Latest / The Kink Consultant / Ep 22 - Kinky vs. Vanilla: Can Your Relationship Survive the Difference?

Transcript

Ep 22 - Kinky vs. Vanilla: Can Your Relationship Survive the Difference? · The Kink Consultant

0:07
Welcome to Quick and Clinky, where we take your burning
0:09
questions about kink, relationships, and everything in
0:12
between and break them down into bite sized answers.
0:15
Let's dive in. One of the most common questions
0:24
that I get every week during my Ask Me Anything is what do you
0:28
do if you're kinky and your partner is vanilla?
0:31
I want people to understand just because you're kinky, it doesn't
0:33
make you a freak. You're not a weirdo for being
0:35
kinky. It's just a different desire.
0:37
It's like, what do you do if you love cheese and your partner
0:40
doesn't love cheese? OK, You start by having a
0:43
conversation about it, right? It's sort of like, OK, I want
0:46
you to understand me and what I love equally.
0:49
I want to understand you and what you love.
0:51
I always recommend just because someone's not kinky, it doesn't
0:55
mean they're void of any fantasy or desire.
0:58
They just might have more vanilla or more romantic
1:00
fantasies or desire. So I like to ask, what are your
1:04
fantasies? What's something you've never
1:06
explored but would like to? Or what's something you've tried
1:09
in your past that you really enjoyed and you want to do
1:11
again? I like to open up the
1:13
conversation that way because I want to get my partner to start
1:17
sharing with me. The hope is that we're already
1:20
in a strong enough relationship or like my assumption here is
1:23
that you're already in a strong enough relationship to have this
1:25
type of conversation because you need to have good communication
1:29
in general to bring things like this up.
1:31
OK, so you start by asking your partner that you're leading with
1:35
curiosity and inviting them to share with you.
1:38
And this is opening up the stage for you to enter and also share
1:43
about you. The one thing I will say is,
1:45
again, I've said this on previous episodes.
1:48
This is not just your opportunity to dump all of the
1:52
information about you and have your needs met.
1:54
You're learning about your partner too, so you need to be
1:58
in this together and figuring out what you both want.
2:00
There might be some overlap even in what your kinks are and what
2:04
their fantasies and desires are. You might be able to create the
2:07
bridge between you. But overall, just make sure that
2:10
you're coming into it knowing that their fantasies, even if
2:13
they lack them or they're not able to verbalize them right
2:15
now, are not normal compared to your interest in fantasies.
2:20
They are just different. So can I just to say that before
2:23
we get into the meat of this episode, I want to give a PSA on
2:26
my personal experience of navigating this one partner's
2:30
kinky, the other partners vanilla type of relationship.
2:34
And this is just my personal experience exploring and being
2:38
in these types of relationships and talking to a lot of
2:41
different people who have had to navigate the same things as
2:44
well. A lot of times people will
2:45
introduce a coach as the last straw of like how do we save
2:49
this now? And it's already too far gone.
2:51
The moment that you realize that you and your partner's
2:54
fantasies, desires don't align, that's the moment to reach out
3:00
to a professional relationship coach, a therapist, someone who
3:04
can help you both find common ground or a bridge to start
3:08
exploring this together. This is a big thing to navigate
3:11
by yourself, and there are people out there who can help.
3:14
I'm not saying that it's going to be the perfect answer for a
3:17
kinky person and a vanilla person to make their
3:20
relationship work, but I do think it's going to make it a
3:22
lot easier to work with someone and figure out how you 2 can
3:26
find common ground. So when it's like a good time in
3:30
the relationship or even in the day for the kinky partner to
3:34
bring this up to the Videla partner or the expected vanilla
3:37
partner, I'm always going to recommend you have a
3:39
conversation. When there's not a lot else
3:41
going on, this is an important conversation to have.
3:43
Make sure there are no distractions.
3:45
Maybe you need to go out to have coffee in the car together to
3:48
have this conversation so that no one else is part of it.
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There are no interruptions, it's just you and your partner like
3:55
ready to talk and listen. In terms of where you are in the
3:57
relationship, as I said, you need to be in a place where
4:01
there is trust between you both already.
