Latest / Questionable Detour / Hanging criminals with hair, being in an old person gang, and playing with pickles

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Hanging criminals with hair, being in an old person gang, and playing with pickles · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:17
  Here at Questionable Detour, we have been so lucky to get a bunch of highly intelligent, intuitive, inquisitive listeners.
• 0:35
  A couple of them are their MIT degrees.
• 0:38
  Yeah, I mean, with Harvard EDU email addresses.
• 0:43
  Just a lot of them.
• 0:44
  But this email is not one of those.
• 0:49
  Now the email simply reads as this.
• 0:52
  What would you do with a jar of pickles?
• 0:55
  No address, no...
• 0:57
  There's no introduction address or like signing off with his name.
• 1:02
  But his email address is Titsman6969.
• 1:08
  I don't know, Titsman, if you want your email to be read over the air.
• 1:12
  But when you...
• 1:14
  You're gonna know better.
• 1:16
  When you sent this email with that address.
• 1:19
  Titsman, with a Z by the way, T-I-T-Z.
• 1:23
  I didn't know if this was a hypothetical or advice.
• 1:25
  Or just a question for us.
• 1:27
  Or just...
• 1:29
  The question was burning a hole in his head.
• 1:31
  Like he was just like, God, dude, what?
• 1:33
  He's been polling people he works with.
• 1:35
  He has a jar of pickles in his fridge he's confused about.
• 1:38
  He'll open up that fridge and be like, I have zero clue how to handle this.
• 1:42
  These used to be cucumbers?
• 1:47
  Well, he asks, what do y'all do with a jar of pickles?
• 1:51
  The thing that makes it just even funnier is that he sent it as a secure email.
• 1:56
  Like he didn't want this email to be intercepted by anyone that hacks his email.
• 2:01
  It's definitely his porn email.
• 2:04
  He sent it as an encrypted email.
• 2:06
  So he didn't want anyone to find out he sent this email or what was in it if somebody were to come across it.
• 2:11
  But I mean, what a question to be introspective about.
• 2:14
  So like, I guess we should answer him?
• 2:16
  I, you know.
• 2:17
  If it was rude not to.
• 2:18
  If it was kind of rude not to.
• 2:20
  Let's think of it as like a make a wish situation.
• 2:26
  So what do y'all do?
• 2:27
  What do y'all guys do with the jar of pickles?
• 2:29
  I don't know.
• 2:29
  You can frame it as advice or a hypothetical.
• 2:32
  Well, tits man, 69, 69.
• 2:36
  Can you call me tits?
• 2:39
  Is that okay?
• 2:40
  That was your mom called you.
• 2:43
  For me, pickles are kind of like they're like people in the way that I kind of fashion them and,
• 2:50
  you know, make little legs for them.
• 2:52
  And then I use them to recreate conversations that happened at work and kind of role play.
• 2:58
  Yeah.
• 2:59
  So I'll dress up a pickle for each person.
• 3:01
  And then kind of just walk through the situation to see how I could have handled it better
• 3:05
  or how they could have handled it better and given me more praise and more money and just
• 3:11
  kind of ways that they could have seen me as a God better.
• 3:14
  It really helps you cope with your embarrassment.
• 3:16
  Yeah.
• 3:17
  Yeah.
• 3:18
  So those days where, you know, I tripped down a flight of stairs, which you replay the situation
• 3:25
  where you're a pickle going down the stairs perfectly.
• 3:27
  Yeah.
• 3:28
  Every bump, every bump, every elbow that hits the ground, uh, tumbles over every bruise on my body
• 3:34
  is recreated on that pickle.
• 3:36
  And the reaction of the other pickles that give to this pickle that obviously is injured
• 3:43
  on the ground, obviously crying, crying, probably has a bone sticking out of his leg.
• 3:49
  Um, they don't care.
• 3:50
  They're just laughing.
• 3:51
  Um, they're just looking down on that pickle.
• 3:53
  So, so I'm just, do you need a tissue?
• 3:59
  No, I'm good.
• 4:00
  Um, so I, I just kind of walk through how they could have reacted to that situation.
• 4:07
  They would like caress you.
• 4:08
  Yeah.
• 4:09
  They could have come over, pat my head a little bit.
• 4:11
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 4:12
  Do you have a little miniature of the studio with like three pickles in front of like tiny little
• 4:18
  mics and like you replay situations in here that you could have done better?
• 4:22
  Like jokes that didn't really land.
• 4:27
  If Zach didn't edit this one out, here's how it would have gone.
• 4:32
  Yeah.
• 4:32
  I actually make a second podcast.
• 4:36
  The pickles.
• 4:38
  What's your pickle podcast called?
• 4:40
  Tickle Me Pickle.
• 4:42
  The post-show pickle show.
• 4:46
  Yeah.
• 4:46
  But do you like have like maybe Alan gave you a bad look or one episode and you're like,
• 4:50
  you go back home and you're like, I got it.
• 4:52
  I got to replay this.
• 4:55
  Soon as you guys walk out the door, I've already put the table up when you were here.
• 4:59
  I whip it back out.
• 5:00
  That's right.
• 5:00
  Um, and then I just kind of start going through it and I'm like,
• 5:03
  Alan didn't laugh at this joke, but he will now.
• 5:06
  Ha ha ha.
• 5:07
  You're like, thank you, Alan.
• 5:10
  But you give us all really effeminate voices.
• 5:12
  Yeah.
• 5:13
  Even myself.
• 5:14
  I mean, whatever you use to cope, I guess.
• 5:17
  It's a tough world out there.
• 5:19
  We all got to find a way to get through it.
• 5:23
  All right, Alan, what do you do with a jar of pickles?
• 5:26
  I don't like pickles.
• 5:27
  I think they're disgusting.
• 5:28
  They are.
• 5:29
  I agree with you.
• 5:30
  Okay.
• 5:30
  Um, I'll disagree with you.
• 5:33
  This will be something he replays later.
• 5:34
  Yeah.
• 5:36
  It gets your little Alan.
• 5:37
  Pickle is like, I love pickles.
• 5:40
  I know.
• 5:41
  Alan is like, I love pickles.
• 5:42
  I know Alan is not going to look great in the post show,
• 5:49
  but I just, I just take those pickles out of that jar, just
• 5:52
  sopping wet and throw them in a manila envelope and mail them to my enemies.
• 5:58
  Note or anything?
• 5:59
  No, no, they understand.
• 6:02
  Once they, once they get the pickle, they'll, they'll understand what it means.
• 6:05
  For people that aren't your enemies.
• 6:07
  What does it mean?
• 6:09
  What message are you trying to send?
• 6:11
  It's sort of a your move colon.
• 6:14
  I've got your mom.
• 6:16
  Geez.
• 6:18
  So it just kind of says, you know, your mother is kidnapped.
• 6:22
  She's with me now and it's do your best, you know?
• 6:26
  And you've talked about this with your enemies before you sent the pickle or are they kind of?
• 6:29
  Well, they'll know.
• 6:30
  Yeah.
• 6:30
  If I ever get a pickle from Alan, I'm like, yeah, you'll have, you'll have an idea that
• 6:34
  this is exactly what's going on.
• 6:35
  You're in an underworld that really isn't talked about.
• 6:40
  It sounds like a weird, like vegetable mafia.
• 6:43
  Yeah.
