Latest / The Beth B Shift / What Do Healthy Behaviors Look Like
Transcript
- What Do Healthy Behaviors Look Like (1): What if love feels boring? Because chaos trained us to believe that anxiety is chemistry. We're taught to recognize the red flags and nobody teaches us what emotional safety actually looks like. And tonight I want to talk about that. I want to talk about what healthy behaviors actually look like. You guys stay with me. Welcome back to the Beth B Shift, where the vibe is unmuted, unafraid, and unapologetic. I'm Beth. And tonight we're gonna move into a different part of the conversation. I know we've been going over domestic violence and emotional abuse and what it looks like to walk on eggshells. And that information is good, right? It's it's educational. But tonight I want to have a conversation that's a little bit different. I want to a conversation about what healthy behaviors actually look like. And here's a little disclaimer, right? So these conversations that we have are based on lived experiences. This is not a substitute for professional mental health care, it's not a substitute for medical health care or legal support, but. These lived experiences that I share with you, these are a part of the things that I do know. Hey, sis. Hey, hey, hey. Thank you so much for joining. I'm glad you're here, actually, because I feel like you know, you could be a part of this conversation and be a two-way, a two-way thing for people who are experiencing things that make them feel. Little different, right? Because we know what red flags look like. We know what unhealthy behavior looks like. We've experienced it. We felt the brunt of it. We we feel unworthy. We feel like we're in the back. We're in a space where nobody listens to us anymore. Like we're listening to a broken record. It's playing over and over in our heads. And sometimes we can't see what other people see. Sometimes when we go to other people for advice, we can't see what they see because. We're not familiar with what a healthy behavior looks like. We're only familiar with unhealthy behaviors. But unhealthy behav un unhealthy people still diagnose, they still disagree, they still, you know, feel frustrated, they still are misunderstood by other people. And some and that's okay. But the difference, the difference between a disagreement with a person in a healthy environment is that you don't get punished. You don't get punished by the person that you're having in a disagreement with. You don't get threatened. You're not humiliated. You're not insulted. And you're not ignored for a couple of days. You know, that silent treatment that doesn't happen in a healthy environment. And you're not afraid to speak up. You are not afraid to speak up for yourself because the other person that you are in a in conversation with, when you have this disagreement with them, they don't make you feel like if you say one more word, you're gonna pay. Have have you ever thought like a relationship is healthy because there's no physical violence? Like, is that because I think that's sometimes what we feel. I feel like sometimes we look at a relationship and we say, This is healthy because I'm not there's there's no violence involved. This is healthy because it's just words exchanged, and even if the words are harsh, aggressive, mean, if there's a certain tone. or a a level of disrespect, I still don't feel like it's unhealthy because there's no violence involved. There's no physical violence involved. But all healthy relationships or unhealthy relationships don't include, they don't include violence. They don't include a bruise, but they do include emotional health that feels unsafe. I know a couple I know a couple of people who I've I've experienced, have been in a situation, been in a relationship, and in their minds, in their thoughts, because they're not being physically attacked or physically abused, they feel like the relationship is safe. They are under the impression that if a person doesn't speak to them aggressively, if a person doesn't give them some type of aggression or or they speak in a soft tone. Or if they're overly nice. But they're in a healthy relationship. That's not always that's not your nose, your nose should never cost you your piece. Your nose should never cost you your peace. Your nose should never make you feel like you shouldn't be able to establish boundaries. In a healthy environment, you should be able to say no to a person. You should be able to say, I'm not dealing with that. And the person on the receiving end, if they're mentally healthy or if they're in a they're part of a healthy situation or the relationship is healthy, they shouldn't they shouldn't force you to step outside your boundaries. They shouldn't test your boundaries. They should allow you to be in a space where you feel. That you're in a healthy environment. Because healthy says, I'm in a conversation with you. I feel like you are disagreeing with me. We're not on the same page. My thoughts and my views are my own. But when we're done with this conversation, I don't force you to see my point of view. I don't force you to feel like if because you don't see my point of view, now we're in an argumentative state. Now we're gonna argue. Now I'm gonna make you feel like you're not. on the same level. I'm gonna embarrass you. That's that's not healthy. Healthy says, hey, let's have this conversation. And it's okay that we