Latest / The Kink Consultant / Ep 14 – Exploring the Power of Music and Kink with Deore

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Ep 14 – Exploring the Power of Music and Kink with Deore · The Kink Consultant

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  It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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  on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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  So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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  to it. Hello and welcome to this week's
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  episode of The Kink Consultant. This week I am joined by someone
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  who I am a huge fan of. Please welcome Deor, a musician
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  and kinky creator who I have become obsessed with in the last
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  month. Welcome.
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  Hi, thank you so much for having me.
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  I'm really excited to have you on.
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  I'd seen your videos. You're absolutely adorable and
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  I've always loved them and I don't think it ever really
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  clicked to me that the videos of this adorable girl coming up
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  with different like Dom names and stuff to music.
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  I did not realize that that was your music until you I think
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  commented on something and you said I make music about things
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  like this and it was within one day your song Humor me made it
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  to the top of my on repeat list and later it is still there like
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  on my phone on Spotify. I listen to this song kind of
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  non-stop. I am with it and as soon as it
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  ended up on my own repeat list I was like I need to talk to her.
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  I need to understand how she is in my head and likely in the
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  head of so many brats, littles, Subs out there.
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  So super excited to have you here.
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  I'm just so excited to get to chat and talk about this.
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  Music is such a honest form of self-expression for me, and so
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  it just feels really good to be able to connect with people in
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  that way and to just kind of further explain in our
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  conversation. I guess a good place to start
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  would be. I would love to know how do you
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  identify? First and foremost, identify as
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  a Brody sub. And I do lean into the like baby
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  girl realm. So a Brody baby girl sub is, I
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  feel like, the most honest representation of what's going
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  on in here. This is a personal question that
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  I ask everyone. Like, how long have you known
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  that's what you were? So it's funny because I've known
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  that I've been into like discipline, so to speak, since I
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  was in high school. And when I was in high school,
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  like I didn't know that there was a whole community
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  surrounding this at all. Like this was just something
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  that I felt inside and I had no idea there was a name for it.
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  I didn't know that there was a community around it or anything.
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  And so I know I was like into rougher stuff and discipline
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  back then, but it wasn't until college that I realized that
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  there was an actual like term for this.
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  I started getting involved in the like Reddit communities,
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  like the Reddit communities and started learning a lot and
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  that's when it kind of clicked. I was like, okay, so this is
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  what it is. But so it's funny, it's like the
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  identity kind of came second to just the feelings.
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  So much of the work I do is around do shamifying kink and I
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  do that work because I I've been kinky since I was born and I've
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  known that I was into discipline since I was maybe 5 and it was
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  really confusing for me. I'm wondering, did you have any
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  embarrassment or shame about being interested in these
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  things? Oh hell yes, Oh my God.
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  Like still to this day, I'm constantly working through it
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  and it's AI guess like one of my passions, one of the things I
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  like to bring up in my music a lot is being kinky and working
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  through that shame simultaneously.
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  Because I feel like just based off of, you know, what I've seen
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  online and, and the discourse and everything in the king
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  community, I feel like people expect one day they're going to
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  wake up and like not feel any shame.
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  And that's the day that they're going to explore and express
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  themselves. And that's just not it.
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  Like that's just like not how it works.
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  And so when I started making music specifically for the King
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  community and bratty Subs, I had to find loopholes around the
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  shame. But I ended up making some
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  secret social media accounts so I could block all of my like in
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  real life social circles from seeing it because I was like, I
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  didn't want them to know this about me.
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  Now I don't care. But I would have gotten to that
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  point had I like, had honored those feelings of insecurities
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  that I was feeling and just like, held space for it and
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  worked around it versus like being angry at them, like, you
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  know? So you more just carry it with
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  you and like work through it on a regular basis instead of
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  hiding it away. I am into that though.
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  There is no magic day where you wake up and feel less shame and
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  are ready to explore. It's sort of like, you're like,
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  OK, I feel embarrassed or shamed or a lot of things that society
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  puts on us and we're going to step forward with it anyway.
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  Yes. And I feel like having that
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  narrative in music is also like really important because it just
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  speaks truth to how it really is to be someone who is kinky or
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  has unconventional kind of taste.
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  I love deep diving into that mental space.
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  I guess in like including that in the music itself, because
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  people I feel like really resonate with that like as well
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  as as feeling that way while also honoring and exploring what
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  your, you know, your truest mass authentic self the same time.
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  And you do that so well. Like I jokingly posted something
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  like get out of my head. I felt like, who is this person
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  and why are none of my experiences or feelings totally
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  unique? I mean, I just have lyrics
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  written. I'm like please explain.
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  How you love this. Oh my God, this is great.
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  OK, I want a man to wreck me like I wreck me.
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  How are you wrecking yourself? Why am I also wrecking myself?
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  And how did you even come up with this line like that?
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  I just spoke to me so much, like, hit me to the core.
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  I was like, yeah, that's all I want.
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  Can I just put this on a dating profile?
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  As a person, like I am a very sub, I am kinky and I also like
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  I have CPTSB as well. So I do have like a mental
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  health thing going on. And I feel like kink has been
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  extremely therapeutic for me. It's not therapy, but it, but it
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  has really nurtured my soul like in that way.
