Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Let Go Of Control

Transcript

How To Let Go Of Control · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about how to let
0:11
go of control. This is follow-up to the control
0:15
issues in men one. But also the CEO and resentful
0:19
employee Dynamic that I wrote about and of course, everything
0:25
about maternal gatekeeping, which means when men think that
0:28
women are doing so much and around the house and telling
0:32
them that they're doing it wrong, that the woman ends up
0:34
doing everything. But then, but like the man was
0:37
trying, and she was actually saying, no, no, you're doing it
0:40
wrong. You're doing it wrong till he
0:41
stops trying. So like those are various types
0:44
of control, we'll get into others.
0:46
But first do subscribe. The most recent one that I had
0:50
was about when men are doing stuff around the house, like
0:55
fixing stuff, but their wives don't really care and why this
0:58
may be and how people think really differently about things
1:01
like this, and why? So, But moving on, to today's
1:06
topic, if you have already subscribed, you know that I
1:10
write about the Dynamics of couples that you meet in
1:12
counseling. And one of them that I wrote
1:15
about which I don't even think what subscription was the CEO
1:19
and resentful employee. So how does somebody become a
1:22
CEO? How could you tell if you have
1:23
control issues? Well, you are the one, who's
1:26
doing everything. Like, that's usually the easy
1:28
way to tell you. Somehow for some reason, end up
1:31
doing everything and like this, even It was it predated usually
1:37
the relationship. It was when you did group work,
1:40
it's kind of how it goes up, work work.
1:42
It was it's how you are with your spouse, of course.
1:46
But it's probably how you were in previous relationships.
1:49
You end up picking everything, choosing everything.
1:52
It's your way. You think that everything that
1:55
isn't the way that you do it is inefficient or stupid.
1:59
Even if you may not say those things and you have really
2:02
specific ideas of how things should go.
2:04
You frequently have a real specific routine and you always
2:08
have reasons why things have to go exactly your way.
2:11
Like, it just wouldn't work any other way, you know?
2:14
And so, I talked a lot about this and in previous podcasts,
2:17
including the control issues in men.
2:19
So this manifest in your partner, kind of resenting.
2:23
You and disliking interacting with you, because everything's
2:26
got to be your way or the highway.
2:28
And while you may not say that explicitly implicitly, they know
2:32
that if they don't do it your way, you're either gonna Go
2:35
after them and fix it. So they'll load the dishwasher
2:38
but then you'll reload the dishwasher or else you'll just
2:40
kind of bitch and moan and sulk at various levels of
2:44
annoyingness until things go back to being your way.
2:48
You know, some people even punished with the silent
2:50
treatment you know when things don't go their way and how can
2:55
you work on? This was a question that I got
2:58
and therapy can obviously help you work on it.
3:01
But what would you really be doing in therapy?
3:03
Will you would be first of all? Vol seeing who this is, like,
3:06
it's always a parent you know unless there are some situations
3:10
where people were so severely neglected that they had to
3:12
parent themselves, right from the beginning.
3:14
And so they had to come up with routines and shit.
3:18
From the time they were like six years old.
3:20
So then, of course, they're going to be really firmly
3:23
attached to those routines now because having routines and
3:26
figuring out how to organize their lives, kind of help them.
3:30
And rescued them, that aspect of their character grew over.
3:34
Large, but it was adaptive when they were kids.
3:38
So for people who had parents, who are alcoholics or who were
3:42
depressed suffering with severe mental illness, what have you?
3:46
And they had to really take care of themselves, a parental fight,
3:48
child has to take care of even a parent then.
3:52
Yeah, being really highly organized, helped you a lot to.
3:54
It's hard to now as an adult realize that it's sabotaging
3:58
your relationships with your spouse and likely your kids, but
4:02
most people just didn't have that.
4:04
Severe neglect, but just saw are really controlling parent, and
4:08
that parent was always looking down on, alternate ways to do
4:11
things. So the child who looks up to the
4:13
parent thinks that, you know, there really is only one correct
4:17
way to do things. Thankfully, this parent knows
4:19
what it is. And then, even if later in life,
4:21
they repudiate the parents, exact specifications or
4:25
preferences, you know, you don't have to cook exactly like your
4:28
mother, but you cook at specific way, that's your mother cooked
4:33
only one specific Like three things or like whatever or
4:38
needed the kitchen a certain way while she cooked or only at a
4:40
certain time or whatever. So what you would be working on
4:44
is first seeing how did you feel when this person that you know
4:49
your parent talk to you in a controlling way and try to
4:52
control you you likely felt a lot of resentment and that is a
4:56
really good jumping-off point to understand and empathize with
4:59
How likely your kids and your parent.
