Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Sexual Codependence Is Great

Transcript

Sexual Codependence Is Great · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everyone, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show, today. I'm going to talk about what I
• 0:11
  am terming sexual codependent, which unlike other forms of code
• 0:15
  dependence, which I'll explain is good.
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  And in fact, I believe, is the ideal with an intimate
• 0:21
  relationship as an adult monogamous intimate
• 0:24
  relationship. So, before I do that, I must, of
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  course, always tell you that I'd love you to subscribe.
• 0:31
  Then you get access to all my other episodes.
• 0:35
  That I Just come up with on the Fly and some of my old episodes
• 0:38
  to so boundaries oral sex on women.
• 0:43
  Geez, like so much. Mr. Perfect.
• 0:45
  And his crazy wife stuff about kids parenting living life that
• 0:49
  you want to live all of these. If you go back to the beginning,
• 0:53
  there's like a whole bunch of them that were free for a while,
• 0:55
  but then we're not. So if you joined me after, you
• 0:58
  know, I don't know, February or March, then you're not seeing
• 1:01
  like a whole bunch. So, anyway, do that and also
• 1:04
  separately, there's my Facebook group, which is a great group of
• 1:07
  people that talk about a lot of issues related to relationships.
• 1:11
  A lot of people happen to be in second marriages or getting
• 1:14
  there just because that's who I am.
• 1:16
  So that's why I track. So if that's your situation,
• 1:18
  you'd probably like to be in my group or if you're just working
• 1:22
  on marital issues of any sort very few single people, but
• 1:25
  usually it's single post-divorce if there are and those are
• 1:29
  everybody's welcome. Of course.
• 1:31
  No, I like everybody. So anyhow, So getting to today's
• 1:37
  topic, what do you mean? What do I mean by sexual
• 1:39
  codependent? So what first of all, what's
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  codependence codependents is when people don't have
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  boundaries and so like they can barely go to the bathroom
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  without telling the partner, you know, and they're like to and
• 1:50
  mesh and they don't have their own individual lives.
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  Now. This is not good.
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  Why? Because if you're trying to get
• 1:55
  all of your emotional needs met from one person, that's probably
• 1:58
  not going to work out very well, and there's going to be a lot of
• 2:02
  resentment and a lot of frustration and Anxiety because
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  people cannot be all things to their partner.
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  So for example, there are many people that tell me that their
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  parents were so codependent that they didn't give attention to
• 2:18
  the kids. So, they were either acted like
• 2:20
  they were in love or genuinely were in love.
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  I say, acted. Like, because with some of these
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  couples, there's also intense fighting and just a lot of drama
• 2:29
  and the kids were like on the outside.
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  So the parents enmeshment with one another Did a healthy
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  emotional involvement with their own children?
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  We never want to get to that, you know, like where you are
• 2:42
  deep conversations with your partner are leaving your kid out
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  in the cold. Most people are on the other
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  side that I see now in our child centered culture.
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  So they are talking only to the kids and the partner is
• 2:55
  perceived as the annoyance or irritant.
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  That is disrupting their deep conversations with their
• 3:00
  children. Obviously, that's not good
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  either. But then I do sometimes see
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  people And people also tell me that they experienced this when
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  they were young, when it was a less child-centered culture,
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  where the parents involvement with one, another was the
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  limiting factor there and the kids felt on the outside and
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  they're a quote that I read is the children of lovers are
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  orphans. And that that is kind of
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  misleading because, of course, you can feel like lovers and
• 3:28
  also have a happy family where you engage with your children,
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  but I guess what that quote really meant, although it would
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  have been less poetic. Children of codependent partners
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  are orphans, you know, like yes, that's true.
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  And this could mean people that are very jealous of one, another
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  controlling of one another frequently fighting or just like
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  unable to be a part from one another because they have
• 3:51
  emerged so completely so that's not good.