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  Sometimes the, the waters I feel like can get a little muddied in
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  where you're participating in kink and, and you're like diving
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  into all of these practices that could be perceived as wrecking
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  yourself. And so I'm like a really screwed
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  up part of me in my brain that I know it like isn't right, but
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  it's like if you wreck me and I wreck me, at least we're on the
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  same team, right? Like that wanting for
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  connection, I guess, and having that the connection in that
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  similarity. It's not healthy like, but it is
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  who I am, you know, so. Yeah, and I think it is healthy
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  as long as it's consensual. And I've never viewed it being
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  on the same team. You're right.
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  It's like, hey, can we like team up here but also stop that girl
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  from being such a bully to me. Yeah, literally.
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  It's like, can you be louder than the voice in my head?
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  Can you be stronger and can you overtake the person that lives
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  in me that wants to hurt me? Like, you know, like that kind
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  of does that make sense? There is a lot of like shame and
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  fear that exists with my own mental health.
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  And I feel like I take so much comfort and find so much comfort
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  when my Dom shows me that like he is stronger than those
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  thoughts and that person that like for those parts of me that
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  come out sometimes. And to know that like, he's not
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  afraid of that just really, really makes me, I feel loved
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  and like, comforted. I think I'm my own worst critic
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  and as in the voice in my head is the biggest bully and I never
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  think of her like that. But she is and I'm just looking
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  for someone save me. Might be the wrong word but it's
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  like yeah protect me. Can you like, tell her to fuck
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  off? In your.
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  Own harsh way. Like, if you can tell her to
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  fuck off, like it's going to look like telling me to fuck
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  off, telling her to fuck off and I, that's what I need.
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  I guess part of my journey with CPTSD is like, I struggle a lot
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  sometimes with like mood regulation, stuff like that,
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  which is why songwriting has been so cathartic for me.
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  I hold a lot of shame around those moments where I struggle
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  with that. And so having a partner who is
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  dominant, who can help me and support me in a way that, like,
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  shows me that he or she or whoever is not afraid of that is
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  like really good, makes me feel so seen.
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  And also just like, I'm afraid of me.
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  If you're afraid of me, we can't be like, well, then what's going
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  to happen? Like, both of us can't be afraid
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  of me. Like that's all.
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  Like I'm dealing with this bitch every day.
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  If you can like be here and stronger than like you're not
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  strong enough for me. Yeah, that's how I view it.
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  Doesn't mean there isn't space for that type of dating as well.
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  It's just not. It doesn't fit this mold.
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  I don't know if you if I saw this somewhere.
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  You used humor me to introduce this to your boyfriend.
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  Is that did I make this up? No, so so I'm married to my Dom.
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  Oh, I've been married for eight years now.
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  We started Danila actually. And so I was the one that like
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  brought up Keek to him like a year into our marriage and we've
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  already been together for three years at that point.
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  I mean, we've both been on a learning journey like since that
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  point. But his version of that was
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  like, he's learning how to be a Dom and he is just like the
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  softest, sweetest, most wonderful man like ever.
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  I wrote that song. I wasn't planning on releasing
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  it at the time. I wasn't releasing kinky music
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  or anything. It was the first kinky song I
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  ever wrote. At the time, I was really
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  craving more like sternness in my relationship and I just
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  wanted the volume to be turned up a little bit in regards to
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  the intensity of what we were doing.
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  He was working through this conditioning of it's like not
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  being OK to like hit women. It's not being OK to yell at,
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  you know, your partner, like all these things.
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  I was feeling this like frustration.
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  And I just in my head, I'm like, I just need to be clear.
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  Like I need to just be so clear about this because this
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  internalized shame, you know, makes me want to beat around the
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  Bush and not really be as clear as I should be and asking for
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  what I need. And so when you combine that
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  shame of not really feeling comfortable asking for exactly
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  what you need with the conditioning of like feeling
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  like you can't do the thing, I just need to be so freaking
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  brazen about it that it's just like, whatever.
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  And so I started, you know, I was just like playing on my
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  guitar and the lyrics like kind of started falling out.
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  And I was like, oh, this is hilarious because it's just like
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  so matter of fact and just flip it almost.
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  I'm just like, I like it when you do all this stuff, but I
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  know it sounds like batshit, but like, I like it.
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  So like, I want you to do it. I wasn't planning on releasing
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  it, but I kept like chewing on the song like over a couple
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  weeks. And I was like, oh, shit, like
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  this is good. Like, I think I was like, I
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  think I might have to release this.
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  We were on a plane a couple weeks later and he was sitting
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  next to me and I was like, could you listen to this?
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  And, like, tell me if this is OK?
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  Like, would you be OK if I released a song like this?
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  He's like, I mean, if you want to like, that's like, fine.
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  Like, blah, blah, blah. It took about a year to write or
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  the first half. And then like, just let it kind
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  of marinate. And then I wrote this.
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  But what was really funny was like bringing it to my producer,
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  who I just adore. But he was so amazing and just
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  so accepting. And that was so healing for me.
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  I felt so like accepted for exactly who I what for who I
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  was. And also the fact that he had
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  helped build it with me. So it wasn't just like a passive
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  acceptance, but it was like a active acceptance of like, oh,
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  we're going to build this song together.
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  I like, Oh my God, I was so overwhelmed with just like
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  gratitude. And it felt incredible, like
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  making that song. I feel healed to that story a
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  little bit, you know, for someone to go on that journey
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  with you. And I'm just so grateful the
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  song exists. And I'm like, oh, I'm thankful
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  to everyone who is involved in this project.
