Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 310. Blended Families, Bitter Ex's & A Bridge Noone's Built - What's Next??

Transcript

310. Blended Families, Bitter Ex's & A Bridge Noone's Built - What's Next?? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I need your advice.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Are you okay?
• 0:12
  Speaker 3: What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much?
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: Welcome to our bestie segment.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: This is the place for you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: Hello, everybody.
• 0:27
  Speaker 4: Welcome back to She Rises. If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:30
  Speaker 4: If you're an OG listener, welcome back. We've got another
• 0:32
  Speaker 4: bestie episode. One of you have submitted your anonymous submission
• 0:35
  Speaker 4: about a sticky situation, so let's get straight into it.
• 0:38
  Speaker 4: The title is called Blended Families, Bitter Exes, and A
• 0:41
  Speaker 4: Bridge No One's Built.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: What's next?
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: Tiana, what have we got?
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: Let's go. Hi, girls.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: I've been with my husband for four years. We both
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: have kids from previous marriages, five kids in total under 10.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Wow. Busy house.
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: My question is, his kids spend half of their time
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: with us at our place and the other half with
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: their mum. I have no contact with their mum and
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: wonder if this is normal. Should I be the one
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: to reach out and try to connect with the kids?
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: I don't want to overstep, but I would also like
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: to know who is around my kids if the situation
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: was reversed? My husband and his ex-wife don't have a
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: good relationship, but would love some advice.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: On what to do, please.
• 1:14
  Speaker 4: Oh, I mean, both of us had never been in
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: this situation before. I mean, my initial thoughts is like,
• 1:20
  Speaker 4: I think the more that adults can get along, the
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: better for the children. And even if your husband doesn't
• 1:24
  Speaker 4: get along with her, they obviously have a lot of history.
• 1:27
  Speaker 4: If you could have a nice relationship with her or
• 1:29
  Speaker 4: a civil relationship with her, I think it's only going
• 1:31
  Speaker 4: to benefit the children and help communication more smooth within
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: the co-parenting dynamic. So if you haven't reached out, I
• 1:37
  Speaker 4: would assume if I was in that situation, I would
• 1:39
  Speaker 4: want to try to have some sort of connection for
• 1:42
  Speaker 4: the sake of the children.
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: And I actually see women online that like hang out,
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: the ex and the.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: Oh, yes.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: I think that's so beautiful.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: They co-parent really well.
• 1:50
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: I think so too.
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: I think, you know, obviously if they don't have a
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: good relationship, that's probably a given. Sometimes there is a
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: little bit of like a bit of murkiness like between ex-partners,
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: you know, and it gets messy sometimes.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: History.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: But like you get to choose how you show up
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: in this situation. And I think like effort from you,
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: like whether received or not, at least you've tried.
• 2:07
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: And I think that's something that you can look at
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: yourself at the end of the day and go, wow,
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: I'm really proud of myself for the way I handled that.
• 2:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: I think that's all that really matters.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: We always talk about this.
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: It's just like keeping your lane clean and showing up
• 2:17
  Speaker 4: in a way that you're proud of when you put
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: your head on the pillow at night.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Like I'm really proud that I've showed up like that.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: I've tried.
• 2:22
  Speaker 4: I've put the effort in and you never know. You
• 2:25
  Speaker 4: guys might have a beautiful relationship and it might even
• 2:27
  Speaker 4: ease the burden off your partner. Yeah. having to try
• 2:30
  Speaker 4: to make that work because we don't know context. Say
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: she's cheated on him and he's butthurt and like, still
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: got trauma around that. He wants nothing to do with her. Valid.
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: There's a lot of history there and a lot of
• 2:39
  Speaker 4: hurt there. So it might make things feel easier for
• 2:42
  Speaker 4: him if you could do some of the communication.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: That's the way you contribute.
• 2:45
  Speaker 4: So I think, why not if you haven't tried? If
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: he's okay with it too, it's a conversation you've got
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: to have with him as well.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: I would agree.
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: But also as well, we talk about this all the
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: time on the podcast, how we always wait for other
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: people to go first. She might be holding back because
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: she's like, well, she hasn't reached out.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: She hasn't done this. Maybe she doesn't want to talk
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: to me. She doesn't want to talk to me.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: So it's like, if you can put the olive branch
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: out and be like, okay, let me reach for her.
