Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Boyfriend/Husband Won't Do Foreplay.... AND How To Tell If Your Partner Is An Asshole

Transcript

When Your Boyfriend/Husband Won't Do Foreplay.... AND How To Tell If Your Partner Is An Asshole · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the doctor psych mom's show today,
• 0:09
  we're going to be talking about when your boyfriend or husband
• 0:11
  dismisses your need for foreplay, and this is something,
• 0:15
  you know, women right in with this fairly frequently, I have
• 0:18
  an article about it. About husband's foreplay
• 0:21
  technique is lacking. You could look that up on dr.
• 0:24
  Psych mom. And I did a post on when your
• 0:27
  boyfriend won't go down on you, which is related, of course, as
• 0:30
  I discussed going down on you is not for play for his for place.
• 0:34
  For any genital contact, you may need a refresher if you don't
• 0:38
  remember that, go back to oral sex on women or what female
• 0:41
  arousal looks like. But anyway, so we were also
• 0:44
  talking about this topic in my Facebook group.
• 0:46
  You should join my Facebook group.
• 0:47
  If you like to listen to people's stories and share some
• 0:52
  of your own and just discuss a lot of the topics that I like to
• 0:55
  discuss. So anyway, what do you do?
• 0:58
  If your boyfriend will not go? Oh, and before I get into the
• 1:02
  meat of the episode, please do of course, subscribe.
• 1:04
  Ride because if you subscribe, you can get the oral sex on
• 1:07
  women episode as well as. Let's see what was the most
• 1:11
  recent one when you have implicit rules about what you
• 1:13
  can share in couples therapy and then the next one is going to be
• 1:17
  a subscriber episode. This time I gave you three free
• 1:19
  ones before the next one. Usually it's too and I'll just
• 1:23
  decide whatever the hell. That one's going to be on the
• 1:26
  spot from whatever interesting things come up in my mind and my
• 1:30
  group, Etc. So oh and if you are in my
• 1:33
  group, of course you have some More input as to what I do.
• 1:38
  You know, as what I make videos about and podcasts and all that.
• 1:41
  Okay, so now don't marry this man, if this is a boyfriend, so
• 1:46
  a boyfriend who dismisses your need for foreplay, get out of
• 1:50
  Dodge, like you don't need this shit in your life.
• 1:52
  You could refer back to the when your boyfriend won't go down on,
• 1:55
  you just like leave. Like, if a man, that you are not
• 1:59
  even sharing a life with yet, that's in the honeymoon, stage
• 2:02
  with you, or he should because it's the first Years do if he
• 2:07
  doesn't want to touch your body to get you aroused.
• 2:10
  Why are you with him? I'll tell you why you're with
• 2:13
  him because you probably saw your mother get treated like
• 2:15
  shit, or you got treated like shit yourself and I have the
• 2:18
  most empathy for you. You grew up in a dysfunctional
• 2:20
  family and it's very hard to break those patterns.
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  And unfortunately when you grow up and you don't get treated
• 2:27
  well then you're attracted to people later in life who don't
• 2:30
  treat you. Well with the fantasy being that
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  you're going to get them to treat you.
• 2:33
  Well in ways that You could never get your parents to treat
• 2:36
  you well or away. You're going to not, replicate
• 2:40
  your mother's life, you are going to have a different life.
• 2:42
  You are going to get an asshole, but you're going to change him
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  into someone who's not an asshole.
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  I'm like what she could do with your father, the asshole, the
• 2:48
  unrelenting asshole. So I've seen this so many times
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  is so obvious. You're not going to be with a
• 2:53
  man who refuses to touch your body if you got treated.
• 2:56
  Well, I mean, come on, you know, I mean, men are begging their
• 3:00
  wives to touch their breasts, to touch their body, to kiss them
• 3:04
  too. To be in bed with them for a
• 3:06
  long time for me to make them happy and then you get this one
• 3:10
  that will barely roll over and fuck you know this is not what
• 3:13
  you deserve. No this is a this is he himself
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  probably grew up in the same kind of situation but he modeled
• 3:21
  himself after the asshole in the situation.
