Latest / Libido Lounge / The Taboo of Anal Sex – Myths, Pleasure & How to Do It Right with Amy Rowan

Transcript

The Taboo of Anal Sex – Myths, Pleasure & How to Do It Right with Amy Rowan · Libido Lounge

0:00
Anyone with a butt can enjoy anal play.
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Okay.
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Keep going.
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Stop.
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Pause.
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Breathe.
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Do not start with a penis.
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Okay.
0:12
We can keep going in very, very, very slowly.
0:16
So I'm so I'm gonna tell you my story of the first time that I tried to have a nail.
0:22
Like, a completely, like, make you see stars kind of experience.
0:48
Sixty three percent of women enjoy receiving anal sex, but seventy seven percent of women
0:54
have had some sort of negative anal sex experience.
0:57
Fifty two percent of women have orgasms during anal sex, and twenty nine percent find vaginal
1:04
and anal sex to be enjoyable.
1:07
You know, the thing about anal sex, anal intimacy is there's so much curiosity about it,
1:13
especially typically typically the male partner.
1:15
It but there is a taboo around it.
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There's a lot of misinformation around it.
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And, you know, some of the myths are I can't believe it's still a myth.
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It's 2024, '20 '20 '5.
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But, you know, that that that anal sex is only for gay men, and that is 100% not true.
1:32
Perfect.
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It's like you look at the size of a pinky versus the size of a penis.
1:37
Right?
1:37
It's
1:37
like, oh, this is okay.
1:39
This position makes a huge difference.
1:43
And, of course, the the vision that most people have of anal sex abuse.
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The number one thing that anal sex needs is and I made mistake number one.
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Hi, everybody.
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Welcome back to another episode of The Lounge.
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I'm so thrilled to invite back a former guest that I've been continuing to work with in
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various ways, the suburban sexologist, board certified sexologist, Amy Rowan.
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Thank you so much for coming back with me today.
2:17
Thank you for inviting me back.
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I always love our our collaborations together, and I'm really excited to dive in today today's
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topic.
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Yeah.
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We got a juicy topic for the audience, and it's something that I've talked about on my YouTube
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channel, but really I've not talked much about on this podcast yet.
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And people ask about it all the time.
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So we're talking about anal today, anal sex, anal pleasure.
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And I know you've been you have a whole presentation prepared for us.
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But before we go in, I think your story of how you got into the world of sexology is so
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beautiful.
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So I would love to hear just a little bit about your story about your, how you left corporate
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America, just kind of your journey as a stay home mom into the world of a clinical
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sexologist.
3:04
Absolutely.
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I think the first question I always get asked is how did you get into this?
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And, you know, I I always like to say
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I feel like I was born
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to do this because my dad, now retired, he's an OB GYN, and my mom is a psychologist, so they
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had a baby and it was me.
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But but, you know, my journey there wasn't quite that direct.
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And, you know, initially, I graduated from college.
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I did human resources for several fourteen five hundred companies and then got pregnant with my
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first child.
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And my husband and I made a decision for me to stay home.
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So, so my last day of corporate America was the day that my water broke, and then I was a stay
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at home mom and which I loved, and I'm very grateful, you know, for that opportunity and
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that privilege.
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But, any moms can probably relate.
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At some point, you kind of get tired of two feet or smaller people yelling at you all day
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long.
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And I just needed to get out of the house, and I wanted something that was mine.
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And I went to a sex toy party and learned so much.
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Like, that was actually where I learned about the g spot at that first party, and my eyes
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were wide open.
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And I said, this looks like a lot of fun.
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I wanna try this out.
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So I became a sex toy consultant.
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And, and it was great.
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It was phenomenal, especially what I had two more children.
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So I'm a boy mom.
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I've got three boys.
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And, you know, I was still staying at home with them, but I could work on the weekends.
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And I built a team, and I earned trips.
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And, you know, that whole thing, it was a really beautiful addition to my life.
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But at the end of so many of those parties, a woman would come up to me and say, Amy, my
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husband and I haven't had sex in a year.
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Or, Amy, sex is painful.
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Can you help me?
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And I knew that selling a product was not going to be enough of a solution to help them.
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And that broke my heart, and I really, really, really wanted to do more.
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And that's what led me to go back to school and get my sexology certification.
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So I really enjoyed doing the parties.
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It was just a great flexible way for me to be able to stay home with my children and really,
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really help people.
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But at the end of so many of those parties, I would have a woman that would come up to me and
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she would say, Amy, sex is painful.
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Intercourse is painful for me, or my husband and I haven't had sex in a year.
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You know, can you help?
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And I knew that selling a product was not going to be enough to help them, that that there was
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deeper work to be done there because sexuality is obviously a very, very, you know, wide
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ranging, multifaceted, experience and challenge.
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And so that's what led me to go back to school and get my fifteen month seven hundred fifty
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course hour of sexology certification.
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Nice.
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Amazing.
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Yeah.
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And then let's jump from there into our topic today, and and maybe let's start.
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I know there's a lot of things on your mind to talk about, but maybe let's start with taking
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some of the, like, myths and the taboo
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out of it if we could,
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and then we can just, you know, go into your presentation from there.
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Yeah.
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Absolutely.
