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The Hidden Family Stories Behind Child Behavior · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to episode one of the four stories.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now this episode is entitled The Cost of Untruth.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is part one of or episode one of a two-part telling of the cost of untruth.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's something I've learned over many years of sitting with children and families, and that is that children almost always tell the truth.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now not necessarily with words, and sometimes there are no words at all.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: They tell it through anxiety, silence, perfectionism, withdrawal, and anger, through behaviors that leaves adults asking, what is wrong with this child?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well perhaps that's the wrong question.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps the better question is this What truth has this child been carrying that nobody else has yet been able to speak?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Did anyone look?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is because children rarely become distressed in isolation.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Their symptoms emerge within families.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And these are within the histories and families.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this story is about one such family.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps more accurately, it's about many families.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So over the years I've met different mothers, fathers, and children, and different circumstances.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yet I keep finding myself observing remarkably similar psychological and relational patterns, which can have the same outcomes.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I always am able to predict a possible outcome, something I call a trajectory.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: In simple language, where is this going?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Where is it going without intervention?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Where is it going without change?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is a story about a family for whom intervention and change never took place.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And lamentably, the outcome, or at least so far, has unfolded as predicted.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So this pattern reveals itself repeatedly, and normally it's because psychological reality has just become too painful or too confusing to acknowledge.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: This family had survived for years on stories, not lies in the obvious sense, stories.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And by stories I'm talking about constructions, versions of the truth or part of the truth, narratives which were destructive, but carefully constructed to explain suffering, to assign blame and to preserve innocence.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So when conflict emerged, one parent became the victim and the other became the persecutor.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then, almost always imperceptibly, they exchanged places, leaving children caught between two destructive parenting roles and styles.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now neither story was entirely false, and neither story was entirely true.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: They just happened to miss out the single most important thing.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: That is context.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And long before the children entered the lives of these adults, the differences had gradually ceased to be understood, even if in fact they ever were.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So instead, polarization occurred, disappointments accumulated, misunderstandings hardened into certainty.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: This person is a, the other person is a.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that certainty hardens roles, no flexibility.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Albeit there may have been attempts, perhaps, to try and look into the difficulties, but that requires both parties to be prepared to do that.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Whether they were at the same time, I don't know.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: But the resentments quietly became the foundations of the relationship.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, under stress, these things always come to the surface.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then children arrived.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then, without anybody intending it, the children inherited a family already organized around conflict.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: One parent's grievances became increasingly public.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: There was always another disappointment, another injustice, another explanation.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And responsibility almost always just seemed to lie somewhere else.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was never the individual's fault.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: They were the victim of repeated injustice.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: But the other parent experienced hurt too, and perhaps their grievances were quieter, less visible, yet equally certain.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Each believed themselves to be misunderstood, and each regarded the other as being responsible for the injuries.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Neither could quite bear any other sort of possibility, and that they themselves might also be contributing to the suffering around them.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, what was really a repeated story was that one person was always being hard done by the other, and indeed other people.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that individual was the common denominator.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, not without effort was guidance repeatedly offered.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, simple things like work together, protect the children, stop trying to win.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Look at what is happening now and take a look at where this is going.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: This will end badly.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: There was even a point when the parents could say that for themselves.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that one of the young people was going to end up in prison.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: They would probably get into drugs, they would probably get into alcohol, they would probably get excluded from school or schools.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And they were right.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: But the question here is well, if you if you can see that, and you're right to see it, what do you do with that?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is that is is that a verdict you've reached?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because if it is, you're absolutely right.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's what will happen.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: But you are part of the problem, and for that reason, you have a responsibility.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You are the grown-up or grown-ups.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And for that reason, your efforts need to be translated into what do you do?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't know, well, the guidance has been offered, and there are lots of other people who can do the same.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: But when you have two parents colluding in denial, two parents who are colluding in evasion and are so invested in their own defensive positions, it's almost as if anything that's offered, whilst kind of acknowledged as theoretically possible, doesn't get acted upon.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: There you go.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it just keeps rolling on.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: As a consequence, the children adapted because they always do, adapted to the dysfunction.