Latest / Libido Lounge / Why Did Our Sex Life Stop? How Couples Get It Back with Dr. Holly Richmond

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Why Did Our Sex Life Stop? How Couples Get It Back with Dr. Holly Richmond · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Almost everybody has great sex for six months to eighteen months, the beginning of a
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  relationship, and then life happens and they stop talking about sex.
• 0:08
  No couple is perfectly matched.
• 0:10
  That is such a myth.
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  So how I describe it is the shit sandwich.
• 0:14
  If it's just this moment where we feel physically connected, but then one of us is
• 0:19
  feeling emotionally left afterwards.
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  There's so many different types of orgasm.
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  A woman in her mid forties, early fifties will come to me and say, I can't have an orgasm
• 0:30
  anymore or my orgasm isn't like what it used to be.
• 0:33
  Novelty is really the seat of human desire.
• 0:36
  We know when we're more turned on our orgasms are going to be stronger.
• 0:44
  Hey, we are back.
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  This is Doctor.
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  Diana on the Libido Lounge, your board certified sexologist, and I am so excited to
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  have Doctor.
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  Holly Richmond back with me.
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  If you missed last week's episode, make sure you go tune into that.
• 0:57
  We talked about different types of desire, we talked about small little micro traumas of the
• 1:03
  past and how they influence our current relationship as well as some starting steps you
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  can do to get out and heal from those micro traumas and get back into your body to enjoy
• 1:13
  your intimate life and so much more.
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  And as we talked about last time, doctor doctor Holly is a author of the book Reclaiming
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  Pleasure, a sex positive guide for moving past sexual trauma and living a passionate life.
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  She's a psychotherapist, a certified sex therapist, and so many more things.
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  So thank you again, doctor Holly, for being with us.
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  Amazing.
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  Our conversations are so much fun, thank you.
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  They are, they are, and let's talk about this thing about newlyweds and newlyweds syndrome
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  because I know one of the testimonials on your webpage is a couple who feels like they were
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  newlyweds again after working with you, and I'm sure you have many examples similar to this
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  testimonial.
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  So what do you find in your work when and when couples do the work and they actually get their
• 2:00
  spark back, what is deeper than that that actually is truly shifting in the in the
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  relationship?
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  My gosh.
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  I'm gonna say this, and it's so trite, but it's so true.
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  Diane, what's happening most of the time is they're talking about sex.
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  Like, so when they were newlyweds, they had great sex because limerence, because almost
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  everybody has great sex for six months to eighteen months at the beginning of a
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  relationship, and then life happens and they stop talking about sex.
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  So truly my job is to help them talk about sex.
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  And I'm just gonna launch into like four things that I talk about that healthy couples do.
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  The first one is active appreciations daily.
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  It's amazing how couples stop saying thank you or appreciating each other, and they're just
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  like roommates and functioning.
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  The second is giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
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  So most of the time when we have ruptures or miscommunication, it's not malicious, it's just
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  about misattunement.
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  The third thing is affectionate touch without the expectation of sex.
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  This is a huge female libido healer, sometimes a huge male libido healer, and the fourth thing
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  that healthy couples do is they talk about sex.
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  And do you have any insight?
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  Because I I know so many people when it comes to talking about sex, especially when it hasn't
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  been done, like you said, oftentimes since like six to eighteen months early in the
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  relationship and sometimes even, you know, never.
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  Sometimes people never really talk about it other than like, that was great, was it good
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  for you kind of thing.
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  Right?
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  So I know there's a level where some couples will will feel like, you know, really awkward
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  about this, or feel awkward about talking about this, or feel awkward about flirting.
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  Sometimes it doesn't go well, sometimes egos can get hurt.
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  So do you have any advice for people that have not talked about sex ever or not talked about
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  sex in a long time about how to start talking about it again.
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  Yes.
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  So first of all, and I wanted to say in my work with couples, we are going to go slow.
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  So we're not gonna jump straight into talking about sex.
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  We're gonna jump into talking about wanting.
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  We're going to talk about feeling pulled, accepted, wanting more.
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  But the thing that came to mind when you asked that question, card decks can be a great way to
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  go just to get conversations going, and one of my favorite is my friend and colleague, doctor
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  Natasha Miller from Wunderlust.
