Latest / Mom Gone Mild / A Letter to My Son Before He Turns One

Transcript

A Letter to My Son Before He Turns One · Mom Gone Mild

• 0:11
  Hey guys, welcome back to Mom Gone Mild.
• 0:14
  I'm your host, Lex, so if you're new here, around here we pretty
• 0:18
  much talk about motherhood, Wellness, becoming the best
• 0:22
  versions of ourselves. I honestly cannot believe I'm
• 0:26
  saying this, but today is the season 1 finale of Mom Gone
• 0:31
  Mild. 30 episodes. That's thirty weeks of me
• 0:36
  showing up, hitting record, sharing way too much about my
• 0:40
  life. And honestly, I just found such
• 0:43
  an incredible community along the way.
• 0:46
  So when I sat down to plan kind of this episode, I had so many
• 0:52
  ideas. I was like, should it be what I
• 0:55
  learned in my first year? You know, another advice
• 0:58
  episode, Should I bring on a guest?
• 1:00
  I just feel like although I love those episodes, none of them
• 1:04
  felt right for the season finale.
• 1:06
  Because when I asked myself like what this podcast really is
• 1:12
  about, the answer was so obvious.
• 1:14
  It's about the little boy who made this all possible, of
• 1:17
  course. So this episode is dedicated to
• 1:21
  my son Axel. And if I cry this episode,
• 1:25
  please don't judge me. I feel like it's already coming.
• 1:29
  But yeah, so about this time last year, I was getting ready
• 1:35
  to meet him. I was like, setting up the
• 1:36
  nursery, just making sure we had everything, making sure
• 1:40
  everything was sterilized. And I was scared out of my mind.
• 1:44
  I had no idea of what kind of mom I was going to be.
• 1:49
  I didn't know how much truly my life was going to change, how
• 1:53
  much my priorities were going to shift.
• 1:55
  I didn't know, you know, that now every decision has to
• 2:00
  include this little human. I basically just knew that I
• 2:04
  loved him so much already. And now here we are.
• 2:08
  He is 11 1/2 months and I just think like, how is that even
• 2:14
  possible? I feel like I just had him like
• 2:16
  this is crazy. And my TikTok feed, my real
• 2:20
  feed, it is like just full of like babies last first holidays
• 2:27
  babies before they turn 1. And I'm just like, I'm sitting
• 2:31
  here like I cry all the time because, you know, this is it,
• 2:36
  Axel. I have said this many times and
• 2:38
  I'm sticking to it. Axel is my one and only baby
• 2:42
  that I will have my one and done.
• 2:44
  I will never experience another first smile.
• 2:48
  I will never experience another first laugh, another first time
• 2:53
  hearing Mama. Yeah.
• 2:56
  So I just, I don't know, if I'm being honest, I guess that I, I
• 3:03
  feel like I'm mourning a little piece about me.
• 3:05
  And I feel like some people are like, Oh my God, this is so
• 3:08
  extra. But I don't know.
• 3:11
  I don't want him to grow, obviously.
• 3:14
  I mean, I do want him to grow, but I just miss that stage and I
• 3:18
  don't know if I'm ready. People always tell you, like,
• 3:21
  enjoy every moment because it goes so fast.
• 3:24
  And I feel like when they tell you, you're just, like, OK,
• 3:29
  like, you're just nodding. But you don't really understand
• 3:32
  what that means until you're living in it.
• 3:35
  And I'm in the thick of it. One day, you were trying to just
• 3:39
  survive, you know, the newborn stage.
• 3:43
  The next day, you're going to just realize that your baby is
• 3:46
  almost one years old, one year old.
• 3:50
  And how did that happen? I talk a lot on this podcast
• 3:55
  about becoming the best version of myself, about healing, about
• 3:59
  choosing yourself, about just consistency and showing up for
• 4:03
  yourself, about building a life that you are proud of.
• 4:07
  But if I'm being completely honest, I feel like that journey
• 4:11
  didn't really start, you know, because I wanted to lose weight.
• 4:15
  I'm, you know, I'm on a weight loss journey as well, but it
• 4:18
  didn't start because I wanted like to start this podcast.
• 4:22
  You know, it started because I looked at that little boy and I
• 4:27
  asked myself one question. What kind of mom do I want to be
• 4:31
  for Axel? And I just feel like that
• 4:33
  question basically changed everything, you know, it made me
• 4:39
  go to therapy. It made me take care of my
• 4:43
  mental health because I was really struggling.
• 4:46
  It made me, you know, start wanting to move my body again.
• 4:52
  It made me believe, I guess just it made me believe in myself
• 4:56
  enough to start this podcast. You know, it made me chase
• 5:00
  dreams that I guess I probably, I don't know if I would have,
• 5:06
  you know, like talked myself out of it.
