Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / There Will Always a Reason to Put Yourself Off | EP 338

Transcript

There Will Always a Reason to Put Yourself Off | EP 338 · Confident and Empowered Women

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  There will always be a reason to put yourself off.
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  And listen, some of the reasons, they're really good, responsible reasons, logical even.
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  Reasons that would hold up beautifully in a PowerPoint presentation with supporting documentation.
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  But friend, if there's always a good reason why you have to wait, at some point we gotta ask, when exactly do you get your turn?
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  Okay?
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  Because you can spend years waiting for life to finally become convenient enough for you to enjoy it, and spoiler alert, life ain't exactly known for convenience.
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  sometimes loving yourself looks like deciding I may not be able to do everything I wanna do right now, but I refuse to keep making myself the thing that has to wait.
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  So let's get into it And before we keep going, make sure you're following the show because if you like a little laughter with your life-changing conversations, you like talking about loving yourself, trusting yourself, choosing yourself, and building a
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  life that actually feels like yours, come on in.
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  You are absolutely in the right place Hey, hey, hey, friend.
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  Now listen, some of us who shall remain nameless have gotten extremely good at waiting, and I don't mean just waiting patiently, I mean waiting on ourselves because somehow everybody else got a reservation, and we're standing outside of our
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  own restaurant hoping somebody cancels.
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  Absolutely not, friend.
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  Get inside.
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  Your table is ready It's so easy to put yourself off, and what's tricky about it is most of the time it doesn't even look like neglect.
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  It looks like responsibility.
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  It looks like you waiting for things to calm down, to wait for somebody to be able to go with you, to start when you actually have more money, or just buy it later.
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  Or maybe you just feel like you can take the trip next year, reset after you finish this one thing, Or you'll get serious once you know that everybody else is okay, or you'll make the change when the timing
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  makes more sense.
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  And listen, some of that is just life, and I'm not gonna sit here and tell you to skip your mortgage payment and head to Santorini all in the name of self-love, okay?
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  Please keep your utilities connected, okay?
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  Because we like lights, running water, all of it.
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  I'm a big fan.
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  There may be times when you genuinely don't have the money or the bandwidth.
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  There are gonna be reasons when someone you love needs more from you.
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  You can even have responsibilities that actually really do need your attention.
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  There are moments when waiting is wise.
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  But there's a difference between waiting because something matters and developing a lifestyle where you are always the easiest thing to postpone, and that's what I want us to pay attention to because one reason just becomes another, then another,
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  and another, and a sister and a brother.
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  If you know, you know.
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  And listen, every single one of them can sound perfectly reasonable.
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  But five years later, you've got a whole stack of reasonable explanations for why you haven't really been participating in your own life, okay?
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  And let me take you back to my single season because it wasn't some cute little I'm dating and having fun type single.
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  Baby, we were in a drought.
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  The land was dry, and there was no precipitation in the forecast, okay?
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  The Weather Channel said, "Don't even ask."
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  and for a long time, okay, I had this picture in my head of the life that I wanted.
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  And yes, that picture included love.
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  It included having my man, my man, my man beside me.
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  Us going places together, the cute weekend getaways, the experiences, dinner, travel, all of the little beautiful pieces of doing life with somebody you love.
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  I really wanted that, and there was nothing wrong with wanting that And yet somehow we tend to over-correct and act like being an empowered woman means you're supposed to stop wanting companionship.
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  No, ma'am.
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  Let me be clear, I wanted my man, okay?
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  And at that time, I just didn't have him yet.
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  But you know what I did have?
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  A birthday.
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  My birthday was just around the corner, and I was not about to tell my birthday, "Hey, unfortunately, your application has been denied because we're currently experiencing a shortage in the boyfriend department."
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  Uh-uh.
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  So I decided to take myself away for the weekend.
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  Yes, by myself.
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  Okay, can I get a little all by myself right quick?
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  I booked a cute little bed and breakfast in Monterey and went on my first solo birthday weekend.
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  And friend, best thing I could have ever done for myself, okay?
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  10 out of 10, highly recommend.
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  There wasn't even a television, and I loved it.
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  Now listen, I don't want you to think that me being alone in a room without a TV would have had me staring at the walls at 7:42 PM reconsidering every decision I've ever made.
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  Nope.
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  What really surprised me was I loved the quiet.
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  I loved waking up with myself, deciding what I wanted to do without checking with anybody, moving at my own pace.
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  I went to breakfast alone and listen, people was talking to me, okay?
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  People were so kind.
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  They'd spark up conversations.
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  Low-key, I think that they might have felt bad.
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  And I could sometimes sense this assumption that maybe I needed some company.
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  Meanwhile, I was sitting there like, "Oh, no, friend, I'm good."
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  I wasn't enduring breakfast alone and I wasn't waiting on somebody to rescue me from my own table, honey.
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  Listen, I was enjoying myself.