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  Your husband, he didn't know you were kinky when you first got
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  married. How did you tell him hey I need
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  this? I wrote it on a notes app like I
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  wrote a note in my phone and I was just like, hey, can I talk
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  to you about something? And just, like had it ready so I
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  could explain clearly exactly what I was asking for and why it
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  would be helpful to me and our relationship if we kind of
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  explore this and funny enough, our dynamics 24/7.
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  But I didn't suggest 24/7 because I didn't want to, you
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  know, overwhelm somebody. Like, yeah, he like, right away
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  I was like, we should do 24/7. Like, if that's like, like, he
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  was just so like, we're going to do this.
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  Which I'm like, Oh my gosh, like, this is incredible.
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  It was the best response I could have possibly dreamed of.
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  I was like, this is crazy. It does kind of sound ideal and
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  not like the typical response. However it sound, it really does
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  sound like you went about it the right way.
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  You said like this is how it could help our relationship too.
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  So it wasn't just about your need but like the benefits that
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  could help both of you. Were you guys having trouble in
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  the marriage at the time? Yeah, like I'm the problem
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  child. Like he's great.
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  Like yeah, so patient and just amazing.
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  And so we were long distance for about 3 or 4 years.
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  At first we moved to Japan. Like we got married and moved to
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  Japan and that's when we started our in person relationship.
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  How did you meet? How did you know?
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  I so we met high school, We did high school theater together.
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  Funny enough, he didn't date or anything.
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  He wasn't even an option on my radar.
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  Like in that way. We graduated and I moved to
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  Richmond, VA, Yeah, which is I was in other bands and I was
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  also in like, school and everything.
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  And he had moved to North Carolina for military.
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  And so it was the most inconvenient set up like ever.
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  He had come through Richmond, so he had taken a bus and had a
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  layover in Richmond. And I had just like, went out to
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  see him for like the 20 minutes. And then we started talking on
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  the phone and we just had so much fun together and had such
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  amazing conversations and just, it kept like escalating.
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  And then I'm like, we're in a relationship and it's.
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  Crazy. So you just finished high
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  school, went your separate ways. Facebook was a thing, So you
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  were still connected. And he was like, I just happened
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  to be going through your town. Yes.
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  You want to come say hi? And that's how it all kicked
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  off. That's how everything started,
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  yeah. How many years after high school
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  is this? By the way?
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  This. Is like one year the crazy
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  story. OK, this is really, really
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  funny. So we, we're in our
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  relationship, right? We decided we're going to get
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  married. We decided we're going to move
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  to Japan. And he's like, we should really
• 14:30
  do some counseling, like before we get married.
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  I was like, yeah, let's do it. The guy that married us was his,
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  like, youth pastor from like when he was a kid.
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  And so he did the counseling session for us.
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  I remember him asking some questions, and I was like
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  answers that I could bring up that I was like, kinky.
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  But I was like, I'm not going to do that.
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  Like, there's no freaking way I can say this right now.
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  And so like, I just was like, yeah, I'm good.
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  You remember what kind of questions?
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  It was just very quick. It was like, like, are there any
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  like sexual, you know, things that you feel like would be
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  helpful to bring up? And I remember just being like,
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  there's no way, like I'm bringing that up in this right
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  now, like in front of this guy. And so years past, my Dom and I
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  are are in our dynamic and the bratty P just came out.
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  It was last February and the youth pastor officiate reaches
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  out to me and messages me. He's like, I just want to say
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  that I really, really enjoy your new project.
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  Happy punishments to you. Oh my God.
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  And I was like, Oh my gosh, because I wasn't advertising it
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  like that on Facebook, because like, my social circle's over
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  there. And it turns out that he is a
• 15:39
  Dom and in his own dynamic. And I was like, wow, like what
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  is? What Oh my God, props to the
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  pastor, because that's why that questions in there.
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  He's like, let me try and save a bunch of young people.
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  This guy is great it. Was amazing and I like my have
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  accidentally converted his like up into a brat.
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  I was like, whoa, full circle. And This is why the shame around
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  it is so hard, because we're all just hiding it and not talking
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  openly about it. Oh my gosh, we are.
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  And it's so awful because there's like so many
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  opportunities for community. And I think that's why I really
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  enjoy making music that's not super over because it allows me
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  and people who listen to me to kind of integrate the music into
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  their more daily lives versus during designated period where
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  they're like, I'm going to engage in this mindset right now
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  because I'm alone and I'm not like out in the wild.
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  In addition to that, I feel like there is a strong opportunity
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  for community from a musician standpoint because you have
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  people who listen to you and like bond over a mutual thing
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  and communities will form in that way.
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  And so it's really inspired to like adopt the bratty sub
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  musician identity to merge those two communities together.
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  And so you have the like musician fandom, like, so to
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  speak, and then you're also combining the kink community and
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  using it as an opportunity to be like, you can talk about this
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  stuff if you'd like to. And if you don't, you can talk
• 17:04
  about music, you can talk about whatever you want.
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  And so my Discord is like set up in that way.
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  And it's such an amazing place. Like I love them all so much.
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  And it's been really special, like seeing the relationships
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  that form and just being able to witness everybody in the same
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  room together, building relationships and connections
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  and just like also having a great time.
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  Because that's a community you're facilitating that is
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  bringing people together. You know, even as I say, kinky,
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  my whole life when I discovered humor be and there are a number
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  of great songs on the EPA. It is just that, you know, this
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  one like sparked this was like the thing that ignited
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  everything. I found a deeper level of
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  acceptance for myself too. You're right.
