Latest / Connect Call / EP11 - The Mourning After: Healing Through Grief with Hannah Brett

Transcript

EP11 - The Mourning After: Healing Through Grief with Hannah Brett · Connect Call

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hi, this is Hannah Brett, and here we are for another episode of Connect Call, where I often say I do not have a clinical background, but I do have PhD for picking up the phone for families in crisis today.
• 0:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think I'm going to get into this habit of doing this that, you know, if you all like it, hopefully.
• 0:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: But once a month, I think I'm going to do a solo and just talk
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: things I've experienced and, I don't know, I hate saying this, but if my story can now one person out there, no, it's true, though.
• 0:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: I often feel that my struggle has been real and raw, and it times very dark and bleak.
• 0:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I kind of come out of that thinking, you know, maybe I need to struggle this much to help somebody else.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: My last solo, we discussed my depression, you know, and I know it's not really a fun topic, but I would like to expand on it a little bit and do this episode, which I think is really important just because I dealt with it, but so many people in my life that have come into my life over the past four years, I see them dealing with their mental health,
• 1:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Coupled with grief, and I think it's really important to talk about grief and mental health and how to kind of take care of yourself, especially when you lose somebody or an animal, or, you know, you just experience any type of grief, but for those of us out there that already struggle with anxiety, depression, you name it, I often find that grief is just like steroids on that.
• 1:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: bad mental health stuff that makes sense.
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if it does.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I kind of wanted to start this episode with a story about me and what I went through.
• 1:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm going to take you to the beginning of COVID.
• 2:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it was 2021, 2021, 2021.
• 2:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I live here in Atlanta, Georgia.
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: I am originally from the UK.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was born in London and my mother,
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: returned to the UK with my sister who's a year older than me.
• 2:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: She has what's called Die George Syndrome, it's genetic and with all of her disabilities and mental health issues and you name it.
• 2:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: My mom needed a lot more wrap around support that the NHS and the UK was able to do that she wasn't able to access here in the states.
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: She wanted to go home, you know.
• 2:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: With that being said, growing up, my mom was my end all-be all.
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: She was my everything.
• 2:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: She was my favorite of favorite.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean,
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: My parents divorced when I was little and I latched on to my mother.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Never wanting her to leave crying if she ever got a cold.
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: My early is traumatic memory and people laugh at this, but this is a true story.
• 2:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: My mom brought me to the movie ET when I was little.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: We were living in New York City and she brought me.
• 3:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I do remember this.
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: She brought me to the movie ET.
• 3:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I was sitting on our lap and I started wailing and beating on her chest, not because I was scared of ET, but when the scene happened where ET is, you know, a little bit of power through the woods running back to his spaceship, to his parents, and they're taking off.
• 3:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I remember the panic I felt at a very young age and hitting my mother on their chest saying, you know, why did his mommy leave him?
• 3:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why did his mommy leave him?
• 3:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And thinking that day can never come for me.
• 3:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, that will never be okay and I'll never be able to live through that and it just was a fear of mine.
• 3:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Anything can happen to me, but don't take my mother, you know?
• 4:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I often talk about this stuff and I can like not get upset because I dissociate a little bit, but or I
• 4:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: make a joke but find humor in it because if we don't have laughter in humor through the darkest times we I don't believe I'd be here today if I didn't have humor but I've cut to we're beginning of COVID my mother's living in the UK and things are starting to get prickly we're being told to quarantine in place here in the states for like a couple weeks and during that time my mother called and again things are different in Europe um the way they handled COVID and precautions was very different than they did in the states
• 4:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, with all due respect, they actually took it really seriously and news was getting around, you know, don't get on planes.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: You definitely don't want to be entering Europe in other countries and all of that.
• 4:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And my mother calls me and says, I don't want you to worry, but they have found a little lung cancer in me.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I'm fine, you know, and I immediately ban it because
• 5:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: immediately I thought to myself, my mom was never a smoker.
