Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Key Areas Of Compatibility In First And Second Marriages

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Key Areas Of Compatibility In First And Second Marriages · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:08
Psych mom show, this has been going pretty well so far I even
0:14
saw that I just hit 500 listens so that's great everybody who
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listens thank you so much. Please share it.
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Please like it rate it only rated if you're going to write
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it positively on Spotify and please keep listening.
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And also suggest topics, last podcast was a topic that
0:31
somebody suggested on co-parenting so I love Do
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podcast and blog post in response to suggestions anyhow.
0:39
Today I'm going to be talking about compatibility which is
0:43
somewhat of a dirty word in couples counseling.
0:46
I mean it doesn't doesn't have to be but it can be it can feel
0:49
like that because it implies that there's some innate traits
0:54
that predetermined whether people are going to have a happy
0:57
marriage or not and when you're in couples counseling, you're
1:02
really trying to Hope. That through the skills you
1:06
learn you're going to be able to make it all work out and that
1:10
it's just a matter of communication problems.
1:14
That's like a big catch all phrase that is used far too much
1:17
in my mind and couples counseling or trust issues or
1:22
resolving empathic ruptures or what have you now empathic
1:26
ruptures, by the way, are when somebody thinks something really
1:29
bad happen and in the relationship that makes them
1:32
stop trusting you and they kind of never Get it because it's
1:35
never been resolved so I can discuss that more in a different
1:38
podcast. But anyway, compatibility even
1:42
though people like to move the focus off of it and onto skills
1:47
building in couples work, sometimes as we all know,
1:52
compatibility is really the issue.
1:54
And in this episode, I'm going to talk about different types of
1:58
compatibility that I have found are really important and that
2:02
people who are single should really look.
2:04
For in terms of finding a partner that is going to be a
2:09
good fit in the long term. And I'll also talk about what
2:13
I've found to be important areas of compatibility that differ
2:16
from that that are unique to second marriages, okay?
2:20
Because sometimes those are pretty different.
2:22
You know yourself already you don't need certain things out of
2:24
the relationship but you really do need others.
2:27
So let's first, look at regular old compatibility, if you are
2:31
single of any sort, first marriage, second, marriage, In
2:34
marriage after that. Just, you know, I don't know.
2:38
You probably have more experience than I do about
2:40
marriage at that point. You can figure this stuff out.
2:42
But anyhow, let's look at important areas of
2:45
compatibility. So, first is attitudes about
2:49
gender roles. Now, this is real important
2:53
because if you think that you're going to stay home with kids,
2:56
after the baby's born, and your husband does not because he grew
3:01
up with a working mother, and he feels like you ought to be able
3:04
to balance. Everything like she did and
3:06
women are just the same as men and he's going to get mad when
3:08
you don't earn money. Then that's a good thing to know
3:11
before you get pregnant. And if you think that a man
3:17
should be big and strong and protect you and do stuff around
3:21
the house that you can't do. And your husband does not think
3:24
that because he grew up with a father who was a doctor and
3:27
never did any handy work around the house at all and didn't get
3:31
dirty. Then you know, that's going to
3:33
be that's going to lead to Problems and anything else in
3:37
between. So there's lots of ways that
3:40
different ideas about gender roles can really influence
3:44
whether or not you're going to be compatible in the long term.
3:48
Next is you'll be shocked that I'm going there but sex.
3:52
No I'm kidding. I talk about sex constantly on
3:55
this podcast and in general in my therapy sessions.
3:58
Only when people want to though I don't force sex talk on
4:01
anybody. So the importance of sex here,
4:04
Here is that this is cannot be overstated if you really think
4:10
that a marriage is based on loving healthy, sexual
4:15
relationship in which you are frequently and enthusiastically
4:18
engaging in Sex and your partner thinks, yes, that's is nice.
4:23
We had a lot of sex when we were dating.
4:25
So, you know, Trails off, that's totally normal.
4:28
My parents didn't really have a lot of sex.
4:30
I don't think they never touched each other.
4:32
That's totally fine with me. Well, You know, you can already
4:36
see, you know, the dollar bills racking up in your couples
4:39
counselors bank account. Although, if they had any sense,
4:42
they would refer you out to a sex therapist.
4:44
But anyhow, this is not going to be good for your marriage
4:47
overall, for you to think very differently about sex and it's
4:51
important. Now it's not drive, I'm talking
4:54
about importance. So as I've said Ad nauseam,
4:59
women sex drive decreases in monogamy.