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I think that, you know, the thing about anal sex, anal intimacy is there's so much curiosity
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about it, especially typically typically the male partner is usually pretty, curious about
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it, but there is a taboo around it.
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There's a lot of misinformation around it.
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And, you know, some of the myths, you know, that I think are like, one of the biggest myths
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is just start with a penis.
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Do not start with a penis.
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Right?
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You definitely never wanna start with a penis.
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You wanna work your way up to that, and that is something that we will talk about.
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I've got a whole step by step guide.
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Another huge myth that I bust constantly is, and actually this happened a lot of my parties
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is women would come up and say, my husband wants to try anal.
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Can I get some numbing cream?
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Do not use numbing cream.
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That is an enormous mistake.
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The other story that I would get in my parties, because I did lots of them for ER nurses, and
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trust me, they wanted to tell me all the stories.
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Yeah.
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Is that someone would have used a numbing cream, and they would not be able to feel the
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pain, and pain is our body's way of saying something is wrong.
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Mhmm.
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So it's very important to feel that.
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So do not ever use numbing cream.
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When done properly, slowly, you can avoid most of the pain, and we'll talk a little bit about
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pain tolerance within that.
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Mhmm.
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And another thing, you know, it's sort of along the same lines.
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So just get drunk and try it.
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It's really good to have your wits about you.
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Yeah.
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So you were trying this.
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So, you know, so those are just a couple of the big things that I really like to talk about,
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you know, when it comes to to sex.
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Anal anal intimacy.
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Yeah.
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I appreciate that.
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There's so much just like you wanna be present.
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You don't wanna push beyond your limits.
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You wanna make sure you can feel things, like, I think some really important just basic
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guidelines there.
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Yeah.
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Well, well, where do you wanna lead us today?
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Let's get into the presentation you prepared.
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Sure.
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You know, I think the three biggest questions I have always gotten are, is this normal, tell me
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about the g spot, and let's talk about anal, because people have the most questions about
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that.
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And so I like to always lead with a story because people also think, oh, as a sexologist,
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like, you must have always had this figured out, and that is 100% now the case.
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I have made just as many mistakes as probably the vast majority of you.
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And so I'm gonna tell you my story of the first time that I tried to have anal.
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And I was with my long term boyfriend.
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We were in college, and I made mistake number one.
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We were drunk.
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And he was like, well, let's try it.
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And I was like, okay.
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Well, that was it.
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That was the extent of the conversation.
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And then we tried it.
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Well, it did not go well.
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In fact, I literally flew off the bed because it hurt so much.
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And I was like, oh my gosh.
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That was awful.
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I will never ever try that again.
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And that was that.
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And I I think I would expect there's probably a lot of other people that have had similar
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experiences to that.
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And so there's a lot of people who are like, this is just off the table.
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This isn't something I wanna try because it's going to hurt.
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But, you know, I like to also, you know, share some some stats.
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And so there was a study.
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This is from the Bad Girls Bible.
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And they showed that sixty three percent of women enjoy receiving anal sex.
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So if you enjoy this, there's nothing wrong with you here.
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You're in the majority of people.
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But seventy seven percent of women have had some sort of negative anal sex experience.
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That's an important stat.
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Yeah.
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And and and and I think that's why a lot of people are like, I don't wanna I don't wanna
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try this.
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But another thing that I'd like to share is fifty two percent of women have orgasmed during
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anal sex, and twenty nine percent find vaginal and anal sex to be equally enjoyable.
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Also good stats.
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Yeah.
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I mean, I think I wonder in the the instead of a seventy seven percent have bad experiences,
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was that the right number?
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Had a negative.
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Yep.
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But I wonder how much of the time that is due to just simply not being educated and just kind
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of, like, going for it like you're saying and not having proper lube, not having proper, you
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know, preparation and all the various types of things that could go wrong.
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So I I wonder how much even just this conversation and going into anal sex with the
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knowledge and the education can really could really solve a lot of those 77% of, you know,
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negative experiences.
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Absolutely.
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I I think that the I would I would say within that 77%, it's because of lack of education and
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lack of planning, and that is the number one thing that anal sex needs is planning.
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It's not just something you can just say, let's just try this today.
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Yeah.
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So so let me tell you about some of the pros.
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The some of the pros of anal sex is the first thing is it is a different type of orgasm, and
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many women have much more intense orgasms from anal sex.
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And, honestly, I don't even know exactly why that is, but there are thousands of nerve
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endings in the anus.
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And and there's even more, of course, in the vagina and the clitoris.
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And so sometimes people even who struggle having vaginal orgasms can have anal orgasms.
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And then the other thing that I also wanna share is all of this, an anus is an anus,
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whether it belongs to, whoever it belongs to, you know, woman, man, non binary.
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So all of the the nerve endings and everything are very similar in there so that the tits that
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I'm gonna be sharing here could work with with any butt, so so to say.
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Right.
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Another, you know, appealing thing about this, obviously, it's a little kinky.
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It's a little taboo.
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So a lot of people are just like, oh, this feels a little naughty, and that end of itself
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could be a huge turn on.
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There's a lot of curiosity around it.
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And so, so that's just, you know, another reason to try and explore it.
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For some people, this can be a replacement for vaginal sex.