• 5:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, yes, she was a teacher, a specialist, but from my unfortunate, but fortunate knowledge of cancer and what I have lived through a different experiences in my life, immediately I thought that cancer isn't the only cancer.
• 5:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's probably metastasized from something else, you know?
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: But of course, I didn't want to think that way or go that way in my head, but I knew I needed to get to the UK and make sure my mother's treatment was being set up, and she was going to be okay.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then hopefully return, right?
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, um.
• 5:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I delayed and delayed and delayed going, mostly because I knew once I get there, it'd be real.
• 5:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't think I could handle it.
• 5:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And finally, my uncle bought me a ticket and he said, come, you'll quarantine for two weeks in a home, a block away from your mom's apartment, we rented it.
• 5:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: by the way, a quarantining for this introvert was like the best time in my life.
• 6:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like can we discuss that?
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're an introvert, bird out there, what, what?
• 6:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: How awesome was quarantining, right?
• 6:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I loved it.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I quarantined, I flew over.
• 6:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this was at a time again.
• 6:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: No one was flying.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was in the midst of everybody was getting sick.
• 6:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I literally, I kid you not, I flew over not only with a mask, but I got scared last minute people were saying, oh, I should have had the face mask, just in case somebody's spray spit on me or whatever, so I went to like, Dick sporting good and I got like a ski mask.
• 6:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not joking.
• 6:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have a photo.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's proof.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can put it in the show notes.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: But as I got on the plane with my ski mask in my mask, my face mask, the flight attendant said, where are you skiing on the strip?
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I took it off within five minutes.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I landed safely.
• 6:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: I got to my mother safely.
• 6:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think the worst part of, and I'm sure so many people can relate to this is I got to her.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: but I couldn't hug her.
• 7:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I could see her from a distance but I wasn't allowed to hug her and it literally broke me and I went into quarantine and you know at this time I was still and still I am today really you know struggling with this kind of
• 7:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: depression that likes to pop up here and there, definitely having anxiety, but really my depression can take me out.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I remember before I left, I let my psychiatrist know, I let my therapist know, I let my friends know, just to kind of what I call build that army of support, because I knew
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, I didn't know if I can handle what was about to go down and loan behold, uh, I get out of quarantine.
• 7:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I go to my mom's flat apartment as they call it a flat.
• 7:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And, um, within weeks.
• 7:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was going to be returning and we had a doctor's meeting and we found out that I was right that cancer and her chest had metastasized from a sarcoma that was in her stomach or by her stomach that they weren't able to surgically take out and she was told it was terminal.
• 8:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: still remember the day she came home, because I didn't go to the doctor's meeting.
• 8:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I couldn't handle the meeting.
• 8:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: So my uncle would go for me.
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: My uncle and my mom came home, and I knew something was terribly wrong.
• 8:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because she smiled at me and said, how was your day?
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, did you play racket full?
• 8:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I just knew.
• 8:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I said, what did they say?
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And she said, and she just told me, she said, they told me I have 16,
• 8:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: If lucky two years or something like that, and I literally just like the wind got knocked out of me.
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Immediately I heard a clock ticking.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't handle it while I went for a walk and I remember during that time,
• 9:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: on that walk, you know, a huge storm had come through and it was really aggressive and it was like beating me up as I was walking and it was funny because it was called a storm Francis and that was my grandfather's name on my mother side.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I think you was trying to smack me up a little bit to wake up and help and I don't know what that was, but I remember walking in that storm and.
• 9:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: trying to be present and not associate, and not deny what was happening, but also not to lose it.
• 9:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And not to, I am very big on when I get bad news, I'll curl into bed and start a crash with my depression.
• 9:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, and I knew this was an opportunity to do that, although I desperately wanted to shut off the world because I could not comprehend
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's still surreal to today, but I could not comprehend losing my mother.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I also could comprehend taking care of my mother and my sister.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't pride myself on being the amazing caretaker, but
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'll say this, I was supposed to be going to the UK for three weeks and it ended up being almost two years that I spent in the UK where I worked from the UK but also took care of my mother
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And just watching her one of just fighting to live, you know, and not being able to do anything about it.