4:04
I would not recommend bringing this up during a time when trust
4:08
isn't at the forefront of the relationship.
4:10
If communication in general hasn't been that strong, this
4:13
might not be the right time to bring up this part of the
4:16
conversation. Even if it feels like fixing, it
4:19
will fix everything. Finding other ways to establish
4:22
strong communication, a belief that there is trust and both
4:26
parties want the best for each other.
4:28
That's the foundation you want to look for before you introduce
4:32
this. If you don't have it, you're
4:34
truly setting yourself up for failure because this isn't some
4:37
magic wand that's going to fix everything, even though
4:40
sometimes it can feel that way for us.
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It's like if I just had this one thing that I'm dying for, the
4:45
rest of the relationship would be fine.
4:47
This one thing you're dying for is only going to thrive with
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good communication and you need to have that in other aspects of
4:53
your life. For example, for me, it's really
4:56
important I bring this up early and yes, I put it on my dating
4:59
profiles and I do ask people if they're kinky.
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But let's say I'm on a second or third date and I haven't
5:04
mentioned it once, but I'm ready to bring it up now because it is
5:07
important. I just didn't want to mention it
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earlier. I am only bringing this up and
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I'm only going on 2nd dates actually with people who ask me
5:15
questions about myself. If I am leading the entire
5:19
conversation, it doesn't matter if I'm talking to someone who
5:22
might be sub, might be Dom, if they're not asking questions, if
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they're not engaging in conversation, if there's not a
5:29
back and forth. I already know there's going to
5:32
be no back and forth when I bring up the vanilla kink
5:34
conversation, so I don't let it get to that stage.
5:38
I'm looking for green flags in the whole person as opposed to
5:42
just whether or not we might be a kinky fit together.
5:45
Those are some of the things you need to look for in your
5:47
relationship too, even if it's really well established and
5:50
you've been dating or for a long time.
5:53
Are you in a place where you're having back and forth
5:55
conversations and both contributing to the
5:57
conversation? OK, The biggest mistake I think
6:00
people make when they're introducing a kink on my podcast
6:02
a few weeks ago from No Shame with CJ talking about this as
6:05
well. The person who is kinky has been
6:07
obsessing over it or doing all the research and thinking about
6:10
it for so long that they forget to do that simple step of
6:13
breaking it down for a partner who is totally new to it.
6:16
And I do this with my clients a lot.
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I help them break it down to its base form.
6:21
I think that one of the things you need to do when you share
6:24
your kink with someone is talk about the core desire that is
6:27
being met as you explore that kink.
6:29
For example, if you're into shibari, if you're into being
6:32
tied up or being the one doing the tying, it might be about a
6:36
sense of control or lack thereof.
6:38
OK, so say you are being tied up in a specific position.
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It can make you feel really safe and secure and not worried about
6:46
your surroundings. So that's a core desire you can
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speak to. I want to feel safe.
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I feel safe when I am tied up and that is why I enjoy rope
6:56
play so much. Equally, the person doing the
6:59
tying might feel, I like to feel in control.
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I like knowing you're not going to move and that is why I enjoy
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doing the tying. Think about it, that
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conversation would be like I really like to be tied up in
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rope and that could be the end of it because in your mind
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you're very goal oriented. You got to step back a little
7:16
bit and think, what am I trying to achieve here?
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I'm trying to feel safe. I'm trying to feel in control.
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I'm trying to feel not in control.
7:23
Start there and then layer on the kink or the interest you
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have and how it sort of fulfills that need or goal you have, You
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know, so in order to find out if your partner is open or not to
7:35
exploring it, I still think it's important to share the core
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desire that you have and you want met and then talk about ask
7:42
them like do you think you'd be interested in learning rope or
7:45
trying it out? You're just them to dip their
7:48
toe in the water. Here's how we can try this a
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little bit. Like, would you consider trying
7:55
or allowing me to just tie your wrists or tie one leg to see
7:59
what it feels like? And what you're hoping for is
8:02
yes, that they'll say, yeah, we can try it, you know, and then
8:05
you start small. If they say absolutely not and
8:09
it's the end of the conversation for them and you're just
8:11
completely shut down, I'm not going to recommend you keep
8:14
trying to have the conversation because you're going to end up
8:18
in a cyclical like in a loop of just like, OK, rejection, let me
8:22
try again. Let me try again hoping for a
8:23
different result. That is 100% one of the times
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I'd recommend you reach out to a couple's therapist, or that's
8:29
what I recommend you reach out to a sex and relationship coach,
8:32
someone who understands that desires don't always match up
8:36
and how to help progress these conversations between a couple.
