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Grace · Understanding Yourself: A Framework For Change

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Understanding Yourself.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Ben Lemmon.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is a collection of stories, ideas,
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: and conversations designed to help us better understand ourselves
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: and maybe experience life a little differently.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is the 10th and final episode of season one.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Over the course of this season,
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've shared stories about recovery,
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: relationships,
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: attention,
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: human worth, faith,
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: forgiveness, and some of the experiences that have changed the way I see my life.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is the final episode about Grace.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And in a lot of ways, it feels like the right place to end.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Grace.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Years ago, I was forced to read a book by Tia Melody for a class.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Melody did a lot of work around addiction, trauma, and relationships.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And in the book, she described abuse as anything less than loving.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: The first time I read that I thought it was obnoxious.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: The second time I read the book I remember thinking,
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: well by that definition we've all been victims of abuse and we've all been abusers.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't until the third time I read it that something really hit me.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: We've all been victims and we've all been abusers.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: We've all had people be less than loving toward us and we've all been less
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: than loving toward other people.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Today, when I find myself being less than loving towards someone,
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm much more interested in what is going on inside of me.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: What has me disconnected from God?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: What has me disconnected from love?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: What is going on inside of me that has made me unable to be the person I actually want to be?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Over the past several months, I've been thinking a lot about grace.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm preparing to get married early next year,
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: and I found myself reflecting on my life,
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: the people God has placed in it, and the impact they've had on me.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I keep coming back to my friend Peter.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: What's interesting is Peter died more than 10 years ago,
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: but I don't think I really started understanding the impact he had on my life
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: until four or five years ago.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: In some ways,
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think Peter has a greater impact on my life today than he ever did
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: when he was alive.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: When I met Peter, I was 25 years old.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: He was 77.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was addicted to heroin.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I had four probation officers.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I went in and out of incarceration.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And when I wasn't incarcerated,
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: there was a pretty good chance I was homeless,
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: in a treatment center, or living in some type of sober living facility.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Peter was a Jesuit priest who had been sober longer than I had been alive.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was agnostic and had no real interest in sobriety.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was, however,
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: very interested in avoiding incarceration and smart enough to understand
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: the correlation between the two.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I first met Peter shortly after being released from a period of incarceration
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: and entering a treatment center in Cincinnati called the Cat House.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Peter volunteered there.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: He chaired meetings and helped around the facility.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think much of Peter when I first met him.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm being honest,
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't capable of thinking about much of anything outside of myself at that point
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: in my life.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: All I really knew was that I was hurting and when I put heroin in my body, I stopped hurting.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: During my first week at the treatment center, I was in detox.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: After detox, they moved me to the residential side.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Very quickly, I noticed a handful of women who were leaving the facility at the end of the day.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I learned that Child Protective Services had ordered them to complete treatment
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: in order to get their children back.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I could tell you that I thought about those women or their children.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: All I saw were people who could leave the building and potentially bring heroin back inside.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I talked them into doing.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was injecting heroin inside a treatment center while telling myself I was going
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: to stop when I got out.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm being completely honest,
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't in much of a rush to get out as long as I had access to heroin.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, I did leave and was sent to a halfway house.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: On my first day off restriction, I got high again and was quickly kicked out.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: My probation officers were losing patience with me,
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: so I found another sober living facility called Charlie's Three-Quarter House.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: My first night there, they made me attend an AA meeting on site.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Peter was at the meeting.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Afterward, he walked up to me and said, Ben, I think we have a lot in common.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be your temporary sponsor.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at this 77-year-old Jesuit priest and responded,
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Peter I don't think we have anything in common.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I started walking away.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Peter told me he hated everyone in AA for his first two years sober.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: That got my attention.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: For one,
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I had grown up Catholic and apparently didn't realize priests were capable
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: of experiencing those type of emotions.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: But more importantly, I didn't think of myself as an angry person at the time.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Peter did.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently he saw enough of himself in me that he decided he was going to stick around.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like to tell you that was when everything changed.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I continued struggling for the next several years.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I honestly couldn't tell you how many times Peter drove me to treatment only for me
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: to leave and get high again.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I lied to him to get money for heroin.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I used them for rides that ultimately helped me get heroin.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: He would pay the $20 it cost at the time for me to get into detox and buy me
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: a carton of cigarettes, only for me to leave detox a few days later.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Most people in my life had stopped talking to me by that point,
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: but there appeared to be nothing I could do to prevent Peter from caring about me.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, I did get sober while Peter was sponsoring me.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I stayed sober for about eight months before changing sponsors,
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: and I began the long process of trying to repair some of the damage I had caused.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: I remember preparing to make amends to Peter.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I calculated everything I owed The cigarettes, detox,
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: lunches,
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: dinners,
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: money I had borrowed, money I had lied to him to get and then spent on heroin.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was deeply ashamed of how I had treated him,
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: and I waited until I had enough money to repay everything before asking him
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: to lunch.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: My new sponsor helped me write out what I wanted to say because I was
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: so nervous I didn't trust myself to do it without a script.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I sat across from Peter and went through all of it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledged the ways I had been dishonest,
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: the ways I had taken his love and trust for granted.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: At one point,
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I reminded him about a time I had told him I needed money for a prescription and