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  The music sort of subverts all of the other blockers that I
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  have up or sort of the defenses and just sort of gets through to
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  me. I'm like, yes, this is normal.
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  And I preach this stuff every day and I still get slightly
• 17:57
  embarrassed. Like sometimes when I'm talking
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  to a guy and he even said something kinky, I have to like,
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  put my phone away for a second because I'm like, Oh my God, I'm
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  blushing. This is a lot.
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  I want to talk about the music as well.
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  Like who is your musical inspiration?
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  I love Melanie Martinez's music a lot.
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  Yes, I think she's fantastic. I also really love Lisa
• 18:15
  Hannigan. She used to sing with Damien
• 18:17
  Rice and her voice just gorgeous.
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  Like so beautiful. I feel like I'm influenced by
• 18:22
  artists like Fiona Apple and Regina Spector just.
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  This yes. Poppy.
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  All acoustic, that kind of vibe. That's kind of what inspires me.
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  And I love and know everyone you just mentioned and I'm like,
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  that makes total sense. What advice would you give to
• 18:38
  someone who wants to tell their partner that they're kinky?
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  I would, I would say to know what you're going to say
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  beforehand and if you have to write it down, write it down.
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  When you're telling them about this, really focus on like how
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  it makes you feel because I feel like people who aren't
• 18:53
  inherently kinky can relate to that.
• 18:56
  It's hard to just come out and say like, I like it when you
• 19:00
  yell at me or I like it when you treat me, you know, in a
• 19:02
  specific way. Say like, hey, I feel like my
• 19:06
  most authentic self and I just A rush of lovely endorphins and
• 19:11
  just very happy and safe with you.
• 19:14
  When you show up in this way you're not used to because of XY
• 19:18
  and Z, that's like way easier to kind of like wrap your head
• 19:22
  around than to approach it in a more like jarring kind of way.
• 19:27
  It's also super important, I think, to have accepted, at
• 19:29
  least to a certain extent, that you are not a weirdo for wanting
• 19:32
  these things. Like it is normal to want them.
• 19:35
  It's just about explaining and communicating them.
• 19:37
  Right, because everybody wants to feel connected and loved and,
• 19:41
  and seen for who they are. And you know, these are normal
• 19:45
  desires. Like everybody has these.
• 19:47
  It's just that kinky people are like approach it or experience
• 19:52
  that is just different. Everybody's different, you know,
• 19:54
  like this is just like counterculture.
• 19:57
  What I've seen is culture swings like a pendulum and eventually
• 20:01
  everyone in the world is going to be kinky.
• 20:02
  Like it'll get easier. I think it, I think it's
• 20:04
  constantly getting easier. I mean, the pastor was kinky in
• 20:07
  the best way. Not that I have second or third
• 20:10
  favorites, OK, but Catch Me If You Can is such a fun song.
• 20:15
  Thank you so much, I love that. Something I feel like that it
• 20:19
  could be I mean all of the songs could be, but it so could easily
• 20:22
  be dropped into any movie and and like beyond the soundtrack.
• 20:25
  I thought it was a lot of fun. Can you tell me a little bit
• 20:28
  about writing that and that song?
• 20:31
  It was the first song we started recording with the Bratty P and
• 20:34
  it was the first time that I was like making a song with my
• 20:38
  producer and I could like really clearly see him having a great
• 20:41
  time. I wanted to write a song that
• 20:43
  was like bratty that like, I don't know.
• 20:47
  I love the juxtaposition between like you can't tell me what to
• 20:51
  do, but you can if you ask nicely.
• 20:53
  Like that kind of like the back and forth playful, kind of like
• 20:58
  it's a taunt song, you know, and like the bratty P, if you listen
• 21:02
  to it from beginning to end, it's a concept EP, so it's a big
• 21:05
  story. Catch me if you can is very much
• 21:07
  the taunt of antagonizing your Dom.
• 21:10
  And so it was so fun to just write.
• 21:12
  Just come up with these little ways of like communicating that
• 21:15
  it's like a little taunt mood board, like just a bunch of
• 21:18
  separate little bits in imagery here and there that kind of
• 21:21
  explain that. It sounds that way as you listen
• 21:23
  to it too. It's sort of like it is the
• 21:25
  dynamic in one EP and how it plays out.
• 21:29
  Would you be willing to perform a song for everyone who may not
• 21:34
  have listened to you yet on Spotify but after this are going
• 21:38
  to run and listen to the Eve? I would love to.
• 21:40
  I would love to do that. All right.
• 21:41
  I would love for you to give us a taster and it's dealer's
• 21:44
  choice. Whatever you want to play, I am
• 21:46
  excited to listen to. So Brat came first.
• 21:49
  That was the first one. And then when I go out and play
• 21:54
  in the community, like where I live, I don't really go to kink
• 21:58
  spaces because I'm like a shy little girl.
• 22:01
  And so I end up playing a lot of just very like vanilla, like
• 22:06
  normal bars and burglaries and whatever.
• 22:08
  I wrote this song, My Darling, to disclaim Brat so people
• 22:13
  didn't think I was like a psycho, but I could go the back
• 22:17
  and rerecord Brat. I would have My Darling be part
• 22:21
  of the song. into jell.
• 23:36
  O God, I want on a man who wrecks me like I wrecked me.