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, one of them learned that achievement was a vehicle through which identity and some degree of safety and affirmation could be found.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Not because this was a conscious decision, but it was a it was it was evidenced by the fact that the child who was doing well was gaining some sense of worth through that.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the competence, it was pleasing, but it was in stark contrast to the fact that the other carried the family's distress far more openly.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional storms became a crises, schools became concerned, professionals became involved, violence occurred towards the other child and towards the parents.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: The concerns continued.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yet even then, the family's attention remained fixed upon a different question.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Who is right?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And also a kind of powerlessness which was a we don't know what to do.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you think being told, but who is right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than not what are these children trying to tell us, that question would prove to be the most important one of all.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Children carry the truth.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: The truth I'm talking about is their truth.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: That truth is underpinned by uncommon sense.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is through the interpretation of the relationships, the behavioral patterns that emerge, not over a few weeks or months, but throughout the child's life.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: That was the culture.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: The culture said it is not okay to be open.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not okay to repair differences.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what we do in this family.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: What we do in this family is we polarize.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Both father and mother became bad objects in each other's eyes.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And to some large extent, in the eyes of the children.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: For one child, the father was clearly identified as the bad object.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: The child was repeatedly told so by the mother.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the mother was simultaneously demeaned in front of the children, repeatedly so.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, the other child internalized that and began to behave in the same way.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: So the children moved from being children to being almost actors of the drama.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: One identifying more with the other, and the other being identified more with the father, but they were in opposition, and that opposition led to bouts of violence.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: It led to considerable distress.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, whilst that was largely in the house, it wasn't too long before it started to express itself outside of the house, where it became more visible, more concerning.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Although it was concerning as it happened, but nonetheless, even though the guidance was repeatedly offered, intervention was repeatedly offered, it never happened.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was tokenism.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't meaningful.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because there was an avoidant and very damaging culture within that family.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because the grown-ups didn't behave in a way, regardless of whatever difficulties there were, they didn't behave in a way that was prepared to face the reality.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: The reality was there is a sickness in this family, and a sickness that continues to find expression, and it will remain.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: If we remain, though, ourselves, we risk missing something much larger.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: These kinds of families don't appear overnight, and children don't suddenly become anxious, withdrawn, violent, aggressive, or overwhelmed.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's always history, there's always a sequence, there's always a process.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Clinicians are often asked, what is wrong with this child?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it is an understandable question.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: But very often my response to this is the child is expressing something which is about what is wrong within the family.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: The child is not the problem, the child is expressing a problem.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And everybody within the family plays a part.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: That leads me to think and to ask, what's happened to this child?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: How did this child get this way?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And very often it's not too difficult for me to create a formulation from which I then offer guidance and try and correct what has happened and the trajectory.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I have no problem with telling families, telling parents this is where this child is going.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now that is underpinned not by conjecture, it's underpinned by decades of experience, a comprehensive knowledge, research analysis, and just the lived experience of working with children and young people who have already traveled much further down this journey and have had maybe three emergency admissions to hospital as a consequence of suicide attempts, or children who've been arrested and detained because of acts of violence, children who were found, or young people found unconscious and about to experience liver failure because they have been now drinking in a park somewhere with other disenfranchised children, children who've been arrested for criminal offenses, including violence, children with drug difficulties.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is what happens.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes what happens is I get the child or young person, once they're already at that point, and it's still possible to turn them around if people pay attention, if people are prepared to look at the bigger picture.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Some children do end up incarcerated.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Some children end up as addicts, some children commit crimes that are very concerning.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Things like actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Some children will carry weapons.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I might use the word children to describe those under the age of 18.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: But this is real life.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for me, the graduation from the distress being expressed behaviorally in the present points to a direction, points in a direction where these sorts of things are possible.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: But what about diversion?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: What about an alternative route?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because there almost always is one.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: But if you point out the alternative route, the diversion, the way of offsetting the damage, and it's ignored, well, I guess the journey just carries on.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, children internalize emotional realities of others because they observe them.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: They don't necessarily make sense of them, but their nervous systems are able to absorb environments, able to absorb atmospheres, tension, raised voices.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that resonates with them and it stays inside them.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: So what if a child or children grow up in an environment where one person or both parties lose control?
