Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / I Didn’t Get Hit But It Hurt Anyway....

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I Didn’t Get Hit But It Hurt Anyway.... · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the companion episode to the one that I posted with regard to mothers who are endeavoring to recover from coercive controlled domestic abuse.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: And this one's different in as much as I want to talk to women, because it's obviously wrong to assume that it's only mothers, it is about people.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think it would be a good idea just to start with a few facts.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery happens in stages, and those are quite recognizable.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a single moment, it's a psychological process.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And while every woman's journey is unique, there are some recognizable stages that many will move through, not in a straight line, but in a gradual, unfolding sort of way.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But before we begin, it's important to understand something, and that is that you really are not alone.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because in the UK, it's estimated that around 2.3 million adults experience domestic abuse each year, and the majority of victims are women.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So across a lifetime, approximately one in four women in the UK will experience domestic abuse in some form, including coercive and controlling behavior, psychological abuse, and emotional manipulation.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So while I respect that your experience is deeply personal, it is also part of a wider reality.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: And recovery is both possible and common.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think the first stage of recovery is what we call recognition and naming.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: It begins with the recognition that this is something that has happened rather than something that was normal.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: What happened was not the woman's fault, and what happened had psychological impact.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: When women are immersed in survival mode, the capacity to actually see what's happening, even when everybody else can, is almost always compromised.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not until there is a distance between that and the present that the woman could begin to realize actually what happened wasn't normal.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: This this is wrong.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Before this, many women will say, well, it wasn't that bad, or you know, he didn't hit me.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I should have, or they might say, I should have handled it better, or maybe it was me.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he's right, maybe I'm making this up.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I've heard that in the consulting room.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: But in the UK, psychological and coercive control is now formally recognized in law because research shows that non-physical abuse can be as psychologically damaging as as physical abuse itself, and the effect upon children is very alarming.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: What therapy does is it helps by gently bringing a kind of clarity which enables the identifying of patterns of behavior rather than single episodes.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sort of joining the dots and seeing there's a pattern here.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: It names emotional manipulation and it recognizes those controlling, gaslighting, and fear-creating experiences.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this stage is really helpful, but it can bring mixed emotions, I mean relief, grief, anger, shock, but that's the beginning of psychological awakening.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now the stage two is emotional unfreezing because during these relationships, many women survive by emotionally freezing.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: They suppress fear, anger, hurt, and confusion.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So in therapy, when safety begins to form, those emotions often emerge.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And this stage may involve sudden waves of grief, anger, tears, and emotional vulnerability.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not regression, it's the nervous system thawing after survival mode and is essentially trying to recalibrate.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Many survivors report that this stage is when they first begin to fully feel alive again, even though it can feel overwhelming.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Therapy helps contain and regulate these emotions so that they can be processed rather than be overwhelmed by them.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: The third stage is understanding the internalized abuser.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most significant psychological effects of coercive control is internalization.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: The controlling voice that's external becomes internal.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds like self-criticism, self-doubt, fear of being wrong, expectation of blame.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Even when the relationship has ended, the psychological influence remains.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And many women describe this as I left, but the voice stayed.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think therapy helps women to identify the internalized voice and differentiate it from their authentic self.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I'll say to patients, who else would have said what you've just said?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Can you think of anyone?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really nice when they say, Oh, no, that's not me, is it?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I say, No, that's that's not you.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: That was then.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So therapy also helps women to challenge the authority of this voice and replace it with a more reassuring, compassionate, and grounded voice.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: We often call this the reclaiming of psychological autonomy.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: In the fourth stage, we see trauma and triggering processing because as recovery deepens, emotional triggers often become more visible.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now in the UK research shows that many survivors of domestic abuse experience symptoms consistent with trauma responses, including anxiety, hypervigilance, emotional flooding, even long after the relationship ends.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And triggers may include conflict, tone of voice, silence, feeling criticized, loss of control.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when triggered, the body may react with anxiety, panic, shutdown, shame, or urges to appease or withdraw.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And therapy helps by making triggers understandable, teaching emotional regulation, linking present actions to past experience, and gradually reducing emotional reactivity.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, those triggers lose intensity and the nervous system begins to recognize the present rather than the past and experiencing the present as safer from the past.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Stage five is what is something we call rebuilding identity.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this is because abusive and coercive relationships often erode identity.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Women may lose confidence, lose their voice, their preferences, and their self-trust.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And research consistently shows that psychological abuse strongly impacts self-esteem and identity, often more than physical injury.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And in therapy, this stage involves reconnecting with personal values, reclaiming decision-making abilities and rebuilding self-trust.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this is really quite important because it's a form of returning to the self that existed before the control.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I should say at this point that for some women this experience has been a pattern, which means that there is additional work to do as well.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I say it's a pattern, that's not a criticism at all.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: It is more the case that certainly in my experience, when women look back at the kinds of relationships they've had, there are very often similar themes.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Stage six is about relearning safety and boundaries, and this is what we call relational repair, because it includes understanding healthy versus controlling dynamics, learning to set boundaries without fear, learning to trust intuition again, and feeling safe expressing needs.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think therapy supports this by, in a sense, enabling that to happen in the consulting room and by being able to help with emotional regulation, self-worth, and internal safety.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't to do with therapy using a prescribed method, it has to do with the relationship between the therapist and the patient.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is quite important.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's a truth about the recovery process, it's not linear.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Women move back and forth between stages, you know, feeling strong one day, vulnerable the next, triggered unexpectedly, doubting progress.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that comes to mind is some women report dreams that are like replays of events, or dreams in which they feel powerless or of having to face impossible tasks.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this is another example of the brain trying to process something.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are somebody who experiences that, it does not mean there's something wrong.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: It means the nervous system is reorganizing after prolonged stress.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: So what therapy provides in recovery is a reliable, consistent experience of emotional containment, psychological understanding, regulation support in as much as we are people who can tolerate the emotions of others, which in turn enables people to learn to tolerate those feelings themselves.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a gradual rebuilding of the self.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't erase what's happened, but it changes the relationship that people have with what has happened.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: In the UK, thousands of women move through recovery every year.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: They rebuild safety, identity, and emotional stability after abuse.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now that strength is really important because women who survive domestic abuse often underestimate something profound.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: That the fact that a woman was able to endure that requires a great deal of ability and determination, and ironically, it's that same determination and that strength that will help you to recover.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And recovery doesn't mean forgetting, it means that the internalized voice loses power, your body feels safer, self-trust returns, and identity reforms.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly, quietly, life is no longer organized around fear.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery is possible and women become stronger.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And with support, it is sustainable.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: There are a number of organizations that help women, and if you have contact with them, you will find unconditional acceptance and a desire to help you recover.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, I hope this has been helpful.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.