disagree. I actually like that we disagree because you gave me perspective, but my thought still stands. I don't stop speaking to you because we disagree. Hi, and thank you for joining the live. But that's how it, that's how it should be. That's that's healthy relationships, healthy conversations. It's a space where you can say, when you said that, you hurt my feelings. And I didn't like what you said. I did not like your tone of voice. It made me feel like this. When you did this, it made me feel like that. When you said this, it made me feel like that. A healthy environment, it doesn't make you feel like that. Healthy sounds like, hey, I realize that what I said, I spoke out of turn. I didn't make you, I didn't mean to make you feel like that. My bad. Hey, I heard what you said. I'm gonna try my best not to respond to you that way. I'm gonna watch how I speak. I realize that it makes you feel some type of way. And that's not my role, that's not my goal. And see, when we're in that space, accountability, right? Accountability is It it's the pro it's kind of the problem. People don't want to take accountability, and that's okay. Because the the the goal is up to the thing is up to you. It's up to me. The onus is on me to protect me. The onus is on me to listen to how a person is treating me. The onus is on me to see what it is that is hurting my feelings, why I can't manage in this situation. But sometimes I cannot manage because I don't know what unhealthy behaviors look like. If I always speak and it makes someone upset and they're feeling that what I said is not good for them, I have to hear that. But if I'm not used to a healthy behavior, I have nothing to compare it to. If I'm not used to someone speaking to me in a good tone, if I'm not used to someone being receptive to what it is that I say, if I'm not used to someone Honoring my feelings when I say how I feel and what they said made the difference. If I'm not used to that, I don't know what to look for. If all I'm used to looking at is a red flag, that's all I'm going to see. That's all I'm gonna respond to. But there are healthy behaviors. There are healthy behaviors that we have to learn. They're healthy behaviors that we have to become familiar with. Because they do exist. Everything does not require s to someone to yell at to be yelled at. It doesn't that's not a requirement. That's not how it should look. A healthy behavior looks like a mutual conversation. Has there ever been a time where you questioned? Is there ever been a time where you questioned and said to yourself, this doesn't look healthy? I know a conversation has to go better than this. This environment is a little toxic for me. Has there ever been time where you've you felt like you could have done better in a conversation? Instead of defending yourself every time you talk, you say to yourself, I know, I know that there's a healthy environment. There's an environment where I can state what I feel and not be punished for it. There's an environment where I can state what I'm thinking and I'm not torn apart because the other person is not receiving what I say. There's an environment where that's healthy, where I can have a conversation, I can express my feelings. I can say what I'm thinking. And those thoughts are received. Those thoughts, my words are okay. The person I'm talking to doesn't become angry and shut me off. The person doesn't become angry and starts to yell at me. The person doesn't not see me or tell me that I'm too sensitive or that my words don't matter or I'm doing too much. They actually care about what it is that I'm saying. And everybody's not always gonna have the right the correct response, right? We can all we can talk to someone. Thank you, Brianne. I appreciate your comment. Thank you. We can always talk to somebody and and tell how we feel. But this is the space where we have to be mindful that everybody's not gonna have the right words all the time to say to us. I can't expect you to always respond to me the way I'm and use the words that I need to hear to comfort me all the time. But, but I do expect to if we have a conversation, if we have a dispute or there's something happening or there's some mismanaged behaviors, I should be able to tell you. And the healthy response would be, okay, I understand, or okay, I'll do better. Or I understand what you're saying. I'll try not to. A person that we're talking to has to take accountability, especially in a space where we tell them what we're feeling. That's a healthy space, a healthy relationship. When you are with your other person and you're with their person, you are able to ask a question or have a conversation that doesn't look like you're being yelled at all the time, every time they respond. And no matter what it is that you're talking about, you're not being yelled at. You're not being shunned. You're not being shut out. You're not being disrespected. You're not being dismissed. The healthy environment looks like I'm listening to you. I hear you. I understand you. Or can you explain that again? Because I I don't I get it, but I don't get it. That's a healthy space. That healthy space says you're you can be comfortable here. You can tell me what you feel in this in this space. You can express your words. I'm listening to your words. And even if some of your words are something that I can't relate to. I'm going to empathize to the best of my ability. Healthy