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Self Judgement Truth Bombs · #BeMoreLobster

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Self-judgment is painful, paralysing, and as useful as a chocolate fire guard.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: As someone who held a gold medal in self-judgment and has gladly stepped down off that podium, I'd like to share my thoughts on self-judgment with you today: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're ready, let's dive right in.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking about this a lot because I see self-judgment in my children, and I obviously see it in a lot of the clients that I work with.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And having been crippled by self-judgment for well over 20 years of my adult life, I know how debilitating it can be and how awe-consuming it can be.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I've just been thinking about like what are the things that have made the change for me?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: What did I have to learn?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: What did I have to know?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: What did I have to accept that move me away from self-judgment into having radical personal responsibility and feeling really centred and strong in who I am and genuinely just not giving a crap whether anybody else likes it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I've come up with three things that I want to share with you, and then at the end, I'm going to offer you what I think is a really good answer for moving away from self-judgment.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it doesn't include any kind of happy clappy, let's just all think positively, because I don't actually think that's very helpful.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing that I want to offer is that self-judgment actually doesn't belong to you.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Can you notice that the yardstick on which you measure yourself, it isn't your creation.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: The thoughts and the emotions that you have about yourself are measured against beliefs and ideals and values and pictures and all these things that you didn't choose.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: If I were to be able to whisk you away to the middle of a beautiful woods and then remove your memory a little bit like men in black, and you opened your eyes and you had no memory, you had no context, you were just surrounded by trees, and it was just you, there was no other human being, you wouldn't think the things about yourself that you do now because there is no context and there is no comparison.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll offer this to your brain as well.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about the way that you think about yourself now, if you lived in a different country, some of those things that you're saying about yourself would be super valuable, or they'd be that you know they would be valued, or they wouldn't even be a thing.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you took some of those things that you think about yourself and took them back 50 years, 100 years, 150 years, 200 years, prehistoric times, like they wouldn't even exist.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: So self-judgment doesn't belong to you.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's an unwelcome and an unwanted gift created on the back of things, ideals and beliefs and statuses and values that you didn't choose, but somehow you've learned through your life to compare yourself against.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And clearly, I'm always going to come back to social media, doesn't make this any easier because we're bombarded with what the ideal looks like.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I would like to just invite you to for this moment just accept like you could give that unwanted gift back.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: You could just say, actually, I think I'll create my own measuring stick on how much I'm worth and how much I like myself and what kind of body shape I can have, and what kind of salary I can have, and what kind of job I can do.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like you could totally do that.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, I know that when you are in self-judgment, it is awe-consuming and it can feel impossible to believe that there is a life available to you where you don't do that.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to tell you that there absolutely is.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was crippled by awful thoughts and feelings about myself for well over 20 years, disordered eating.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I used to pull at the skin on my stomach and my thighs and my arms until it was red raw, and hot tears had streamed down my face as I, through gritted teeth, told myself how much I hated myself and how disgusting I was, and how no one was like me or love me.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Even when I weighed less than six stone, I would still find flesh to pull.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I spent a lot of my life comparing myself to my twin sister, who I used to say was cleverer than me and more sporty than me, and all the things other than what I was.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Comparing myself against my siblings, other siblings who I considered were way more successful than me and had financial freedom, and I didn't have all these things, and I get it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I have none of that anymore.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was not a magic wand, it was not a quick fix.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that what I'm delivering to you actually helps you, gives you a way to get yourself out of it way quicker than I did, because I didn't know any different.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is that self-judgment doesn't belong to you.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing that I would like you to understand, and perhaps you haven't heard this before, is that the things that we give weight to in our mind, the things that we repeat, the thoughts and the beliefs that we get we have on loop, they actually are like an instruction to our brain to say, oh, this is really important to Louise, so let's go find more evidence of that.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: So the very thing that you're trying to escape from, the very thing that you're trying to avoid, is the very thing that you're bringing more and more into your life because your brain thinks it's important to you.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you will always then be seeking and attracting evidence to support your belief, which means you're gonna spend more time triggered than you're not.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's basically like self-flagellation, it serves zero purpose except to make you feel absolutely crap on a regular basis and reinforce all of these untruths that you have taken on about yourself, and this will project into your life.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's a uh a phrase that we use in NLP that says perception is projection.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So what we perceive to be true about us, what we hold as truth in our minds and our body and our fascia and our, you know, throughout ourselves.