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was also the most beautiful two years, you know, I couldn't have written it better in a book or you can't see it in a movie, you know, this was an opportunity that thanks to COVID, I was able to stay present in the UK and work remotely, what scared me right out the jump for my mental health was.
• 11:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: a couple things.
• 11:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: One, I didn't have friends in the UK.
• 11:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was alone in a lot of ways.
• 11:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: My mother wasn't able to do a lot of stuff with me, go food shopping, go into town, nothing.
• 11:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I really did a lot alone.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the other thing that I was like, I'm fucked, part of my French is over in the
• 11:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Shortly after my mother was told she was terminal, we also got notified by
• 11:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: minister that we were going into what's called a fire wall lockdown.
• 11:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this didn't happen in the States but it did happen in the UK and other countries where literally we were put into a lockdown in our apartment, in our house wherever we were.
• 12:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: We were not allowed to leave and if we did leave it was only for food medicine and exercise and we had to prove that and
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: it was against the law to leave and we lived in an apartment building and my whole world like it was like the gods were like you have to deal with this.
• 12:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're going to keep you in support and just you and your mom and you're going to deal with this.
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And like I said, it as painful as it was, it was also two of the most beautiful years of my life in that it showed me
• 12:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: how much I could show up for my mother and I did, I actually love the version of Hannah that showed up for those two years and I'm so happy I was able to care for her and to laugh with her and to give her all of that and also in the same time established this relationship with my sister I never had, I made sure that I was still seeing my therapist, I made sure my medications were still being called in.
• 13:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I, I set up, you know, with a doctor in the UK, that was a little difficult with some psych meds, but we got that all figured out.
• 13:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I also struggle with PMDD, so I made sure I'd find very gynecologist who was able to give me hormone replacement therapy, and all the things I checked these boxes, because again, I needed to be okay for my mom.
• 13:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Didn't guarantee I was going to always be okay, but I had to set myself up for success with my mental health.
• 13:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the other bit of medicine that you couldn't put in a bottle was just the gift of the kindest of strangers, it was unbelievable.
• 13:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was nothing like I've ever experienced over here with all due respect.
• 13:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: It, you know,
• 13:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: the Uber drivers over there, everyone's from around the world, literally from all different countries.
• 14:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they, everyone's wearing a mask.
• 14:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And every time I would get into a car, a driver would say, you know, why are you here?
• 14:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: They'd hear my American accent.
• 14:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I would tell them my story.
• 14:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then with that, they would always tell me a story of someone they love that they lost or was sick.
• 14:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: their mother or father and there was this immediate connection, you know, just by looking at each other's eyes and just finding humanity, you know, and not looking at ourselves going, well, you're from a different country, you don't believe what I believe, you know,
• 14:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: it was kindness.
• 14:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, we're going into a store and people would hear my accent.
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they'd be like, why are you here?
• 14:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I tell them the story in the next time I went to that store, the baker would be like, how's your mom?
• 14:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I can't put that in a pill.
• 14:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I got to tell you that got me through those two years, you know.
• 15:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I remember, as my mom was getting sicker and sicker, I was very worried about my mental health because not only was I gonna be losing my, like everything.
• 15:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: you know, would hear about Alexander McQueen and how he took his life after his mother passed, and I thought that was going to be me, you know, or I saw the movie into the wild or wild, or whatever with the Reese Witherspoon where she walks the pain away with her.
• 15:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: after her mother died, and I thought that was gonna be me, too.
• 15:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I just didn't think I could get through it, but on top of that, I remember saying to my therapist, I'm so screwed, because I've been in this bubble with my mother for two years, and it's like the movie Panic Room.
• 15:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I do a lot of movie references by the way, and I apologize, but I hope to set the scene by doing so.
• 15:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: felt like I was in the movie panic room with my mom, right?
• 16:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And at the end of it, I was going to be able to leave.
• 16:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And she wasn't coming with me, you know?
• 16:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't know how I was going to say goodbye to her, but also be able to strengthen
• 16:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: to socialize again, to be around people, to come out of this bubble that I had been locked into.
