narcissist, the confusing one. In my favorite the communal narcissists, the one that looks good. You know, the one that looks like it it won't hurt you. And you don't know they have until it's too late. And as we go through this, my goal is not to tell you what to believe. Like I'm not here to tell you what to think. I'm here to share perspective. My goal is to help you see clearly or clear art. So I want you to sit with this question. Have you ever questioned yourself more than you've questioned the person who's hurting you? You weren't confused because you were weak. You were confused because something wasn't clear on purpose. So again, we're not rushing to label anything. We're learning. We're observing. We're paying attention. Next episode, we're gonna talk about the overt narcissists. You know, the loud one. The obvious one. The one you spot real quick. This has been the Bethby effect, where healing gets real and the truth doesn't stay quiet. And until next time, stay grounded.