• 6:43
  My, my circle deals in signs and those signs are all vegetable related.
• 6:49
  So we don't deal as much with words.
• 6:52
  I see what you did there though.
• 6:53
  You don't deal.
• 6:56
  And that is, let me tell you how I meant to do that.
• 7:01
  Yes, we don't deal in words.
• 7:03
  It's a just vegetables as signs, really.
• 7:06
  So like if somebody crosses you, instead of like, instead of putting a horse head in the
• 7:11
  bed, like the classic mafia will do, you'll maybe put a head of lettuce in the bed.
• 7:16
  Yeah.
• 7:17
  Yeah.
• 7:19
  Yeah.
• 7:19
  And so like, you know, there are other things, just give me, give me a vegetable.
• 7:24
  How about a cauliflower?
• 7:26
  Cauliflower means I've cut the phone lines.
• 7:29
  Don't try calling out.
• 7:30
  I love the mafia built around puns.
• 7:32
  Yeah.
• 7:34
  Really enhances the sense of danger.
• 7:36
  What lettuce?
• 7:37
  I didn't realize you leave the head of lettuce in the bed, but what does that mean?
• 7:43
  It means let us get down to business.
• 7:46
  If you don't do what I say, there's more where this came from.
• 7:49
  Sincerely, Alan.
• 7:51
  Wait, you write, there's a note or it's all script.
• 7:54
  That's just, that's just what a head of lettuce means.
• 7:56
  That's what I'm saying.
• 7:57
  That's the internal monologue.
• 8:01
  Yeah.
• 8:01
  Yeah.
• 8:02
  So like Evan, his alarm would go off at like 10 30 in the morning because he's a deadbeat.
• 8:07
  And unnecessary shot.
• 8:12
  And he tosses his covers over all happy and gleeful.
• 8:16
  It's gonna be like, what is this doing in the bed?
• 8:18
  And like Evan's face goes stark white.
• 8:21
  He's like, ah, let us get down to business.
• 8:24
  I've got to talk to.
• 8:24
  I need to make a call.
• 8:28
  There wasn't any cauliflower in here.
• 8:30
  Was there?
• 8:32
  Quick, sit around.
• 8:35
  Cause you'll hide it sometimes.
• 8:37
  Like, no, like, no, there's an eggplant.
• 8:39
  That one's really just hope you have a good day.
• 8:42
  It's a nice one.
• 8:43
  Or you're gonna have a good day.
• 8:47
  Oh, that's, that's very good.
• 8:50
  Well, all right, here's what I will do with a head of lettuce.
• 8:53
  You know, in riots, you'll see multiple types of weapons.
• 8:57
  You know, one weapon always underwhelmed me.
• 9:01
  That was the Molotov cocktail.
• 9:03
  They were always so small.
• 9:06
  Didn't do a lot of damage.
• 9:08
  I'm going to upgrade.
• 9:09
  I'm going to fill a pickle jar of gasoline and stick a beach towel off the top,
• 9:15
  light that thing on fire and then go toss it through somebody's window
• 9:19
  and watch the mushroom cloud as they run out of the house.
• 9:24
  Why has nobody ever thought about that?
• 9:26
  Because Molotov cocktails are always tiny.
• 9:29
  They are always tiny, but they're also easy to throw.
• 9:32
  You're going to have to throw a pickle jar of gasoline like Donkey Kong.
• 9:36
  I mean, you got two hands, you know, like you're going to have to do that over your head.
• 9:40
  Like an overhead toss, tossing in the soccer ball.
• 9:43
  Just kind of not safe.
• 9:45
  Like throwing in, throwing in the soccer ball.
• 9:47
  Yeah, you like do a flip first.
• 9:49
  You know, sometimes I'll do to kind of inbound the ball.
• 9:52
  I just imagine the almost artistic way that thing would explode
• 9:56
  in some mom and pops shoe store as you riot.
• 10:01
  Yeah, as you as you're looking for a TV to yank out of a wall window.
• 10:06
  I just think riots could be more dramatic.
• 10:08
  Every time I see a riot, I'm like something's missing.
• 10:12
  If there was a riot happening right now and you were in the area,
• 10:16
  what's the first store you would go to riot?
• 10:18
  Probably a bath and body work.
• 10:20
  And here's the reason they have so many candles.
• 10:24
  So not only would you initiate destruction, you would also make the area smell so good
• 10:29
  because you have lit all the candles with your pee bomb.
• 10:32
  And I'm going to say you're not their target demographic.
• 10:34
  So they wouldn't suspect you.
• 10:35
  I don't think you could surprise right.
• 10:38
  What day?
• 10:38
  I mean, their target demographics that could blow up.
• 10:41
  Well, you can put them in your Molotov cocktail and kind of spread the scent
• 10:44
  throughout the city, too.
• 10:45
  You know, that's a good point.
• 10:48
  Just add to it.
• 10:50
  Yeah, as people are like, oh, no, there goes my hopes and dreams burning.
• 10:53
  But God, it smells like lavender.
• 10:56
  That vanilla.
• 10:58
  What a tasteful Molotov.
• 11:00
  Smells like Terry in December.
• 11:04
  This reminds me of home.
• 11:05
  Oh, there goes all of my wedding pictures.
• 11:09
  God, it smells so good.
• 11:12
  But there you go.
• 11:13
  There you go, Tiffman.
• 11:14
  I don't know if we answered your question correctly or in what context,
• 11:18
  but that's what us three do with pickles.
• 11:20
  Welcome to the question with Detour.
• 11:22
  Let's do some hypotheticals.
• 11:23
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 11:28
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 11:31
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 11:34
  All right.
• 11:34
  For our hypothetical today, we have a email from a listener named T-Man.
• 11:40
  He says, yo, yo, yo, yo, QD.
• 11:45
  It was that five yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, QD.
• 11:50
  He's really trying to get our attention.
• 11:51
  Attention getter.
• 11:54
  I've been trying to come up with a hypothetical for you guys, and I finally got one.
• 11:57
  Got a haircut today and the guy cutting my hair was a freak,
• 12:01
  but like it reminded me of you guys and what you would do as a barber.
• 12:05
  Wait, he said he's a freak and it reminded me of us, y'all.
• 12:09
  Yeah, we're freaks.
• 12:11
  Oh, yeah, that is what he was saying.
• 12:12
  Yeah, he said he's a freak and it reminded me of y'all.
• 12:15
  Schizophrenic barber.
• 12:16
  He's like, oh, I wonder.
• 12:21
  So like, what would you guys do as a barber?
• 12:24
  Love the show, by the way, T-Man.
• 12:27
  So hypothetically, if you were a barber and you were a little freak, what would you do?
• 12:31
  Get over here, girl.
• 12:39
  Well, all right, T-Man, you know, as the three freaks, we wear many hats and,
• 12:47
  you know, cutting hair is just one of those hats.
• 12:50
  So what do y'all guys do?
• 12:51
  Y'all take up the scissors and the clippers.
• 12:54
  How are y'all as barbers?
• 12:57
  Like we talked about for me last week,
• 12:59
  hair is something that I'm a bit of a collector on.
• 13:01
  Yeah, you collect it.
• 13:03
  But in the process of gathering said hair, I think it's important to kind of vet out
• 13:08
  what hair you're gathering and kind of just get to know it.
• 13:11
  So of course, I'm a barber by trade and what I do when I'm cutting people's hair
• 13:17
  is I kind of just, is it, is it in my hand?