8:42
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9:30
You won't be sorry. So what happens if you do
9:37
finally introduce this and your partner shuts it down
9:41
immediately? How do you handle that?
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You're going to have to sit with that for a second.
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I would not recommend being reactive or going in on them.
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Your gut reaction might be, well I'm going to attack them for
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making me feel this way. I'm going to tell them how wrong
9:55
they are for shaming me about my kinks.
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And even though that might feel really good in the moment, what
10:00
you need to do is sort of retreat.
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I want you to take care of yourself in that moment and tell
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yourself my partner said these things but that is not true for
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me. I am a whole person.
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I just have this kink and there is nothing wrong with it.
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Give yourself the aftercare you deserve from being in that
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experience. Work on healing from it, and
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then go back to the table and have a conversation with your
10:24
partner about how maybe even this isn't for you.
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It's something that's really important to me and I would like
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for you to understand that this is something that I am going
10:33
through or thinking about right now.
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I'd like to have a conversation about it.
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So yes, you can try and have that conversation again, but you
10:41
have to approach it from a healed place and these
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conversations are difficult. So if you need a little bit more
10:47
help, I'm going to give you a few tips of how to approach
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these conversations. So as I said, my number one
10:52
thing is always lead with curiosity #2 break it down,
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break it down to its base form. So you're helping your partner
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understand the needs behind it #3 I need you to start saying on
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a regular basis for me, this is how it appears, this is how it
11:09
feels. Because you can't speak for
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everybody. You have to say, for me, this is
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what I need. This is what's important to me.
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Understand that when your partner's talking, give them the
11:19
same empathy or grace that when they're talking, even though
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they might not be using the phrase, what their meaning is
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for me, right? Because that's the only person
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they do have domain and authority over to have to
11:31
represent in these conversations.
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So get in the habit of saying for me, if you don't understand
11:36
something or if your partner says something that might offend
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you or bristle a little bit when you hear it, I'd encourage you
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to go in and dig a little bit deeper.
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Say, what do you mean by that? Or when you say that I hear this
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and then tell them what you're hearing or what is going on in
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your brain that makes you bristle or sort of brace for
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impact with what they've said. Tell them when you said that I
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heard this and I want to know, is that how you meant it?
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Because honestly, nine times out of 10, that's not usually how
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they meant it. There's something going on for
12:08
me, at least in my own brain or in my body, and I'm having a
12:12
reaction from something that happened before and I'm layering
12:16
that on. I'm projecting on what they
12:18
said. So what I say when you said that
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for me, what I heard was when you said you don't like spanking
12:25
or you think spanking's gross. For me what I heard is you think
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I'm gross for wanting it. Is that what you mean?
12:30
And then they might say no I just hated getting spanked as a
12:33
kid. So it's gross.
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And they don't mean you're gross for wanting it, just said for
12:37
them spanking as a whole feels gross.
12:40
Something I've been guilty of in the past is making my partner
12:43
feel like they weren't enough because they shared my desire.
12:46
This was especially true when I first started exploring my
12:49
kinks. And maybe they weren't into it
12:51
as much or they were trying, but it wasn't at the level I needed.
12:54
And I think I played a part in doing some damage to the
12:57
relationship by making them feel like they weren't stepping up to
13:00
the plate enough and not recognizing how hard they were
13:03
trying. That's why this conversation is
13:06
sometimes so tough for me, because I'm faced with the
13:08
mistakes I made in my previous relationships and how I had to
13:12
overcome them or work through them with partners.
13:14
Now, in hindsight, I'm glad I had those experiences so I can
13:17
help other people avoid them or work their way out of them a
13:21
little bit faster. All right, Kingster, let's talk
13:25
about pleasure. Not just mine, yours too.