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  She has this beautiful card deck with some, like, kind of vanilla questions up to more racy
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  questions.
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  But overall, big point, don't jump straight into talking about your biggest fantasies or
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  desires.
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  That that is going to end up in a rupture.
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  So you gotta start with like what makes me want, or what makes me feel wanted.
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  What about the concept of aftercare?
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  Because I know this is something you talk about in your work and sometimes that my
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  understanding of some of your work is that that sometimes you feel this is the most important
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  part of sex, so correct me if I'm wrong there, But if I'm correct, tell...
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  Talk to us a little bit about what this is exactly, how do you define it, and why it's so
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  important, why does it matter for couples and their connection?
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  Yeah.
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  So aftercare is really intimacy and empathy.
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  So intimacy as an into me see.
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  So if a couple has sex and then it doesn't get talked about, there's no appreciations, there's
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  no sharing, there's no, like, what did I like?
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  What would I want more of?
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  I want you to see this part of me.
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  It feels like this one off moment, and then Diane, what happens is the lower desire
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  partner, like, what's the draw there?
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  Why would he want to have sex?
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  Why would she want to to have sex if it's just this moment where we feel physically connected,
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  but then one of us is feeling emotionally left afterwards.
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  So keeping that conversation going, the aftercare is usually conversation, some kind of
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  affectionate touch, again without the expectation of sex because that's already
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  happened, might be something physical.
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  It would mean the world to me if you brought me a cup of tea, a glass of wine right now.
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  I would love to go for a walk around the neighborhood with you.
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  Can we keep this feeling of connection going so it's not just like I only get to feel connected
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  when we're having sex?
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  That's what I mean by aftercare.
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  That that system is going to fail fairly quickly.
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  So what do you feel from a standpoint of say making requests or asking for things to be
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  different or bringing up you know needs or preferences or things that we want to have
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  different in our intimacy life, when and how do you feel like are the most important times and
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  places to bring those kind of conversations up versus like building somebody up around like
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  these are the things that you know we love, we want more of, How do we really strike that
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  balance in our communication around intimacy?
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  Yeah.
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  They should be in the same conversation, and most of the time not during sex.
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  You can communicate that way during sex, but that's like down the road.
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  I want you to get the foundational communication squared first.
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  So how I describe it is the shit sandwich.
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  So you're gonna start with honey.
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  So that's an ex...
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  Appreciation or something you're loving about your sex life, and then the middle is the shit,
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  and you're going to say, and I would love this more, or that didn't go so great for me last
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  time.
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  It hurt my feelings when you did this, and then the honey again.
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  And I know you weren't trying to hurt me, but I think there's some miscommunication around
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  that.
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  I would love to...
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  For you to work on it with me.
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  Thank you for being so present in this conversation.
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  Perfect.
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  And then talk to us a little bit about orgasm types, like blended orgasms are I know one
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  thing that you talk about, and do you find that like from a standpoint of orgasm, like how
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  important is quality of the orgasm?
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  How important are these different types of orgasm?
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  Can you talk to us a little bit about orgasm and and the importance of it?
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  Yeah.
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  And this continues to excite me and make me think differently about orgasm the years and
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  years I do this.
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  For some people, their orgasm is really important.
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  For some people, they want to experiment and experience every type of orgasm there is to
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  have.
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  And for other people, they're like, if I'm having one, that's great.
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  And for most sex therapists, we're leaning on if you're having one, it's great because we
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  want to get...
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  We wanna be grounded in presence and not performance, but I also don't want to
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  pathologize people who are like, man, I want to experience it all and try all of this.
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  So it really begins with research and certainly a therapist's gonna help, but just like a deep
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  dive into searching and learning the techniques for what can be included with a blended orgasm.
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  So whether that's nipple stimulation and clitoral, whether it's cervical and clitoral, I
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  mean, there's so many prostate, there's so many different types of orgasm.
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  But again, if you're having one, you're not doing it wrong.
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  So I don't want people out there to hear, oh my god, I only think I've had a clitoral.
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  I must, you know, be missing something huge in the world.
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  If you want it, great.
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  We can explore that.
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  If you're happy with the type of orgasm you have, that needs to be fine as well.
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  Yeah.
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  I love it.
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  It's so positive.
