Latest / The Daily Sarcast / November 5th, 2026: Alaska's Confusing Race, Bob Dylan Meets With The Pope And Things I've Learned Living In NYC

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November 5th, 2026: Alaska's Confusing Race, Bob Dylan Meets With The Pope And Things I've Learned Living In NYC · The Daily Sarcast

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  Are you a good person, but have bad credit? Do you need money,
• 0:04
  but don't particularly feel like paying it back?
• 0:07
  Introducing Good Person Loans, the first lending company that determines whether
• 0:12
  you have to repay your loan based entirely on your quality as a human being.
• 0:16
  Forget credit scores, income verification, and employment history.
• 0:21
  At Good Person Loans, your character is your collateral.
• 0:24
  So here's how it works. You apply for a loan of up to $100,000.
• 0:29
  And then instead of checking your financial history, Good Person Loans conducts
• 0:33
  a comprehensive investigation into whether you're a good person.
• 0:37
  Do you return your shopping cart? Do you tip at least 20%? Have you ever helped
• 0:42
  someone move without complaining?
• 0:44
  If you can answer yes to all of those questions, then your loan will be forgiven.
• 0:49
  But have you ever caught someone in line? Left your dog shit on the sidewalk?
• 0:54
  Or told someone you were five minutes away when you haven't even left yet?
• 0:58
  Well, unfortunately, you're going to have to pay that money back.
• 1:01
  And for truly terrible people, there's interest.
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  And the best part? There's no monthly payments, no hidden fees,
• 1:08
  and no need to prove you can afford the loan. Just prove that you're not a piece of shit.
• 1:13
  Good Person Loans, because good people deserve free money, and bad people should have to pay for it.
• 1:19
  Good Person Loans reserves the right to re-evaluate your character at any time.
• 1:23
  Being nice to your waiter does not cancel out being horrible to your mother.
• 1:26
  All loans are subject to random morality checks, and anyone who describes themselves
• 1:30
  as an empath is automatically placed under investigation.
• 1:34
  As a Nepo Baby, I'm an expert on all Nepo Baby matters. Thank you.
• 1:39
  Meghan McCain Insert theme song here.
• 1:42
  This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and maybe you'll laugh.
• 1:46
  I'm Lindsay Vernick and today is November 5th, 2026.
• 1:50
  Guys, I have my second comedy show ever tomorrow night at the Booth Room at
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  8 o'clock, so please come by.
• 1:58
  I actually need you to come by because I can't perform unless I have one guest,
• 2:03
  so please let me know if you're able to come.
• 2:06
  I will be talking about all of the things that I cannot talk about on this podcast.
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  So it's going to be a super fun show. I think it's only like an hour and a half
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  or something and my friend Beryl will be performing too. She's super funny.
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  So let me know if you need the deets.
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  In real news, so Alaska is still trying to figure out who won its Senate election.
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  The reason why they're still trying to figure it out is because two of the candidates
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  have the exact same name. Like, not kidding.
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  So Republican Senator Dan Sullivan was running for re-election against Democrat Mary Patola.
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  But there was another candidate named Dan Sullivan that was running for election, too.
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  So one is already a U.S. senator, and the other one is a retired schoolteacher
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  who is running for senator, too.
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  So now Republicans are accusing the Democrats of getting people to vote for
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  the second Dan Sullivan, specifically
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  to confuse people into voting for the wrong Dan Sullivan when they really meant
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  to be voting for the guy who's already senator.
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  And of course, the Democratic Dan Sullivan's team is like, we did no such thing.
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  Like, we're not trying to confuse anybody.
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  But that has now led to some investigations because it's like,
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  wait, hold on. Could you actually guys be doing this?
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  But here is where it gets interesting. So as of yesterday, Mary was ahead of
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  Senator Sullivan by fewer than 700 votes.
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  But then the other dan sullivan received about 3 600 votes so now everyone was
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  like wait did people accidentally vote for the wrong dan sullivan.
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  And alaska uses ranked choice voting so people rank who they want in order like
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  you're not just voting for somebody like you're ranking your preferred candidates
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  which means that you could vote for dan sullivan first and dan sullivan second.
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  So this election might not be decided until November 18th when Alaska conducts
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  its ranked choice tabulation and see who people really voted for and get into
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  the nitty-gritty of it all.
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  This is why middle initials are important. They can determine the future of
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  the United States Senate.
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  Unless, of course, they both have the same middle name, which doesn't make it
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  easier. But I have no idea what middle names they have.
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  Our president finally addressed the Republicans' massive election loss yesterday
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  by showing everyone his new ballroom.
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  So less than 24 hours after Democrats won control of both the House and Senate,
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  Trump invited reporters to the White House, where he spent nearly 20 minutes
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  talking about a $600 million ballroom renovation.
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  Like so much for not liking the press, he talked about the marble floors,
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  the underground kitchen, the security features, and even signed a steel beam.
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  His party just lost control of Congress, and he's talking about his marble floors.
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  But then, finally, the reporters did get him to talk about the election.
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  And Trump was like, well, if I was on the ballot, Republicans would have won.