environments, healthy spaces are places where we can express ourselves and be ourselves. We don't have to always manage the other person's feelings. If I'm talking to you and I'm telling you how I feel, and my feelings are hurt based on something you did or something that happened to me in another space. The healthy response is that you're actually listening, that you actually care. A healthy re a healthy environment says that this is a mutual situation. I'm not always catering to you. We cater to one another. We genuinely care about one another. When we talk, we have a comp a level of confidentiality. So I don't spread your business and make you and embarrass you some in another space. I don't embarrass you in private. I don't embarrass you in public. I cherish the nature of our relationship. I care about what it is that we share. I care about how you feel. I care about what it is that you have to say. And in that in that space where that relationship should be mutual, we we actually genuinely care. And here's the part about an unhealthy environment, right? Healthy behavior is not immediately comfortable. Like I just said, we it's not always comfortable. Sometimes it derives from a learned environment. Sometimes I have to get to know you. Sometimes, you know, I have to see how this looks. I have to see what this relationship looks like. I have to listen to what it is that you like versus what you don't like. A healthy environment says I can't be selfish. A healthy environment says I have to think about someone else beside myself. A healthy environment says I feel comfortable here. Like, has there ever been a time where you you felt comfortable in a relationship? Has there been a time where you feel like you can say what exactly is on your mind and you won't be punished because you think different from the person that you're speaking to? When you're in a relationship, do you feel comfortable enough to tell your mate, I don't like where this conversation is going? And I don't want to stop it. I really want to get to the bottom of this, but I don't like your tone of voice. It's making me feel uncomfortable. And then your person says, Okay, let me let me let me calm down. Let me chill for a second. Let me figure this out because I really I want to have this conversation too. A comfortable environment is where you're going on a trip, you're planning to be somewhere. And then the small details come into play. The small details say, okay, we're going, say for instance, we're going to Disneyland, right? We're gonna, we're gonna head out and we're gonna go there. How are we getting there? Are we flying? Are we driving? Are we taking the kids? Are we not? Are we going by ourselves? If we're whatever the case may be, whatever that looks like, whatever that looks like, that conversation should be healthy. When two people are conversing, one person should not be bashed, battered, and bruised by the end of that conversation. A healthy conversation says, okay, let's consider what's discussed, right? And then let's weigh the options. What can we do here? What is it that we're going to do? And if we do it, we weigh out everything the time, the travel time, the companion time, how we're gonna pay. All those things are necessary, but they should never end up in a space where you or the other person feels beat, battered, or bruised. A healthy environment says that we can have an open discussion about anything. It could be a friendship. Sometimes you're in a friendship with someone and every time you go to speak to them, you can't get a word in. And if you say to them, hey, I feel uncomfortable because every time I come to you to talk to you, I can't get a word in. The response should be, my bad. I I I you're right. I should have been listening. I hate to ask you to start over, but go ahead. I I'm listening. You have my full attention. That that doesn't always happen. But that's and health, that's a healthy space. That's that's a healthy space. The healthy space is when the person says, I get it. The healthy space spaces when the other person is considerate of what it is that you have to say. A healthy space is where the other person is considerate of how you feel. They get it, they understand. And they may not be able to sympathize with you always, but they can empathize with what it is that you're saying and put themselves, right? The exchanges. Let me, I may not hear what you're saying, but let me put myself in your shoes. If I were you right now in this situation, how would I feel? And then what would my expectations be? And if a person can meet your expectations based on what they may feel if the roles were reversed, that's when you have healthy consideration. You are in a healthy environment. Where someone cares about what it is that you feel. But here's the shift, right? The shift is how much can you tolerate? When do you say to yourself, is this space emotionally safe for me? When do we realize that every time we speak or stand up for ourselves, we shouldn't be hurt? We shouldn't be, we shouldn't be made to feel that we should defend what we feel or what we think. That there won't be a consequence that we won't be punished for sharing what it is that we feel or what we think. Because the unhealthy space starts when there's a punishment. As a result to what we say and when we express how we feel. That's where we turn that mirror, right? Sometimes we gotta look in a mirror