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  And and one of my favorite helpful tools, and there's again so many things out there, but one
• 9:28
  of my favorite helpful tools are our penis and vulva pumps just because their capacity to
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  bring more blood flow and actually heal the tissue, improve lubrication and improve
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  performance in men.
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  And we know for men that blood flow is so important for healthy erections and
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  performance, but I find that it's just not talked about in the same way, the importance of
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  blood flow to the female tissue, to the vulva, to the clitoris, to the vagina and to the
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  cervix that these areas also need proper blood flow in order to feel pleasure.
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  So with age oftentimes as well as for a lot of other health reasons, this declines and the
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  pumps which are basically there's the male penile version as well the female clitoris and
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  vulva version that are essentially sit with this vacuum pressurizer and the vacuum causes
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  this suction action which has really been shown for men to improve performance, to improve any
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  sort of anxiety about performance in the bedroom, and for women it's been really shown
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  to help with pleasure, with reducing any sort of numbness or lack of feeling and sensation,
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  improving dryness, and so many more.
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  So I think it's such a great way of starting to just expand our orgasmic capacity because when
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  we bring more blood to the tissue, we can really do that.
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  Now, I want to talk a little bit about age.
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  Right?
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  Because you've written about how sex drive changes across a woman's life.
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  What do you wish that most that men and women would know about their desire through age,
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  through, you know, changes in age?
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  What what are we not aware of?
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  I just want to take a quick break to say one of the number one things that leads to a lack or
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  just a slowing of passion in the relationship is thinking that our partner's body and mind
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  and spirit is going to be the same today as tomorrow.
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  So one of the things that happens for so many bodies especially for female bodies is that
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  with time, the pleasure needs change.
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  And we get into those sexual scripts and those habits of doing the same thing over and over
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  and over again, not always realizing that our pleasure body is wanting something else.
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  This creates a lack of passion, a desire, a lack of orgasm, and it's one of the reasons why
• 11:55
  bedrooms can start to get quieter.
• 11:59
  I talk about how to fix this and so much more walking you through a step by step guide for an
• 12:07
  entire year if you want on how to improve your pleasure life.
• 12:11
  Start with the free trial, stay for a month, stay for the year, make it yours.
• 12:17
  You'll see all of this and more and how to get started in the show notes below this video.
• 12:22
  I hope you will join me in my Hot Monogamy Society.
• 12:26
  Now let's get back to our episode.
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  Yeah.
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  So I think there's still a lack of conversations about how much of a driver
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  hormones are, how supportive hormone health is to our sex drive.
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  But then, Diana, as you said earlier, sensitivity decreases.
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  And I think that is still not enough of a conversation.
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  So a woman in her mid forties, early fifties will come to me and say, I can't have an orgasm
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  anymore, or my orgasm isn't like what it used to be.
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  And that is normal.
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  There is nothing wrong about her.
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  There is nothing broken with her.
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  We just need some more tools and tricks to help her get that blood flow going.
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  And yes, we know when we're more turned on, our orgasms are going to be stronger.
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  And the same thing is true for a man.
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  So his sensitivity decreases as well.
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  His erections might not feel quite as strong as he ages.
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  This is not a process of brokenness.
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  This is the normal aging process, and there's so much that we can do to support it.
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  The first of which is to stay present, try to stay out of performance, and have some
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  acceptance around where we are.
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  And I don't mean that to feel demoralizing at all, but when you're fighting against a system
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  and you want your penis to do the thing, like you're working against yourself.
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  And I know we talked a little bit about mismatched desire on our other...
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  On our first episode.
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  Is there anything else that you wanna make sure we say around mismatched desire as far as
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  getting back on the same page and working with that?
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  Anything else that you find that couples do wrong by maybe focusing on it as a problem to
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  fix instead of you know, looking at it as something to work with to bring closer to, you
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  know, back...
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  Them closer back together?
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  Like how can we change the frame of mind so that when we go into working on this, we're
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  we're looking at this as something not being broken.
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  Right.
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  So we need to shift the focus from the past, like the broken thing, into the present and the
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  future, move towards healing, move towards building.
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  And what we know is novelty is really the seat of human desire.
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  So the more novelty I can bring into that couple, whether they've been together for two
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  years or forty years, how do we rediscover each other?
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  And yes, it's doing new things, but it's also showing our partner something new about
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  ourselves.