5:01
I'd rather your partner feels talking to you.
5:03
You are the Controlling parent that you had in this Dynamic and
5:08
that understanding how they make our in fear and be feel very
5:13
resentful when you come into the room.
5:16
Because you're going to say that they did something wrong, and
5:18
that everything has to go your way and quick, quick Chop Chop,
5:21
hurry up and all of these sorts of things that may help.
5:24
You see, you don't really want to be like this.
5:27
It can be really helpful when you are trying to work on
5:31
controlling this to also focus on What you are preventing
5:36
yourself from getting. So, usually you're looking at
5:38
the positives, like, if I really stick to this routine then
5:40
everybody gets up and out in the morning, it's great.
5:43
If I don't, if I shop for back-to-school supplies, you
5:46
know, a month before and I'd has to be a month before and only a
5:50
month before. It only has to be from this
5:52
place and I have to do it exactly in this way.
5:54
Then everything works. Well, doesn't it?
5:56
I mean, my kids always have their school supplies.
5:58
Well you can also think about the other way.
6:01
The thing is your kids are not learning to be flexible.
6:04
They're not Likely learning to be spontaneous or probably fun
6:09
unless it's a real prescribed scheduled kind of fun.
6:12
And these things are going to make them not only less likeable
6:15
as people and less functional within Intimate Relationships
6:18
but even less efficient on the job and less effective on the
6:22
job. Because unless they're all just
6:24
going to become like accountants or somebody who really really
6:27
needs to use an Excel spreadsheet, you know, 24/7 for
6:30
their career, most higher level job Involved and probably higher
6:36
level accountants as well certainly actually they do they
6:38
have to talk to clients, right? So anybody who has to interface
6:42
with people as part of their career and I apologize to all
6:46
the accountants I might have unwittingly insulted, I just
6:48
think of one of them is very organized people because I could
6:51
never do it myself. But in any sort of career
6:57
including accounting the higher you get, the more you have to
6:59
interact with people and if you come off extremely controlling,
7:03
nobody's To like you they're not they're going to go with
7:06
somebody who seems more flexible and more laid-back and more
7:10
calm. And also they people do not like
7:15
interacting with controlling people because they feel
7:18
diminished, they feel patronized so it's very hard to to make
7:24
people like to hang out with you when they always feel that
7:26
you're looking down on them. So think about the the ways that
7:30
being controlling is stopping you from getting the things that
7:33
you want to stop. Your kids from learning certain
7:37
things, that may be very important for you to teach them
7:39
as their parent, such as flexibility spontaneity.
7:43
Also load sharing teams, like the fact that you can be on a
7:48
team with a spouse and they can actually do something, you know,
7:52
and not just be relegated to this kind of, you know, useless
7:56
role. Because you actually of course
7:58
have to do everything because they you think that they're so
8:00
useless, the kids pick up on that and they figure.
8:02
Oh my God and every Yep, there's somebody who does everything
8:06
because they're smart and somebody who can really do
8:08
anything because they're stupid and you do not want to teach
8:11
your kids that especially, but maybe it's, it's bad on both
8:14
sides. If they only learned that one
8:16
Dynamic that you're showing them of you having to do everything
8:19
because your spouse is so useless, then either they're
8:22
going to become the useless spouse themselves or they're
8:24
going to become the controlling person who is a Shackled with
8:27
somebody quote unquote useless because this is the only Dynamic
8:30
that they know. And you do not want to teach
8:33
that to your children. You want to Tell me more
8:35
egalitarian respectful, loving type of relationship.
8:41
Which means that unfortunately, you know, they can come up with
8:45
that. I don't know where so you are
8:46
definitely going to have to model more of that.
