Latest / Doing Marriage Well / Why Being Nice Is More Powerful Than You Think

Transcript

Why Being Nice Is More Powerful Than You Think · Doing Marriage Well

• 0:00
  Doing Marriage Well for October 22, 2026 Why Being Nice is More Powerful Than
• 0:06
  You Think I suspect many people think being nice to each other is too simple to be of real help.
• 0:12
  I can hear them thinking, we have big problems that being nice won't fix.
• 0:16
  I can assure you being nice won't make your problems worse. Additionally,
• 0:20
  it will help, for a sneaky reason.
• 0:22
  In order to be nice to your spouse, you have to change some ways of thinking,
• 0:26
  and that will change other things.
• 0:28
  Here are some of the things that happen when you start being nice or nicer to your spouse.
• 0:32
  First, you have to decide they deserve you being nice to them.
• 0:36
  If things are bad, that may be a significant hurdle.
• 0:39
  If that's where you are, your spouse is probably not getting the benefit of
• 0:42
  the doubt or being seen as good-willed.
• 0:44
  And that closes you off to each other. It means they feel no reason to change,
• 0:49
  and it means you would likely not see it if they did change.
• 0:52
  Deciding they deserve nice may result in you acknowledging something nice they did for you recently.
• 0:57
  Or perhaps how they used to be nice Little acts of kindness are disarming,
• 1:02
  Being kind releases feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine While lowering
• 1:06
  stress hormones such as cortisol This changes how you feel and think in a way
• 1:11
  that can only help your relationship,
• 1:13
  Being nice to your spouse makes them feel safe That makes it easier to say,
• 1:18
  I was wrong, I'm sorry, or I forgive you,
• 1:21
  When you're being nice, mentioning something you dislike is better received
• 1:25
  It's not seen as more of the same frustration or ugliness.
• 1:29
  And that makes it more likely your spouse will consider what you say Psychologists
• 1:33
  at the university of oregon go ducks I've shown people tend to reciprocate each other's behavior,
• 1:38
  So when you're nice to your spouse, they will be nicer to you Or at least less
• 1:42
  defensive depending on where your relationship currently stands,
• 1:46
  Be kind even when you don't feel like it If you can't convince yourself your
• 1:50
  spouse deserves it then do it because your marriage deserves it This is Paul,
• 1:55
  and choosing kindness is doing marriage well.