and say, if I were the person I'm talking to, what would be my expectation? If I want someone to treat me how I treat others, what does that look like? How do I manage that? What does that look like? And when we realize that the person that we're speaking to doesn't speak to us the way we speak to others, we gotta consider that. Cause a healthy environment does exist. When we set boundaries, right? I'm gonna set the boundary. You don't get to talk to me this way. You don't get to mistreat me. You don't get to discredit me. And you don't get to dismiss me. I'm not gonna be disrespected. And each one of those spaces, what each one of those spaces has its own environment. Disrespect. I'm not going to allow you to talk to me any type of way that hurts my feelings. I'm not going to allow you to dismiss me. I'm What does dismissive look like? Dismissive says, when I speak, you don't listen. When I speak and break up a topic, you brush it over and decide to talk about something else. When I speak, you over talk me or you shut me up and start a new conversation about something that's totally unrelated because you weren't listening to me in the first place. I have the I am the person to manage that. I those are the boundaries that I set. If I set the boundary to say you are not going to mistreat me, you are not going to talk to me that way. We have to understand what disrespect looks like. And when we understand it, we can see what healthy looks like because we want the opposite of what is making us feel bad. We want the opposite of what's hurting our feelings. We want the opposite, right? And sometimes we don't know the opposite because we we've been in a healthy and unhealthy environment for so long, we don't get it. And I and I get that. But this is where we make the change, right? The shift is saying, I don't want what I have. Let me figure out what it is that I do want. Let me figure out what healthy does look like. Let me, let me figure that out. And then when we figure that out, when we're in a space where we realize I don't want to argue every time I speak. I don't want to be dismissed every time I have a thought. There's a reset. And that's the space where we ask ourselves, do I feel respected? Do I feel safe when I share my honesty? Can I disagree without feeling like I'm going to be punished? Are my boundaries being honored? And what are my boundaries? Do I have do I even have any boundaries set? What about what am I what should be my boundaries? What should they look like? And sometimes that puts in a space where we go, well, what am I tired of? And I know it sounds like a bit much. But when we're tired of our feelings being displaced, or we're tired of our words being mismanaged, and we're tired of being ignored, we have to consider what healthy situations look like. And in that healthy environment, that's where we make decisions to determine how we're going to do better for ourselves. Because we matter. We we always matter, we always have. And I hate to repeat myself, but sometimes we come from a space where we don't know what healthy behaviors look like. When we start to investigate and figure out what it is that they do like look like, we consider the fact that they do exist. They do exist. There are people, there are relationships that that exist. Where people can have a conversation and there's never an argument. There's always consideration, there's comfortability, there's word management. And most of all, there's respect, love, and compassion. And those those are the pieces of a healthy environment that are sometimes missing. Healthy should always say safety and that honesty is safe and respected. And accountability, right, for both people should never disappear. It should always be present. Accountability should always be present. And if this conversation resonate re resonated with you in any way, share it with someone who can use the information. Because people don't always want to hear what they can't hear, right? But sometimes we can't listen because our ears are playing this broken record over and over and over again. And we feel like that's the only record playing. And it's not. Sometimes we listen to another person's words for so long, we feel like that's the honest and only truth. Sometimes we can't hear ourselves because we're so busy playing that record on repeat and listening to someone else. I don't expect you to walk away from this thinking that you got you have all the answers. That that's not what this is. But I do feel like we can make a change by thinking now here about what healthy behaviors actually look like. What are they? Is what I'm experiencing healthy? Is this environment good for me? Do I feel good about myself when I'm here? Am I being treated like I treat others? If you can't answer those questions affirm and honestly to yourself where you feel comfortable and your feelings aren't hurt or your emotions aren't tied to words that are spoken to someone else, maybe we need to consider what boundaries we need to set, what boundaries look like, what our boundaries should look like, how we can be in a healthier space. What does healthy look like? What is healthy? How should I feel in a healthy environment? How do I stand up for myself in a space where I feel comfortable? And the situation remains healthy. Yeah. We got some work to do. This has been the Beth B shift. And until I see you guys again, please, please, please, please.