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: then spent the money on heroin.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Peter laughed.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I gave you money for a prescription drug and you spent it on another drug.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: No big deal.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I had spent all of this time preparing for an incredibly serious conversation.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Peter apparently had not.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: When I finished,
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: I pulled out an envelope with all the money I owed him and slid it across the table.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: He refused to take it.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: He told me to give it to people who were in the same situation I had been in.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I put the envelope in the center council of my car.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: It stayed there for almost a year.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: If I encountered someone who was homeless and needed something,
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I would reach into Peter's envelope.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: If someone needed money to get into treatment or sober living,
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I would reach into Peter's envelope.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I just kept doing that until eventually the money was gone.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then something interesting happened.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I started reaching into my own bank account.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Giving had become a practice for me because of Peter.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Peter wouldn't let me repay him with money,
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: but he did eventually allow me to give him something.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: He let me pay for our meals.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: When he could no longer drive, he let me take him to meetings and doctor's appointments.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: He let me fix his computer,
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: his phone, and whatever other pieces of technology he was struggling with.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: He allowed me to visit him in the hospital when he became sick.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And near the end of his life,
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: when he was in a skilled nursing facility,
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: he allowed me to simply sit quietly with him.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Our relationship had changed.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: He had spent years loving me when I had very little to give back.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, he allowed me to love him too.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: What's interesting about all of this is that for most of my relationship with Peter,
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was agnostic.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I had no meaningful relationship with God.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And despite Peter being a Jesuit priest, I only remember him saying the word God to me one time.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: It happened after the first truly honest inventory I had ever written.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I shared things with Peter that I was deeply ashamed of.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: When I finished, he said, God loves you despite all of this.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I still didn't believe in God, but Peter did, and for some reason that meant something to me.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Peter died more than 10 years ago.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: A few years after he died, I relapsed after six years of sobriety.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: The relapse lasted about six weeks, and I'm now eight years sober.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: My experience with recovery has been drastically different this time around.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So has my experience with God.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent much of these eight years looking at the things that have me disconnected
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: from God, from the people I love and from the person I want to be.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Fear, anger, shame, resentment, judgment, jealousy, the belief that I'm not enough.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I've slowly started to realize that maybe a spiritual awakening isn't
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: about acquiring something I don't have.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's about letting go of some of the things that keep me disconnected
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: from what is already there.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've come to believe there is nothing more important than that work.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because whatever is going on inside of me is eventually what I have available
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: to share with the world.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that has completely changed the way I understand Peter.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Peter almost never talked to me about God.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Peter allowed me to experience God.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: There appeared to be nothing I could do to prevent this man from being an expression
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: of God's love in my life.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't believe Peter did that because he was trying to convert me.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think he kept showing up because he believed
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: that eventually I would become Catholic,
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: believe what he believed,
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: or turn into someone he could point to as evidence that all
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: of his effort had paid off.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think Peter was an expression of God's love for the simple joy of being
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: an expression of God's love.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he had spent enough time looking at the things inside of himself
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: that separated him from love and had let enough of them go
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: that love was increasingly what he had left to share.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I can't know exactly what was happening inside of Peter, but I know what I experienced from him.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Grace.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the older I get, the more I understand how powerful that experience can be.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent much of my career trying to help people change.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Early on, I tried to emulate the counselors who had the greatest impact on me.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Many of them were incredibly direct, firm, and sometimes harsh.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed them.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't dare suggest that my approach today is somehow better than theirs.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: But eventually I realized their approach wasn't mine.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: At my core I'm pretty soft.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sensitive.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think about things endlessly.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I want to understand people.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently even when I need to tell someone no,
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I need to give them a 15 minute explanation about why telling them no is actually
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: an expression of how much I care about them.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I can be firm.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I can create structure.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I can hold people accountable.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm much more effective when I do those things as myself rather than
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: when I'm trying to imitate someone else.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's part of finding our gift.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I believe every person has something they naturally have available to give the world.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Something they enjoy giving.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Something that comes alive in them when they share it.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we don't need to be everything.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Human beings aren't successful because each of us can do everything ourselves.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: We need each other.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've been reminded of this in some pretty ordinary ways while preparing for my wedding.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a jewelry person.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Shopping for an engagement ring could have easily felt like a chore for me.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Instead,
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I connected with someone who loved jewelry and was genuinely excited
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: about helping me find the right ring.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Her enthusiasm made me enjoy something I otherwise had almost no interest in.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: The same thing happened while picking out scents for the wedding.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have some deep passion for cologne or perfume,
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: but the person helping us did, and I could feel it.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: There's something beautiful about watching someone share something they genuinely love.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to become passionate about jewelry.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need to become passionate about the things I'm passionate about.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I bring what I have,
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: you bring what you have,
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: and we allow each other to fill in some of what we're missing.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think I spent a lot of years believing growth meant becoming more like the people I admired.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Today I think growth has much more to do with becoming more fully myself.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Peter helped me understand that too.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: He and I were separated by more than 50 years.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was a heroin addicted 25 year old agnostic.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: He was a 77 year old Jesuit priest.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow I think Peter may have had one of the most similar souls to mine