13:28
If you're enjoying this episode of the.
13:30
King Consultant. I need you to do me a little
13:32
favor and I promise it'll feel oh so good.
13:36
Take a second and give this podcast a five star rating.
13:39
Just imagine your finger sliding all over that 5th star, pressing
13:43
down, giving it exactly the kind of attention it deserves.
13:47
Yeah, that's it. And you know what happens when
13:50
you do? I get.
13:51
All hot and bothered knowing you're out there showing your
13:54
appreciation. Plus, every time you leave a
13:56
review, a naughty little brat somewhere gets that spanking
14:00
they've been begging for. So be a good listener and tap
14:03
that star, won't you? Thanks love.
14:06
Now let's get back to the fun. Lead with gratitude.
14:12
It's something a lot of you have heard me say because I always
14:16
want your partner. I've even included in the
14:18
worksheet, which you need to check out in the show notes.
14:20
Lead with gratitude. Be thankful that they're showing
14:23
up for the conversation. Be grateful and thankful that
14:26
you're able to express your own needs.
14:29
And I think when you lead with gratitude, it sets you up for a
14:32
stronger conversation with your partner.
14:34
Appreciation is a habit. It's a muscle I think that you
14:37
need to work on. So if you lead with gratitude,
14:40
you're working on that muscle. You become a type of person who
14:43
sees the Silver Linings. You become a type of person who
14:45
starts to appreciate. I see the effort you're doing
14:48
speak out what you see them doing for you.
14:51
OK, So start with that. Be like, I see how much work
14:55
you've done, how much research you've done, if they have.
14:58
And that makes me feel really good and cared about, you know,
15:01
so start acknowledging their milestones, how they've been
15:05
making you feel. Because when you start leading
15:07
with encouragement like that, it's going to make them feel
15:09
better about the work they've done as well.
15:10
And they're going to think like, wow, I've been recognized for
15:13
that. Let me do a little bit more of
15:14
it. Confidence in the role of Dahmer
15:17
sub is something that a lot of people struggle with during.
15:20
Trying to tap into their sub energy and really be in that
15:23
submissive space might not always feel natural, even for
15:27
people who consider themselves 100% submissive.
15:30
Same thing for the Dom. I've heard that a lot from
15:32
dominance before. Especially if there's a lot
15:34
going on in their life, they have trouble sort of stepping
15:37
into the role. There's a lot of imposter
15:39
syndrome on both sides actually the Dom and subside.
15:43
So how do you handle when your partner might be interested and
15:47
willing to try but feeling really unsure?
15:50
I think you go through the journey with them in lockstep.
15:52
Find an educational resource together and learn together.
15:57
Figure it out, talk about what you're learning.
16:00
Just because you are the one who wants to maybe be tied up
16:03
doesn't mean you can't learn how to do the tying with them.
16:06
So you can practice and talk about it.
16:08
Maybe try on each other so that you both know what it feels
16:12
like. I think this is especially true,
16:14
and I like to use the rope example for it because if you're
16:17
just tying someone up, you may never know what it feels like
16:20
for yourself. So exploring it together could
16:23
be helpful so you understand what it feels like on you and
16:25
you know the experience you're giving the other person.
16:28
You might not get the same rush or thrill from it, but
16:31
physically you might be able to understand what they're going
16:34
through. If your partner's not feeling
16:35
confident, that's an area where you have the opportunity to step
16:39
up and step in and help build their confidence in it.
16:43
Pet peeve of mine is when I hear people say, well I don't want to
16:47
train someone, I just want to find someone.
16:49
At the end of the day, we're always training people how to
16:52
treat us in healthy relationships.
16:54
We're speaking our boundaries and explaining them to the other
16:58
person. So this is just an extension of
17:00
that. And yes, it does sound ideal and
17:03
like a wonderful fantasy for someone to be able to just step
17:06
in and know exactly what we want or have done it 1000 times
17:09
before and be an expert. That's not the reality of it.
17:12
It's important to get real about how much we might need to teach
17:16
our partner about what we're interested in.