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: Even if she's not receptive, that's totally fine. It might
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: take her some time to be able to reach out.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: She's going to have her own triggers come up as
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: you're the new partner. You're also spending time with her children.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: There's going to be so many things that come up
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: for her. But so long as you are open and
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: willing and like kind of receptive on that sense, like
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: I can't see why it can't be amicable.
• 3:23
  Speaker 4: Yeah. And I've seen with friends that have gone through
• 3:25
  Speaker 4: divorce and there's split blended families that If the parents
• 3:29
  Speaker 4: can coexist together, birthdays and stuff, you really see how
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: lit up the kids are when mom and dad can
• 3:34
  Speaker 4: be in the same room and they can all celebrate together.
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: I think it's a lot for kids to process to
• 3:38
  Speaker 4: go through a breakup and to do things separately in
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: two different houses and two different sets of rules and
• 3:41
  Speaker 4: these new people coming to their lives. I think the
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: more you can come together, the better it would be.
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: But like I said, I have not been in your situation.
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: I can imagine it is. And what I've heard from
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: friends going through a divorce with children is horrific when
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: it comes to money and splitting things and time and
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: trying to agree on things and Child support and there's
• 3:59
  Speaker 4: so many layers to figure out and you can just,
• 4:00
  Speaker 4: you can see how it gets so messy and emotions
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: are so high and there's someone moves on before the
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: other person. Like it's just, it sounds really, really hard.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: But you see it as well. Like there are people
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: who do it who are good evidence of that. So,
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: you know, there's only one person who's a piece of evidence.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: Amazing.
• 4:14
  Speaker 4: I really just think you need to go for it
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: and give it a go if your partner is okay
• 4:18
  Speaker 4: with that and lead by example for the kids. They
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: watch you communicate beautifully and you guys be able to
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: coexist like that.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: How nice for them.
• 4:25
  Speaker 4: And I think the kids are the ones that we
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: really need to think about in these situations because they
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: didn't choose any of this. Yes.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: They don't deserve to feel the weight of the split.
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah. And any arguing or energy because they're just pure
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: little humans, you know. They're just meant to play and
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: be happy and, you know, be loved by everyone.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: And all you can do is trial and error. That's it.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Might work, might not.
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: You might try again.
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: You might try a hundred times and it's still not received.
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: I think.
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: Sometimes it takes people a little bit of time, but yeah, again,
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: just trial and error and be willing to try.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Be willing to fail.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: All you can do, if you reach out and you're
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: kind to somebody and they just don't receive it, that's
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: the worst that's going to happen.
• 4:58
  Speaker 4: Amazing.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: So tricky though.
• 5:00
  Speaker 4: I always think in this situation, for example, how hard
• 5:03
  Speaker 4: it would be. I can just imagine if I went
• 5:05
  Speaker 4: through a divorce, there was another woman that was taking
• 5:08
  Speaker 4: care of my children. You'd hope she was nice and
• 5:10
  Speaker 4: all the things, but still like, I want to spend
• 5:12
  Speaker 4: that time with my kids. Selfishly, No, that sounds awful.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Or does it? I don't know.
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: No, I think that's valid. Why do you get to
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: look after my kids? They're my kids, but obviously they
• 5:20
  Speaker 4: need to be with their dad.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 5:21
  Speaker 4: But I think personally, I would really struggle to have
• 5:25
  Speaker 4: another woman come in and like parent my children.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: Do you think that you would feel better though, if
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: it was someone that you actually got along with, it
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: would be easy to deal with those triggers as opposed
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: to somebody who was like bratty or rude or turned
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: her nose up.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: You'd be like even more triggered, I feel.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 5:37
  Speaker 4: And you just kind of hope that you have some
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: kind of shared aligned values of how to parent and
• 5:42
  Speaker 4: how to discipline and How to even, like I've got
• 5:44
  Speaker 4: a girlfriend and she's gone through that and just like
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: what the kids eat at dad's house and mom's house.