• 5:09
  I don't know. One day my son is going to watch
• 5:13
  how I live my life. He's going to learn more from
• 5:16
  what I do then what I say, you know, lead by example.
• 5:21
  And I just feel like that's such a huge responsibility.
• 5:25
  I just want to him to grow up knowing, you know, what kindness
• 5:31
  looks like. I want him to know that it's OK
• 5:35
  to be sensitive, that crying doesn't make you weak.
• 5:38
  Because I cry all the time. And it's OK, you know that
• 5:42
  treating people with respect really does matter.
• 5:46
  Apologizing when you're wrong is strength.
• 5:48
  And it is important that working hard matters, that loving your
• 5:54
  family absolutely matters. It don't want to raise a perfect
• 5:59
  son. I mean, I'm not going to be
• 6:01
  delusional. I want to raise a good man and
• 6:06
  before becoming a mom I honestly believe nursing was the most
• 6:10
  important job in the world. And please don't get me wrong, I
• 6:14
  have so much respect for my field but I feel like
• 6:18
  motherhood, I don't know. Motherhood just changed the
• 6:21
  definition of my purpose. This is definitely what I was
• 6:27
  made for. I, you know, I promise to not be
• 6:31
  an overbearing mom. I know I'm struggling, but he's
• 6:36
  my, you know, my baby. But I'm really trying.
• 6:39
  I promise to let him become whoever he's meant to be.
• 6:43
  I promise he'll always have a safe space to come to me without
• 6:48
  fear or judgment. I also promise that no matter
• 6:52
  how old he gets, he'll always know he has someone cheering him
• 6:56
  on, someone who believes in him, someone who loves him
• 7:01
  unconditionally. So the other night actually
• 7:05
  reminded me why. Yeah, but like, we're in the
• 7:10
  thick of it right now. So Axel has 8 teeth already.
• 7:14
  Yeah, you heard me. 8 teeth at 11 months old.
• 7:19
  Please someone help us because this guy is teething so so so
• 7:26
  bad. So anyways the other night he
• 7:29
  just would not stop crying. I mean literally nothing worked.
• 7:33
  I gave him his medicine, I gave him his teething tablets, you
• 7:37
  know his cold teethers. I was giving him cuddles and I
• 7:43
  feel like I gave him everything, but he was still crying.
• 7:46
  He was so upset. Nothing was helping.
• 7:49
  And if I'm being honest, I was frustrated as we get, you know,
• 7:56
  we are human. I was tired.
• 7:58
  I mean, it was probably like 2:30 in the morning.
• 8:01
  I just wanted to sleep and just something in me just was like,
• 8:07
  look, basically looking at him and his little tears in his eyes
• 8:11
  and he just kept saying like Mama, Mama.
• 8:14
  So, you know, I picked him up, I held him against my chest and I
• 8:18
  just sang him to sleep. And I just sat there holding
• 8:23
  him. And I realized something.
• 8:24
  He wasn't trying to give me a hard time.
• 8:27
  He was having a hard time. And that little moment I feel
• 8:31
  like taught me peace because there's just nothing else I
• 8:35
  could do. Motherhood has, I guess, this
• 8:38
  funny way of teaching you lessons when you least expect
• 8:42
  it. Every single day.
• 8:44
  Axel, I swear, teaches me something.
• 8:46
  He teaches me how to just slow down, feel like he teaches me to
• 8:50
  laugh more, notice the little things, celebrate tiny victories
• 8:54
  because they matter so much. And just honestly, being present
• 8:58
  sometimes, I'm always on my phone and I just realized like,
• 9:01
  hey, this is like his first time, you know, living.
• 9:05
  And I just have to put it down. I get to make him breakfast.
• 9:08
  I get to, you know, read him books before bed.
• 9:12
  I get to take him to story time, the zoo, aquarium, museums.
• 9:17
  And I just get to experience all of his very first times watching
• 9:22
  him discover the world has somehow.
• 9:26
  I know, I feel like it's just helped me rediscover it too.
• 9:29
  I mean, everything is so freaking exciting to this guy
• 9:33
  and just like seeing it through his eyes, I get to see like he's
• 9:36
  obsessed right now with birds, trees.
• 9:38
  He's definitely have sex with our dog Mochi.
• 9:41
  You know, we went through the car wash the other day and he
• 9:45
  was just like, oh wow. And just, I don't know, it's
• 9:48
  like things I would have literally like walked right past
• 9:52
  before and now I stopped because I just want to see his reaction,
• 9:56
  you know? It's just so fun.
• 9:57
  I used to think life was about chasing like the next big
• 10:01
  milestone and motherhood completely change what success
• 10:06
  looks like to me. Now I realize, you know, life is
• 10:10
  happening in these ordinary moments.
• 10:13
  The other day I realized something.
