Latest / Just Listen To Me / Sexual Rejection Has Nothing to Do With Attraction
Transcript
- Julia.shay-au: Hi, I'm Julia and welcome back to Just Listen To Me. If love feels confusing or painful right now, you're not broken and neither is your relationship. Let's slow this down together. Today I wanna talk about something that many couples struggle with, but very few people feel comfortable talking about openly. Six, not in a sensational or salacious way, but in a grounded, honest way that helps us understand what's actually happening in relationships. Because sex, intimacy and attachment are deeply intertwined. And when couples begin to struggle sexually, it's rarely just about sex. It's usually about the bond. Before we begin, just a gentle reminder to take care of yourself while listening today. Even though we're talking about sexuality, we'll also be touching on some emotionally delicate topics, so please go gentle with yourself and take breaks if you need to. What does sex have to do with attachment? The short answer, a lot. In earlier episodes, we talked about the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in relationships. In emotionally focused therapy, this is how we often describe the interaction between partners with anxious and avoidant attachment patterns. The pursuer tends to reach for more connection, more reassurance. more closeness. Underneath that pursuit is usually a fear of abandonment. The withdrawer, on the other hand, tends to create space. They may shut down, pull back, or become quiet. Underneath that withdrawal is often a different fear. The fear of getting it wrong, being criticised, or feeling overwhelmed or engulfed. And it's important to say this clearly. Withdrawers do want connection. They just experience closeness differently, often shaped by early attachment experiences. When we talk about the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic, we're usually talking about emotional connection. But what many people don't realize is that this dynamic also shows up in the sexual relationship. In episode two, we talked about gender patterns that often appear in heterosexual relationships. Very often, though not always, emotional pursuers tend to be women and emotional withdrawers tend to be men. But when we move into the sexual relationship, something interesting often happens. The pattern can flip. In many heterosexual relationships, The sexual pursuer is often the male partner and the sexual withdrawer is often the female partner. In same sex relationships, the gender dynamic obviously shifts, but the pattern itself is still very common. One partner tends to pursue sexual connection and the other tends to withdraw. This doesn't mean something is wrong with the relationship, but it can create tension. Because when one partner is reaching and the other is pulling back, both people can end up feeling misunderstood. Many couples who come into my office are experiencing what I call a crisscross dynamic. One partner is the emotional pursuer, but the sexual withdrawer. The other partner is the emotional withdrawer, but the sexual pursuer. So each partner ends up feeling rejected, but in different ways. One partner might be saying, why won't you talk to me? Why won't you open up emotionally? while the other might be saying, why don't you want me physically anymore? Both partners feel unseen, both feel hurt, and both feel like their needs are not being understood. Because neither partner fully understands the pattern they're caught in, and they often start blaming each other instead of recognizing the cycle. To give you a real example of how this can play out, I once worked with a heterosexual couple where the wife was the emotional pursuer, but the sexual withdrawer. She deeply longed for emotional connection. She wanted longer conversations, more vulnerability, more reassurance that they were emotionally close. But sexually, she felt shut down. Her partner experienced that sexual withdrawal as rejection. So he pursued her more physically, initiating sex more often, touching her more, trying to close that distance. But the more he pursued physically, the more pressure she felt, and the more pressure she felt, the more she withdrew. Meanwhile, he experienced her withdrawal as confirmation that he wasn't wanted. So both partners were hurting. Both felt rejected. but neither of them realised they were reacting to the same attachment cycle from two different, completely different places. And this is where understanding the pattern becomes so powerful. Because once couples can see the cycle, instead of seeing each other as the problem, everything begins to soften. The other dynamic I see quite often is what I call the straight down the line couple. In this relationship, one partner is both the emotional pursuer and the sexual pursuer. The other partner is both the emotional withdraw and the sexual withdraw. This can be particularly painful for the pursuing partner because they can feel like they're reaching for their partner on every level, emotionally, and physically and being rejected again and again. Over time, that can be devastating. It can start to trigger deep fears of being unwanted, unimportant or fundamentally undesirable. Sometimes this dynamic can even be misinterpreted as manipulation or control through the withholding of sex. But in relationship where coercive control is not present, the reasons are usually much more complex. It might be differences in libido, life stage changes like pregnancy or childbirth, hormonal changes, or trauma responses connected to past experiences such as sexual abuse or assault. Again, context matters. In heterosexual relationships, this dynamic can sometimes feel even more emotionally charged, particularly when the female partner is both the emotional and sexual withdraw, and the male partner is both the emotional and sexual pursuer. Because when one partner is repeatedly pursuing and feeling rejected, emotions can run high. And depending on how that pursuit shows up, whether it's gentle reaching, or angry demanding, the dynamic can begin to feel unsafe. That's why the tone of pursuit matters so much. Because anger and pressure will almost always deepen withdrawal. Safety is the foundation of intimacy, always. Another important piece of this puzzle is biology. Sex isn't just a physical act, it's also a bonding experience. During the early honeymoon stage of a relationship, sex releases large amounts of dopamine, the brain's feel-good chemical. This creates excitement, closeness, and emotional bonding. Physical affection, even non-sexual affection like cuddling, releases oxytocin, often referred to as the bonding hormone. So when sexual and physical intimacy disappear from a relationship, couples also lose some of the biological experiences that reinforce closeness. And the sense of disconnection can deepen. Sexual intimacy is also strongly influenced by life stage. For example, women in perimenopause or menopause experience significant hormonal shifts. Drops in estrogen and progesterone can create physical symptoms that make sex uncomfortable or even painful. At the same time, declining testosterone levels can reduce libido. Men also experiencing experience hormonal changes as they age. Lower testosterone can affect sexual drive as well as erectile ⁓ function. And then there's the reality of modern life. Careers, children, financial stress, exhaustion. Couples who once had time for spontaneity, romance and late night connection often find themselves overwhelmed. by the practical demands of life. And intimacy quietly falls to the bottom of the priority list. Over time, I often see couples arrive in counselling where sexual and physical intimacy has been absent for months, sometimes even years. And underneath the question about sex is often a deeper question. Who are we to each other now? Are we partners, roommates, co-parents, strangers sharing a house? Often couples don't realise how far the disconnection has gone until the negative emotional cycle has completely taken hold of the relationship. By that point, there can be a lot of anger, a lot of sadness, and a deep sense of loneliness inside the relationship. This is where couples counselling can be incredibly helpful because the first step is always identifying the negative cycle. Not who is the problem, but what pattern the couple is caught in. Then we begin exploring the sexual relationship with curiosity rather than blame. Who tends to pursue sexually? Who tends to withdraw? When did that pattern begin? What was happening in the relationship at that time? And most importantly, how can the couple reconnect emotionally and physically? in a way that strengthens the attachment bond. Because at its core, the work is not really about sex. It's about safety. It's about vulnerability. It's about rebuilding that sense that we're a team. Because when intimacy disappears from a relationship, couples often start telling themselves very painful stories. I'm not attractive anymore. They don't want me. Maybe they never really loved me. But very often, what's actually happening is much less dramatic and much more human. Two nervous systems that no longer feel safe enough to reach for each other. Two people who still care deeply but have lost their way back to connection. And the beautiful thing about attachment work is this. When emotional safety begins to return, intimacy often begins to return with it. not through pressure, not through obligation, but through closeness, through softness, through that quiet moment when two people begin to feel safe with each other again. Thank you for listening today. I hope something in this episode helped and I hope that it brought more understanding to your relationship. And as always, take care of yourself. I'll see you next time.