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Why Anxious People Can't Set Boundaries - And How To Fix It · Bye Bye Panic

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Imagine you're trying to set a boundary, but when you say no, you feel anxious and selfish.
• 0:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: But if you say yes, you feel overwhelmed and eventually resentful.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I live through this trap for years.
• 0:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: In my relationships, I'd say nothing, but wonder why I felt so angry all the time.
• 0:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: in my organization, I'd either avoid the conversation or what I finally did confront someone and return hostile.
• 0:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: The problem wasn't these individuals.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was actually me.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: No one ever taught me how to set boundaries the right way.
• 0:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So here are the four steps to set boundaries without feeling bad.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, having boundaries means your selfish.
• 0:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: You may identify as the helpful one, the reliable one, the one everyone can count on.
• 0:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You say to yourself that you're the good one because you help other people, and I agree that's a very noble thing.
• 0:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: But when you do this without guardrails of your own well-being, it's no longer about helping others.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's actually about protecting your own identity.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're not saying yes because they need you.
• 1:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're saying yes because you need to be needed.
• 1:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Having boundaries doesn't make you selfish.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: having none is.
• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am all for helping others.
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, I'm convinced that the highest form of quality of life is to serve and elevate others, but you can't help others when you refuse to help yourself.
• 1:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Think about babies and oxygen masks whenever you're on a plane.
• 1:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whenever you go through the safety instructions, the flight attendant will always tell you that
• 1:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: make sure to put your mask on before you're helping a child or someone else.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why would a flight attendant say that?
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are they saying that because they want you to be selfish?
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have a child that can't even take care of themselves.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's so innocent.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why wouldn't you want to save the child first?
• 1:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, the reason why they tell you this on airplanes is because you're no help to anybody if you didn't put your mask on and you pass out.
• 1:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the whole purpose of having your mask on first is so that you can help others.
• 2:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can help people that may not be able to help themselves.
• 2:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't make you selfish.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's actually the highest form of kindness.
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you help others to the point where you burn yourself out, what's the point?
• 2:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Who did you even really help?
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: In many ways, you become a liability.
• 2:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to help those that are marginalized, underserved, impoverished and unable bodies, you have to make sure you yourself are able, that you yourself are capable.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you take care of yourself, you're not ignoring other people's pain, you have the capacity to help heal their pain.
• 2:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, even though you may recognize that having boundaries doesn't make you selfish, you might notice that you're still avoiding having boundaries.
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, point two, I want to talk about why you're still avoiding boundaries.
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because if you think about it, having boundaries is very simple.
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just one word.
• 2:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And oh, no.
• 2:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you still don't say it.
• 3:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not because you can't.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's because you're afraid of what comes after.
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I found fundamentally that there are two reasons why someone avoids sending boundaries.
• 3:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number one is that they just don't want to feel the discomfort of saying no.
• 3:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to feel the guilt, the thought, the nut, and your stomach.
• 3:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: So instead of feeling the discomfort, you just say yes as a way to avoid it.
• 3:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I actually find that there's often a deeper layer, which is number two.
• 3:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: The deeper layer deep down, you're afraid of what they'll think of you.
• 3:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: that they'll see you as selfish, as cold, as unhelpful.
• 3:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: You've decided that their perception in many ways matters more than your own experience in life.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, I'm not saying disregard other people's opinions.
• 3:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're all human.
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: But their vote is not higher than yours, especially when it comes to how you value yourself.
• 3:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you do that, we call that self abandonment.
• 3:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you abandon yourself, you begin to resent the other person.
• 4:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever felt like you've said yes to somebody over and over again and you would think that they got the hint, that they would feel grateful of how much you've over extended to yourself and how much you've helped them.
• 4:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: But instead what you actually find is they just keep asking you over and over again.
• 4:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: They still keep pushing past your boundaries.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And over time, whenever you do draw the line, you feel like you've been taking advantage of so much that you just resent the other person.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: How does the other person not recognize how much you've done?
• 4:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: In many ways, you'll start hating that person.
• 4:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll even start having little microaggressions towards them.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: What fundamentally has happened is that you've set the expectation that asking is okay.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You yourself have not created a boundary where you have your own limitations, but you expect the other person to have the limitation for you.
• 4:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: and the reality is is that whether we realize consciously or unconsciously, we have a certain expectation for somebody.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if we feel like in the past, we've been able to ask somebody that's dependable, whether we've been able to get things and people have been able to show up,
• 5:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, we're going to assume that if we ask that person and that person doesn't have the capacity that the other person will bring this up, the other person will be the one that draws the boundary and say, hey, I can't do this right now, but what happens is that when you don't have those boundaries and you assume the person that's asking you to have that boundary for you, well, that's where resentment happens.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: where you don't have your own boundary, and so over time you get extended so much, you get so burnt out, you get so tired that you just start resenting the person.