• 10:15
  I might not be the richest woman in the world financially.
• 10:18
  In fact, I'm definitely not. You know, a little money would
• 10:22
  always be nice, but honestly, I already feel rich.
• 10:27
  I have a beautiful life. I have an incredible husband, I
• 10:31
  have the sweetest little boy. I have amazing friends.
• 10:34
  Motherhood completely change what success looks like to me.
• 10:38
  I used to think happiness came from getting the next raise, you
• 10:43
  know, moving up in my career or just always chasing the next
• 10:49
  goal. And don't get me wrong, I still
• 10:51
  have dreams and I still have goals, you know, that I'm
• 10:53
  working towards. But now I realize I already have
• 10:56
  everything I used to pray for. Money is important, of course.
• 11:00
  It gives you security and opportunities and it helps you
• 11:04
  live. I'm not pretending it doesn't
• 11:06
  matter because that would be absolutely ridiculous.
• 11:09
  But at the end of the day, it's not the most important thing.
• 11:13
  Memories we're making, the laughter in our home, the little
• 11:17
  hands reaching just for me, the bedtime cuddles, the endless
• 11:22
  smiles and all these like little moments.
• 11:25
  That's what makes me feel rich. That's what I want my son to
• 11:29
  remember. Those are the things money just
• 11:33
  could never buy. And while I know every stage
• 11:37
  gets better in its own way, I am also learning that it's OK to be
• 11:42
  sad when 1 chapter ends because you know that sadness comes from
• 11:47
  love. People ask me all the time like
• 11:50
  what motherhood has been like so far.
• 11:54
  I honestly don't know if words will ever do it justice.
• 11:57
  It's been exhausting, it's been messy.
• 12:02
  I've questioned myself so many times, you know?
• 12:06
  I've cried, I've laughed, I've survived sleepless nights I
• 12:10
  didn't think I would from exhaustion.
• 12:13
  But it's also been the greatest honor of my life.
• 12:16
  It made me want to become someone my son could one day
• 12:20
  really be proud of. And while motherhood isn't
• 12:23
  everyone's path, and I truly respect that because every
• 12:27
  woman's journey is completely different for me, I can honestly
• 12:31
  say I think that this is exactly, exactly what I was made
• 12:35
  for. And before I wrap this episode,
• 12:38
  I want to say something to all the moms whose babies are about
• 12:42
  to turn 1. Feel like this is where I'm
• 12:45
  going to cry. But congratulations.
• 12:48
  Because seriously, you deserve it.
• 12:51
  Everyone I feel like is going to celebrate the baby's first
• 12:55
  birthday. And of course, they absolutely
• 12:58
  should. It's a huge milestone.
• 13:00
  We're going to go all out, you know, But today I just want to
• 13:03
  celebrate you. You grew that baby.
• 13:06
  You carried them for however many months it took.
• 13:10
  You made it through pregnancy. You killed it through labor and
• 13:15
  delivery. You survived the sleepless
• 13:19
  nights, the cluster feeding, the bottles that needed, you know,
• 13:24
  to be sterilized. And, you know, just all the
• 13:27
  diaper changes, the endless laundry, the postpartum
• 13:30
  hormones, the sleep regressions. I know, but those aren't done
• 13:34
  yet. But you know, we've survived so
• 13:35
  far. And just basically the
• 13:38
  questioning if you were doing enough and all those moments
• 13:42
  that nobody really could prepare you for and somehow you did it.
• 13:47
  Your baby's turning 1. But to be honest, so are you.
• 13:51
  You're one year into motherhood that deserves, I feel like, to
• 13:55
  be celebrated. If I had like a little like,
• 13:57
  what are they like? Like, little whistle things.
• 14:00
  I'd blow it for you guys. Yeah, it's a huge celebration.
• 14:05
  So if nobody has told you lately, I am freaking proud of
• 14:09
  you. And if you're listening to this
• 14:11
  while you're still in those, like, newborn trenches,
• 14:14
  wondering, like, is this ever going to get better?
• 14:17
  And, you know, if you have a perfect baby, that's great for
• 14:20
  you. But I promise you, there is a
• 14:23
  light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't necessarily get
• 14:28
  easier. I feel like it just gets
• 14:30
  different. It's so much fun now, you know?
• 14:34
  Just like watching their little personalities come to life,
• 14:38
  hearing them laugh, watching them explore, you know, the
• 14:42
  world, seeing them learn something new every day.
• 14:46
  Even my gosh, Axel right now is doing these like little growls
• 14:50
  that drive me sometimes crazy, but I know one day I'll miss
• 14:53
  those too. So my advice to you is just keep
• 14:57
  going. You are doing so much better
• 15:00
  than you think. And one day you'll blink and
• 15:05
  they'll be almost one, almost 5, almost 10, and you'll be
• 15:09
  wondering where the time went. So.