• 3:23
  So he likely grew up seeing a man was mean to a woman as
• 3:26
  father mean, to his mother. And now, he's mean to and
• 3:28
  dismissive of anything that requires too much of his time
• 3:31
  and his effort, he doesn't want to ever be in the In down
• 3:35
  position with you. And somehow, he's Associated,
• 3:37
  putting in too much effort in bed with being in a one down
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  position. So, there are no nice guys who
• 3:42
  refused for play. Let me tell you that much.
• 3:45
  They're just like there is not really a my video that blew up
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  on Tick Tock was there are no loving kind women that refused
• 3:54
  any physical affection. It's like, it can't happen.
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  You know? It's and I always do my my well,
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  I mean, loving and kind within the relationship.
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  They could be loving and kind. There's something, but like,
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  there's no woman who could say, I'm a loving wife.
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  I just refused to hug kiss. Touch my husband, I won't do it.
• 4:12
  Okay, there could be a loving wife who will cuddle, but it was
• 4:14
  had sexual trauma and is terrified of sex or has, you
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  know, trauma related to literally like vulvodynia or
• 4:24
  something like this, you know, vaginismus and can't have sex,
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  right? Or who is ill and can't have sex
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  or whose postmenopausal in can't have sex, but you cannot be a
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  loving wife. If you can't say, you're a
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  loving wife, you know that your husband has a physical touch
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  love language, but you just can't bring yourself to Hashem.
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  I'm in, then you're not, you're not being a loving white.
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  So very, similarly, a man who will only after being asked.
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  So it's not that he's stupid. So he could believe me.
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  Both genders can be extremely stupid and bad.
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  I have a post title, your smart spouse may know much less than
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  you think about sex. I see this every day in my
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  office, right. People say, oh it would go
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  without saying that, you know, a man would not Star Real Madrid a
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  finger into my vagina before I'm lubricated, and he must be doing
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  it to be an asshole. And the man looks at her, like,
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  she has three heads. This is what he sees in porn.
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  He thought he's doing good, he thought that was foreplay for
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  Christ's sake, you know, so he's not being stupid.
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  In this case, we're talking about a situation in this
• 5:24
  episode, where you say to your husband, your boyfriend, your
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  husband fits a boyfriend. I hope they're gone already.
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  I hope you dump them in the middle of me talking, but if
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  it's a husband that you I've said to him, oh, I think I would
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  like things to take a little longer, maybe we could do a
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  little more kissing. I wish that you would touch me a
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  little bit more than I think that I could get warmed up more.
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  And then you sent him links to my foreplay podcast or what have
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  you. And he says not, oh, I don't.
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  And this is real for all the guys listening to put women on a
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  pedestal and we can't even believe this would happen.
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  All the preoccupied attachment men.
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  There are the avoidant attachment men who say sounds
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  like a lot of work honestly. I think things should be more
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  organic. I like things to be a bit more.
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  Spontaneous why I don't think that I will be doing that.
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  And, you know, I really rather it was, you know, more like, for
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  example, this porn video. Like I show you this one like
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  here. This is what I think sex is
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  supposed to be like. So I don't really think that you
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  need or want or even kind of know what you're saying, and I
• 6:22
  don't like it either way. So we're just going to go
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  straight to the main event. And yes, there are men who say
• 6:28
  shit like that and say even worse stuff like that.
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  Like that's boring or Or, you know, maybe if you lost weight,
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  or I'm not really into into that, maybe if you look
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  different, there's all sorts of pieces of shit, right?
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  And of course, they hurt. People hurt people as they say,
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  and all of these guys, probably grew up in shit homes that I
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  feel for them, but I don't feel for the part where they're
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  acting like, you know, pretty emotionally abusive, right?
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  And so, I have obviously just has little patience for the
• 6:57
  women that invalidate men's need for sex, which I talk about all
• 7:00
  the time. I have a pod cab post about when
• 7:04
  your wife His condescending about sex or so I'm had like 15
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  of those so you could go look for any of them.
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  But anyway, so guys say this ship and if it's your husband,
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  the the next thing you should say is I really feel hurt by
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  what you just said. I'm trying to have a good sex
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  life, our sex life is lacking from my perspective.