• 13:21
  And then I cut it off the edge, take a good sniff of it, really get to know it,
• 13:26
  kind of maybe take it back to the lab at home and put it under a microscope
• 13:31
  and just kind of see it on a molecular level.
• 13:33
  Sure.
• 13:33
  You know, just get to know the hair.
• 13:36
  What I found is that hair really tells a story.
• 13:42
  Evidence that just moved over by a fireplace.
• 13:45
  And let me open my book here.
• 13:47
  Let me tell this story.
• 13:48
  It's snowing outside.
• 13:50
  He's all cozy.
• 13:50
  Got on his velvet house robe.
• 13:53
  Oh, man, what's the story?
• 13:55
  Well, I was cutting this chap's hair the other day.
• 13:59
  He seemed like a normal guy.
• 14:00
  I didn't have much to talk about with his voice.
• 14:03
  But when I got home and I looked at that hair under a microscope that
• 14:07
  I stashed away in my pocket as I was cutting it, I saw pain.
• 14:12
  Is that because you're yanking it on his head?
• 14:14
  I saw pain from maybe 1996, 1997.
• 14:19
  You read hair like people read rings in a tree.
• 14:22
  Yeah, it's kind of like tarot cards.
• 14:26
  Wait, wait.
• 14:27
  So you tell their you tell their futures.
• 14:29
  It's the opposite of tarot cards.
• 14:32
  I tell their past.
• 14:35
  And kind of as I was looking at 1996, 1997, he had a bad year.
• 14:40
  There was a small house fire when he was 13 that he was trapped in the house for at least 30 minutes.
• 14:47
  Oh, my God.
• 14:48
  Yeah.
• 14:48
  Firefighters rescued him.
• 14:50
  And there's a little singe in that part of the hair.
• 14:52
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 14:54
  More than a singe.
• 14:55
  This is the first time this guy's got a haircut in his whole life, it sounds like.
• 14:59
  And he's come to you.
• 15:00
  His hair trusted you.
• 15:01
  It didn't grow very fast.
• 15:03
  As you pick through his hair like an ape looking for lice.
• 15:08
  Yeah, he started that house fire.
• 15:13
  You read that in his hair?
• 15:14
  I did.
• 15:15
  I learned that he was an arson suspect and actually an arsonist.
• 15:20
  He just never got caught.
• 15:22
  He actually went on a string of arsons that year that he's out of the statute of limitations for these crimes.
• 15:28
  So he's sitting a little more relaxed.
• 15:30
  Yeah.
• 15:30
  Yeah.
• 15:31
  He figured he could come get a haircut now and let it tell its story.
• 15:35
  And I'm kind of looking down at like I'm a SVU detective and kind of just piecing things together.
• 15:41
  Now, did you did you go to the police station with your hard evidence?
• 15:47
  Totally scientific evidence.
• 15:48
  If you you laid like you look like a detective with your your big like duster jacket and your aviator glasses.
• 15:56
  You're like you're like, listen, boys, I got a suspect.
• 16:00
  And then you just start showing them some hair.
• 16:02
  You're like, right here, right here is when he did the arson.
• 16:06
  Yeah, I walk up to the police station with, like you said, my aviator glasses and my giant duster.
• 16:10
  And I say, boys, looks like we've solved another cold case.
• 16:14
  And then I rip off my glasses and say, or should I say a hot case?
• 16:19
  Because this man burned down a host of buildings.
• 16:21
  And then it kicks into like the intro to your show.
• 16:25
  As you make that pun.
• 16:26
  Yeah.
• 16:26
  And they don't take any of the evidence.
• 16:28
  They I am not credible at all.
• 16:30
  No, just for the sake of being over to overproduce our show here, go to give us that line again.
• 16:36
  And I'm going to inlay the CSI of Miami.
• 16:39
  The from the screen.
• 16:41
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 16:42
  I'm going to go in my.
• 16:43
  So we got it.
• 16:43
  Got it.
• 16:44
  Got it.
• 16:44
  Give us that wartime, Evan.
• 16:47
  Let me warm up my voice here.
• 16:48
  All right.
• 16:49
  Give us your best David Caruso.
• 16:52
  Boys of Sir.
• 16:54
  So.
• 16:57
  He was drinking before.
• 17:01
  Or he had a stroke and he had like his face started drooping.
• 17:04
  Boys, I've solved another cold case or should I say hot case?
• 17:18
  Because he burned down 13 Wendy's in 2004.
• 17:21
  What did he have against a Wendy's?
• 17:24
  I don't know.
• 17:26
  The hair didn't say that.
• 17:27
  He didn't like the Baconator.
• 17:29
  OK.
• 17:30
  Now, how far does this kind of vigilante detective Evan go with the hair?
• 17:35
  Are you breaking into crime scenes and just like who is that guy just leaning like way
• 17:42
  too close to the head of the body?
• 17:43
  Like he's just like he's like all his nose all up in it.
• 17:46
  Yeah, I'm working on a citizen's arrest for this guy that I'm cooking up, kind of waiting
• 17:51
  on him.
• 17:51
  I don't didn't really get an address or anything, so kind of waiting on a.
• 17:54
  I guess the head of the body.
• 17:55
  Yeah, kind of waiting on him to walk back in. But for other crime scenes, like you're
• 18:01
  saying, I try to stay in my lane.
• 18:04
  I only handle crimes that are brought to me in my hair salon.
• 18:08
  Cut somebody's hair who told me that they sold cocaine.
• 18:12
  Is that because they sold you cocaine?
• 18:15
  Yeah, well, you seem a little bit more upbeat today.
• 18:20
  How's that?
• 18:21
  A little more energy going on. You know, there's a guy sitting in Evans barber chair.
• 18:26
  He's sitting there waiting.
• 18:27
  You think he's going to get started?
• 18:28
  Turns around and Evan comes up from the desk behind him.
• 18:31
  He's like, oh, let's get let's get started.
• 18:33
  Woo.
• 18:35
  We're cutting hair day.
• 18:39
  It looks like Edward Scissors hands.
• 18:41
  There's hair flying everywhere.
• 18:43
  The hair is not even at all.
• 18:45
  It's not even.
• 18:46
  It's not even.
• 18:48
  The hair is not even at all.
• 18:52
  It looked like you put his head under one of those old school lawnmowers, you know,
• 18:56
  had that spin.
• 18:58
  Yeah, I was just getting evidence from that guy.
• 19:01
  I was just trying to catch him in the act.
• 19:02
  Well, yeah, it sounds like you were going undercover.
• 19:04
  Exactly.
• 19:04
  You know, you're playing the part of the as the undercover drug dealer.
• 19:09
  It was a deep drug sting.
• 19:10
  And let's just say one of us is caught up in something now.
• 19:14
  You're just addicted to hard drugs.
• 19:17
  So, like, let's say since you're a detective and you're like in a police helicopter,
• 19:23
  you're in the back of that.
• 19:24
  Just like telescope, not even binoculars.
• 19:27
  You're getting really into people's business.
• 19:29
  You're just looking at the heads of people looking for or looking for a suspect.
• 19:33
  Is that how you go about that?
• 19:35
  I wouldn't say I get in a helicopter.
• 19:36
  I'm a little afraid of heights, so it's just a helicopter on the back of a flatbed truck.