• 15:12
  So I know you will definitely not remember these days.
• 15:16
  You won't remember our little adventures, the nights I rocked
• 15:20
  you to sleep because your teeth were hurting.
• 15:23
  You won't remember how excited you got every time you saw a
• 15:27
  bird, or how excited you got when you saw Mochi coming to you
• 15:32
  in the morning. You won't Remember Me crying
• 15:35
  because you were turning 1. But honestly, I will.
• 15:39
  And I feel like that's why we do all this.
• 15:42
  I will remember all of it. So I just want to say thank you
• 15:46
  for making me a mommy. You for giving my life a greater
• 15:51
  purpose than I ever could have imagined.
• 15:53
  Thank you for making me braver, kinder, stronger.
• 15:57
  Thank you for here you go. I told you I'm going to cry
• 16:00
  because this episode means a lot to me.
• 16:04
  So thank you for just changing me.
• 16:07
  And to everyone listening, thank you because obviously, I mean,
• 16:14
  just this episode, this podcast, it would be nothing without you.
• 16:18
  So whether you've been here since episode 1 or you found
• 16:23
  this episode yesterday, just thank you.
• 16:25
  Thank you, thank you for choosing to spend time with me.
• 16:30
  You guys could be listening to so many other things except me
• 16:33
  crying. But, you know, I feel like this
• 16:34
  community really has, you know, become so much more than I ever
• 16:40
  imagined. Season one has been about
• 16:44
  growth, you know, healing, motherhood, finding ourselves
• 16:48
  laughing through the chaos, laughing through the tears and
• 16:51
  the crazy times that we've had and realizing that none of us
• 16:55
  have it all figured out. I feel like this podcast truly
• 16:59
  helped me through my first year of postpartum.
• 17:02
  Every week, I got to sit down. I basically got to heal.
• 17:07
  I was able to share my heart. You know, I was able to laugh,
• 17:11
  cry as I'm doing now, just process this huge life
• 17:15
  transition in real time. Looking back now, I realize Mom
• 17:19
  Gone Mild wasn't just helping other women.
• 17:21
  It helped me so much. And I do want to say as Axel is
• 17:25
  growing, so will this podcast. We're going to experience new
• 17:29
  seasons together. Toddler hood is coming.
• 17:33
  I'm nervous. Motherhood, you know, marriage,
• 17:36
  Wellness, friendships, chasing dreams and everything in
• 17:39
  between. Life doesn't ever stop changing
• 17:42
  and neither will we or this podcast.
• 17:44
  I'm just excited that we get to grow together 1 episode at a
• 17:48
  time. So I hope you've listened to the
• 17:51
  season. You felt a little less alone.
• 17:55
  That's all I've ever wanted. This isn't a goodbye.
• 17:59
  It's simply the end of our first chapter.
• 18:03
  I'll definitely be back for season 2 with way more
• 18:06
  conversations, more laughter, and you guys, so many guests.
• 18:10
  I have had so many people reaching out to me that want to
• 18:13
  be on this podcast and it is truly amazing.
• 18:16
  So before we wrap up today's episode, I have one small last
• 18:20
  favor to ask you guys. If you've loved Season 1,
• 18:23
  please, please, please take a second into rate Mom Gone mild 5
• 18:27
  stars. If I'm not good, I mean, rate me
• 18:29
  whatever you want, but on Spotify, Amazon, Apple, wherever
• 18:32
  you guys listen and it would just mean the world to me.
• 18:36
  And if you're watching on YouTube, please don't forget to
• 18:38
  hit like subscribe all the buttons or you don't miss Season
• 18:44
  2. And please follow me on
• 18:46
  Instagram at Mom Gone mild under score podcast.
• 18:49
  And if you haven't checked it out, I have officially launched
• 18:54
  my website. I'll put the link or URL,
• 18:58
  whatever it's called, where I'll be sharing blogs on motherhood,
• 19:03
  Wellness, and just everything in between.
• 19:06
  Thank you for every download, every comment, every message,
• 19:10
  every share, every ounce of support, even the haters.
• 19:13
  Thank you because you guys are pushing me into the algorithm.
• 19:15
  So thank you. You've given me this season.
• 19:19
  Mom gone mile. Truly wouldn't be obviously
• 19:22
  anything without you guys. So until then, go hug your
• 19:26
  babies if you have them. Call your mom, tell the people
• 19:30
  you love that you love them. And one last thing, don't forget
• 19:34
  to slow down every once in a while because like I say, these
• 19:39
  ordinary days, they're the ones we'll miss the most.
• 19:43
  So again, thank you guys for an unforgettable first season.
• 19:47
  I love you guys. I will see you in Season 2.
• 19:52
  Bye.