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So if for some reason vaginal sex is out of the question, whether it's, due to painful
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intercourse or, you know, having your period or different things like that, you know, this can
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be a substitute potentially.
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And then, of course, there is, generally speaking, very, very little risk of pregnancy.
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There's always a tiny, tiny little risk, but, but there but, obviously, it's really important
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to use condoms, unless you have both been fully tested, you know, you're fully monogamous,
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because the there is an increased risk of spreading, STIs.
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Yeah.
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I I have a couple clients who, at this point, won't even have vaginal sex because as as
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heterosexual women, because they just get so much more pleasure out of anal.
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So I think it's good, you know, just for people to hear that around, like, wow.
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It can be scary.
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It can be taboo.
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It's like this whole world of unknown.
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And at the same time, there's people that report, like, loving it so much that they would
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actually prefer it over vaginal intercourse.
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So I think it's a really important stat, and and, you know, conversation.
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What do you feel as far as, like, you know, condoms and condoms, like, are so from a
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standpoint of, like, condoms, vaginally, if the condom happens to come off, it's really easy to
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fish out vaginally.
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But what about if a condom comes off rectally?
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You know, that can be a challenge.
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And, hopefully, if the ring is on the outside of the anus, you'll be able to retrieve it
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easily.
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If it comes off internally, that may be a trip to the ER.
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And you and that that is a risk because, you know, I I like to say the vagina is an enclosed
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cavity.
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You know, you cannot lose something inside a vagina unless you literally just had a baby and
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your cervix is still open, in which case you're not supposed to be putting anything in there
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anyway.
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Right.
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But the anus is not only not an enclosed cavity, but it actually the sphincter, it can
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actually suck things in.
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Right.
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And that also goes into we'll talk a little bit about anal toys and making sure that you're
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choosing proper ones there.
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So, so, yeah, I would say it's it's very important when you are choosing protection to
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make sure that, you know, if there's thrusting, you're not going all the way in so that that
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ring always stays on the outside of anus.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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When I was in my medical school program within our radiology class, one of our assignments one
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day, they were putting up, images of people's rectums and their lower intestinal tracts, and
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we were actually identifying like, the the whole exercise was trying to identify the
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foreign objects that actually were stuck up there.
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So just, you know, your to your point, it's like, we wanna be we want this is, like, an
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amazing thing for many people, but we wanna be cautious about it because it can if it there is
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a risk if not handled in a way that is that is really safe that way.
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Yes.
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Absolutely.
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100%.
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And, you know, like
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I said, the parties that I did for ER nurses, they all had a story of somebody who came in
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with something stuck up there.
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It was like, that's all they had sounded.
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So
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Yeah.
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That was very eye opening to me back at that point of my life.
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I'd I, was very, just unaware of of the play in that way.
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And so it opened my eyes to, oh, this is what people do.
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So it was very, very eye opening to me.
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Yeah.
15:26
At that stage.
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Yep.
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So, you know, the next thing, obviously and I just wanna acknowledge for some people.
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If this is off the table for you, that's okay.
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Like, I wanna give you permission.
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If this is not something that you don't wanna do, you don't have to explore it.
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I think another mistake that sometimes, people make is they do it just for their partner.
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So if this is something that you are trying out, make sure that you have some level of
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openness and curiosity around this as well.
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So I give yourself I give you permission to explore it if you want to.
15:56
So let's talk about how to make this fun and pleasurable because we've talked about all of
16:02
the pleasure and how some women even prefer it more.
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So how can we make all of that happen?
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Right?
16:08
Yes.
16:09
So the first thing is communication.
16:14
Of course.
16:14
Right?
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Obviously.
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And, you know, learning how to have good communication around this is really important,
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and this is gonna be mostly one way.
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So, again, here, I'm speaking to, the women, to the Volvo owners in the room.
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But I like to say this is pretty easy.
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So you can go up to your partner and say, hey.
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You know what?
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I know you've been wanting to try anal, and guess what?
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I'm open to giving it a try, but you're gonna have to follow my rules.
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You know what your partner's gonna say?
16:43
Okay.
16:45
K.
16:45
Yes.
16:46
Nope.
16:46
I will.
16:47
They're gonna be on board.
16:48
K?
16:49
So And so it's just really important for you to be comfortable to tell your partner, what to do
16:57
and what not to do.
16:59
And you need to be able to tell them to slow down.
17:02
You need to be able to tell them to pull out slowly.
17:04
You need to be able to tell them to completely stop moving.
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These are all very important parts, especially in the early when you're learning how to engage
17:10
in anal intimacy.
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And, of course, your partner needs to actually listen to you.
17:15
Yes.
17:17
I've unfortunately had a few stories where there have been partners who just had not paid
17:21
attention and have not listened, and, and those turned out to be very negative experiences that
17:26
were then not repeated.
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So both of you guys need to come into it with an open mind and be willing to communicate and
17:32
listen.
17:32
Very important.
17:34
Yeah.
17:34
So, so preparation.
17:38
Preparation is key here.
17:40
You need preparation.
17:41
You need planning.
17:42
Preparation is going to reduce anxiety.
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Preparation is gonna reduce pain.
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Preparation is going to make this as pleasurable, as absolutely possible.
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And, again, it can be extremely pleasurable.