8:49
If you want them to learn how to do it, being controlling, also
8:53
specifically, for men really takes away your wife sex drive
8:56
and it really does increasingly I'm seeing that it does for for
9:00
when women are controlling it takes away, men, sex drive to so
9:03
it isn't Always just that low desire and Men is because of low
9:07
testosterone sometimes it's because they are really really
9:10
resentful and they feel like they're always being told what
9:12
to do and so one thing that they could keep control of is their
9:15
dick so they are that that one they can't you know be just told
9:20
to do at this time in this and this and this they have to
9:22
actually be in charge of that and so passive-aggressively,
9:26
they don't initiate sex because it's literally the only thing
9:29
they're allowed to initiates. They're like, fuck you.
9:31
You know, like I'm My Own man. Even in this one, small All way.
9:35
And so that's frequently how men respond to women who are very
9:39
controlling and more. Usually women respond to
9:44
controlling males by also growing very distant and
9:47
unaffectionate, because you feel condescended to and you feel
9:50
look down on this doesn't make anybody feel close, you know?
9:54
And, and so the controlling nature actually diminishes the
10:00
relationships, it doesn't make them easier things.
10:02
Don't do more efficiently and then, So if you just do
10:05
everything your way and plan everything perfectly, then your
10:08
spouse has more time to hang out with you at night.
10:11
Yeah, maybe they do but they don't want to hang out with you
10:13
at night because they got kind of criticized implicitly all
10:16
day. And so they don't really like to
10:18
hang out with you at night because the mood isn't there.
10:21
Shall we say what else? Actually, in reality being
10:26
controlling can enable your spouse to grow more and more,
10:29
quote, unquote useless. And I say useless, because
10:31
frequently people will say this of their spouse Didn't couples
10:35
counseling as much thankfully, but an individual will say, well
10:38
if the person wasn't just so useless and incompetent, then I
10:42
wouldn't have to do everything in reality, no person.
10:46
I mean, some people, I guess, you know, or more useless than
10:49
others but everything's a spectrum.
10:52
There are no human beings who have like no, no skills, no
10:56
value by just virtue of being, a human being you have inherent
11:00
worth and value. So think about why your spouse
11:03
may be acting so quickly. Quote, unquote, useless or
11:05
incompetent, you know, likely it's because they weren't
11:09
allowed to learn anything so they can't do anything.
11:12
So if you wonder why your spouse doesn't cook, think back about
11:16
how it went the times that your spouse tried to cook or even try
11:20
to heat something up, or even try to slice a fruit.
11:24
Are you somebody that's always looking askance and almost
11:28
either outright laughing at them or kind of eye rolling or
11:31
sighing, or just, you know, just silently taking Over and doing
11:35
it and never you know, allowing them to do it again because you
11:38
can quote do better, you know, if you are engaging in this then
11:42
it's no wonder certainly your spouse is competence, has
11:44
deteriorated over time because they're not allowed to do
11:47
anything. It's like keeping and people do
11:49
this with their kids to. So then they're like gee why
11:51
can't my, why isn't my kid, know how to even sweep up a mess?
11:55
Oh man. Have you been letting them sweep
11:57
up a mess? When's the last time you had
11:59
them sweep up a Mets when they were like, 34 years old.
12:01
I wanted to help you said, no, because they would make a bigger
12:04
mess. They're 56 years old, you said
12:06
you let them do it. Maybe for three seconds and you
12:08
took it over and show them that you're doing it wrong.
12:10
Seven, eight, nine. They already didn't try and now
12:12
you're asking them a 10. How's it going to do it attend?
12:15
If they weren't doing it from the time they were young.
12:17
So, the controlling aspect of a parent really keeps a child at a
12:23
stunted. Emotional and developmental age
12:26
where they learn to do nothing really where there many years
12:29
less competent developmentally than they should be because they
12:33
haven't been allowed to Learn because if they learn, the
12:37
parent can't handle it. So you need to really, really,
12:40
they can't handle it. Say the mass or the uncertainty
12:43
of whether, you know, the child will do, the it, the right way.
12:46
Or even just watching the child. Learn feels like crew, you know,
12:50
the parents cringing because they know they can do it so much
12:52
better. And so much more effectively or
12:55
perhaps because they think that they are the only one who can do
12:58
it safely or like, whatever the case may be.