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  And that trip, it changed something in me, and I don't know if I can even completely explain it because it wasn't just, oh, look at me, I can travel alone.
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  It was so much bigger than that.
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  It was me saying, oh, look at my life.
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  It's available to me now.
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  Not someday off in the distance when somebody chooses me or my relationship status changes, not when the picture finally looks the way that I imagined it would, but it's happening now, right now.
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  And this is where I want you to lean in, friend, because it's getting good, okay?
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  Good with a T.
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  Good.
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  Now listen, taking that trip did not mean that I suddenly didn't want love anymore, okay?
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  Because I still very much wanted my man, okay?
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  Let's not get carried away.
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  And those romantic weekends, somebody beside me experiencing life with me.
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  I still yearn for that beautiful relationship that was purely heaven-sent.
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  And eventually, that did become a very big part of my life.
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  But I stopped making one desire the admission ticket for all the other desires that I had.
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  That changed so much for me.
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  We don't always recognize we've connected two things together that don't actually have to be connected at all.
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  Travel when you're finally in a relationship, Wear the cute outfit when you lose weight.
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  Celebrate yourself when you accomplish something bigger.
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  Rest when you've finished everything.
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  start the business when you feel more confident.
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  Have fun when life isn't so serious, or make yourself a priority when everybody else happens to need less from you.
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  Friend, who told us that these things had to arrive together?
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  You can still want that thing that's missing, that hasn't arrived yet, without making everything that's already available to you wait for it.
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  That trip did not replace the fact that I wanted love, a romantic love, to be my favorite love story of all time.
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  But it made sure I didn't abandon the life that I already had while I was in the midst of waiting for it, okay?
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  I could wait for love without putting my life in the waiting room with it.
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  That's the difference And this happens so quietly.
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  It's in full stealth mode because you tell yourself, "Not right now."
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  And sometimes not right now really is the answer, but then next month it's gonna be something else.
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  work gets busy, money gets tight, somebody needs you, you're tired, there's a family thing, then you wanna wait until after the holidays.
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  Next thing you know, it's January and you're still trying to get yourself together.
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  You look up and it's already summer, then Mariah Carey is defrosting all over again, and a whole nother year went by.
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  And that's why the best question is not always, is my reason valid?
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  because your reason might be very valid.
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  The better question may be, is this a season or has this become my pattern?
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  Because there's a distinction here between I can't do this particular thing right now and I consistently make myself the negotiable part of my life.
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  Ooh, friend, listen.
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  That part, because maybe the trip isn't financially responsible right now.
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  Okay.
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  That doesn't mean you just disappear.
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  Maybe you don't have the bandwidth for a big dream right now.
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  Okay.
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  That doesn't mean that you can't still do one thing that keeps you connected to it.
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  Maybe this season requires more of you, and that's okay.
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  but where are you still somewhere in the equation?
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  There's also another distinction here between working towards something and simply waiting for permission to begin enjoying your life.
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  Because everything that you've stacked up and put in the corner and labeled it as someday becomes my real life begins when someday arrives.
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  And friend, your life is already happening, okay?
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  That's the part I don't want you to miss.
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  Okay?
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  Because when you think about the way that you treat the people that you love, you consider them, you think ahead for them, make room and celebrate them.
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  You even remember what they like.
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  You find a way when something matters to them.
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  Sometimes you'll move heaven, earth, three appointments, and your lunch break all because somebody you love needs something.
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  And then when it comes to you, it's like, "Oh, wait.
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  We'll see."
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  Uh, excuse me?
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  Friend, now why are you getting general admission in your own life, okay?
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  You just done bumped yourself clean off the list.
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  give yourself the VIP treatment sometimes, and VIP treatment doesn't automatically mean expensive.
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  It means considered.
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  Consider yourself.
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  What would make this week feel better to me?
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  What have I been saying that I wanna do?
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  What experience have I unnecessarily decided requires another person?
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  What little thing keeps getting pushed to later?
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  What have I convinced myself I have to earn first?
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  Because sometimes VIP treatment, it is the trip.
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  It's buying yourself the flowers while you're at Trader Joe's.
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  It's taking Saturday morning slow and not giving it away.
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  It's ordering the dessert you actually want.
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  It could be putting your phone on do not disturb and watching a movie.
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  sign up for the class.
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  Make the reservation.
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  Sometimes it's saying, "Actually, I matter enough to factor myself into this decision too."
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  And I don't want you leaving this conversation thinking every reason you have to wait is an excuse.
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  That's not at all what I'm saying, because discernment matters.
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  Your circumstances, finances, capacity, and responsibilities matter.
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  and friend, you matter too.
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  and that's the piece I don't want constantly disappearing from your equation.
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  So when you hear yourself saying later, ask yourself, "Is that wisdom or is later my default setting with myself?
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  Am I protecting something important or am I avoiding the discomfort of choosing myself?