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  I don't really enjoy myself because it never lasts for long
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  enough you know and I think that I deserve to have a good sex
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  life and So I don't want to have sex anymore unless you are
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  willing to try other things that could potentially help me enjoy
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  myself and then you don't have sex anymore until until he wants
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  to play ball. If he says well then fuck it, we
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  won't have sex. Well look, I mean then really
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  what what who are you with? Who are you with your with
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  somebody that is unkind? So perhaps you could try couples
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  counseling, Perhaps, Perhaps you just shouldn't.
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  I mean, it really depends where you are in your life as they
• 8:01
  were very many pragmatic issues if is going to go Your friend if
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  you're like, you know, I have two little kids and you're
• 8:07
  pregnant with a third and your husband acts like a dick, that's
• 8:11
  a different stage of life and you're a lot more scared to
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  switch things up and leave him. Then when you are ten years down
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  the road, right? So, and you're already back to
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  work, and you're feeling like a person again, and not so
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  dependent on him. People are at very different
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  stages. You should never tolerate
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  somebody being nasty to you, but there are situations where women
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  are going to have more courage to add Ticket for themselves and
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  others, you know, the point though, is that if you are with
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  somebody who talks down to you in this way and then expects to
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  roll over and have sex at you, because that's kind of what it
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  is and the absence of any kind of foreplay for a woman who
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  needs for play. When there isn't any then it's
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  like, you know, it feels like dancing with no music.
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  It's like, you're not even dancing at all.
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  And it's like a different activity of some sort that seems
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  to be completely divorced from sex, you know, and this could be
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  the case even if she has an orgasm because she Kind of go
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  away in her mind, she could make enough of a fantasy and if a
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  woman knows how to have an orgasm that she could give
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  herself an orgasm but has nothing to do with the man.
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  I mean, if the man refuses to engage in for play, then it's
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  really like a it's not sexy at all for for women who need a
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  warm up and this is the majority of women.
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  So anyway if your if your husband doesn't know what
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  foreplay is, then you can tell him I would like you to touch my
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  breasts. I want you to touch my face.
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  I want you to Stroke my body, I'll tell you.
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  When we're ready to move to the next thing and when he tries to
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  move the next thing you say, oh not yet, like I wanted to last
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  like this. This is great, right?
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  But if he so if he has to learn good fine.
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  Everybody has to learn something sometime, but if he says no and
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  there's some women that say, well he refuses to touch me, he
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  refuses to give me any foreplay. I've instructed him.
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  I've tried to tell him. I've tried to hit he Is he says
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  that he's just really not into that but he's really nice.
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  Otherwise yeah, really he's really nice.
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  Otherwise, I will bet you 1 million dollars that he's not
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  really nice otherwise it just doesn't it's like saying oh that
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  guy, the one that just kicked the dog.
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  Oh, he's a great guy. He just he's just like bad with
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  dogs. You know?
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  He just hit that dog and kicked the dog because, you know, he
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  has a dog thing. It's so weird, dog.
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  Thing, you just like a really great guy that.
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  No, he's not. He's not a real.
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  Ali, great guy. It's a fucking dog kicker.
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  Right? And so the guy who refuses to
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  engage in foreplay with a wife who's asking for it, it's not a
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  really nice guy, they're just not, you know and and your wife
• 10:45
  had laughs at your need for sex. She's not really nice either.
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  You know I mean she's not she's not really nice.
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  It's the truth, a person who is mean to another person that
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  behavior needs to be taken into account in the whole construct
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  of them as a person and people refuse to do this because it
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  makes them way way. Uncomfortable.
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  They love to compartmentalize because it makes it feel better
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  like that. You didn't pick somebody who is
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  abhorrent, you know, and sure they're not an entirely bad
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  person, you know. But there's only really so nice.
• 11:18
  The dog kicker can be like, right?
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  Because we still like have to average him that he's a dog
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  kicker, right? And so it's really, you know,
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  how averages really, they'll pull down the whole, the whole
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  number there, right? So, you know, he it may not be
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  the median, it may not be the mode.
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  But you know, still you have to account for giving him the dog
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  kicking score which is a zero will really pull down the
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  average of what a nice guy he is.
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  So it's the same thing with this.
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  Like there's only so nice that your husband can be if you're
• 11:47
  begging him to touch your body and he won't do it.
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  So then maybe you got a globally, you got a zoom out and
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  be like, am I in fact married to an asshole just like my parent
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  was. And the thing that I most didn't
• 12:00
  want to think about and that I didn't want to confront in my
• 12:02
  own mind, is that he really is Asshole.