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: What what is that like for them?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: What if what if the person who loses control becomes completely dregulated?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Is that frightening for a child?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: When either your mother or father have lost control completely and you witness it, what do you do?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Do you become the counterbalancer, the person who tries to care for the mother or father?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Parentification is what that's called.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you absent yourself?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens if there's no rupture?
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'll say that again.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: What happens if there's no repair after a dramatic rupture?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: It just goes underground, nothing gets fixed.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, generally speaking, that's not very bright.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because children need to learn that things do go wrong, but we put them right.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, they grow up into people who are just continuing the same dysfunction, and they'll take it into their families.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: There are times when also there's an absence of affection, just generally in the family, or one child may be constantly seeking affection, needing the reassurance that they are connected.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: But there is always that tension that never quite disappears, the apology that never comes.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now they're not going to understand those things intellectually, they'll experience them emotionally over and over again.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that produces a repeated, unspoken question.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Am I safe?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Not merely physically safe, although to be honest, in this family that was a very relevant question to ask.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Am I emotionally safe?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Relationally safe?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is my parent or are my parents relationally safe?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is it safe enough for me to be myself?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine growing up in a family where conflict is never resolved.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Every disagreement requires a winner and a loser, where loyalty slowly becomes more important than the truth, where loving one parent begins to feel like betraying the other, where the emotional atmosphere changes from one day to the next without explanation, or in the same day.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: What does a child do with that?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: They adapt.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: They always adapt.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: But they adapt badly because they have no choice.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: One child discovers that achievement offers some kind of protection, so they work harder.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then they will be easier and they'll make fewer demands, or perhaps everyone will be alright.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's counterbalancing.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: The other child does something very different.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: If nobody's speaking the truth, their behavior will throw anxiety, violence, panic, anger, withdrawal, despair.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not because children consciously choose those paths, but because human beings can't indefinitely contain emotional realities that remain unnamed and conflicting.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Over many years, I've come to think of children as emotional archivists of their families.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: They preserve experiences that adults can no longer bear to examine.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: They carry grief that has never been mourned, fear that hasn't been spoken, shame that's never found words, conflict that's never found repair.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, these experiences must have expression, not because children are disordered, but because psychological reality always seeks a voice.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I have never regarded symptoms as the enemy.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Symptoms are messengers.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ignore them at your peril.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Anxiety may tell us that safety has become uncertain.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Perfectionism may tell us that love has become conditional.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Withdrawal may tell us that hope has become exhausted.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Aggression may tell us that terror has finally found somewhere to live.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: The symptom is not the beginning of the story, it's usually the final chapter of one, and one that began many years earlier.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: And here we encounter something profoundly important.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Every family develops stories about itself.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Often those are healthy ones.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: They give identity, continuity, a sense of belonging.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes stories become tireless defenses.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: And children aren't equipped to deal with that.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of helping us understand reality, they just begin protecting us from it.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: They explain away pain rather than inviting us to understand.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: And for a while it may seem to work.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone knows their role: the victim, the persecutor, the capable child, the difficult child.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the story seems to explain everything until reality begins to refuse to cooperate.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Children become distressed, relationships begin to fracture, schools ask questions, professionals make observations, and patterns begin to emerge that no single conversation can explain because the expression has become great enough for other professionals to be involved.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Social workers, the police, the courts, hospitals, emergency units.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And somebody is going to say, What is going on?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: What explains this?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Multi-agency service hubs look initially at the family when there is a concern, whether it's direct safeguarding concern, or whether the behavior of the child or young person indicates that maybe they are at risk of emotional harm.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: They may even be the ones responsible for causing it.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: But that's because they're damaged.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually the weight becomes greater than the strength of the defenses.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is the collision between illusion and reality.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: And what we see is not a dramatic moment, although sometimes that can be the case.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: More often we see a pattern of moments that become greater in intensity.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: And they're impossible to ignore.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when the defensive organization finally begins to collapse, it reveals something painful and potentially hopeful.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because everyone can now see what's been happening.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because actually, there's nowhere to hide anymore.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you continue to play the game and you continue to not take responsibility for your part in the situation,