17:54
So, the first thing everyone this is another thing I get asked about is, okay.
17:58
Well, what if what if there's a mess?
18:00
What if something happened?
18:02
Yes.
18:03
That is the obvious question.
18:04
Yep.
18:05
And so here's the thing.
18:07
We have to acknowledge this.
18:08
It this this is this is the outdoor.
18:11
This is the exit to the body.
18:13
There is a possibility that there may be some mess here, and you guys both need to be okay
18:19
with that.
18:19
Now we can prep for that.
18:22
Some people like to use you don't have to do this, but some people like to use an enema to
18:26
prepare.
18:26
You can go you can get, like, a fleet enema from the drugstore for, like, a dollar, and you
18:31
can use that anywhere from twelve hours to even just right before the experience.
18:36
You don't have to do that, but if it helps to kind of ease your mind, if you're really
18:40
worried if you know that your brain is just going to be worried about a mess happening,
18:44
then GIST might be a very good thing to help reduce that anxiety.
18:49
And then some supplies that I think you should always have on hand.
18:51
You want some towels, some baby wipes.
18:53
You know, if there's, like, a little bit that comes out, it can just be cleaned up real fast,
18:57
either a condom or latex glove.
19:00
And super important is using the right lubricant, and I recommend a silicone based
19:07
lubricant or a hybrid lubricant
19:10
cap.
19:11
Yeah.
19:11
That's huge.
19:13
And then do you have advice at all when, like of how to communicate with a partner if it does
19:20
get messy?
19:20
Because I feel like we can go into those scenarios and, like, you know, we can prep, we
19:25
can know it, and then there's the embarrassment.
19:28
Right?
19:28
Like, that's happened to me before.
19:29
And it's been, like, despite everything I know, it's, like, real embarrassing.
19:34
And there's an element where I think too, like, yes, we can go into it, but what is the plan
19:40
around, like, you know, aftercare and communication where if it does get messy, like,
19:46
how do we you know, how would you advise people handle that?
19:49
You know, I think if if it's a little mess, if there's a little bit leaking out, that's what
19:53
the baby wipes are for.
19:54
Clean up, see if you can keep moving on.
19:57
If it turns out that there is a bigger mess that's happened, I think it's okay to just
20:02
pause and stop.
20:03
Like, let's just acknowledge that sex in general is messy, and that's okay.
20:08
And if we and it's okay to feel some embarrassment, but if you can be like, well,
20:13
guess we did that.
20:14
Let's go take a shower.
20:15
Maybe we'll try this another time.
20:18
And just laugh about it.
20:20
Like, just be like, well, okay.
20:22
I mean, that's what our bodies are meant to do.
20:24
Yeah.
20:25
And just move on.
20:26
You know?
20:27
So, I like making jokes.
20:29
I like cracking up about things.
20:31
You know?
20:31
You might not be able to, like, make the joke the next morning.
20:33
Might be a little bit too soon, but, you know, it can always be, oh, you remember that time we
20:37
tried it the first time and, yep.
20:39
Now we've gotten so much better at it.
20:41
You know, I'm so glad that we decided to, you know, continue to to try to explore this.
20:47
Yeah.
20:47
Yeah.
20:47
That's what I
20:48
found too.
20:49
Laughter is the best way of just calming those, you know, kind of intense emotions and maybe
20:55
not in the moment, but if we can keep it light and not make it a big deal, that can be a huge,
20:59
huge way of, just not creating, like, unnecessary stress around our intimate moments.
21:06
Yeah.
21:06
Absolutely.
21:08
So the next thing I wanted to talk about just a little bit, and this is another thing I love to
21:12
talk about, and you can probably chime in here too, but anatomy is how this works.
21:17
Because a lot of people, and this goes back into my story too, report that anal sex is
21:23
painful and, again, when not prepped for properly.
21:27
And the reason for that is the anus.
21:29
The anus is a ring of muscle.
21:30
It's called the sphincter, and it is designed to keep it tightly closed.
21:35
Right?
21:35
Because, obviously, we're trying to keep things inside our body.
21:39
And it's a must it's not like our bicep or our hamstring, you know, that you can quickly relax
21:46
and contract it.
21:46
Like, you can't just, like, think, okay.
21:48
I'm just gonna relax and contract.
21:50
It takes a little while for it to relax, and it takes a little while to allow things to pass
21:55
through it.
21:55
So it is a very, very strong but a very, very slow muscle.
21:58
And so if you try to pass something through it quickly,
22:02
like I did when I flew
22:03
off the bed, when it's closed and you don't have enough time to relax, you're gonna have a
22:07
lot of pain or it's you're simply not gonna be able to get in.
22:10
Like, it's just not going to work.
22:11
And so the key to this is getting your sphincter muscle to relax and open up enough so
22:18
that you can be penetrated with ease.
22:22
So so, basically, from a standpoint of steps.
22:26
Right?
22:26
So it's like we have our maybe we do our our anal douche or enema, and then we get all our
22:33
towels, and we get our baby wipes, and we have the conversation, and we're feeling loving, and
22:39
we get our protective measures, our condoms, and our lube, and all that.
22:44
And then from there, the next step is really then playing with a finger, right, or something
22:49
small.
22:49
Yes.