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  But he did also spend months telling people to pretend that he was on the ballot,
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  which is, like, a little bit ironic there.
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  Meanwhile, Vice President J.D. Vance had a slightly different explanation on why they lost.
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  In a very long post on X, Vance blamed the loss on the ongoing war with Iran.
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  He did acknowledge that people are frustrated with inflation,
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  the cost of living, and America's relationship with Israel.
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  And when Trump was asked about Vance's tweet, or post on X, or whatever you
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  want to call it, Trump was like, well, that's pretty much true.
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  He also said that if he had to make the decision to go to war again,
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  he would do it all over again.
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  But at least Trump does have some good news. Like, he lost the House and the
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  Senate, but he did get some beautiful marble floors.
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  Bob Dylan met with Pope Leo at the Vatican yesterday, but nobody told him that
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  he was going to be meeting the Pope.
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  So Bob Dylan, who's now 85 years old, shows up wearing a black hoodie with the
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  hood up because he couldn't bother to be taken down, a black jacket,
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  a baseball hat, leather gloves, and a loosely tied necktie.
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  I guess he just tried to throw that on beforehand.
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  But if you look at a photo of the two of them together, you'd be like,
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  why is the paparazzi on the other side of the camera and posing with the Pope?
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  But the Pope was still dressed like the Pope, because, you know, he's the Pope.
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  And they met privately at the Vatican's palace area, and they exchanged gifts.
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  So the Pope gave Bob Dylan a rosary, and Bob Dylan, of course,
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  gave the Pope a copy of his autobiography.
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  Apparently, the Pope is, like, a huge Bob Dylan fan. I mean, who isn't?
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  He quoted one of Bob Dylan's anti-nuclear protest songs in a book earlier this year, too.
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  And Bob Dylan is there because he's currently touring through Italy and he has
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  a concert tonight actually in Rome which actually could be happening right now
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  depending on what time you're listening to this,
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  but yeah Bob Dylan is 85 years old and he's just still on a world tour,
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  doing shows in Rome meeting with the Pope.
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  And I was just exhausted after going to hot yoga on the Upper East Side yesterday.
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  In Lindsay life, I have officially learned the name of every single person who
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  works at the unemployment office.
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  Like, that's literally how often I'm calling them.
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  I know Cindy is trying to buy a house, and Lucy works in two different departments.
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  Jeff definitely knows the most and definitely the most helpful.
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  It can definitely calm me down the most.
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  But I also like Josh, and I think that he's definitely hot, even though I have
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  no idea what he looks like.
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  And yes, this is literally all very too true.
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  I know so much about these people that I feel like I work there,
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  only I'm not getting paid. And it's kind of ironic considering the reason I'm
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  calling is because I'm unemployed.
• 8:14
  Five things I have learned about New York City after living here for a few years.
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  So now that I've lived in New York City for a few years now,
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  I've learned a lot about myself, other people, and how inconvenient it can be
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  to live on an island that's only 13 miles long.
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  For starters, anything that is more than a mile away is very, very far.
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  Like, I'll get notifications from Citizen, and I'll be like, in your area.
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  And it'll tell me something that's going on in Astoria that's less than a mile away.
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  But Astoria is, like, basically in another state to me. Like,
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  I don't need to know. That's not close to me, really.
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  Like, being close to me is like being within, like, the same neighborhood.
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  And speaking of that, going anywhere outside of your neighborhood is just shit.
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  Like, before I moved here, I'm like, oh my god, New York City,
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  like, so easy to get around. Like, no problem to get anywhere,
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  right? Like, if you're getting invited to Brooklyn, like, no problem at all.
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  But now if I need to go to Brooklyn, like, I need to prepare,
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  like, very well in advance.
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  Like, going from the Upper East Side to the West Village is,
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  like, more effort sometimes than just going to LaGuardia.
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  And speaking of the West Village, you must be dressed appropriately to go there.
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  You cannot show up there in joggers and looking like you just run out to get some milk and eggs.
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  Like if you go there, you need to be so ready to the point where like if anyone's
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  going to be taking a photo of you at any second, like it's going to look great. It's a whole scene.
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  And also, you need to stay the fuck away from Times Square.
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  Like, there is absolutely no reason to go to Times Square unless you have tickets
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  to a Broadway show, work there, or are being held against your will.
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  And even then, I would consider my options. You cannot leave your apartment
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  without spending $100, and I know that it's probably you too if you don't live in New York.
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  But, like, I'm not kidding. You literally can just walk down the street and
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  somehow you just lose $100 on something.
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  But overall I realized after living in the city for a couple years that while
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  I really don't have my life together at all,
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  I actually have my life a lot more together than some other people do,
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  like I've spent a lot of time thinking that I'm an absolute mess but then I
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  go outside and I spend at least like 20 minutes out there and see and talk to
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  some people and I'm like oh wow okay all great.
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  I'm doing a lot better than you are. Okay, I'm doing a lot better than I once thought.
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  Cooking tip of the day. When they say that you need to cut against the grain
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  of your steak, just cut your steak. It doesn't matter. Just cut it.
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  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date?
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  Email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com. Thank you so much for listening,
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  and hopefully I will see you tomorrow night at my show.