Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Judgmental Attitude Hurts Your Relationships

Transcript

When Your Judgmental Attitude Hurts Your Relationships · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
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Today, we're going to be talking about when you're judgmental
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attitude, hurts, your relationships.
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And that's not only with your spouse, but with your children
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and before we get into that, please do subscribe.
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And most recent subscriber episode was on how to better
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care for your wife and what is caring for your wife.
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Really mean many women say they don't feel cared for and that's
0:28
why they don't want to have sex. Well that is accurate for a lot
0:31
of them. So yes being more loving and
0:33
caring and protective Can change your marriage and that episode
0:36
explains how. All right?
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So there's a lot of people who say stuff like, I would never
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cheat on my spouse. I can't imagine how somebody
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would do that or like, I would never be a stay-at-home mom, or
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I would never be a working mom, or I would never be somebody who
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doesn't exercise, or I would never be like, a vegetarian or
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anything. If you are somebody who's always
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making like these Global judgments about, People, that
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means that you are judgmental by definition, people who make a
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lot of judgments are judgmental. Now these are the kind of people
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that I see have the most interpersonal problems, you
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know, because they could be very bombastic and pompous and
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they're usually talking about shit.
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They've never experienced. So it's so funny.
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Like I talked in some other podcast about how when people
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are divorced, they like to make friends with each other because
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it's like y'all know that you've made a mistake.
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Like it's like, very humbling. Saying, you know, nobody tries
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to get divorced. So it was like everybody that
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has got divorced like at least they can't say that.
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They make all their decisions correctly, you know?
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I mean, so it's like it's like I made the same analogy meeting
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somebody in a a like, you know, you done fucked up somehow, you
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know, so at least you do not have to be to people that are
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like posing around each other. That one of them is more perfect
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than the next because the it's already assumed that, you know,
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that you have made some poor decisions in your life and that
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you are a flower. Odd person who never expected to
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be at whatever place that you're in.
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In life is the same sort of thing when people have
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teenagers. Honestly, because teenagers can
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always do something or talk back in some way, or misbehave in
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some way or do some stupid shit that you never thought that they
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would do, given whatever your parenting style was.
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And then it's very humbling to be, like, like I saw me and it
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was so funny. It was like, it was like might
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as well like my Kid got a faced at might as well bottle-feed
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like event like that the child getting a face tattoo is like
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such a bad decision that the kid made that like everything that
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the parent had done including breastfeeding like didn't do
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shit, you know, and it's funny, the older people get, usually
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the less judgmental, they are if they are open-minded, now if
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they tended toward being closed-minded, you know then
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they get more and more and more. G and critical of others.
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So people who started out kind of open-minded get even more so
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and they get very wise, you know, but then other people who
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are old are very close-minded because they kind of started out
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close-minded and they never had any of these like super big.
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You know, Epiphany. It's like they they certainly
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had fuck-ups like everybody did but they always kind of tried to
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save faith. And they tried to say that
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anything that went Wrong in their life, wasn't their fault
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somehow. So then some people and we know
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them for adult children of dysfunctional families.
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Some people get into old age and they're just like the most
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judgmental people, ever that have no empathy and they're
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worlds apart from the wise older people that young people like to
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be around who are super open-minded and understand kind
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of how any situation can happen. So that's the kind of person you
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want to be like those open-minded non-judgmental.
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People are the people. Who tend to have healthy
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thriving relationships with Intimates such as spouses and
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kids adult children in particular, like really cannot
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stand judgmental-ness in a parent.
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And that's the number one thing that leads to a strange meant
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that I see is when the child thinks that the parent is
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extremely close minded and only pushing their agenda can never
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look back and say that they the parent messed something up, you
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know, and instead just look around them and see how just
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precise everybody and say, everybody else messes up, except
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for that and also more Salient to many of you who are at an
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earlier place in life. No spouse has ever been.
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Like good thing about my partner is they have really strong
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opinions on everything and they can never be wrong.
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It's terrible. You know, that that's usually
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something where you're like explaining why you got divorced,
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you know, versus explaining why you're in love with your partner
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and women and particularly Are because they generally feel more
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vulnerable again, evolutionary reasons for everything but women
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do not like an aggressive real, you know, asshole kind of guy
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and I talked about this a lot. Like if you are very arrogant
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and condescending, the only recourse your wife has is to
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decide not to sleep with you because like the only way she
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could kind of assert her own selfhood when interacting with
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you is to not be attracted to you and just detach from From
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you in her mind. And so, a lot of guys don't
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understand this and they, they really confuse being Alpha and
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assertive with like a guy who just can never change his mind
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when in fact it's the opposite, you know, really successful
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powerful men, CEOs, politicians, Etc.
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They can always accept feedback. There's like a major thing I
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work with a lot of CEOs and like the number one thing they Pride
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themselves out as being coachable, you know?
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And that's probably Why they like me?
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Because I coach, you know, like II have no problem and giving
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advice based on the experiences that I've had, you know, with
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with clients in their situations, the number one thing
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of super successful people is that they're coachable.