22:50
100%.
22:50
The the number one rule is do not start with the penis.
22:54
So start with a lubed finger, Start with a very narrow, anal toy, and we'll talk about anal
22:59
toys in a minute.
23:01
You know, if you some people like to have a glove.
23:03
You know, again, if you're a little concerned about, you know, mess and things like that, you
23:06
can use half of a well lubed finger.
23:09
I also encourage sometimes practicing the solo first so that you can get a little bit of an
23:16
idea of those sensations.
23:17
So and this goes, you know, for for all bodies.
23:21
But if you practice and kinda get used to what it's like to consciously relax that muscle,
23:25
it's gonna be easier when you're with your partner.
23:29
But so, yeah, start with a very well lubed finger.
23:33
You know, I say, put a lot of lube around the rim of the anus and then a lot on the finger,
23:38
and then just kind of gently tinkle excuse me.
23:41
Gently tickle around the rim of the anus, a few times.
23:45
You know, it might be a minute or two, and it will slowly start to relax and open up.
23:50
And at that point, then you can start inserting the finger, the very narrow toy at a rate of
23:58
what I say is no faster in the beginning of one inch per minute.
24:05
And we're talking, like, millimeter by millimeter.
24:09
Very, very, very slow for the initial entry.
24:12
And this is when you're talking.
24:13
Okay?
24:14
You're saying, okay.
24:15
Keep going.
24:17
Okay.
24:18
Keep going.
24:18
If you start to feel a little bit of pain, and it's likely that you will feel a little bit of
24:23
pain, especially as you're starting to explore this the first time.
24:27
If you feel that, you just wanna say stop.
24:30
Ask your partner to stop with their finger or you're stopping with your own.
24:33
Stop, pause, breathe, let that pain subside, and then you can say, okay.
24:40
You can keep going in very, very, very slowly until they go in as far as they can go.
24:47
You'll hit a point where they can't go in any farther.
24:51
And then it's it's sometimes good just to sit there and let your body get used to that
24:56
sensation with the finger or the toy on the inside.
25:01
Maybe that's the time that you can get some other types of clitoral, some other types of
25:05
stimulation with the first clitoral, vaginal, you know, do a little bit of kissing, you know,
25:09
things like that, as your body gets used to feeling what that feels.
25:14
Yeah.
25:15
And that's gonna be the sort of initial, penetration.
25:20
And then, and then if that's going well, like, if it's going well, then you can start doing
25:29
some very, very, very slow thrusting.
25:31
Again, we're still with the finger.
25:34
We're still with the anal toy.
25:36
And so it's good for you to control the pace here.
25:39
So tell your partner, okay.
25:40
You know, pull out.
25:41
Okay.
25:42
You can go in again.
25:43
You can tell them to speed up.
25:44
You can tell them to slow down.
25:45
It's kinda depending on what you want.
25:49
And if it's not going well, I I I often say that sometimes it's gonna take several sessions
25:54
before you can work your way up to a penis.
25:56
So sometimes just that first thrust may be all that works for you this time, and that's okay.
26:02
I celebrate that you guys got that far, and now you know a little bit more, to explore for the
26:08
next time.
26:09
Yeah.
26:10
Yeah.
26:10
I think what we're really doing is we're teaching the nervous system to relax.
26:14
Right?
26:14
And when you're talking, we're talking about that muscle around, like, less control.
26:18
Like, most of us, like, other than just, like, the normal, like, functions of daily, you know,
26:23
living, you know, we go to the bathroom, and we don't think about these muscles.
26:27
We don't think about the nerves in there.
26:28
We don't think about the level of control we have to actually relax them.
26:32
So we're I think we're some of what we're doing here is just really almost getting that mind
26:38
connection to the nervous system of all of those nerves there to communicate better, to
26:42
say, like, oh, I actually do have more control over this area to relax.
26:46
And, you know, then maybe we realize, and and we're just teaching our body to do that.
26:52
And because it's a new skill, I love your methodology of, you know, how slow you're going
26:57
here.
26:57
I think it's it's really essential.
26:59
And I wanna be clear for, like, the listeners.
27:01
I I believe what you're saying too, and correct me if I'm wrong, is, like, while this is the
27:06
entry process before the penis, do you still recommend then once somebody is like acclimated
27:14
to anal and they've been having full penile anal sex for a while, do you still recommend
27:20
starting with a finger or a toy in every session, or do you find that's less necessary
27:24
as people get more acclimated?
27:26
I think it's less necessary as people get more acclimated.
27:29
You know, as you to your point, you're teaching your body.
27:32
You're learning how to relax those muscles.
27:34
You're learning to how to have more control with them.
27:36
And practice makes perfect.
27:38
So the more you do this, the more you practice this, the easier it's going to be.
27:43
Now you always, always, always won't need lubricants.
27:46
Like, the AS does not lubricate itself, so that is essential.
27:51
But I would say that, generally speaking, if you've been doing this a while, you may not
27:56
necessarily need that prep.
27:58
But, you know, it's interesting too because sometimes even though your mind really wants
28:02
this, your body might fight with you on it.
28:05
And and so because it's, again, it's a very conscious relaxing of this muscle.
28:12
So, but, you know, you know, once you're good with having one finger inserted, then your
28:18
partner can insert a second very well lubed finger and, even working their way up to three.