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine that you're like a literally a projector and you're projecting a real life experience of that set of beliefs, which is why you might think, like, oh, I'm working so hard, I keep seeing the same things happening over and over and over again, because deep down you're still holding the belief that somewhere you're not good enough or you're not worthy, or it's not possible, or the thing's not available, or you can't make a change, or and or and, and it just goes on and on and on.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we're walking around in this space of self-judgment and we're thinking, I don't want to judge myself anymore, I don't want to judge myself anymore, your brain hears, we want to judge, we want to judge, and you find yourself in experiences where you've just got more and more experiences and opportunities to be triggered and feel even more crap about yourself than you did before.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I did tell you this was the good, the bad, and the ugly, right?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm being totally truthful, but there is good news coming, so hold on tight.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: The biggest thing that I've realized over time is that self-judgment completely robs you of taking radical personal personal responsibility for how you got to where you are, and the fact that you are the only one that can create a different future.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that happens is because everything that you hear, or so much of what you hear, triggers you, and then you get into a blame, shame, and judgment cycle.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And from that space, you give away your power because you're blaming other people, you're blaming experiences, you feel like you can't change anything, you get into blame, shame, and judgment on yourself, and that is not a resourceful state from which to make any great moves, is it?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you're in a place where you're like, I can't do this and I can't do that, and I've done this wrong, and I've done this wrong on my whole life, and everyone thinks I'm useless, and everyone thinks I'm always gonna mess up, that's not a great place to make a new start from.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: So if self-judgment isn't just making you feel like crap, it's absolutely serving no purpose, and it's stopping you from changing your life, it's fair to say that it's having a massive impact other than just making you feel bad.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to get you to the place where you can take radical personal responsibility without feeling triggered so that you can actually realize that you are the captain of your ship, you know, you are the driver of your bus.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: You get to go in any direction you choose, in the world of Dr.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is it Dr.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Zeus, I think.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: So where you are, and the fact that you create your future is reg you need to have personal responsibility to do that.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, you will always be the product, and you will always have a life based on what other people have put on you, whether that's your caregivers, the people that you met went to school with, the people that you're in your life now, what society says, like you'll be a moulded, formed version that somebody else or other people define because you won't be able to step out of it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the other thing about this obviously is that when we are triggered by what things people say and we retreat and we get back in, we can often get defensive.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: So when we're in self-judgment, notice how we can actually get very angry, we can be very shouty, we can be very difficult, and it all comes from a place of self-preservation.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: We already feel under attack by ourselves, we don't need to feel attacked by somebody else, but actually they're not attacking, we're attacking ourselves because we're hearing something that doesn't that that we that we take on as a as a as a judgment because we can only receive what we're already feeling.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody says to me, Oh my god, Louise, you're so bossy, and I'm like, okay, if I don't see myself as bossy, I'm not gonna get triggered by that.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that makes sense.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: So there's three things that I think are really and that you need to understand is that self-judgment doesn't belong to you.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: But all the time you hold on to it, you'll always be seeking and attracting evidence to support that belief, and that all the time you're in self-judgment, you really are gonna find it so incredibly hard to take personal responsibility for how you got to where you are, and the fact that you're in you're the creator of what's moving forward.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And let me just add a little bit more to that for those of you that are going, yeah, but this thing happened to me, and this person did this to me.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I get it, shit happens, you know.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: People people do things, we've all messed up, right?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Each of us, I think don't think anybody listening to this has not ever said, like, I messed up somewhere along the line.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and the point being there is that in every one of those moments, you can get to keep blaming the other person, but you're gaining nothing from that.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's a really hard lesson to take.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, there are still a couple of people in my life that I'm holding on to a little bit of resentment for, and I'm struggling with forgiveness, I'm struggling with letting it go, it doesn't stop moving on, right?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: So that's really, really important for you to understand that if you are waiting for somebody to apologize or for somebody to do something different before you can be happy, before you can be at cause of what you create in your life, you will always be waiting, and you will always be relying on somebody else to create the emotions in your life.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I know you don't want that.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about how do we move away from self-judgment.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's so many ways.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: When I work with my clients, we work somatically, we work with the unconscious mind, with NLP, we do like brain coachings, we do forward action coaching, and I love that three-pronged approach.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's the most helpful way to do it.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: But for now, for the sake of this podcast, what I do want to say is I don't think that saying, oh, let's think more positively is going to work.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I also don't think practicing self-love is the first place to start.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because to go from self-judgment to self-love feels like a huge leap, and it can feel completely out of your remit right now.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: To think positively, it's great to be resourceful, but to you know, to try and overwrite some of these really big thoughts and emotions with like, today is a great day, today's a great day to have a great day.