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  Right? However, oh and the reason that
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  that's not good. Besides what I'm saying, another
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  like reason is because let's say you give like a hundred percent
• 4:02
  of your emotional involvement. Your spouse who's not getting
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  it. Your kids friends, your job like
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  a lot of like real healthy areas of your life or not getting any
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  Focus now, however, let's contrast that with sexual
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  monogamy, with in monogamy. You're not supposed to have any
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  other partners. So like, if you're polyamorous
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  and you could just like, stop listening to this, but you
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  probably won't, because I'm just so fascinating.
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  Just kidding, because like, he's probably too much effort to
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  literally stop this and find another podcast.
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  But anyhow, if you're monogamous, Miss you are
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  sexually only supposed to be with one person.
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  So that means that, if you've decided that like, you are going
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  to take some of that energy away, that's like not a good
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  thing. Your partner can only get their
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  sexual needs met from you. Unlike their emotional needs,
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  their emotional needs. They can get from friends,
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  family, your children work, whatever.
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  But sexually your partner and you have decided that you can
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  only be with one another. Okay, that's nice.
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  Many people make this decision. If you do that though, then you
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  have to understand that you are the sole entirety of that
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  person's sex life. So it is really incumbent upon
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  both Partners in an ideal situation to understand that.
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  That means in my mind, a healthy way to view that is because I am
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  the only game in town. I want to be a good game here.
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  You know, like I want if if I want my partner to be
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  monogamous, then don't I want to meet all of their needs.
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  Isn't that only fair? I believe it is only fair.
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  You know, if you are going to be monogamous, you are deciding
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  that your sex life is your sex life alone.
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  And there are no other people that are going to help you, you
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  know, self-actualize in that domain.
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  So what is an and physically as well by the way, so massage is
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  Is something that most people only get from their partner.
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  Now you could pay for a massage, but unless you got like Infinity
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  time on money, you're not going to be going to Massage Envy
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  every day. And if you do, you got a
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  problem. Like you're probably not going
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  to Massage Envy for a massage. If you're going every day,
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  you're like addicted to one of the massagers but like nobody
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  does that, you know, so people will go maybe once a week at Max
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  or something. But like if you want to be
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  touched hugged, kissed Just in a real way.
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  Not like how you kiss your kids caressed.
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  If you want to take a shower with somebody, if you want to do
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  anything, physical this got to be with your partner.
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  So what is that? Definitionally codependents?
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  Right? So obviously I'm using this term
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  to be entertaining on some level.
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  Like you don't want somebody who is like, so sexually codependent
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  with you that they're like, I need to hear every single
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  sexual. Thought that you have during the
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  day, like I need to have You're, I need to have full access to
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  your mind somehow, to download it and some kind of Black Mirror
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  away, know, a person can obviously have their own
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  thoughts. You know, what, I speak about
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  this in a podcast about is a bad to sexually fantasize about
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  somebody else. Know.
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  You're a human like you're gonna sexually fantasize about anybody
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  that you want because, you know, you're allowed to have your own
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  brain and this is totally normal.
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  And can in fact be an escape valve so that you don't actually
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  cheat. Like and how could you even
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  Anyway, like if you were having sex with your husband and you're
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  thinking about what I haven't mentioned them in a while, but
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  the UPS guy was my previous example, which is ironic,
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  because I don't even know who my UPS guy is.
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  But like let's say you are thinking about him, but then
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  you're like, oh shit, don't think about it.
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  Don't think about him. Like, what kind of sex are you
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  going to be having shitty constrained, constricted sex?
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  Because you're trying, not to think of a white elephant, you
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  know, that saying, don't think of a white elephant.
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  So, of course, when you think about it, why tell Often so your
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  brain can go anywhere. You want that part's totally
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  independent. But in terms of what you
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  actually do physically and sexually, I believe that it is
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  only right to try to be your partner's fantasy whether that
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  is physical or sexual or both. So physical what I mean is like
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  how I repeatedly say that if men massage their wives more,
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  they're going to get laid more. A lot of guys told me this
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  doesn't work when you get their wife and couples counseling.
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  You What kind of massage is he giving you?
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  Well, let me tell you something. It is no massage of any sort of
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  caliber that would lead to her being extremely excited.
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  I'll tell you that much. She's like, oh, you mean that
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  thing that you do for like, you know, 30 seconds to 3 minutes
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  and then sigh, I'd like ask why we're not having sex.