28:23
And once they once you can get three fingers on the inside, then you are ready to try exploring
28:30
with a penis.
28:32
Another action is they have some different anal trainer sets where you have, like, three
28:36
different sizes, that can be inserted that, you know, go up from sort of the width of a finger
28:41
to about the width of the girth of the average penis.
28:44
Yeah.
28:45
And so I feel like starting in that slow incremental way can really help take, like,
28:52
that fear out of things.
28:54
It's like if you look at the size of a pinky versus the size of a penis.
28:57
Right?
28:57
It's like, oh, this is okay.
29:00
This is much it's, like, I think
29:01
just a lot easier for people to wrap their brain around.
29:03
So thank you for for that process.
29:05
Yeah.
29:05
Absolutely.
29:07
So let's say things are going well, and you've worked your way up to three fingers, or you've
29:12
you've worked your way up to, you know, the wider toy, and you're like, okay.
29:16
I think we're ready.
29:17
I think we're ready to try with the penis.
29:20
So here's the next thing that people often do wrong, is position makes a huge difference.
29:28
And, of course, the the vision that most people have of anal sex is gonna be doggy style.
29:33
That is actually one of the more difficult positions to get in because our body when we
29:39
are in that hands and knees position, and our bottom is up in the air, it's very difficult.
29:44
It's even more difficult to consciously react relax those muscles.
29:50
So, so I do not ever recommend starting in that position.
29:52
Can you get into that eventually?
29:54
Yes.
29:54
But that's not going to be your starting position.
29:58
So for the very first time that you are trying with a penis, this is gonna be a little bit
30:03
surprising for people, but you are actually going to ask the partner with a penis to lay on
30:07
their back, and you're gonna tell that partner, do not thrust and do not move.
30:13
And you are going to be the person being penetrated is going to be in control.
30:19
And so you can either get into the cowgirl position or maybe the Asian cowgirl where
30:24
you've got your feet flat on the ground.
30:26
You're gonna apply lots and lots and lots of lube to the penis.
30:29
You're gonna add some more lube, onto the rim of the anus, and then you are going to be
30:36
lowering your body onto their penis.
30:39
And that is giving you control that is giving you control of how how deep it's going, of how
30:43
fast it's going.
30:46
And, you know, you're gonna grab a hold of the penis and slowly guide it in.
30:50
And if you experience discomfort, you're gonna pause.
30:53
You're gonna breathe.
30:55
And, again, you've got control over this now.
30:58
So, so you will be able to know how deep you can go, how far you can go.
31:03
And then once they are completely inside you, they can't go any deeper, then you can start to
31:09
slowly raise your body up and down.
31:11
And if that's going well, then at that point, you can say, okay.
31:14
I'd like you to try a little bit of thrusting, or go ahead and move your body a little bit.
31:19
And, you know, and that will, again, let you start to experience the the bigger, deeper
31:26
sensations that come with anal sex.
31:29
Now I know you mentioned in, like, the warm up, like, people could, you know, suggest, like,
31:34
people could play, like, clitoral play or vaginal play.
31:38
At what point though, really in this process do you like, now we're on so penile involvement.
31:44
What point do you recommend, like, okay, maybe let's try bringing in some touching and feeling
31:50
and playing and other body parts.
31:52
Like, just from a standpoint of when I asked from a standpoint of I think there's so much
31:58
that we're concentrating on in those initial stages of, like, okay, breathe, Relax.
32:04
Okay.
32:04
It's okay.
32:05
Keep going.
32:06
So have you found and it's probably, you know, person independent, but have you found in any
32:11
any way, like, a general recommendation around, like, oh, now the mind is relaxed enough where
32:17
now it's good to bring in these other things, or, like, actually, it's better to bring in
32:21
those other things earlier because they can provide some softness and some other means of
32:26
pleasure.
32:26
Any thoughts on that?
32:27
I mean, I I think to to your point, I think it's probably individual, but I would say at
32:32
any point during the process, it you can certainly incorporate any other types of
32:37
stimulation.
32:37
Again, this is all increasing pleasure.
32:40
This is all pleasure enhancements.
32:42
I think a lot of women find that some some people can orgasm just with anal.
32:48
A lot of people find that anal is a accelerator, to orgasmic pleasure, with other
32:57
stimulation.
32:58
So, you know, sometimes maybe if you're in that moment where you're not able to thrust yet,
33:03
that might be a really great time for some clitoral stimulation.
33:05
You can give that to yourself if your partner can be reaching around, grab a toy, you know,
33:10
any of those things.
33:11
And that is also training your brain to associate pleasure and anal, activation at the
33:19
same time.
33:19
So it's also starting to connect those two things for you.
33:22
So I would say at any point in the process, if there's no wrong point, I would say that.
33:28
Yeah.
33:28
Yeah.
33:30
Perfect.
33:31
Well, amazing.
33:32
What a great presentation.
33:33
Is there anything else on your list that you wanna make sure we get covered today?
33:36
Yeah.
33:36
Yeah.
33:36
Well, I wanna
33:37
make sure that we talk a little bit about anal toys as well because because there's some
33:41
important things there.
33:43
Another, intro position that I also like to suggest is, is the person being penetrated
33:50
being on their back.
