Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Words To Look Out For To Avoid Women Who Will Stop Liking Sex

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The Words To Look Out For To Avoid Women Who Will Stop Liking Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today we're going to talk about the words to look out for to
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  avoid women who will stop liking sex.
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  And I mean some. I mean you.
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  Possibly there are some men that use these words as well.
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  If so, definitely they do not are not going to like sex.
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  So before we get to that, let's just do our usual subscription
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  Beg or I beg you to subscribe, because subscription is
• 0:38
  wonderful. You get 150, almost 150 extra
• 0:41
  episodes. The most recent one was why your
• 0:44
  spouse keeps sending you memes and videos that you do not care
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  about and why and how to think about this differently for the
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  sake of your relationship. Okay.
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  So what are the words to look out for?
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  I've already talked about in a different podcast the words to
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  look out for so that you don't marry somebody anxious because
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  these are the 2, by the way, that guys don't like.
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  They don't like no sex or low libido or, you know, hate sex,
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  sex averse. And they don't like anxious and
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  constricted people that don't want your child to go outside or
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  to participate in activities because they might get ill or
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  they might get sick, or their feelings might get hurt, or
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  their bodies might get hurt or something might happen.
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  So these are the two main things that upset men, in addition, of
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  course, to anger and yelling. So I mean men, you know that
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  that makes sense, right? Women don't like those things
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  either. Women do not like men who yell.
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  I have a lot of podcasts about that.
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  They do not like men who are anxious, which manifests as
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  rigidity more than active fear in men.
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  And although it is fear based and women with normal libidos
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  don't like low libido men, So we, before we say anything is
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  wrong about these preferences in men, they are completely normal.
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  And women have them as well. All right, So a lot of times
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  guys tell me, oh, yeah, sex used to be good in the honeymoon
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  phase. And I'm like, Oh yeah, tell me
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  about it. Well, turns out they had, you
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  know, missionary style sex. The woman can have an orgasm
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  only in like a couple ways. One way, usually.
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  Sometimes that way doesn't even involve the man.
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  It just involves A vibrator. And basically they the sex life
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  was pretty constricted, you know, and the guy didn't even
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  realize it. But often also there are other,
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  you know, red flags besides that it was boring and constricted
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  and not a lot of variety and not a lot of exploration.
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  But the woman was grossed out a lot.
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  She was grossed out by many things and not only in bed,
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  certainly she was grossed out by stuff.
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  In bed there's women that are grossed out by any fluid.
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  They're grossed out by pre cum, they're grossed out by saliva.
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  They're grossed out by cum itself.
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  They're grossed out by sweat. They're grossed out by anything.
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  I mean, you know, or literally any smell.
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  The guy has to basically, you know, there was a scene I was
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  watching house with my kids, remember house?
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  And there was this scene where the guy, they thought he had an
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  immune disorder so he couldn't be around any germs.
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  So they had to like scrub them off really good in a shower and
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  then like put them in like the safe room.
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  That's that's like how women with a who are very squeamish
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  want the guy to come to bed at night.
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  That's what I thought, like every single germ removed by a
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  team of experts. But anywho, so you know the
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  squeamishness is a super big red flag that when her honeymoon
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  stage, hormones and adrenaline and dopamine have receded and
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  she's no longer drunk on new love and thereby more
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  uninhibited, she will be disgusted.
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  And how do women express disgust?
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  And I'll tell you something else about these words too, But how
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  do women express disgust? They say things like yucky,
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  gross, icky, EW, things like that.
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  If she says stuff like that a lot, your sex life's gonna go to
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  shit, you know? And so this is something to
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  understand. What else, though, do these
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  words point to? They point to a childishness,
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  right? So a woman who perceives herself
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  internally as kind of a little girl and grossed out by grown up
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  yucky stuff, you know, this is not going to be your ideal
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  sexual partner unless you have a fetish for this.
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  And if you do have a fetish for it, she's going to find the
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  fetish disgusting too. So it's not ever even going to
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  become one of those fun fetishes.
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  So women that are easily grossed out and say you gross, yucky a
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  lot about all sorts of things are the sexual equivalent of the
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  woman who says I'm just not comfortable with that, another
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  great hit in the sexual arena. But a woman that says I'm not
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  comfortable, I'm not comfortable.
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  I'm not comfortable. I just said this in my podcast
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  about women who won't give out their numbers on dating apps.
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  I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not comfortable with that.
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  No, I'm not saying so. Like, there's a So let's say a
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  guy, you're married to a guy and he wants to bring in 1/3 and
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  you're like, I'm not comfortable with that bullshit.
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  I mean, you know, good, like, right, Like you're allowed to
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  have preferences, especially in the tails.
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  I talk all the time about the normal distribution, right?
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  Because I had to study statistics.
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  But even before that, I learned about the normal distribution as
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  a little girl. You know, I mean, this is how I
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  guess you make a psychologist, but my father taught me about
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  the normal distribution when I was like four or five years old.