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: And she used to get really triggered by it. Now
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: she's like, I can't, I can't get triggered by it
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: because it's like, I have to let go. I'm not
• 5:53
  Speaker 4: in control of what they eat 24 seven anymore.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Gosh, that would be hard.
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: I know. I would struggle with that. It was like
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: little things like that, that she's had to just like
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: drop and surrender to. And I think what I'm trying
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: to say is just, I have a lot of compassion
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: for what you're going through and also what the mom's
• 6:06
  Speaker 4: going through and your partner. It's just heavy to hold.
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: So just do the best that you can. Show up
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: in a way that you're proud of. Show the kids
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: that you can be respectful and kind and just make sure, yeah,
• 6:16
  Speaker 4: you're doing the best you can.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: And stay neutral with it too. If she reacts a
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: certain way, stay neutral. Yeah, try not to react. If
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: he reacts a certain way, like try not to involve it.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Try not to absorb it.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: Their previous challenges as your own. Because whilst I know
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: you will, because you're also his partner, it's really easy
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: to do that. But if you can stay like as
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: neutral as possible, you can in this situation, it will
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: just help you to make sure that you're not emotionally
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: reacting when things do happen as well.
• 6:38
  Speaker 4: If she's listening to this, she's like, oh gosh, I
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: don't even know how to reach out. What's something that
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: you could advise her to like put the olive branch
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: out there to like introduce?
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: What do you think she should say?
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: Two things pop into my mind as soon as you
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: said that. It could simply just be like something about
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: the children. Oh, hey, by the way, like, one of
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: the children is going through this. I wanted to get
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: your opinion on this.
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's nice.
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: Or if you want to make it like a bold statement,
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: like you can be like, hey, I just thought I'd
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: reach out. I know it's been this amount of time,
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: but like, you know, obviously we share custody of the
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: children and I would love to be able to work
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: with you on like being a good team for the children. Like,
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: would you be open to working through this with me?
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: I like the mix of both of those.
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Like asking for her opinion because then she's going
• 7:17
  Speaker 4: to be like, oh, she cares about how I parent.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: It's like, hey, noticed something. Let's say it's Chloe, Dave,
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: whatever the kid's name is.
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: Chloe.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: I don't know why that name's coming to me.
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: Dave.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: Dave. It's a dad name. God, that's an old dad name.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: Some people do. Jane Doe. But like, hey, she's going
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: through this.
• 7:35
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I'd really love to hear how you're navigating that
• 7:37
  Speaker 4: so I can make sure that I'm doing the same
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: in our house.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: I think that's great.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: Or like, hey, they've got soccer practice. Like, did you
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: both want to go and watch them together? No.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: I love that. And like you drip feed things in
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: like little. Yeah. I like the opinion one that you
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: said as well.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: That was, you said that.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: That was good.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah. Take credit.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: We both contributed.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: We both contributed.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Like just, yeah. Opinion on parenting.
• 7:58
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: You said that specifically. And I was like, oh, that's
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: so cool. Because then like what you said, she would
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: feel valued in her parenting role.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: And as a mom.
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah. if I were in that position, I would feel
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: so appreciative that someone was caring enough about the way
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: that I parent.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: That she wanted to instill it too.
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: I'm like, that to me is like ultimate respect because
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: it's all you can hope for in your situation. Yeah.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: I think that's a really nice way to go about it. Hey, yeah.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: I hope that helps. Just want to give an example.
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: So even if you're listening to this and you're like, okay,
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: but I still don't know what to do with that.
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: Now you can like maybe, yeah, just reach out and
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: ask that question or get her advice on something or
• 8:30
  Speaker 4: did you want to do this together with the kids?
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: I think it'd be really nice for the kids to
• 8:33
  Speaker 4: see us together. Or could we do that together next time?
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: Because I think Chloe would really love us to hang out. Yeah.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: And it could just be like an hour.
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: You're meeting, you're catching up.
• 8:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: You know, the kids still there as a bit of
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: a buffer.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: But I think that would be really beautiful. I'm excited
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: to hear. Let us know.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Give us a follow-up message in Bestie.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: That'd be awesome.
• 8:49
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Bye.
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: Bye.