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, look, the sun's shining.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: I see the value and I do it for myself, but when you're in those big emotions, that can feel hard.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I was thinking about if I want to take my clients from being in full-on self-judgment on a regular basis, and I want them to get over the bridge to the place where they take radical personal responsibility for the results that they have in their life and the results that they're going to create in their future, and I'm not asking them to go into self-love and I'm not asking them to like go hard onto the positive thinking.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: What can I ask them to do?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I realize it's just about acceptance.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's about accepting that, yeah, I made some stupid mistakes in the past.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: You might have done some really bad shizzle, right?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: You might have hurt people and upset people, you might have made the wrong choices, you might have said the wrong thing, and in actual fact, we don't know.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: All of those are wrong, but that's another story.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you could have done things differently, maybe you could have said things differently, maybe you could have been a different person, maybe you could have made different decisions, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: There is absolutely no way that you could know what would have happened differently if you'd have made a different decision, said a different word, done a different action.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because life is a series of sliding door moments.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And when you get caught in the what if, you are in like the well of despair because you will not know there are too many things at play.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: But you can say, Maybe I could have made better choices, right?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe my body would look different if I'd had made better food choices, maybe a relationship would be different if I'd made better communication choices.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you know, I'd be in a different job.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Had I not skipped university, like you can say all that, and you can say, and I didn't, and I did the best that I could with the resources that resources that I had at the time, and here I am, and here I am, and just allow the weight of resistance to release.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Acceptance doesn't mean choosing to live here, acceptance doesn't mean liking it.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Acceptance just means I can't change what happened in the past.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: All I can change is how I feel now and how I'm going to move forward in my life and with my life and through my life.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Acceptance is like putting down the heavy shopping bags.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like when you carry the 15 bags from the car because you don't want to go back and it cuts into your hand, your ends of your fingers go white because there's no blood coming to them.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Acceptance allows you to stop doing that.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Acceptance just said, like, I can drop the bags now, I can stop carrying the burden of the what-ifs, and I can draw a line in the sand, and I can say, Hey, I didn't know better.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't have done anything different.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm meant to be where I'm, you know, where I am right now is where I'm meant to be, and I'm willing to move forward from this time.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about if you've ever been to the gym and you've pulled a sled behind you, like is this kind of like resistance training or a parachute, or if you've ever carried a but your baby in a papoose on the front, or you've ever walked uphill with a rucksack full of water when you get to the top, and then you put that weight down, you put the baby down, you put the rucksack down, you unhook the sledge, and all of a sudden you feel 200 times lighter, like you could fly.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's the power of acceptance.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to offer you that you don't need to jump straight into self-love, you don't need to be positive poly and be thinking great things all the time.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to learn to practice acceptance when that voice starts.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but I didn't, and I'm here, and I'm making a better choice now.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And those can be from questions like, how can I do different or better now?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Who or what can I let go of now?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And from that step, as you practice acceptance, you build one slat in front of the other of this bridge from self-judgment to radical personal responsibility, and you start to become the curator of your own life experience.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And when you can combine the coaching with releasing this memory and experiences somatically from your body, from your fascia, and you can rewire your unconscious mind, you literally become the vessel that holds the experience with the wounds that have been healed, and so you're a walking vessel of wisdom.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: How great is that?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're basically a witch or a wizard, right?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're never gonna get rid of the experience, but you learn that I can I can heal the wound, I don't have to carry around the emotional wound with me anymore because in each of those wounds is this magnificent wisdom, and I'm choosing the wisdom, I'm not choosing the wound anymore, and honestly, it's life-changing.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was talking to a client today, and I said to her, self-acceptance and being the grounded pillar of this is who I am, and I, you know, I can honour your experience of me, whatever that is, and it's not gonna change the way I feel about myself.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this is the gift that 50 gave me, I don't know, but I'll tell you what, it feels freaking amazing.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like a little bit of that, this is what I do in my coaching.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to find out more about that, just drop me an email at contact at louiscartwright.com or come find me on social media and drop me a DM and we can have a chat about what that looks like for you.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: But in the meantime, start building your bridge away from self-judgment and towards radical personal responsibility, and I promise you, everything will change.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for checking in with me at the Seeking Simplicity Podcast, and I'll speak to you again in the next episode.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Big love.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.