13:01
So if you really train your mind out and you're somebody who
13:03
struggles with Troll issues right down like five things that
13:07
have been lost to you that have been hurt because you are
13:10
controlling one might be I have lost the the ability to split
13:15
chores with my spouse because my spouse hasn't tried to do chores
13:18
and years, you know, because I always say they did it wrong
13:22
quite honestly, you know, and that's probably why or I have
13:26
lost the ability to make my wife laughs.
13:28
Because when I walk into the room, she looks up at me with
13:32
eyes that she's like, she's kind of scared of me.
13:34
It's the craziest thing. How would it do anything bad to
13:37
my wife? But when I think about it, I
13:38
guess. It's because I'm critical.
13:40
Because I'm controlling, because I'm cold, because she can't
13:42
trust me to be nice. How about my kids?
13:44
And my kids get off their ass? No, they don't.
13:47
Why? Because all these years I've
13:49
been saying, no, forget it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it,
13:52
I'll do it. Forget it, I'll do it.
13:53
You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong.
13:54
I'll do it. I'll do it, I'll do it.
13:56
Well then guess what they do. They say fine, you do it, you
13:59
know, and they sit down. How about on the job?
14:02
Do you have perfect reviews on the job?
14:04
Probably not all those people function, a hell of a lot better
14:07
on the job than they do in interpersonal, relationships it
14:09
with intimate partners and children.
14:11
So, you may well know how to couch, you're controlling this
14:15
at work. But then, you know, still comes
14:17
out at home and think about other things.
14:20
Well, the time honestly, that is lost.
14:22
I mean, you could have probably train for a marathon if you
14:25
would have just been not giving so much of a shit about certain
14:29
things going, expertly and efficiently in the home.
14:33
So you can write And things out of five is too many just get to
14:36
two or three. If you really focus on those on
14:39
those negative aspects of it, particularly the fact that your
14:44
spouse and your kids are likely very resentful / anxious around
14:50
you. Then this can often make people
14:52
want to understand, they need to step back and how do you step
14:56
back? Will you just fucking step back?
14:58
You got to try to practice, walking out of the room and
15:03
allowing your spouse. For children to do things that
15:06
you just never ever criticize. You don't criticize it when it's
15:09
happening. You just do a moratorium on
15:11
criticism and you don't criticize it.
15:13
After the fact, you don't say good job.
15:15
But next time, if I were you, I would have done, blah, blah
15:17
blah. You don't say, okay, you know.
15:20
Yeah, that's that's that's a way to sweep up but you know in
15:24
reality what you do is this this this you don't take it over, you
15:27
don't do it over the next time that you feel like you want to
15:31
take over there. So these are the things you want
15:33
to either take over. Task.
15:35
You want to criticize the task or you want to like horror to
15:39
the task and not allow anybody to do it.
15:41
But you so somebody's doing something and you take it over
15:44
or you criticize or you don't let them do it to begin with
15:47
because you've already done it. So the next time that you do
15:50
these things just give yourself a moratorium on it.
15:54
Try to do that for a week. If you, if you are truly a very
15:57
controlling person and you get rid of explicit and implicit
16:00
criticism for one week, you'll have a completely different
16:05
Different feel in your home. The atmosphere will lighten
16:08
considerably. Your spouse may have been asked
16:09
if you're taking an antidepressant, you know,
16:11
because an actually ironically, when people do take
16:14
antidepressants, this is something that their spouse is
16:16
notice is that they stop hovering and correcting and
16:20
instructing. So there's no instructing, no
16:23
correcting. No, hovering, and what are you
16:25
thinking of your thinking of all that, you're going to gain and
16:28
the trust and the the confidence that you're going to engender in
16:33
your spouse and children by Allowing them to pick things,
16:36
choose things and do things. So this goes for preferences to.
16:39
So a lot of people who are controlling, they pick
16:42
everything they say. All right, we're going to lunch
16:44
here, we're going here, we're doing this, we're doing that.
16:46
And they don't even really asked anybody or they asked but only
16:50
in a way that the people know what to say.
16:52
So they say to their wife. So do you want to have Chinese
16:57
or Italian? And the woman like looks at him
17:00
and he looks at her and then she's like well I mean I don't
17:03
know what do you He's like Italian.
