Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 665: Avoidant Exes (Almost) ALWAYS Come Back IF You do THIS

Transcript

Episode 665: Avoidant Exes (Almost) ALWAYS Come Back IF You do THIS · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:01
  If you have an anxious attachment style, your ex is
• 0:04
  probably an avoidant and depending on how many videos
• 0:07
  you've listened to about avoidance, you may be thinking
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  you'll never get your ex back. But I'm here to tell you that's
• 0:13
  just not true. You do have a chance to get your
• 0:16
  avoidant ex back, so stay tuned. But first, I'd like to welcome
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  back my beautiful no contact Army.
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  Have you downloaded my app Silencio?
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  If you haven't, the link is underneath every single video
• 0:28
  and podcast and it will help you to stay in no contact.
• 0:31
  And if you too would like to join my beautiful no contact
• 0:33
  army, all you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the
• 0:37
  bell notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read two free chapters
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  before you purchase the book. So in case this is your first
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  time hearing about attachment styles, the one thing you need
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  to know is that anything other than a secure attachment is
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  insecure and there's a core wound.
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  So dismissive avoidance fear a loss of independence.
• 1:02
  Anxiously, anxiously attached fear abandonment and fearful
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  avoidance is naturally the worst because it's a combination of
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  both. So they fear a loss of
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  independence, and they also fear abandonment.
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  So you can see how a relationship between an avoidant
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  and an anxious can lead to problems since they want totally
• 1:27
  opposite things, which then leads to breakups, usually with
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  the avoidant being the dumper. So why the heck would they come
• 1:35
  back if they value independence so much, right?
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  Well, several reasons. One, they didn't really have a
• 1:43
  good reason for leaving in the first place so they were
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  triggered by by some minor issue and just wanted to get away from
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  you. So if you do no contact and
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  leave them alone they will eventually deactivate as it's
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  called and reach out to you. They thought they had a good
• 2:01
  reason at the time, but once they get that distance they
• 2:04
  realize it wasn't that big a deal and they will want to
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  reconnect. Or sometimes it's because their
• 2:11
  feelings for you will start to scare them and so they pull
• 2:15
  away. It's like they're thinking
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  there's a boogeyman in the room and they run out.
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  But then they see there's no boogeyman chasing them.
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  And so they cautiously walk back and see there's no boogeyman
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  there and they feel safe to go back in.
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  But in order for an avoidant ex to feel safe coming back in, you
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  cannot chase them when they run out of the room, so to speak.
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  That's why no contact is especially effective with an
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  avoidant. Which leads to our next reason.
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  The mistake people with an anxious attachment style make is
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  that they do everything to try to get the avoidant back, when
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  instead they should actually be doing nothing.
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  But because of their core wound, fear of abandonment, they have a
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  hard time doing no contact. They panic and think they can't
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  live without the avoidant and they have to get them back at
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  all costs. And a partner acting like that
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  is a total turn off for an avoidant.
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  They just want to get away from you.
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  Avoidance don't have a core wound of abandonment.
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  They were not abandoned in childhood.
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  Therefore, they have absolutely no problem with no contact, and
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  during no contact, an anxious person is often flooded with
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  positive memories and regret and wants to reach out as a result.
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  And this will often be met with hostility because the avoidant
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  is able to shut off positive memories, focus only on the
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  worst part of their partner and it then leads to a disastrous
• 3:58
  dynamic. However, with sufficient time
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  apart, avoidance start to shift their negative thoughts to more
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  positive ones, as long as they are left alone.
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  So stop reaching out and breaking no contact.
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  That's why my Silencio app has a panic button on there.
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  So if you're triggered and want to break no contact, you press
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  the panic button and you'll hear my voice giving you many, many
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  reasons as to why that's a very bad idea.
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  And the link to that, as I mentioned earlier, is underneath
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  every single video and podcast. So avoidance need time to start
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  thinking about the positive memories and not just the
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  negative ones. So give them the space to
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  fantasize about you. So by staying in no contact,
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  they feel safe and independent because of the space that you've
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  given them. And make sure you give them lots
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  of space. If you try too hard to
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  reconnect, you will push them away.
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  That's why you need to be working on your own attachment
• 5:01
  style in the meantime and stop worrying about if and when
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  they're going to reach out. And you can only do that when
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  you have a more secure attachment style.
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  Give them the space to be alone with their thoughts.
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  This is the only way that they can start to feel their
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  repressed feelings of attachment.
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  No one's putting pressure on them so they're able to
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  deactivate. And that's why I'm always
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  begging you guys to please stay in no contact and leave your
• 5:30
  exes alone. And This is why you will
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  actually get rejected again if you don't listen to me and break
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  no contact. Breaking no contact is just
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  going to make them put up walls. You're already someone they feel
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  they need to get away from. But if you stay in no contact,
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  any walls they had put up will now come down and they will not
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  put up any new walls now. It can take up to three months
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  for an avoidant to be in their feelings more than their fears
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  and to reach out. Let them set the pace for coming
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  back. Don't try to jump back in or try
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  to speed things up because of your anxiety.
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  Remember, you're supposed to be working on your attachment style
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  and no contact, right? And then one more reason why no
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  contact will work on an avoidant is because their longing for you
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  will intensify when they fail to establish a bond with new
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  partners or they realize it's going to be hard to replace you.
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  They start to miss you, they get into their feelings, and they
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  eventually reach out. OK, so to recap as to why
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  avoidance almost always come back, one is because they were
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  triggered by something small and they realize there was no
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  boogeyman chasing them. Two, because you've left them
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  alone, you've done no contact. They deactivated, got into their
• 6:52
  feelings and realized they want you back.
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  And three, they saw that they're not able to connect with anyone
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  else or find anyone better. So now I want to hear from you.
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  How long have you been in no contact and how is it going?
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  And if you would like my help to get your ex back, you can
• 7:10
  contact me at theartoflove.net and we will send you the rates.
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  They are not listed. And the direct link to that is
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  underneath every single video and podcast.
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  Or just scan the QR code on YouTube on the video.
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  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 7:27
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 7:30
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
• 7:33
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.