17:18
Can a vanilla and kinky relationship survive long term?
17:23
If you're genuinely kinky and this is something you need and
17:25
you're with a vanilla partner, it's not going to work.
17:28
You are going to break up eventually.
17:30
You might be able to spend three years exploring it separately
17:34
unless you have a Poly dynamic. Like if you are in a monogamous
17:39
relationship and they're like yeah you can find play partners
17:41
or you decide to open it up. And if you're a monogamous
17:44
person who wants kink, you're not going to be able to find
17:47
this elsewhere. That's my issue.
17:49
I'm monogamous and I'm looking for one person to fulfill all of
17:53
these things and I've ended up in 2 long term relationships
17:56
where I was with someone who didn't fulfill them and it
18:00
didn't work. And as much as I'd love to say
18:02
that my story is an anomaly, the more I speak to people and I do
18:05
this for a living, the more I see couples who are unable to
18:09
get past this. If one person's not willing to
18:12
give up their kink or not explore it, and those people are
18:16
committed to a monogamous relationship, it eventually eats
18:19
away at the person their kink so that they don't explore it
18:22
deeper. There's this quote from a book I
18:24
read once. It was a kinky fiction book.
18:26
The quote was a fetish is pet you feed or the beast that eats
18:31
you. If you don't do it, it's going
18:33
to consume you. And I experienced that with
18:35
spanking. Like I really need a good
18:38
punishment spanking from time to time.
18:40
Take me over your knees, spank me and scold me.
18:42
If I don't have that, it becomes all I think about.
18:46
I also jokingly compare it to when I go on a diet.
18:48
I could go three days without eating a single piece of
18:50
chocolate. As soon as chocolate is off the
18:53
table and it's like you're on a diet right now, all I think
18:55
about is chocolate. That's what it can be like when
18:58
you're kinky. So if your partner is saying no
19:00
chocolate for you for the rest of your life, all you think
19:03
about is how you will never have chocolate again.
19:05
You think about ways like, OK, well, how am I going to sneak
19:07
this in? How can I indulge this without
19:10
them knowing? You know, and if that's not part
19:12
of the dynamic you're in, it starts to erode your commitment
19:15
and your partner's commitment to the relationship.
19:17
You can't hide things like this in a monogamous relationship.
19:20
And even if you can, and I'm not against people hiding things, it
19:23
just doesn't allow you to be the most authentic version of
19:26
yourself. And I think that that starts to
19:28
show. If the kinky partner isn't so
19:31
kinky that they need it, yes, it can survive.
19:35
But if it moves into the place where their kink is a need and
19:38
they are obsessing over it and they can't stop thinking about
19:41
it, yes, the relationship can survive.
19:44
My question is, can you survive in the relationship?
19:48
And that's the question you need to ask yourself.
19:50
And of course, the hope is yes, we all want you to survive in
19:53
the relationship. But more than that, I want you
19:55
to live authentically. I want you to be happy in and
19:58
out of your relationship. So I want you to think, is this
20:00
the right thing for me? If you decide staying in the
20:03
relationship is more important than exploring your king, I
20:06
would highly recommend hiring a relationship coach to talk
20:10
through your desires to learn to sit with the.
20:12
Disappointment of not having your needs met and to create
20:15
some coping mechanisms for it. Because this is not something
20:18
you can just bury for most people.
20:20
And at the end of the day, every relationship is unique.
20:24
A vanilla kinky match can have lifelong happiness and last
20:28
forever. So yeah, I've given a lot of
20:30
examples of what can and can't work.
20:32
And these are just of the examples.
20:34
I know there are thousands of people who are able to navigate
20:38
the balance of one kinky and one vanilla partner, like in the
20:43
same way people navigate someone who has a high sex drive versus
20:46
a low sex drive. We find ways to make our
20:48
relationships work, and I think the important thing is to
20:51
continue to have the commitment to making the relationship work.
20:55
Whether that's introducing your kinks, not having your kinks,
20:58
the communication and figuring out what works for you and your
21:01
partner is the most important thing.
21:06
Got a question or something you want me to tackle in the next
21:09
episode? Drop it in the comments.