• 19:39
  It's just a helicopter on the back of a flatbed truck, kind of just ride around in an
• 19:45
  out of the sunroof of my wife's vehicle and kind of just just look around.
• 19:49
  I don't even have a telescope or I don't even have binoculars.
• 19:53
  You're just squinting.
• 19:54
  I'm just like, you know, sun's in my eyes most of the time.
• 19:57
  You're like, that's not him.
• 19:58
  That's not him.
• 19:59
  Can't be that guy.
• 20:02
  What about bald guys?
• 20:03
  Do you see them as a lost cause or like a crime you can't solve?
• 20:08
  They they're like a different language to me.
• 20:11
  Bald guys, it's if you're not able to get hair from elsewhere on their body,
• 20:17
  it is kind of like trying to read Russian if you've never been taught Russian, you know?
• 20:22
  Right. You're you'd end up just begging them.
• 20:24
  You're like, please tell me some crimes you've done.
• 20:26
  Just please tell me.
• 20:28
  Give me anything.
• 20:30
  I'm not even looking for just crimes, really.
• 20:32
  It's just I want to know about them or know them personally.
• 20:35
  So they could be innocent people.
• 20:37
  You just you just want to learn their their backstory.
• 20:39
  Yeah, exactly.
• 20:40
  And maybe frame them for a crime.
• 20:43
  Oh, you're not even telling the truth.
• 20:46
  Well, I'm just saying it's a possibility.
• 20:48
  Maybe I'll frame them.
• 20:49
  I'm not saying I'm going to.
• 20:51
  I'm just saying I like to leave my options open.
• 20:54
  Like people are like, are you sure you did it?
• 20:56
  Orson and you're like, I mean, there's a good chance you did.
• 20:58
  Like, I can't prove he didn't do ours exactly.
• 21:01
  You're trying to get people put in jail.
• 21:03
  No, yeah, I 100 percent am.
• 21:05
  You can take off the sheriff badge if you want.
• 21:07
  No, I like the way it weighs down my shirt.
• 21:09
  Yeah, it's dragging.
• 21:10
  It's stretching out the neck hole.
• 21:12
  Yeah, I prefer it that way.
• 21:15
  It's like it's a hubcap that you've that you've just stuck on
• 21:21
  to make it look like a star.
• 21:22
  Like you stuck on other metal to make it look like a star.
• 21:25
  I can make it make one for you if you need to.
• 21:27
  You look like flavor, flavor clock necklace.
• 21:31
  So basically, if you want a subpar haircut
• 21:33
  and be framed for a crime, go to your barber shop.
• 21:36
  Yeah.
• 21:36
  OK.
• 21:37
  All right, Alan, I see you have your barber apron.
• 21:41
  You have that weird spinny thing on the outside of barber shops.
• 21:44
  Yeah, letting them know I'm open.
• 21:46
  Yeah, let them know you're open.
• 21:47
  What do you do as a barber?
• 21:48
  Well, like Evan, I'm also collecting that hair,
• 21:52
  but I'm not doing it for knowledge.
• 21:55
  I'm not seeking to solve crimes or just learn about people's backstories.
• 21:59
  I'm using that hair to braid it and make rope.
• 22:04
  I think one thing about rope right now these days
• 22:06
  is that it's a lot of the same color.
• 22:08
  And one of the great things about hair is that it comes in upwards of three.
• 22:15
  So what we're looking at is maybe like a three stranded rope.
• 22:21
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 22:22
  Or just something multicolored.
• 22:24
  You're weaving your different hairs together.
• 22:27
  Just multicolored, you know.
• 22:29
  Now, are you selling this rope, this hair rope?
• 22:33
  Like what's the plan after you weave it all together?
• 22:37
  What we're doing is I'm really going to try and sell it to old timey navies.
• 22:43
  So ships that still use masts.
• 22:47
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 22:47
  They seem to be the biggest proponents for a lot of rope.
• 22:52
  There's a lot of rope going on in a big old timey pirate ship
• 22:54
  or an old timey navy ship.
• 22:56
  Or an old timey navy ship, you know.
• 22:59
  You hope it's a pirate ship?
• 23:00
  I hope it's a pirate ship.
• 23:02
  They're slightly cooler, a little bit rapier, which is not great.
• 23:06
  But you know, they're only selling them hair.
• 23:09
  I'm only selling them hair.
• 23:10
  What they do with the hair, you know, it's none of my business.
• 23:13
  Now, I saw a few people climbing a mountain.
• 23:17
  They were scaling the side of a mountain with your rope.
• 23:21
  That's kind of an interesting use of it.
• 23:23
  They it didn't work out well for them.
• 23:25
  What what happened?
• 23:27
  If you don't mind me asking, I'll have to take it to quality.
• 23:30
  Well, as they were climbing, the rope that you've made out here was
• 23:35
  as they were climbing, just kind of rubbing on a jagged rock.
• 23:38
  And yeah, I'm going to say I'm just going to stop you right there.
• 23:42
  That's something that happens with standard rope.
• 23:46
  But listen, but as this person was falling to their impending death, they were like five stars.
• 23:53
  I'm glad it came in the color red.
• 23:56
  Wow.
• 23:56
  It's black.
• 23:57
  You know, he hit it.
• 23:58
  And that's just a testimonial for the for the business.
• 24:01
  We love to hear a great review.
• 24:03
  You said that was five stars.
• 24:05
  He gave you five stars.
• 24:06
  That's a great verbal five stars before his death.
• 24:08
  Like, it's kind of crazy because you would think as he's falling to his death,
• 24:13
  maybe he would pray.
• 24:14
  Yeah.
• 24:15
  Maybe he would ask to enter the pearly gates.
• 24:17
  No, his final thoughts were he was leaving a review.
• 24:21
  Thank God, Alan.
• 24:23
  And assaulted people for his hair, their hair and made this rope.
• 24:27
  We that's what I strive to have is just a great customer base.
• 24:31
  That's what our consumer culture is all about these days.
• 24:34
  Yeah.
• 24:34
  And we're kind of trying to figure out what customers want.
• 24:37
  And so one of the things that we're saying is not everybody's hair smells good.
• 24:40
  Like this is kind of a smelly, smelly rope.
• 24:42
  So what we're doing is we're we've been a normal complaint for rope, which is kind of a smelly.
• 24:49
  Standard, you know, people, people have all kinds of complaints.
• 24:54
  So, you know, rope not smelling great is one of them.
• 24:57
  You know, you work with that rope day in and day out.
• 25:00
  You want a good smell.
• 25:01
  So we're we're testing out weaving in some some mint dental floss.
• 25:06
  Actually a fantastic idea.
• 25:08
  You know, just a couple of strains in there.
• 25:10
  We're adding color, we're adding scent, maybe taste.
• 25:13
  Put some chocolate in there like a little mint chocolate.
• 25:15
  Maybe just kind of wrapped up in there.
• 25:21
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 25:21
  You know, in case they're hungry.
• 25:23
  Now, let me ask you this.
• 25:24
  How upset are you that there has been a vast decrease in the execution by the gallows?
• 25:31
  I'm not going to lie.
• 25:32
  It has tanked the business.
• 25:37
  You were around when that was happening.
• 25:39
  Oh, yeah.
• 25:39
  Oh, yeah.
• 25:41
  Yeah.
• 25:41
  It's you know, it's not necessarily me that started this.