• 23:40
  You ain't afraid to check me. Take me to the limit when you
• 23:44
  get to me, human me, even when it's ruining me.
• 23:47
  I know you're no good for me, but Daddy wants you.
• 23:50
  Human me, Thank you so much.
• 25:03
  That was brilliant. I forgot one line that actually
• 25:08
  shook me to my core the first time I heard it.
• 25:10
  Take that girl I hate and make her someone else.
• 25:13
  I don't know how I didn't bring it up until now because that was
• 25:16
  the line. That was the line that was like,
• 25:18
  I remember where I was when I heard.
• 25:21
  I was like listening to. I was like, I was like, oh,
• 25:24
  shit. Yeah, because I jokingly say I
• 25:27
  hate myself, or I used to. I used to.
• 25:29
  This is like something I've obviously worked on.
• 25:31
  But that line, I was like, yes, that's all I ever wanted was for
• 25:35
  someone to take that girl I hate and make her someone else.
• 25:38
  And I felt that release during it.
• 25:42
  Sorry, I just, I was like that's the line I need to talk to.
• 25:46
  It's I feel like for somebody to do that, I have to see that
• 25:50
  purse, that shadow self, you know, they have to to see that
• 25:53
  side of you and to even show someone that side of you takes a
• 25:57
  lot of vulnerability and strength, period.
• 25:59
  And then when you're in ADS dynamic where you know, there's
• 26:02
  like there could be rules involved, there could be goals
• 26:04
  involved like that, having that collaboration is so healing.
• 26:08
  Like especially when you have these parts of you that are hard
• 26:11
  to look at, having someone else look at them and see them and
• 26:15
  still show up for you is crazy. Like it's just a yeah.
• 26:19
  And that's what all all relationships are, a
• 26:21
  collaboration. The DS side of it is just like a
• 26:26
  deeper version of that or a bonus side of it.
• 26:31
  Thank you so much. So what are you working on now?
• 26:35
  What's next for you? I have a song that's coming out
• 26:39
  very, very, very soon. This is not February 7th called
• 26:42
  Bad Thing. She is bluesy.
• 26:45
  She is very like, has a lot of like bratty little baby girl
• 26:50
  energy to her. Very much like the the brat on
• 26:54
  the playground kind of vibe. And I'm like during the chorus
• 26:58
  me and my producer literally are playing like hand games, like
• 27:01
  for the percussion and stuff. It's Oh my.
• 27:03
  Gosh, I cannot wait. It's going to be so soon.
• 27:07
  I'm, I'm so, so excited about it.
• 27:09
  So February 7th on streaming platforms and then January 27th
• 27:14
  on Patreon is when that comes out.
• 27:16
  You are not just on Spotify, you are also on Instagram and
• 27:20
  TikTok. TBD if TikTok is even around.
• 27:23
  So people can also follow you on Instagram and your handle is.
• 27:26
  It's DEOREBBY. Please go follow Deor.
• 27:31
  Because it's the new year. I want to start a new question
• 27:34
  tag where your question will be asked of my next guest.
• 27:38
  So any question? If you had to relive one day of
• 27:42
  your life over and over again, Groundhog Day style, what day
• 27:46
  would that be? Holy shit that's a great
• 27:48
  question. Damn.
• 27:49
  OK, I cannot wait to ask them that question.
• 27:53
  So next week's guests will get that.
• 27:55
  Thank you for asking such a really good question.
• 27:58
  And because you're starting this trend for 2025, do you want to
• 28:01
  answer your own question? It'd probably be the day that I
• 28:04
  rode my bike to the bus station and met my Dom slash husband
• 28:10
  there. I I'm obsessed with this story.
• 28:12
  I really had to hold myself back for just obsessing over every
• 28:16
  detail of your love story because I'm a romantic at heart.
• 28:19
  Also a Kingster, but such a romantic.
• 28:21
  Did you know at like when you left the bus station like oh
• 28:25
  damn, have a crush? No.
• 28:27
  You just thought you met this fun like you're met up in your
• 28:29
  fun. Really.
• 28:30
  He started really liking me and we're talking, but I didn't want
• 28:34
  to date him yet because I wasn't done being a hoe.
• 28:36
  And so I was like, I don't want to commit to this, you know?
• 28:39
  I just remember we were still talking and I was driving in my
• 28:42
  car and I just thought like, Oh my God, like I would hate my
• 28:46
  life without this guy. I don't want to go on with my
• 28:49
  life without him in it. Like it just seemed so
• 28:52
  unappealing and like, not great. And I was like, that's how I
• 28:55
  knew he just needs to be here. Whoa, that hit me.
• 28:59
  Like I just felt like the impact of that statement.
• 29:03
  I had like called him and I was like, OK, I want to be your
• 29:05
  girlfriend now like this. I want this to happen.
• 29:09
  So he had been asking, and you were like, no, no, no.
• 29:12
  And then you're like, oh, actually, you know what?
• 29:15
  I can't live without you, so why not?
• 29:17
  Yeah. And so I called him.
• 29:18
  I was like, I'm gonna be your girlfriend now.
• 29:19
  And he was like, OK. And then like a week passed and
• 29:22
  I sent him the relationship request on Facebook and wow he
• 29:27
  was like I had no idea we were in our.
• 29:30
  Relationship What? Joke we have like we had two
• 29:34
  dating anniversaries the day that like I started dating him
• 29:37
  and. He.