33:51
Because when you are on your back, legs up, then your sphincter is actually naturally very
33:57
relaxed.
33:57
And so that is also a much easier way to penetrate.
34:01
So that's in the door intro position that I really like.
34:03
Great.
34:04
Perfect.
34:05
So let's talk about anal toys because to your point, you've seen lots of things stuck up
34:10
there.
34:11
And so the biggest, most important rule for anal toys is you need to have a wide t shaped
34:19
flanked base.
34:21
I've seen I've seen so many toys that I'm like, how are these things on the market?
34:27
It's terrifying.
34:28
Something with a string with a little loop on the end of it?
34:31
No.
34:31
That can get sucked in.
34:34
You need a wide flanged base on the end of that toy so that it cannot get sucked in because
34:39
your body can actually suck it in.
34:41
So we wanna make sure that in the heat of the moment, if there's, you know, heavy thrusting
34:46
going on and it's a little bit loopy, it's a little bit slippery, if you lose, you know, if
34:52
you lose your grip on it, that it doesn't go on in.
34:56
So wide flank of bass, super, super important.
35:00
I also like to say that, you wanna be very careful about getting any fecal matter inside
35:07
the vagina.
35:08
Right?
35:08
So a recipe for back bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections.
35:12
So any toy that has been in the anus, you do not want to move it around, and put it into the
35:18
vagina.
35:19
So I said once it goes back, it never goes back, meaning right.
35:25
And anal play can be very, very pleasurable for men as well.
35:28
That's probably a whole other podcast.
35:30
But if you guys are both exploring this, make sure that you have separate anal toys.
35:34
You have yours, and your partner has their own, because, yes, you can clean them, but you just
35:41
don't wanna risk that.
35:42
I mean, that's there there are people that have died because of God from getting other people's
35:46
fecal matter inside their bodies.
35:47
So you don't wanna risk any of that.
35:51
And, you know, and then there's there's lots of different types of anal toys.
35:54
There's the butt plugs, and so those can vibrate or not vibrate.
35:58
Some people like to put that in while you're doing other things, having intercourse,
36:03
clitoral, vaginal stimulation, oral sex, and it gives you this very kind of full feeling.
36:08
A lot of people like that.
36:09
There's also anal beads, and beads would go in and provide sort of a popping sensation as they
36:16
pull out.
36:17
Again, make sure you've got that flamed base.
36:18
I see those with the loops, and they scare me.
36:21
Oh my gosh.
36:23
And and pulling out those beads during the orgasm can be, whoo, like, a completely, like,
36:31
make you see stars kind of experience.
36:33
Mhmm.
36:34
So and then there's some lube launchers as well, and I I I'm not as familiar with these,
36:39
but these actually put lube deep inside the anal cavity so that it's already lubed up on
36:44
the inside.
36:45
So I would say I don't know if you necessarily need this, but if you are having trouble, I
36:50
think if you're using the right lube, you're gonna be okay.
36:52
But if you're really having a hard time with staying lubricated, then that might be
36:55
something to consider as well.
36:56
Yeah.
36:57
Amazing.
36:58
Amazing.
36:58
I love all of all of those toys and all of that information.
37:01
And I think just to add I know I know you're kinda insinuating this, but it's just to add
37:06
for clarity around, like, when we're saying once to the back, not to the front again, or
37:10
back to back as you're saying.
37:12
We're also talking about penile insertion as well.
37:15
Right?
37:15
So I just wanna make sure everybody is hearing that.
37:17
Everything.
37:17
Yeah.
37:18
Now if if you're exploring with the finger first and that's gone on the backside, you need
37:22
to go wash your hands before that goes anywhere near the clitoris, the vagina, anything like
37:26
that.
37:27
Very very young.
37:28
Important.
37:29
Yeah.
37:29
Yeah.
37:30
Yeah.
37:30
And the exciting thing to me too that I also wanna mention here is the the research that
37:35
I've seen on some of these toys for men that are used anally and helping with things like
37:40
prostatitis, like the health benefits.
37:44
And I don't think there's been that I've seen, like, good studies on women, you know, in that
37:50
sort of way from a health benefit standpoint, but I'm sure there's stuff out there.
37:54
You know, we need we just we need more research, but it was very exciting to me to be
37:58
like, oh, this is not just about pleasure.
38:00
Like, of course, it's about pleasure and fun and fantasy and hotness and all things, but
38:04
there's actually legitimate health benefits that we're now seeing that can actually can
38:08
come from this sort of play
38:09
as well.
38:10
So very exciting.
38:11
Yeah.
38:11
I think that is really exciting, and I think that that's important to highlight because, you
38:15
know, there there's also talking about myths in the very beginning.
38:18
There's this there's this I hope this I know it's still a myth.
38:21
I can't believe it's still a myth.
38:22
It's 2024, '20 '20 '5.
38:24
But, you know, that that anal sex is only for gay men, and that is 100% not true.
38:30
Anyone with a butt can enjoy anal play.
38:33
Fan sees a lot of cis, hetero, men that really, really enjoy anal play.
38:39
And, yes, the the benefits for, prostate health are enormous and documented.
38:45
And the process that I just explained, this is the same for men.