• 25:44
  You know, it's a family affair.
• 25:46
  You know, generations of my family have been rope makers, ropers, rope, rope, those that weave
• 25:56
  is what they go by.
• 25:58
  But yeah, it really it really tanked our industry back then when the gallows got removed.
• 26:05
  We petitioned to have them quit using firing squads and lethal injection.
• 26:10
  Yeah, I mean, as a serial rope is like you probably outside of those
• 26:14
  in kind of the crowd of the anti capital punishment crowd, you know, they're like saying,
• 26:19
  you know, in capital punishment, you're like in certain types of capital.
• 26:25
  I'm with them, but only slightly.
• 26:29
  What my approach is to it is I'm saying in capital punishment in this way,
• 26:34
  let's go back to like a nostalgic time.
• 26:36
  Yeah, when everybody could just come around in a town square and see just people dying.
• 26:42
  And, you know, honestly, like the guillotine as well makes use of rope.
• 26:46
  Yeah.
• 26:47
  So, you know, we can it doesn't have to just be the gallows.
• 26:51
  We can do that.
• 26:52
  We can do a guillotine as well.
• 26:53
  I'm sure there's other death death by rope, you know, tie somebody behind a horse.
• 26:57
  Just drag them through town, drag them through town.
• 26:59
  There's death can come in a lot of different ways.
• 27:03
  And rope seems to be in the center of it.
• 27:05
  Rope. Yeah, rope seems to be it plays a huge role.
• 27:09
  Hair doesn't bring about death.
• 27:13
  Not normally.
• 27:14
  But if you twist it and bind it together, if you weave it, weave it together tightly.
• 27:20
  I do have a question for you.
• 27:22
  So you said this was a family business.
• 27:23
  So this is something you're passing on to your kids.
• 27:26
  Are they currently going to be serial serial rope?
• 27:29
  Well, are they going to be child rope?
• 27:36
  A rope is a level.
• 27:37
  You don't get to be a rope until you've until you've passed through a series of stages.
• 27:46
  Sure. But you were a child rope at one point, right?
• 27:48
  I was a prodigy.
• 27:49
  Prodigy.
• 27:50
  I was a I was a prodigy.
• 27:53
  I got to skip like three different steps.
• 27:55
  OK.
• 27:56
  So, yes, you're correct.
• 28:01
  No wonder you like the capital punch man.
• 28:04
  It takes no consent.
• 28:09
  I think that's good.
• 28:10
  I think that's versatile, useful and artistic.
• 28:14
  Yeah, I agree.
• 28:15
  You know, it's a in this capitalistic society.
• 28:18
  It's all about what you can do to make that money.
• 28:20
  Bringing home that bread.
• 28:21
  And the way I do that is weaving hair into ropes
• 28:24
  and selling it to capital punishment users and Old Navy's and not the Old Navy store.
• 28:33
  I mean, old merchant marines on the open seas that have to pull sales.
• 28:39
  Yeah, very good.
• 28:41
  Well, all right.
• 28:42
  Here's what I do as a barber.
• 28:43
  So in a lot of barber shops, there's TVs around for your kind of entertainment.
• 28:47
  As you're sitting in the chair, just kind of watch and observe.
• 28:51
  And when you come into my barbershop,
• 28:53
  I want you to have something that you watch, that you're entertained by.
• 28:57
  And what is more entertaining than your own life?
• 29:00
  Right.
• 29:01
  There's nothing more entertaining than seeing you on the big screen in my barbershop.
• 29:06
  So here's what I do.
• 29:07
  My barbershop is appointment only.
• 29:10
  Right.
• 29:10
  It's a prestigious, very exclusive barbershop.
• 29:13
  You have to make appointments.
• 29:14
  It's booked for months in advance.
• 29:16
  So I know everybody that's coming into my barbershop.
• 29:19
  And I use that to my advantage.
• 29:21
  I will look up the details, look up where they live,
• 29:25
  install cameras in every room of their house,
• 29:29
  record every aspect of their life from their home life to driving in vehicles,
• 29:34
  to hiding in bushes with a full camera crew with a boom mic sticking right above them.
• 29:39
  I'm recording every part of their life and I'm going to edit it together
• 29:43
  to make a sitcom reality TV show.
• 29:46
  That way, when they come into my barbershop and sit down in that big plush chair
• 29:50
  and they look at the TV, they're going to see them cooking eggs from last week.
• 29:58
  I'll add laugh tracks.
• 30:00
  Every time somebody comes into the house, they'll be clapping,
• 30:04
  kind of like Kramer on Seinfeld as he enters the house,
• 30:07
  even though it's just his wife, his kind of frumpy, fat wife.
• 30:11
  She'll come in, they'll everybody cheer for her.
• 30:13
  She's kind of upset at him because he stayed up late last night,
• 30:16
  but she'll be the villain.
• 30:17
  You see what I'm saying?
• 30:18
  So we're kind of setting up characters here.
• 30:20
  I mean, just imagine how entertained that person will be
• 30:23
  as he first sits down in the chair and he sees himself sitting on the toilet,
• 30:27
  just struggling with some constipation.
• 30:32
  Like, it makes for good TV.
• 30:34
  So are there any particular storylines that you prefer to play out
• 30:40
  when you're framing this sitcom?
• 30:42
  Angry Wife seems to be the theme of the show overall.
• 30:46
  Well, you need the villain of it.
• 30:50
  And I like the I like the kind of King of Queens feel to it,
• 30:53
  where it's just the dumb husband and the naggy wife, you know,
• 30:58
  the kids that just never relent.
• 31:01
  You know, they're always asking for something else.
• 31:03
  And you can just slowly see the husband, the father die behind his eyes.
• 31:09
  Three hours of one episode is just him sitting on the couch, just staring forward.
• 31:13
  He's the kind of the husband that lives for that cold beer after work.
• 31:17
  Yeah, he is, you know, like.
• 31:19
  And here's the thing. He's sitting there watching.
• 31:21
  It's a three hour haircut.
• 31:22
  So he's watching this himself just sit there on the couch staring ahead.
• 31:26
  He goes, I'm not happy.
• 31:29
  He realizes he's not happy.
• 31:31
  He goes home and divorces his wife.
• 31:32
  I made a man realize he's not happy in his life.
• 31:37
  Let's hope he goes home and divorces his wife.
• 31:39
  It's not like a murder suicide situation.
• 31:41
  They don't have a great marriage.
• 31:42
  This sounds like a warped version of It's a Wonderful Life,
• 31:45
  where you're the the angel barber and you're showing him how his life is currently playing out
• 31:51
  and what he what he might want to addressing what he might want to wear.
• 31:54
  I wear angel wings, actually in like a diaper, but not like a normal diaper.
• 31:58
  Like it's a bed sheet just kind of tied around my no nose.
• 32:02
  But you've got you've got depends on under there, though.
• 32:05
  Well, yeah, I mean, you know, I don't go to the bathroom when I'm sitting cutting somebody's hair.
• 32:09
  It's a three hour haircut.
• 32:10
  It's a three hour haircut.
• 32:11
  What are you doing for three hours?
• 32:13
  I'm cutting their hair one hair at a time.
• 32:15
  Oh, of course.
• 32:16
  I'm like I have like I have like a little ruler there and I'm just making sure it's perfect.
• 32:21
  I want them to see the whole episode.
• 32:23
  Yeah, that's just the quality that they get when they come to you.