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: of anyone I've ever met.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand that when I met him.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's another thing I've learned.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding often comes later.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not long ago I had an experience that brought all of this back to me.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm part of a prison ministry,
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: and I had mentioned that work in a podcast episode I recorded
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: about human worth called The Thing I Never Lost.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I shared the episode with the woman who runs the ministry,
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: and after listening to it she asked me if I would speak at one of their events.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I ended up standing in front of a room telling them about Peter,
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: more than ten years after he died.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Peter could not possibly have known when he drove me to another treatment center,
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: bought me another carton of cigarettes,
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: or sat across from me at lunch that one day I would be standing at
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: a prison ministry event telling people about what he taught me about grace.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure I could have known either.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: That prison ministry has also given me the opportunity to correspond
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: with someone who's incarcerated.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I write him letters, and I have no idea what those letters ultimately mean to him.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they mean a lot.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they don't.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe something I've written will occur to him years from now.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Grace doesn't seem particularly interested in that arrangement.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Grace gives.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Years ago, a sponsor told me about his son who died as a result of addiction.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: When his son was struggling, everybody had an opinion.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Some people told him he wasn't doing enough.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Other people told him he was enabling him.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: After his son died, he told me what ultimately brought him some peace.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: He knew in his heart that he had done everything he could to help his son.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: I've carried that story with me for years.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I use it sometimes when a client wants to leave treatment against clinical advice.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: By the time we're having that conversation, I've usually said everything there is to say.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't try to scare them or convince them that I somehow know what they're supposed
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: to do with their life.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I tell them that story, and then I tell them something that's probably a little strange.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're having this conversation for me.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because if they walk out the door,
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I need to know in my heart that I did everything I could to help them.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: It works less than half the time.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: I've had a few people leave anyway and come back within 24 hours.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Others leave and I don't know what happens.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I always feel better after having the conversation.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's part of grace too.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't control what someone does with what I give them.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I only control what I have available to give.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the most beautiful things about the way I understand God today is that
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: if I die and somehow find out I was wrong about all of this,
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I'm going to feel like I wasted my life.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Living this way has already given me a beautiful life.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: My mind is quiet.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: None of these ideas are new.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't discover human worth.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't discover forgiveness.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't discover that our beliefs influence the way we experience our lives.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't discover that what we repeatedly give our attention to changes what we notice.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: I certainly didn't discover God.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've just had experiences with these ideas, and I've tried to give those experiences language.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's what this project has become for me.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not in an attempt to convince anyone that I have the answers.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Clients sometimes look at me like I have the answers.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Staff occasionally do too.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: They should spend more time with me.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: My life seems to move through seasons.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: There are seasons when I'm learning, I'm listening more, I'm receiving.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Someone enters my life where I have an experience
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: that shows me something I couldn't previously see.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Then there are seasons when I find myself teaching what I've learned.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've discovered that teaching may be one of the best ways for me to reinforce the learning.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Then eventually life starts to feel a little stale.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: For years when that happened I would try and recreate an old experience.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I needed to do 90 meetings in 90 days again.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I needed to reread the book that changed my life.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I needed to go back through the steps exactly the way I had before.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with any of those things.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: But an old experience isn't a new experience.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've started to recognize those periods differently.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm not doing something wrong.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's simply time for me to become a student again.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where I find myself now.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm preparing to get married.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: I have no idea what the next several years of my life are going to teach me.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know exactly what understanding yourself becomes from here,
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: and strangely I'm okay with that.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent this season sharing some of what life has taught me.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now I think I'm entering another season of learning.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'll come back next year with new stories,
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: new questions, and a few things I understand differently.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I hope so.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because if Peter taught me anything,
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: it's that we don't always know what we're giving another person
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: while we're giving it.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the person receiving it doesn't understand either.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the person who gave it isn't even here anymore
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: when we finally understand what they gave us.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: But love has a way of continuing.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Peter gave me an experience of grace before I had any language for it.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually grace became something I wanted to give away too.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's enough.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: To keep identifying whatever has me disconnected from love.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: To keep letting go of what I no longer need to carry.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: And to share what's left.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I know where it will go.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I know what it will change.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I need anything back.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: For the simple joy of being an expression of God's love.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Grace.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for spending this time with me,
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: and thank you for spending any part of this first season
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: with Understanding Yourself.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think this essay probably says what I've been trying
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: to say throughout this entire season better than I could summarize it here.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't discover any of these ideas.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've just had experiences with them, and I've tried to give those experiences language.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: For the last several months,
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in a season of sharing some of what life has taught me,
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: and now I think I'm ready to become a student again.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting married.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Life is changing.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, don't know what understanding yourself becomes from here.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: For probably the first time in my life, I'm pretty comfortable not knowing.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I come back with new stories,
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: new questions, and maybe a few things I understand differently.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: But for now, I think this is a good place to stop.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for reading.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you for allowing me to share some of these experiences with you.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: Until next season, keep asking better questions and keep understanding yourself.