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So if you are not coachable and coachable, of course, it goes
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without saying means that you can admit that you were wrong
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and therefore that's something that you thought at an earlier
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point in your life was incorrect.
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In fact, LED Two errors. And now you're opening yourself
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up to learning about that getting feedback and proceeding
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it, you know, in the future to act differently and that is
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something that women look up to very much in like, in a partner
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and it's the same thing for men, like the number one thing that I
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always talk about what men don't like and what leads to men
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initiating divorce. And the rare situations that
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they do is a wife who is very anxious and closed-minded, you
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know, and this isn't just in the bedroom, of course, that doesn't
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help. Anything when it is but you
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know, just in general like everything that they say their
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wife says no can we do this know?
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Maybe we could do this? No.
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Is this fun? Know is could we do that?
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No. Can I touch you here?
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No. Can we travel here?
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No. You know, nobody wants that.
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And that sort of close-minded know kind of person usually
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thinks that their way is the best way and other people make
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all these mistakes, you know and that's just not true.
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Like all human beings are flawed and make Steaks and the and the
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other important thing to realize is, if you are somebody, that is
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always judging other people's experiences that you haven't
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been in and of course, you've never been in anybody's shoes.
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Like definitionally, you have never been in somebody's shoes
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because there's some people like you, okay, here's what not to
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do. So let's say that you're a guy
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and you're wife is depressed and she's been chronically depressed
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for 20 years, and then you come in and you say, well, there was
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this one time in the army, that I felt that I was depressed and
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I felt that way for six weeks and so, Did was, you know, I
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really just focused. I kept my head down and in fact,
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I added some exercise in even, you know, on top of what I was
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already doing and you know, I ever since then, I really have
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understood that in order to not be depressed, you really, just
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need to push your body to the Max and that's what I've kept on
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saying to my wife for 20 years. You know, it's past ten of which
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have been sexless because she hates me because I say such dumb
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ass shit like that, right? You don't want to be that person
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because that man, he may have been Depressed in the Army.
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I don't doubt that he wasn't depressed. 20 year old man.
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However what he never was was a chronically depressed 40 year,
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old woman. So then he don't know shit,
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right about her experience. Nobody really knows about
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anybody else's internal experience.
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So just like the people who like, cut off relationships with
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a friend because the friends had an affair.
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Oh why would you do that? You know, I mean were you ever
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your friend? No, were you raised in your
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friends? Family.
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No. Do you have your friends brains?
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Rain. No.
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Do you know what the hell? Your friends situation was like,
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no. You know, so people said well, I
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would never have done that so we can't be friends anymore.
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Listen, be friends with who you want but the judge mental
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illness. If people who do that, usually
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then have trouble like if their child has an affair, right?
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Your adult child or your adult child, you know, is caught, you
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know, I'm doing anything bad because instead of wanting to
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look inward to be like holy shit, you know, I must have
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raised my kid in a way that they were unhappy or that, that could
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have contributed, they say, oh no, my kid is just a bad seed
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somehow. And I I can't understand it.
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And so I'm going to just judge them and I'm not going to
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empathize because I cannot empathize because empathy would
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mean that I would do the same thing and I would never do the
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same thing. That's the kind of person who
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loses relationships with their kids.
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And of course, that's the kind of person who loses a
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relationship with their spouse. So since you have never,
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actually been your spouse or your friend, or your child or
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anybody, you have no idea what it's like inside their body, you
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have no idea what it's like inside their brain.
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Why don't you just say If I have no idea what it's like to be
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them, I like to tell myself that I wouldn't do X Y, or Z, but I
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only know my own experience. And it's so funny because every
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single person who has either cheated, or who has stayed in a
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relationship with someone who's cheated, I just use this one
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because it's the one people upon about just the most egregiously.
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Oh, I would never every single person that's either had an
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affair themselves or that stayed with somebody with a partner who
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has cheated on them and they work.
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Through things and recovered or not or whatever.
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They tried to stay together, every single one of them in
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therapy every time. He said to me, what, what do you
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guess? They say.
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I never thought that I would do this.
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I thought I would never cheat. I was never the kind of person
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who would cheat never never, never, never, never, never
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never. I would have stake my life on it
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and then I met so-and-so. And that's how it goes, you
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know, or I never would have taken back.
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Somebody who cheated, I was all over the Internet telling.
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How terrible that was. Never take back.
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Somebody who cheated. And then of course, I found out
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that my wife cheated and it was a bit more complicated than that
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and we're working on things now and we hope you can help us.
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So it's the same kind of thing when you find out like that your
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kid did something that you thought you would never tolerate
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or or a friend. It's I mean, it just anything or
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some situation at work. So everybody until they're in
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the situation they judge. They say there are certain kind
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of person but you can never know what you will do in when you are
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until you are in the situation. I tell my kids this all the
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time, you will never know what it's like to be, you know in the
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next stage of your life until you're in the next stage of your
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life you know you can only make so many plans but you got to
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wait and be flexible you know your opinions may change.
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So dramatically, you couldn't even imagine it.
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And so children who have an excuse, right?
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Because their children's, they're black and white thinkers
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will always say stuff like you know like like like kids will
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say you should try it with your own kids.