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  And it's a really exciting one we can do that both emotionally, physically, and then that
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  sexual part.
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  So yeah, moving towards novelty, all couples go through phases of being up and down in their
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  libido.
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  It's not supposed to go like that.
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  We can't be in limerence forever.
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  We would literally burn out as human beings if we were trying to cultivate that feeling of
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  glimmerance all the time.
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  So I think again, coming into some acceptance around what being in a long term relationship
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  feels like, and what it takes to really cultivate that co created desire is critical
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  here.
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  What about the concepts and the practice of orgasmic meditation?
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  And I know this has been something that there's been a lot of controversy in the sex space on.
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  So my understanding is that you've weighed in on this a little bit, so I'm curious around
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  what your opinion is on orgasmic meditation about slowing sex down, you know, what's real,
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  what's not.
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  Can you tell us a little bit about what that means in your words as well as your opinions on
• 16:02
  it and if this is a useful tool or not?
• 16:04
  It absolutely is and I do it in my couples eroticism retreats all of the time.
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  I don't call it orgasmic meditation because that that organization had some trouble.
• 16:17
  Let's leave it there and of course, we want everything to be consensual and pleasurable.
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  So I call it meditate...
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  Meditation with orgasmic intention and it's very tantric based.
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  And really the root of tantra, meaning the weave, is presence.
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  Can I be with my sexual energy?
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  Can I be with my sexual power?
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  Can I be with my sexual shadow?
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  Can we talk about fantasy?
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  Can we bring in and name my trauma the the macro, the micro if we need to talk about that?
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  But it's really...
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  Tantra is about slowing things down.
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  There's a lot of eye gazing with Tantra.
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  There's a lot of intentional touch.
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  And in my retreats, we practice that touch non genitally in the retreat space, and then at
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  night, I give homework to go and do that more genitally based, and that's what I would do
• 17:12
  with my couples just in general as well when I'm working on Zoom.
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  If my final question for you is if there is a general thing, and it...
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  And this is a very tricky question because we're talking to so many people with, you know,
• 17:26
  different histories and different traumas and different places in their own personal life, in
• 17:31
  their partnership, but if a listener on average could try one thing with their partner this
• 17:38
  week, what do you think that would be?
• 17:40
  I would like them to ask a question and be prepared to ask answer a question.
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  And the question is, tell me something I don't know about who you are as a sexual being right
• 17:53
  now.
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  I love that question.
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  Love love love that question.
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  I encourage everybody to you know, do this, set some time aside when you can do this in a non
• 18:03
  rushed way, glass of wine, cup of tea, where you can really sit and be present with your
• 18:08
  partner and please please please do that actionable step.
• 18:12
  Is there anything else that I haven't asked you today that you wanna make sure we say?
• 18:17
  My goodness.
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  You've asked a ton of amazing questions.
• 18:20
  I don't think so except just for your listeners out there to please remember not to pathologize
• 18:27
  the lower desire partner nor pathologize the higher desire partner because both of these are
• 18:32
  such common constructs.
• 18:34
  And again, no couple is perfectly matched.
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  That is such a myth.
• 18:38
  So there's always going to be a little bit of an imbalance and communication and strategies
• 18:43
  working to find that map together is really the way to go.
• 18:47
  Amazing.
• 18:48
  And tell us how to get ahold of you and how to get your book.
• 18:51
  Yeah.
• 18:52
  So my book, Reclaiming Pleasure, is available on Amazon or where any books are sold.
• 18:58
  You can find me through my website, doctor holly richmond .com, and on Instagram at at
• 19:04
  doctor holly richmond, and those are all d r h o l l y r I c h m o n d.
• 19:10
  Perfect.
• 19:11
  And we will have those links as always in the show notes.
• 19:14
  Please make sure you go back and listen to part one if you have not yet.
• 19:18
  And if you have not subscribed, make sure you do.
• 19:21
  Our guest next week is bringing us a foolproof secret to communication that no one teaches.
• 19:28
  So we're gonna get that and more from her next week.
• 19:31
  Thank you again all for listening.
• 19:33
  Thank you Doctor.
• 19:33
  Holly for your time today.
• 19:35
  It has been a pleasure to have all of you on the lounge and we'll see you all again soon.
• 19:42
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 19:44
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 19:46
  Please share this with your friends.
• 19:47
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.