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  So the point is that it's always in my mind.
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  So if your thing that you're not comfortable with is out in the
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  tail of the normal distribution, all right, fine, Good.
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  Right. You have a leg to stand on.
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  If it's in the plus -1 standard deviation, well then that's not
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  as good anymore. You got to interrogate why you
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  have like 7 million preferences and boundaries.
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  It's like the people who can't decide where to go to dinner
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  isn't. You're eating food.
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  Who cares when you can't find something unless there is a
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  massive food allergy. I am a vegan.
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  I can find something anywhere. I'm an ethical vegan so I don't
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  want to eat an animal. I can still go to any
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  restaurant. People are like, oh you're a
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  vegan, where should we go? Look, we'll go anywhere.
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  And you know what if I had to get rice and you know,
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  vegetables, big shit, you know, who cares?
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  It's the experience. It's the experience of going out
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  to eat. So the the point is, is when
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  people have too many preferences and boundaries.
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  It speaks to rigidity, It speaks to anxiety.
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  But specifically when this is coupled with this EU gross like
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  grossed out little girl thing, then it's going to turn into
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  like when you show your penis, she's going to react like a
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  child being shown a bug, you know, or like a little girl, a
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  little girl in a party dress being shown a bug, you gross.
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  You know, whatever you think of as like a grossed out little
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  girl. And you don't need that, You
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  know, you don't need that in your life.
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  So if your wife already acts like that, well then you should
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  be in couples therapy, right? Because these women make friends
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  with other ones of these women. So just like I talked about in
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  my podcast, why do all your friends, your wife's friends,
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  have low sex marriages? Like goes to, like, that's
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  called social homophily. And so women.
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  And it's not like they all make friends with each other because
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  one of them goes into a group at a mom's group and says, hey, who
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  else is grossed out by Dick. No, that's not what happens.
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  What happens is that there's little back signals that all
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  sorts of, you know, that indicate all sorts of
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  personality types. And so honestly, the ones that
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  say you or gross or I'm not comfortable with that, they go
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  together. They're like saying, oh, we're
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  in the it's gross club, but they're saying it without saying
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  it. And then they end up together
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  and then they end up in a very kind of more anxious,
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  constricted, easily grossed out group.
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  And that becomes the echo chamber.
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  And then they're all grossed out by penises, you know, and that's
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  like, you know, that's that's representative of their general
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  frame in life. So these are the women that send
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  frantic group texts about all the things that they're anxious
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  about, you know, in terms of the child going to school and not
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  going to school and the friend drama and this and that, and
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  somebody's sick. And when are we going to get the
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  germs and all of this stuff? So, like, goes to, like, So what
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  I'm telling you is that if your wife is already like this, get
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  into couples therapy because she doesn't even know.
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  There's a different way to think about it.
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  Because sometimes we've been in couples therapy and women will
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  literally say to me, they'll be like, yeah, but all women are
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  grossed out by oral sex. And I'll be like, no, that's not
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  true at all, you know? And why do you think that and
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  this and that and whatever. And we explore it and then there
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  in a later session, it'll be like, well, until recently I
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  thought that everybody was, you know, like me.
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  So I didn't, Why should I change?
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  She's asking me just not to be like a regular person.
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  And until recently, I didn't realize there was another way to
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  be. So your wife's friends, if she's
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  an easily grossed out woman, are probably the same echo Chamber
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  of easily grossed out people and that will, you know, make her
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  that will amplify her pre-existing tendencies in this
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  direction. So why do men ignore this?
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  Well two reasons. First of all, in the honeymoon
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  stage it's not as pronounced. And second of all they have no
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  fucking idea because most men get married when they're young
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  and they have relatively little experience.
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  On average men have like I think 6 partners of women have four on
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  average six partners. You got like two of those are
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  complete drunken one night stand that you can even can't even
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  barely remember one of them you started hooking up with when you
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  were like literally 16 years old, you know, or something like
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  that. And then maybe your college
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  girlfriends or something, or some girl on vacation, Nobody
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  was giving you profound feedback on anything you feel.
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  Most men feel that they wish they had more experience, you
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  know? And a lot of women feel that way
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  as well. And so they don't know.
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  So from their perspective, if it's a pretty girl and she's
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  just kind of grossed out by stuff, well, you can't get
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  everything in life, you know? And they don't know and they
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  don't think about the honeymoon stage.
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  You should see on my page there's guys in their 20s that
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  just still think this is a fiction.
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  There's guys in their 40s and 50s who still seem to think that
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  biology and the novelty effect are are fictional, you know, and
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  that this is just something that women are inventing.
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  You know, it's it's crazy. And so the point being that
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  nobody can predict the future. And so that's what I'm trying to
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  help you with here. So definitely not that you can
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  predict the future, but at least you could see certain variables
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  that concord with later dissatisfaction in certain
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  arenas. Now, a man who thinks anything
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  about your body is grows run away there.