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  Yeah, like not that. So if you want your partner to
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  be like really deeply in love with you and to need you
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  sexually. Lee which they do with in
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  monogamy, they need you sexually.
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  Because if it's not you it's only their own hand.
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  And that, as I've said, many times is not positive for a
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  monogamous relationship for partners to escape into a solo
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  world of masturbation. If you have an amazing sex life,
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  and just so much extra libido that you also were masturbating
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  during the day have fun, you know, but if your sex life is
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  anything less than great as I write in the title of an
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  article, if your sex life is anything less than Masturbation
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  isn't helping anything because you are taking sexual desire,
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  that you don't even have enough of really, and then you're using
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  it for yourself, which is pretty fucking selfish.
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  Right? Like, I believe that selfish if
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  you didn't have enough food for your family, would you like sit
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  in a closet and gorge on it? And then just say, there's none
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  left. No.
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  And so that a lot of men are like, oh, but I do have enough
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  leftover I could jerk off in the morning and have sex with her at
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  night. Yeah, listen, you know like men
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  think a lot of things that are a little bit.
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  Not exactly true. So while you may function, fine,
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  you may still be at the age where you can get a hard-on at
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  night. Also you are motivation, level
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  to woo and pursue your wife is going to be less then if you
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  didn't jerk off in the morning because things are finite, you
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  know, they're just not infinite. No matter how much anybody has
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  fantasies about being Immortal and and all Thing is, nobody is
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  all things. So, this is why I say like, if
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  the man stops also, by the way, women hate, usually, to think of
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  their husbands jerking off to porn.
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  They just don't like it. Because why would they like it?
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  And if they do it together, if they're both into pouring,
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  that's cool. But if they themselves feel in
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  any way that their husband is detached and distant which so
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  many women feel and then he's also jerking off to porn.
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  It's like, man, where do you given those women on the screen
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  attention that you're not giving me?
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  And so this is total. Yeah, and also poor It is very
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  addictive. So there's a way to utilize porn
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  and masturbation that is as a supplement to an already
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  awesome, sex life in which nothing is done, really in
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  secret and it's a shared Joy, but so few people are doing it
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  like that, you know, many people are doing it to basically as a
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  drug as a dopamine releasing drug that allows them to escape
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  from a marriage that isn't really that good and that isn't
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  that sexually fulfilling. But what if they brought that
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  energy holy to the marriage, To the physical and sexual side of
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  it. So if a man is not able, it does
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  not think of himself as having The Escape of masturbation and
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  porn. Then is he going to bring his
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  A-game more to his wife. And is he going to think about
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  what her real fantasies are? And if she really is relaxed by
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  his 32nd massage and if she would in fact want him to look
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  into her eyes and tell her that he loves her during sex or if he
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  wants her to, you know, share more of her fantasies.
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  Maybe he could share some more of his that aren't just.
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  We do it in. A different position or
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  something that isn't going to resonate with her.
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  Maybe Digger deeper to find something that would be more
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  intriguing, you know, so what I feel is that if couples really
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  want to have the best sex life that they could have.
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  They have to realize that there are other early dependent on one
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  another physically and sexually and then act accordingly act in
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  the way that you would knowing that somebody that you love is
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  wholly dependent on you for this for this aspect of their life
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  because they are. And that's monogamy.
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  So if you don't like that side of monogamy, maybe you don't
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  like monogamy, but you can't build say that you like monogamy
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  and that you're cool with. Like, for example, your husband
• 12:43
  never getting a blowjob again till the day he dies, even
• 12:46
  though, you know, he really likes them or the true you want
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  monogamy, but you never really want to rub your wife's feet
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  because you don't really like feet.
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  Who cares? You like feet?
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  Who cares? If you like blow jobs, you can
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  learn to if you're coming from a place of, I love my partner and
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  I understand that in this domain.
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  We are everything. To one another.
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  And if you view it like that, it can actually be very romantic
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  and a turn-on, you know, to think that you are really the
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  entirety of your partner's sexual world.
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  And that, if you decide to do something new and different that
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  they like or you decide to all of a sudden grow, much more
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  sexually giving then this will be transformative for them and
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  make them like a million times happier.