• 16:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I knew I was losing my mother.
• 16:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't going to lose her to COVID.
• 16:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't going to lose her to going to that hospital and never seeing her again.
• 16:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I was the crazy person wiping down the fruit and food when I'd come up in the store, wiping down things in the elevator.
• 16:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: having masks on for everything and anything.
• 16:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I remember thinking, I was screwed because when I lose her and haven't come out of this bubble, like it is going to do a, my, I thought my mental health would implode.
• 17:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I thought my, I'd be taken out by it, you know?
• 17:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: So,
• 17:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: prior to her dying and passing I let my therapist know that we needed a game plan.
• 17:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, it's my clinical team as I call it, my army of support.
• 17:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have to rally the troops during times like this.
• 17:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I know that I'm supported, you know, that no one's going to let me fall.
• 17:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And
• 17:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'll say this when I, when finally my mother passed, I was so exhausted by caretaking for her and getting up every four hours, we had help and we had nurses and stuff, but I was still doing the shifts in her flat, you know, being on for four hours, being off for four hours, trying to also work that when she passed, it wasn't even real to me that she had died.
• 18:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was more I was exhausted and who I get a break.
• 18:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: you know, and I didn't want to leave.
• 18:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I remember when when it did hit me, I didn't want to leave my bubble.
• 18:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I wanted to stay safe in this like world that I had built, and I knew I had to return home and turn them to my family and work and everything,
• 18:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'll say this, I've never dissociated so much in my life, and what I learned in the beginning when the grief would hit, it was like a tsunami.
• 18:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was like a tsunami.
• 18:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: I couldn't catch my breath.
• 18:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'd be so hysterical, you know?
• 18:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: People were telling me, oh, you're gonna, they're on the other side now and you're gonna form this new relationship with them where you can talk to them, you know?
• 19:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they're watching over you and they're with you.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I couldn't say my mom's name or even say, mom without, like, vomit crime, you know, I couldn't do it.
• 19:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: It really rocked my mental health in that, well, rocks everybody's mental health if you.
• 19:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, for those of you out there, you get it if you've lost a parent, especially a parent you're close to, a child, whatever, it may be, it's like this really sick club you have to be and to get, you know, and I feel like, nobody else understood what it felt like, except for those,
• 19:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: that came before me and I will say that that's another thing that I did to support my mental health.
• 19:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I strongly advise is if you are in a situation like I was and you unfortunately know that your loved one is going to die or even if they do pass away suddenly.
• 20:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: The people I gravitated to, the people that I chose to speak to were those who had walked before me and had lost someone just as important to them as my mother was to me and I would hang on their words and I would hang on everything they would write on social media and I would write to them and email them and call them and it was these women who just kept telling me it's going to be okay.
• 20:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: it will always be different, and it will always be different, but you will be okay.
• 20:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it is different, you know, I often say the Hannah Brett who walked into that situation is not the Hannah Brett who left, and I will never be the same.
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's still
• 21:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: If I can't stress enough, and why I want to do this episode really about mental health, I think you have to be your best advocate.
• 21:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to go after it.
• 21:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to want to be okay and be better.
• 21:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: You obviously need to give yourself time and grace and kindness to grieve.
• 21:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I will say the first two years of my grief, I was definitely somebody said it, and I loved it, like floating in soup.
• 21:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like I was present, but I wasn't present.
• 21:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I just wasn't home, you know, I was doing everything possible to be okay without completely losing my shirt, you know.
• 21:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: or wanting to die, because my mom was in here anymore, because I couldn't before she died imagine life without her in it.
• 21:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I couldn't imagine a day where I couldn't call her to tell her everything from the weather to I landed to, did you see what's going on with Meghan Markle?
• 22:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I couldn't imagine a day without her, you know?
• 22:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: We were very co-dependent and dimensioned each other's lives.
• 22:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm okay with that.
• 22:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: But that's our relationship where that was.
• 22:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so because of that, I knew when I was coming home, I had to really beef up my army.