• 32:25
  Because of the the long time that it takes to cut cut their hair.
• 32:29
  Do you ever just kind of just run their fingers through their hair and just give them a head massage?
• 32:32
  Do I?
• 32:33
  Yeah.
• 32:33
  Oh, yeah, of course.
• 32:34
  Do they ever do that to you?
• 32:36
  Well, you asked the question.
• 32:40
  Well, like it's you know, it's one of those situations where I do it.
• 32:43
  And then like for 30 seconds and I'm like, OK, it's my turn.
• 32:46
  I like hit their shoulders.
• 32:47
  I'm like, OK, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up.
• 32:50
  You sit in that chair with your angel wings.
• 32:52
  And I sit down and I kind of like, you know, and I'm like, oh, this chair is warm.
• 32:57
  But putting off a lot of heat.
• 32:58
  Gassy.
• 33:00
  I'm like, go ahead.
• 33:01
  Go ahead.
• 33:02
  And he rubbed my hair.
• 33:03
  OK, that's good.
• 33:05
  So I'm assuming you get repeat customers, right?
• 33:08
  People come in multiple times.
• 33:10
  Oh, of course.
• 33:10
  I mean, I'm very good at what I do and they they're tuned into their next episode.
• 33:14
  OK, that's what I was going to say.
• 33:15
  Did anybody ever walk in and they're like, oh, I love this episode.
• 33:19
  Yeah, there's some pretentious people.
• 33:20
  Yeah, they're like, oh, it's a rerun.
• 33:24
  It's a rerun.
• 33:25
  OK, I'm like, no, your life is just boring.
• 33:27
  You do the same thing every day is what you do.
• 33:30
  Will you ever edit yourself into the sitcom?
• 33:33
  I do like the paranormal activity thing where like just at night,
• 33:37
  I'm just standing above the bed, just like, you know, fast forwarding.
• 33:40
  Yeah, it is like me, like rocking back and forth very quickly
• 33:43
  because fast forwarding through hours of footage.
• 33:45
  I'm just standing there looking at them.
• 33:49
  And you know, it's like the night vision.
• 33:51
  So like my eyes are lit up and I'm just kind of the green dark footage.
• 33:55
  Yeah.
• 33:56
  OK, do they ever question that when they see it?
• 33:59
  Do they question any of this when they see it?
• 34:00
  I think I'm usually so shocked just by the production value that I have that
• 34:06
  I think they're just they're speechless.
• 34:07
  I would be speechless.
• 34:08
  How large a crew you run in to make this thing?
• 34:10
  How many people are running around their house like a like stage hands?
• 34:16
  Well, you know, I employ a full studio crew.
• 34:20
  You know, I have the cameramen, the boom mic operators, light engineers.
• 34:26
  I have them all.
• 34:26
  So, you know, it's very difficult to hide that amount of employees in a house.
• 34:32
  But we may we may do, you know, maybe the boom mic operator sitting in the corner,
• 34:36
  put a lampshade on his head.
• 34:37
  OK.
• 34:38
  They don't even see him.
• 34:39
  But they see the boom mic.
• 34:41
  Well, they don't see the person.
• 34:42
  Well, like they the husband's like, says the wife like that's a weird fixture.
• 34:47
  And she thought she she says, oh, I thought you got it.
• 34:49
  They get to a fight again.
• 34:51
  Not a great marriage, but we capture it all because that boom mic operator
• 34:55
  right there, right there to capture every target people that have bad marriages.
• 34:59
  Like, have you ever done one with a good marriage?
• 35:01
  Well, here's the thing.
• 35:02
  Good marriages are never fun.
• 35:04
  Sure.
• 35:04
  I only do bad marriages here, bad marriages, and here's how I tell,
• 35:09
  you know, maybe they sit in my seat, my my barber chair,
• 35:12
  and I give them a little shoulder rub.
• 35:13
  I'm like, oh, you're tense.
• 35:15
  Tell me what's going on.
• 35:16
  I whisper it.
• 35:17
  I come around to the side of his ear.
• 35:18
  Tell me what's going on.
• 35:19
  And, you know, eventually he'll open up because he's so scared.
• 35:23
  He's like, he'll tell me a problem like that's not it.
• 35:25
  That's not what I'm looking for.
• 35:25
  You can tell me, you can tell me.
• 35:27
  And eventually he'll get to like, you know, his marriage is falling apart.
• 35:30
  People are more honest with their barbers than I realized.
• 35:34
  I think when you're a freak barber, like T-Man has, you'll tell them anything.
• 35:39
  So I'm assuming when you're showing them these episodes, you know,
• 35:43
  you've added this footage you kind of put together to show what you want them to see.
• 35:48
  You know, how any good director does.
• 35:50
  But do you have any days where you kind of put on the extended cut, the director's cut,
• 35:57
  you know, put in that footage that got left out of the final cut.
• 36:00
  You know, to make them look sadder than they actually are.
• 36:02
  I don't do all the Photoshop I do.
• 36:04
  Like, you know, maybe one episode I give the guy really hard abs,
• 36:08
  but it's just crudely Photoshopped.
• 36:10
  It's just like a sticker that stuck on him and he just kind of follows him along.
• 36:14
  Yeah. And you have poor tracking.
• 36:15
  So it's kind of just like it's left behind every now and then.
• 36:19
  Absolutely.
• 36:20
  Because you were distracted while you were editing it.
• 36:22
  Oh yeah. I was getting a head massage by one of my clients.
• 36:27
  That's what we do as barbers.
• 36:28
  I don't know relative to the barber that you had, you know, if we're less of a freak or more of a freak.
• 36:34
  But I think either way, you got a good experience, something you can talk about later.
• 36:39
  And I think really going home with a story is what you want from a barber.
• 36:43
  All right. As we leave a hypothetical segment, we're going to jump into a segment where we
• 36:49
  shed light onto what happens to Alan outside of these hallowed halls here at the studio.
• 36:54
  For those that don't know, Alan lives a very interesting life.
• 36:57
  A life that is full, not of good things, not of wholesome things, but full nonetheless.
• 37:02
  So let's get into this news story about Alan.
• 37:05
  We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
• 37:08
  Breaking news.
• 37:11
  Hold on. This is breaking news.
• 37:14
  All right. This news story we got here pulled from the New York Times,
• 37:18
  titled Retirement Community Rattled by Alan's Pantless Pilfering Spree.
• 37:24
  It reads like this. Residents of the Sunnydale Retirement Community were left stunned yesterday
• 37:30
  as reports emerged of a peculiar series of events involving one of their own, Alan,
• 37:36
  who was caught red-handed in a most unusual act of mischief.
• 37:40
  Eyewitnesses recount that the bizarre chain of events began when Alan was spotted wandering
• 37:44
  the corridors of the community without pants, a site that raised eyebrows and prompted concerned
• 37:51
  murmurs among the elderly inhabitants. However, it was what happened next that truly set tongues
• 37:57
  wagging. In a scene straight out of Surrealist Nightmare, Alan was allegedly observed surreptitiously
• 38:05
  pilfering an assortment of oddities from unsuspecting seniors. Reports indicate that
• 38:10
  his targets were not limited to conventional valuables, but instead comprised a bewildering
• 38:15
  array of peculiar items, ranging from dentures and knitting needles to commemorative spoons
• 38:21
  and antique spectacles. Mildred Thompson, a resident who claims to have narrowly avoided
• 38:26
  becoming a victim herself, has this to say. The audacity of it all was simply staggering.