• 29:38
  Started dating me. That is hilarious.
• 29:40
  So glad that this collaboration is constantly like of an
• 29:44
  evolving process between you both, even to the day take.
• 29:47
  Anything seriously at all? It is such a good Roman like
• 29:51
  that is such a good love story and kink story.
• 29:54
  All of the above. Did you have signs that he would
• 29:56
  make a good Dom? Oh my gosh, I remember one time
• 30:00
  we were still long distance at the time and we had like gotten
• 30:03
  in a fight like over text and it like we weren't kinky at the
• 30:06
  time or anything. I was in the wrong like during
• 30:09
  this fight. And so the way he was like
• 30:11
  bringing that to my attention and like showing me and like
• 30:15
  teaching me like in that moment of how he would like to be
• 30:19
  addressed and, and how to like remain respectful during that
• 30:23
  interaction. I was just like, whoa, like, Oh
• 30:26
  my God, I was like this, this is kind of wow.
• 30:29
  Like I had this thing in my head.
• 30:31
  I was like, no, like he gets it. Even though he didn't get what
• 30:34
  he was getting. Yeah, I knew he didn't know.
• 30:37
  I knew I was like, and he's just so like empathetic and and kind
• 30:42
  for any D type. Like that is the ultimate green
• 30:46
  flags is like somebody that just like genuinely wants to take
• 30:50
  care of you and be a good partner and listen and like all
• 30:53
  these things. So all these very vanilla kind
• 30:56
  of qualities that was assigned to me that he would do really.
• 30:59
  Well I mean that's a great sign and I completely agree.
• 31:01
  Empathy is one of the number one things I look for in AD type
• 31:05
  because if they can't be empathetic then we're just not
• 31:07
  going to work and I question whether I won't get into it.
• 31:10
  I have reservations about people who lack empathy in
• 31:13
  relationships at all. But topic for another time.
• 31:17
  I'm not just saying this. I love your music.
• 31:20
  It makes such a huge difference and I think that you are so
• 31:24
  desperately needed in the space. There is nobody else doing what
• 31:28
  you're doing. I've looked for it.
• 31:30
  I looked for it too, and that was like part of the reason why
• 31:33
  I kind of branded myself this way, because I process so
• 31:38
  heavily and a lot of people process so heavily in music and
• 31:41
  also like music makes you feel less alone and it like speaks to
• 31:44
  experiences and there's nobody that's like overtly doing this.
• 31:47
  No, there's always like people dabble in it a little bit.
• 31:51
  Like there's some songs that kind of get into it.
• 31:53
  But even in those instances, the songs that I've heard usually
• 31:58
  tend to be 1 dimensional and hyper sexualized, which is like
• 32:02
  fine, but it's like it's not. They're so it's so vast.
• 32:06
  Like the experience of being a kinky person is not just whips
• 32:10
  and changed. Like that's just not how it.
• 32:12
  Is no. That's such a.
• 32:13
  Small percentage of how we spend our lives.
• 32:16
  Kinky. And there's so many identities
• 32:18
  and there's so many ways to play and there's so many thoughts and
• 32:21
  emotions that motivate those ways to play.
• 32:23
  And like there's just, it's such a rich fertile ground for our
• 32:28
  and I am just honored to make it and I'm honored to participate
• 32:33
  in the community and just. Exist here.
• 32:36
  I'm so grateful you're out there doing this.
• 32:38
  You are an amazing Instagram creator, right?
• 32:40
  You're making videos all the time.
• 32:42
  I wish I had that dedication to making content the same way you
• 32:46
  do. It is so good.
• 32:48
  Thank you so much. It's really hard actually,
• 32:50
  because that doesn't come naturally to me.
• 32:52
  Like I don't set out to be like an Instagram creator.
• 32:56
  I I literally just did it because that's how music
• 32:58
  marketing works now. And so I've been funny too.
• 33:01
  For for coaching, I was like, oh, I know this is a secondary
• 33:05
  thing, but that's how yes, I found you through that.
• 33:08
  Yes, and it's like it can be fun, but it felt so good to like
• 33:13
  get back into the studio and start creating music again
• 33:16
  because I kind of had a bit of an identity crisis where I was
• 33:19
  like, Oh my God, is this me now? Like, am I?
• 33:22
  Am I just an Instagram creator? Like like, no shade at all to
• 33:24
  Instagram. No, I get it.
• 33:26
  That just doesn't light my fire specifically.
• 33:29
  So I'm excited for the new stuff I'm going to make with this next
• 33:33
  song is it's just it's hilarious.
• 33:34
  It's going to be funny. Girl, you've given me hope.
• 33:37
  I swear to fucking God as I date it's so.
• 33:40
  Hard. It's so hard out there, like it
• 33:42
  really, really is. And especially today, I feel
• 33:46
  like dating has become this thing of like the ends
• 33:49
  justifying the means of like all this pressure is put to where
• 33:52
  you're like hoping for this ideal situation where they
• 33:55
  become the person. It's so hard to create
• 33:57
  relationships like. That I love your story because
• 33:59
  so many people are like, I don't want to teach a Dom and like you
• 34:02
  teach people how to love you every day no matter what.