38:49
Now stimulating the prostate, prostate milking, all of that, that's going to be a a more
38:54
extensive process.
38:55
Again, another podcast, but, yeah, there there are really some great health benefits there.
39:00
Yeah.
39:00
Amazing.
39:00
Well, thank you for all your research and your wealth of knowledge today, and I know we're
39:05
gonna wrap up and tell everybody how to get ahold of you and, tell them about your podcast
39:11
and some other great things you have coming down the pipeline and some some gifts for them.
39:15
Before we do all that, is there any, like, final thought on anal in this conversation that
39:20
we did not mention that you feel like we have to say?
39:23
You know, I think just, you you mentioned earlier aftercare.
39:27
You know?
39:27
This is talking about it.
39:29
You know, after the experience, obviously, washing up, taking care of each other, little
39:34
cuddling, making sure you wash your hands very thoroughly.
39:36
But then, you know, the next day, sharing, oh, I really liked it when you did this, or when
39:42
you thrust like that, that was very positive.
39:45
You know, and be specific.
39:46
Like, I need a little bit more time for you to relax before you start thrusting.
39:51
So and it's certainly ask for your partner's feedback too, but I think that is what is going
39:55
to continue to grow that experience between Thank you.
39:59
So
39:59
Yeah.
39:59
Thank you for that, and thank you for breaking this down and just making it so attainable for
40:03
people.
40:05
So let's talk about your podcast and what you have going on.
40:08
Yeah.
40:08
Well, I would first of all, doctor Diane helped with the launch of the podcast, and so I had
40:13
partnered with another sexologist, doctor Trina Reid.
40:17
She is out of Canada, and, our podcast is called the Sensational Sex Podcast.
40:22
And we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
40:28
Every episode, we take a common challenge that women are experiencing in the bedroom.
40:33
We break it down, and we give you three or four little micro tips and say, apply one of these
40:38
to your bedroom, listen next week, and watch your sex life transform.
40:41
So if you're listening to doctor Diane's podcast, we know that you're curious in
40:45
learning about intimacy, so I would love to invite you to come listen to ours as well.
40:50
Additionally, we have a couple freebies on sensationalsexpodcast.com.
40:55
You can get a download to uncover your sex history, and going through that process can
41:01
help you learn some of the things that maybe have been holding you back from experiencing
41:06
the pleasure and passion that you're looking for, and help to open the doors to
41:10
communication.
41:11
So we've got that download.
41:12
We have an are you sexy checklist.
41:14
And then, also, I invite you to connect with me.
41:16
I am a sex and intimacy coach.
41:18
I primarily work work with women and couples experiencing intimacy challenges or who want to
41:23
learn how to enhance their pleasure and explore new horizons, if you'd like to connect with me
41:28
directly, come to suburbanintimacy.com, book a free discovery call.
41:34
And then I also have five tips for sexy scheduled sex that you can download on my
41:39
website as well.
41:40
Perfect.
41:40
And we will have all of that in our show notes today, everybody.
41:44
So we'll have all of Amy's links and how to get a hold of her.
41:48
I'm also gonna include my favorite lube for anal.
41:51
It's a silicone based lube called Uber Lube, which is my favorite favorite lube on the
41:56
market really for that.
41:57
And if if you have any, tips on your favorite lube, we could include those as as well.
42:02
Absolutely.
42:02
Yeah.
42:02
Uber Lube is fantastic.
42:04
So Yeah.
42:05
You, doctor Diane, for inviting me back.
42:07
I love this, and, I hope that people are are curious.
42:11
And, you know, sort of last thoughts is just keep an open mind to this.
42:15
You know?
42:15
Even if you had a negative experience in the past with this, just know that with
42:19
communication, with education, this can be a very, very pleasurable and just new horizon for
42:26
you and your partner to explore.
42:28
Yeah.
42:29
Yeah.
42:29
I I was interviewing, Susan Bratton, who's an amazing intimacy sexpert, couple months ago,
42:35
and she anal came up for just a short little just a brief moment in that podcast, but she
42:40
has made a brief mention around, like, oh, we as we get older and as we change, our sexual
42:45
styles and what we're interested in changes too.
42:48
So she was just briefly talking about, like, hey.
42:50
There might be one point of life that anal sounds horrible.
42:53
And then all of a sudden, it's like, oh, actually, I might be, you know, open to that.
42:58
So we we change and evolve in what our sexual desires and fantasies and interests and all
43:03
these things are as as we change and develop as human beings.
43:06
So it's a great point.
43:08
Yeah.
43:08
Absolutely.
43:10
Well, thank you everybody.
43:11
And thank you, Amy.
43:12
This has been such a wonderful episode of the lounge.
43:15
Please do subscribe, please do share this with your friends so we can get this information out
43:19
there.
43:20
The work Amy and I are both doing is in part to make these conversations so much less taboo, to
43:26
give you a space to really communicate, to experience the pleasure that we were truly
43:31
meant to have as humans to help ourselves be happier, have better relationships, regulate
43:37
our hormones, regulate our stress response, and so much more.
43:41
So thanks everybody for being here.
43:42
Please check out those show notes, and we'll see you next time.
43:49
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
43:51
Please don't keep me a secret.
43:52
Please share this with your friends.
43:54
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.