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  So even women that have low sex drive if the man for Bill
• 13:35
  decided in the continue to use the massage one, but for some
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  women it's like a back scratch or a scalp scratch or sore, you
• 13:43
  know, caressing of some sort or for play literally just foreplay
• 13:49
  talk to so many couples who like don't do any for play in the
• 13:52
  woman is like, we don't do any foreplay and he's like, yeah, we
• 13:55
  do, I go down on you. These people do not listen to my
• 13:58
  oral sex on women. Podcasts oral sex on a woman is
• 14:01
  not for plate. Touching genitals is not for
• 14:04
  plate. That's sad.
• 14:05
  X. That's X.
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  So by foreplay, we mean breath, touching arms, legs kissing all
• 14:11
  of these sorts of things massage, ubiquitously, Etc.
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  So anyway, the point of this podcast is you got to really own
• 14:20
  that if you are monogamous sexual co-dependents is
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  necessary. You deeply need, one another for
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  physical and sexual love as manifested by all of these
• 14:32
  various things. You aren't getting it anywhere
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  else. Nor should you if you are
• 14:36
  committed to being faithful to one another.
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  And so what this means is that ask your partner what needs they
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  have? That aren't getting met and meet
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  them with a full and loving and Generous Heart is really, a
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  would be really unusual for a woman not to feel better about
• 14:54
  doing other cool, crazy experimental things in bed with
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  a man who just, like, try to give her the foreplay that she
• 15:02
  wants for an hour, you know, and was Open to feedback and didn't
• 15:07
  shut down with criticism as many men and women, less women,
• 15:12
  honestly, and I've said this before, because men Pride a lot
• 15:15
  of their masculinity on being, an excellent lover and women,
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  that's kind of completed with being a slut innocent.
• 15:21
  It shouldn't be, but that's kind of how society looks at it.
• 15:24
  So you have more women who are open to feedback on things in
• 15:27
  bed than men because women don't Pride themselves on.
• 15:30
  I'm only a feminine woman if I know how to give an ace blow
• 15:33
  job, you know, like date. I'm only a feminine woman if you
• 15:36
  know, I look great and my clothes or I look great out of
• 15:39
  my clothes or I'm sweet or I'm loving or I'm sexy in some other
• 15:42
  way, but you got more men whose masculinity is predicated on.
• 15:46
  I know how to give a woman an orgasm and ironically the more
• 15:49
  that a man feels like his masculinity is is dependent on
• 15:53
  this. The less likely he is to
• 15:54
  actually be good at it because women picked up on that, he can
• 15:57
  receive no feedback in this domain and therefore don't give
• 16:00
  him any. So then he continues to do the
• 16:02
  same. Mom, perhaps useless stuff.
• 16:05
  If in bed always, which is not a good scene for any partner that
• 16:08
  he's with. So anyway, use this podcast,
• 16:11
  episode to spark a discussion between you and your partner
• 16:15
  where you say, we are both sexually dependent on one
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  another fully and physically for our needs.
• 16:20
  What in an ideal world would I do differently?
• 16:24
  Or would we be doing more of? And let's start doing it,
• 16:28
  because we are the only game in town for one another.
• 16:30
  And if we really commit to making our sex life like a
• 16:34
  respite. For us and as Haven in the world
• 16:38
  where we can Retreat from all of our problems and just explore
• 16:41
  and enjoy one another and feel sexually and physically
• 16:44
  fulfilled, then our marriage can be at new heights of closeness,
• 16:48
  which will, of course, in a, in a large-scale way.
• 16:52
  Also, make our family happier, you know, as a unit and can have
• 16:57
  no downsides. So, think about this or re re
• 17:01
  listen to it, if you'd like with your partner and I will talk to
• 17:05
  Everybody suit. I like to give you end on a pep
• 17:07
  talk note of the best sex life that you could possibly have is
• 17:11
  within your reach. And it comes from a place of
• 17:14
  total, generosity and being very giving physically and sexually,
• 17:19
  alright. Have a great day everybody.
• 17:21
  Bye.