• 5:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now the reason why I find this resentment to happen is because quite honestly, even when people know all this, they aren't able to have difficult conversations around their boundaries.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So step number three is giving you practical tools on how to boundary set.
• 5:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: For myself personally, I didn't have skills on having difficult conversations.
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when I began running an organization, any time I need to have a hard conversation, around boundaries, around capacity, it would often turn hostile.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And over time, I felt like I didn't even want to have a conversation, because anytime I brought up a conversation, the other person would get hostile.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would try to wonder what was going on, but I just didn't have the skills to have boundaries setting conversations effectively.
• 6:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I realized is that it wasn't the conversation itself, but it was how I was having them.
• 6:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I want to give you some frameworks of how to have conversations around boundary setting.
• 6:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: When someone asks you to do something and you just don't have the bandwidth, just start with showing that you understand their perspective, followed by saying that you don't have the capacity.
• 6:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: It would look something like this.
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I get that.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know this is important to you, and then you follow this with, I don't have capacity right now, or I'm unable to do it in the moment.
• 6:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: No explanation, no over-justifying.
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Will it feel awkward?
• 7:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it will feel awkward.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: It will feel uncomfortable.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: sit with that discomfort.
• 7:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even though it's awkward and uncomfortable, you're expanding your window of tolerance.
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your nervous system is saying danger, but over time whenever you're able to have these conversations and you see that it goes well, the nervous system will recalibrate on its own.
• 7:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, this is for a situation where you are setting the boundary from the get go, but what happens if you've already set that boundary and now you basically have to go back on your word.
• 7:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you've already had the conversation about holding a commitment, but you realize you can't hold it, here's the conversation.
• 7:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You basically want to say something to the extent of, hey, I want to circle back with you on something.
• 7:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I said yes to this, I hadn't fully checked
• 7:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've been working on setting better boundaries with myself, and I've realized I just can't take the time on this after all.
• 7:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
• 7:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: You just circle back and just be radically transparent.
• 8:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Again, no over-justifying, no over-explanning.
• 8:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just coming back and saying, hey, look, I know I said this, turns out I don't have capacity.
• 8:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to tell you as soon as I possibly knew.
• 8:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: No matter what happens, you'll find that most people will actually react in a very positive way.
• 8:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even the people that may have an expectation of you to bend your boundaries in many ways, even though they might be upset in that moment, they will still respect you.
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, something to keep in mind and something that I've seen where people will try to do this and might not have the same conversation, you don't want to say things that they are doing.
• 8:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to go to somebody and say, hey, listen,
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am at capacity, you know this, but you keep telling me to do this.
• 8:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You keep pushing my boundaries.
• 8:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: You never want to tell someone what they're doing or how they feel.
• 8:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: All you want to do is come from your truth.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: What are you experiencing?
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And taking ownership of the fact that you are going to be more focused on setting proper boundaries for yourself.
• 9:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's very important that you describe how you are responding to the moment, because that's your truth.
• 9:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Nobody can say that's not true.
• 9:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're not blaming them, you always do this, you don't respect my boundaries, you're speaking for what's true to you.
• 9:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And eventually you'll realize something.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: The people who respect your boundaries, they were never going to leave.
• 9:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the people who don't, they were only there for what you gave them.
• 9:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: either way you win.
• 9:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now the final point is that boundaries are an act of self-leadership.
• 9:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: We often think drawing boundaries and people pleasing is about others, but fundamentally it's a relationship with ourselves.
• 9:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll find how you view yourself is how the world views you.
• 9:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like a mirror, this is who I am, this is what I stand for, this is what I won't accept in my life.
• 9:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever you've defined for yourself, the world will mirror that back to you.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you treat yourself like your needs don't matter, others will too.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you act like your time is up for grabs, others will grab it.
• 10:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you show the world that you can be pushed past your limits, they'll keep pushing, but when you decide, like, really decide, that your time is worth protecting, that your energy is worth protecting, the world adjusts.
• 10:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not because people suddenly became more respectful, but because you stopped allowing what you no longer tolerate.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is self leadership, not controlling others, not forcing respect just quietly, firmly, drawing a line and standing behind it.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You teach people how to treat you and how you treat yourself.
• 10:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the question isn't how do I get people to respect my boundaries?
• 10:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's do I respect my own boundaries enough to keep them?
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: If the answer is yes, everything else follows.