• 34:04
  So like, stop saying you don't want to teach someone to be a
• 34:06
  Dom. I get it not wanting a totally
• 34:08
  vanilla person. You want someone who's at least
• 34:10
  curious or willing and open. But geez, sometimes you do have
• 34:14
  to teach. I feel like people are like
• 34:16
  sabotaging themselves with that mindset because like there's so
• 34:20
  many people who make phenomenal doms who just aren't exposed to
• 34:24
  it yet or don't realize. And I feel like if you ask any a
• 34:28
  Dom, like if you just put out a poll of like, how did you
• 34:31
  realize you're a Dom? Or when did you start being one?
• 34:33
  A lot of those answers are like, I met a sub like, and they
• 34:36
  showed me, you know, just find a person you're compatible with
• 34:39
  1st and that you genuinely connect with 1st.
• 34:41
  And if they care about you and want to care for you in the way
• 34:44
  that you need, then they're they'll be willing to try it.
• 34:47
  And if they like don't like it, then that's fine.
• 34:49
  Then then it doesn't work. It's hard to find batteries
• 34:51
  included Doms just anywhere. This is really great.
• 34:55
  I don't know. I'm not even following your
• 34:57
  advice though because I've had two long term relationships, one
• 35:00
  where like I created, I did do the teaching, but it just still
• 35:03
  didn't click the same way. So now I'm dating someone or
• 35:06
  about to go on a second date with someone who does match all
• 35:09
  the kinky stuff. First.
• 35:10
  I'm like, let me try it this way.
• 35:11
  Let me find the perfect Kingster and see you.
• 35:13
  And we get along just fine talking like, let's see how this
• 35:16
  goes. Even today, like like in my
• 35:18
  relationship, you know, I'm still doing a lot of teaching
• 35:21
  and it's so hard for me to differentiate like I'm teaching
• 35:26
  to am I topic from the bottom or like, am I teaching or am I your
• 35:30
  Dom because I'm the one guy and all this stuff.
• 35:33
  And it's like those mindfucks that I like experience, like
• 35:37
  make it kind of difficult. And so we're we're constantly
• 35:39
  talking about it and constantly like changing course.
• 35:42
  Because you kind of have to. But on that point, I know
• 35:46
  myself, I would top from the bottom and pretend I was
• 35:48
  teaching. I would be like, no, no, you're
• 35:50
  getting this wrong. Like I would just be so kind of
• 35:53
  sending about it and make them think I would mind fuck them on
• 35:56
  purpose because I'm an asshole sometimes not even a brat.
• 35:59
  Oh my God, I could be so fucking bitchy.
• 36:02
  And it's like, sometimes I'll think of things that I could say
• 36:04
  and I'm like, I shouldn't say that like.
• 36:07
  How's your discord going? It's going really good.
• 36:10
  I love that community. I love being over there more
• 36:14
  than being on Instagram because there's less of the outside
• 36:17
  traffic and I don't have to worry about getting tarred and
• 36:20
  feathered in the town square as much like over there.
• 36:22
  What I really like about it is there's a kink space in my
• 36:25
  Discord and there's like other channels for other conversation.
• 36:29
  And so there's like arts and crafts and like literal puppies
• 36:32
  and kitties is like one of the channels, especially people.
• 36:36
  Do you moderate it yourself? Me and my Dom moderate it and we
• 36:39
  have a team of mods as well and my Dom has the name's Dadman on
• 36:44
  there. But it's so hilarious because
• 36:46
  it's a space where people can brat to each other and the doms
• 36:51
  can Dom the brats in a consensual way.
• 36:54
  Like all over the discord and so.
• 36:57
  They need to be on your discord. It's it's hilarious.
• 36:59
  And so like people, the brats will brat and then like the Doms
• 37:03
  will come in. And then what we do is we throw
• 37:05
  tomatoes at the doms. It's so we just like leave.
• 37:08
  We spam a bunch of tomato emojis like on what they're like saying
• 37:12
  as a way to be like no. And we have a lot of in real
• 37:15
  life Dom sub couples like on the discord.
• 37:19
  And so they'll get like punished in real time.
• 37:21
  We have like a bunch of roles to where you can assign yourself
• 37:25
  your identity, like are you Dom sub switch puppy Kitty, like
• 37:28
  whatever you have. And then we have like the
• 37:30
  consent role of like you can brat to me, you can Dom me.
• 37:33
  Do not do either of those things to me.
• 37:35
  So you know if it's cool or not and then like ages and like all
• 37:38
  that stuff. Are you working full time or is
• 37:40
  this your I? Was a nurse at a trauma
• 37:43
  hospital. It was exhausting.
• 37:45
  It was just really hard. But I'm not doing that anymore.
• 37:47
  I'm just focusing on this right now and just seeing kind of like
• 37:50
  what happens. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm
• 37:51
  doing too. And I'm like, I coach now.
• 37:54
  Basically, I want to make my podcast a thing.
• 37:56
  I don't listen to many King podcasts, but I did listen to a
• 37:59
  couple of your episodes and I just like loved you so far.
• 38:03
  I love, I wish I remembered his name, but the Spankos?
• 38:07
  Oh my God. I was like taking those.
• 38:09
  I was like, Oh my God, this guy was like, in my head, like this
• 38:12
  is like, yeah, I remember being in like high school and I would
• 38:15
  read Internet smut about like, spanking and all that stuff.
• 38:18
  And I was just like frothing up the mouth about it just being
• 38:21
  like, Oh my God, like, I fucking love this.
• 38:23
  Like, this is great. But I don't watch Torrent
• 38:25
  either. Like it's just, it's the same
• 38:26
  reason why I'm not really attracted to a lot of like kinky
• 38:29
  music, because it's just, it's too perfect.