5:02
So you know, you Could be a real firecracker when you're dating
5:07
then you know two years in and then even more like five years
5:11
and when you have a toddler you could have the sex drive if
5:14
you're female of like a doorknob but you could still
5:17
philosophically value, the importance of sex and say to
5:22
your partner. Oh I'm making time for it.
5:25
I'm trying to get in the mood to understand responsive desire.
5:29
You know, I had a podcast on responsive Desire by the way and
5:34
Hoping, you know that this my sex drive does come back and I
5:38
do want to still connect by hugging and kissing and I do,
5:41
you know, try to to get into the mood and get out, you know,
5:46
without the kids whenever possible because I to Value sex
5:49
now that's going to be very different.
5:51
Now this is not just women, there are men, that don't value
5:54
sex at all also and they can have a high sex drive or not,
5:59
but they don't value it as a way to bond.
6:01
And if you're a woman that does value it, as a way to bond and a
6:03
man that doesn't it value it, as a way to bond, you're going to
6:06
have similar problems, do you? So the importance of sex is
6:09
super super, super key to having a happy marriage and it really
6:14
can't be taught. I try my best and I have changed
6:17
many people's attitudes about the importance of sex such that
6:21
they can understand and empathize with their partner for
6:24
the first time, which can lead to a better sex life.
6:27
But of course all else being equal is much easier to be with
6:32
somebody that values. The importance of at the same
6:35
level as you do, whether that's a lot or a little The next one
6:39
is the importance of romance. If you are somebody, that is
6:44
like super into romance and loves cards and flowers and
6:48
little cute gift. Then you would be very happy
6:52
with my husband, but he's taken anyway.
6:55
Yes, my husband is pretty romantic.
6:57
I'm pretty romantic that always mattered to me a lot in other
7:00
relationships, that was not really present and then, you
7:04
know, or it was present. But the person didn't really
7:06
like to do it. So they were trying.
7:08
Hardest, but, you know, it wasn't their love language,
7:12
shall we say? So if you think long term, that
7:16
you are somebody who really does value things like a romantic
7:20
card or somebody who says sweet things to you, it doesn't have
7:24
to be about gifts. Obviously, somebody who sees,
7:28
you know, the sunset and thinks it's beautiful.
7:30
Somebody who calls you? Beautiful?
7:32
Somebody who really feels deeply about many things, really?
7:38
This is A code word honestly or an alternate word for a highly
7:42
sensitive person. So if it is very, you're not
7:45
going to get a real big romantic that isn't on some level, a
7:48
highly sensitive person because highly sensitive people again.
7:52
You could read the book by Elaine, Aaron or anything, on my
7:55
doctor. Psych mom website about highly
7:57
sensitive people. Highly sensitive people feel,
8:00
everything, deeply. So they're the ones who are
8:02
going to notice how beautiful you look, you know, in the
8:05
Moonlight or whatever, floats your boat.
8:08
Our people may not. And if this is super important
8:11
in making you happy, it's better to know it now than when you're
8:14
sad a decade in and it just doesn't get any better.
8:19
Fourth one is the role of extended family.
8:23
There are people that never talk about the role of extended
8:25
family and what what differences they perceive in how much they
8:33
are going to interact with extended family especially after
8:37
their kids are born. So if you are somebody that
8:40
thinks oh yeah sure we'll have a baby but we could you know if I
8:43
got a job on the other coast I could totally move and you think
8:47
that's obvious and Then your partner is like no way.
8:50
We have our kids now, so we have to live 10 minutes from my
8:53
mother because my mother has to see the baby at least every day
8:57
or week. Then you are not going to be
9:01
happy. This is a basic compatibility
9:04
issue is how much do you want your parents involved?
9:07
Did you ever watch The Bachelor that I used to write about for
9:10
Huffington Post? Well on The Bachelor frequently?
9:13
The thing that they all seem to have in common or most of them
9:16
are at least the ones that win usually they have Is the
9:19
importance of family. They all God bless them.
9:21
Seem to love. They are fully functional
9:24
families. I'm so happy for them.
9:26
Obviously many of us do not share such a delight of a fully
9:32
functional healthy, extended family of origin, but these
9:36
Lucky Bastards do. And once you have one of these
9:39
families that you want to spend a lot of time with your usually
9:42
compatible, with somebody else with a family that they want to
9:45
spend a lot of time with. So that's how these people get
9:48
all these. Gasps family, reunions, with all
9:50
these matching t-shirts, that adult children of dysfunctional,
9:53
families are like, what the f is that?
9:56
But anyhow, so that is a big thing about compatibility.