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  Well, let me think what if dr. Psych mom is right.
• 12:08
  What if what, if God came down and said he is an asshole.
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  Then what other proof would I have for him being an asshole?
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  Let me think about it. Oh, and I guess he, he's kind of
• 12:19
  a dick to the kids to, you know, but that's only when he's angry.
• 12:22
  But I mean, he's kind of he's angry like, you know, most days
• 12:26
  some days. He's not, I don't remember any
• 12:29
  like right now. But I mean so, okay.
• 12:32
  So every day he's kind of angry. And I guess, I guess he's happy,
• 12:36
  but it's only when it gets to do what he wants which which he
• 12:40
  always does. Now that I think about it, when
• 12:43
  does he really do anything that he doesn't want to do?
• 12:45
  Oh, that's the times. He gets really angry is when he
• 12:48
  has to do something. He doesn't want to do.
• 12:50
  I promise you that the man who's saying I refuse to touch your
• 12:53
  breasts. And yes, there are these men.
• 12:55
  It's kind of an asshole writ large.
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  You know? I mean, that's how it is.
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  And, and when, when people are nasty to you, and they Fuse to
• 13:05
  engage in kind ways, even if you ask them to that, you have to
• 13:10
  sometimes consider the possibility that they are.
• 13:14
  Just an unhappy angry mean person who I am sure got treated
• 13:19
  like shit and that's why they are how they are earlier in
• 13:22
  their life as a kid. And I feel for them to doesn't
• 13:24
  mean you need to take their shit.
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  So if so there's more women who will and why I'm focusing on
• 13:30
  this is some women will be like oh no, no just not having any
• 13:34
  for play that. It's not a reason for couples
• 13:35
  counseling. Well a wrong that is a reason
• 13:39
  but be it's not just that it's never just that and I say the
• 13:42
  same thing to men who are like, oh my wife is really great.
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  We just never have sex like we just don't.
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  We don't because she says that should it matter to me so you
• 13:52
  know then but she's really great.
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  Oh yes, she's really great. What does she do for you?
• 13:56
  Oh for me. Oh I don't know what you do for
• 14:00
  me art. It's an interesting question.
• 14:02
  Oh but she doesn't laughter the Yeah, okay, she's a good mother.
• 14:06
  But let's talk about wife again. What does she do for you or for
• 14:09
  me? Oh well this one time she threw
• 14:11
  me a party. I mean it's funny because I told
• 14:12
  her I hate parties but you know the kids she told me.
• 14:15
  You know we should have these events for the children.
• 14:17
  I totally agree. She's a great mom.
• 14:20
  Alright yeah. But what did she do as a wife?
• 14:22
  Oh you know I mean it's she's had a rough.
• 14:25
  She's had a rough decade, you know, it's just this past I
• 14:28
  guess I'm a now. I think I maybe like 16 years
• 14:31
  that's been rough for her. So you know a lot of stress, the
• 14:34
  kids are Sixteen years old, you know?
• 14:36
  So come on man. Like your wife is a nice to you
• 14:39
  and the same exact thing with this man who refuses foreplay.
• 14:43
  He's just not that fucking nice. He just is a dick so get into
• 14:47
  couples counseling and deal with it and figure out if you want to
• 14:49
  stay with this person and maybe if they see that you're not
• 14:52
  taking their shit anymore, then they will really have the fear
• 14:55
  of God in them and maybe they could actually do the work to
• 14:58
  change and this is in any situation when you're partnered
• 15:01
  with somebody who just actually, if there was a video So in your
• 15:05
  house, a video camera, anybody watching it would be like, what
• 15:08
  a jerk. This man / woman is, if you're
• 15:11
  partnered with one of those people, you should be in couples
• 15:13
  counseling, you really should. So I hope that this was a
• 15:16
  wake-up call. That went far beyond the
• 15:18
  foreplay idea, but thankfully, everybody will have listened to
• 15:21
  it because the podcast I have with sex in the title of any
• 15:24
  sort, everybody listens to those get 1000 plus listens.
• 15:28
  Any other thing is like, you know, it's really catch as catch
• 15:31
  cat, all right, so I'll talk to you all soon, and I hope that,
• 15:34
  You enjoy this, please do subscribe.