• 22:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I was seeing my therapist more.
• 22:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was checking in on my meds.
• 22:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was talking to those women who were great support, networked for me, who also really stayed in the,
• 22:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: solution and also were so positive.
• 22:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I've talked to friends over the years who have lost loved ones and struggled with their mental health and a lot of times what wasn't, which didn't help me and probably definitely doesn't help them is it was this victim role of why me and this,
• 23:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: doing everything possible to process what's happening, but also taking care of oneself, and knowing, you know, today's the shit day, but tomorrow's gonna be a better day, you know?
• 23:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or I really need more support in this area, I'm not doing well, I'm gonna ask for help.
• 23:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I couldn't really hang out and talk to those people who were just like, oh, I'm so upset, I'm so depressed,
• 23:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why me?
• 23:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why me?
• 23:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why me?
• 23:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I guess it's just my life.
• 23:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, well, that I couldn't be around.
• 23:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: That wasn't going to help me.
• 23:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't help them or anybody else.
• 23:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: So again, I think why I'm doing this episode is you know, over the years, I have come across that.
• 24:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think it's important for people to hear out there, you know, whether it's your depression, your anxiety, your OCD, uh,
• 24:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to be an advocate for yourself to get the best help you can for yourself.
• 24:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: For instance, not immediately, but I knew a year after I lost my mom, I was really, really struggling with the grief in that.
• 24:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is also what I found is when the grief was really bad.
• 24:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: my depression was really bad.
• 24:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or when my depression was really bad, I missed my mom like I focused on not having her so much more, right?
• 24:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm going to therapy, doing everything right with my meds, getting the support from the people I needed to get support from, but I knew I needed a little bit more help.
• 24:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I made the decision to go to
• 25:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: On site, I went to on site for a three day, that was an intensive, a solo intensive by myself to work with the therapist and my grief.
• 25:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I remember thinking what will this woman show me in three days like how are we going to change my thinking and make me feel better and.
• 25:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was real, like when we talked about peanut butter on the pill, it was really peanut butter on the pill.
• 25:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I landed, I went to her ranch and we spent all day walking and talking, hanging out with animals and I can't put my finger on a lot of what we did, but the most important thing that she taught me was how to talk to my mother again.
• 25:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: and how to say her name or how to look at the sky and have a conversation with my mother and not lose my shit.
• 26:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that has been very important for me, you know, to be able to break that wall of instead of focusing that she's not here.
• 26:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's, I know you're here and know you can hear me and just talk to her, you know, because that was so important because it definitely helped my depression, you know, I, I often say if I, you know, if I see a lady bug, I know my mom's around or, you know, I get these weird signs, we all do and that also helps my mental health, but.
• 26:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, I can't stress enough, especially for those of you out there that are already struggling with your mental health and then you couple that with grief.
• 26:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: you're going to war, you really are, and you better suit up and show up and just know that you are going to fall, but you have to get back up, and you have to want to get better, and you have to want to process this grief and work through it to help your mental health.
• 27:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's not something where, you know,
• 27:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: What do the English say, you know, I'm being, you know, they're being silly because they bubble over, you know, they're ashamed to cry or whatever.
• 27:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And like, carry on, you know, and you just, this isn't something that you could just kind of push down and make it go away and make you feel better.
• 27:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And in a lot of ways, if you push it down, it's only gonna make your mental health worse.
• 27:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I still miss my mother.
• 27:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: every day.
• 27:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when I'm depressed, it's worse, but I have the tools in place.
• 27:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have the people in place.
• 27:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I really do have an army at this point.
• 27:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've got the therapist at the psychiatrist.
• 27:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have the coach.
• 27:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have a support network like a tribe of women like
• 28:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have this, the box of tools to use.
• 28:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I even did an adult DBT class, you know, so that's also, we're gonna talk about that.
• 28:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: How that's a real game changer.
• 28:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you can do dialectical behavioral therapy, it really changes that stink and thinking.
• 28:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I really go after it, you know, because I don't want to,
• 28:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to be miserable.