• 38:32
  I never thought I'd live to see the day when somebody would stoop so low to steal a fellow
• 38:37
  resident's false teeth. As word of Alan's pantless pickpocketing spree spread throughout the
• 38:42
  community, a palpable sense of unease descended upon Sunnydale. Many residents expressed feelings
• 38:48
  of betrayal and violation, struggling to comprehend the motives behind Alan's peculiar behavior.
• 38:53
  Local authorities were promptly notified of the unfolding situation and swiftly apprehended
• 38:58
  Alan without incident. He is currently in police custody, facing charges of theft and disorderly
• 39:02
  conduct. In the wake of these unsettling events, residents of Sunnydale are left grappling with a
• 39:07
  profound sense of disquiet in their once tranquil enclave now irrevocably tarnished by the specter
• 39:14
  of Alan's pantless antics. As they endeavor to make sense of this bizarre ordeal, one thing remains
• 39:20
  abundantly clear. Life at the retirement community will never be quite the same again. Alan, Alan,
• 39:27
  Alan. Now, Alan, I don't need you to incriminate yourself because I realize you probably have a
• 39:32
  big court case coming up. Forget about your lawyer. You have something explaining to do.
• 39:37
  Do I? Not only to the retirement community themselves, but to us.
• 39:42
  Yeah. The fact that you go into retirement communities without inviting us.
• 39:46
  Yeah. You don't think we would like to go? Yeah. I want to have dinner at 4 p.m.
• 39:51
  I didn't think you guys were that into pudding. And now that I know you're a couple of pudding
• 39:57
  boys, there's little boys that like pudding. I'll invite you next time. I don't know if there will
• 40:04
  be a next time for you. It doesn't sound like it at least at the rate that this podcast is going.
• 40:09
  I bet there'll be a next time in about four to five weeks.
• 40:14
  All right. Well, explain. You apparently have been residing at the retirement. You said you
• 40:20
  were one of the residents. Yeah. So first of all, explain the no pants thing. You're running around
• 40:25
  this retirement home. No pants. So a lot of that was kind of skewed a little bit. It always is fake.
• 40:31
  Yeah. Fake news. Yes, I was running around not wearing pants. OK. What they failed to mention
• 40:37
  is what I was wearing as a pants alternative. OK. And that was just T-shirt on my legs. You just
• 40:44
  flipped it upside down. I just flipped it upside down and you had a lot of a lot of breathing room.
• 40:50
  Yeah. Yeah. A lot of breathing room under the crotch. But I just stuck my legs to those arm
• 40:55
  holes. And that's what I was working. I assume you put all your stolen items into that extra
• 40:59
  room down there in the crotch. Yeah. Very easy. It makes it for easy access, you know, as you
• 41:04
  gather and stuff. It makes it really hard to walk because you have to waddle. You have all the stuff
• 41:09
  just collecting. Who are you? Who are you trying to run away from in a nursing home, though?
• 41:14
  Well, I mean, I never said it'd be fast. All you got to do is be faster than person in a wheelchair.
• 41:19
  You know, I mean, historically, they're not that just stand uphill, you know. Yeah. So it said you
• 41:23
  were basically collecting anything you get your fingers on. Was there a reason or are you just a
• 41:29
  no rhyme or reason? You're like, I can pick everything that I do has a reason. I think you
• 41:34
  guys know that by now. During my stay at the nursing home, one of our residents recently
• 41:41
  passed away and there's been a bit of a power vacuum that's been left. This resident, Martha.
• 41:50
  Oh, she died. Martha died. Yeah. She kind of ran that nursing home sort of like a like a biker gang
• 41:57
  leader. Her and her wheelchair bound oldies. They were leather jackets. Yeah. Yeah. But it was not
• 42:05
  like new leather jackets. It was the leather jackets they all wore in World War II. Yeah. So.
• 42:11
  But yeah, she recently passed away, you know, for better or for worse.
• 42:15
  Police needs kind of a leader. Absolutely. And so what I was doing is sort of finding things that
• 42:20
  could have been used as weapons to kind of not force people into following me, but make it to
• 42:27
  where it would be uncomfortable if they didn't. Yeah. So you're staging a coup of the Sunnydale.
• 42:34
  I'm taking over. Yeah. Yeah. Now it says you were caught red handed. Now I realize this is a figure
• 42:40
  of speech, but I assume you just put red paint on the palms of your hands. And as you moved around
• 42:47
  the hallways, like a gecko on the walls, you kind of just left your left your hand prints everywhere.
• 42:52
  Yeah. Now, now right here, Mildred has a picture of her. It has two red handprints right on her
• 42:58
  chest. What's what's that about? Mildred was interested in being a part of my gang, the red
• 43:06
  bad boys. And so she attempted to mark herself. I said Mildred, thank you for your, your interest.
• 43:13
  However, we decided to go elsewhere. Oh, you turned her down like a company turning down an applicant.
• 43:19
  Yeah. Yeah. She, uh, she's using a walker. So she didn't, hadn't yet got her wheels. So that's kind
• 43:26
  of why that interview with Mildred, we're kind of on the outs, you know, like she, she's mad at me
• 43:31
  because I didn't let her in. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And so she put those handprints on herself. I did
• 43:38
  not do that to an old woman because she hadn't gotten her wheels. That's right. And they say
• 43:44
  every time a bell rings, a retirement community gets its wheels. Yeah. Yeah. An old fart gets
• 43:50
  its wheels. But yeah, I was taking those, uh, those different things from people's room. You know,
• 43:55
  the crochet needles, um, kind of keeping one in my, in my back pocket, a sort of shiv. Yeah.
• 44:02
  And that way, that way some old timer gets out of line, you just stick them in the belly a few
• 44:07
  times. Yeah. Yeah. And then you, you steal people's dentures. That's, that's the fun one. And then you
• 44:13
  just go around and just start clamping people with a bear trap. Yeah. Yeah. And, and the great thing
• 44:18
  is if they even do any investigating, it's not your teeth. You didn't, you didn't bite them. You use
• 44:23
  somebody else's teeth to bite them. I feel like dentures would be almost like a display of power.
• 44:28
  You know, maybe you have like, it almost looks like the game of Thrones throne sitting in the main hall
• 44:33
  of this resident and you just have like dentures just surrounding you. I think that, I think that's
• 44:37
  a good idea. And after I ended up stealing all those things, those weapons and kind of forming
• 44:44
  myself as somewhat of a leader within Sunnydale, I would then chose to go a step further and begin
• 44:51
  to steal their families. Oh, okay. Yeah. So people come in to visit their grandparents, great
• 44:57
  grandparents, you know, what if I'm also there looking better than them? Grandpa's looking young,
• 45:04
  looking a little bit cooler, you know? Yeah. Um, I don't have to, I don't have to eat things through
• 45:10
  straws. So immediately a little bit better. I can walk. I choose, choose the wheelchair life. That's
• 45:17
  chosen by me, but I can walk. Um, so yeah, I'm just doing things to kind of, to kind of make their
• 45:22
  families think, huh, maybe we should come for him and not Papaw. Let's leave Papaw in the room.
• 45:31
  Yeah. He's an allied guy. He kind of weirds me out. So old. Let's go for that grandpa. That's
• 45:38
  on the brink of 30. Let's go for that one.