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  Am I genuinely unable to do this right now, or did I just decide that unless I can do it perfectly, completely, or with everybody's approval, I won't do anything at all?"
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  Ooh, and friend, I'm about to get all up in your business.
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  Because sometimes you have to ask, if this mattered to someone I loved, would I be looking for a way?
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  Because sometimes that question will tell on us lovingly, but yet all loud and up in our face.
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  Every now and then, I think about that version of me sometimes, sitting by herself at breakfast, walking around Monterey, enjoying that quiet room with no TV and only the crashing of the waves to keep her company.
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  No man, no romantic weekend, just me.
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  And what she didn't know was that love was still coming.
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  It was on the way.
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  There would eventually be an amazing man by my side.
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  there'd eventually be a God-ordained marriage.
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  There would eventually be another version of this picture.
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  So I'm grateful that she didn't just make me wait for him.
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  I'm so grateful she decided that the woman I was right then and there deserved experiences.
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  She deserved beauty, celebration, adventure, wonderful memories.
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  She deserved to know what it felt like to enjoy her own company.
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  Because the life I have now, it didn't make that life any less valuable.
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  And friend, whatever you're waiting for, I want you to hear that.
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  What's coming doesn't make who you are or the life that you have today any less worthy of your participation.
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  You don't have to stop wanting more or pretending you're satisfied with everything as is.
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  You don't have to spiritualize disappointment or act like you don't desire what you desire, okay?
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  Want it, pray for it, work towards it, believe for it.
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  and while you're doing all of that, don't leave yourself sitting in the waiting room.
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  Be intentional and include yourself in all of it Ooh, friend, quick pause for the cause because if you're listening to this thinking, "Okay, but what do I want?"
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  Don't rush past that question.
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  The Main Character Energy journal prompts gives you the questions that get you out of the roles you play for everybody else and into an honest conversation with yourself.
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  not what makes sense or what everybody else needs, but really getting underneath the hood of what it is that you think, what you want, what's true for you.
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  It's linked for you below, and I got a feeling you already know exactly which area of your life needs this the most.
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  So go on ahead, friend, and get into it And now it's time for our favorite, the self-love two-step with the remix.
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  Okay Step one, reclaim your identity.
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  Just ask yourself, Where have I decided I'll start living, enjoying, celebrating, resting, exploring, creating, or choosing myself only after something else happens first?
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  when will I have the money, the relationship, or maybe when the kids are older, or when I feel better about my body, when work slows down, when everybody else is okay?"
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  Friend, just notice.
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  No shame, no shade, and no judgment.
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  We just need to hear the truth before we can do anything useful with it Step two is build self-love.
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  So ask, what's available to me now?
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  And not that watered down consolation prize type.
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  Not the, "Okay, fine, I guess," and just settle for this right here.
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  No, no, no, no, no.
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  What would genuinely feel good, nourishing, exciting, peaceful, interesting, beautiful, or just more like you right now?
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  Maybe having a full, complete answer isn't the whole thing because listen, partial answers, they count too, okay?
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  They can get the party started as well.
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  So make one move.
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  Book something just for you.
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  Protect an hour.
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  Buy the ticket.
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  Take yourself to breakfast.
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  Start researching or set some money aside.
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  Make the call.
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  Say no to something.
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  Shoot, say yes to yourself.
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  Even a small move still sends a big message that I don't keep putting myself off.
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  And then the you step.
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  You get still, you get quiet, and you ask yourself, "What's the next best step for me?"
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  Trust yourself, friend.
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  You really do know what's best for you.
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  Now, let me pour into you real quick.
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  there will always be a reason.
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  sometimes it's a dang on good reason too.
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  But my hope for you is that you build a relationship with yourself where your first instinct isn't always to cross your own name off of your own list.
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  Nothing needs to happen overnight.
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  I mean, listen, your dreams certainly won't reveal themselves that fast.
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  Every desire doesn't have to be fulfilled today.
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  But please, friend, stay in your own life.
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  Keep considering yourself.
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  Keep making room for yourself, giving yourself experiences, discovering what you like, finding little pockets of joy.
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  Keep choosing things simply because They make being alive feel good.
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  You're not the appetizer before the real life arrives, okay?
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  This is it.
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  Smack dab in a regular schmegular Tuesday.
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  It's your birthday, the season.
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  It's this version of you.
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  She's so worthy of showing up for too.
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  Friend, you don't need a better reason to choose yourself.
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  And one day, you just might look back and realize that the thing that changed your life wasn't finally getting everything you were waiting for.
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  It was the moment you stopped waiting to give yourself permission to live because your life is happening now.
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  Where are you in it?
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  Ooh, friend, look at you doing your work and everything.
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  Go ahead, tilt that crown, shoulders back, beautiful posture, nice and tall.
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  Take a deep breath in and let it out really go long on that exhale.
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  And now take the next step knowing you've got you.
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  And I'll meet you right back here in the next episode.
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  Until next time, friend, keep coming back to you