10:00
If also, if you do not want your family involved at all, you
10:03
don't think that your partner is even going to be cool with that
10:08
if they love family so much. They may always be in treating
10:11
you to invite over your family, which is really going to
10:14
irritate you. If you do not want that
10:16
connection. Okay.
10:19
So next We have. Finances.
10:26
So finances are super important because this is one of the major
10:31
reasons that people divorce is that they don't agree on money
10:33
and if you think that saving is, you know the reason for living
10:41
and your partner feels like carpet diem, seize the day.
10:45
You know, you can't take it with you.
10:48
This is going to lead to tremendous conflict, especially
10:51
once you have kids and you want to put Thing into a college
10:56
savings account and they want to spend everything at Disney World
10:59
and this is not a joke. People have wildly different
11:03
views on how to spend money. Often originates in very
11:07
different families of origin and very different family,
11:11
narratives around what we do with money and so many people
11:15
don't talk about this before. So, if you're getting anything
11:18
from this podcast, by the way, it should be.
11:20
You need to have a lot of discussions before.
11:22
You get married on sensitive topics.
11:25
Topics. Now, as somebody talks about sex
11:27
every day for a living, I can't even remember when I thought
11:31
money was a sensitive topics. It's so not sensitive.
11:33
I feel like compared to, you know, sex but many people don't
11:38
ever ever ever talk about money. They think it's embarrassing.
11:41
They think it's tacky. If this is you you got to get
11:45
over that and you have to start talking about it, openly with
11:48
any potential partner. How much you make, how much they
11:51
make, how much you want to make, how much the making money is.
11:55
Important to you. What about your retirement
11:57
goals? Somebody once wrote in a letter
11:59
to my blog, about how they wanted, their retired, partner
12:03
to be subsidizing them so that they could retire quicker.
12:07
This was just a boyfriend, not a husband and the guy said, no,
12:10
and she was very upset. Well, obviously she got too far
12:14
into that relationship without saying my goal is to live off of
12:18
your money which isn't, you know, her goal.
12:21
I think she could find other men who would do it.
12:23
I'm sure she was Pleasant and fun and attractive.
12:27
I guess you could find other guys but it wasn't him.
12:30
So they should have talked about those different viewpoints on
12:34
money way before she got to invested.
12:38
Now I told you that we would also talk about key areas of
12:42
compatibility for second marriages now along with the
12:46
ones that I previously mentioned.
12:48
Those are all still pretty important.
12:50
Although honestly the role of extended family not to be, you
12:54
know, Morbid but that really definitionally grows less
12:58
important, it grows less extended, you know?
13:01
I mean there you're not going to be worrying at age 75 about how
13:06
often your parents are going to watch the children.
13:08
I sincerely hope even in today's very child-centered climate,
13:11
that would be an anomaly so that one doesn't matter as much
13:15
attitudes about gender roles matters.
13:18
But I mean, you know, if you're like a woman who owns your own
13:21
business and you're like, 50 years old, is he going to think
13:24
you're going to become a House, you know, a homemaker like not
13:27
unless he's an idiot. So that's sort of becomes less
13:30
important. You're selecting already on that
13:33
and your profile on OkCupid or what have you, you're going to
13:37
write something like, you know, you know, female skydiver,
13:42
seeks, whatever. And he's not going to think that
13:44
you like to sit at home and knit for him.
13:47
So attitudes about gender roles still important, but really
13:50
self-explanatory. By that point, the importance of
13:53
sex is super important. Still even more important,
13:56
probably. Because in a second marriage,
13:59
you're not necessarily having kids.
14:01
So, I'm looking at the more common second marriage, there's
14:05
people that get married really young and then they get divorced
14:07
and they get married again. And then that second marriage is
14:10
really the primary marriage in which there's children, but I'm
14:13
not really talking about those people.
14:15
I'm talking more about the ones I see in my practice that have
14:20
had a first marriage where they have the children and then the
14:22
second marriage comes after and it's not Expected to have any
14:25
mother. Any other children if they do
14:27
that's fine. But that's not the not one of
14:29
the key motivators. So in this case the importance
14:32
of sex is even stronger because you are this companionship and
14:40
connection is the key reason. It isn't to build a family.
14:44
Yeah, you're going to build a family but your closeness is a
14:49
reason in and of itself to be together.
14:51
So, sexual compatibility is super, super important for this.
14:55
Can marriage, the importance of romance is still very key.
15:01
Again, as you get older, this is easier to spot.
15:05
If somebody is not very romantic, you're already going
15:07
to know and by like the second date or something like that.