• 45:44
  Do you see that grandpa just wearing a shirt his pants looks like a saggy diaper full of needles
• 45:50
  and so many protrusions. Lumpy. Let's get him. He seems like a good, he seems like a good grandpa.
• 46:01
  What do you think about Mildred snitching on you to the press? The old adage, uh, snitches get
• 46:07
  stitches. Don't worry. Mildred's going to get hers. I know exactly what hall she lives on. I know,
• 46:17
  I know when she gets TV time in the rec room and y'all call them, uh, your living quarters blocks,
• 46:24
  right? Yeah. I've got a couple of guys stationed on D block. What they do is they kind of,
• 46:31
  if you're ever looking for him, if you're at Sunnydale, you'll find them at the water fountain
• 46:36
  in the middle of the hall. That's where they kind of hang out flipping a coin playing some,
• 46:41
  playing marbles, you know, and you get, you kind of, you got to pay to use a water fountain. You
• 46:45
  know, you get it. That's, that's kind of how we make money out there. Absolutely. Our boys have
• 46:49
  to earn, you know, like if you're going to be, if you're going to be a part of the red bad boys,
• 46:54
  you gotta, you gotta bring in a little bit of a income. You gotta pull the money off the streets.
• 47:00
  I'm sure Mildred will get hers. I think with the, the power that you've accumulated with the
• 47:05
  following, see, I'm in, I, I may have been arrested, but I'll be back. You'll get out,
• 47:11
  you'll be running your gang from the prison. When you, when you've got a, an iron hand on a
• 47:18
  retirement community, you know, it, it pretty much runs itself. You don't, you don't really
• 47:22
  have to be on site for that, you know? Yeah. I mean, you'll get into the actual prison and be
• 47:27
  like, this isn't much different from where it just came from old Sunnydale. Yeah. I think,
• 47:32
  I think, uh, my, my time at Sunnydale has kind of prepared me for, uh, navigating prison life.
• 47:38
  Yeah. Sunnydale has never been in better hands and Mildred's going to get hers. Like old people die
• 47:43
  quick. That's what they say. Her time, her times are coming. And you know, people die in nursing
• 47:48
  homes, you know, they'll die in their sleep. Sometimes it's because they just pass on.
• 47:53
  Sometimes it's a crochet needle to the throat, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Zach, I don't think you
• 47:58
  finished your quote there. You said old people die quick. I think it's old people die quick,
• 48:03
  especially when they have a hit out on them. So the classic saying, yeah, yeah, it's a, yeah.
• 48:09
  One, one that people have used many generations.
• 48:14
  I think that's good. I think it's good that you're exerting power on
• 48:17
  the people that don't have a lot of power. Yeah. At this point, I'm not able to, uh,
• 48:22
  I'm not able to take control of people my own age. So we're looking, we're looking for a different,
• 48:27
  uh, just different tax bracket, you know? We'll have to come visit Sunnydale. Yeah. Come back
• 48:34
  when I'm there. Well, we're going to enter into our next segment that revolves around giving people
• 48:41
  facts about the world around us. So let's do our segment. Did you know, did you know,
• 48:46
  did you know, did you know that it's all right to wonder? Did you know that it's all right to wonder?
• 48:57
  There are all kinds of wonderful things in this world. You know, we just talked about
• 49:05
  Alan as he slowly taken over a old people, residential home. So we're going to give
• 49:10
  facts about aging and the elderly. You know, it's something that we're all slowly creeping towards
• 49:15
  so it's good to know about the inevitable. So did you know that the average age of a senior
• 49:23
  center participant is 75 years old? Did you know that 99% of people over 65 years old have health
• 49:31
  insurance with 93 having government sponsored Medicare? Did you know, according to the University
• 49:38
  of Michigan, 40% of people ages 65 to 80 are still sexually active, close to 75% of those
• 49:45
  in that age range have a romantic partner and 54% with a partner are still active sexually and 5%
• 49:53
  are sexually active with me. That's a weird stat. That's a lot of people. That is a weird stat. I
• 50:01
  don't know. You are, you sleep with your eyes open. The University of Michigan did that?
• 50:08
  Did you know that social isolation makes seniors more vulnerable to elder abuse?
• 50:13
  So does a Louisville slugger. Did you know that there are 23% more women than men over the age
• 50:22
  65? So go get them guys. That's deep. They say there's plenty of fish in the sea. They never
• 50:30
  said they're not old. Did you know in the year 2020, the number of people aged 60 years and older
• 50:37
  outnumbered children younger than five years. And this is a direct result of the old people versus
• 50:44
  babies, silver war that happened during COVID. It was not well televised because everybody was
• 50:51
  talking about COVID, but there was a very bloody civil war happening between kids and old people.
• 50:56
  Is that what that was? If you ever saw just an old man fighting a toddler out in the street,
• 51:02
  that's what that was. I got to say, I thought it was just like a little cock fighting ring, but
• 51:06
  that makes a lot more sense. Did you know by the time we're past middle age, we're immune to many
• 51:13
  more viruses. And as a senior, you might get a cold twice a year, maybe four times at most.
• 51:19
  That's much less than six to eight times as a kid. So basically what that's saying is when you get
• 51:25
  older, you're immune to AIDS. So just go and does it matter? You know, look up some blood.
• 51:33
  Yeah. Kind of get freaky, do weird stuff when you get old, I guess is what that boils down to.
• 51:41
  Did you know the old people population in America these days is 15% higher than it was in 2015?
• 51:48
  That's in part because I have been dressing people up as old people, taking the hair of
• 51:54
  old people and putting it on young people, kind of weighing down that graph a little bit,
• 51:59
  kind of grow in the population myself. Yeah. You've been really, really influencing that bell curve.
• 52:04
  Yeah. Did you know before they settled on the name baby boomers, they were originally going
• 52:12
  to be called the getting it generation. Did you know science actually has shown that
• 52:23
  you actually don't get grumpy when you get old, you actually turn out to be much nicer than when
• 52:31
  you were a child. So somebody tell my grandfather that, please, I need a nice guy. Did you know
• 52:42
  about 17% of older adults no longer have any natural teeth? 5% of them have replaced them with
• 52:49
  cool fangs. Did you know that old people believe that any game that isn't checkers is witchcraft?
• 52:58
  All right. There you go. Fun facts. As you age, there's something for you to look forward to.
• 53:03
  Everything we said is truthful. Fact check us, go online, Google it. It's right there. But as we go,
• 53:10
  we've just given fun facts. Give everybody wisdom. What do y'all got? Common sense can get you a long
• 53:16
  way in life, but having some common sense in your bank account can also get you further. Just common
• 53:22
  sense. Just like whatever the currency is. Whatever is common. Yeah. Whatever there is, as long as
• 53:28
  there's a lot of it. So your wisdom is just have money. Yeah. It'll get you further. Abe Lincoln
• 53:35
  once said, I destroy my enemies by making them my friends. What he also said was I destroy my
• 53:42
  enemies with a union army. Yeah. He wasn't making a lot of friends out there. No, no. Maybe you have
• 53:53
  a hypothetical advice you need from the three wisest people or just a subject for facts.
• 53:59
  Questionable detour podcast at gmail.com. Right in. Tell your friends you boys want to be done.
• 54:05
  Yes. Good day and good night. Expect the detour.