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  There are very few of them, so you never have to be with a man
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  who thinks anything about your body is disgusting.
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  A man who doesn't like to go down on you.
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  I talk about this all the time. So there's probably like, I
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  don't know, 3040% of women don't like to go down on men, like, at
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  all, you know, even in the honeymoon stage, let's say.
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  And basically like 5% of men will never go down on a woman in
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  the honeymoon stage or 10% or something.
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  So then don't end up with one of them, right?
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  Statistically, you could find another one.
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  I mean, I anybody who's my client, anybody who listens to
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  me, anybody who's my friends, who I care about, I would advise
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  neither gender, right, should should end up with somebody who
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  will not give oral sex in the honeymoon stages.
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  That is a tremendous risk factor for later not wanting sex at
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  all, you know. And also if you like it, why
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  shouldn't you be with somebody who does it?
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  It's a fairly normal ask. Again, it's it's within, it's
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  right in the hump of the normal distribution.
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  You're not asking for a dungeon like you're asking for something
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  relatively normal, particularly in early stages.
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  And of course I have a podcast, lots of podcasts on oral sex,
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  most recently Why blowjobs fall off in later marriage.
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  But either way, a man that doesn't like to go down on a
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  woman or who is grossed out by any aspect you know of bodies or
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  or anything. So testosterone is protective
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  against that. Ask any woman who's ever tried
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  testosterone. You know, which is prescribed
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  for many things you know, including depression for by
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  functional medicine doctors. And if you try testosterone as a
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  woman, believe me, you'll see why Men don't give a shit about
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  anything. They have No Fear and they have
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  a high sex drive. They don't give a shit.
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  They're like honey badger compared to women.
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  So if a man with that testosterone is still grossed
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  out by something about a body despite the testosterone makes
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  you feel like immortal and like everything is sexy and like you
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  know they could sleep with anybody, then there's a real
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  problem. You know something some real
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  anti sex philosophies or anti woman philosophies or real shame
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  about bodies or phobia or OCD. Something that you don't need to
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  get involved with. So anyway, take that for what
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  it's worth. So what did you learn?
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  It's icky, it's gross, it's yucky.
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  And and what if you're a woman listening?
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  Have a lot of female listeners about half and you're like, Oh
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  my God, I say that stuff. Well, here's a challenge.
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  Why don't you try to stop saying it right?
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  It's judgmental and it's immature.
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  So, you know, I mean that's that's the truth, right?
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  Obviously. So everybody would know that,
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  like that's factual. It is literally judgmental and
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  immature. It's an immature way to say it
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  and it's judgmental. So what if you tried not to?
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  Plus, it trains your kids to be easily disgusted and to be
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  easily, you know, like it's the saying don't yuck my Yum.
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  So kids who grow up here and yucky and icky and gross,
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  they'll be the ones who go to dinner with somebody elses
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  family and they're served. The appetizers are passed around
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  and they're like you. No, gross.
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  Gross, man. Doesn't that make your stomach
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  twist to think of your kid being so rude?
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  Right. I mean, no, you don't want that
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  to be your kid. You want your kid to try things.
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  You want your kid to look at the world as as an adventure and a
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  place where they could potentially learn something new
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  that they like. Or at least would not feel a
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  visceral disgust reaction, which they have been primed to express
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  by hearing similar expressions in their family of origin.
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  So, you know, so stop saying yucky.
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  Is this the take away? If you are the one who says
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  yucky, and if you're the guy who married the woman who says
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  yucky, then understand that she was always saying yucky.
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  You were too inexperienced to understand what this port
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  tended. And if you got into couples
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  counseling, maybe she could learn that everything isn't so
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  yucky. And yucky goes into close
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  mindedness and it goes into sensory issues, quote UN quote,
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  which believe me, many people have sensory issues, but I have
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  less empathy when the sensory issues are only about touching
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  the guy. So they cuddle with the dog,
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  they cuddle with the kids, they go to fucking spin aerobics, you
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  know, spin class, they they do everything involving their body.
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  And then of course, sensory issues mean they can't touch
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  them. Now, if you're sitting there in
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  like a room by yourself shaking of fear that anybody touches
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  you, that sucks, you know, And then you got some severe sensory
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  issues that you still could work on because human beings can
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  learn and grow and practice and all sorts of things.
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  But, you know, the sensory issues that I tend to hear about
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  in couples counselling tend to be more like, I just don't want
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  to have sex, You know, I I just can't kiss.
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  I kiss the kids like I do. I hug the kids.
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  I do all these kind of things. Everybody else looks at me, is
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  totally normal, but then sensory issues stop me from having sex.
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  Now that's not the whole story. So I mean no way I even have a
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  podcast on that chronic. If chronic pain or depression
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  affects your wife in only one area called having sex with you.
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  So you could go back and listen to that one.
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  But all right, I hope you guys found this to be interesting and
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  I will talk to y'all soon. Have a great day guys.
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  Bye, bye.