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Say when do you think I knew that I wanted to be in my
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career? Usually they say things, like,
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oh, always since you were little right?
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Because like they can understand it being different and like my
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kids, you know, because they know that I'm pretty into being
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a psychologist and growing my business and all this stuff.
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You know, you always wanted to be a psychologist, right?
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Said, no, I did not. I don't even know about being a
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psychologist, you know? I mean, I thought that I would
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be a teacher for a long time because my mother was a teacher,
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you know? And then for a long time, I
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thought I might be a doctor, but then when I was in grad school
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because there was a person, I was always interested in, People
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in Psychology and and things like that.
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But I thought it would just be kind of a hobby something that
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made me read novels and watch reality TV.
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But then in grad school, somebody was a PhD level you
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psychologist. Professor wanted me to work in
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his lab from there. I understood what it was to get
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a PhD. I mean, you know, and and things
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went from there. I certainly didn't grow up, you
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know, my parents were not phds, I knew nothing about it so you
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don't know anything until, you know it and basically children
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and closed-minded adult. Woman that you can know what
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you've not yet experienced and you can you're really, really
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can't. And the the best thing that I've
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seen as an occupation for kind of existential crises is to make
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peace with the fact that you will never know what it's like
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to be in a certain situation till you're there.
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This is why I talk so much about aging and how people need to
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have conversations with, in their marriage, about aging, and
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expectations, and hopes, and dreams and what you can do and
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what you can't know because like, for example, Sample.
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Menopause, I talk about this all the time, there's all these like
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super anxious. Preoccupied attachment guys that
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you know I work with or that you know right into me or what have
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you. And there's so anxious and they
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want to figure out how they can get out ahead of menopause, in
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some way. And what like how you could
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figure out if your wife is still going to want sex after
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menopause? Like is there some sort of
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algorithm that they could like plug their wives characteristics
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into and then it'll spit out whether their wife is still
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going to like to have sex after? She's like, 55 know, you know
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like know the women like so many women after menopause or like oh
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I never thought I would be like I never thought I would have
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zero desire. I never thought I would be like
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this. I was very sexual I could never
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have predicted how my priorities would change.
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In fact here's a really good analogy.
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Did you have any idea what it was like to have a baby before?
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You had a baby? No people before they have baby
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sales sorts of stupid shit. They're like oh no.
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I'm still gonna hang out with y'all.
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I'm still gonna come to poker night every Wednesday.
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I'm so good. I like Be running and, you know,
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in my running group and stuff even with a newborn and then
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like immediately they stopped everything you do because it's
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such a like, massive blow to the system, and you're not sleeping
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and like, with the little bit of time, you have, you gotta catch
14:52
up on your work and this and that and the other, and you're
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certainly not going out drinking and stuff.
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After you have a baby, even if you think you're going to be
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some cool person who does most people very quickly almost
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immediately realized that they had literally no idea what it
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was like to be a parent you know?
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And so it's the Same thing with any subsequent stage in life,
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like people talk all the time, I want to keep working.
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I want to keep working, I don't want to retire.
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They don't really understand how tired they may feel when they're
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older. Like, even that physiological
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changes really, really hard to think of how you will feel
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physically, very, very tired. And that is something that,
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like, older people go back to their.
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Like, I must have thought that I would have the same amount of
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energy, but of course I don't. So anyway, my point is do not be
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Judgmental. It hurts your relationships and
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there's no logic for it because anybody who has worked with
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people for a long time, knows people never have any idea how
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they would act in a situation until they are in it and
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frequently. The way that they act is world's
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different from what they thought.
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So, when you find yourself judging other people also
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realize that it stops your kids and your spouse from trusting
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and confiding in you, because if you're the sort of person that's
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always looking down on other people and saying I would never
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do this, I would never do that. At.
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Well, what if your kid does it? You know, what is your kid ends
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up doing this? Or that they would never tell
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you because they wouldn't trust you to be a soft Landing place
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because you're somebody who would never do this, or never do
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that, you know? And so the best you could be as
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a partner and as a parent is open-minded and warm open-minded
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and warm and if instead you're realizing well shit, I'm rigid
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and cold. Well, that could be a really
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good impetus to go into therapy therapy.
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Definitionally opens your mind. And you're thinking about things
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differently. If you're doing anything useful
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at all, then it's a perspective changer which can be very
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beneficial for people who struggle with being judgmental.
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And if you're judgmental, guess what you were raised in a
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judgmental home. So it's not your fault, but it's
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your fault. If you thought about it.
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Now, if you don't work on it and I'm sure that you could think
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about that, your parents are judgmental and you would never
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have wanted to bring up X Y or Z to them because of their
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judgmental-ness. Do you want to be that person
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for your own kids or for your spouse?
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Definitely not and therapy can. We really help.
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Alright, I hope this was interesting to you guys, and
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please do, subscribe and join my Facebook group.
17:14
If you like to talk about these sorts of things, the blue
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subscribe button, on my Facebook page, because usually the link
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does not work well on my description and I will talk to
17:25
you soon. Have a great day.