15:13
So finances are important but they were independent when you
15:17
met your second partner so it's kind of easier to keep it that
15:21
way than it is when you're young and you're idealistic and you
15:24
you know, merge finances, right away.
15:26
You also have a whole history of kind of stories of how this
15:30
person prioritizes money as an adult.
15:33
That can make you understand real quick whether or not you're
15:35
going to be compatible in that Dimension, one that comes up
15:40
more for second marriages that I didn't say in the first.
15:42
First was retirement plans. So people have really wildly
15:47
different views of what they think life is going to be like,
15:50
when they retire and this is something that you should talk
15:53
about relatively soon as you're dating.
15:56
And you're, you know, after divorce, somebody who wants to
16:00
work and work until they're 75, is going to be very different
16:04
from somebody who wants to retire as early as possible and
16:07
travel, they're going to have different expectations for for
16:11
everything, including You know, how money is saved or spent and
16:17
I mean, how much fun versus obligation people are supposed
16:21
to have in their life, how much meaning they find and work
16:24
versus other activities. So this is a super important
16:27
conversation to have, I mean yeah, young people can have it
16:30
but when you're 20 thinking about retirement, I mean it's
16:33
really nonsensical, it seems like it would never happen.
16:37
However, when you're around 40, you know, it seems like it can't
16:40
get there soon enough sometimes. So this is when you should be
16:42
Talking about it. Now, the next one that is
16:46
important for second marriages. From what I see is health and
16:50
fitness compatibility. There are a lot of people that,
16:53
you know, after they have young kids, they decide to get back
16:56
into shape and this can be, you know, really a big outlet for
17:01
them. And I'm talking about men to, I
17:03
mean, men have little kids and that's kind of all that they're
17:06
doing nowadays. Men do a lot of childcare, but
17:09
after people get out of the baby whole, they, you know, either.
17:12
Either decide to focus on their health and fitness or they
17:15
don't, you know. And if you're one that does
17:18
coupled with one who doesn't, this means you're going to have
17:20
real different ideas for how you're spending vacations.
17:23
How you're spending weekends, what time you get up, whether
17:26
you go out drinking the night before it.
17:28
I see a lot of incompatibility issues arise when people are
17:34
dating after divorce, and they are somebody who really hates to
17:39
exercise coupled with somebody who really loves to exercise and
17:42
they're trying to Kind of crowbar themselves together, but
17:46
why this is a massive area of incompatibility.
17:50
You are never going to be somebody who likes to get up and
17:52
bike at 5 a.m. if you're somebody who liked to go out
17:56
until 11 p.m. and then lay in bed until 10:00 a.m. on the
18:00
weekends that you don't have the kids.
18:02
So I say don't try to make this work.
18:05
If it doesn't seem to you like you're really going to be
18:09
compatible in this area. People love to work out.
18:12
Out and with their spouse in their second marriages, this is
18:16
like a major source of fun and compatibility for a lot of
18:19
people. So if you are somebody who
18:22
really, really values health and fitness, and I mean it's the
18:26
same for food, you know? So if you are somebody who is
18:29
into healthy eating coupled with somebody who doesn't, that's
18:33
really not going to last in the second marriage.
18:35
A lot of what you guys do is going to be cooking and eating
18:39
as children get older. Leave the house Etc if you're
18:41
not compatible What do you like to eat and cook and eat and
18:45
where you like to go? It's hard.
18:47
It does any of this stuff mean that?
18:49
You should definitely say no to mr.
18:51
Perfect. Who isn't vegan?
18:53
Like you are. No.
18:55
But I'm just saying what I learn about compatibility, that may
18:58
help you to make a decision when you are on the brink of deciding
19:03
what to do about in on incoming potential partner.
19:06
And the last one is socializing. So if you are huge, extrovert,
19:11
you love to socialize. You are planning a real
19:14
difference, second half of your life then a guy or a woman who's
19:17
a massive introvert. So this is going to become even
19:22
more Salient. As the children are older out of
19:25
the house and then what do you do?
19:27
You could be a couple that entertains every weekend and
19:30
flits from social activity to social activity, or you could be
19:34
some, you could be a couple that mostly stays at home.
19:36
And if you are going to be fighting about this, why not
19:40
just meet one of the other? Of the universe.
19:43
That is an extrovert /. Introvert like you.
19:46
That is a lot easier than trying to fit a round peg into a square
19:49
hole and now I briefly alluded to this before.
19:53
But again, none of these rules are hard and fast but what they
19:56
are can be guidelines. When you are trying to assess,
20:00
whether you can really see a life with somebody.