17:06
So that guy got to tell himself that he's being not controlling
17:09
but in reality they both know, she's really not allowed to pick
17:12
things because if she picks things, then he becomes an
17:16
asshole and sulks etcetera. And if you think this sounds
17:20
like, like, like why would that woman go along with that must be
17:23
something wrong with her. You're right, takes two to
17:25
tango. She probably grew up with a
17:27
really controlling parent and she became the controlled rather
17:31
than the controller Shirley anybody's.
17:33
Guess when See a dynamic like this and you're a child.
17:36
You're seeing your parents. It's really anybody's guess,
17:38
which one you're going to be it? Interacts with your personality
17:41
and basically who you are. So a less confident, child
17:45
raised by controlling parent, may turn into a controlled
17:48
spouse. That looks subconsciously for
17:51
controlling partner, whereas if you're maybe a stronger sort of
17:55
more confident, personality raised as a child in the house.
17:59
With the control, a review will model yourself after the
18:01
controlling one and you will find in a partner.
18:03
Somebody Who, you know, defers to you.
18:06
This again, is a Mago Theory where we are looking
18:09
subconsciously for something in our parent and then trying to
18:12
change them in ways we never could.
18:14
So the wife of the guy who won't really let her pick Chinese or
18:17
Italian is hoping against hope that one day, you know, he does
18:22
turn to her and say sweetheart, you know, I've picked the
18:24
restaurant for 30 years, it's your turn.
18:27
I mean he doesn't like spoiler alert, he doesn't do that unless
18:30
he's been in like extreme therapy, you know, or she To
18:34
leave him or something. And the guy who is controlling
18:38
who does he want, he wants somebody who defers with
18:41
sweetness and with love and says wow man, everything that
18:46
everything you pick is so smart. It's so good because as a kid
18:50
who's never lied to pick anything and probably also saw a
18:53
spouse's maybe it's because his mother was controlling me
18:56
boozes, father, that was beaten down and resentful.
19:00
So what his fantasy is that his wife is going to turn to me
19:03
after 30 years. Years and say, Stan, it's been
19:06
30 years of excellent restaurant recommendations.
19:10
Thank God. I never made a choice for
19:11
myself. I really so happy that I married
19:14
you and of course, this is as likely to happen as the inverse
19:17
of Stan just turning to her and saying, you know, Helen this are
19:21
my old people names, you know, Helen.
19:23
Why don't you just pick? I've made some mistakes over the
19:26
years. Chinese.
19:27
What it should have been Italian and vice-versa.
19:29
Why does it's your turn now? From now until the grave you'll
19:33
pick the restaurants of course he's never.
19:34
Going to say that again, unless Helen threatens to leave for,
19:38
you know, I can't think of another old man named Oliver.
19:41
No, I feel like that's like a young person named now.
19:44
All right. Anyway, so you see my point.
19:46
So, what are you doing? If you're controlling your
19:47
trying to keep in mind, focus on, not the positives of your
19:50
controlling nature, but the negatives.
19:52
All the things that you've lost. If you feel upset by it, that's
19:55
wonderful motivator. And then you're going to try to
19:58
put an immediate moratorium for a week on criticism, instruction
20:02
hoarding of tasks and taking, Rover and redoing tasks.
20:06
Just to see once you get into that kind of head space and you
20:09
see, you can do it for. Even one day, two days will be
20:12
better easier than the first day.
20:13
The third day will be even easier than that.
20:15
If you can't do it at all, it's a good time to try therapy, and
20:19
to work with somebody individually on.
20:21
Why is it so hard for you to cede control?
20:24
What are your Terrors about doing?
20:25
So and how can you, you know, have accountability and support
20:30
through the process of perhaps loosening the reins on your
20:33
family? So that they can more really
20:36
enjoy who you are as a person instead of being scared by you,
20:40
which is usually how controlling people are, you know, they scare
20:45
people around them, they don't know why they don't intend to,
20:47
but everybody ends up feeling scared, why?
20:49
Because they could always do something wrong, because there
20:51
are so many possible missteps and nobody wants to be that
20:56
person. That terrorizes their family
20:58
unintentionally. So it's a good time to work on
21:00
control issues and to understand where they come from.
21:03
Remember that the very we first step because that can help you
21:05
with self-compassion as you start the difficult journey of
21:09
trying to loosen some of your reins.
21:11
Alright, great. And I hope you got a lot out of
21:14
that. Please do subscribe and I'll
21:16
talk to everybody soon.