• 28:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I know my mother wouldn't have wanted me to be miserable.
• 28:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I have this one life to live, and I really want to live it.
• 28:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And yes, my depression is a doozy.
• 28:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't always understand when it's coming, when it's going, why it happens, why is it worse sometimes than others?
• 28:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I have so many things in place that hopefully when I fall, it's not as hard, you know?
• 28:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, and I'm just I guess I'm here to say that like, which is amazing to me, by the way, I survived and you can too, you know, I know I'm sure there's somebody out there who is in the process of watching their parent, losing their battle with cancer or I don't know and you think life will not be okay.
• 29:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there are a lot of days where it's not, but it will be, it's just really different, you know, it really is, it's very different.
• 29:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: But one of the things my mother wanted for me before she died was,
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let my creative freak flag fly in a way and that I promised her that in all the years of work that I would do, you know, in helping families and resources and connecting them and all that, that I really denied myself who I truly am and my authentic self is more of the theatrical side, or,
• 30:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: creative side.
• 30:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I told her about this idea of doing this podcast, you know, and she was alive.
• 30:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is what she would have wanted for me.
• 30:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, and I do this podcast.
• 30:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not all for her, but a lot for her.
• 30:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, and I will reference her a lot on these episodes.
• 30:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: She had a huge effect in my life.
• 30:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: She was very incredible.
• 30:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm able to talk about it or cry about it or deal with it and know that when
• 30:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hit stop and I'm done with this episode.
• 30:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I may have a good cry, but I'm just not going to take me out for the rest of the day.
• 30:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Does that make sense?
• 30:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: I actually find crying and that was another thing with grief.
• 30:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I found once I let myself grieve, it was very cathartic.
• 31:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was very horrible analogy, but it felt like, you know, when you're really, really nauseous and you have to puke and then once you puke, you're good, it felt like that.
• 31:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like once I had a good cry, I was like, whoa, okay, that's good.
• 31:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I process some of that, you know, and I dealt with some of it and I just felt all of it, you know, but the main thing I guess the takeaway is, is, please, whatever you do.
• 31:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: or even if your mental health just gets bad with grief, make sure you're doing your best to ask for help and get the resources you need.
• 31:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: It won't just go away.
• 31:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: This isn't a phase.
• 31:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, grief does get better with time, but if you are struggling with your mental health, and it's really bad with grief,
• 31:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: because it's a doozy with grief.
• 32:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just make sure you're taking care of yourself and that you have all things in place.
• 32:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And as miserable or as you feel like you can't move an inch, just make one call that day.
• 32:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you can do that, that's great, you know, for a therapist or a support group or something.
• 32:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you're not alone.
• 32:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank God for my army.
• 32:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: What, what?
• 32:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't be here without them.
• 32:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I am very fortunate in the work I do.
• 32:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I am able to connect with, like I said, some of the best providers in the country in the world in a lot of ways.
• 32:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And because of that, they're so amazing.
• 32:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can ask for my own help from them.
• 32:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they'll help me, you know?
• 32:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm very fortunate for that.
• 32:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Very, very lucky.
• 32:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So with that,
• 33:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if we got anywhere, or if I gave you some resources or information that's tangible that you can run with, but I don't know.
• 33:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just thought this was something important to share.
• 33:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I hope you all have a good day.
• 33:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's it for this episode of Connect Call.
• 33:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: See you next week.
• 33:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for tuning into this episode of Connect Call.
• 33:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: As we conclude, remember that insights shared are intended for informational and educational purposes only and should not substitute professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
• 33:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: We strongly recommend consulting a qualified medical health professional or health care provider for personalized advice tailored to your unique needs.
• 33:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your mental health journey is important and having the right support is essential.
• 33:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're experiencing a mental health crisis or require immediate assistance, please reach out to a mental health provider or emergency services in your area.
• 34:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're grateful to have you as part of our community and your well-being remains our priority.
• 34:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So follow us on social media to stay connected and be sure to catch one of our episodes on our YouTube channel.
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're here to support you every step of the way.