20:03
If you're deeply in love with somebody.
20:06
None of this is gonna matter. You really aren't even listening
20:09
to this podcast. Probably people in love.
20:11
Don't really listen to podcasts. On assessing compatibility, they
20:14
are just having fun being compatible with somebody on
20:18
deeper Dimensions than maybe even these.
20:20
But for people who like, to think about what to let's say,
20:24
like like think about it, like this.
20:26
What if you have a dating profile and you're wondering
20:28
what to highlight, some of these characteristics are pretty
20:32
major. So if you are a huge extrovert
20:35
then put that in there, somebody's going to love that.
20:38
And the person who is a major introvert may not love it and
20:42
therefore You've already edited out somebody that you may not be
20:45
super compatible with, especially for, again the second
20:49
half of your life when you have a lot more free time a lot more,
20:53
no child time to do things that you want to do, if you want to
20:58
go to parties and this person, never does that.
21:01
Maybe an ongoing source of stress and discontent.
21:06
So before I sign off I did want to address one question that I
21:10
get which is how much can somebody change on one of these
21:14
Dimensions. Well the answer is it depends on
21:16
the person people especially people that are post-divorce
21:21
looking for their soulmate to spend the rest of their life
21:24
with that were in an unhappy marriage originally.
21:28
So this is my post-divorce clients who are looking for
21:30
second marriages people for the right person they could they
21:34
could be a lot more flexible. This is why a lot of people come
21:37
in to therapy by the way after divorce.
21:39
They've been told that their rigid and inflexible by their
21:42
ex-spouse and, you know, like they want to work on that
21:45
because nobody wants to be with that kind of person and they do
21:48
want to find somebody else. So if you know that you could be
21:51
rigid and inflexible, then yeah, you could try to grow and change
21:54
on any of these Dimensions. People evolve all the time.
21:58
So I didn't think people could change and grow.
22:00
I'd be in the wrong profession. So I deeply believe people can
22:04
change and grow. Ever as we said there are things
22:10
where people are wired differently and extrovert is
22:12
just wired differently than an introvert.
22:14
Can an introvert, they'll make a real good faith effort to have
22:18
fun at parties. Yeah, they can of course, can
22:21
somebody who isn't into extended family, try to work on being,
22:27
you know, more open and receptive to their Partners
22:30
family. Yeah, of course, people can
22:33
change and grow all the time. However, there are certain
22:37
Dimensions that are a lot easier when you are on the same kind of
22:44
on the same place on the graph for romantic or highly sensitive
22:52
or for extrovert introvert. Or you can't really make
22:56
somebody into a marathon runner. If they're, if they really don't
22:59
even value it, that that is really the key.
23:01
What I just said the person has to at least value if you go on a
23:05
first date, Date with a woman and you're a marathon runner and
23:07
she's like, oh my God, that's so cool.
23:09
I really kind of always wanted to do that but you know, I don't
23:12
know. I just never never could figure
23:14
it out. Yeah, look, maybe this is the
23:16
person that is going to start running or walking with you, or
23:20
at least cheer for you at the marathon.
23:22
But if you go on a first date and you're like, I'm a marathon
23:24
runner. And the woman is like, well, you
23:26
know, I can never really understand why somebody would
23:30
spend all that time. Just running kind of reminded me
23:33
of Forrest Gump. Well then I I mean, this is not
23:36
the woman for you. So if anybody does as a rule
23:41
condescend to your major likes dislikes, personality
23:46
preferences, Etc. Then that is not the person for
23:49
you so you can refer back to my post.
23:54
Like I have just wrote a post like why do you think it would
23:56
be not will be impossible to get somebody better than your
23:59
partner? This is for the situation when
24:01
somebody's not happy with their partner.
24:02
There's some people who think that they only deserve have to
24:06
be with somebody who kind of treats them like shit.
24:08
You don't. So if you are somebody who's a
24:11
marathon runner, you don't deserve to be with somebody who
24:13
doesn't think it's important. If you are an extrovert, you
24:16
don't want to be with somebody who condescends to that and
24:19
thinks that your superficial. So you would least want somebody
24:22
who respect and validates your way of life, even if they're not
24:27
exactly the same. So, that would be the ideal.
24:31
If you can't get somebody who is another marathon runner, then
24:35
get the person who's supportive to the marathon runner.
24:38
All right. That's my PSA on that and I hope
24:42
you enjoyed this podcast and I hope everyone has a great day.
24:46
Bye guys.