• 38:32
  They're not grasping it. I don't feel like the mind fuck
• 38:36
  that it. And that is what you do.
• 38:38
  You grasp the mind fuck of it all.
• 38:41
  It's all a mind fuck everything. 'S a mind fuck.
• 38:43
  So yes, I mean. I've got one of my reels that I
• 38:47
  posted like a little bit ago. My best friend.
• 38:49
  I fucking love her. She's a romanticy author.
• 38:52
  Oh, OK, he's great. My name's Courtney Schack, but
• 38:55
  she calls, like the general public on the Internet, the
• 38:58
  great unwashed. I like.
• 38:59
  That just the people, the trolls specifically.
• 39:02
  It's so one of my reels got pushed and I'm just like the
• 39:04
  great unwashed kid. I mean, they're just, you're
• 39:07
  encouraging domestic violence and just like getting like just
• 39:10
  fucking slammed by it. And it was on the brat song.
• 39:13
  I think I'm gonna use the last line.
• 39:15
  I'm like, yes, I'm still feminist.
• 39:16
  Just humor me like. Yes, and.
• 39:18
  It's self aware like I fucking know like.
• 39:20
  I know. I also love that it's almost
• 39:22
  like the disclaimer at the end of your song.
• 39:24
  Like, relax, this is all part of feminism by the way.
• 39:27
  I'm choosing this. It's consensual.
• 39:29
  People not understanding consent is actually the scarier thing.
• 39:32
  These people yelling oh. My God, and they're like, you're
• 39:35
  just perpetrating oppressive power structures and this and
• 39:39
  that. And I'm just like, well, how can
• 39:40
  me being a female like makes submission dirty because because
• 39:45
  you're the one assuming that females are submissive by this
• 39:48
  logic, you're saying that being a woman is inherently submissive
• 39:52
  and there's no room for submissive men or non binary
• 39:54
  people. That's wild to me.
• 39:56
  It's crazy by that narrative. So the, the people who are like
• 40:00
  woke and they're like, you're, you know, not a feminist.
• 40:02
  It's like you're the one saying women are submissive by by
• 40:06
  coming at me like this. Like, I know I don't even know
• 40:08
  what wave of feminism we're in or what that is.
• 40:11
  When they think like we can't, this is what we fought for.
• 40:13
  It's like we get to play with these dynamics now as opposed to
• 40:17
  being forced into certain things.
• 40:19
  I heard of the best metaphor for it.
• 40:21
  I forget who said it, but I did not come up with it.
• 40:24
  And it was comparing CNC to a haunted house.
• 40:27
  And it's like people will literally pay, pay money to go
• 40:30
  inside of a haunted house and be scared.
• 40:32
  And like, you don't come out harmed.
• 40:34
  Like, like you're never in any real danger, but you're
• 40:36
  literally going and purposely putting yourself in a situation
• 40:40
  that's uncomfortable for the thrill of it, right?
• 40:42
  You have something as normal as a haunted house and then you
• 40:46
  have something that is like countercultural, like CNC.
• 40:49
  And it's like there's a cognitive dissonance that's
• 40:51
  happening here. I think eventually we'll get
• 40:54
  there, but it's like people just don't understand.
• 40:56
  And that is why we need you and then and all of these other I
• 40:59
  think creators out there constantly talking about it more
• 41:03
  openly so that we can get pushed to the nether regions of of the
• 41:08
  socials having the conversation because I do think it is
• 41:10
  helping. Oh my gosh, and like your
• 41:13
  insight is so valuable, like like your whole page and, and
• 41:17
  just the way. Thank you, very approachable.
• 41:19
  Like I feel like the the way you do Instagram is just very
• 41:24
  tangible and approachable, which is like, I respect that a lot
• 41:27
  because it it just makes kinks seem more acceptable.
• 41:30
  It's a branding move. I want to be the girl next door
• 41:32
  so people realize everyone's kinky.
• 41:33
  Or at least so many more people than feel comfortable letting on
• 41:37
  they are. Thank you so much for taking the
• 41:40
  time for coming on the podcast. I was so excited when you agreed
• 41:44
  to be on and this has been even more fun than I expected.
• 41:47
  Oh my gosh, thank you so much for having me.
• 41:49
  I was so excited when you messaged me about it and I'm
• 41:51
  just so honored to be here and just so happy that we got to
• 41:54
  chat. It's amazing.
• 41:55
  It's been amazing. Oh yay.
• 41:57
  OK, this will not be the last time you were on the Oh,
• 41:59
  awesome. I mean, well, if you're going to
• 42:02
  keep releasing music and I'm going to keep being obsessed
• 42:04
  with it, we're going to have to dissect it on different
• 42:07
  episodes. Awesome.
• 42:08
  Well, thank you so much. Follow Dior on Spotify, go
• 42:12
  listen to all of her music and on Instagram at Dior BBY.
• 42:18
  So her name with BBY at the end. That's all I'm going to say.
• 42:21
  Dior, thank you so much. All right, so much.
• 42:25
  Bye. If you enjoyed this episode,
• 42:29
  don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and share it with
• 42:32
  anyone who might find it interesting.
• 42:34
  And if you have any questions or topics you'd like me to cover in
• 42:37
  future episodes, feel free to reach out e-mail
• 42:39
  info@thekingconsultant.com. Until next time, keep on kinking
• 42:44
  on.